1. The Simpsons.
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2. Live from beautiful Laughlin, Nevada.
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3. It's the Miss American
Girl Pageant.
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4. Brought to you by
Meryl Streep's Versatility.
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5. Smell like Streep for cheap.
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6. I'm your host
Troy McClure, and now
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7. here come the ladies.
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8. We learned
the truth at 17.
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9. That love was meant
for beauty queens.
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10. Like Miss South Dakota.
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11. Miss North Carolina.
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12. Miss Indiana.
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13. - Miss Alaska.
- Kids, I won't be home tonight,
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14. so I'm leaving you some low-cal
microwavable TV dinners.
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15. Okay.
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16. I'm auditioning for a play.
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17. It's a musical version
of "A Streetcar Named Desire."
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18. Isn't that exciting?
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19. If you ask me,
they're all winners.
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20. We'll be cutting
our first 40 contestants
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21. right after this.
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22. Let's take
a minute to meet
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23. our distinguished
panel of judges.
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24. Skin care consultant
Rowena.
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25. Syndicated columnist
William F. George.
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26. Token black panelist
Dredrick Tatum
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27. and Mr. Boswell,
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28. the man behind those infamous
worst-dressed lists.
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29. Mr. Boswell,
can you give us
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30. a sneak peek
at this year's list?
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31. Memo to Goldie Hawn:
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32. Cheerleading try-outs
were 30 years ago.
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33. Let's grow up, shall we?
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34. He's such a bitch.
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35. I haven't been in a play
since high school,
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36. and I thought it would be a good chance
to meet some other adults.
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37. Sounds interesting.
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38. You know, I spend all day
alone with Maggie,
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39. and sometimes it's like
I don't even exist.
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40. Sounds interesting.
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41. It's time to name our five
finalists, starting with.
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42. Miss Montana.
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43. A beaut from Butte.
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44. Miss South Carolina.
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45. Nothing could be finer.
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46. Miss Delaware.
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47. Gee, uh...
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48. good for her.
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49. La-la-la-la-la-la.
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50. Marge, keep it down
in there.
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51. Homer, my audition
is in half...
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52. Hey, look, it's last year's
winner, Debra Del Smallwood!
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53. Tonight, my reign
as Miss American Girl
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54. comes to an end,
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55. and I'd like to apologize
one last time
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56. for my unfortunate remarks
at the United Nations.
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57. Maggie, cut that racket!
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58. And where exactly
are you going?
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59. I'm auditioning
for a play.
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60. Well, this is the first
I've heard about it.
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61. I told you
several times.
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62. It's a musical version of
"A Streetcar Named... ".
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63. Excuse me, Marge.
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64. I think that if you
had told me, I would remember.
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65. I mean, I'm not an idiot.
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66. - Well, I thought I told you...
- Kids, back me up.
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67. - He's right, Mom.
- Sorry.
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68. Match point,
Homer.
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69. I'm sorry,
honey.
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70. That's okay.
We're none of us perfect.
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71. Me-may-mow-mo-moo.
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72. Well, howdy do,
neighbor.
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73. Hi, Ned, I didn't know
you were an actor.
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74. Oh, Indeedily doodily.
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75. I've even been
in "Streetcar" once before.
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76. I played Blanche Dubois.
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77. Just part of the fun of
going to an all-male school.
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78. Hello, I am Llewelyn Sinclair.
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79. I have directed three plays
in my career,
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80. and I have had
three heart attacks.
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81. That's how much I care.
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82. I'm planning for a fourth.
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83. Maybe I should have taken
a nice calligraphy class.
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84. Oh, forget about it, that
Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
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85. - Quiet!
- Sorry.
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86. I am not an easy man
to work for.
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87. While directing
"Hats Off to Chanukah,"
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88. I reduced more than one
cast member to tears.
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89. Did I expect too much
from fourth graders?
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90. The review, "Play Enjoyed
By All" speaks for itself.
