1. D'Copy !req
2. Aah!Copy !req
3. All right, I raise a quarter.Copy !req
4. - I'm out.
- I'm out.Copy !req
5. I'm out.Copy !req
6. Homer, you want
any cards? Homer!Copy !req
7. Whoo.Copy !req
8. Don't try to eat
these so-called "chips."Copy !req
9. Do you want another card or not?Copy !req
10. Okay.
I'll take three.Copy !req
11. D'D'D'Copy !req
12. I mean, whoo-hoo.Copy !req
13. I'm in.
Let's see your cards.Copy !req
14. I was bluffing.Copy !req
15. Come to papa!
Wait a minute.Copy !req
16. You have
a straight flush, homer!Copy !req
17. G'You do this every time, ya...
You...Copy !req
18. Chokin' on my own rage, here.Copy !req
19. Hey, don't yell at Homer
just 'cause he's a little slow.Copy !req
20. Something was said. Not good.Copy !req
21. What was it?
"Don't yell at Homer"!Copy !req
22. No, that's okay.
What was it?Copy !req
23. "Slow."
They called you "Slow"!Copy !req
24. How dare you call me that?
I...Copy !req
25. Hey, Homer, you still here?
Boy, you are slow.Copy !req
26. Something said. Not good.Copy !req
27. Get the hell out of here.Copy !req
28. So anyhoo, last night
we're playin' poker, right?Copy !req
29. As usual, I'm winning
and not realizing it.Copy !req
30. And Lenny says that I'm...Copy !req
31. Get this...Copy !req
32. "A little slow"!Copy !req
33. How come you're not laughing?
Do you think I'm slow?Copy !req
34. - Buh.
- Snuh.Copy !req
35. We don't think you're slow,Copy !req
36. but on the other hand,
it's not like you go to museumsCopy !req
37. or read books or anything.Copy !req
38. You think I don't want to?Copy !req
39. It's those TV networks, Marge.
They won't let me.Copy !req
40. One quality show after another,Copy !req
41. each one fresher and more
brilliant than the last.Copy !req
42. If they only stumbled once,Copy !req
43. just gave us 30 minutes
to ourselves.Copy !req
44. But they won't!
They won't let me live!Copy !req
45. Who am I kidding?Copy !req
46. - I am slow.
- Homey.Copy !req
47. If you feel so bad
about yourself,Copy !req
48. there's always things
you can do to feel better.Copy !req
49. Take another bath
in malt liquor?Copy !req
50. There's that.Copy !req
51. Or you could take
an adult education course.Copy !req
52. And how is "education"Copy !req
53. supposed to make
me feel smarter?Copy !req
54. Besides, every time I learn
something new,Copy !req
55. it pushes some old stuff
out of my brain.Copy !req
56. Remember when I took that home wine-making
course and I forgot how to drive?Copy !req
57. That's because you were drunk!Copy !req
58. And how.Copy !req
59. One way to drive your man wildCopy !req
60. is to wear tight,
revealing clothes.Copy !req
61. Eww!Copy !req
62. At this point
I'd like to remind you,Copy !req
63. there are no refunds.Copy !req
64. All right,
here's the 411, folks.Copy !req
65. Say some gangsta
is dissin' your fly girl.Copy !req
66. Ya just give' em one of these.Copy !req
67. You see, that ping sound
means the spit was on target.Copy !req
68. Now you try.Copy !req
69. Gettin' better.Copy !req
70. Wait a minute.
Even Lenny is teaching a class.Copy !req
71. Look at the way they admire
and adore him.Copy !req
72. That's it. If he can teach a class,
he can teach a class!Copy !req
73. I mean, I can teach a class!Copy !req
74. What is your area of expertise?Copy !req
75. Well, I can tell
the difference between butterCopy !req
76. and "I Can't Believe
it's Not Butter."Copy !req
77. No, you can't, Mr. Simpson.
No one can.Copy !req
78. I failed again.Copy !req
79. Everybody can teach
a class but me.Copy !req
80. I'm an idiot. What am I gonna
tell my wife and kids?Copy !req
81. - You're married?
