The Simpsons 4x1

1. The Simpsons.

2. Well, children, it's the last day of school.

3. Yay!

4. Here are your grades.

5. Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel,

6. if I don't get a "C" average,

7. my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty.

8. Well, it isn't fair to the other children,

9. but all right.

10. Much obliged, doll.

11. Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you.

12. Attention, everyone.

13. This is Principal Skinner.

14. I trust you all remembered to bring in

15. your implements of destruction?

16. Now let's trash this dump.

17. School's out for summer.

18. School's out forever.

19. Somebody put a torch to these permanent records.

20. Quickly now.

21. Fa-la-la-la-la.

22. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

23. La-la-la-la-la...

24. Wake up, boy.

25. Oh... I dreamt it was the last day of school.

26. Well, it is.

27. Oh, how do I know

28. this isn't some beautiful dream, too?

29. You know, a pinch is more traditional.

30. Homer, you do remember your promise to the children.

31. Sure do.

32. When you're 18, you're out the door.

33. No, Dad, you promised if Bart and I

34. got "C" averages,

35. we could go to Kamp Krusty.

36. And with no false modesty,

37. you're looking at one happy camper.

38. Heh, yeah, well...

39. just remember, when you see my report card

40. they got this whole new grading system this year.

41. It now goes, "D," "B," "A," "C."

42. Now, listen, boy, we have an understanding

43. and you better keep your end of it.

44. I don't think I'd be any kind of a father

45. if you got "D's," and I let you go to Kamp Krusty.

46. - But, Dad... - Son,

47. if you really want something in this life,

48. you have to work for it. Now quiet...

49. They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

50. 17...

51. 32...

52. Five...

53. - Eight... - Woo-hoo!

54. 47...

55. Attention, students,

56. Please clear out your lockers

57. into the wastebaskets provided.

58. 36-24-36.

59. Now, let's see what we got here.

60. Ah, my gym shorts.

61. Here are your final report cards.

62. I have nothing left to say to any of you.

63. So if nobody minds,

64. let's just quietly run out the clock.

65. I've never gotten a "B" before.

66. How could this have happened?

67. I feel so dirty.

68. The dirt's not coming off.

69. Okay, calm down.

70. This must just be a little typo.

71. Oh, Miss Hoover.

72. There appears to be a mistake on my report card.

73. You gave me a B+ in conduct?

74. Now Lisa, everyone needs a blotch

75. on their permanent record.

76. Perhaps I'm not making myself clear.

77. I think you should reconsider.

78. Lisa... you're hurting me.

79. Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades

80. I hope you'll note that all of my textbooks

81. are being returned in excellent condition...

82. In some cases, still in their original wrappings.

83. Duly noted.

84. I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty,

85. I've never seen an angel fly so low.

86. Forget it, short pants.

87. Mrs. Krabappel, If I don't get at least a "C" average

88. I can't go to Kamp Krusty.

89. Have a "D" -lightful summer.

90. Five...

91. Four...

92. Three...

93. - Two... - Don't open your mouth.

94. One.

95. Wait a minute.

96. You didn't learn how World War II ended.

97. We won!

98. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

99. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

100. I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burlies

101. since the fall of Saigon.

102. Well, William, another school year gone by.

103. And may I say, a job well done, sir.

104. Well, back to work then.

105. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing.

106. We want the old girls sparkling when I get back.

107. Aye, sir.

108. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup.

109. All right, three whole months of Spaghetti-O's

110. and daytime TV.

111. So, Bart, will you be joining me

112. in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty?

113. You bet.

114. Check out this hand: All aces.

115. "A+"?

116. Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades?

117. Hi, kids!

118. Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever

119. at Kamp Krusty.

120. Whup!

121. Hey! Hah! Ho! Ho!

122. Hey! Ho! Ugh! Hey!

123. Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground.

124. We've got archery, wallet-making,

125. the whole megillah.

126. And for you fat kids,

127. my exclusive program of diet and ridicule

128. will really get results.

129. And the best part is, when you come to Kamp Krusty,

130. you'll spend the summer with me!

131. Honest injun.

132. Well... here goes nothing.

133. Stupid roller skate.

134. Well, Dad, here's my report card.

135. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

136. "A+"? You don't think much of me, do you, boy?

137. - No, sir. - You know,

138. a "D" turns into a "B" so easily.

139. You just got greedy.

140. So I won't get to go to camp?

141. Now, Bart, we made this deal

142. because I thought it would help you get good grades,

143. and you didn't.

144. But why should you pay for my mistake?

145. You mean I can go?

146. Yeah, I didn't want you

147. hanging around all summer anyway.

148. Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have.

149. Thanks, son.

150. Now you got little hands.

151. Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate?

