The Simpsons 4x12

Directed by Rich Moore

Leonard Nimoy as himself (voice) • Leonard Nimoy as Leonard Nimoy (voice) • Phil Hartman as Lyle Lanley (voice)

When Springfield gets a sudden windfall, a charismatic traveling salesman convinces the town to build a monorail.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. The Simpsons.

2. Yabba dabba doo!

3. Simpson, Homer Simpson.

4. He's the greatest guy in history.

5. From the town of Springfield.

6. He's about to hit a chestnut tree.

7. What do they do with these after we seal them?

8. I hear they dump 'em in an abandoned chalk mine

9. and cover 'em with cement.

10. I hear they're sending them to one of those southern states

11. where the governor's a crook.

12. Either way, I'm sleeping good tonight.

13. Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch?

14. - The playground? - No.

15. All those bald children are arousing suspicion.

16. To the park!

17. I think it's full, sir.

18. That's ridiculous.

19. The last tree held nine drums.

20. Agent Malone, Environmental Protection Agency.

21. Some Boy Scouts stumbled on your little game

22. of "hide the ooze."

23. Mr. Burns,

24. in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life,

25. this court fines you $3 million.

26. Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.

27. Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice, too.

28. Sold!

29. Oh, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

30. Ooh, there's going to be a town meeting

31. to decide how to spend Mr. Burns' money.

32. Oh, what a boon it could be

33. for our underfunded public schools.

34. Children, it's time for your history lesson.

35. Put on your virtual reality helmets.

36. Mmm, excellent.

37. Hello, Lisa.

38. I'm Genghis Khan.

39. You'll go where I go,

40. defile what I defile,

41. eat who I eat, hmm?

42. Come on, Lis, we both know how this money should...

43. Nay, must be spent.

44. Gaa! Oh...

45. Bart, we'll do anything you want.

46. Just call off your giant mechanical ants.

47. Whoa!

48. Well, I think we should spend the money on something

49. the whole town can be proud of.

50. Like a giant billboard that says, "No fat chicks"?

51. No.

52. Ooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this.

53. Could this town be any stupider?

54. Order. Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.

55. Get to the money!

56. In a moment.

57. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.

58. - Get to the money! - Get to the money!

59. Get to the money!

60. Very well.

61. We will now hear suggestions

62. for the, uh, disbursement of the, uh, $2 million.

63. Don't you mean $3 million?

64. Of course. How silly of me.

65. Excuse me.

66. We could use the money to hire firemen

67. to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.

68. Boring!

69. Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub,

70. and I come from, uh... someplace far away.

71. Yes, that will do.

72. Anyway, I... I say we invest that money

73. back in the nuclear plant.

74. I like the way Snrub thinks.

75. Pardon me, but I would like to see this money

76. spent on more police officers.

77. I have been shot eight times this year,

78. and as a result, I almost missed work.

79. Crybaby!

80. My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea.

81. It may sound a little boring at first.

82. Chat away. I'll just amuse myself

83. with some pornographic playing cards.

84. Well, surely you've all noticed

85. the terrible condition Main Street is in.

86. Many of us have destroyed it

87. by leaving winter chains on our tires

88. and carrying too much weight.

89. Woo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly.

90. And those potholes are becoming a real nuisance.

91. Now hold on just one minute.

92. Sure, we could fix up Main Street.

93. We could put all our eggs in one basket.

94. Shut up!

95. I wasn't done yet.

96. I'm just saying, we could blow all our money

97. on a stupid little street, but...

98. Oh, I ain't fer it.

99. I'm agin' it.

100. Main Street! Main Street! Main Street!

101. All those in favor of Grampa Simpson's plan

102. for rebuilding Main Street, please...

103. You know, a town with money is a little like

104. the mule with a spinning wheel.

105. No one knows how he got it,

106. and danged if he knows how to use it.

107. Heh, heh... mule.

108. The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley,

109. and I come before you good people tonight

110. with an idea. Probably the greatest...

111. Oh, it's not for you.

112. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

113. Now, wait just a minute.

114. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville.

115. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.

116. All right, I tell you what I'll do.

117. I'll show you my idea.

118. I give you the Springfield monorail.

119. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville,

120. and North Haverbrook.

121. And by gum, it put them on the map.

122. Well, sir, there's nothing on earth

123. like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail.

124. - What I say? - Monorail!

125. - What's it called? - Monorail.

126. That's right, monorail!

127. Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!

