The Simpsons 6x12

Patrick Stewart as Number One / himself (voice) • Patrick Stewart as Number One (voice)

Homer joins the secret society of the Stonecutters and is suddenly exalted when the brethren discover his birthmark. The ancient order is shaken to the core by the ineptitude of its new Chosen One.

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1. D'

2. Aah!

3. Looks like you got a leak.

4. Could you start fixing it pretty soon?

5. The basement is getting awfully flooded

6. and I think the cat's down there.

7. Yeah, I probably won't be able

8. to get the parts I need for two... three weeks.

9. And that's if I order them today, which I won't.

10. Dear.

11. Emergency call. Gotta go.

12. What should we do until you get back?

13. Put a pan down there.

14. It didn't work.

15. Lousy traffic jams.

16. The traffic report will get me out of this one.

17. This is Arnie Pie.

18. Looks like we got a little accident

19. that's backing traffic up

20. as far as this reporter can see.

21. Hi, Dad.

22. Hey, how come you guys got such great parking places?

23. It's a secret.

24. Shh! Shut up.

25. All right, Econo-save, you just made the list.

26. Hey, will you guys help me fix my...

27. Hey, how come you guys got better chairs than me?

28. It's a secret.

29. Shh! Shut up.

30. Hey, you guys want to go bowling tonight?

31. Nah, we're busy.

32. Yeah, we got things to do.

33. Like what?

34. It's a secret.

35. Shut up.

36. So anyway, Lenny and Karl are never around on Wednesdays,

37. and they don't tell me where they go.

38. It's like a conspiracy.

39. A conspiracy? You think they might be involved

40. in the Kennedy assassination in some way?

41. I do now.

42. Anyway, I'm going to follow them tonight and see where they go.

43. Homer, don't start stalking people again.

44. It's so illegal.

45. Remember when you were stalking

46. Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden?

47. Well, something did.

48. I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.

49. Okay, have it your own way, Marge.

50. I'll be back in a minute.

51. I'm going outside...

52. to...

53. stalk...

54. Lenny and Karl...

55. D'

56. All I had to do is follow the yellow drip road.

57. There's our secret meeting place.

58. - Yes, let's go inside. - Sounds good.

59. Whoop.

60. I can see everything.

61. And they're none the wiser.

62. Ooh. Ooh...

63. - An intruder. - He will pay the ultimate price.

64. Yes, the ultimate price.

65. Get out of here.

66. I saw weird stuff

67. in that place last night.

68. Weird, strange, sick, twisted,

69. eerie, godless, evil stuff,

70. and I want in.

71. We don't know what you're talking about, Homer.

72. And you can't join the Stonecutters

73. because it's too exclusive.

74. Well, it was a real nice secret organization we had once.

75. Stonecutters? How do I join?

76. There are only two ways to gain membership.

77. Be the son of a Stonecutter...

78. Next.

79. Or save the life of a Stonecutter.

80. Hey!

81. I saved your life.

82. That egg sandwich could have killed you by cholesterol.

83. Forget it, Homer.

84. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol,

85. it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level

86. of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream.

87. So one of those Egg Council creeps

88. got to you too?

89. You got it all wrong, Homer.

90. It's not like that.

91. You'd better run, egg!

92. Why don't people like me, Marge?

93. Everyone likes you. You're a wonderful person.

94. Why don't those stupid idiots

95. let me in their crappy club for jerks?

96. I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer.

97. It is.

98. It's been happening to me all my life.

99. Hey, Billy! Hey, Joey!

100. Come on in. There's plenty of room.

101. - Sorry. Not you, Homer. - Why not?

102. But you let in Homer Glumplet.

103. It says "No Homers."

104. We're allowed to have one.

105. I felt so left out.

106. Kids can be so cruel.

107. We can?

108. Thanks, Mom!

109. Cut it out, Bart!

110. I'd give anything to get in to the Stonecutters.

111. What do they do there, Dad?

112. I'm a member.

113. What do they do? What don't they do?

114. They do so many things, they never stop.

115. The things they do there... My stars!

116. You don't know what they do there, do you?

117. Not as such, no.

118. I'm a Stonecutter.

119. Dad, remember those self-hypnosis classes

120. we took to help us ignore Grampa?

121. Do I ever. It's five years later,

122. and I still think I'm a chicken.

123. - I'm a chicken, Marge. - I know, I know.

124. Maybe we should be listening to him, now.

125. I'm a member.

126. - What? - What?

127. You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa?

128. Sure, let's see.

129. I'm an Elk, a Mason, a communist.

130. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance

131. for some reason.

