The Simpsons 3x9

Directed by Jim Reardon

Larry McKay as Narrator (voice) • Phil Hartman as Troy McClure (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Van Houten (voice) • Larry McKay as Football's Greatest Injuries Narrator (voice) • Russi Taylor as Martin Prince / Ronnie Beck (voice) • Jo Ann Harris as Weasel (voice)

When Homer helps Bart build a soapbox racer, it does little for the car but a lot for their relationship.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'

2. Aah!

3. Hello, I'm Kent Brockman,

4. and this is "Eye on Springfield."

5. Wow. Info-tainment.

6. Tonight we salute the silver anniversary

7. of The Great Springfield Tire Yard Fire,

8. 25 years and still burning strong.

9. We watch Springfield's oldest man

10. meet Springfield's fattest man.

11. He's not so fat.

12. And we visit with heavyweight champion Dredrick Tatum

13. who reminisces about growing up in Springfield.

14. That town was a dump.

15. If you ever see me back there,

16. you know I really up bad.

17. But first, part seven of our eye-opening look

18. at the bikini.

19. Whoa... T and A!

20. Bart, why are you still up?

21. Lisa's slumber party.

22. Who can sleep with those five evil hens

23. cackling and plotting against me?

24. Boy, they've got better things to talk about than you.

25. Sheesh, what an ego.

26. Lisa, your brother is so gross.

27. You should smell his room.

28. Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes

29. that's what your husband's job will be.

30. It's a mop.

31. My husband will be a janitor.

32. That looks like an Olympic torch to me.

33. Your husband could be an Olympic athlete

34. who will go on to have a great acting career.

35. It's a dustpan.

36. The wax never lies.

37. Let's play Truth or Dare.

38. Truth or Dare! Truth or Dare!

39. I'll take... dare.

40. I dare you to...

41. kiss Lisa's brother.

42. Eww!

43. What the...?

44. Aaaaahh!

45. I'm telling Mom and Dad.

46. - You're telling who? - Mom and Dad.

47. Jinx!

48. Now you can't talk till somebody says your name.

49. Coming up next: an elephant who never forgets...

50. to brush!

51. What is it, boy?

52. Is anything the matter, my son?

53. Talk to me, young man.

54. Say your name?

55. Why should I do that, my lad?

56. Because I'm jinxed, damn it!

57. What was that for?

58. You spoke while you were jinxed

59. so I get to punch you in the arm.

60. Sorry, it's the law.

61. There he is.

62. Let's give him a make-over.

63. Run for it, boy!

64. Aaaaahh!

65. Oof!

66. Come here, Maggie.

67. That's it, I'm out of here.

68. Hiya, Homer.

69. What's the matter, Moe?

70. Business is slow.

71. People today are healthier and drinking less.

72. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door

73. no one would even use the cigarette machine.

74. Yeah, things are tough all over.

75. Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness

76. are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.

77. - Can I get a beer? - Yeah, sure.

78. Sorry. I forgot we're out of beer.

79. - Aahh! - I know.

80. I got behind on my beer payments.

81. The distributor cut me off

82. and I spent my last ten grand on the Love Tester.

83. You're too late, Homer.

84. Barney sucked it dry.

85. Cut his gums up pretty bad.

86. Take it easy, Homer.

87. I learned how to make other drinks at Bartender school.

88. Gin and... tonic?

89. Do they mix?

90. Hey, I know a good drink.

91. Really hits the spot.

92. I invented it myself.

93. One night, Marge's beastly sisters

94. were showing slides from their latest vacation.

95. And this is Patty

96. trying to plug her leg razor

97. into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets.

98. As you can see, we never did get the hang of it.

99. Ay, caramba!

100. As I stared up at that hairy yellow drumstick

101. I knew I needed a drink.

102. Patty, Selma, would you excuse me for a moment?

103. If you're going for a beer, this is the last one.

104. D'

105. I decided to mix

106. the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle.

107. In my haste,

108. I had grabbed a bottle of the kids' cough syrup.

109. It passed the first test...

110. I didn't go blind.

111. They say everyone can float in the Dead Sea,

112. but Selma sank right to the bottom.