- That depends.Copy !req
82. Is there another way
to get this job?Copy !req
83. No. Mr. Simpson,Copy !req
84. what I mean is we may have
a job for you after all.Copy !req
85. We need someone to teach a course on
how to build a successful marriage.Copy !req
86. I'll do it!Copy !req
87. Anything to get me
out of that house,Copy !req
88. away from all
that nagging and noise,Copy !req
89. of a family of love.Copy !req
90. Look, everyone.Copy !req
91. Now that I'm a teacher, I've
sewed patches on my elbows.Copy !req
92. Homer, that's supposed
to be leather patchesCopy !req
93. on a tweed blazer,
not the other way around.Copy !req
94. You've ruined
a perfectly good jacket.Copy !req
95. Incorrect, Marge...
Two perfectly good jackets.Copy !req
96. I think it's great
you're a teacher, Dad.Copy !req
97. So, will you be lecturing
from a standardized textCopy !req
98. or using the more
Socratic methodCopy !req
99. of interactive
class participation?Copy !req
100. Yes, Lisa.
Daddy's a teacher.Copy !req
101. Homer.
What a pleasant...Copy !req
102. Can't talk now, Flanders.
I've got a class to teach.Copy !req
103. But you rang my...Copy !req
104. Can I take your order?Copy !req
105. Nothing for me today.Copy !req
106. I've got a class to teach.Copy !req
107. Sir, it's a felony
to tease the order box.Copy !req
108. It's all right. I'm a teacher!Copy !req
109. I didn't know we could do that.Copy !req
110. All right. The first thing
they told me to doCopy !req
111. was to make sure everyone here
is in the right class.Copy !req
112. Down the hall, room 12.Copy !req
113. Thank you.Copy !req
114. Ew.Copy !req
115. Okay. Let's get started.Copy !req
116. Um...Copy !req
117. h-h-m...Copy !req
118. No talking.Copy !req
119. No.Copy !req
120. Um, how about if we tell youCopy !req
121. our problems with relationships.Copy !req
122. Yeah. Yeah!
That'll eat up some time.Copy !req
123. Um, how about you, Otto?Copy !req
124. My standards
are just too high, you know?Copy !req
125. I feel like nobody's
good enough for me.Copy !req
126. Whoa. You think
you got 'em all,Copy !req
127. but you forget about the eggs.Copy !req
128. My problem is
I'm a real user of women.Copy !req
129. I move in right away and
stay until the money's gone.Copy !req
130. Well, I'm a smart woman,
but I make bad choices.Copy !req
131. Okay. Here's a set of house keys
and my A.T.M. Card.Copy !req
132. Um, I was married once, but,Copy !req
133. I just didn't know
how to keep it together.Copy !req
134. Come on, Waylon.Copy !req
135. Make love to me
the way you used to.Copy !req
136. No.Copy !req
137. It's that horrible
Mr. Burns, isn't it?Copy !req
138. You leave Mr. Burns
out of this!Copy !req
139. Smithers!Copy !req
140. Smithers!Copy !req
141. Ooh, Mr. Simpson,
are you listening?Copy !req
142. Simpson!Copy !req
143. Yeah, I was listening.
Very funny.Copy !req
144. Ya were not.
You were just eatin' a damn orange.Copy !req
145. Yes, yes.Copy !req
146. To the untrained eye,
I'm eating an orange,Copy !req
147. but to the eye that has brains,Copy !req
148. I'm making a point
about marriage.Copy !req
149. For you see, marriage
is a lot like an orange.Copy !req
150. First you have the skin,Copy !req
151. then the sweet, sweet innards.Copy !req
152. I don't understand.Copy !req
153. If I wanted to see
a man eat an orange,Copy !req
154. I would have taken
the orange-eating class.Copy !req
155. The eating of an orange is
a lot like a good marriage.Copy !req
156. Just eat the damn oranges!Copy !req
157. This is terrible.Copy !req
158. We're leaving.Copy !req
159. Ach, let's get out of here.Copy !req
160. This is a terrible excuse
for education.Copy !req
161. I told Marge this wouldn't
work the other night in bed.Copy !req
162. - In bed? Well.
- What?Copy !req
163. So somethin' wasn't workin' in bed?
Heh, heh, heh.Copy !req
164. No, that's not what I meant.Copy !req
165. Marge and I always
talk things over in bed.Copy !req
166. Like the other night,
we were fighting about money.Copy !req
167. Ooh, a fight.Copy !req
168. Trouble in paradise?
Heh, heh, heh.Copy !req
169. I was telling Marge
that we could save some moneyCopy !req
170. if she only dyed her hair
once a month.Copy !req
171. - Marge dyes her hair?
