1. The Simpsons.Copy !req
2. The Monster Mash.Copy !req
3. And do my
graveyard smash.Copy !req
4. Doing the "Monster Mash" with youCopy !req
5. on this beautiful
Valentine's Day.Copy !req
6. Marty, why did
you play that song today?Copy !req
7. There must be thousands
of love songs.Copy !req
8. Well, it's-it's kind of a love song.Copy !req
9. All the monsters enjoying
each other's company,Copy !req
10. you know, dancing.Copy !req
11. Holding their evil in check.Copy !req
12. You played
the wrong record, didn't you?Copy !req
13. Why are you doing this to me?Copy !req
14. Bah! This is just another
Hallmark holidayCopy !req
15. cooked up to sell cards.Copy !req
16. Oh, a Valentine
from my granddaughter.Copy !req
17. Could I have the envelope?Copy !req
18. "To Moe,
from your secret admirer."Copy !req
19. Yoo-hoo!Copy !req
20. Oh, God, no.Copy !req
21. And this is
for my huggy bugCopy !req
22. in honor
of this special day.Copy !req
23. Special day?Copy !req
24. Oh, what have
I forgotten now?Copy !req
25. Now don't panic.
Is it bacon day?Copy !req
26. No, that's crazy talk.Copy !req
27. She's getting impatient.Copy !req
28. Take a stab at it.Copy !req
29. Happy Valentine's Day.Copy !req
30. Oh, thank you, dear.Copy !req
31. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
32. I'll bet you have a lot of
things planned, eh, Dad?Copy !req
33. Uh, kind of.Copy !req
34. Nobody makes a big deal
out of Valentine's Day.Copy !req
35. If you think I'm cuddly.Copy !req
36. And you want my company.Copy !req
37. Come on, wifey,
let me know.Copy !req
38. Hey, Dad, why don't you
give Mom her present?Copy !req
39. What a nice idea, son.Copy !req
40. It's, uh...Copy !req
41. upstairs on the second
floor of our house.Copy !req
42. I'll just go get it.Copy !req
43. Apu, you got
to help me.Copy !req
44. I need a Valentine's gift
for my wife.Copy !req
45. Perhaps this might
be appropriate.Copy !req
46. Yes! You saved my life.
How much?Copy !req
47. $100.Copy !req
48. What?
That's highway robbery.Copy !req
49. I won't pay it.Copy !req
50. Oh, I think you will.Copy !req
51. Forget it, pal.Copy !req
52. All right! But I'll
never shop here again.Copy !req
53. If he discovers
the discount supermarket next door,Copy !req
54. all is lost.Copy !req
55. - Nickel off on expired baby food.
- Sold!Copy !req
56. Miss Hoover, can we
exchange our valentines?Copy !req
57. Not just yet, Janey.Copy !req
58. First, we're going to
construct paper mailboxesCopy !req
59. to store the valentines.Copy !req
60. Isn't that pointless busywork?Copy !req
61. Bull's-eye! Get cracking.Copy !req
62. Yes, Ralph?Copy !req
63. My parents won't let me
use scissors.Copy !req
64. The children are right
to laugh at you, Ralph.Copy !req
65. These things
couldn't cut butter.Copy !req
66. Now take out your red crayons.Copy !req
67. Miss Hoover?Copy !req
68. Yes, Ralph?Copy !req
69. I don't have a red crayon.Copy !req
70. - Why not?