113. I don't know the scientific explanation

114. but fire made it good.

115. Sounds like one hell of a drink.

116. What do you call it?

117. A Flaming Homer.

118. Okay. Why don't you make us up

119. a couple of Flaming Homers?

120. Hey, Moe, you got any cough syrup?

121. Let me check the lost and found. What do we got here?

122. Bowie knife, troll doll...

123. glass eye...

124. Here we are.

125. It's not without it's charm.

126. Try lighting it on fire.

127. Wow!

128. Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth

129. and everyone's invited.

130. Hey, your Love Tester's busted.

131. I want my nickel back.

132. Hey, buddy, have one on the house.

133. Hey, this drink is delicious

134. and my phlegm feels looser.

135. What do you call it?

136. Well, it's called a Flaming...

137. Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe.

138. That's right, a Flaming Moe.

139. My name is Moe, and I invented it.

140. That's why it's called a Flaming Moe.

141. What? What are you looking at, Homer?

142. It's a Flaming Moe. I'm Moe.

143. Oh!

144. - Hey, what's this? - A sneeze guard.

145. Wow, it really works!

146. Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded

147. since the government cracked down on you

148. for accepting food stamps.

149. Do you think my drink has something to do with it?

150. Who can say? It's probably a combination of things.

151. Another pitcher of those amazing Flaming Moes.

152. I hate this joint, but I love that drink.

153. Barkeep, I couldn't help noticing your sign.

154. The one that says "Bartenders do it 'til you barf"?

155. No. Above that store-bought drollery.

156. Great. Why don't we fill out an application.

157. I'll need your name, measurements, and turn-ons.

158. You really expect me to tell you my measurements?

159. You could, but I find this way

160. is much more accurate, and fun.

161. What do you offer in the way of salary?

162. Minimum wage and tips.

163. Of course, there are fringe benefits.

164. Such as?

165. An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe.

166. I'd prefer to take my vacation someplace hot.

167. I like your moxie, kid.

168. You're hired.

169. You shan't regret this.

170. Me thinks I shan't.

171. Pardon me, are you the genius behind the Flaming Moe?

172. - Why yes, I... - I'm your man.

173. My name's Harv Bannister.

174. I work for Tipsy McStagger's

175. Good Time Drinking and Eating Emporium.

176. Yeah? Hey, what's Mr. McStagger really like?

177. Actually, there is no Tipsy McStagger.

178. He's just a composite of other successful logos.

179. Well, you tell him for me

180. that he makes one great mozzarella stick.

181. Yes, fine, I will.

182. Anyway, I've got a proposition for you.

183. Keep talking.

184. We feel your Flaming Moe

185. is perfect for our restaurant chain.

186. We want to buy the recipe.

187. No dice. The Flaming Moe is not for sale.

188. Do you know how much of my blood and sweat

189. are in this drink?

190. Figure of speech.

191. Sorry, Harv.

192. I'll be back.

193. Good for you, Moe.

194. Only an idiot would give away

195. a million-dollar idea like that.

196. So the next time you use

197. a gas chromatograph,

198. remember to thank Mr. A.J.P. Morton.

199. Brilliant, Martin. Brilliant.

200. Once again you've wrecked the grading curve.

201. I pity the poor student who has to follow you.

202. Bart Simpson, you're next.

203. "The Inventor I Admire" by Bart Simpson.

204. The inventor I admire is not a rich man

205. or a famous man, or even a smart man.

206. He's my father, Homer Simpson,

207. the Flaming Homer!

208. The Flaming Homer?

209. You mean the Flaming Moe

210. and your dad didn't invent it, you wuss.

211. Moe the Bartender did.

212. Yes, everyone knows that.

213. It's not true.

214. My father invented that drink.

215. And if you'll allow me to demonstrate.

216. Bart, are those liquor bottles?

217. I brought enough for everybody.

218. Take those to the teachers' lounge.

219. You can have what's left at the end of the day.

220. Hey, Bernard!

221. Good evening, Krusty.

222. Nice to see you, Bernard.

223. Thank you very much. Right this way.

224. - Krusty, over here! - Krusty, one more!