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91. Those auditioning
for the role of Stanley,
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92. take off
your shirts.
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93. Take off your shirts!
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94. Deshabillez votre chemises.
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95. Schnell, schnell, schnell!
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96. Nope.
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97. Try joining a gym.
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98. Oh, ye Gods!
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99. Hey, man, if you like that,
you should see my butt.
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100. You, you're my Stanley.
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101. Hotdiggity.
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102. How about that, Marge?
Little old Stanley me.
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103. Stella.
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104. Stella! Heh heh heh.
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105. Hey, look me over...
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106. - Next.
- Won't you come home Bill Bai...
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107. Next.
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108. There's got to be a...
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109. - Next.
- Lah...
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110. Thank you for nothing.
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111. You're all terrible.
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112. What you ladies don't
understand is that Blanche
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113. is a delicate flower
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114. being trampled
by an uncouth lout.
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115. Forget it.
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116. Just strike the sets.
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117. Clear the stage.
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118. This production is...
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119. Homie, I didn't get the part.
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120. You were right,
outside interests are stupid.
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121. Wait a minute.
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122. I'll come home right away.
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123. All right, I'll pick up
a bucket of fried chicken
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124. extra skin.
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125. Rolls,
chocolate cream parfait...
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126. Stop bothering my Blanche!
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127. I play an aging
southern beauty
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128. who's driven to insanity
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129. by her brutish
brother-in-law Stanley.
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130. Wow! My mother, the actress.
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131. I feel like
Lucie Arnaz-Luckinbill.
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132. Are there any jive-talking
robots in this play?
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133. Hmm, I don't think so.
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134. Bart, don't ask
stupid questions.
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135. Is there any
frontal nudity?
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136. No, Homer.
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137. My name
is Helen Lovejoy,
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138. and I'll be playing Stella.
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139. I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
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140. I play Steve.
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141. My name is Otto.
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142. I'm playing Pablo.
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143. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.
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144. I'm filing a class-action
suit against the director
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145. on behalf of everyone
who was cut from the play.
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146. I also play Mitch.
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147. I'm Marge Simpson.
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148. I'll be playing Blanche.
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149. I made some peanut butter
brownies for everyone.
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150. Well, would anyone else
like a bite of banality?
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151. I would.
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152. - Stanley...
- Yeah.
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153. You're-you're pulsing
with animal lust.
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154. You take Blanche and you
fling her roughly to the bed.
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155. Roger-dodger.
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156. Aw! Isn't that cute?
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157. Me without a camera.
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158. Here, my sister runs
a day-care center.
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159. Hmm. I guess a few weeks
wouldn't hurt her.
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160. Maggie is allergic
to strained pears
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161. and she likes a bottle of
warm milk before nap time.
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162. A bottle?
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163. Mrs. Simpson, do you know
what a baby's saying
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164. when she reaches
for a bottle?
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165. Ba-ba?
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166. She's saying, "I am a leech."
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167. Our aim here is to develop
the bottle within.
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168. That sounds awfully harsh.
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169. Mrs. Simpson, I don't like
to toot my own horn,
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170. but we're the only
day-care center in town
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171. that's not currently under
investigation by the state.
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172. Well, be a good girl,
Maggie.
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173. I'm sorry, Maggie.
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174. We don't allow these here.
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175. You're a dame,
and I'm a fella.
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176. Stanley, stop,
or I'll tell Stella.
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177. Passion,
Mrs. Simpson!
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178. Anger.
This man disgusts you.
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179. All I want
is one embrace
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180. I'll twist this bottle
in your face.
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181. Here, Marge, let me.
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182. Hate to be
an Armchair Blanche,
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183. but I always
gave it one of these.
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184. There, there's
the old face shredder.
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185. Mrs. Simpson, if you set out
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186. to push the bile
to the tip of my throat,
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187. mission accomplished.
