The Simpsons 4x17

Directed by Mark Kirkland

Joyce Brothers as herself (voice) • Joyce Brothers as Joyce Brothers (voice)

Union president Homer fights to keep the dental plan.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. The Simpsons.

2. My friends,

3. tonight, we unveil my most diabolical creation...

4. Swank.

5. Ten times more addictive than marijuana.

6. To human misery.

7. Ice to see you.

8. McBain!

9. Ah, McBain.

10. So glad you could make it.

11. Have a salmon puff.

12. All right.

13. That is one evil dude.

14. It's just a movie, son.

15. There's nobody that evil in real life.

16. Smithers, where's

17. that union representative? He's 20 minutes late.

18. I don't know, sir. He hasn't been seen

19. since he promised to clean up the union.

20. What the hell?

21. Well, let's look

22. at the contract ourselves, eh?

23. Benefits, perks,

24. a green cookie on St. Patrick's Day. Ho ho.

25. It didn't use to be this way, Smithers.

26. No, it didn't use to be this way at all.

27. Come on, come on, crack those atoms.

28. You, turn out those pockets.

29. Atoms. One, two, three, fo...

30. six of them.

31. Take him away.

32. You can't treat the working man this way.

33. One day we'll form a union,

34. and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve.

35. Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless,

36. and the Japanese will eat us alive.

37. The Japanese?

38. Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?

39. Ha ha! Bosh. Flimshaw.

40. If only we had listened to that boy

41. instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

42. Well, I am going to avenge my grandfather.

43. We'll take on that greedy union

44. and we'll get back our...

45. dental plan.

46. How often do you brush, Ralph?

47. Three times a day, sir.

48. Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?

49. You're right, I don't brush.

50. I don't brush.

51. Let's look at a picture book.

52. That's enough! That's enough!

53. Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth so he can sell them.

54. To who?

55. Know that rattle when you shake up spray paint?

56. That's a kid's tooth.

57. Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked.

58. Has she been sucking on a pacifier?

59. Um, not to my knowledge.

60. Liar!

61. I'm also afraid

62. little Lisa is going to need braces.

63. Oh, no. I'll be socially unpopular.

64. More so.

65. Are you sure, doctor?

66. Well, judge for yourself.

67. Here's Lisa today.

68. Without treatment, here's what she'll look like

69. at age 11...

70. age 14...

71. age 17...

72. and finally, age 18.

73. Cool. She'll be a freak.

74. Bart!

75. We can stick her in a trailer,

76. drive around the south,

77. and charge two bits a gander.

78. Now, stay tuned for professional wrestling

79. live from the Springfield Grapplarium.

80. Tonight, a Texas Death match...

81. Doctor Hillbilly versus the Iron Yuppie.

82. One man will actually be unmasked and killed in the ring.

83. I hope they kill that Iron Yuppie.

84. Thinks he's so big.

85. Homer, Lisa needs braces.

86. Don't worry.

87. We won a dental plan in the strike of '88.

88. That's where I got this scar.

89. What do we want?

90. More equitable treatment in the hands of management!

91. When do we want it?

92. Soon!

93. Where's my burrito?!

94. Where's my burrito?!

95. Where's my burrito?!

96. Then I got this scar sneaking under the door

97. of a pay toilet.

98. Welcome brothers of local 643.

99. As you know, our president, Chucky Fitzhugh,

100. ain't been seen lately.

101. We're all praying he'll turn up soon, alive and well.

102. All right, all right, but seriously...

103. we have to vote on Burns' new contract.

104. It's basically the same deal,

105. except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings.

106. And in exchange for that,

107. we have to give up our dental plan.

108. So long, dental plan.

109. - ...dental plan. - Lisa needs braces.

110. - ...dental plan. - Lisa needs braces.

111. - ...dental plan. - Lisa needs braces.

112. - ...dental plan. - Lisa needs braces.

113. - ...dental plan. - Lisa needs braces.

114. - ...dental plan. - Lisa needs braces.

115. Bull's-eye!

116. Thanks a lot, Carl.

117. Now I've lost my train of thought.

118. ...dental plan.

119. Lisa needs braces.

120. ...dental plan.