225. What the...

226. Henceforth, this date shall forever be known

227. as Flaming Moe's Day.

228. Sir, this is already Veteran's Day.

229. It can be two things.

230. Mom, instead of milk for dinner, can I have a Virgin Moe?

231. Honey, what's wrong?

232. I'll tell you what's wrong.

233. That rotten Moe is getting rich off a recipe I gave him.

234. Take that off this second.

235. Okay.

236. Homie, why don't you just go down to Moe's

237. and talk to him?

238. I bet he'd be willing to share some of his success with you.

239. Nah.

240. Marge, I'm too upset to eat.

241. I think I'll go to Moe's.

242. D'

243. Hey!

244. Can I help you, sir?

245. I need to talk to Moe.

246. Your name's not on the list.

247. I didn't even tell you my name.

248. - Okay, what's your name? - Homer Simpson.

249. - Not on the list. - But...

250. We're all filled up. Fire laws!

251. Ladies and gentlemen,

252. some new buddies of mine stopped by tonight.

253. Maybe we can get them to come up here.

254. How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for...

255. Aerosmith!

256. - I don't think so, Moe. - Nah.

257. We're just hanging out.

258. Come on, guys. Free pickled eggs.

259. - All right! - Yeah!

260. Hello, St. Louis!

261. That's Springfield, Steven.

262. Yeah. Right.

263. Are you ready to rock?

264. Yeah!

265. I said, are you ready to rock!

266. - Yeah! - Hit it!

267. - Barney? - Hi, Homer.

268. I want you to meet my friends

269. Armando and Raffi.

270. Hey, Moe, come on. Get up here.

271. Hiya, scrumptious. Do you want to ignite my drink?

272. You're my kid's teacher.

273. Single parent, are we?

274. No.

275. Well, let's pretend you are.

276. Get away from me.

277. - Hey, Moe! - Hi, Homer.

278. How about a beer?

279. I'd rather have a Flaming Homer.

280. A what? I get it.

281. How could you do this to me, Moe?

282. This bar was going under,

283. and it was the drink I invented that saved it.

284. If there was any justice,

285. my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.

286. Morris, is what this man saying true?

287. Well, it's hard to say.

288. He may have come up with the recipe

289. but I came up with the idea

290. of charging $6.95 for it.

291. Telephone.

292. Flaming Moe's.

293. Yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine.

294. Last name: Jazz. First name: Hugh.

295. Hold on. I'll check.

296. Hugh Jazz?

297. Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jazz.

298. I'm Hugh Jazz.

299. Telephone.

300. Hello, this is Hugh Jazz.

301. Hi.

302. - Who's this? - Bart Simpson.

303. What can I do for you, Bart?

304. Look, I'll level with you mister.

305. This is a crank call that sorta backfired

306. and I'd like to bail out right now.

307. Alright. Better luck next time.

308. What a nice young man.

309. Homer, I'm sorry you're mad at me, but this isn't personal.

310. This is business.

311. Business?

312. Well, let me tell you something.

313. You just lost yourself a customer.

314. What? I'm sorry. Homer, I couldn't hear you.

315. I said, you just lost yourself a customer!

316. - What? - You just lost yourself a customer!

317. Homer, you're gonna have to speak up.

318. You just lost yourself a customer, Moe!

319. I forced myself to what?

320. You just lost yourself a customer!

321. Homer, I'll talk to ya' tomorrow.

322. You just lost yourself a customer!

323. Yeah, you can use it.

324. Barney!

325. How's the world treating you, Mr. Gumble?

326. Hey, there!

327. What can I do for you, Harv?

328. Well, sir, Tipsy McStagger would like to buy your drink.

329. He's here?

330. No, no, no.

331. I mean my company is willing to do what it takes

332. to get that recipe.

333. We're prepared to offer you $1 million.

334. Sorry, Harv, but like I told you before

335. it ain't for sale.

