The Simpsons 4x19

Directed by Rich Moore

Brooke Shields as herself (voice) • Brooke Shields as Brooke Shields (voice)

Lisa and Bart write an Itchy and Scratchy episode; Homer makes up a missing high-school credit.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'OH!

2. MMM! DELICIOUS!

3. NOW, KRUSTY, I HEAR IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,

4. SO I GOT YOUR MOTHER'S RECIPE FOR MATZOH BREI.

5. HEY, I DON'T DO THE JEWISH STUFF ON THE AIR.

6. BUT, HERSHEL,

7. IX-NAY ON THE EW-JAY. ROLL THE CARTOON.

8. IT'S SO SAD OF HIS ROOTS.

9. MARGE, IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

10. OHH.

11. WHEN YOU GROW UP?

12. LOIS SANBORN. STEVE BENNETT.

13. OW. HEE-HEE-HEE.

14. OW. HEE-HEE-HEE.

15. OW. HEE-HEE-HEE.

16. LIFELESS OUTING.

17. DON'T WORRY. THEY'RE BUILDING TO SOMETHING.

18. OWW. HEE-HEE-HEE.

19. KIDS, SAY NO TO DRUGS!

20. EHH, I COULD PULL OUT OF MY A—

21. HEY! WHOA! WASN'T THAT GREAT, KIDS?

22. THAT'S AS BAD AS THE TASTELESS "ITCHY AND SAMBO" CARTOONS OF THE LATE '30s.

23. ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES.

24. CARTOONS HAVE WRITERS? EHH, SORT OF.

25. OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU AND I THAN THAT.

26. WRITE A CARTOON OURSELVES?

27. BART, ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

28. PROBABLY NOT.

29. AND COUNT TO 60.

30. HYAH!

31. MERRY CHRISTMAS, SUCKERS!

32. "THIRD NOTICE"?

33. "FINAL NOTICE"?

34. "SOME GUYS ARE COMING"?

35. OH, WHAT'S THIS?

36. OUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

37. GEE, THAT'S ODD. THEY DIDN'T SEND ONE TO YOU.

38. THIS IS IT, HOMER.

39. IT'S TIME TO TELL HER FROM YOUR PAST.

40. MARGE, I ATE YOU BOUGHT FOR THE BATHROOM.

41. OH, MY GOD!

42. NO, THE OTHER SECRET.

43. MARGE, I NEVER GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

44. WELL, THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOU ATE MY SOAP.

45. WAIT. MAYBE IT DOES.

46. REMEDIAL SCIENCE 1-A.

47. AND YOU'RE A NUCLEAR TECHNICIAN?

48. MARGE, IX-NAY ON THE UCLEAR-NAY ECHNICIAN-TAY.

49. - WHAT DID YOU SAY? - I DON'T KNOW. I FLUNKED LATIN TOO.

50. ACCORDING TO THIS BOOK, IS A SETTING.

51. OKAY. SETTING, SETTING, SETTING... SETTING.

52. - HOW ABOUT A BARBERSHOP? - GREAT!

53. IS GETTING A HAIRCUT.

54. THEN ITCHY, THE BARBER,

55. CHOPS SCRATCHY'S HEAD OFF WITH A RAZOR.

56. AH, TOO PREDICTABLE.

57. THE WAY I SEE IT, INSTEAD OF SHAMPOO,

58. ITCHY COVERS SCRATCHY'S HAIR WITH BARBECUE SAUCE,

59. OF FLESH-EATING ANTS,

60. AND THE REST WRITES ITSELF.

61. AH, THIS SHOW AIN'T NO GOOD.

62. FINISHED!

63. IS PUT OUR NAMES ON IT. FINE.

64. PUT MY NAME FIRST. NO WAY!

65. ALL RIGHT, A RACE AROUND THE WORLD.

66. AT NOON TOMORROW.

67. SHALL DROP THE CHECKERED FLAG.

68. LOOK, THERE'S ONLY ONE ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS.

69. POOR, PREDICTABLE BART.

70. ALWAYS TAKES ROCK.

71. GOOD OLD ROCK. NOTHING BEATS THAT.

72. ROCK. PAPER.

73. D'OH!

74. YOU CALL THIS WRITING?

75. MAILED IT TO THE MONKEY HOUSE, I'D GET BETTER SCRIPTS.

76. - BUT, SIR, AT HARVARD— - OH, AT HARVARD THEY TAUGHT YOU? HIT THE STREETS, EGGHEAD!

77. YOU SHOULD'VE MAJORED IN NOT GETTING FIRED.

78. SIR, A LISA AND BART SIMPSON SENT YOU A SCRIPT.

79. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

80. "DEAR MR. MEYERS, WATCH YOUR SHOW.