128. I hear those things are awfully loud.

129. It glides as softly as a cloud.

130. Is there a chance the track could bend?

131. Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

132. What about us brain-dead slobs?

133. You'll be given cushy jobs.

134. Were you sent here by the devil?

135. No, good sir, I'm on the level.

136. The ring came off my pudding can.

137. Take my penknife, my good man

138. I swear it's Springfield's only choice.

139. Throw up your hands and raise your voice.

140. Monorail!

141. What's it called?

142. Monorail!

143. Once again.

144. Monorail!

145. But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.

146. Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

147. Monorail.

148. Monorail.

149. Monorail.

150. Monorail!

151. Mono...

152. Monorail, monorail, monorail.

153. I still think we should have spent the money

154. to fix Main Street.

155. Well, you should have written a song like that guy.

156. Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley.

157. I'm Miss Hoover.

158. Miss Hoover?

159. That is hard to believe.

160. Oh, you.

161. Now I'm here to answer any questions

162. you children may have about the monorail.

163. Me! Me! Me!

164. - Can it outrun The Flash? - You bet.

165. Can Superman outrun The Flash?

166. Uh... sure. Why not?

167. Hello, little girl. Wondering if your dolly

168. can ride the monorail for free?

169. Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build

170. a mass transit system in a small town

171. with a centralized population.

172. Young lady,

173. that's the most intelligent question

174. - I've ever been asked. - Really?

175. Oh, I could give you an answer,

176. but the only ones who'd understand it

177. would be you and me,

178. and that includes your teacher.

179. Next question.

180. You there, eating the paste.

181. Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie."

182. Starring Marlon Brando

183. as the voice of John Truckasaurus.

184. You crazy car.

185. I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.

186. Celebrity voice impersonated.

187. - Are you stuck in a dead-end job? - Maybe.

188. Are you squandering the precious gift of life

189. - in front of the idiot box? - What's it to you?

190. Are you on your third beer of the evening?

191. Does whiskey count as beer?

192. Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field

193. of monorail conducting

194. by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.

195. Actual institute may not match photo.

196. Marge, I want to be a monorail conductor.

197. Homer, no.

198. It's my lifelong dream.

199. Your lifelong dream

200. was to run out on the field during a baseball game,

201. and you did it last year, remember?

202. Oh, yeah.

203. Good evening.

204. Before we begin,

205. is anyone here an investigative reporter?

206. I am and she is.

207. Well, I'd like you to please leave.

208. Should we take our hidden camera?

209. - Would you? - Let's go, Phil.

210. "True or false:

211. You can get mono from riding the monorail."

212. Mmm... false.

213. No, wait. Maybe it's true.

214. No, you were right. It's false.

215. Wow, you really are gonna be

216. a monorail conductor.

217. That's right, boy.

218. You know, I used to think you were stuck

219. in an emasculating, go-nowhere job.

220. Kids.

221. But now, I want to follow in your footsteps.

222. Do you want to change your name to Homer, Junior?

223. The kids can call you Hoju.

224. I'll get back to you.

225. Come on, keep it coming.

226. Over.

227. Over.

228. Hi, Homer!

229. Oh, I hate that sound.

230. According to this book, the monorail goes

231. over 150 miles an hour.

232. What if something goes wrong?

233. What if?

234. What if I'm taking a shower

235. and I slip on a bar of soap?

236. Oh, my God, I'd be killed!

237. It frightens me that you want to work

238. on something that's so unsafe.

239. We monorail conductors are a crazy breed...

240. Half in love with death,

241. gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts.

242. Am I turning you on?

243. - No. - What if I undo this button?

244. Good night, Homer.

245. What if I talk like this?

246. What if I sing to you?

247. I gave my love a chicken that had no bone...

248. Mmm, chicken.

249. So, then, mono means "one,"

250. and rail means "rail,"

251. and that concludes our intensive three-week course.

252. Hey, wait, man!

253. Who gets to be conductor?

254. Oh, right, that.

255. Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely,

256. but this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest.

257. Who, me?

258. - Yeah, sure. - Woo-hoo!

259. After an exhaustive search,

260. Springfield has found its monorail conductor...

261. Homer Simpson.

262. This is the snack holder

263. where I can put my beverage, or, if you will, cupcake.

264. Wow, Dad, you really know your monorails.

265. Homer, there's a family of possums in here.

266. I call the big one Bitey.

267. Mmm. I'm going to see Mr. Lanley.

268. Mr. Lanley? Mr. Lanley?

269. How much did you see?

270. Uh... nothing incriminating.

271. - Good. - Well, bye.

272. I don't know why I leave this lying around.

273. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville,

274. and North Haverbrook.

275. Is there a chance the track could bend?

276. I call the big one Bitey.

277. I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville,

278. and North Haverbrook.

