1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. Principal Skinner,
"The Happiest Place on Earth'...Copy !req
3. is a registered
Disneyland copyright.Copy !req
4. Well, gentlemen, it's just
a small school carnival.Copy !req
5. And it's heading for
a great big lawsuit.Copy !req
6. You made a big mistake, Skinner.Copy !req
7. Well, so did you.Copy !req
8. You got an ex-Green Beret mad.Copy !req
9. Copyright expired.Copy !req
10. And... begin!Copy !req
11. This sucks.Copy !req
12. - Aah!
- Ha-ha!Copy !req
13. Pick the red, get ahead.
Pick the black, set you back.Copy !req
14. Hmm. I don't recall
authorizing this booth.Copy !req
15. Good-bye, gentlemen.Copy !req
16. Get your haggis right here!Copy !req
17. Chopped heart and lungs...Copy !req
18. boiled in a wee sheep's stomach!Copy !req
19. Tastes as good as it sounds!Copy !req
20. Good for what ails ya!Copy !req
21. I'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds.Copy !req
22. - Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239.
- Hmm.Copy !req
23. Hey, Otto-man,
I dare you to make this go faster.Copy !req
24. Ooh! Challenge accepted!Copy !req
25. - I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over.Copy !req
26. Oh, boy!
A "spookhouse"!Copy !req
27. Hand over all your money.Copy !req
28. - Was it scary?Copy !req
29. - Uh-huh.
- Ooh, baby.Copy !req
30. Uh-oh.Copy !req
31. - So, girlie, you like roller-skating?
- No.Copy !req
32. Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating.Copy !req
33. Okay, you can turn around now.Copy !req
34. Oh, my God!
I'm ugly!Copy !req
35. Now, in a moment,
we'll be raffling of four grand prize—Copy !req
36. a ride on the famous
Duff Beer blimp!Copy !req
37. A ride on the Duff blimp.Copy !req
38. You see the circular pattern
on those fields?Copy !req
39. - That's from central-pivot irrigation.
- Wow.Copy !req
40. Now let's see what's happening
at the Super Bowl.Copy !req
41. Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!Copy !req
42. - Oops. Sorry.Copy !req
43. Homer! Homer! Homer!Copy !req
44. Homer! Homer! Homer!Copy !req
45. But first,
our second-prize winner...Copy !req
46. and the recipient of
this handsome shoe buffer—Copy !req
47. Ned Flanders!Copy !req
48. Ah!Copy !req
49. - Go, Ned!
- Oh, it's no fair.Copy !req
50. - We'll never have a buffer.
- We have one at home.Copy !req
51. - You never use it.
- Well, I want that one.Copy !req
52. And the winner of the blimp ride is...Copy !req
53. Homer Simpson!Copy !req
54. Oh, my God!Copy !req
55. Honey, what's wrong?Copy !req
56. Dad, do you think I'm ugly?Copy !req
57. What are you talking about?Copy !req
58. Oh, Lisa, this isn't real.Copy !req
59. It's just how you might look
If you were a cartoon character.Copy !req
60. - I'm an ugmo.
- Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.Copy !req
61. Fathers have to say that stuff.Copy !req
62. Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?Copy !req
63. - No! You're homely as a mule's butt!
- There. See?Copy !req
64. I'd like to be alone, please.Copy !req
65. Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?Copy !req
66. - Mmm, no.
- How about you, Barney?Copy !req
67. Not for a second.Copy !req
68. Yeah.
I need help.Copy !req
69. Whee! Whee!Copy !req
70. Whee! Whee!Copy !req
71. Whee!Copy !req
72. I guess every father thinks
his daughter is the cutest.Copy !req
73. Well, now there's a way to prove it.Copy !req
74. Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes,
jack Larson!Copy !req
75. This year, Laramie is sponsoring...Copy !req
76. the Little Miss Springfield Pageant.Copy !req
77. You see, government regulations
prohibit us from advertising on TV.Copy !req
78. Ahh.Copy !req
79. That sweet Carolina smoke.Copy !req
80. But they can't prohibit us
from holding a beauty pageant...Copy !req
81. for little girls age seven to nine.Copy !req
82. Lisa's age seven to nine!Copy !req
83. Your daughter could be crowned
Little Miss Springfield by our host...Copy !req
84. the maitre d' of glee,
Krusty the Clown!Copy !req
85. I heartily endorse
this event or product.Copy !req
86. What a feeling!
I'm as happy as a smoker...Copy !req
87. taking that first puff
in the morning.Copy !req
88. - That could be Lisa!