- Yeah.Copy !req
172. She's been as gray as a mule
since she was 17.Copy !req
173. Ooh.
Come on. Tell us more.Copy !req
174. Tell us about it.Copy !req
175. I went on for hours, and they
were hanging on my every word.Copy !req
176. I really think I was born to teach.Copy !req
177. All right, Simpson.
You were warned about teasing the box.Copy !req
178. Wait! I need closure
on that anecdote.Copy !req
179. Mrs. Simpson,
it may interest you to know,Copy !req
180. we are having a sale
on blue dye number 52.Copy !req
181. It is your hair color,
I believe.Copy !req
182. Whatever do you mean?Copy !req
183. I don't dye my hair.Copy !req
184. Nah, nah, nah.
You got it wrong, 'Pu.Copy !req
185. She's blue 56.Copy !req
186. I don't know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
187. We just love
your husband's class.Copy !req
188. That's nice.Copy !req
189. Homer, I really don't like you telling
personal secrets in your class.Copy !req
190. Marge, I didn't tell 'em
personal stuff.Copy !req
191. Today at the Kwik-e-Mart
everybody knew I dyed my hair.Copy !req
192. You mean about you.Copy !req
193. All right, maybe I said some things,
some personal things.Copy !req
194. But you should've
seen 'em, Marge.Copy !req
195. They really wanted to hear
what I had to say.Copy !req
196. I'm happy about that.Copy !req
197. But I think you
can be a good teacherCopy !req
198. and still respect our privacy.Copy !req
199. Look, Marge.
You don't know what it's like.Copy !req
200. I'm the one out there every day
putting his ass on the line.Copy !req
201. And I'm not out of order.
You're out of order!Copy !req
202. The whole freakin' system
is out of order.Copy !req
203. You want the truth?
You want the truth?Copy !req
204. You can't handle the truth!Copy !req
205. 'Cause when you reach over
and put your hand into a pile of gooCopy !req
206. that was your best friend's face,
you'll know what to do!Copy !req
207. Forget it, Marge.
It's Chinatown!Copy !req
208. Homer, don't ever tell them
personal stuff about me again!Copy !req
209. Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
210. Now, what is a wedding?Copy !req
211. Well, Webster's Dictionary
describes a wedding asCopy !req
212. "The process of removing
weeds from one's garden."Copy !req
213. Tell us more
about you and Marge.Copy !req
214. This is a place of learning,
not a house of...Copy !req
215. hearing about things.Copy !req
216. Guess he's run out of stories.Copy !req
217. What a rip-off.Copy !req
218. I can't believe I paid $10,000
for this course.Copy !req
219. What the heck
was that lab fee for?Copy !req
220. No. Wait. Um...Copy !req
221. Wait. I... Yes.Copy !req
222. I do have a story about
two other young marrieds.Copy !req
223. Now, the wife of this couple
has an interesting quirk in the bedroom.Copy !req
224. It seems she goes wild with desire
if her husband nibbles on her elbow.Copy !req
225. - We need names!
- Well, let's just call 'em,Copy !req
226. Mr. "X" And Mrs. "Y."Copy !req
227. So, anyway, Mr. "X" would say,Copy !req
228. "Marge, if this doesn't
get your motor running,Copy !req
229. my name isn't
Homer J. Simpson."Copy !req
230. Ooh, Homer.Copy !req
231. Don't you have to get to class?Copy !req
232. Not tonight, Marge.Copy !req
233. Tonight we can eat a nice,
leisurely dinner at home.Copy !req
234. Well, that will be l...Copy !req
235. What the darn?Copy !req
236. Marge, you'll never guess what.Copy !req
237. My whole class is here.Copy !req
238. They're going to observe
the human peep showCopy !req
239. that is our lives.Copy !req
240. Apparently, that disturbing odor
was the food.Copy !req
241. So, little Lisa,
apple of my eye,Copy !req
242. how are things down
at the old schoolhouse?Copy !req
243. I find this demeaning and embarrassing
beyond my worst nightmares.Copy !req
244. And how's my little
major leaguer?Copy !req
245. Catch any june bugs today?Copy !req
246. Well, me and Milhouse took
some mail from a mail truckCopy !req
247. and threw it down the sewer.Copy !req
248. Son, I know you meant well,Copy !req
249. but that wasn't
the right thing to do.Copy !req
250. What the hell are you
talkin' about?Copy !req
251. You're the one
who double-dared us.Copy !req
252. Why, you little...Copy !req
253. Ooh.Copy !req
254. Homer!Copy !req
255. - I'm outta here.