121. Lisa needs braces.

122. If we give up our dental plan...

123. I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!

124. People, stop! We can't give up our dental plan.

125. Lenny, without that dental plan,

126. you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth.

127. Yoink!

128. Hey!

129. And Gummy Joe.

130. Where would you be without that dental plan?

131. I wouldn't have old chomper here

132. that's for sure.

133. You know what I think of this contract? This!

134. Who is that firebrand, Smithers?

135. That's Homer Simpson, sir.

136. Simpson, eh? New man?

137. Actually sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor.

138. You ran over his son.

139. He saved the plant from meltdown.

140. His wife painted you in the nude.

141. Uh, doesn't ring a bell.

142. Homer! Homer! Homer!

143. I move that Homer Simpson be our new union president.

144. All in favor?

145. Aye!

146. All opposed?

147. Nay.

148. Congratulations, Homer.

149. Hey, what does this job pay?

150. Nothing.

151. Unless you're crooked.

152. Whoo-hoo!!

153. President of the union! I'm so proud of you, Homie.

154. This is your chance to get a fair shake

155. for the working man.

156. And make lifelong connections to the world of organized crime.

157. Mmm, organized crime.

158. Don Homer, I have baked a special doughnut

159. just for you.

160. Grazie.

161. Don Homer, my son, he has trouble with the, uh...

162. Molto bene.

163. That's-a nice-a doughnut.

164. Do you think you can get the dental plan back?

165. Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator...

166. Mr. Burns or me.

167. Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop

168. for your crummy old Danish.

169. Done, and done.

170. Lisa and Marge,

171. these braces are invisible, painless,

172. and periodically release a delightful burst

173. of Calvin Klein's Obsession for teeth.

174. Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now

175. so we'll need something a little more... affordable.

176. These predate stainless steel, so you can't get them wet.

177. He's a worthy foe.

178. Look at him, Smithers... Exercising away

179. while the others are off at the candy machine.

180. Hey, Lenny, can you get

181. this Sugar Daddy off my back?

182. Okay, but it's the last time.

183. We don't have to be adversaries, Homer.

184. We both want a fair union contract.

185. Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?

186. And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

187. Wait a minute. Is he coming on to me?

188. I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket,

189. what's the harm?

190. Oh, my God.

191. He is coming on to me.

192. After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.

193. Sorry, Mr. Burns,

194. but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans.

195. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious,

196. but the answer is no.

197. Lisa, so you won't be scared,

198. I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using.

199. This is the scraper,

200. this is the poker,

201. and this happy little fellow is the gouger.

202. Now, the first thing I'll be doing

203. is chiseling some teeth out of your jawbone.

204. Hold still while I gas you.

205. Look, fellas.

206. It's Lisa in the sky.

207. No diamonds, though.

208. Look out for the campy drawing of Queen Victoria!

209. Oh, no!

210. For the love of God, help us!

211. - Help us! - Help us!

212. The mirror.

213. The mirror!

214. Honey, you look fine.

215. Who is it?

216. Goons.

217. Who?

218. Hired goons.

219. Hired goons?

220. Ah, Homer. I hope Crusher and Low Blow didn't hurt you.

221. You know, you could have just called me.

222. Oh, yes, but the telephone is so impersonal.

223. I prefer the hands-on touch

224. you only get with hired goons.

225. Hired goons?

226. This is the largest TV in the free world.

227. Aiee! Un gato malodoro!

228. This is a thousand monkeys

229. working at a thousand typewriters.

230. Soon, they'll have written

231. the greatest novel known to man. Let's see.

232. "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times!"

233. You stupid monkey!

234. Oh, shut up.

235. And this is my basement.

236. Gee, it's not as nice as the other rooms.

237. Yes, I really should stop

238. ending the tour with it.

239. Now, let's get down to business.

240. Oh, man,

241. I really have to go to the bathroom.

242. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?

243. Now, Homer, I know what you're thinking,

244. and I want to take the pressure off.

245. It doesn't take a whiz to see

246. that you're looking out for number one.

247. Well, listen to me and you'll make

248. a big splash very soon.