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188. I'm, uh...
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189. I'm gonna crawl into bed
with a bottle of amaretto.
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190. Good day.
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191. Easy, easy.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
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192. Seven-ten split.
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193. Homer, can you run
some lines with me?
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194. Make Bart do it.
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195. It will just take a sec.
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196. Gutter ball.
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197. You see, Marge?
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198. While you're off in
your own little world,
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199. you forgot that other people
have problems too.
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200. Don't like to nap, eh?
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201. We have a place
for babies like you.
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202. The box!
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203. All right, let amateur night
in Dixie commence.
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204. I'm sorry, Llewelyn.
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205. I just... I just don't see
why Blanche should
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206. shove a broken bottle
in Stanley's face.
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207. Couldn't she just
take his abuse
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208. with gentle
good humor?
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209. Marge, your ride's here.
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210. Homer, it will just be
a few minutes more.
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211. You're a dame,
and I'm a fella.
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212. Stanley, stop,
or I'll tell Stella.
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213. Marge, Marge...
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214. I'm asking
for white-hot rage,
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215. and you're giving me
a hissy fit.
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216. Marge, can I get some change
for the candy machine?
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217. Oh, here!
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218. Hey, there's some
quarters in here.
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219. I just don't see what's
so bad about Stanley.
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220. Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud.
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221. Marge, every second
you spend with this man,
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222. he is crushing
your fragile spirit.
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223. You can't let
that happen.
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224. Woo-hoo!
Come to papa.
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225. Marge, I'll be out in the car.
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226. All I want
is one embrace.
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227. Marge, move it or lose it.
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228. I'll twist this bottle in your face.
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229. Alleluia! I have done it again.
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230. Ned, you're supposed
to overpower her.
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231. I'm trying, I'm trying.
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232. Salt me.
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233. Here you are, Homer.
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234. What the...
Why are you talking like that?
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235. The play's tomorrow night.
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236. I've got to stay
in character.
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237. Hey Mom, would it help
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238. - if I talked like this too?
- It might.
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239. And I'll talk like this.
Bob's your uncle, mate.
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240. That really
doesn't help, Bart.
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241. Big Daddy, would y'all mind
passing a little ol' biscuit?
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242. Can I slog off school
tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver.
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243. I'm living in a cuckoo clock.
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244. See ya' later kids.
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245. I've got to go rehearse
with Ned.
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246. But Marge,
What about dessert?
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247. For God sakes, you can pull
the lid off your own can of pudding!
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248. Fine! I will!
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249. Oh, no, my pudding
is trapped forever.
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250. So I can open my own
can of pudding, can I?
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251. Shows what you know, Marge.
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252. Marge!
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253. Hey, Marge!
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254. Keep yelling, you big ape.
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255. Aren't you being
a little hard on old Homie?
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256. Oh, forget about him.
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257. Let's rehearse
the bottle scene.
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258. Oh-ho, let's not
and say we did, hmm?
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259. So, what time
does this play start?
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260. Why, are you going?
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261. Well, I got to go, don't I?
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262. I'm sure you
won't enjoy it.
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263. There's nothing about
bowling in the play.
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264. Oh, wait, there is.
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265. Probably not much of it.
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266. Why can't you be a
little more supportive?
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267. 'Cause I don't care, okay?
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268. I can't fake an
interest in this,
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269. and I'm an expert
at faking an interest
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270. in your kooky projects.
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271. What kooky projects?
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272. You know, the painting class,
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273. the first aid course,
the whole Lamaze thing.
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274. Why didn't you tell me
you felt this way?
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275. You know I would never do
anything to hurt your feelings.
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276. Good night.
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277. Playing nicely, little humans?
Good, good.
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278. Hello, Maggie.
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279. Poor little dullard.
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280. Hey, kids!
I'm flame-retardant.
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281. If I break, buy a new one.
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282. Maggie, time to go to the...
