The Simpsons 3x5

Directed by Mark Kirkland

Magic Johnson as himself (voice) • Chick Hearn as himself (voice) • Jon Lovitz as Artie Ziff (voice) / and various other minor characters. • Magic Johnson as Magic Johnson (voice) • Chick Hearn as Chick Hearn (voice) • Jon Lovitz as Avery Devereaux / Aristotle Amandopoulis (voice)

Homer's averting of a nuclear meltdown earns him employee-of-the-month honors--and a call from Magic Johnson; Milhouse's parents prohibit him from playing with Bart.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'

2. Aah!

3. I hold in my hand the final ax.

4. Heh...

5. Well, kids, that's all the time we have for today.

6. I'd like to thank Sideshow Mel,

7. Corporal Punishment, Tina Ballerina,

8. and from Knots Landing, Miss Donna Mills.

9. She was a sport.

10. See you some other time!

11. Great show, Krusty.

12. I really laughed when you...

13. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's my nicotine gum?

14. That's the stuff!

15. Damn, I'm exhausted.

16. Those kids were like ice out there.

17. You've got a 4:30 merchandising meeting.

18. - Cancel it! - Therapist?

19. - Cancel it! - Personal trainer?

20. - Cancel it! - The opening line on the Giants is 51/2.

21. Put a dime on it.

22. "Thank you" dinner with Bart Simpson?

23. I don't know any Bart Simpson.

24. Krusty, he's the boy who saved you from jail.

25. Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake.

26. Won't happen again.

27. Well, there was one boy who trusted me all along.

28. - Bart? - Yes, sir?

29. Thank you.

30. Yeah.

31. Cancel it!

32. - Hello? - Mrs. Simpson?

33. This is Lois Pennycandy,

34. Krusty the Clown's executive assistant.

35. Hello, Mrs. Pennycandy.

36. It's Miss Pennycandy, I can assure you.

37. I'm sorry to inform you

38. that Krusty will once again, not be joining Bart for dinner.

39. Dear, this is the fifth time he's cancelled.

40. How can he hurt someone who loves him so?

41. Mrs. Simpson,

42. I've wasted my womanhood asking that same question.

43. I apologize for him.

44. Something really important came up at the last minute.

45. Lousy mildew!

46. That's good enough.

47. Well, thank you for calling. Good-bye.

48. Okay, Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you down for?

49. - A hundred. - Consider it done.

50. Sweetie, I'm sorry

51. but Krusty isn't coming to dinner again.

52. Man.

53. "Dear Krusty, This is Bart Simpson,

54. "Krusty Buddy number 16302

55. "respectfully returning his badge.

56. "I always suspected that nothing in life mattered.

57. "Now I know for sure.

58. Get bent. Bart Simpson."

59. Ooh, sex-chat!

60. You've reached the party line.

61. In a moment, you'll be connected to a hot party

62. with some of the world's most beautiful women.

63. Now let's join the party.

64. Hello?

65. Hello?

66. Hello?

67. Are there any women here?

68. Hello?

69. Are you a beautiful woman?

70. Do I sound like a beautiful woman?

71. This is not as hot a party as I had anticipated.

72. Read this!

73. I, um...

74. uh...

75. "Dee..."...

76. "deee..."

77. "Dear...

78. "Krus-s-s-t...

79. Why..?"

80. It says that the little boy

81. who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you.

82. Krusty, you are going to Bart Simpson's house for dinner tonight!

83. But I have plans. Hey! Not the face!

84. Why, you maddening, impossible man!

85. If you don't go tonight,

86. I won't be here tomorrow.

87. All right, I'll go.

88. Krusty!

89. But I sure hate missing Schnapps Night at the Friar's Club.

90. Bart, wipe your feet.

91. Why bother?

92. They'll just get dirty again.

93. I've got some good news.

94. Krusty the Clown is coming to dinner tonight.

95. - He is? For sure? - Yes.

96. God bless that clown.

97. You think it's him?

98. Hi, kids!

99. Hey, hey!

100. Cute kid.

101. Hi, Bart.

102. I was just in the neighborhood...

103. What? Krusty the Clown!

104. What a surprise!

105. Milhouse, you can come in, and drop the charade.

106. Whoa!

107. Krusty, you don't have to be on tonight.

108. What are you talking about?

109. Of course, he does.

110. No, Dad. Krusty is our guest.

111. Your pratfalls and Punchinello antics

112. aren't necessary here.