249. Which way to the bathroom?

250. Oh, it's the 23rd door on the left.

251. Nope.

252. Nope.

253. Nope.

254. Ah, he wouldn't even hear me out.

255. Find the bathroom all right?

256. Uh... yeah.

257. Well, you've won this round, Simpson.

258. But I'll grind you into the earth like a bug.

259. Simpson, be a dear and rub my legs

260. till the feeling comes back.

261. A bug, I tell you!

262. A bug!

263. I'm going to resign.

264. I don't know why they made me union president

265. in the first place.

266. Because they love you down at the plant.

267. Yeah, you're right.

268. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck,

269. pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh.

270. Hmm. That doesn't sound like they like you at all.

271. You know, I think you're right.

272. First thing tomorrow morning,

273. I'm going to punch Lenny in the back of the head.

274. Batten down those cowlicks.

275. Straighten that part.

276. Uncross those eyes, mister.

277. But I can't!

278. Oh, sorry, Quigley.

279. Come on, honey, smile.

280. I bet you've got a beautiful smile.

281. Why don't you share it with the world?

282. There is no God!

283. Fellow workers, I've been meeting

284. with Mr. Burns day and night and I've had enough.

285. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

286. All in favor of a strike?

287. Aye!

288. All opposed?

289. Nay.

290. Who keeps saying that?

291. It was him.

292. Let's get him, fellas.

293. Come gather 'round, children.

294. It's high time ye learns.

295. 'Bout a hero named Homer.

296. And a devil named Burns.

297. We'll march till we drop.

298. The girls and the fellas.

299. We'll fight till the death.

300. Or else fold like umbrellas...

301. Ah, this is the life.

302. Smithers, get me some strikebreakers.

303. The kind they had in the '30s.

304. We can't bust heads like we used to.

305. But we have our ways.

306. One trick is to tell them stories

307. that don't go anywhere.

308. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville.

309. I needed a new heel for my shoe,

310. so I decided to go to Morganville,

311. which is what they called Shelbyville in those days.

312. So I tied an onion to my belt,

313. which was the style at the time.

314. Now, to take the ferry costs a nickel,

315. and in those days,

316. nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them.

317. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

318. Now, where were we?

319. Oh, yeah. The important thing was

320. that I had an onion on my belt,

321. which was the style at the time.

322. They didn't have white onions

323. because of the war.

324. The only thing you could get

325. was those big, yellow ones.

326. Full power, Smithers.

327. So we'll march day and night.

328. By the big cooling tower.

329. They have the plant.

330. But we have the power.

331. Now do "Classical Gas".

332. Ooh, look at him strutting around like he's cock of the walk.

333. Well, let me tell you.

334. Homer Simpson is cock of nothing.

335. Why, you and I can run this plant ourselves.

336. Crush, kill, destroy.

337. Tonight on Smartline:

338. "The Power Plant Strike... Argle-bargle or Foofooraw?"

339. With us tonight

340. are plant owner C.M. Burns,

341. union kingpin Homer Simpson,

342. and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce brothers.

343. I brought my own mic.

344. Yes, well...

345. Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur.

346. Uh, my director's telling me

347. not to talk to you anymore.

348. - Whoo-hoo! - Uh, Mr. Burns,

349. you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade?

350. Yes, thank you, Kent.

351. 15 minutes from now,

352. I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city.

353. No one will be spared!

354. No one!

355. A chilling vision of things to come.

356. Oh, for God's sake.

357. Good-bye, Springfield.

358. From hell's heart, I stab at thee.

359. So we'll march day and night.

360. By the big cooling tower.

361. They have the plant.

362. But we have the power.

363. So we'll march day and night.

364. By the big cooling tower.

365. They have the plant, but we have the power.

366. Look at them all

367. through the darkness I'm bringing.

368. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing.

369. They sing without juicers.

370. They sing without blenders.

371. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers, and smendlers.

372. Dooh...

373. Tell Simpson I'm ready to deal.

374. All right, Homer.

375. You can have the dental plan

376. on one condition.

377. You must resign as head of the union.

378. Whoo-hoo!

379. Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson

380. was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

381. We're going back to work.

382. Yay!

383. Yay!

384. Oh, honey, you can hardly see your new braces.

385. And that's the tooth.

386. I left the gas on.