The Simpsons 6x10

Directed by Wes Archer

Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz / Troy McClure / Lyle Lanley / others (voice) • Maggie Roswell as Maude Flanders (voice) • Phil Hartman as Troy McClure (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Van Houten (voice)

Grandpa's homemade tonic puts life back in the Simpson bedroom, so he and Homer hit the road to sell the stuff.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'

2. We now return to the 1971 film

3. "Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie

4. and the Great Frisco Freak-out,"

5. starring Troy McClure.

6. Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds,

7. then what happened to the bag with our stash?

8. There's more than one way to get high, baby.

9. Whoa!

10. Ooh.

11. Please, Marge.

12. How often can I see a movie of this caliber

13. on late-night TV?

14. Is there something wrong, Homie?

15. No. It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before

16. and I've seen you every night for the last 11 ye...

17. What I meant to say is...

18. we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie, I promise.

19. Enchiladas!

20. Mom! Dad!

21. Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light!

22. There's a U.F.O. outside my window.

23. Seriously.

24. Bart.

25. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.

26. C-Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight?

27. No.

28. Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat

29. - in case the U.F.O. does come? - Yes, yes, yes. That's fine.

30. Good, good.

31. I hope you kept the Homie fires burning.

32. Homer!

33. - Homer, wake up. Wake up. - What?

34. We need to talk about the marital difficulties

35. we've been having lately.

36. Marge, there's just too much pressure

37. what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls,

38. political strife at home and abroad.

39. But I promise you, the second all those things go away,

40. we'll have sex.

41. I simply can't wait that long.

42. Maybe we should get some help.

43. How about a book?

44. - Ooh, okay. - A tasteful book.

45. All right.

46. Hey, Marge, this guy looks like Apu.

47. Shh. I don't want people to see us

48. looking at these books.

49. Hi, guys. What you looking at?

50. I'm just reading up on artillery.

51. Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in...

52. This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty.

53. It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey.

54. You know that nice midwestern man on the radio

55. who's like a pleasant version of Grampa?

56. Ooh. "Mr. And Mrs. Erotic American."

57. Mom, Dad.

58. Look! This biography of Peter Ueberroth

59. is only 99 cents.

60. And I found the new Al Gore book.

61. "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."

62. Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book

63. "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future."

64. I'm getting this book on U.F.O.'s.

65. Did you know they're real?

66. But there's a huge government conspiracy

67. to cover it up.

68. That's just a paranoid fantasy.

69. Mr. Vice President

70. someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir.

71. Well, this calls for a celebration.

72. I will.

73. Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here.

74. Did you know every good American

75. is at heart an erotic American?

76. It's true.

77. A famous couple...

78. I don't need to tell you

79. it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower...

80. Offered this advice:

81. "Double your pleasure with a bath... together."

82. Homie, I can't quite...

83. The faucet's jammed into my back.

84. I'm stuck.

85. So am I.

86. Kids?

87. Kids?

88. A romantic vacation

89. can provide titillation.

90. Sensual, sanitary seclusion awaits you

91. at any of America's fine AAA-approved motor lodges.

92. The Arabian Nights Room looks nice.

93. The Pharaoh's Chamber

94. has a vibrating sarcophagus.

95. Sorry there, Fred and Ethel.

96. You should have made a reservation.

97. We only got one room left.

98. The toilet is overflowing in the Caveman Room.

99. Here we are.

100. The "utility room."

101. This isn't very erotic.

102. I think it's an actual utility room.

103. No, honey, it's a romantic fantasy.

104. I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're...

105. the janitor's wife

106. who has to live with me in the utility room.

107. Don't mind me, folks.

108. Just need to get the ol' wet-dry vac.

109. By now your new, improved love life

110. should have you flinging woo like nobody's business.

111. So, to you, Mr. And Mrs. Erotic American

112. I bid... good day.

113. Welcome home, son.

114. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail.

115. What's wrong with your wife?

116. Never mind. You wouldn't understand.

117. - Flu? - No.

118. - Protein deficiency? - No.

119. Pneumonoultramicroscopic silicovolcanoconiosis?

120. No.

121. Unsatisfying sex life?

122. Yes, but please, don't you say that word.

123. What? Sex!

124. What's so unappealing

125. about hearing your elderly father talk about sex?

126. I had sex.

127. You're home safe. Done my duty.

128. See you the next time we need your signature.

129. Aw, you never want to spend any time with me.

130. But I can help you with your loving problem.

131. I got a home remedy

132. that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers.

133. Legend has it

134. my great Grampappy stumbled upon this recipe

135. when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute

136. for holy water.

