1. D'Copy !req
2. Aah!Copy !req
3. Welcome to the newCopy !req
4. Springfield Center
for Geriatric Medicine.Copy !req
5. You know, health care
for the agingCopy !req
6. is an important priority...Copy !req
7. Get to Matlock!
Matlock!Copy !req
8. Well, um... Without further ado,Copy !req
9. I give you the man who putsCopy !req
10. young people behind bars...Copy !req
11. Where they belong...
TV's Matlock!Copy !req
12. What's eatin' you, Abe?Copy !req
13. For three weeks,
all you been talkin' aboutCopy !req
14. was meeting Matlock.Copy !req
15. Now you met him,
swiped his pills...Copy !req
16. "Take one every hour to prevent
spastic heart convulsions."Copy !req
17. Clear!Copy !req
18. But you ain't said a word!Copy !req
19. Lookin' at that tired old freak
has made me realize...Copy !req
20. I'm no spring chicken myself.Copy !req
21. I can feel death's
clammy hand on my shoulder.Copy !req
22. Wait, that's my hand.Copy !req
23. Hello. As you may know,Copy !req
24. I might not be around
much longer.Copy !req
25. So, I've decided to give you
your inheritance before I die.Copy !req
26. That way,
I can see you enjoy it.Copy !req
27. Lisa, I know you like
reading, and... So forth.Copy !req
28. To you, I give you my lifetime
of personal correspondence.Copy !req
29. Thanks. "Mr. Simpson. Stop.Copy !req
30. "Your constant letters are
becoming a nuisance. Stop.Copy !req
31. "If you do not cease, I will be
forced to pursue legal action.Copy !req
32. Stop. Signed, Boris Karloff.
Hollywood, California."Copy !req
33. - And to my son, Homer...
- Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
34. - And his entire family...
- D'Copy !req
35. I leave these...
A box of mint condition,Copy !req
36. 1918 Liberty Head
silver dollars.Copy !req
37. You see, back in those days,
rich men would ride aroundCopy !req
38. in zeppelins,
dropping coins on people.Copy !req
39. And one day, I seen
J.D. Rockefeller flyin' by,Copy !req
40. so I run out of the house
with a big washtub, and...Copy !req
41. - Where are you goin'?
- Dad, we'd love to stay hereCopy !req
42. And listen to your
amusing "Antidotes,"Copy !req
43. But we have to take these coins
to the mall and spend 'em!Copy !req
44. Anyway, about my washtub.Copy !req
45. I just used it that morning
to wash my turkey,Copy !req
46. which in those days was known asCopy !req
47. a "walking bird."Copy !req
48. We'd always have walking bird
on Thanksgiving,Copy !req
49. with all the trimmings.Copy !req
50. Cranberries, "Injun eyes,"Copy !req
51. and yams stuffed with gunpowder.Copy !req
52. Then we'd all watch football,Copy !req
53. which in those days
was called "baseball."Copy !req
54. Look, Maggie!Copy !req
55. It's Sergeant Thug's
mountaintop command post,Copy !req
56. complete with deathbringer missiles
that really launch.Copy !req
57. That toy isn't safe
for a baby like Maggie.Copy !req
58. Aw, come on, Marge.
You're way too...Copy !req
59. D'Copy !req
60. When I was young,
toys were built to last.Copy !req
61. Look at this junk!Copy !req
62. It breaks the first time
you take it out of the box.Copy !req
63. And look at these toy soldiers!Copy !req
64. They'll break
the second I step on 'em.Copy !req
65. Stupid... Toy... Soldiers!Copy !req
66. Break, you stupid...Copy !req
67. All right.
Come on, pops.Copy !req
68. Soldiers won't bother you anymore.Copy !req
69. Thank you.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
70. I'm warning you, Mom.
I may get a little crazy.Copy !req
71. I understand, honey.
When I was your age, there was a...Copy !req
72. Hey, horse face! Get your ugly
pie-hooks off that summer fun set!Copy !req
73. Look! Achy Breaky Stacy
for $1.99!Copy !req
74. Live From the Improv
Stacy's only 89 cents.Copy !req
75. Ew!Copy !req
76. Hey, mister.
What's in the box?Copy !req
77. Um, it's the, new
talking Malibu Stacy.Copy !req
78. Get him!Copy !req
79. Help! Mr. Weiss!Copy !req
80. I don't know if it's a good idea
to do that while you're driving.Copy !req
81. Marge, that's what
I bought it for.Copy !req
82. - Hey! Watch it with that thing!
