1. D'Copy !req
2. Testing.
Testing for Mr. Burns.Copy !req
3. Here you go, Sir.
I've warmed up the crowd for you.Copy !req
4. Welcome, employees!Copy !req
5. Come in.Copy !req
6. The whole night's
entertainment is on me.Copy !req
7. Monty Burns!Copy !req
8. Welcome, welcome, welcomeCopy !req
9. to an evening of
exciting quarter-mileCopy !req
10. action, action, action.Copy !req
11. Our first race is a benefit
for daredevil Lance MurdockCopy !req
12. Murdock, Murdock,
who's hospitalizedCopy !req
13. with cirrhosis
of the liver, liver, liver.Copy !req
14. Yay!Copy !req
15. All right, liver!Copy !req
16. Boy, it sure would be funCopy !req
17. to car-pool in one
of those, kids?Copy !req
18. I'd be a real
hot-rod mama, wouldn't I?Copy !req
19. You missed the race, Mama.Copy !req
20. I wish I'd pay more attention.Copy !req
21. Smithers, this beer
isn't working.Copy !req
22. I don't feel
any younger or funkier.Copy !req
23. I'll switch
to the tablespoon, Sir.Copy !req
24. Coming up nextCopy !req
25. our feature race:Copy !req
26. The Nuclear Power Plant
Championship!Copy !req
27. Plant, plant.Copy !req
28. At last!Copy !req
29. Smithers, fetch the bi-oculars.Copy !req
30. Ooh, damnation!Copy !req
31. Tell them to go slower.Copy !req
32. Yes, Sir.Copy !req
33. Hi, guys, can we keep
it in first gearCopy !req
34. for a couple laps?Copy !req
35. Go! Go!Copy !req
36. Slow down.Copy !req
37. Excellent.Copy !req
38. This novelty foam hand
is ludicrously oversized.Copy !req
39. Go swap it for a smaller one.Copy !req
40. It is a bit ostentatious, Sir.Copy !req
41. I'll be right back.Copy !req
42. Hey, Burnsie!Copy !req
43. Ha! This was some
swell shindig.Copy !req
44. Thank you very much.Copy !req
45. Smithers, what's happening?Copy !req
46. I had a great time.Copy !req
47. I just want to shake your hand.Copy !req
48. You're the greatest.Copy !req
49. Smithers, help!Copy !req
50. Doesn't seem as funny to me,
but what do I know?Copy !req
51. Smithers!Copy !req
52. My God!Copy !req
53. Yah.Copy !req
54. You should have seenCopy !req
55. the murderous glint
in his eye, Smithers,Copy !req
56. and his breath reeked
of beer and pretzeled bread.Copy !req
57. I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns.
This was all my fault.Copy !req
58. Don't concern yourself.Copy !req
59. If things had turned ugly,
I always had my mace.Copy !req
60. Don't let me off the hook
that easily, Sir.Copy !req
61. I failed you and I'll
never forgive myself.Copy !req
62. Never! Never! Never!
Never! Never!Copy !req
63. Never! Never! Never!Copy !req
64. Good morning, Sir.Copy !req
65. To make up for my
failure last nightCopy !req
66. I've alphabetized
your breakfast.Copy !req
67. You can start with the wafflesCopy !req
68. and work your way
up to the Zwieback,Copy !req
69. and to prevent newsprintCopy !req