279. Is there a chance the track could bend?

280. I call the big one Bitey.

281. Go away.

282. There ain't no monorail, and there never was.

283. Excuse me, miss.

284. You asked about the monorail?

285. Who are you?

286. My name is Sebastian Cobb.

287. Lanley hired me to build his monorail.

288. He cut corners everywhere...

289. Bad wiring, faulty brakes,

290. and the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher.

291. This is all that's left

292. of one of the crappiest trains ever built.

293. Mr. Cobb, what can we do?

294. You just better have a damn good conductor.

295. I locked my keys in there.

296. Get a rock.

297. Ladies and gentlemen, nothing brings out the stars

298. like the maiden voyage of a monorail.

299. Everyone's here...

300. From recently-outed leading man Dash Calhoun

301. to Krusty the Clown.

302. Hey, hey!

303. Krusty, why won't you answer my calls?

304. You've never even seen our son.

305. Here's one of those lovable high schoolers

306. from TV's "Springfield Heights, 90210."

307. He's cool. He's sexy.

308. He's 34 years old.

309. Let's hear it for Kyle Derin.

310. And here's country singing sensation.

311. Lurline Lumpkin,

312. fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic.

313. What you been up to, Lurline?

314. I spent last night in a ditch.

315. How about that, folks?

316. Now I'd like to turn things over to our grand marshal,

317. Mr. Leonard Nimoy.

318. Heh heh. I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.

319. And let me say,

320. "May the force be with you."

321. Do you even know who I am?

322. I think I do.

323. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

324. Mr. Lanley!

325. Aren't you gonna ride the monorail?

326. Little lady, I'd love to, but I have to catch a plane.

327. But the ride only takes a minute.

328. Yeah, well, my plane leaves in less than one minute.

329. All aboard!

330. We're too late!

331. I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.

332. Actually, you see, the doors on "Star Trek" were not mechanical.

333. We had a stagehand on either side

334. who would pull the door open when he saw you approach.

335. Stick your head out the window, boy.

336. It's the greatest.

337. Yee-ha!

338. Can't you stop it, Dad?

339. I'm trying my best.

340. The lever you have pulled...

341. "brakes"... Is not in service.

342. Please make a note of it.

343. How fast are they going?

344. Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream,

345. - 180 miles an hour. - Yee!

346. Ugh. It's making me dizzy.

347. I'm gonna take a nap.

348. All right, I'm in charge here.

349. Oh, run along, Quimby.

350. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.

351. Watch it, you talking tub of doughnut batter.

352. Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.

353. You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass.

354. Now beat it. I'm calling the shots.

355. I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain.

356. The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show.

357. Well, we'll just see about that.

358. Let's go to town hall.

359. Fine!

360. Should we take one car or should I follow you?

361. Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable,

362. I'm supposed to get a pig every month.

363. "...and two comely lasses of virtue true."

364. Keep the pig.

365. How many broads do I get? Hey.

366. Hey! Hey, let go, you're ripping it!

367. - No, you are! - No, you are!

368. Let go. That's the charter.

369. Wait a minute.

370. We can just shut off the power.

371. No such luck.

372. - It's solar-powered. - Solar power.

373. When will people learn?

374. A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.

375. Does anyone want to switch seats?

376. I did it.

377. Folks, this is your captain speaking.

378. Our non-stop flight to Tahiti

379. will be making a brief layover

380. in North Haverbrook.

381. North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before?

382. Oh, no. Oh, no!

383. There he is. Seat 3-F.

384. Krusty wants out.

385. No.

386. The world needs laughter.

387. Are we gonna die, son?

388. Yeah, but at least we'll take

389. a lot of innocent people with us.

390. Homer? Homer?

391. - Yello. - Homer, there's a man here

392. who thinks he can help you.

393. - Batman? - No. He's a scientist.

394. Batman's a scientist.

395. It's not Batman!

396. I think I have a way to stop the train.

397. You need to find an anchor of some sort.

398. Think harder, Homer.

399. I'll take that.

400. Uh, Dad...

401. Now, separating Siamese twins

402. is a long and costly procedure.

403. You call that an anchor?

404. Donuts.

405. Is there anything they can't do?

406. Dad! You're a hero.

407. Yes, son.

408. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.

409. Well, my work is done here.

410. What do you mean, your work is done?

411. You didn't do anything.

412. Didn't I?

413. And that was the only folly

414. the people of Springfield ever embarked upon...

415. except for the popsicle-stick skyscraper...

416. and the 50-foot magnifying glass...

417. and that escalator to nowhere.

418. Whoa!

419. Wha!

420. Whoa!