152. Pff. Never mind.

153. Bart, where's your bathing suit?

154. - I'm gonna swim naked. - You're what?

155. Ah, sure, there'll be a couple of uptight counselors

156. who won't dig the Bart philosophy,

157. but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.

158. Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?

159. Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters

160. for malaria, German measles

161. encephalitis, Hansen's disease.

162. Oh, now, I'm afraid what we have here

163. is an advanced case of hypochondria.

164. There's only one known cure:

165. A wowipop.

166. Don't patronize me, doctor.

167. It's our last family dinner for six weeks,

168. but I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

169. Oh, I'm going to miss this.

170. Hey, hands off my pickle.

171. I don't see your name on it, boy.

172. No, but...

173. Oh, yeah?

174. Checkmate.

175. Always thinking two moves ahead.

176. We'll see you when you get back

177. from image enhancement camp.

178. Spare me your euphemisms.

179. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret.

180. You promised you wouldn't make a scene.

181. Good-bye, my special little guy.

182. Lisa, watch out for poison ivy.

183. Remember, leaves of three, let it be.

184. Leaves of four, eat some more.

185. - Good-bye. - Good-bye, Mom!

186. - Good-bye! - Good-bye, Dad!

187. I'll write you every day.

188. Don't look in my closet.

189. In fact, stay out of my room altogether.

190. If the pets die don't replace them. I'll know!

191. So long! Don't come back.

192. Hi, kids. Welcome to Kamp Krusty.

193. I'll see you in a few weeks. Until then,

194. I've turned things over to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world...

195. Mr. Black.

196. - I want you to treat... - Mr. Black

197. ...with the same respect you would give me.

198. - Now, here's... - Mr. Black.

199. Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children.

200. I am Mr. Black, your head counselor.

201. For the past 15 years,

202. I was president of Euro-Krusty land

203. until it blew up.

204. I'll take any questions you might have.

205. You and then, uh... one more.

206. Can we call you Uncle Blackie?

207. No. Last question.

208. When do we get to see Krusty?

209. Uh, he will be along eventually.

210. In the meantime our counselors,

211. Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney

212. will be happy to handle any problems you may have.

213. Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker.

214. You can have the shower to yourself, Homie.

215. - I'm finished. - Oh, no, you're not.

216. Here's your cabin.

217. If you don't like it, T.S.

218. This is a little more rustic than I expected.

219. I'm not worried, Lis.

220. You know why?

221. Because of this...

222. The Krusty brand seal of approval.

223. You can only find it on products

224. which meet the high personal standards

225. of Krusty the Klown.

226. Oops, I should have warned you.

227. That clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in.

228. That's okay. Uh... all this stuff is fine.

229. Now, I am off to Wimbledon.

230. Don't we get to roast marshmallows?

231. Shut up and eat your pine cone.

232. Uh... are you sure that's safe?

233. Well, it ain't getting any safer.

234. All right, you balls of pan drippings,

235. I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores.

236. We're not leaving

237. until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up.

238. Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty.

239. By the shores of Big Snake lake.

240. Though your swings are rusty.

241. We know they'll never break.

242. Louder! Faster!

243. From your gleaming mess hall.

244. To your hallowed baseball field.

245. To your spic-and-span infirmary.

246. Where all our wounds are healed.

247. Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty.

248. Below Mount Avalanche.

249. We will always love Kamp Krusty...

250. A registered trademark of the Krusty corporation.

252. You're serving us gruel?

253. Not quite.

254. This is Krusty brand imitation gruel.

255. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

256. Yo, Mr. Black... Another brandy.

257. Gentlemen, to evil.

258. Marge, since the kids left,

259. I've lost five pounds.

260. Oh, that's wonderful.

261. And look, new hair.

262. I'm this close to having a comb-over.

263. Lights out, losers.

264. Yeah. We're meeting some tail

265. on the other side of the lake.

266. I feel like I'm going to die, Bart.

267. We're all going to die, Lis.

268. I meant soon.

269. So did I.

270. Mmm... strawberries. Mmm.

271. Oh, that's good.

272. Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke!

273. Yeah!

274. Point and game, Becker.

275. And will the harlequin in the third row

276. please keep his voice down.

277. Sorry, folks.

278. Sorry, your majesty.

279. "Dear kids:

280. "I hope this letter finds you well.

281. "We are doing great.

282. "Your father is in the best shape

283. he's been since... well, ever."

284. Size!

285. Strength! Agility!

286. "We miss you terribly.

287. "I hope these jellybean cookies

288. will tide you over until you get home."

289. Hey, Simpson.

290. Tell your mom her cookies sucked.

291. "Dear Mom and Dad:

292. "I no longer fear hell

293. "because I've been to Kamp Krusty.