70. from rubbing off on your handsCopy !req
71. I've laminated
today's newspaper.Copy !req
72. I appreciate the thoughtCopy !req
73. but my pen won't write on this.Copy !req
74. How am I supposed to do
the Junior Jumble?Copy !req
75. I can't even grovel properly.Copy !req
76. I'm a buffoon!Copy !req
77. I don't deserve to live
on your planet anymore!Copy !req
78. Pull yourself together, man.Copy !req
79. I daresay you're in need
of a long vacation.Copy !req
80. No! Don't make me
take a vacation!Copy !req
81. Without you,
I'll wither and die!Copy !req
82. That's a risk
I'm willing to take.Copy !req
83. But what would you
do without me, Sir?Copy !req
84. I'm not a babyCopy !req
85. who needs a nursemaid
to burp me.Copy !req
86. You see?Copy !req
87. Now, I insist
you take a vacationCopy !req
88. just as soon asCopy !req
89. a temporary substitute
can be found.Copy !req
90. Yeesh!Copy !req
91. I've got to find a replacement
who won't outshine me.Copy !req
92. Perhaps if I search
the employee evaluationsCopy !req
93. for the word "incompetent."Copy !req
94. 714 names?Copy !req
95. Better be more specific.Copy !req
96. "Lazy,"clumsy,"Copy !req
97. "dim-witted,"Copy !req
98. "monstrously ugly."Copy !req
99. Aw, nuts to this.Copy !req
100. I'll just go get Homer Simpson.Copy !req
101. I think Smithers picked meCopy !req
102. because of
my motivational skills.Copy !req
103. Everyone always saysCopy !req
104. they have to work a lot
harder when I'm around.Copy !req
105. You know, Dad,
assisting Mr. BurnsCopy !req
106. could give your career
a real shot in the arm.Copy !req
107. You know, Homer,
assisting Mr. BurnsCopy !req
108. could give your career
a real shot in the arm.Copy !req
109. Mom, I just said that.Copy !req
110. Sor-ry!Copy !req
111. Next time, get
your own darned corn.Copy !req
112. Um, is this the chair
I'll be sitting on?Copy !req
113. Yeah.Copy !req
114. Now, I realize
caring for Mr. BurnsCopy !req
115. seems like a big jobCopy !req
116. but actually,
it's 2,800 small jobs.Copy !req
117. But this is the chair, right?Copy !req
118. Your new duties will include
answering Mr. Burns' phoneCopy !req
119. preparing his tax return,
moistening his eyeballs,Copy !req
120. assisting with his chewing
and swallowing,Copy !req
121. lying to congress
and some light typing.Copy !req
122. Montgomery Burns' office.Copy !req
123. Hello, Mrs. Burns.Copy !req
124. I'll see if your son
is available.Copy !req
125. Mr. Burns
has a mother?Copy !req
126. She must be a hundred
million years old!Copy !req
127. She has limited capacities.Copy !req
128. All she can do is dial and yell.Copy !req
129. I'm sorry.Copy !req
130. Monty can't come
to the phone right now.Copy !req
131. He's in a very important meetingCopy !req
132. and can't be disturbed.Copy !req
133. Okay, I'll give him the message.Copy !req
