The Simpsons 7x23

1. D'

2. Run, Daddy, run!

3. Open the door, Maude!

4. I don't have time for the secret knock!

5. I'm panicking, Neddy.

6. I can't work the knob!

7. This is Kent Brockman

8. with a special report from the Channel 6 news copter.

9. A large bear-like animal, most likely a bear,

10. has wandered down from the hills in search of food

11. or perhaps employment.

12. Please, remain calm.

13. Stay in your homes.

14. Looks like bad news for the...

15. Impson family.

16. Let's all calm down.

17. Everyone's going to be just fine

18. as long as I've got enough beer.

19. All right, that does it.

20. If I'm going to be trapped inside the house

21. I got to go out and buy some beer.

22. Now to drop gracefully through the windshield.

23. I got you, Dad!

24. Sweet dreams, Smokey.

25. Animal tranquilizer!

26. Smooth.

27. Book 'em, Lou.

28. One count of being a bear.

29. And one count

30. of being an accessory to being a bear.

31. Marge, it was horrible.

32. We were trapped in the house all afternoon

33. and... well...

34. we had to drink toilet water.

35. Well, things were bad everywhere.

36. I'm sick of these constant bear attacks!

37. It's like a freakin' country bear jamboroo around here.

38. Well, now, realistically, Homer,

39. I've lived here some 30-odd years.

40. This is the first and only bear I've ever seen.

41. Hey,

42. if you want wild bears eating your children

43. and scaring away your salmon,

44. that's your business.

45. But I'm not gonna take it!

46. Who's with me?

47. I am!

48. We're here! We're queer!

49. We don't want any more bears!

50. We're here! We're queer!

51. We don't want any more bears!

52. Hey Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant.

53. Where'd you learn it?

54. I heard it

55. at the mustache parade they have every year.

56. We don't want any more bears!

57. Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you.

58. Does it have an appointment?

59. Yes it does.

60. I phoned ahead.

61. Mr. Mayor, I hate to break it to you

62. but your city is infested with bears.

63. And these ones are smarter than the average bear.

64. They swiped my pic-a-nic basket.

65. Think of the children.

66. Very well.

67. I promise swift and decisive action

68. against these hibernating hucksters.

69. Not a bear in sight.

70. The bear patrol must be working like a charm.

71. That's specious reasoning, Dad.

72. Thank you, honey.

73. By your logic, I could claim

74. that this rock keeps tigers away.

75. How does it work?

76. It doesn't work.

77. It's just a stupid rock.

78. But I don't see

79. any tigers around here. Do you?

80. Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

81. Woo-hoo!

82. A perfect day... Zero bears

83. and one big fat hairy paycheck!

84. Hey! How come my pay is so low?

85. "Bear Patrol Tax: $5..."

86. What? This is an outrage!

87. It's the biggest tax increase in history!

88. Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history.

89. Let the bears pay the Bear Tax!

90. I pay the Homer tax!

91. That's the Home-owner Tax.

92. Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.

93. Down with taxes!

94. Down with taxes! Down with taxes!

95. Won't you think of the children?

96. Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?

97. Dumber, sir.

98. They won't give up the bear patrol

99. but they won't pay taxes for it either.

100. Ducking this issue calls for real leadership.

101. People, your taxes are high because of illegal immigrants!

102. That's right... Illegal immigrants!

103. We need to get rid of them!

104. Immiggants! I knew it was them!

105. Even when it was the bears

106. I knew it was them!

107. Won't somebody please think of the children?

108. In one week, the town will vote on a special referendum...

109. Whether or not to deport

110. all illegal immigrants from Springfield.

111. It shall be known as Proposition 24.

112. Hey, German boy,

113. go back to Germania!

114. I do not deserve this.

115. I have come here legally as an exchange student.

116. Young man, the only thing we exchanged for you

117. was our national dignity.

118. You want to pick on immigrants?

119. - Then pick on Willie! - Willie, please.

120. The children want to pick on someone their own size.

121. Ach...

122. I don't see how you can support Proposition 24, Dad.

123. Open your eyes, Lisa.

124. Our schools are so jam-packed with immigrants,

125. kids like Bart have lost the will to learn.

126. There's no denying it, sis.

127. But immigration is what America is all about.

128. Even the Simpson family immigrated to America.

129. Right, Grampa?

130. Okay, you twisted my arm.

131. The Simpson story begins back in the old country.

132. I forget which one exactly.

133. My father would drone on and on about America.

134. He thought it was

135. the greatest thing since sliced bread...

136. Sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.

137. See this, son?

138. That's where we're going to live.

139. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...

140. but someday.

141. Later that day, we set sail for America.

142. There it is.

143. Our new home.

144. Whee! I love America!

145. Abe! Supper's on!

146. We had to move out once we'd filled the head with garbage.

147. The end.

148. Yeah, when those immigrants get deported

149. there'll be a lot more elbow room

150. for regular Joes like you and me, Apu.

151. Mr. Simpson,

152. it may astonish you to learn

153. that I am an immigrant.