- The Little Miss Springfield Pageant.Copy !req
89. Only $250 to enter.Copy !req
90. Oh!Copy !req
91. Hey, Barney, will you give me
250 bucks for this blimp ticket?Copy !req
92. Sure!Copy !req
93. Where'd you get all the money?Copy !req
94. From some scientist.Copy !req
95. Since they stopped testing on animals...Copy !req
96. a guy like me can really clean up.Copy !req
97. I'm hideous.Copy !req
98. Lisa, I know a song
that will cheer you up.Copy !req
99. - So you think I'm ugly?
- No!Copy !req
100. No, I meant you were one
Of the good-looking ducks...Copy !req
101. that makes fun of the ugly one.Copy !req
102. Lisa, if you could have
one wish, what would it be?Copy !req
103. To shut myself off from the world
and never be seen by human eyes again.Copy !req
104. Was your second wish to be entered
in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant?Copy !req
105. - What are you talking about?
- I sent in an application for you.Copy !req
106. I couldn't find a big enough photo,
so I sent in...Copy !req
107. that funny drawing of you
on roller skates.Copy !req
108. How could you?
I won't do it!Copy !req
109. Homer, Lisa's already
sensitive about her looks.Copy !req
110. - This is the last thing she needs.
- But I think she'll win.Copy !req
111. Dad, have you seen the girls they have
in those contests?Copy !req
112. Hubba, hubba!Copy !req
113. Hey, nobody's prettier
than my little girl.Copy !req
114. You're looking at her
through a father's eyes.Copy !req
115. Well, if I could gouge out
somebody else's eyes...Copy !req
116. and shove them into my sockets,
I would.Copy !req
117. - But to me, she's beautiful.
- That is so sweet.Copy !req
118. Honey, no one's going
to force you to do anything.Copy !req
119. But do you know how your father got
the money to enter you in this pageant?Copy !req
120. - Nope.
- He sold his ride on the Duff blimp.Copy !req
121. But that ride meant everything to him!Copy !req
122. I'll do it.Copy !req
123. - Did you see Tina Epstein?
- Whoa!Copy !req
124. If you're gonna binge,
you'd better purge. Uh-oh.Copy !req
125. - Amber Dempsey.
- In the same week...Copy !req
126. she was Pork Princess
and Little Miss Kosher.Copy !req
127. - She's beautiful.
- Wait.Copy !req
128. She's about to bring out
the big guns.Copy !req
129. - Eyelash implants.
- I thought those were illegal.Copy !req
130. Not in Paraguay.Copy !req
131. There's no way I can beat this girl.Copy !req
132. She's the Jack Nicklaus
Of the pageant circuit.Copy !req
133. Oh, I don't know that
she's as attractive as Jack Nicklaus.Copy !req
134. I meant because they both win
all the time, Mom.Copy !req
135. Oh. Well, yes.
That's what I meant too.Copy !req
136. Well, tell you what.
This afternoon...Copy !req
137. I'll take you to the beauty parlor
and show you just how lovely you can be.Copy !req
138. And later, I'll teach you
the tricks of the trade—Copy !req
139. taping your swimsuit to your butt...Copy !req
140. petroleum jelly on your teeth
for that frictionless smile...Copy !req
141. and the ancient art of padding.Copy !req
142. - Are we done?
- We are just warming up.Copy !req
143. Oh, isn't this dangerous?Copy !req
144. Don't worry.
I am well protected.Copy !req
145. Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you
to make a big fuss over how she looks.Copy !req
146. She'll see through me
like Grandma's underpants.Copy !req
147. No, she won't.
When it comes to compliments...Copy !req
148. women are ravenous,
bloodsucking monsters...Copy !req
149. always wanting more, more, more!Copy !req
150. And if you give it to 'em,
you'll get plenty back in return.Copy !req
151. - Like what?
- I'll tell you when you're older.Copy !req
152. Is that Lisa?Copy !req
153. Ooh, I gotta call heaven.
There's an angel missing.Copy !req
154. And who's your little school friend?Copy !req
155. Wait a minute.
That's Mom!Copy !req
156. - Oh, my goodness! How gallant!
- Isn't that nice? Thank you.Copy !req
157. I know two fellas who are gonna get
a special dinner tonight.Copy !req
158. - Hey, hey!
- Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
159. - Dad, you know anything else about women?