134. Mr. Burns can't stand
talking to his mother.Copy !req
135. He never forgave herCopy !req
136. for having that affair
with President Taft.Copy !req
137. Taft, you old dog.Copy !req
138. Really, Smithers.Copy !req
139. I'll be fine.Copy !req
140. I'm sure your replacementCopy !req
141. will be able
to handle everything.Copy !req
142. Who is he anyway?Copy !req
143. Homer Simpson, Sir.Copy !req
144. One of your organ banks
from sector 7G.Copy !req
145. All the recent events
of your lifeCopy !req
146. have revolved
around him in some way.Copy !req
147. Simpson?Copy !req
148. Mr. Smithers?Copy !req
149. I don't understand
2,700 of my new duties.Copy !req
150. Well, the van's leaving.Copy !req
151. Which one duty is giving you
the most trouble?Copy !req
152. Um...Copy !req
153. What do I do in case of fire?Copy !req
154. Sorry. Can't hear you. Bye!Copy !req
155. Aw. Just my luck.Copy !req
156. Good Lord, Smithers,Copy !req
157. you look atrocious!Copy !req
158. I thought I told you
to take a vacation.Copy !req
159. Smithers already left, Sir.Copy !req
160. I'm his replacement,
Homer Simpson.Copy !req
161. Yes, Simpson.Copy !req
162. I'll have my lunch now.Copy !req
163. A single pillow
of shredded wheatCopy !req
164. some steamed toast,
and a dodo egg.Copy !req
165. But I think
the dodo went extinct.Copy !req
166. Get going!
And answer those phones,Copy !req
167. install the computer system,
and rotate my officeCopy !req
168. so the window faces the hills.Copy !req
169. Okay.Copy !req
170. Um, can you repeat
the part of the stuffCopy !req
171. where you said
all about the things?Copy !req
172. The things?Copy !req
173. Lousy two-legged pants.Copy !req
174. Homie, it's 4:30
in the morning.Copy !req
175. Little Rascals
isn't on till 6:00.Copy !req
176. I know.
I'm taping it.Copy !req
177. I want to get to
Mr. Burns' houseCopy !req
178. bright and early
to make his breakfast.Copy !req
179. Poor Homie.Copy !req
180. Poor, poor...Copy !req
181. One of these must be
a breakfast-maker.Copy !req
182. Well, it's my job
to cook him breakfastCopy !req
183. and I'm gonna cook
the best damn breakfastCopy !req
184. he ever ate.Copy !req
185. Doughnuts?Copy !req
186. I told you
I don't like ethnic food!Copy !req
187. Here. Tell me
how my stocks did yesterday.Copy !req
188. They all won.Copy !req
189. What about my options?Copy !req
190. Well, you can either get up
or go back to sleep.Copy !req
191. I believe I'll get up.Copy !req
192. Scrub harder.Copy !req
193. Got to get that layer
of dead skin off.Copy !req
194. I think...
the fangs today.Copy !req
195. Simpson?Copy !req
196. Simpson?Copy !req
197. Did you get that reportCopy !req
198. on the accounting department?Copy !req
199. Yes Sir, I did.Copy !req
200. "The accounting department
is located on the third floor.Copy !req
201. "Its hours are 9:00 a.m.