132. Here it is! The Stonecutters!

133. This is it! My ticket in.

134. They have to let me join if I'm the son of a member.

135. I'll take this communist one too.

136. Coming through. Can't throw me out.

137. My father's a member.

138. - I'm in. I'm in. - Okay, okay. Homer, you're in.

139. Just don't point that thing at me.

140. Thanks, Lenny.

141. When am I going to be initiated?

142. As soon as Number One gets here.

143. Number One?

144. What kind of stupid wiener name is that?

145. Hello. My name is Number One.

146. And so forth.

147. We call each other by number, not by name.

148. Carl is number 14. I'm number 12.

149. Burnsie is number 29.

150. You outrank Mr. Burns here?

151. Sure, watch.

152. Hey, 29, get over here.

153. Thank you, sir. May I have another?

154. Patience, Monty.

155. Climb the ladder.

156. Is he the leader?

157. Of this chapter.

158. There are chapters all over the world.

159. And it has been foretold

160. that someday a chosen one will...

161. Okay, okay. I didn't ask for your life story.

162. Let the initiation begin.

163. All Stonecutters must take the leap of faith.

164. If you survive this five-story plunge,

165. your character will be proven.

166. Happy landings.

167. I think I have to do it again.

168. My blindfold came off.

169. This ritual is called "Crossing the Desert."

170. Ooh! Ooh!

171. And this we call "The Unblinking Eye."

172. Ooh! Ooh!

173. Hey, have you ever noticed that the "Crossing the Desert"

174. Is a lot like "The Unblinking Eye"?

175. It's exactly like "The Wreck of the Hesperus."

176. And now the final ordeal.

177. "The Paddling of the Swollen Ass with Paddles."

178. And by the sacred parchment, I swear

179. that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters

180. may my stomach become bloated

181. and my head be plucked of all but three hairs.

182. Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.

183. Everyone takes the same oath.

184. Welcome to the club, number 908.

185. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters

186. who since ancient times have split the rocks of ignorance

187. that obscure the light of knowledge and truth.

188. Now let's all get drunk and play ping-pong.

189. 'Cause he's already kind of heavy, you know, and...

190. Well, to be honest

191. I never got around to ordering that part for you.

192. So it's still going to be a couple of weeks.

193. Really?

194. Yes.

195. Really?

196. Yes. Yes!

197. But what if I were to shake your hand

198. in this wise?

199. Wah-wah-weh!

200. Whoa. I didn't realize you were a member.

201. So long, suckers.

202. Same old space, Dad?

203. Yep, but they gave me these roller blades

204. so I can glide to the front door.

205. Whoa. Whoa.

206. Whoa!

207. Whoa!

208. Sweet.

209. Jealous?

210. Well, no. We've got the same chair.

211. You're jealous.

212. Your membership pack.

213. What's this?

214. Put that sticker on your car so you won't get any tickets.

215. This other one keeps paramedics from stealing your wallet

216. while they're working on you.

217. And don't bother calling 911 anymore.

218. Here's the real number.

219. Ooh.

220. I still don't believe

221. all the Founding Fathers were Stonecutters.

222. That's because you trust your stupid school books.

223. Here's what really happened

224. at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

225. And a nation is born.

226. Now let us party

227. like 'twas 1799!

228. Quaff! Quaff! Quaff! Quaff!

229. Quaff! Quaff! Quaff! Quaff!

230. Quaff! Quaff! Quaff!

231. Please, sir,

232. you're destroying my establishment.

233. We just created

234. the greatest democracy on earth,

235. you low-life commoner!

236. You want to see how Davy Crockett really died at the Alamo?

237. You must be 18.

238. Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who"

239. just invited you to a secret "wink-wink"

240. at the "you-know-what."

241. You certainly are popular now that you're a Stonecutter.

242. Yeah.

243. "Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists,

244. A.A. meetings, beer night."

245. It's wonderful, Marge.

246. I've never felt so accepted in all my life.

247. These people look deep within my soul

248. and assign me a number

249. based on the order in which I joined.

250. Thank you.

251. Tonight we are here to commemorate

252. our glorious society's 1,500th anniversary.

253. And in honor of this momentous occasion,

254. we're having ribs.

255. I need a bib.

256. If I slop any on my shirt,

257. I could lose the respect of my beloved brethren.

258. So let us rejoice and enjoy our meal

259. in the shadow of the hallowed sacred parchment.

260. - Homer. Yeah.

261. - Thanks, Lenny. - This is terrible.

262. This is just appalling and outrageous.

263. What? Did I miss something?

264. God!

265. No! Homer, no! This is outrageous!

266. You can't do that. No!

267. You really are stupid!

268. And the official Stonecutter underwear, too.

269. Aw...

270. Please don't kick me out.

271. This society's everything to me.

272. Please give me another chance.

273. I've learned my lesson!

274. I've learned my lesson!

275. That's it!

276. - How can we punish him further? - Get him out.

