The Simpsons 7x18

Directed by Wes Archer

Alex Rocco as Roger Meyers, Jr. (voice) • Tress MacNeille as Angela Dare / Gwen the waitress / Homer's cousin's wife (voice) • Alex Rocco as Roger Meyers Jr. (voice) • Jack Sheldon as Amendment To Be (voice) • Suzanne Somers as Suzanne Somers (voice) • Kirk Douglas as Chester J. Lampwick (voice) • Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz (voice)

Bart meets the original animator who created Itchy, penniless some 70 years after the studio stole his idea. When Bart helps him sue for restitution, he unwittingly bankrupts Itchy & Scratchy.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'

2. Aah!

3. We now return to our

4. 48-hour Itchy & Scratchy Diamond Jubilee Marathon...

5. Celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality

6. and hilarious atrocities.

7. Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.

8. Will do.

9. Tonight, a stowaway bear

10. is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts.

11. But first, a sneak peek

12. at tomorrow's Itchy & Scratchy Parade.

13. Hello, everybody, I'm here live

14. on Main Street where dedicated fans

15. are already staking out the best seats for the big anniversary parade.

16. Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!

17. Bye, kids. On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.

18. Bart, Lisa, it's 11:00 at night.

19. Where do you think you are going?

20. - Downtown. - We got to get seats

21. for the Itchy & Scratchy Parade.

22. I won't have my children sitting alone

23. on a cold, dangerous street all night.

24. Homer, you go too.

25. Why can't they just take the gun?

26. Hey, the comic book store is still open.

27. Save our seats.

28. Will do.

29. Hello.

30. Hey, sister, just give me a chance to get next to you.

31. Hey, my threads, baby.

32. How come I've never seen that Itchy & Scratchy before?

33. Because you are a prepubescent ignoramus.

34. This is a bootleg copy

35. of Itchy & Scratchy Meets Fritz the Cat.

36. Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption,

37. it is not for infantile intellect such as yours.

38. Now toodle-oo.

39. Cool. I'll give you ten bucks for that.

40. Are you the creator of Hi and Lois?

41. Because you are making me laugh.

42. That drawing is worth exactly $750 American.

43. It's valuable?

44. Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional.

45. I simply can't allow you to waste them here,

46. when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment.

47. - Go! Go! For the good of the city. - Loser.

48. Nertz.

49. - Which one's Itchy? The car? - The mouse.

50. I guess that's not him then.

51. Represented on this next float

52. is Roger Myers, Sr.

53. Who founded his company in 1921

54. and struck it big

55. when he teamed up a mouse named Itchy

56. with a cat named Scratchy.

57. Here we see him creating the two comical characters

58. out of thoughts he plucks from his head.

59. And that man waving from the front of the float

60. is his son Roger Myers, Jr.

61. Isn't this just the most fun

62. you've ever had in your life, Dave?

63. Yes, Suzanne. It is.

64. Forget this. I'm out of here.

65. Bart!

66. And now the parade has entered Bumtown.

67. It's all just so exciting, Dave.

68. This certainly seems to be

69. a poorly planned parade route.

70. Hey, wait up!

71. Pfft! Get out of Bumtown, you no-talent bum.

72. Show some respect, man. That no-talent created Itchy & Scratchy.

73. He didn't create Itchy, I did.

74. He stole the character from me in 1928.

75. When I complained, his thugs kicked me

76. out of his office and dropped an anvil on me.

77. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

78. You invented Itchy?

79. The Itchy & Scratchy Itchy?

80. Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept

81. of cartoon violence.

82. Before I came along,

83. all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele.

84. I changed all that.

85. Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but...

86. but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.

87. So I'm a liar, am I?

88. "Itchy the Lucky Mouse in Manhattan Madness."

89. That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made

90. and it was made by me, Chester J. Lampwick.

91. Find me a 90-year-old projector, and I'll prove it to you.

92. Look out Itchy, he's Irish!

93. Come on Itchy, kill him! Kill that guy!

94. Look at that fat oaf.

95. Shh! That's Teddy Roosevelt.

96. - All right Chester! - Way to go!

97. I can't believe it.

98. That was Itchy, alright.

99. You did invent him.

100. When people see this, you'll be rich and famous.

101. D'

102. That was a nice film I had once.

103. Last time I try to impress a four-year-old.

104. Well, see you, kid.

105. You can't just go back to the gutter.

106. You created Itchy.

107. You should be a millionaire.

108. Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s.

109. Why would he give me anything now?

110. You asked Roger Myers Senior for money.

111. Roger Myers, Jr., is in charge of the studio, now.

112. He's a good man.

113. Every Christmas, he goes down to the pound

114. and rescues one cat and one mouse

115. and gives them to a hungry family.

116. The studio's closed until Tuesday.

117. Animators have A.A. on Monday.

118. Well, you can stay at my house until then.

119. My parents won't mind because they won't even know about it.

120. All right, the coast is clear.

121. There's a box you can sleep in.

122. - Thanks. - Just move that cot out of the way.