to 5:00 p.m.Copy !req
202. The head of this department
is a Mr. Johnson or Johnstone."Copy !req
203. Here are your messages.Copy !req
204. "You have 30 minutes
to move your car."Copy !req
205. "You have ten minutes."Copy !req
206. "Your car
has been impounded."Copy !req
207. "Your car has been
crushed into a cube."Copy !req
208. "You have 30 minutes
to move your cube."Copy !req
209. Yeah-lo,
Mr. Burns' office.Copy !req
210. Is it about my cube?Copy !req
211. It's Mr. Smithers.
He's calling for you.Copy !req
212. How's everything going there,
Sir?Copy !req
213. I have a lot of free time
on my hands.Copy !req
214. If you Fed-Ex me your mail,Copy !req
215. I'd be happy to open it
and return it to you.Copy !req
216. Everything's fine, Smithers.Copy !req
217. This Simpson fellow seems to be
getting dumber by the minute.Copy !req
218. I've never seen anything
quite like it.Copy !req
219. Anyhoo, you just
enjoy your vacation.Copy !req
220. Look alive, Simpson!Copy !req
221. I'm not paying you to goldbrick!Copy !req
222. Yes! Yes, Sir...Copy !req
223. Now get cracking
on my long divisionCopy !req
224. and don't forget to
show your work, Simpson.Copy !req
225. I'll have it on your desk
in the morning, Sir.Copy !req
226. Bart, leave Simpson alone.Copy !req
227. Simpson, I need a ride to the library.Copy !req
228. Kids, stop exploiting
your father.Copy !req
229. Homie, why don't you
lie down and relax?Copy !req
230. No time, Marge.Copy !req
231. I think Mr. Burns wants me
to do some long division.Copy !req
232. Simpson! Lie down!Copy !req
233. Sorry, but you need
a good night's rest.Copy !req
234. Simpson!Copy !req
235. The telephone's been ringing
for some time.Copy !req
236. Answer it.Copy !req
237. Yello?Copy !req
238. It's for you.Copy !req
239. Mr. Burns... 48 rings.Copy !req
240. Are you all right?Copy !req
241. What did Simpson do to you?Copy !req
242. Nothing other than drive me
to distractionCopy !req
243. with his incompetent boobery.Copy !req
244. Terrible at everything.
A complete moron!Copy !req
245. But I'm not really freeCopy !req
246. to talk right now.Copy !req
247. Now look, stop calling me and
start enjoying your vacation.Copy !req
248. Remember, I want to see
lots of picturesCopy !req
249. when you get back.Copy !req
250. Actually, sir, picture-takingCopy !req
251. is not allowed
at this particular resort.Copy !req
252. Oop. I got to go now.Copy !req
253. There's a line
forming behind me.Copy !req
254. 60 watts!Copy !req
255. What do you think this is?
A tanning salon?Copy !req
256. I asked for light starch
on my night cap.Copy !req
257. You call this Postum?Copy !req
258. You call this a tax return?Copy !req
259. You call this a super computer?Copy !req
260. D'Copy !req
261. You're a travesty
of a joke of an assistant!Copy !req
262. Is there something wrong, Homie?Copy !req
263. No.Copy !req
264. Except?Copy !req
265. Except...Copy !req
266. I killed Mr. Burns!Copy !req
267. What happened, Dad?Copy !req
268. I punched Burns right in his
104-year-old face.Copy !req
269. Are you sure he's dead?Copy !req
270. Maybe you just really,
really hurt him.Copy !req
271. Okay. Maybe
everything's all right.Copy !req
272. Maybe if you go apologize,
he won't even fire you.Copy !req
273. If he's alive.Copy !req
274. Mr. Burns?Copy !req
275. I'm really sorry I hit you,
Mr. Burns.Copy !req
276. Here... let me put some salt
on that eye.Copy !req
277. No, please!
I can't bear another thrashing.Copy !req
278. Just leave me be.Copy !req
279. Y-Yes, Sir.Copy !req
280. Must call Smithers.Copy !req
281. He'll protect me
from this beast.Copy !req
282. I've seen people activate
this machine a thousand times.Copy !req
283. Doesn't seem to be
any trick to it.Copy !req
284. Let's see... Smithers.Copy !req
285. S-m-i-t-h-e-r-s.Copy !req
286. Success! It's ringing!Copy !req
287. Moe's Tavern.Copy !req
288. I'm looking for
a Mr. Smithers.Copy !req
289. First name, Waylon.Copy !req
290. So you're looking
for a Mr. Smithers?Copy !req
291. First name, Waylon, is it?Copy !req
292. Listen to me, you!
When I catch youCopy !req
293. I'm gonna pull out your eyes
and shove them down your pantsCopy !req
294. so you can watch me kick
the crap out of you. Okay?Copy !req
295. Then I'm going to use
your tongue to paint my boat.Copy !req
296. Smithers if only
you could hear me.Copy !req
297. Something tells me
Mr. Burns needs me.Copy !req
298. Praise God.
I think the thugCopy !req
299. has finally gone home
for the day.Copy !req
300. Now I can make my escape.Copy !req
301. Hi, Mr. Burns.
You want your coffee now?Copy !req
302. No, I'm...
making it myself.Copy !req
303. Hear that?Copy !req
304. The percolations are imminent.Copy !req
305. No need to come in.Copy !req
306. Cease your ingress.Copy !req
307. Stay back, Homer.Copy !req
308. Approach no further.
Coffee's already made.Copy !req
309. I stomped the beans myself.Copy !req
310. Well, can I at least
drive you home, Mr. Burns?Copy !req
311. - It's 5:00.