294. Our nature hikes have become grim death marches."

295. A snake bit me.

296. Back in line, maggot.

297. "Our arts and crafts center

298. is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse."

299. Come on, wimps. These Gucci wallets

300. have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday.

301. "Bart makes it through the days

302. relying on his unwavering belief

303. that Krusty the Klown will come through..."

304. Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming.

305. "But I am far more pessimistic.

306. "I am not sure if this letter will reach you

307. as our lines of communication have been cut."

308. Giddyap.

309. "Now the effort of writing

310. "has made me lightheaded

311. "so I close by saying, 'Save us! Save us now!'

312. Bart and Lisa."

313. Ah, kids' letters from camp.

314. Oh, she complains now

315. but when we go to pick her up,

316. she won't want to leave.

317. Lisa, I've been thinking it over.

318. Next summer I'm getting a job.

319. Oh, Homer, it's getting late.

320. We'll miss the fireworks.

321. Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need

322. right here.

323. Well, kids, I promised you

324. a little treat in lieu of dinner,

325. and here it is:

326. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery

327. and turned it into a summer wonderland:

328. Mr. Krusty the Klown.

329. See, I told you Krusty would come.

330. Just like I said.

331. He's gonna bring us food and water

332. and smite our enemies.

333. Now I must tell you kids,

334. Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back,

335. so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.

336. Krusty looks fat.

337. He's really having trouble keeping his balance.

338. He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.

339. That's not Krusty the Klown!

340. What, do you think I slapped a clown suit on some wino?

341. Yeah, Bart, I am so Krunchy the Klown.

342. All right, that's it.

343. I've been scorched by Krusty before.

344. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins.

345. My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight.

346. And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving

347. with many glaring omissions.

348. But this time, he's gone too far.

349. We want Krusty!

350. We want Krusty! We want Krusty!

351. Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy!

352. I thought you said you broke their spirits.

353. We did.

354. You broke nothing.

355. Let's get 'em!

356. To the hydrofoil.

357. My chunky brothers,

358. gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom.

359. Oh, sweet, nourishing gruel!

360. Kowalski!

361. My brownies!

362. Wiggum.

363. A change of underwear.

364. Crandall.

365. My insulin!

366. Bart, you said you're gonna name it Camp Freedom.

367. Eh, this has more zing.

368. I dub thee sir...

369. Urgent call for Mr. Klown.

370. This better be important.

371. Oy gevalt!

372. Just let your head flop back and forth.

373. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus.

374. We interrupt "Surdrudinma Baradad's Yoga Party"

375. for this special bulletin.

376. Ladies and gentlemen

377. I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq,

378. and I can say without hyperbole that

379. this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

380. Burn, Krusty, burn! Burn, Krusty, burn!

381. A group of school-age Spartacuses

382. has taken this camp by force.

383. Three counselors are missing and presumed scared.

384. What's that?

385. I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview

386. with the ringleader.

387. Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.

388. I just want the whole world to know

389. that this was a really crappy camp.

390. Can I say "crappy" on TV?

391. Yes, on this network you can.

392. Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news?

393. Are you and Princess Di just friends?

394. You people make me sick! You're vultures!

395. Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid?

396. Out of my way, you parasites. I said out of my way!

397. I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty.

398. Oh, yeah?

399. Who played your daughter on the short-lived sitcom.

400. President Clown?

401. I don't know her name.

402. But she held up a liquor store last year.

403. I smell bacon.

404. Let's see if he's wearing a wire.

405. Hey, whoa!

406. Not the face.

407. It is the real Krusty.

408. Look at that pacemaker scar.

409. The cattle skull birthmark,

410. and his famous superfluous nipple.

411. Well, at least you're not as bad as customs.

412. How could you, Krusty?

413. I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.

414. They drove a dump truck full of money to my house.

415. I'm not made of stone.

416. Krusty, this camp was a nightmare.

417. They fed us gruel.

418. They forced us to make wallets for export,

419. and one of the campers was eaten by a bear.

420. Oh, my God!

421. Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.

422. - Was it a nice hat? - Oh, yeah.

423. Oh, my God!

424. Well, I'm gonna make it all up to you.

425. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your life.

426. Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth.

427. Tijuana!

428. South of the border.

429. Down Mexico way.

430. That's where I fell in love.

431. When stars above came out to play.

432. And now, as I wander.

433. My thoughts ever stray.

434. South of the border.

435. Down Mexico way.

436. Yes, she was a picture.

437. In old Spanish lace.

438. And just for a tender while

439. I kissed the smile upon her face.

440. For it was fiesta.

441. And we were so gay.

442. South of the border.

443. Down Mexico way.

444. Those mission bells told me.

445. That I must not stray.

446. South of the border.

447. Down Mexico way.

448. Olé!