- My skull is eggshell-thin.Copy !req
83. Cool.Copy !req
84. - Thanks for buyin' us these toys, Grampa.
- Bah!Copy !req
85. Why didn't you get something
useful, like storm windows?Copy !req
86. Or a nice pipe organ?Copy !req
87. I'm thirsty.Copy !req
88. Ooh, what smells like mustard?Copy !req
89. There sure are a lot of
ugly people in your neighborhood.Copy !req
90. Ooh! Look at that one!Copy !req
91. My glaucoma just got worse.Copy !req
92. The president is a demi-crat!Copy !req
93. Hello? I can't unbuckle
my seat belt.Copy !req
94. Hello!Copy !req
95. There are too many leaves
in your walkway.Copy !req
96. Why are you people avoiding me?Copy !req
97. Does my withered face remind you
of the grim specter of death?Copy !req
98. Yes, but there's more.
Dad, I love you.Copy !req
99. But... you're a weird, sore-headed
old crank, and nobody likes you!Copy !req
100. Consarn it!Copy !req
101. I guess I am an old crank.Copy !req
102. But what am I gonna do about it?Copy !req
103. One sip and I'm totally hip!Copy !req
104. Buzz cola.
There's a little boogie in every bottle.Copy !req
105. Holy smokes! That's it!Copy !req
106. From now on, I'm thinkin',
actin' and lookin' young.Copy !req
107. And I'm gonna start
with a bottle of Buzz cola.Copy !req
108. The bubbles are burning my tongue!Copy !req
109. Ooh. Water!
Water!Copy !req
110. A hush falls over
the general assemblyCopy !req
111. as Stacy approaches the podiumCopy !req
112. to deliver what will no doubt be
a stirring and memorable address.Copy !req
113. I wish they taught
shopping in school!Copy !req
114. Let's bake some cookies
for the boys!Copy !req
115. Come on, Stacy. I've waited
my whole life to hear you speak.Copy !req
116. Don't you have anything
relevant to say?Copy !req
117. - Don't ask me.
- I'm just a girl!Copy !req
118. - Right on! Say it, sister.