- No! I thought...Copy !req
312. I thought I'd chauffeur
myself this evening.Copy !req
313. Yes, that's what I thought.Copy !req
314. How difficult could it be?Copy !req
315. I'm sure the manual
will indicateCopy !req
316. which lever is the velocitator
and which the deceleratrix?Copy !req
317. I can't believe it.Copy !req
318. All my life I've avoided
doing things for myself...Copy !req
319. but I'm actually enjoying this.Copy !req
320. Plus, I'm making
incredible time.Copy !req
321. Beep beep!
Out of my way!Copy !req
322. I'm a motorist.Copy !req
323. That's some nice
reckless driving, Mr. B.Copy !req
324. Would you like me to shredCopy !req
325. those environmental reports
for you, Sir?Copy !req
326. Already taken care of.Copy !req
327. Cappuccino, Simpson?Copy !req
328. Ahoy-hoy?Copy !req
329. No. You have the wrong number.Copy !req
330. This is 5-2-4-6.Copy !req
331. I suspect you need more practice
working your telephone machine.Copy !req
332. Not at all. Ahoy.Copy !req
333. Mr. Burns, is there anything
at all I can do for you?Copy !req
334. No, Homer.Copy !req
335. You've already done
more for me than any man.Copy !req
336. Your brutal attack forced me
to fend for myself.Copy !req
337. I realize now that being
waited on hand and footCopy !req
338. is okay for your average Joe,Copy !req
339. but it's not for me.Copy !req
340. I want to thank you.Copy !req
341. Thank you.Copy !req
342. Thank you.
Thank you.Copy !req
343. My God.Copy !req
344. I knew I shouldn't have left.Copy !req
345. Welcome back, Smithers.Copy !req
346. Say, do you know Homer Simpson?Copy !req
347. He pitched in around the officeCopy !req
348. while you were away.Copy !req
349. Bang-up job, Simpson,
but I guess it's backCopy !req
350. to your trusty post
in sector 7G.Copy !req
351. You heard the man, Simpson.Copy !req
352. And my dear, dear SmithersCopy !req
353. You're no longer needed at all.Copy !req
354. You're fired. Ta!Copy !req
355. You shouldn't have
gone away on vacation.Copy !req
356. Cheer up, Homie.Copy !req
357. I just feel terrible about
getting Mr. Smithers fired.Copy !req
358. That job was all he had.Copy !req
359. Imagine how you'd feel, MargeCopy !req
360. if you got fired from the...Copy !req
361. those things
that... you do.Copy !req
362. Quick, Mom, whip up a cake
before Dad fires you.Copy !req
363. Don't worry, Dad.Copy !req
364. Mr. Smithers
is a resilient man.Copy !req
365. I'm sure he can get a great job
at any corporation he wants.Copy !req
366. Meet your new piano mover.Copy !req
367. Now, we're gonna have to putCopy !req
368. a steel rod
where your spine was.Copy !req
369. Will I ever move a piano again?Copy !req
370. My goodness gracious, no.Copy !req
371. Get ready for exciting quarter-mile actionCopy !req
372. at the Springfield Dragstrip.Copy !req
373. It'll be motorized mayhem,
mayhem, mayhem...Copy !req
374. Do we need all those "mayhems"?Copy !req
375. We do?
All right, fair enough.Copy !req
376. I suppose
you know your business.Copy !req
377. Get ready for fun, fun, fun!Copy !req
378. The people are already here.Copy !req
379. We don't need to keep
hustling them like this, do we?Copy !req
380. Let go of me!Copy !req
381. Where are you throwing me?Copy !req
382. Hello,Copy !req
383. is that a "help wanted" sign
in the window?Copy !req
384. Yeah. I need someone
to help meCopy !req
385. with the midnight beer delivery.Copy !req
386. Your job is to distract BarneyCopy !req
387. until it's safely off the truck.Copy !req
388. I'll just wait out back
until then.Copy !req
389. I look forward
to working with you.Copy !req
390. Mr. Smithers, wait.Copy !req
391. You can't let yourself end up
in a place like this.Copy !req
392. You've got two choices.Copy !req
393. You can give up on yourself
and take the Barney-guarding jobCopy !req
394. like so many of us
have contemplatedCopy !req
395. in our darkest moments,Copy !req
396. or you can admit to yourselfCopy !req
397. there's only one person
that can make you happyCopy !req
398. and do whatever it takes
to get them back!Copy !req
399. You're right.Copy !req
400. But I'm gonna need your help.Copy !req
401. My God!Copy !req
402. Beer delivery. Just sign here.Copy !req
403. No! It's you!Copy !req
404. - Hey!