- Nope, that's it.Copy !req
160. Hey, brush-head, you've been
nursing that thing for an hour.Copy !req
161. You know, I was just wondering how
someone who works at an ice cream store...Copy !req
162. keeps such a trim figure.Copy !req
163. I've misjudged you.Copy !req
164. I said step, pause, turn,
pause, pivot, step, step...Copy !req
165. not step, pause, turn,
pause, pivot, step, pause!Copy !req
166. Ooh! Shudder!Copy !req
167. And the winner is... Lisa Simpson!Copy !req
168. - Okay, wipe away a tear.Copy !req
169. Hug the loser.Copy !req
170. And now, for your triumphant
walk down the runway.Copy !req
171. Whoa! Ooh! Aah!Copy !req
172. It's hopeless!Copy !req
173. There's nothin' to it.
Give me those heels.Copy !req
174. Heel, toe, heel, toe,
heel, toe. Hmm.Copy !req
175. Do you really think I can win?Copy !req
176. Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.Copy !req
177. But those other girls
are prettier than me.Copy !req
178. Lise, as your brother...Copy !req
179. this is the hardest thing
I've every had to say.Copy !req
180. - You're not ugly.
- Oh, Bart!Copy !req
181. Out on our own! Making it work!Copy !req
182. Gasping for air!
Having it all!Copy !req
183. My name is Amber Dempsey, and when
I grow up I want to be a sweetie pie.Copy !req
184. I am Pahasatira Nahasapeemapetilon...Copy !req
185. and tonight I will be playing
"Mac Arthur Park" on the tabla.Copy !req
186. No, I am serious.Copy !req
187. Yes! Judges, there's your queen.Copy !req
188. - Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart?Copy !req
189. My name is Lisa Simpson, and
I want to be Little Miss Springfield...Copy !req
190. so I can make our town a better place!Copy !req
191. Yeah! Clean up this stink-hole!Copy !req
192. Krusty!
About time you got here.Copy !req
193. Yeah, yeah. What is this—
the, uh, Republican fund-raiser?Copy !req
194. Checking it out!
Hitting the heights!Copy !req
195. Making a wish!
Dreaming a dream!Copy !req
196. - Me!Copy !req
197. Oh, that brisket's not sittin' right.Copy !req
198. Oh, that just kept goin', huh?Copy !req
199. And now here's... Lisa Simpson!Copy !req
200. They'll love you
just as much as I do.Copy !req
201. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
202. Mmm.Copy !req
203. Some people say that
to love your country is old-fashioned...Copy !req
204. uncool, real melvin.Copy !req
205. Well, to them I say—Copy !req
206. One, two, three, four!Copy !req
207. This is my favorite part
Of the pageant, because—Copy !req
208. What does that say? Oh.Copy !req
209. It gives me a chance
to visit with the girls personality.Copy !req
210. Uh, personally.Copy !req
211. Amber, do you think
the Bill of Rights...Copy !req
212. is a good thing or a bad thing?Copy !req
213. - Um—
- Take your time, dear.Copy !req
214. Good thing.Copy !req
215. And now it's time
to name our runner-up...Copy !req
216. who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties—Copy !req
217. And don't say it'll never happen...Copy !req
218. because we all remember that thing
with what's-her-name.Copy !req
219. Click, click.
You know.Copy !req
220. Okay, the runner-up is...Copy !req
221. - Lisa Simpson!Copy !req
222. Which means Amber Dempsey
is the new Little Miss Springfield!Copy !req
223. Coming up next,
a new fad that's sweeping the nation—Copy !req
224. wasting food.Copy !req
225. But first, let's join the new
Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey...Copy !req
226. as she helps open
the Danish super-chain "Shop."Copy !req
227. Scott, everyone is here...Copy !req
228. from the mayor's illegitimate son
to our own Duff blimp.Copy !req
229. - Hi. Can I drive?
- Well, I can't see the harm.Copy !req
230. Oh, the humanity!
Anyway...Copy !req
231. to turn on the store's "severe tire damage"
spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.Copy !req
232. Oh, dear. It would be a shame
If that pretty dress got wet.Copy !req
233. I'd say the greater danger is
her scepter acting as a lightning rod.Copy !req
234. Unless it's made out of plastic.Copy !req
235. - Nope. Metal.Copy !req
236. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield
has been struck by lightning.Copy !req
237. Doctor, what is Amber's condition?Copy !req
238. Oh, she'll be fine.
In fact...Copy !req
239. she's already won the
Little Miss Intensive Care Pageant.Copy !req
240. Congratulations, Lisa.
You're the new Little Miss Springfield.Copy !req
241. Here's your scepter.
Oop!Copy !req
242. just kidding.Copy !req
243. Here you go.
Oop!Copy !req
244. just kidding.Copy !req
245. I deserved that.Copy !req
246. That doesn't look like her body.Copy !req
247. The torso used to be Dr. Ruth.Copy !req
248. Her head is on a pike
in the Chamber of Horrors.Copy !req
249. - Hi, fellas.Copy !req
250. Love that "chewing gum" walk.Copy !req
251. Very Wrigley.Copy !req
252. As Little Miss Springfield, it's my
pleasure to welcome you to America...Copy !req
253. the land of opportunity.Copy !req
254. Actually, they're being deported.Copy !req
255. And now,
let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome...Copy !req
256. to Mr. Bob Hope!Copy !req
257. - What's the mayor's name?
- Quimby.Copy !req
258. Beautiful.Copy !req
259. Hello, this is Bob "What the hell
am I doing in Springfield" Hope.Copy !req
260. He's some golfer! His golfball spends
more time underwater than Greg Louganis.Copy !req
261. And now, I wanna show you what
you're fighting for, if there was a war on.Copy !req
262. Little Miss Springfield.Copy !req
263. - Isn't she beautiful?
- Little Miss Springfield?Copy !req
264. First, Tony Randall cancels.
Now this.Copy !req
265. - Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey!Copy !req
266. Where do you think you're goin'?
We want Miss Springfield!Copy !req
267. Hey, set me down at that boat show.Copy !req
268. I'm gonna be riding
on a pack of cigarettes?Copy !req
269. Mm-hmm. We think you're
the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies.Copy !req
270. It's part of our new campaign.Copy !req
271. Mmm, classy.Copy !req
272. You see, Lisa, it's been
an unlucky year for Laramie.Copy !req
273. A lot of the people
who smoke our product have been...Copy !req
274. well, dying.Copy !req
275. And we need young smokers
to take their place.Copy !req
276. I don't wanna be a spokesperson
for a cigarette company!Copy !req
277. But you're a role model
To young people.Copy !req
278. And we're thinking of retiring
Menthol Moose.Copy !req
279. Bless you, boys.Copy !req
280. - Homer, those are ice cream men.
- I know.Copy !req
281. - Stop this float!Copy !req
282. - What's the holdup? Go!
- I'm tired of being a corporate shill.Copy !req
283. From now on,
I will speak out...Copy !req
284. against the evils in society...Copy !req
285. from dog-napping to cigarettes.Copy !req
286. Before I sing the national anthem...Copy !req
287. I'd like to say that college football...Copy !req
288. diverts funds badly needed
for education and the arts.Copy !req
289. - Is that true?
- Let's get 'em!Copy !req
290. Let's get out of here!Copy !req
291. Gentlemen, we need
to get Lisa Simpson out...Copy !req
292. and Amber Dempsey back in.Copy !req
293. But this glorified, crossing-guard-of-a-police
Chief won't get off his big fat can.Copy !req
294. Is it okay if I open these potato chips?Copy !req
295. - Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered.Copy !req
296. Take a look at our
Little Miss Springfield's pageant application.Copy !req
297. Roxy, bring in a bottle of champagne.Copy !req
298. Yeah, and some dip
for these chips or somethin'.Copy !req
299. Lisa Simpson is no longer
Little Miss Springfield.Copy !req
300. She was stripped of her crown
in a ceremony earlier today.Copy !req
301. Well, that's obviously
the wrong footage.Copy !req
302. Uh, but it does seem the father of
the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson...Copy !req
303. filled out the pageant
application incorrectly.Copy !req
304. In the area under "Do not write
in this space," he wrote, "Okay."Copy !req
305. If it wasn't for me,
you'd still be queen.Copy !req
306. - You must hate me.
- Dad, do you remember why
you entered me in that pageant?Copy !req
307. - I don't know. Was I drunk?
- Possibly.Copy !req
308. But the point is, you wanted me
to feel better about myself, and I do.Copy !req
309. - Really?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
310. Will you remember this
the next time I wreck your life?Copy !req
311. It's a deal.Copy !req
312. And now, my exclusive interview
with His Holiness, Pope John Paul I.Copy !req
313. That's it.
I cannot work under these conditions.Copy !req
314. If anybody wants me,
I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.Copy !req
315. Call the weekend guy.
I don't care.Copy !req
316. - Shh!Copy !req