- I ate it.Copy !req
71. Attention, everyone.
This is Principal Skinner.Copy !req
72. Some student,
possibly Bart Simpson,Copy !req
73. has been circulating
candy heartsCopy !req
74. featuring crude,
off-color sentiments.Copy !req
75. Well, let me
tell you something.Copy !req
76. Valentine's Day is no joke.Copy !req
77. Sending your chick
a valentine, huh?Copy !req
78. Yep.Copy !req
79. Johnny.Copy !req
80. Johnny!Copy !req
81. Johnny!!Copy !req
82. Cool.
I broke his brain.Copy !req
83. All right, children.Copy !req
84. You may now
exchange valentines.Copy !req
85. Miss Hoover, I glued
my head to my shoulder.Copy !req
86. Poor Ralph.Copy !req
87. Here you go, Ralph.Copy !req
88. You choo-choo-choose me?Copy !req
89. Happy Valentine's.Copy !req
90. All right,
special holiday meal.Copy !req
91. Where do you want
these beef hearts?Copy !req
92. On the floor.Copy !req
93. It doesn't look very clean.Copy !req
94. Just do your job, heart-boy.Copy !req
95. Bart, what's wrong?Copy !req
96. My baboon heart.Copy !req
97. Body...Copy !req
98. rejecting it.Copy !req
99. Can I walk you home...
valentine?Copy !req
100. Sure, I guess.Copy !req
101. That valentine
sure was funny.Copy !req
102. Glad you liked it.Copy !req
103. It says,
"Choo-choo-choose me."Copy !req
104. And there's a picture
of a train.Copy !req
105. Yeah, nice gag.Copy !req
106. Uh, so...Copy !req
107. do you like... stuff?Copy !req
108. The doctor said I wouldn't
have so many nosebleedsCopy !req
109. if I kept my finger
out of there.Copy !req
110. Well, here's my house.Copy !req
111. ...and fight,
The Itchy & Scratchy show.Copy !req
112. Hey, kids, don't forget to
watch my 29th anniversary showCopy !req
113. featuring clips like
this one of Sideshow MelCopy !req
114. whacked out on wowee sauce.Copy !req
115. Everyone's always kissing your ass.Copy !req
116. Well, I'm not afraid
to tell you,Copy !req
117. you're a.Copy !req
118. Oh, I'd give anything
to go to that show.Copy !req
119. I'd sell my first-born son.Copy !req
120. - Hey!