- Boy!Copy !req
405. Give me that!Copy !req
406. Okay, I got you covered.Copy !req
407. Mr. Burns may have mastered
2,799 of my 2,800 duties,Copy !req
408. but I'll wager dollars
to doughnutsCopy !req
409. he still can't handle
a call from his mother.Copy !req
410. You're on.Copy !req
411. What?Copy !req
412. Hello, Mrs. Burns?Copy !req
413. This is Waylon Smithers.Copy !req
414. I have your son
Montgomery on the line.Copy !req
415. That improvident lackwit.Copy !req
416. Always too busy striding
about his atom millCopy !req
417. to call his own mother.Copy !req
418. I'll give him what-fors
till he cries brassafrax!Copy !req
419. Perfect.
When I give the signalCopy !req
420. you transfer the call
to Mr. Burns.Copy !req
421. After she tears into him,
I'll rush in and save the day.Copy !req
422. Got it.Copy !req
423. I'm transferring a call
in to you, Mr. Burns.Copy !req
424. No problemo.Copy !req
425. Ooh.Copy !req
426. Um...Copy !req
427. Ahoy-hoy?Copy !req
428. Hoy?Copy !req
429. Hello, Mr. Burns.Copy !req
430. This is your mother.Copy !req
431. No!Copy !req
432. Hello, mater.Copy !req
433. Um... sorry about pulling
the plug on you and all.Copy !req
434. Who could have known
you'd pull through and...Copy !req
435. live for another five decades?Copy !req
436. Ooh, is my face red.Copy !req
437. Mrs. Burns is 122 years oldCopy !req
438. so try to sound more desiccated.Copy !req
439. And she doesn't call
her son "Mr. Burns."Copy !req
440. Son, this is Mrs. Burns.Copy !req
441. I just called to say
I don't love you.Copy !req
442. You are a bad son, Mon... tel.Copy !req
443. So...Copy !req
444. Impersonate my mother, will you?Copy !req
445. And you, Smithers, you must
have put him up to it.Copy !req
446. I'm glad I fired you.Copy !req
447. You really blew it
this time, Smithers.Copy !req
448. Stop that!
Stop that at once!Copy !req
449. You're fighting!Copy !req
450. Stop fighting
like a girl, Simpson.Copy !req
451. Okay.Copy !req
452. Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
453. Stop it! Stop it, I say!Copy !req
454. I'll teach you
how to use a phone, you boob!Copy !req
455. D'D'D'Copy !req
456. It's for you.Copy !req
457. D'Copy !req
458. I'll show you!Copy !req
459. My...Copy !req
460. Here comes the endangered condorCopy !req
461. into the power lines.Copy !req
462. I've got Bobo
hot from the dryer.Copy !req
463. Careful not to burn yourself
on his eye.Copy !req
464. I don't need you
to do any of this.Copy !req
465. I'm totally self-reliant now.Copy !req
466. What I would like, though,
is a Spanish peanut.Copy !req
467. Skin?Copy !req
468. It's a remarkable thing.Copy !req
469. In the short time you were goneCopy !req
470. I learned to be
completely self-reli...Copy !req
471. ant.Copy !req
472. And as for that brutish fellowCopy !req
473. who knocked me out the window,Copy !req
474. see that he gets
what's coming to him.Copy !req
475. I already have, Sir.Copy !req
476. What'd you get that for?Copy !req
477. For knocking Mr. Burns out
of a third-story window.Copy !req
478. Makes sense to me.Copy !req
479. Did he die?Copy !req
480. What am I, a doctor?Copy !req
481. Shh!Copy !req
482. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.Copy !req