81. THAT CHILDREN EVERYWHERE—"

82. BLAH-BLAH-BLAH, BLING-BLING-BLING-BLAH.

83. HEY, EGGHEAD! SING "FAIR HARVARD."

84. YOU, SIR, HAVE THE BOORISH MANNERS OF A YALIE!

85. HERE'S A WITTY REJOINDER FOR YA!

86. BART, THEY REJECTED OUR SCRIPT.

87. I GUESS WE'RE JUST NOT CUT OUT TO BE WRITERS.

88. MAYBE HE JUST DOESN'T 'CAUSE WE'RE KIDS.

89. LET'S PUT A GROWN-UP'S NAME ON IT.

90. HOW ABOUT GRAMPA? HE'S PRETTY OUT OF IT.

91. FOR A WHOLE YEAR.

92. WHEN I READ YOUR MAGAZINE,

93. I DON'T SEE ONE WRINKLED FACE...

94. OR A SINGLE TOOTHLESS GRIN.

95. FOR SHAME!

96. AT MODERN BRIDE MAGAZINE.

97. HEY, GRAMPA, YOUR FIRST NAME.

98. YOU'RE MAKING MY TOMBSTONE!

99. NO! WE'RE JUST CURIOUS.

100. ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE. FIRST NAME. FIRST NAME.

101. WELL, WHENEVER I'M CONFUSED I JUST CHECK MY UNDERWEAR.

102. ALL THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.

103. CALL ME...

104. ABRAHAM SIMPSON.

105. GRAMPA, HOW'D YOU WITHOUT TAKING OFF YOUR PANTS?

106. I DON'T KNOW!

107. EHH!

108. HMM.

109. WHAT?

110. SIR, YOU LOCKED MY OFFICE, MY HARVARD MUG.

111. SHUT UP!

112. ROXIE, GET ME ABRAHAM SIMPSON.

113. PHONE CALL, SIMPSON. EHH?

114. THE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY EPISODE?

115. ISHI AND WHAT? OH, YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF CRAZY PERSON.

116. I'M SORRY, BUT WE HAVE FOR A MR. ABRAHAM SIMPSON.

117. THAT'S RIGHT. I DID THE IGGY.

118. AH, MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK.

119. YOU HANDSOME DEVIL.

120. "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING."

121. - NONE. - NONE.

122. NONE."

123. SO MANY MEMORIES.

124. TO THE REUNION.

125. IT'LL BE GREAT TO SEE THE OLD GANG AGAIN— POTSIE, RALPH MALPH, THE FONZ.

126. THAT WAS HAPPY DAYS.

127. NO, THEY WEREN'T ALL HAPPY DAYS.

128. CRASHED HER MOTORCYCLE.

129. TO THOSE CARD SHARKS...

130. HAD TO GET IT BACK.

131. HELLO, PRINCIPAL DONDELINGER.

132. OH, MARGE BOUVIER. IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

133. SORRY, SIR. WE'RE NOT LETTING VAGRANTS SLEEP IN THE GYM TONIGHT.

134. SOME SCRAPS BY THE BACK DOOR.

135. - D'OH! - OH, IT'S YOU, SIMPSON. YECCH.

136. LOOK, THERE'S BOBBY MINDICH, THE CLASS CLOWN.

137. I... AM NOT A CROOK!

138. EH? RICHARD NIXON.

139. I KNOW!

140. OH, MY GOD!

141. IT'S MY OLD BOYFRIEND, ARTIE ZIFF.

142. HELLO, MARGE. HAVE YOU HEARD? I'M STINKING RICH.

143. JEALOUS?

144. I'LL BET YOU'D TRADE IT ALL FOR ONE NIGHT WITH MY WIFE.

145. - I WOULD. - MMM!