- You'll do as you're told.Copy !req
121. Ralph thinks
I like him,Copy !req
122. but I only gave him
a valentineCopy !req
123. 'cause I felt
sorry for him.Copy !req
124. Ah, sweet pity.Copy !req
125. Where would my love life
have been without it?Copy !req
126. What do you say
to a boyCopy !req
127. to let him know
you're not interested?Copy !req
128. Well, honey...Copy !req
129. Let me handle this, Marge.
I've heard 'em all.Copy !req
130. "I like you as a friend."Copy !req
131. "I think we should
see other people.Copy !req
132. "I no speak English."Copy !req
133. I get the idea.Copy !req
134. "I'm married to the sea."Copy !req
135. "I don't want to kill you,
but I will."Copy !req
136. Honey! Honey, I'd tell this boy
that you're very flattered,Copy !req
137. but you're not ready
for this kind of thing.Copy !req
138. Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
139. And if that doesn't work,Copy !req
140. six simple words:Copy !req
141. "I'm not gay,
but I'll learn."Copy !req
142. Ralph, I think you're nice,
but I'm just not readyCopy !req
143. for this kind of thing.Copy !req
144. Do you understand?Copy !req
145. I guess so.Copy !req
146. Good.Copy !req
147. Dad, how do you get
a girl to like you?Copy !req
148. Son, whether you want to win
a girl or crack a nut,Copy !req
149. the key is persistence.Copy !req
150. Keep at it,
and never lose your cool.Copy !req
151. Ah, come on,
you stupid...Copy !req
152. Let that be a lesson
to the rest of you... nuts.Copy !req
153. Okay, Dad.
I'll be persistent.Copy !req
154. Is that how you got Mom?Copy !req
155. Well, son,Copy !req
156. never underestimate the appeal
of a man in uniform.Copy !req
157. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
158. Oh. Mmm.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
159. Hey, boys and girls,
only four daysCopy !req
160. till my anniversary show.Copy !req
161. 29 years,
and when I came on,Copy !req
162. they said
I wouldn't last a week.Copy !req
163. And you know where
those reviewers are?Copy !req
164. All dead.Copy !req
165. How you doing down there,
fellas? Huh? Huh?Copy !req
166. Anyway, here's a clip.Copy !req
167. Now why do they call this
a urine monkey?Copy !req
168. Oh... I just found out.Copy !req
169. That's funny
for so many reasons.Copy !req
170. We have to go
to that show.Copy !req
171. Forget it.
To get those tickets,Copy !req
172. our parents would
have to be partCopy !req
173. of Springfield's
cultural elite.Copy !req
174. Can you believe FlandersCopy !req
175. threw out a perfectly
good toothbrush?Copy !req
176. Oh, no, it's Ralph.Copy !req
177. Just make up some excuse.Copy !req
178. She's in the can.
Go away.Copy !req
179. Yes, sir.Copy !req
180. I'd do anything for Lisa.Copy !req
181. Really?Copy !req
182. Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes
are making me dizzy.Copy !req
183. Yeah, they'll do that.Copy !req
184. "Dearest Martha,
since boyhoodCopy !req
185. "I have yearned to be
on the one-dollar bill,Copy !req
186. "and with your help,
this, I shall achieve.Copy !req
187. Sincerely, George Washington."Copy !req
188. Thank you, Rex.Copy !req
189. I've selected the cast
for our Presidents' Day pageant.Copy !req
190. Martha Washington
will be played by...Copy !req
191. Lisa Simpson.Copy !req
192. George Washington
will be played by...Copy !req
193. Ralph Wiggum.Copy !req
194. What? This is a travesty.Copy !req
195. Everyone knows
I'm the best actorCopy !req
196. in this ridiculous school.Copy !req
197. - Sit down, Rex.
- I will not sit down.Copy !req
198. Someone's gotten to you,
you deceitful cow.Copy !req
199. That's absurd, Rex.Copy !req
200. Ralph won the part
fair and square.Copy !req
201. That's the signal.Copy !req
202. Take the boot
off the car, boys.Copy !req
203. Now Ralph is
in the play with me.Copy !req
204. I just know he's going
to embarrass meCopy !req
205. in front
of the whole school.Copy !req
206. Oh, no,
it's a package from Ralph.Copy !req
207. Oh, a Malibu Stacy
convertible.Copy !req
208. "Look in the tunk."Copy !req
209. He must mean "trunk."Copy !req
210. Tickets to
the Krusty anniversary show!Copy !req
211. Oh, he must want me
to go with him.Copy !req
212. Oh, it isn't fair.Copy !req
213. I'm ten times
the Krusty fan you are.Copy !req
214. I even have the Krusty
home pregnancy test.Copy !req
215. I'm not sure I should go.
I don't even like him.Copy !req
216. You're right, Lis.
You shouldn't go.Copy !req
217. It wouldn't be honest.Copy !req
218. I'll go, disguised as you.Copy !req
219. What if he wants
to hold hands?Copy !req
220. I'm prepared to make
that sacrifice.Copy !req
221. What if he wants a kiss?Copy !req
222. I'm prepared to make
that sacrifice.Copy !req
223. What if he...Copy !req