277. - Sorry. - Homer Simpson,

278. for your continuing and baffling desecration

279. of our beloved sacred parchment,

280. you are hereby banished

281. from the Stonecutters forever.

282. And as a final humiliation,

283. you must walk home naked,

284. dragging behind you the Stone of Shame.

285. The mark!

286. That.

287. It's just a birthmark.

288. And I'll thank you not to stare.

289. He's the chosen one.

290. You are the chosen one

291. whom the sacred parchment prophesied

292. would lead us to glory!

293. Now, to the top

294. of Mount Springfield for the coronation!

295. - Remove the Stone of Shame. - Woo-hoo!

296. Attach the Stone of Triumph!

297. Wow.

298. Mental note: Don't overdo this.

299. Peekaboo!

300. I always wondered if there was a god

301. and now I know.

302. There is, and it's me.

303. You're not a god, Homer.

304. Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting.

305. - So? - Beware the Ides of March.

306. - No. - Dad, I know you think you're happy now,

307. but it's not gonna last forever.

308. - Everything lasts forever. - Don't you see?

309. Getting what you want all the time

310. will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.

311. Remove the girl.

312. Dad, you're not with your Stonecutters now.

313. There are no lackeys around to carry out your every...

314. Another strike for the chosen one!

315. - Hurrah! - Whoo-hoo!

316. - Well, that's just an excellent break. - Most assuredly.

317. - Absolutely. - Whoo-hoo!

318. I'm out.

319. No, no, no, no, Homer.

320. You have the royal, um... sampler.

321. I win again, don't I?

322. Whoo-hoo.

323. You know, I think you guys are letting me win.

324. No! No, no! No! No!

325. From now on, I want you to be honest with me.

326. I mean, I'm not perfect, right?

327. Run.

328. Aah!

329. The Grand Exalted Leader requests

330. a moment of your time.

331. Class dismissed.

332. Yay!

333. Yay!

334. Lisa, you were right.

335. My happiness is fading.

336. You're experiencing spiritual emptiness

337. because your power has isolated you

338. from other human beings.

339. What do you mean, isolated?

340. Well, maybe you could reach out to the community

341. and help other people.

342. I could help others.

343. I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up,

344. and make them reenact the Civil War.

345. Dad, that doesn't help people.

346. Couldn't hurt,

347. unless the monkeys started hurting people,

348. which they almost certainly would.

349. Brothers! Brothers!

350. Brothers, I've learned a wonderful lesson.

351. Helping others makes our own lives better

352. and makes us better people,

353. so instead of just shooting pool and drinking beer,

354. let us Stonecutters use what we have

355. to help the less fortunate.

356. He's gone mad with power

357. like that Albert Schweitzer guy.

358. Whee!

359. Ooh, for the love of God!

360. Somebody get the jaws of life!

361. Higher!

362. Higher!

363. I'll give you higher, my filthy little urchin.

364. You've won this round...

365. Thank you, Mr. Simpson.

366. It looks so much better.

367. A beautiful sky blue.

368. You were right, Lisa.

369. I've never felt so spiritually fulfilled.

370. And with my brothers, the Stonecutters, behind me,

371. this is the beginning of a better world for all of us.

372. - We got to kill him! - Take it easy, Moe.

373. Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council

374. - before we act too rashly. - Kill him!

375. - Kill him! - Kill the fool!

376. Afraid I have to disagree

377. with Orville, Jack, and Mister.

378. Can't we just do something to his voice box?

379. We might as well face the truth.

380. As long as we're Stonecutters, he will control our lives.

381. Maybe, but maybe we don't want to be Stonecutters no more.

382. Hey, this much better than the old Stonecutter hall.

383. Silence!

384. I now call to order the first meeting

385. of the Ancient Mystic Society of...

386. No Homers.

387. Hey, fellas, can I join?

388. Sorry. No Homers.

389. Aw!

390. Loyal Stonecutters!

391. Let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg!

392. Homer, you can't just keep hanging out

393. with these colobus monkeys.

394. Somebody's going to get parasites.

395. Marge, kids, I miss my club.

396. Homie.

397. You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.

398. - The Black Panthers? - No.

399. The Family Simpson,

400. which has just five members.

401. And only two of those members

402. have special rings.

403. - Yeah! - Yeah!

404. I meant our wedding rings!

405. You know, Marge, you're right.

406. The Simpson Family is the best possible club

407. I could belong to.

408. Ack!

409. This club better be worth it!

410. Ee!

411. All right, all right.

412. It's Lisa's turn.

413. - Shh! - Shut up!

414. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.