The Simpsons 7x1

1. D'

2. Aah!

3. My mouth tastes like an ashtray.

4. Smithers, wait your turn.

5. There's plenty of hot water for all.

6. Sir! You weren't shot.

7. It was all a dream.

8. That's right.

9. The year is 1965, and you and I are

10. undercover detectives on the hot rod circuit.

11. Now let's burn rubber, baby.

12. Wait!

13. That was all a dream.

14. Hey, then maybe I haven't become a hideous, drunken wreck.

15. Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield

16. but until now, none of them was important.

17. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 p.m. Friday,

18. local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot

19. following a tense confrontation at town hall.

20. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital,

21. where he was pronounced dead.

22. He was then transferred to a better hospital

23. where doctors upgraded his condition to "Alive."

24. Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.

25. Hiya, Kent.

26. Right now, we are questioning

27. two witnesses who were in the vicinity

28. at the time.

29. Did you see this guy?

30. Was he anywhere near the parking lot

31. when Burns got shot?

32. No, it's no use.

33. They ain't talking.

34. Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns,

35. even us.

36. Bart, he broke your dog's legs.

37. Grandpa, he destroyed your home.

38. And Dad, well, you kinda went berserk

39. when he couldn't remember your name.

40. Berserk is right!

41. May I have some iced tea, please?

42. Aren't we forgetting someone... Sister suspect?

43. Yeah, I was just getting to me.

44. Because of Mr. Burns, they canceled my jazz program

45. and my friend Tito Puente got fired...

46. But I could never shoot someone.

47. - Could so. - Could not.

48. - Could so. - Could not.

49. Kids, kids, kids!

50. As far as Daddy's concerned

51. you're both potential murderers.

52. The police already have a suspect.

53. It's Mr. Smithers.

54. - Sure! - He's a good suspect.

55. I bet he's the one. Yeah! Smingers did it.

56. Case closed. Now where's my hat?

57. I'm going to the outhouse.

58. We don't have an outhouse.

59. My toolshed!

60. Dad?

61. Could I have shot Mr. Burns in a drunken rage?

62. No, no, not me!

63. I know in my heart I...

64. A gun...

65. And it's been recently fired.

66. Wait. I remember leaving the town meeting.

67. I must have run into Mr. Burns outside and...

68. Mr. Burns!

69. What have I done?

70. Hey, Homer... Us hotheads here

71. is gonna go tear down Burns's sunblocking machine.

72. You want to come with?

73. Sure.

74. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets.

75. Pull, Duchess, pull!

76. Um... What town did we just crush?

77. Shelbyville.

78. This guilt is driving me mad.

79. I've got to tell someone.

80. Father, I'm not a Catholic but...

81. Well, I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade.

82. Anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess.

83. I'm the one who...

84. Who shot Mr. Burns.

85. That's all I needed to hear.

86. Boy, this thing works great.

87. The man became consumed by greed.

88. He'd steal from anyone.

89. This isn't a rival company you're battling with.

90. It's a school. People won't stand for it.

91. Pish-posh.

92. It will be like taking candy from a baby.

93. Say, that sounds like a larf.

94. And when he tried to steal our sunlight,

95. he crossed that line between everyday villainy

96. and cartoonish super-villainy.

97. Bah!

98. He was a rank amateur compared to Dr. Colossos.

99. When is my lawyer coming?

100. Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper.

101. Who are you? Where are you going?

102. Do your research, Shutton.

103. Kent Brockman, Channel 6 News.

104. How does it feel to be accused

105. of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor?

106. Kent, I feel about as low as Madonna

107. when she found out she missed Tailhook.

108. I'm going to say, "Ouch!" for Madonna.

109. Hey, that's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag.

110. And you stole it

111. from last Friday's episode of "Pardon My Zinger."

112. Stole, made up... What's the difference?

113. Mr. Smithers must have seen that program too.

114. He never misses it.

115. At the town meeting, he mentioned

116. that he watched Comedy Central.

117. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual.

118. Ye gods!

119. To the police station, Krusty.

120. I am Melvin Van Horn

121. and this is my associate, Hershel Krustofsky.

122. Hey, hey.

123. Officers, you have arrested an innocent man.

124. Really? Geez.

125. All right Colossos, you're free to go,

126. but stay away from death mountain.

127. But all my stuff is there.

128. I was referring to Wayland Smithers.

129. Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3:00 p.m.

130. The very time that Smithers was at home

131. watching "Pardon My Zinger."

132. So you see, he couldn't have done it.

133. Yes...

134. You're right. I remember now.

135. I... I watched that entire show. In fact...

136. I left the town meeting early, so I could get home in time.

137. I got to run or I'll miss

138. the opening rank-out.

139. Get out of my way, please.

140. Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walking,

141. not for fancy walking.

142. Out of my way. I'm in a hurry.

143. You simmer down, I'll let you go.

144. So, instead of wounding an evil old man

145. I may have killed an innocent old man.

146. That's much worse.

147. About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean.

148. Sizzle!

149. Wait a minute. If a second old geezer got shot,

150. how come nobody reported it?

151. Hi.

152. Um, could we take a look at your leg?

153. Yeah, that's real spruce.

154. You like it?

155. Thank God.

156. Sir, I only hope you can forgive me

157. for shooting your wooden leg.

158. You shot who in the what, now?

159. Okay, Smithers, you're free to go.

160. And you, one question.

161. Do you know who shot Mr. Burns?

162. 'Cause we are really up the creek on this one.

163. And with the prime suspect cleared

164. and found completely innocent,

165. we must now ask ourselves

166. who could possibly be as bloodthirsty

167. as Wayland Smithers?

168. I guess it's never the most likely suspect.

169. Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases it is.

170. The rest of the time, it's usually

171. some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason.

172. Hey, I had a damn good reason.

173. He could never remember my name.

174. Who the devil are you?

175. Homer Simpson!

176. My name is Homer Simpson!

177. Well, I don't think anyone in this family

178. is capable of attempted murder.

179. You never know what you're capable of.

180. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane,

181. but last year I proved myself wrong.

182. Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery

183. is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends,

184. and I've got an inquisitive temperament.

185. Maybe I could help solve this.

186. I think you're a little young

187. to be investigating an attempted murder.

188. Why don't you try to solve the mystery

189. of who put that mud in the freezer?

190. Who wants chocolate ice cream?

191. Me, me, me, me!

192. Okay, boys, we've got a clue.

193. The bullet they took out of Burns.

194. Now, let's discuss the mo-tive.

195. Mr. Burns is the richest man in town.

196. Maybe it's about money.

197. That's some good thinking, Lou.

198. Hey, thanks, Chief.

199. Hey, I said that!

200. My name is Lisa Simpson,

201. and I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case.

202. Look. Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially.

203. Nightclub owner Moe Szyslak.

204. His bar was closed because of Burns's negligence.

205. Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumble.

206. When Moe's closed Barney lost his only means of support:

207. Sucking coins out of the love tester machine.

208. That's a real good way to get sick.

209. Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner.

210. His school lost millions

211. when Burns pirated its oil well.

212. And grounds tender Groundskeeper Willy.

213. He lost his job and his dream of owning

214. a fine crystal slop bucket.

215. And what about that jazz teacher that got laid off,

216. you know, Mr. Samba, Señor Mambo... What was it?

217. - Tito Puente? - Yeah.

218. Well, he did vow revenge.

219. But I can't see him doing something illegal.

220. He's in show business, he's a celebrity.

221. Let's roll, boys.

222. Revenge? Of course...

223. But why wound his body with bullets

224. when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo?

225. Listen, if you will, to my revenge.

226. Uno, dos, tres...

227. - Ole! - Yeah!