- It's not funny, Bart.Copy !req
119. Millions of girls will grow up thinking
that this is the right way to act.Copy !req
120. That they can never be anything
more than vacuous ninniesCopy !req
121. whose only goal is to look
pretty, land a rich husband,Copy !req
122. and spend all day
on the phone with theirCopy !req
123. equally vacuous friends...Copy !req
124. talking about how damn
terrific it isCopy !req
125. to look pretty
and have a rich husband!Copy !req
126. Just what I was gonna say.Copy !req
127. Look at me!
I'm acting young!Copy !req
128. Hey. This ain't so bad.Copy !req
129. Let's buy makeup,
so the boys will like us!Copy !req
130. Don't you people see anything
wrong with what Malibu Stacy says?Copy !req
131. There's something wrong
with what my Stacy says.Copy !req
132. My Spidey sense is tingling.
Anybody call for a web-slinger?Copy !req
133. No, Celeste. I mean, the things
she says are sexist.Copy !req
134. Lisa said a dirty word!Copy !req
135. They cannot keep making
dolls like this.Copy !req
136. Something has to be done!Copy !req
137. Lisa, ordinarily I'd sayCopy !req
138. you should stand up
for what you believe in.Copy !req
139. But you've been doing that
an awful lot lately.Copy !req
140. Yeah. You made us march
in that gay rights parade.Copy !req
141. And we can't watch Fox,
'cause they ownCopy !req
142. those chemical
weapon plants in Syria.Copy !req
143. I can't believe you're just
gonna stand byCopy !req
144. as your daughters grow up
in a world where this...Copy !req
145. This is their role model.Copy !req
146. I had a Malibu Stacy when I was little,
and I turned out all right.Copy !req
147. Now, let's forget our troubles with
a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.Copy !req
148. Now let's forget our troubles with
a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!Copy !req
149. That's it!
I'm callin' the company.Copy !req
150. Hello, you have
reached the Malibu StacyCopy !req
151. customer service center.Copy !req
152. If you have a complaint aboutCopy !req
153. Malibu Stacy's appearance
or odor, press one.Copy !req
154. If you've given
Malibu Stacy a haircutCopy !req
155. and need to order
a replacement head, press two.Copy !req
156. For information on our
factory tour, press three.Copy !req
157. Mom! We could go on
the factory tour,Copy !req
158. and I could complain in person.Copy !req
159. Honey, you're not going to throw
red paint at the executives, are you?Copy !req
160. The Keebler people
were very upset.Copy !req
161. Welcome to Enchantment Lane,Copy !req
162. where all the
parts come together,Copy !req
163. and Malibu Stacy is born!Copy !req
164. Some folks say
there's a little touchCopy !req
165. of fairy dust in the air.Copy !req
166. Aw, crap. There's a clog
in the torso chute!Copy !req
167. Leroy!
Get your ass in gear.Copy !req
168. Shut your hole.Copy !req
169. Malibu Stacy, America's favoriteCopy !req
170. eight-and-a-half-incher.Copy !req
171. In 1959, homemaker Stacy Lavelle
had a design and a dream.Copy !req
172. The design? Malibu Stacy.Copy !req
173. The dream?Copy !req
174. To mass-market a fashion doll
that was also edible.Copy !req
175. Kids didn't much like
the taste of dried onion meal,Copy !req
176. but they loved the doll.Copy !req
177. A second, plastic Malibu Stacy
took America by storm.Copy !req
178. Just ask the owner of the world's
largest Malibu Stacy collection:Copy !req
179. Waylon Smithers of Springfield.Copy !req
180. Hello, Malibu Stacy collectors.
I'll see youCopy !req
181. At Stacycon '94, at
the San Diego Airport Hilton.Copy !req
182. And what does Stacy
think of her 35 years of success...Copy !req
183. And millions of friends
worldwide?Copy !req
184. - Don't ask me.
- I'm just a girl!Copy !req
185. She sure is.Copy !req
186. Well, that's the tour.Copy !req
187. If you have any questions,
I'd be happy to answer...Copy !req
188. - I have one.
- Yes?Copy !req
189. Is the remarkably sexist drivel
spouted by Malibu StacyCopy !req
190. intentional, or is it
just a horrible mistake?Copy !req
191. Believe me, we're very
mindful of such concerns.Copy !req
192. Hey, Jiggles! Grab a pad
and back that gorgeous butt in here.Copy !req
193. You. Get away!Copy !req
194. Don't act like
you don't like it.Copy !req
195. It's awful bein' a kid.
No one listens to ya.Copy !req
196. It's rotten bein' old.
No one listens to ya!Copy !req
197. I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49.Copy !req
198. Everyone listens to me,Copy !req
199. no matter how dumb
my suggestions are.Copy !req
200. But I'm not gonna accomplish
anything just sitting here...Copy !req
201. - And gripin', it's time for...
- Action!Copy !req
202. I've got to talk to that woman
who invented Malibu StacyCopy !req
203. - and see if I can get her to...
- Come out of retirement!Copy !req
204. I'm gonna get me a job!
A real Malibu...Copy !req
205. And see if Stacy can helpCopy !req
206. invent me young.Copy !req
207. Help!Copy !req
208. - You're getting a job!
- Yes! I'm going where the action is!Copy !req
209. Come in? Come in!Copy !req
210. Mayday! I'm losing
your transmission!Copy !req
211. I said, "French fries!"Copy !req
212. What the...Copy !req
213. Do we sell French fries?Copy !req
214. Yes? I...Copy !req
215. Why, it's Homer Simpson's
daughter.Copy !req
216. I thought you might be able to help meCopy !req
217. get in touch with the inventor
of Malibu Stacy.Copy !req
218. That would be quite a feat.Copy !req
219. Stacy Lavelle is
a total recluse.Copy !req
220. She hasn't appeared
in public in 20 years.Copy !req
221. Here, I'm writing an article on her
for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter.Copy !req
222. It contains her last
known whereabouts.Copy !req
223. - I'll, print you out a copy.
- Thanks.Copy !req
224. Hello, Smithers.Copy !req
225. You're quite good...
at turning... me on.Copy !req
226. Um, you probably
should ignore that.Copy !req
227. No, it couldn't be!Copy !req
228. Excuse me. Miss Lavelle?Copy !req
229. I'd like to talk to you
about Malibu Stacy?Copy !req
230. Do you have any idea how many kids
have tried to track me down?Copy !req
231. - Am I the first?