137. Here you g...

138. Hey!

139. Here you go, you ingrate.

140. Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life.

141. Drink it.

142. Kids, here's $50. Why not go to the movies

143. then take a cab to your aunt's house.

144. Stay there. Phone call you later. Now now now.

145. Whoa! Homie, what's...

146. Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards.

147. What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now?

148. I don't know.

149. Here he is.

150. Rex Harrison and Paul Anka

151. rolled into one.

152. Ooh...

153. That tonic really works.

154. You and Grampa should bottle it

155. and go into business together.

156. You want me to spend more time with Dad?

157. What about my new year's resolution?

158. You can make a lot of money.

159. Yeah! Where are my pants?

160. You threw them out the window

161. in a fit of passion.

162. You said you were never going to need them again.

163. Hurry, Neddie, they're awful.

164. You just be ready with that garbage bag.

165. Ooh, mama!

166. This is finally really happening.

167. After years of disappointment

168. with "get rich quick" schemes,

169. I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme... and quick.

170. Sir. Hello, sir.

171. Yes. You look like a man who needs help

172. satisfying his wife, so...

173. I guess people have some sort

174. of moral objection to our sex drug.

175. Let me sell it, you idiot!

176. Step right up, folks

177. and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle

178. of Simpson and Son's patented Revitalizing Tonic!

179. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing

180. moisturizing, tantalizing,

181. romanticizing, surprising her-prizing,

182. revitalizing tonic.

183. I doubt very highly

184. that one elixir could boast so many fantastic properties.

185. What say we am-scray out of here

186. and have a wild wing-ding at the cyclotron, doctor?

187. Anything you say, professor. Whoa!

188. Tonight we'll push the twin beds together.

189. And I found something for Milhouse

190. down at the mall too.

191. A pup tent.

192. Boy.

193. Now I can sleep out in the yard.

194. Yeah! Every single night.

195. I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect

196. people feel is actually a mild form of poisoning...

197. No doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions

198. in Grampa Simpson's bathtub.

199. Nonetheless...

200. What's going on?

201. Where are all the grown-ups?

202. Who cares?

203. With no adults around, I run this city.

204. Carry on.

205. Listen to this.

206. "Unexplainable behavior...

207. "individuals acting in a secretive fashion

208. "are often involved with U.F.O.'s

209. "or other paranormal phenomena,

210. e.g., telephone explosions."

211. Jeez, if it's in a book, it's got to be true.

212. Scary, no?

213. And this guy's

214. head of the Spaceology Department

215. at the Correspondence College of Tampa!

216. Will you cook my dinner for me?

217. My parents aren't around

218. and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.

219. Hurry up!

220. We got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit.

221. Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid...

222. Great. I'm gonna be stuck in a car all weekend

223. with that wheezy windbag.

224. And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation.

225. Now, as for your generation...

226. And for the minimal outlay of one dollar

227. you can take home a bottle of liquid lothario.

228. Distilled Don Juan.

229. Catalytically carbonated Casanova.

230. Lock old Rover in the shed 'cause man has a new best friend

231. in Simpson and Son's Revitalizing Tonic.

232. I'm not convinced!

233. I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs.

234. All questions will be answered.

235. All fears will be allayed

236. with one incontrovertible demonstration.

237. May I have a volunteer from the audience?

238. Yes... you sir!

239. Now, sir, you've never seen me before

240. is that correct?

241. That is correct.

242. Well, than, how come his face is on the bottle?

243. Um...

244. You're the worst shill I've ever seen.

245. You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.

246. They didn't start chasing us

247. until you turned on that getaway music.

248. Okay, it's now painfully clear.

249. The adults are definitely paving the way

250. for an invasion by the saucer people.

251. You fool! Can't you see

252. it's a massive government conspiracy?

253. Or have they gotten to you too?

254. Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it!

255. Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions?

256. Haven't you ever heard of "Ockham's razor"?

257. "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."

258. So what's the simplest explanation?

259. I don't know.

260. Maybe they're all reverse vampires

261. and they have to get home before dark.

262. Reverse vampires!

263. Hey, wait a minute.

264. That's Amos Pierson's moose farm.

265. Make a right here.

266. Ew... Why are we stopping at this dump?

267. That's the house you grew up in, son.

268. Wow!

269. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.

270. Yeah, we lived here

271. till the bank foreclosed in '63.

272. Farm went bust after the cows

273. started giving sour milk.

274. Something must have spooked them good.

275. Nyah, stupid cows!

276. Na-na-na-na-na.

277. Boo! Boo!

278. Memories.

279. If this old place could talk, it'd say...

280. There she is,

281. the old Radiation King.