154. You? Pfft.

155. I don't believe it.

156. No, in truth an illegal immigrant, sir.

157. If Proposition 24 passes,

158. I shall be forced to leave this country.

159. I wish...

160. I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two.

161. There was so much I wanted to see

162. and to do and to have done to me.

163. My God.

164. I got so swept up

165. in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24,

166. I never stopped to think

167. it might affect someone I cared about.

168. You know what, Apu...

169. I am really, really gonna miss you.

170. You know what really aggravazes me?

171. Is them immiggants...

172. They want all the benefits

173. of living in Springfield,

174. but they ain't even bothered

175. to learn themself the language.

176. Yeah. Those are exactly my sentimonies.

177. Yeah, you said it, Barn.

178. Make the protesters go away

179. and I'll give you the entire bottle.

180. Thank you goodness.

181. My first customers in a week.

182. It's hard to believe someone so close to our family

183. could be an illegal alien.

184. Alas, it is true.

185. I came here shortly after my graduation

186. from Cal Tech...

187. Calcutta Technical Institute.

188. As the top student

189. in my graduating class of seven million,

190. I was accepted for graduate study

191. in the United States.

192. Wherever you go and whatever you do,

193. we will always love you.

194. Make us proud, son.

195. Never forget who you are.

196. I won't, Mother,

197. and I won't forget you, Manjula.

198. I'm so sorry our arranged marriage

199. will not come to pass.

200. Farewell, my beloved.

201. I enrolled at Springfield Heights

202. Institute of Technology

203. under the tutelage of the brilliant

204. Professor John Frink.

205. Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive...

206. Don't touch it.

207. But I predict that within 100 years

208. computers will be twice as powerful

209. 10,000 times larger and so expensive

210. that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.

211. Could it be used for dating?

212. Well, theoretically, yes,

213. but the computer matches would be so perfect

214. as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest.

215. Nine glorious years later

216. I completed my Ph.D. thesis.

217. 200,000 precisely ordered punch cards

218. comprising the world's very first

219. tic-tac-toe program.

220. Only the top human players could beat it.

221. Hey, what's this one for?

222. So, Apu, why didn't you go back to India

223. when your Student Visa expired?

224. I did not feel right leaving

225. without paying off my student loans.

226. So I took a job at the Kwik-E-Mart.

227. When my debts were wiped clean, I was all set to go,

228. but by then, I had made so many friends here.

229. What you're saying is so understandable

230. and really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

231. You are one of the good ones.

232. You know what?

233. I'm going to vote "no" on 24.

234. Mom, you're the greatest.

235. Can I have this licorice?

236. Good evening, young man.

237. My name is Charles Norwood.

238. Furthermore, to this beer,

239. I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars.

240. Here's my I.D., which confirms my adultivity.

241. Hey, Kearney, this fake I.D., it is truly excellent.

242. Say, if you tell me where you obtained it,

243. I will overlook the ice cream sandwiches

244. concealed in your armpits?

245. Deal.

246. Okay, here are your fraudulent documents

247. Mr.

248. your U.S. Passport, Social Security card

249. birth certificate and your death certificate.

250. Just hold on to that one in your safe-deposit box.

251. Most humble and grateful thanks to you.

252. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

253. Can the courtesy.

254. You're an American now.

255. you were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin,

256. your parents were Herb and Judy Nahasapeemapetilan,

257. and if you do not wish to arouse suspicion,

258. I strongly urge you to act American.

259. Hey there, Homer.

260. How's it hanging?

261. Low and lazy.

262. So...

263. Hey, say something again.

264. You're just noticing

265. the way I'm talking to you now.

266. You see, it turns out

267. I am an American citizen after all.

268. Apparently, I just plumb forgot about it.

269. Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work

270. and watch the baseball match.

271. The NY Mets are my favorite squadron.

272. Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.

273. Yeah.

274. What was I thinking with that?

275. Who needs the infinite compassion of Ganesha

276. when I've got Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman

277. staring at me from Entertainment Weekly

278. with their dead eyes?

279. Look at me!

280. I've betrayed my Indian heritage, sir.

281. What would my parents think of me now?

282. Make us proud, son.

283. Never forget who you are.

284. Don't make the same mistake I did.

285. Forgive me, Mother, Father.

286. I failed you.

287. Who am I kidding?

288. I am no citizen.

289. Th-This passport is a cheap forgery.

290. A cheap $2,000 forgery.

291. I have brought shame to my parents,

292. to my homeland and to myself.

293. Don't forget Ganesha.

294. I cannot deny my roots

295. and I cannot keep up this charade.

296. I only did it because I love this land

297. where I have the freedom to say and to think

298. and to charge whatever I want.

299. I want to stay, but as the real me,

300. not as some yahoo from Green Bay.

301. Wow. You must love this country

302. more than I love a cold beer

303. on a hot Christmas morning.

304. Darn it, Apu.

305. I'm not gonna let them kick you out.

306. I never should have bought this button.

307. Can I have my three dollars back?

308. Store credit only.

309. Hey, Marge. Look who I brought home.

310. Homer. Are you rounding up immigrants?

311. No, Marge.

312. Apu convinced me that Proposition 24

313. is a big mistake.