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283. Oh... babies.
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284. Perhaps we are all
a little mad,
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285. we who don the cap and bells,
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286. and tread beneath
the proscenium arch.
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287. But tonight,
you will all be transformed
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288. from dead-eyed suburbanites
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289. into white-hot grease fires
of pure entertainment!
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290. Except you.
You're not working out.
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291. I'll be playing
your part.
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292. Drag!
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293. Long before the Superdome.
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294. Where the Saints
of football play.
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295. Lived a city that
the damned call home.
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296. Hear their
hellish roundelay.
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297. New Orleans.
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298. Home of pirates,
drunks, and whores.
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299. New Orleans.
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300. Tacky, overpriced
souvenir stores.
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301. If you want to go to hell,
you should take a trip.
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302. To the Sodom and Gomorrah
on the Mississip.
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303. New Orleans.
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304. Stinking, rotten, vomity,
vile, New Orleans.
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305. Putrid, brackish,
maggoty, foul.
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306. New Orleans.
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307. Crummy, lousy,
wretched and rank.
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308. New Orleans.
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309. What's the matter, honey? Are ya' lost?
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310. I'm looking for my sister, Stella.
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311. It's Mom!
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312. My name is Blanche Dubois.
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313. I thought my life would
be a Mardi Gras.
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314. A never-ending party.
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315. I'm a faded Southern dame
without a dime.
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316. I'm collecting
for The Evening Star.
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317. Come here.
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318. I want to kiss you
just once,
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319. softly and sweetly
on your mouth.
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320. I am just
a simple paper boy.
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321. No romance do I seek
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322. I just wanted 40 cents.
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323. For my deliveries
last week.
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324. Will this
bewitching floozy.
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325. Seduce this
humble newsy.
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326. Oh, what's
a paper boy to.
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327. Do?
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328. Whoo-hoo!
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329. Stella!
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330. Stella!
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331. Can't you hear me yell-a.
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332. You're puttin' me
through hell-a.
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333. Stella.
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334. Stella!
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335. Cool, she can fly.
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336. I think it's supposed to
symbolize her descent into madness.
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337. Whoever you are,
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338. I have always depended
on the kindness of strangers.
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339. You can always depend
on the kindness of strangers.
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340. To buck up your spirits
and shield you from dangers.
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341. Now, here's a tip from
Blanche you won't regret.
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342. A stranger's just a friend
you haven't met.
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343. You haven't met.
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344. Streetcar!
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345. Yay!
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346. Yay!
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347. Mwah! Mwah!
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348. You people out there,
you are the stars!
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349. Cool!
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350. Hey, look at me!
I'm Blanche Dubois.
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351. Mom!
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352. Way to go, Mom.
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353. Everybody
was cheering for you.
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354. Almost everybody.
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355. Kids, wait in the car.
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356. I want to talk to your mother
about this play thing.
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357. Looking for a spot
of fun with the Missus, eh Gov'nor?
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358. Shut up, boy.
Marge, you were terrific.
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359. Oh, come on, Homer.
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360. By the end,
you were so bored,
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361. you could barely keep
your selfish head up.
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362. I wasn't bored.
I was sad.
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363. It really got to me
how that lady, uh, um...
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364. You know which one I mean.
You played her.
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365. Blanche.
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366. Yeah, how Blanche was sad,
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367. and how that guy, Stanley,
should have been nice to her.
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368. Yeah, go on.
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369. I mean,
it made me feel bad.
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370. The poor thing ends up
being hauled to the nut house,
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371. when all she needed
was for that big slob
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372. to show her some respect.
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373. At least,
that's what I thought.
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374. I have a history of missing
the point of stuff like this.
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375. No, Homer,
you got it just right.
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376. Hey, you know,
I'm a lot like that guy.
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377. - Really?
- Yeah,
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378. like when I pick my teeth
with the mail and stuff.
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379. Well, maybe just a little.
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