282. You'd park yourself right there

283. and watch for hours on end.

284. If I, may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question

285. with yet another flip remark.

286. Wow.

287. Look at me, er, Mom.

288. I am, er, President Kennedy.

289. Abe. Maybe our Homer

290. could grow up to be President someday.

291. You, President?

292. This is the greatest country in the world.

293. We've got a whole system set up to keep people like you

294. from ever becoming President.

295. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!

296. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!

297. Dad...

298. How come you never gave me any encouragement?

299. Maybe I could have been something more than I am.

300. Like a travel agent to a great scientist

301. or the inventor

302. of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.

303. Who are you to complain?

304. You lock me up in a home

305. and give me the same damn

306. shower safety seat every Christmas.

307. Your whole life you never said

308. one nice thing to me.

309. That's 'cause you're a screw-up.

310. You're the screw-up!

311. Why, you little...

312. All right.

313. All right. That's it.

314. We're going home.

315. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.

316. If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago

317. you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy.

318. You were an accident!

319. Get out.

320. I'm sorry I said that.

321. Out.

322. I'm going to get out of the car

323. and I hope you'll find it in your heart

324. not to drive awa...

325. Well, I'll be all right

326. as long as I can remember my Army training.

327. Dang!

328. I'm sorry.

329. Hi.

330. Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa

331. for the rest of your life?

332. Of course not, Marge.

333. Just for the rest of his life.

334. He said I was an accident.

335. He didn't want to have me.

336. You didn't want to have Bart.

337. I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.

338. You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning.

339. But when I do it, it's cute.

340. So finally we're all in agreement

341. about what's going on with the adults.

342. Milhouse.

343. Okay. Here's what we've got.

344. The Rand Corporation in conjunction with

345. - the saucer people... - Thank you.

346. Under the supervision of the reverse vampires...

347. Are forcing our parents to go to bed early

348. in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!

349. We're through the looking glass here, people.

350. Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky

351. nutty, chewy, chocolatey... Put it away, boy...

352. Situation,

353. and your daddy has realized something very important.

354. A father should always make his kids feel wanted.

355. Starting right now, I promise

356. to spend a lot more time with you

357. and give you the attention you deserve.

358. I can't breathe.

359. And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial

360. from my own flesh and blood...

361. The son who puts the fun in Simpson and Son,

362. my son, Barney!

363. I used to be a fat, disgusting slob.

364. That medicine seems to be giving your son

365. a lot of gas.

366. I assure you his belching is the result

367. of an unrelated alcohol problem.

368. It just ain't the same without Homer.

369. He knew how to drive a car.

370. Son, my dear son.

371. From now on, I'm going to be a good and attentive father.

372. And for starters,

373. your old man is gonna

374. to teach you how to ride

375. your very first bike.

376. Dad, number one,

377. I know how to ride a bike.

378. Number two, I already own a bike

379. and number three, that is a girl's bike.

380. You're no girl.

381. You're a boy.

382. A good boy.

383. You can be President.

384. Scratch that. You will be President!

385. Dad!

386. I think Lisa

387. needs another push on her new tire swing.

388. No, Dad, I want to get down.

389. This tire is filthy

390. and the steel belts are poking me.

391. - Whee! - No!

392. No offense, Homer

393. but your half-assed underparenting

394. was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.

395. But I'm using my whole ass.

396. Dad, it's just that too much of your love

397. can really be...

398. scary.

399. Someday you'll thank me for all this scary love.

400. Now I've got to go somewhere

401. and do some serious thinking.

402. I'm sure he meant to say serious drinking.

403. That's what I assumed.

404. Here's where it all started to go wrong.

405. How am I supposed to be a good Dad

406. when I never had one myself?

407. Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning

408. when I actually got to meet Santa Claus.

409. Some father.

410. Wait a minute.

411. Dad?

412. This photo is a blessing.

413. It eases my pain.

414. This tonic's caused me nothing but trouble.

415. You've done all the damage you're gonna do.

416. Nuts!

417. - Dad! - Son!

418. I'm a screw-up.

419. I burned down our house.

420. No, I'm a screw-up.

421. I burned down our house.

422. - You know what? - What?

423. We're both screw-ups.

424. It doesn't matter.

425. What matters is you were right

426. when you told me

427. I never said anything nice about you.

428. So... are you gonn say something nice now?

429. Well, I hadn't thought that far ahead.

430. Okay, here it goes.

431. I'm not sorry I had you, son,

432. and I was always proud...

433. that you weren't a short man.

434. Aw, Dad!

435. What do you say we roll on the grass, son?

436. I'm with you, Dad.

437. Shh!

438. CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.