336. Don't be stupid!

337. We have a laboratory for this kind of thing.

338. We've got it all figured out, except for one ingredient.

339. Brace yourselves, gentlemen.

340. According to the gas chromatograph,

341. the secret ingredient is...

342. Love?

343. Who's been screwing with this thing?

344. I'm sorry, but the secret ingredient dies with me.

345. 30 cases of cough syrup.

346. Sign here.

347. I got hooked on this stuff in the service.

348. My new watering hole.

349. Yeah, what do you want?

350. - A beer. - Okay, then.

351. Can I have a clean glass?

352. Here you go, your majesty.

353. Next on "Eye on Springfield,"

354. a toast to Moe, the wizard of Walnut Street.

355. The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers

356. who were bartenders to the czar.

357. So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?

358. I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson

359. but you can't copyright a drink.

360. This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78.

361. How about that? I looked something up.

362. These books behind me don't just make the office look good.

363. They're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that.

364. Stupid Moe.

365. Non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed...

366. Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation

367. in the fact that something you created

368. is making so many people happy.

369. Ooh! Look at me.

370. I'm making people happy.

371. I'm the magical man from Happy Land

372. in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane.

373. By the way, I was being sarcastic.

374. Well, duh!

375. Now, that's what I call a happy hour.

376. Morris, something troubles me.

377. Don't worry baby.

378. My mother won't be home for another 20 minutes.

379. No. I was just thinking about Homer Simpson.

380. That's okay.

381. I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.

382. I meant, I think you should sell your drink

383. and give half the money to Homer.

384. But, honey...

385. He's your friend, Morris,

386. and you took advantage of him.

387. All right. All right.

388. I'll split the million with Homer.

389. Jeepers, Mary and Joseph!

390. I sleep with a chick once

391. it costs me half a million bananas.

392. Moe, Moe, Moe...

393. Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today?

394. Okay, but you promised me Moe money.

395. I Moe, I Moe.

396. Moe, Moe, Moe...

397. When Bart's done, can we Moe

398. to the Moevies? There's a Moetinee.

399. Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.

400. - Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe? - Moe Moe Moe.

401. Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe.

402. Moe Moe Moe Moe.

403. Moe.

404. Moe, Moe...

405. Moe...

406. Moe, Moe...

407. Moe...

408. Moe, Moe...

409. - Hey, Homer. - Hey, Homer.

410. Hey, Homer.

411. - Hey, Homer. - Hey, Homer.

412. - Hey, Homer. - Hey, Homer.

413. Aaaaahh!

414. Hiya, Homer!

415. What's the matter?

416. Aaaaaaahhh!

417. Hey, where's Joey?

418. Mrs. Krabappel,

419. I really need my drumsticks.

420. Come and get 'em!

421. You're going to be a rich man, Moe.

422. I gotta tell you. The way we usually work

423. in these situations is to steal the recipe

424. and run the inventor out of business.

425. C'est la vie.

426. What the...?

427. Fools!

428. You poor, pathetic

429. misguided creatures

430. choking down your Flaming Moes

431. all the time wondering, "How does he do it?"

432. Well, I'm going to tell you.

433. Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

434. The secret ingredient is...

435. Homer, no!

436. Cough syrup.

437. Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter

438. children's cough syrup.

439. Shoot.

440. Thank you, Mr. Nutball.

441. Got to go, Moe. Tough luck.

442. Aaaaaaaahhh!

443. Holy cow, you just fell

444. on Aerosmith!

445. Hey, Homer.

446. Come in here.

447. Hi, Moe.

448. Where's that waitress of yours?

449. She left to pursue a movie career.

450. Frankly, I think she was better off here.

451. Moe, sorry I lost you hundreds of thousands of dollars.

452. Hey, hey.

453. Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret.

454. I guess so.

455. Compliments of the house...

456. One Flaming... Homer.

457. Aw, thanks, Moe.

458. You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have.

459. Hey, do you think Aerosmith will be in tonight?

460. I doubt it.

461. Shh!

462. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.