146. HOMER!

147. HEY, MAN, IT'S DAVE! OPEN UP, MAN!

148. DAVE'S NOT HERE, MAN.

149. OKAY, NOW, LET'S MOVE ON—

150. THE GUY'S SO HIGH, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT'S DAVE!

151. HOMER.

152. HOMER? HOMER'S NOT HERE, MAN.

153. OKAY, VERY GOOD.

154. NOW LET'S GET ON WITH OUR... REALLY BIG SHOW.

155. ED SULLIVAN. SHH!

156. FIRST, THE AWARD FOR THE ALUMNUS WHO'S GAINED THE MOST WEIGHT—

157. HOMER SIMPSON! OH, MY GOD!

158. HOW'D YOU DO IT, HOMER?

159. BETWEEN BREAKFAST AND BRUNCH.

160. HOMER SIMPSON. YES!

161. WELL, KISS MY GRITS!

162. HOMER SIMPSON!

163. IT HASN'T BEEN EASY STAYING IN MY RUT.

164. CLASS OF '74, YOUR PERMANENT RECORDS...

165. SOMETHING SHOCKING.

166. REMEDIAL SCIENCE 1-A,

167. FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

168. I'M SORRY, SIMPSON. I HAVE TO TAKE BACK THOSE AWARDS.

169. THIS IS HOWARD CO-SMELL.

170. HOMER SIMPSON IS A BOOB.

171. WHAT DO YOU THINK, J.J.?

172. DY-NO-MITE!

173. DIDN'T GRADUATE? HOW LOW CAN YOU GET?

174. BARNEY, WHERE'S YOUR CUMMERBUND?

175. IT FELL IN THE TOILET.

176. MARGE, I HAVE MY PRIDE.

177. I'M GOING TO GO TO NIGHT SCHOOL, EARN MY HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA...

178. MY MOST IMPROVED ODOR TROPHY!

179. YOU'RE A COMEDY WRITER? MY GOD, YOU'RE SO OLD.

180. I WANT MY CHECK!

181. YOU'RE A WRITER, ALL RIGHT.

182. - HERE YOU GO, SIMPSON. - I WANT ANOTHER ONE!

183. YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A STAFF JOB? I'LL START YOU AT $800 A WEEK.

184. MY CHEST HURTS.

185. ALL RIGHT, LEECHES, A GOOD WRITER LOOKS LIKE.

186. HIS NAME IS ABRAHAM SIMPSON,

187. AND HE'S GOT SOMETHING YOU COULDN'T GET AT YOUR FANCY SCHOOLS— LIFE EXPERIENCE.

188. ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, LIFE EXPERIENCE, AND—

189. QUIET!

190. ABE, TELL 'EM ABOUT YOUR AMAZING LIFE.

191. I SPENT 40 YEARS AT A CRANBERRY SILO.

192. WOW!

193. SO, THIS PATCH INTO MY BODY,

194. FOR CIGARETTES.

195. ROLL THE CARTOON.

196. BART! OUR CARTOON'S ON TV!

197. - ALL RIGHT! - TURN UP THE VOLUME!

198. BUT STEADY PROCESS.

199. AH, THIS SHOW AIN'T NO GOOD. HEE-YAH!

200. BART, LISA, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU, AND I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

201. DAD, WHATEVER YOU SAY,

202. YOU KNOW YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE MY LOVE AND RESPECT.

203. FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

204. HELLO, SON.

205. I WAS ON MY WAY AND THOUGHT I'D DROP BY.

206. OH. YOU HAVE A JOB?

207. THEY PAY ME $800 A WEEK WHAT TO DO!

208. I SEE.

209. DAD, CAN WE TALK FOR A MINUTE?

210. ALL RIGHT. BUT IF HE STARTS TO WIG OUT, TRY TO LURE HIM INTO THE CELLAR.

211. AND SENT IT IN.

212. DIDN'T YOU WONDER FOR DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?

213. 'CAUSE THE DEMOCRATS WERE IN POWER AGAIN.

214. GRAMPA, WE COULD AND SPLIT THE MONEY THREE WAYS.

215. I DON'T KNOW. I'D BETTER SLEEP ON IT.

216. GRAMPA? GRAMPA!

217. OH, WHY DID YOU WAKE ME?

218. THE NICEST DREAM.

219. THE QUEEN OF THE OLD WEST.

220. IN MY GARTER, I DID.

221. DO WE HAVE A DEAL? SURE, SURE.

222. BOYS, STOP! YOU CAN BOTH MARRY ME!

223. WHOO-HOO! YIPPEE!

224. HEY, HOW WOULD YOU KIDS LIKE A TOUR OF THE STUDIO?

225. YEA! YEA!

226. - ABE, YOU COMIN'? - ANY STAIRS?

227. - JUST ONE. - NUTS TO YOU!

228. WOW, IT MUST BE EXPENSIVE TO PRODUCE ALL THESE CARTOONS.

229. WELL, WE CUT CORNERS.

230. TO SAVE MONEY,

231. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

232. WELCOME TO REMEDIAL SCIENCE 1-A.

233. MY, UH, WIFE RECENTLY PASSED AWAY.

234. MIGHT EASE MY LONELINESS.

235. - WILL THIS BE ON THE TEST? - NO!