224. You don't want to know
how far I'll go.Copy !req
225. Dad, is it rightCopy !req
226. to take things from people
you don't like?Copy !req
227. Sure it is, honey.Copy !req
228. You do mean stealing,
don't you?Copy !req
229. Well, actually,
it's not as bad as stealing,Copy !req
230. but my conscience
is bothering me.Copy !req
231. Your conscience?Copy !req
232. Lisa, don't let
that pushy, little weenieCopy !req
233. tell you what to do.Copy !req
234. Homer, that's
a terrible thing to say.Copy !req
235. Oh, shut up.Copy !req
236. Yes, sir.Copy !req
237. I am so glad you
cho-cho-choose to come.Copy !req
238. Heh. I think you should
give that a rest, Ralph.Copy !req
239. Chief Wiggum, how did you
ever get these tickets?Copy !req
240. Krusty knows
how to play ball.Copy !req
241. Ah... nothing beats
a good porno movie.Copy !req
242. Chief Wiggum,
is this a bust?Copy !req
243. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
244. That's just what it is,
a bust.Copy !req
245. That story isn't suitable
for children.Copy !req
246. Really? I keep my pants on
in this version.Copy !req
247. It's the Krusty the ClownCopy !req
248. 29th Anniversary Show!Copy !req
249. Hey!Copy !req
250. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
251. Hey, Mr. President.Copy !req
252. I campaigned
for the other guy,Copy !req
253. but I voted for you.Copy !req
254. You know, I started this
show so long ago,Copy !req
255. the ayatollah only
had a goatee. Ha ha!Copy !req
256. What's the matter,Copy !req
257. don't you people
read the papers?Copy !req
258. Ah, let's look at some clips.Copy !req
259. "He will not see me
stopping hereCopy !req
260. to watch his woods
fill up with snow..."Copy !req
261. Hey, Frosty, you want some
snow, man? Bwah!Copy !req
262. We discussed this,
and I said no.Copy !req
263. Now, here's a clip from 1973.Copy !req
264. Try to run, try to hide.Copy !req
265. Break on through
to the other side.Copy !req
266. Yeah.Copy !req
267. What was I on?Copy !req
268. Lisa, do you want
a bite of my ice cream?Copy !req
269. No, thanks.Copy !req
270. Send it this way, boy.Copy !req
271. Whoops.Copy !req
272. Aw... nothing gets
chocolate out. See?Copy !req
273. I've worked with some marvelous
second bananas over the years,Copy !req
274. but none more memorable
than Sideshow Raheem.Copy !req
275. Uh, the script says
I'm supposed to bonk you with this.Copy !req
276. I wouldn't.Copy !req
277. Right on.Copy !req
278. Angry, angry young man.Copy !req
279. Now for my favorite
part of the show.Copy !req
280. What's that say?Copy !req
281. "Talk to the audience?"Copy !req
282. Oh, God,
this is always death.Copy !req
283. All right.Copy !req
284. Oh, no, please don't
show me with Ralph.Copy !req
285. What's your name, son?Copy !req
286. Ralph.Copy !req
287. And is this
your girlfriend, Ralph?Copy !req
288. Yes, I love Lisa Simpson.Copy !req
289. And when I grow up,
I'm going to marry her.Copy !req
290. No!Copy !req
291. Now you listen to me.Copy !req
292. I don't like you.
I never liked you.Copy !req
293. And the only reason I gave
you that stupid valentineCopy !req
294. was because
nobody else would!Copy !req
295. Watch this, Lis.
You can actuallyCopy !req
296. pinpoint the second when
his heart rips in half.Copy !req
297. And... now.Copy !req
298. At least you guys
are my friends.Copy !req
299. Son, I know just
how you feel.Copy !req
300. You've got a great little girl,
and the world's your oyster.Copy !req
301. No, Dad, she made
a fool out of me.Copy !req
302. Hey, come to think of it,
she did.Copy !req
303. Well, she didn't reckonCopy !req
304. with the awesome power
of the chief of police.Copy !req
305. Now, where did I put my badge?Copy !req
306. Hey!
That duck's got it.Copy !req
307. Oh, come on, come on,
give it back.Copy !req
308. I need it.Copy !req
309. Ah, keep it.Copy !req
310. Something wrong, officer?Copy !req
311. Yeah, got a taillight out.Copy !req
312. Where?Copy !req
313. Right there.Copy !req
314. You know, one day honest
citizens are going to stand upCopy !req
315. to you crooked cops.Copy !req
316. They are? Oh, no.Copy !req
317. Have they set a date?Copy !req
318. This orange drink
is the only wayCopy !req
319. to recoup our terrible losses
from "Fire Drill Follies."Copy !req
320. I just don't know
what went wrong.Copy !req
321. You opened the show
with a fire drill,Copy !req
322. and everyone cleared out.Copy !req
323. Hmm. So mother was right.Copy !req
324. It was my fault.Copy !req
325. Go ahead,
water it down some more.Copy !req
326. My God, man, I've watered her
down as far as she'll go.Copy !req
327. I cannot water no more.Copy !req
328. Good evening,
everyone, and welcomeCopy !req
329. to a wonderful evening
of theaterCopy !req