- Me too.Copy !req
256. Well, now that the little ones
have toddled off to bed...Copy !req
257. I want this to end now.Copy !req
258. Hey, Homer.
Why don't you just nibble her elbow?Copy !req
259. That always melts her butter, right?
Heh, heh, heh.Copy !req
260. All right.Copy !req
261. Okay.
Everybody out!Copy !req
262. Ooh, she's gotta have it.Copy !req
263. Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!
Get out-out-out-out-out-out-out!Copy !req
264. All right, we're breaking early
tonight, class.Copy !req
265. For tomorrow, you should read
pages seven through 18Copy !req
266. in Lisa's diary.Copy !req
267. You too.Copy !req
268. Get out!Copy !req
269. But I'm not in the cla...Copy !req
270. Is any of this gonna
be on the test?Copy !req
271. 'Cause I wasn't
payin' attention.Copy !req
272. Come on, Marge. Let me in!
There's crickets out here.Copy !req
273. Okay, Marge. Things were said.
Mistakes were made.Copy !req
274. Let's end this madness
and get on with our lives.Copy !req
275. You just don't get it,
do you, Homer?Copy !req
276. You told personal things
about our lives,Copy !req
277. even after
you promised you wouldn't.Copy !req
278. - I can't trust you anymore.
- But I learned my lesson.Copy !req
279. It'll never happen again.Copy !req
280. Hey, Homer.
What's the big brouhaha-ha?Copy !req
281. Marge is throwin' me outCopy !req
282. for blabbin' about her elbow thing.Copy !req
283. Honey, the door blew shut.Copy !req
284. Fine.Copy !req
285. If that's what you want,
you've got it.Copy !req
286. This scene is gettin' old, man.
I'm hittin' the road.Copy !req
287. Maybe I'll drop you a line
someday from wherever I wind upCopy !req
288. in this crazy old world.Copy !req
289. Kids, your father and I are going
through a really tough time right now,Copy !req
290. and I don't know
what's going to happen.Copy !req
291. But just remember that both your mom
and your dad love you very, very much.Copy !req
292. Wow, I've never seen Mom
so mad at Homer before.Copy !req
293. I'll tell you a secret, Bart.Copy !req
294. Every time I'm worried
about Mom and Dad,Copy !req
295. I go to the attic and add
to my ball of string.Copy !req
296. Earth base, this is
commander Bart McCool.Copy !req
297. We are under attack by
the Zorrinid brain changers.Copy !req
298. Quickly, into
the safety dome, Milbot.Copy !req
299. Affirmative, humanoid.Copy !req
300. Ew!Copy !req
301. Don't mind me, boys.
Just scrubbin' my undies.Copy !req
302. Sorry, Bart.
Your dad kinda blew the fantasy.Copy !req
303. I only like it
when I'm pretend-scared.Copy !req
304. Keep up the roughhousing, son.Copy !req
305. Without a strong male
presence in the house,Copy !req
306. you could turn sissy overnight.Copy !req
307. These stubborn grass stains.Copy !req
308. Good.Copy !req
309. Reverend Lovejoy will
make Marge take me back.Copy !req
310. He has to push
the sanctity of marriage,Copy !req
311. or his god will punish him.Copy !req
312. Get a divorce.Copy !req
313. But isn't that a sin?Copy !req
314. Marge, just about
everything is a sin.Copy !req
315. You ever sat down
and read this thing?Copy !req
316. Technically, we're not
allowed to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
317. Good night, Marge.Copy !req
318. Why didn't I take a picture?Copy !req
319. I had ten years
to take a picture.Copy !req
320. Funny the way everything
reminds me of Homer.Copy !req
321. I love you.Copy !req
322. Will you marry me, Marge?Copy !req
323. You mean, I'm gonna be a daddy?Copy !req
324. I hope we'll always be
together, together, together...Copy !req
325. Together?Copy !req
326. Ooh.Copy !req
327. Here, Dad. I brought you some nice...Copy !req
328. Good news, Lisa. I don't need
your mother anymore.Copy !req
329. I've created a replacement that's
superior to her in almost every way.Copy !req
330. Dad, that's just a plant.Copy !req
331. Lisa! You will respect
your new mother.Copy !req
332. Now, give her a kiss.Copy !req
333. Kiss her!Copy !req
334. - My-God! my-God!