236. OH!

237. HEY, MEL, BRING ME ANOTHER NICOTINE PATCH.

238. UH, I THINK THERE'S SOME SPACE ON MY BUTT.

239. AND NOW, HERE'S ANOTHER FINE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY CARTOON...

240. BY ABRAHAM SIMPSON!

241. HMPH!

242. HMPH!

243. NOW I'M GOING TO HOW MANY CALORIES IT HAS.

244. NO!

245. A PARTICULARLY SWEET DOUGHNUT.

246. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!

247. DEAR MR. PRESIDENT,

248. STATES NOWADAYS.

249. PLEASE ELIMINATE THREE.

250. I AM NOT A CRACKPOT.

251. GOOD NEWS, ABE. WHO ARE YOU?

252. NO, NO. YOU'VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN AWARD.

253. YOU'RE SO GOOD, I FIRED THE OTHER WRITERS.

254. FROM NOW ON, THE FATE OF DELIGHTFUL COCONUT OF YOURS.

255. OH, NO! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!

256. I'M A COMPLETE FRAUD!

257. HUH? SORRY? I DIDN'T CATCH ANY OF THAT. AND NOW I GOTTA GO.

258. ALL RIGHT, HERE ARE YOUR EXAMS. FIFTY QUESTIONS.

259. - TRUE OR FALSE. - TRUE.

260. - HOMER, I WAS JUST DESCRIBING THE TEST. - TRUE.

261. - HOMER, JUST TAKE THE TEST, AND YOU'LL DO FINE. - FALSE.

262. ALL RIGHT, BRAIN. YOU DON'T LIKE ME, AND I DON'T LIKE YOU,

263. BUT LET'S JUST DO THIS KILLING YOU WITH BEER.

264. IT'S A DEAL!

265. THANK YOU FOR THIS AWARD.

266. TO THIS GREAT COUNTRY...

267. COULD WIN BACK YOUR TRUST.

268. YO, GRAMPA, TIME FOR THE AWARDS.

269. FROM THE ESCORT SERVICE?

270. WON'T COVER YOU.

271. OH. THAT'S AN ONION IN THE OINTMENT.

272. AND NOW, TO PRESENT WRITING IN A CARTOON SERIES,

273. AND BROOKE SHIELDS.

274. "WELL, HERE WE ARE.

275. AND ME, THE BLUE-HAIRED GOON!

276. THAT'S TERRIBLE!

277. AND TO MAKE US CRY.

278. WOULDN'T YOU AGREE, KRUSTY?

279. FIRST OF ALL, MY HAIR IS GREEN, NOT BLUE.

280. I GOT NOTHIN' TO WORK WITH HERE.

281. NOTHIN'! UH—

282. WELL, AT LEAST I CAN TAKE OFF THIS GIRDLE.

283. OHH, YEAH!

284. UH, THE NOMINEES IN A CARTOON SERIES ARE...

285. STRONG-DAR, MASTER OF AKOM, THE WEDDING EPISODE.

286. ACTION FIGURE MAN, THE "HOW TO BUY ACTION FIGURE MAN" EPISODE.

287. PLEASE, MOMMY. I WANT IT.

288. HMM.

289. REN AND STIMPY, SEASON PREMIERE.

290. AND FINALLY, ITCHY AND SCRATCHY, THE "LITTLE BARBERSHOP OF HORRORS" EPISODE.

291. FOR ME.

292. THAT'S GONNA HURT COME WINTER.

293. AND THE WINNER IS...

294. ITCHY AND SCRATCHY, ABRAHAM SIMPSON— RISE.

295. I EVER SAW ITCHY AND SCRATCHY,

296. AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!

297. AND VIOLENT!

298. ARE DESPICABLE! FOR SHAME!

299. HE'S RIGHT. WE'VE BEEN WASTING OUR LIVES.

300. THE HELL WITH CARTOONS. I'M GONNA DO WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF.

301. I'M GONNA WRITE THAT SITCOM ABOUT THE SASSY ROBOT.

302. HERE, KIDS. I GUESS YOU DESERVE THIS.

303. LET'S GO.

304. LIKES THE TRUTH, HUH, GRAMPA?

305. - NOPE. - I'LL NEVER WATCH AN AWARDS SHOW AGAIN.

306. BILLY CRYSTAL'S INVOLVED.

307. MARGE! I PASSED!

308. THAT'S WONDERFUL, HOMIE!

309. AT OUR NEXT HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, I'LL HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

310. HELLO, DONDELINGER.

311. SIMPSON. STUCK ON YOUR HEAD?

312. D'OH!

313. NOT ME!

314. KNOCK THAT OFF, YOU TWO! IT'S TIME FOR CHURCH!

315. WE'RE NOT GOING TO CHURCH TODAY.

316. WHAT? YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON!

317. - IT'S SATURDAY! - OKILLY-DOKILLY-DO!

318. SHH!