314. All right!

315. Now you've got

316. all the Simpsons behind you, Apu.

317. That's nice... Although three of you

318. are below voting age.

319. And I'm not registered.

320. I do appreciate your concern, really,

321. but it is hopeless.

322. The latest poll shows

323. a whooping 85% support for Proposition 24.

324. Hey, Apu, why don't you just

325. marry some American broad

326. then dump her after you get your citizenship?

327. Hello, Selma?

328. Selma, my dear, how are you?

329. Listen, shut up for a second.

330. How would you like to marry Apu

331. so he doesn't get deported?

332. I'd rather eat poison.

333. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure.

334. God knows it's long enough with Nahasapeemapet-whatever.

335. From now on, I'm only marrying for love...

336. and possibly once more for money.

337. It's hopeless. Poor Apu.

338. Hey! The government don't control the sky.

339. What if you lived in a balloon?

340. - That's it! - Did you hear that, Mom?

341. She's as dumb as me.

342. No, not what he said, what he is!

343. Grandfather,

344. as in "grandfather clause."

345. Apu, how long ago did your Visa expire?

346. Seven years, but I don't...

347. There was an amnesty declared

348. for people who've been here as long as you.

349. That means you can take the citizenship test!

350. But Apu, the vote on Proposition 24

351. is on Tuesday.

352. You'll have to pass the test before then.

353. No! That is not nearly enough time

354. to learn over 200 years of American history.

355. It can't be that many!

356. Come on, Apu!

357. I'll be your tutor.

358. Please identify this object.

359. It appears to be the flag

360. which disappeared from the public library last year.

361. Correct.

362. Now, we all know the 13 stripes are for good luck,

363. but why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?

364. Because this particular flag is ridiculously out of date.

365. The library must have purchased it

366. during the brief period in 1912

367. after New Mexico became a state

368. but before Arizona did.

369. Partial credit.

370. Now, they may ask you to locate your town

371. on a map of the U.S., so let's do that.

372. Springfield, Springfield... um...

373. - right here. - Dad!

374. You're not pointing anywhere near Springfield.

375. It's over here, Apu.

376. Hey, whatcha doin'? Studying?

377. I'm so confused. I don't even know where

378. I'm getting kicked out of anymore.

379. Whoa!

380. Sign's floating away, Chief.

381. Executive, legislative, and, judicial.

382. No, no, and no.

383. Maybe we should start all over with the electrical college.

384. Please, Mr. Simpson, my brain needs sleep.

385. The test is in six hours

386. and many of these facts you speak of

387. are completely new to me.

388. Sleep is for the weak, Apu!

389. Now I'm gonna go to bed while you look over

390. my notes from ninth grade history.

391. Okay, Apu.

392. Stay awake and stay focused.

393. Cotton Mather...

394. No! I fell asleep!

395. I have forgotten everything that Mr. Homer taught me!

396. Perfect. Let's roll.

397. All right, men.

398. Here's the order of deportations.

399. First, you'll be rounding up your tired,

400. then your poor,

401. then your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

402. Breathers. Got it.

403. All right. Here's your last question.

404. What was the cause of the Civil War?

405. Actually, there were numerous causes.

406. Aside from the obvious schism

407. between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists,

408. economic factors, both domestic and international, played a significant...

409. - Hey, hey. - Yeah?

410. Just... Just say "slavery."

411. Slavery it is, sir.

412. Yes! I am a citizen!

413. Now which way to the Welfare office?

414. - What? - I'm kidding,

415. I'm kidding! I work, I work.

416. Thank you.

417. I want to say "thank you" to everyone.

418. From this day forth

419. I am no longer an Indian living in America.

420. I am an Indian-American.

421. Here, here, here.

422. You know, Apu, in a way,

423. all Americans are immigrants,

424. except Native Americans.

425. Yeah. Native Americans like us.

426. No, I mean American Indians.

427. - Like me. - No, I mean...

428. Hi, everyone!

429. If I could just say a few words...

430. I'd be a better public speaker.

431. Now that you're all relaxed...

432. Most of us here were born in America.

433. We take this country for granted;

434. but not immigrants like Apu.

435. While the rest of us are drinking ourselves stupid,

436. they're driving the cabs that get us home safely.

437. They're writing the operas that entertain us every day.

438. They're training our tigers and kicking our extra points.

439. These people are the glue

440. that holds together the gears of our society.

441. If we pass Proposition 24, we'll be losing

442. some of the truest Americans of all.

443. You said it, Homer!

444. When you go to the polls tomorrow,

445. please, vote no on Proposition 24.

446. No on 24.

447. No on 24.

448. No on 24.

449. No on 24.

450. No on 24.

451. No on 24.

452. No on 24.

453. It's a landslide! Yes on 24.

454. The Proposition passed with a record 95%...

455. When are people going to learn...

456. Democracy doesn't work.

457. Please don't knock the land that I love.

458. Jury duty!

459. Today I am truly an American citizen.

460. Just thank heaven everything worked out

461. for the people we care about.

462. Ach. Ingrates.

463. Shh.

464. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.