- Yes.Copy !req
232. I want you to hear what Malibu Stacy
is telling a generation of little girls.Copy !req
233. Thinking too much
gives you wrinkles.Copy !req
234. All right! I've been waitin'
nine years to get my frisbee back.Copy !req
235. My name is Stacy.
But you can call me...Copy !req
236. I see exactly what you mean.
This is a problem.Copy !req
237. But what do you expect me to do?Copy !req
238. Change what she says.
It's your company.Copy !req
239. Not since
I was forced out in 1974.Copy !req
240. They said my way of thinking
just wasn't cost-effective.Copy !req
241. - That's awful!
- Well, that, and...Copy !req
242. I was funneling profits
to the Vietcong.Copy !req
243. But you are Malibu Stacy.Copy !req
244. And as long as she has your name,
you have a responsibility!Copy !req
245. I'd be mortified if someone
ever made a lousy productCopy !req
246. with the Simpson name on it.Copy !req
247. I may have had things in common
with Stacy in the beginning,Copy !req
248. but 30 years of living her lifestyle
taught me some very harsh lessons.Copy !req
249. Five husbands:
Ken, Johnny, Joe,Copy !req
250. Dr. Colossus, Steve Austin.Copy !req
251. But if you can learn from Malibu Stacy's
mistakes, so can everyone.Copy !req
252. I'm sure we can
think of something together.Copy !req
253. - Come on!
- Not now. I'm too drunk.Copy !req
254. No, you're not!Copy !req
255. I'll come back tomorrow.Copy !req
256. We need some more secret sauce!
Put this mayonnaise in the sun.Copy !req
257. Hey! Now that old man Peterson's
off our backs, let's have some fun!Copy !req
258. Ever see a sandwich
that could take a bite outta you?Copy !req
259. Look at the sandwich!Copy !req
260. It's gonna bite you!Copy !req
261. Damn sandwich
took a bite out of me!Copy !req
262. I've got the solution.Copy !req
263. You and I are gonna make
our own talking doll.Copy !req
264. She'll have the wisdom
of Gertrude SteinCopy !req
265. and the wit of Cathy Guisewite.Copy !req
266. The tenacity of Nina TotenbergCopy !req
267. and the common sense
of Elizabeth Cady Stanton.Copy !req
268. And to top it off, the down-to-earth good
looks of Eleanor Roosevelt.Copy !req
269. All right.Copy !req
270. We'll make your doll!Copy !req
271. Stacy, please.
I must have you back.Copy !req
272. Just come for a ride with me
in my mobile command unit.Copy !req
273. Joe, I told you.
It's over.Copy !req
274. Release me from
your kung fu grip.Copy !req
275. Fine.Copy !req
276. I'll bomb your house
into the ground, missy!Copy !req
277. Make sure you get
my mom's hair just right!Copy !req
278. Um, I think we'll use someone
different for the hair.Copy !req
279. How about me?Copy !req
280. There's something not quite...Copy !req
281. How 'bout me?Copy !req
282. - How 'bout me?
- You all have hideous hair!Copy !req
283. I mean, from a design
point of view.Copy !req
284. - Well, if you put it that way.
- Well.Copy !req
285. Talking doll, take eight.Copy !req
286. "When I get married,
I'm keeping my own name."Copy !req
287. You know,
that should probably be,Copy !req
288. "if I choose to get married."Copy !req
289. Look, little girl, we got other
talking dollies to record today.Copy !req
290. All right, you poindexters.
Let's get this right.Copy !req
291. "Hey, hey, kids,
I'm talkin' Krusty."Copy !req
292. "Hey, hey! Here
comes Sideshow Mel."Copy !req
293. Again. "Here comes Sideshow Mel.
Sideshow Mel."Copy !req
294. Three.Copy !req
295. Bada-bing, bada-boom. I'm done.
Learn from a professional, kid.Copy !req
296. Okay, Krusty. We are ready
to roll any... What the...Copy !req
297. Trust in yourself
and you can achieve anything.Copy !req
298. All right!
Now all we need is a name.Copy !req
299. How 'bout "Blabbermouth,
the Jerky Doll for Jerks"?Copy !req
300. How 'bout Minerva, after
the Roman goddess of wisdom?Copy !req
301. Not enough commercial appeal.Copy !req
302. "Wendy Windbag"?