228. Okay, okay, I believe you're innocent.

229. Gee, I hope all the suspects are this much fun.

230. Now...

231. Now let...

232. Let me...

233. Let me think.

234. Now I did...

235. I did go to the town meeting

236. with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns.

237. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply

238. my camouflage makeup.

239. Blast! I took mother's makeup kit by mistake.

240. Excuse me, ma'am.

241. Superintendent Chalmers!

242. My God!

243. So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?

244. Yes, but anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

245. I'm telling ye, I could nay have shot Burns.

246. This is your last warning about that.

247. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol.

248. If you'll check my medical records

249. you'll see I have a crippling arthritis

250. in me index fingers.

251. Look at them.

252. I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.

253. Yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.

254. Video game?

255. Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

256. No.

257. Alright, maybe I did but I didn't shoot him.

258. Checks out. Okay sir, you're free to go.

259. Good, cause I got a hot date tonight.

260. A date.

261. Dinner with a friend.

262. Dinner alone.

263. Watching TV alone.

264. All right!

265. I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies

266. in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

267. Sears catalog.

268. Would you unhook this already, please?

269. I don't deserve this kinda shabby treatment.

270. Grandpa, I found your cigar box

271. dug up in the back yard, but the gun wasn't there.

272. Have you seen it?

273. You accuse me of everything around here.

274. "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?

275. "Who threw a cane at the TV?

276. Who fell into the China hutch?"

277. I was just asking if you'd seen it.

278. There's no need to be a prickly pear.

279. You're the bee's knees, baby.

280. I missed you bad.

281. Were you talking to me, Grandpa?

282. Um... Yes.

283. Ew...

284. We're still not close.

285. Boy! This is gonna be an all-night brainbuster.

286. Yep, better drink some coffee.

287. We're out of coffee.

288. Well, I'll just drink this warm cream.

289. I'm not following you.

290. Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh!

291. I had an idea, Chief.

292. Why don't we check out that suit

293. Burns was wearing when he got shot?

294. Did you have the same backwards-talking dream

295. with the flaming cards?

296. I'll drive.

297. Eureka!

298. Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours?

299. No. We need to find out who it belonged to.

300. We want a DNA test.

301. Ooh-ooh-ee-ooh.

302. That takes eight to ten weeks.

303. Did I say weeks?

304. 'Cause I meant seconds.

305. What do you got, the whole town's DNA on file?

306. If you've ever handled a penny,

307. the government's got your DNA.

308. Why do you think they keep 'em in circulation?

309. Scan's finished.

310. Now it's going to narrow it down

311. to the family bloodline.

312. Homer Simpson!

313. Bingo.

314. Our gunman has a name-o.

315. - Chief, Chief! - Chief.

316. Hey, Chief Wiggum what are you doing?

317. What's going on?

318. I'm sorry, kid. We got Simpson DNA on Burns's clothing

319. and your father was identified by the old man himself.

320. DNA, positive I.D.

321. Those won't hold up in any court.

322. - Run, Dad! - Hey ho.

323. Look what I found under Mr. Simpson's car seat.

324. I swear! I've never seen that gun before.

325. Then why are your fingerprints all over it, sir?

326. This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns.

327. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest

328. for attempted murder.

329. D'

330. Yeah, that's what they all say...

331. They all say "D'"

332. Yeah, we need two cups of coffee,

333. and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes

334. with extra dipping sauce.

335. Please pull up to the service window, please.

336. The wagon's too tall.

337. I don't want to have to get out.

338. I'll just drive up on the curb.

339. Blug.

340. Almost got it.

341. Drop the food, Chief.

342. Dang fools.

343. Drive-through's not for parking.

344. Diane, I'm going to take my break now.

345. Hi, everybody.

346. Ho! Mer... Simp... Son.

347. Okay, that was a little strange.

348. Um...

349. Tell me, how are you feeling today?

350. Homer.

351. Simpson Homer.

352. D-... Simpson!

353. That seems to be all you can say.

354. When you were in that coma,

355. did you feel your brain getting damaged?