- My-God!Copy !req
335. All right.
Let's get our stories straight.Copy !req
336. She tripped, right?Copy !req
337. Look. I brought you
some nice pudding.Copy !req
338. Your flesh mother
used to bring me pudding.Copy !req
339. I miss Marge.Copy !req
340. Lisa, you're smart.
Help me trick her into taking me back.Copy !req
341. Dad, you can't trick somebody
into loving you.Copy !req
342. There's a reason two people
come together and stay together.Copy !req
343. There's something
they give each otherCopy !req
344. that nobody else can give them.Copy !req
345. If you want to get Mom back,
you just have to rememberCopy !req
346. what you give her
that nobody else can.Copy !req
347. I'll pay you $40
if you think of it for me.Copy !req
348. - No.
- Okay. 30.Copy !req
349. Good luck, Dad.Copy !req
350. All right, brain.
It's all up to you.Copy !req
351. If you don't think of what it is,
we'll lose Marge forever.Copy !req
352. Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding.
Eat the pudding.Copy !req
353. Eat the pudding.
Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding.Copy !req
354. Eat the pudding.
Eat the pudding.Copy !req
355. Okay, but then
we gotta get to work.Copy !req
356. H-hi, Marge.Copy !req
357. I heard you and Homer broke up,Copy !req
358. so I'm declarin' my intentions
to move in on his territory.Copy !req
359. Here, I, brung ya some posies.Copy !req
360. My.Copy !req
361. I'm very flattered, but
I'm not really interested.Copy !req
362. Sheesh. I come here,
I get dressed up all nice-like,Copy !req
363. put my heart on the line,
and I make a fool of myself.Copy !req
364. Boy. I'm gonna
start bawlin' here.Copy !req
365. Why don't you come inside
for a drink of water?Copy !req
366. 'Kay.Copy !req
367. Clean house, no silverfish.Copy !req
368. Could've been very happy here.Copy !req
369. - Homer.
- Moe.Copy !req
370. - What are you doin' here?
- I, um... Well, I...Copy !req
371. I never touched her, Homer.Copy !req
372. Homer, I swear,
I never touched her.Copy !req
373. Here's your water, Moe.Copy !req
374. I didn't ask her for no water.Copy !req
375. She's lyin', Homer, she's lyin'.Copy !req
376. She told me you were dead.Copy !req
377. That's the only reason I...
I didn't do nothin'!Copy !req
378. Bye, Moe.Copy !req
379. Homer, what happened to you?Copy !req
380. Marge, I figured out what
I can give you that no one else can:Copy !req
381. A bouquet of po...Copy !req
382. I give up. I don't deserve
to live with you.Copy !req
383. My tattered ragsCopy !req
384. are caught on your coffee table.Copy !req
385. Here.
Let me help you.Copy !req
386. Wait a minute.
Wait, that's it.Copy !req
387. I know now what I can offer you
that no one else can:Copy !req
388. Complete and utter dependence.Copy !req
389. Homer, that's not a good thing.Copy !req
390. Are you kidding?
It's a wondrous, marvelous thing.Copy !req
391. Marge, I need you more than
anyone else on this entire planetCopy !req
392. could possibly ever need you.Copy !req
393. I need you to take care of me,
to put up with meCopy !req
394. and most of all,
I need you to love me,Copy !req
395. because I love you.Copy !req
396. But how do I know
I can trust you?Copy !req
397. Marge, look at me.
We've been separated for a day,Copy !req
398. and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman.Copy !req
399. In another few hours
I'll be dead.Copy !req
400. I can't afford
to lose your trust again.Copy !req
401. I must admit,
you really do make a gal feel needed.Copy !req
402. Wait till my class
hears about this.Copy !req
403. Kidding!Copy !req
404. It's great to be
indoors with my family.Copy !req
405. I'm really glad
you're back, Dad.Copy !req
406. I knew you could do it.Copy !req
407. Now don't screw it up.Copy !req
408. Look, Dad.
I missed you so much,Copy !req
409. I couldn't concentrate in
school and I got an "F."Copy !req
410. Hey, this is dated
two weeks ago.Copy !req
411. Sorry.
Here's a fresh one.Copy !req
412. And I have a special
present for you,Copy !req
413. but I'll give it
to you later tonight.Copy !req
414. Special present? I don't
wanna wait. I want it now!Copy !req
415. I want the children to see.Copy !req
416. Ooh.
Right.Copy !req
417. Later.Copy !req
418. So, Marge, are you
really happy? Really?Copy !req
419. Hey, Moe.Copy !req
420. Shh!Copy !req
421. CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.Copy !req