123. Okay.

124. - Do you know what radon is? - No.

125. Good night.

126. Spare change?

127. Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing

128. coming from the basement, and Dad's upstairs.

129. It's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.

130. He's not a regular bum, Mom.

131. He's a genius bum.

132. He created Itchy,

133. and he's the father of cartoon violence.

134. He just needs to stay here till tomorrow.

135. We're going down to Itchy & Scratchy Studios

136. to pick up his check.

137. Well, if it's just for one more night.

138. So let's review.

139. You two screwballs have just strolled in here

140. fresh from the sewer and given me a bunch of bulldink

141. about creating Itchy with no proof at all,

142. and you expect me to give you...

143. how much?

144. $800 billion.

145. Well... that brought back a lot of memories.

146. Alright gentlemen, I'll take your case,

147. but I'm going to have to ask

148. for a thousand-dollar retainer.

149. A thousand dollars?

150. But your ad says "no money down."

151. They got this all screwed up.

152. - So you don't work on a contingency basis? - No. Money down.

153. Oops. I shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

154. Hey, Dad? Can I have a thousand dollars?

155. All right. Wait a minute! For what?

156. - To pay for a lawyer for my bum. - Forget it.

157. I thought I recognized you.

158. I gave you a plate of corn muffins

159. back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop,

160. and you never did it.

161. Those corn muffins were lousy.

162. - Paint my chicken coop! - Make me.

163. That does it. One of them has to go.

164. - Okay. Grampa. - No. The B-U-M.

165. Wait, wait, wait.

166. There's an easy way to get rid of Chester

167. without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter...

168. And all it will cost you is a thousand dollars.

169. Exhibit "A":

170. Steamboat Itchy, dated 1928...

171. The very first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon,

172. and the credits clearly state

173. "Written, directed and created

174. "by Roger Myers.

175. "Music by Roger Myers and George Gershwin.

176. "Produced by Roger Myers and Joseph P. Kennedy.

178. You will also notice Mr. Myers' name and copyright notice

179. on the original drawings of the other members

180. of the Itchy & Scratchy family:

181. "Brown-nose Bear, Disgruntled Goat

182. "Flatulent Fox, Rich Uncle Skeleton,

183. and Dinner Dog."

184. My client's film predates all of those things, Your Honor.

185. Yes! I've forgotten!

186. Your famous film!

187. The one you destroyed before the trial

188. and haven't been able to find another copy of.

189. Yes, that film.

190. Yes.

191. You don't have a copy, do you?

192. Krusty, have you ever seen

193. this so-called animation genius before?

194. - Yes, I have! - You have?

195. I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence,

196. but he never did it.

197. Those blintzes were terrible.

198. - Paint my fence! - Make me.

199. You give me back those blintzes!

200. Order, order. We don't care about your blintzes.

201. Now, Mr. Lampwick,

202. when Roger Myers stole your character...

203. - Objection. - Sustained.

204. If I hear "objection" and "sustained"

205. one more time today, I think I'm going to scream.

206. - Objection. - Sustained.

207. Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters.

208. He stole them all.

209. He stole them all?

210. The only characters Myers could ever come up with

211. were pathetic stick figures with the words "sarcastic horse"

212. and "manic mailman" printed on them, and they stank.

213. So he started stealing other people's characters.

214. - That's a lie! - Are you saying under oath, Mr. Myers,

215. that your father didn't steal any of the characters

216. associated with your studio?

217. Well, I don't think I am under oath,

218. but, yes, my father created them all

219. except for Flatulent Fox... That was based on a true story...

220. But he did create Itchy.

221. That's one thing I am sure of.

222. Mr. Hutz, we've been in here for four hours.

223. Do you have any evidence at all?

224. Well, Your Honor,

225. we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture.

226. Those are kinds of evidence.

227. Your Honor, I move for dismissal.

228. I've got it! Dad, give me $750.

229. Okay.

230. Keep the trial going.

231. I'll be right back.

232. Your Honor, I'd like to call

233. all of my surprise witnesses again.

234. Thank you.

235. I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else.

236. It was in the movie Mr. Lampwick showed me.

237. Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919,

238. nine years before Roger Myers

239. made his first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon.

240. That could have been drawn by anyone at any time, Your Honor.

241. There's no signature or date.

242. Look under the frame, Brad.

243. Careful...

244. careful... whoops.

245. It's there!

246. "To Roger Myers, keep drawing.

247. "Your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent.

248. "Your pal, Chester J. Lampwick.

249. September 3, 1919."

250. Okay, maybe my Dad did steal Itchy,

251. but so what?

252. Animation is built on plagiarism.

253. If it weren't for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners,

254. we wouldn't have The Flintstones.

255. If someone hadn't ripped off Sgt. Bilko,

256. there'd be no Top Cat.

257. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear. Hah!

258. Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney.

259. Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas,

260. where are they going to come from?

261. Her?

262. How about...

263. Ghost Mutt?

264. The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick.

265. Itchy & Scratchy Studios

266. will pay a restitution of $800 billion...

267. though that amount will probably come down a bit on appeal.

268. I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt.

269. You just killed Itchy & Scratchy.

270. - We killed Itchy & Scratchy? - Good riddance.

271. Want to go celebrate?

272. I feel like liver and onions.

273. What are you going to do with all your money, Mr. Lampwick?

274. Well, first off, here's your $1,000 back

275. for hiring that lawyer, and $750 for the drawing.

276. And here's a couple of bucks for your trouble.

277. Whoo-hoo! Look, Marge, a couple of bucks.

278. As for the rest of it, I'm going to buy the one thing

279. I've been dreaming of all the years I spent in the gutter...

280. A solid-gold house.

281. Well, Itchy & Scratchy are gone,

282. but here's a cartoon that tries to make learning fun.

283. Sorry about this, kids, but stay tuned.

284. We got some real good toy commercials

285. coming right up, I swear.

286. Hey! Who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?

287. I'm not garbage.

288. But why can't we just make a law against flag burning?

289. Because that law would be unconstitutional.

290. But if we change the constitution...

291. Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws!

292. Now you're catching on.

293. What the hell is this?

294. It's one those campy '70s throwbacks

295. that appeals to Generation Xers.

296. We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.

297. What if people say you're not good enough

298. to be in The Constitution?

299. Good news, amendment. They ratified you.

300. You're in the U.S. Constitution.

301. Yeah! Door's open, boys.

302. Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

303. So it's true.

304. Some cartoons do encourage violence.

305. We got to get Itchy & Scratchy back.

306. And soon!

307. Heh-heh.

308. You've got to make more Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.

309. The judge says it's okay as long as you pay Mr. Lampwick royalties.

310. Royalties? Ha!

311. I don't have the money to produce the cartoons.

312. I lost everything. I can't even keep

313. my Dad's head in the freaking cryogenic center anymore.

314. You comfortable in there, Daddy?

315. Look, if money's the only problem,

316. I know a guy who has lots of it.

317. Shoe shine, sir?

318. Comb your hair for you?

319. Sir?

320. Sir. Sir? Sir?

321. Okay, catch you on the way back.

322. - Hi, kids. - Hi, Chester.

323. Listen. Would you pay

324. to make more Itchy & Scratchy cartoons?

325. - You'll get more royalties. - I don't need any more money.

326. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health, and my millions of dollars,

327. and my gold house, and my rocket car,

328. I don't need anything else.

329. - Yes, but... - Not interested.

330. - Dad, can we have $183,000? - What for?

331. Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons.

332. Forget it.

333. I give up.

334. - There's nothing we can do. - Yeah, I agree.

335. You want to start on trying to get Apu out of jail?

336. Okay.

337. Wait, kids! You can't give up on Itchy & Scratchy.

338. You're always so good at these things.

339. Why, together, you've reunited Krusty with his father,

340. gotten Principal Skinner's job back,

341. and helped Dr. Riviera

342. perform open-heart surgery on your father.

343. You've even foiled Sideshow Bob

344. on five separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.

345. You're right, Mom. I'm sure if we put our minds to it

346. we can solve this one too.

347. Bart, look at this.

348. What a perfect plan.

349. Now, Roger Myers' hotel is just...

350. And so, when no one could think

351. of a plan to resurrect Itchy & Scratchy,

352. a young boy...

353. A wonderful, irrepressible young boy...

354. Took it on his own to solve the problem.

355. He discovered that the postal service's "Mr. Zip" was just a rip-off

356. of my father's stick figure character "Manic Mailman."

357. So the government gave me a huge cash settlement

358. and Itchy & Scratchy Studios is back in business.

359. Thanks to you, Lester.

360. What the hell is going on?

361. I don't know, but it looks like

362. you might have a little competition all of a sudden.

363. Thanks, everybody, but I couldn't have done all this

364. without the help of my brainy sister Eliza.

365. I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza.

366. This is a great vindication for anybody

367. who was ever taking a bath, went to get the paper,

368. fell down, and had the door slam behind them

369. and the doorknob break off.

370. And I'd like to thank Lester

371. for reuniting me with my estranged wife.

372. - I never even heard about that. - I don't understand it.

373. We're always the ones who solve these problems.

374. I guess you don't need it now,

375. but we had a plan too.

376. Hey, great. Listen, write it down

377. and mail it to last week when I might have cared.

378. I've got cartoons to make, kids.

379. You kids must be so happy.

380. Your cute little cartoon friends are back on the air.

381. Yes, well, technically,

382. everything worked out all right, but...

383. - But? - Well...

384. I wasn't the one who solved the problem,

385. and neither was Lisa.

386. There's something unsettling about that.

387. Shh!

388. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.