356. The police have such a strong case against Homer.

357. Mr. Burns said he did it.

358. They have Homer's DNA...

359. They have Simpson DNA.

360. It could have come from any of us.

361. Except you, since you're a Bouvier.

362. No, no, no, when I took your father's name

363. I took everything that came with it, including DNA.

364. Okay, Mom.

365. Anyway, my point is

366. the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems.

367. Like those fingerprints.

368. They could have gotten on the gun some other way.

369. Are you sure you don't want me to hold

370. one of your ice cream cones?

371. Yeah, right.

372. You chose fruit. You live with fruit.

373. D'

374. No... No... No.

375. Ew! Why is this on the floor?

376. And we don't even know whose gun that was.

377. Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad.

378. No, we can't start thinking that way

379. about our own family members.

380. Suspicion could tear us apart.

381. That's right.

382. We all got to stick together

383. if we're gonna have any hope of bringing

384. that awful Homer to justice.

385. Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files.

386. And now, Wayland Smithers,

387. who's been a real good sport

388. about that wrongful arrest thing...

389. Has a statement that he would like to make.

390. - Wayland? - Thank you.

391. As Montgomery Burns's closest friend,

392. I'm certain that there is nothing he'd want more

393. than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson.

394. Therefore, I am offering a $50,000 reward

395. for his capture... Dead or alive.

396. Holy cow! Me first! Me first!

397. Homer Simpson?

398. So, you finally learned my name?

399. Homer Simpson.

400. I've got no time for your demented parlor games.

401. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.

402. The scene of the crime.

403. There must be something here that can clear Dad.

404. Clue, clue.

405. That's it! Mr. Pigeon!

406. I'd kiss you if you weren't swimming with disease.

407. So the DNA was right.

408. It must have been... Dad!

409. Attention all units: Homer Simpson has been sighted.

410. Proceed at once to Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital.

411. Be careful when we capture him.

412. We cannot claim the reward

413. unless we have 51% of the carcass.

414. Stop!

415. Don't shoot my dad!

416. He's innocent.

417. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

418. - Stop telling them it was me! - Homer Simpson.

419. I'll kill you for saying it was me.

420. Ho-mer Simp-son.

421. What is the m-meaning of this?

422. Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?

423. D'

424. Say it, Burns!

425. Say I never shot you!

426. Before...

427. Shot? By you?

428. I'm afraid not, my primitive friend.

429. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity

430. nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm.

431. The one who shot me was...

432. M... Maggie Simpson!

433. With the sunblocker in place and the town aghast,

434. I was on top of the world.

435. So, I wanted to kick up my heels

436. and indulge my sweet tooth.

437. I feel like celebrating.

438. It's you. What are you so happy about?

439. I see.

440. Yes...

441. That's the one.

442. Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt

443. to take candy from a baby,

444. but with him out of the picture,

445. I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

446. I think you better drop it.

447. But the old axiom was misleading;

448. taking the candy proved exceedingly difficult.

449. I said, drop it!

450. Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid

451. but finding only slack-jawed gawkers

452. I gave up and collapsed on the sundial.

453. Then with your last ounce of strength

454. you pointed to "W" And "S"

455. Or, from your point of view, "M" And "S."

456. Maggie Simpson.

457. What?

458. No, with my last ounce of strength

459. I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them.

460. Those paramedics have sticky fingers.

461. Well, I'm just relieved that Homer's safe

462. and that you've recovered, and we can all get back to normal.

463. If Maggie could talk

464. I'm sure she'd apologize for shooting you.

465. I'm afraid that's insufficient.

466. Officer, arrest the baby.

467. Yeah, right, Pops.

468. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby.

469. Maybe Texas.

470. Besides, she didn't mean it.

471. It was an accident.

472. Shh!

473. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.