330. and picking up
after yourselves.Copy !req
331. We begin with a tribute to
our lesser-known presidents.Copy !req
332. We are the
mediocre presidents.Copy !req
333. You won't find our faces
on dollars or on cents.Copy !req
334. There's Taylor,
there's Tyler.Copy !req
335. There's Fillmore
and there's Hayes.Copy !req
336. There's William
Henry HarrisonCopy !req
337. I died in 30 days.Copy !req
338. We are the adequate,
forgettable.Copy !req
339. Occasionally regrettable.Copy !req
340. Caretaker presidents.Copy !req
341. Of the U.S.A.Copy !req
342. Hey girls,
check out this president.Copy !req
343. I am not a butt.Copy !req
344. Bart, do you want to
play John Wilkes Booth,Copy !req
345. or do you want to
act like a maniac?Copy !req
346. I'll be good.Copy !req
347. Ralph, I'm sorry I...Copy !req
348. Leave me alone.Copy !req
349. I'm here to play
George Washington.Copy !req
350. Uh... Ralph?Copy !req
351. Miss Hoover, this beard's
giving me a rash.Copy !req
352. Milhouse, you have one line
and then you're shot.Copy !req
353. Now get out there.Copy !req
354. I thought that Civil War
would never end.Copy !req
355. Now to soothe my headCopy !req
356. with an evening
at Ford's Theater.Copy !req
357. Oh, no, John Wilkes Booth!Copy !req
358. Hasta la vista, Abie.Copy !req
359. Come on boy, finish him off.Copy !req
360. You're next,
Chester A. Arthur.Copy !req
361. Unhand me, yankee.Copy !req
362. And now our evening
comes to an end.Copy !req
363. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
364. With a thorough re-tellingCopy !req
365. of the life
of George Washington.Copy !req
366. Dear, dear George Washington.Copy !req
367. Can this liberty you dream of
be worth all this bloodshed?Copy !req
368. Well, can it?Copy !req
369. Dear madam,
would you put a priceCopy !req
370. on the air we breathe,Copy !req
371. or the providence
that sustains us?Copy !req
372. But couldn't we just
give in to the British?Copy !req
373. Never!Copy !req
374. That boy is magnificent.Copy !req
375. He makes me want to learn more
about our founding fathers.Copy !req
376. To the library.Copy !req
377. Yeah!Copy !req
378. Dear Martha, I fear
my time is at hand.Copy !req
379. Oh, George.Copy !req
380. Your broth,
Mr. President.Copy !req
381. I asked for no broth.Copy !req
382. Away with you, lest my cane
find your backside.Copy !req
383. Hmm, yes.Copy !req
384. Please don't leave me,
George.Copy !req
385. Dear wife, if I could take
but one treasureCopy !req
386. with me
to the next life,Copy !req
387. it would be
your tender kiss.Copy !req
388. Now that's a man.Copy !req
389. I did not cry
when me own fatherCopy !req
390. was hung for stealing a pig,Copy !req
391. but I'll cry now.Copy !req
392. From sea to.Copy !req
393. Shining sea.Copy !req
394. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
395. And don't forget to
purchase some orange drinkCopy !req
396. for the long ride home.Copy !req
397. Ralph! Ralph!
You were so good!Copy !req
398. Ralph!Copy !req
399. Lisa.Copy !req
400. Hi, Ralph.Copy !req
401. You were great tonight.Copy !req
402. Aw, thanks.Copy !req
403. I've got something
for you.Copy !req
404. "Let's bee friends!"Copy !req
405. It says "Bee,"Copy !req
406. and there's a picture
of a bee on it.Copy !req
407. I thought you'd like it.Copy !req
408. Oh, look at that.Copy !req
409. Attention, all units.Copy !req
410. - Riot in progress at...
- Not tonight.Copy !req
411. Hey, hey! Bill and
Marty here wrapping upCopy !req
412. a beautiful President's Day.Copy !req
413. To George and Abe
and all the rest,Copy !req
414. here's a special song
just for you.Copy !req
415. I was working in
the lab late one night.Copy !req
416. Doggone it!Copy !req
417. When my eyes beheld
an eerie sight.Copy !req
418. For my monster from
his slab began to rise.Copy !req
419. And suddenly
to my surprise.Copy !req
420. He did the mash.Copy !req
421. He did the Monster Mash.Copy !req
422. The Monster Mash.Copy !req
423. It was a graveyard smash.Copy !req
424. He did the mash.Copy !req
425. It caught on in a flash.Copy !req
426. He did the mash.Copy !req
427. He did the Monster Mash.Copy !req
428. From my laboratory
in the castle east.Copy !req
429. To the master bedroom
where the vampires feast.Copy !req
430. The ghouls all came
from their humble abodes.Copy !req
431. To catch a jolt
from my electrodes.Copy !req
432. They did the mash.Copy !req
433. They did the Monster Mash.Copy !req
434. The Monster Mash.Copy !req
435. It was a graveyard smash.Copy !req
436. They did the mash.Copy !req
437. It caught on in a flash.Copy !req
438. They did the mash.Copy !req
439. They did the Monster Mash.Copy !req
440. The zombies
were having fun.Copy !req
441. The party had just begun.Copy !req