"Ugly Doris"?Copy !req
303. "Hortense, the mule-faced doll"?Copy !req
304. I think we should
name her after Lisa.Copy !req
305. We'll call her
"Lisa Lionheart."Copy !req
306. No, "Loudmouth Lisa!"
"Stupid Lisa Garbage Face!"Copy !req
307. I can't stand this any longer.
Somebody please pay attention to me!Copy !req
308. Hello! Pay attention to me.
Look at me!Copy !req
309. I'm Bart, I'm Bart. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.Copy !req
310. This is great! They're
really gonna sell our doll!Copy !req
311. Well, it wasn't difficult. I just told
them who I was and who you were.Copy !req
312. - They couldn't resist.
- Really?Copy !req
313. Well, I didn't tell them
who you were.Copy !req
314. Gentlemen, we've got to sink this
Lisa Lionheart doll and fast.Copy !req
315. It's time to call in a favor
from Washington.Copy !req
316. Yes. Yes, I understand.
I'll take care of it personally.Copy !req
317. - Dad, did you hear something?
- I don't know.Copy !req
318. Dad?Copy !req
319. My new doll's much better
than Malibu Stacy.Copy !req
320. Do a newscast about her.Copy !req
321. Please, honey.Copy !req
322. Daddy's job is to bring
people important news.Copy !req
323. Right now,
I'm very busy preparingCopy !req
324. a report about the 40th
anniversary of Beetle Bailey.Copy !req
325. Daddy, that is boring.Copy !req
326. Talk about the dolly!Copy !req
327. Well, you were right
about the Berlin Wall.Copy !req
328. Though it was unusual to spend
28 minutes reporting on a doll,Copy !req
329. this reporter found it
impossible to stop talking.Copy !req
330. It's just really
fascinating news, folks.Copy !req
331. Good night.Copy !req
332. And the president
was arrested for murder.Copy !req
333. More on that tomorrow night.Copy !req
334. Or you can turn
to another channel.Copy !req
335. Do not turn to another channel.Copy !req
336. Our one effort to put a stop to this
Lisa Lionheart thing has failed miserably.Copy !req
337. Gentlemen, we have to reinvent
Malibu Stacy for the '90s.Copy !req
338. We'll stay here all night,
if need be.Copy !req
339. Can we order Chinese food?Copy !req
340. Yes.Copy !req
341. You know a good place?Copy !req
342. I cut my tongue
on these pancakes.Copy !req
343. These eggs are difficult
to digest.Copy !req
344. I want soft-boiled eggs.Copy !req
345. I told you... We don't
have soft-boiled eggs!Copy !req
346. If you a...Copy !req
347. By gum, you're right.
We should have them.Copy !req
348. I shouldn't be listenin'
to complaints.Copy !req
349. I should be makin' 'em
with you guys.Copy !req
350. The good Lord lets us
grow old for a reason.Copy !req
351. To gain the wisdom to find
fault with everything He's made!Copy !req
352. Mr. Peterson, you can take
this job and... fill it.Copy !req
353. And one more thing.
I never once washed my hands.Copy !req
354. That's your policy, not mine.Copy !req
355. You whippersnapper!Copy !req
356. You show him, Abe! Quit!Copy !req
357. My back.Copy !req
358. I want it. I want it.
I want it. I want it!Copy !req
359. Me, me, me, me, me!Copy !req
360. I want it. I want it.
I want it!Copy !req
361. Look! It's Lisa Lionheart!Copy !req
362. Keep running.
We're almost there.Copy !req
363. They changed Malibu Stacy!Copy !req
364. She is better than ever.Copy !req
365. Wait! Don't be fooled.Copy !req
366. She's just a regular Malibu Stacy
with a stupid, cheap hat.Copy !req
367. She still embodies all the awful
stereotypes she did before.Copy !req
368. But she's got a new hat.Copy !req
369. I want it. I want it. I want it.Copy !req
370. Well, I guess you
can't beat big business.Copy !req
371. There's just no room
for the little guy.Copy !req
372. Trust in yourself
and you can achieve anything.Copy !req
373. You know, if we get through
to just that one little girl,Copy !req
374. it'll all be worth it.Copy !req
375. Yes. Particularly if that
little girl happens to payCopy !req
376. $46,000 for that doll.Copy !req
377. - What?
- Nothing. Kudos to you, Lisa.Copy !req
378. Kudos.Copy !req
379. Marge? Lisa? Lady?Copy !req
380. If you'll excuse me, I've got
something very important to attend to.Copy !req
381. Whoo!Copy !req
382. Shh!Copy !req
383. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.Copy !req