113. Really?

114. Yeah. Just relax and be yourself.

115. That's a relief.

116. Go wait in the car.

117. Aw! We could have seen a monkey.

118. Who wants to say grace?

119. Why don't we let our guest do it.

120. Bless us, Lord...

121. Hey!

122. Krusty, would you do the honors?

123. Well, all right.

124. I'm a little rusty, but, um... I'll try.

125. Baruch ata adonai

126. eloheinu melech ha-olam

127. ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz.

128. He's talking funny talk.

129. No, Dad, that's Hebrew.

130. Krusty must be Jewish.

131. A Jewish entertainer? Get out of here!

132. Dad, there are many prominent Jewish entertainers

133. including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner,

134. and Mel Brooks.

135. Mel Brooks is Jewish?

136. Krusty, are you all right?

137. Yes, it's just that saying the Brucha brings back

138. a lot of painful memories.

139. The old days...

140. my... my father.

141. Hey, Krusty, you going to finish

142. that meat loaf, or what?

143. Poor Krusty.

144. He's like a black velvet painting come to life.

145. Krusty, why don't you tell us what's wrong?

146. You'll feel better.

147. - Yeah, spill your guts, man. - Yeah, yeah, come on.

148. Krusty, tell us.

149. Well, okay.

150. First of all,

151. my real name isn't Krusty the Clown.

152. It's Herschel Krustofski.

153. My father was a rabbi.

154. His father was a rabbi.

155. His father's father... Well, you get the idea.

156. My father was the most respected man

157. in the lower east side of Springfield.

158. People would come from miles around

159. to ask his advice.

160. Reb Krustofski, should I finish college?

161. Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.

162. Rabbi, should I have another child?

163. Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

164. Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

165. Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

166. Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

167. Yes... for great is the car with power steering

168. and Dyna-Flo suspension.

169. Papa?

170. When I grow up, can I be a clown?

171. No! A clown is not respected member of the community.

172. But I wanna make people laugh.

173. Herschel, life is not fun. Life is serious.

174. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying.

175. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing.

176. - But, Papa... - But nothing!

177. You'll do as I say

178. or you'll get such a zetz

179. that you won't even know what hit you.

180. Dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps,

181. but the pull of clowning was too strong.

182. I got my first big laughs at Yeshiva

183. impersonating my father.

184. Blah, blah, blah... Moses! Blah, blah, blah...

185. Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

186. Don't worry.

187. I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

188. Why, you little...!

189. Krusty, please continue.

190. Okay.

191. My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug,

192. but it was no use.

193. What are you doing in that bathroom?

194. Go away.

195. Open the door this instant!

196. - Oy, gevalt! - Close the door!

197. Then came my big break.

198. A Talmudic conference in the Catskills,

199. and I was the entertainment.

200. But the Lord works in mysterious ways.

201. Do you know that my son, Herschel,

202. was first in his Yeshiva class.

203. As a matter of fact, he was voted

204. the most likely to hear God.

205. Go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again.

206. You're so proud of your son.

207. A rabbi would never exaggerate.

208. A rabbi composes. He creates thoughts.

209. He tells stories that may never have happened,

210. but he does not exaggerate.

211. My father would have never suspected a thing

212. were it not for one, rowdy rabbi.

213. Hey, funny man!

214. No, no, no!

215. Herschel?

216. Herschel, oy vey iz mir!

217. You have brought shame on our family.

218. If you were a musician or a jazz singer

219. this I could forgive, but this?

220. I never want to see you again...

221. you... you clown!

222. I haven't seen my father since.

223. That is so sad.

224. Krusty, do you think about your father a lot?

225. All the time.

226. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business.

227. Look...

228. Aww...

229. Look at you, Bart.

230. Isn't that fun!

231. Ooh, hey! Whoa!

232. Fourth of July.

233. I can't believe that little boy in the pictures is you, Bart.

234. Yeah. I got a lot of fond memories.

235. Well, look at the time. Almost midnight.

236. Do you have any yearbooks?

237. No, that's it. You've seen everything.

238. So, Milhouse, know any "knock, knock" jokes?

239. I want to go home.

240. Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home.

241. Gladly.

242. Wow! The Concert For Bangladesh.

243. Good night, Krusty.

244. Sorry about your Dad.

245. Don't worry about me... I'm a survivor.

246. Hey, did I leave my keys inside?

247. No!

248. Yeah. Here they are.

249. Academy Award Playhouse

250. now returns you to

251. "Hercules Versus the Martians."

252. Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules. Heh-heh.

253. Hello? Hello? Anybody there?

254. What's this? I hear a phone ring,

255. and all of a sudden, there's nothing.

256. I'm listening, and there's no talking.

257. Hello. Mister? Who are ya'?

258. Why would they call ya if they don't want to talk to ya?

259. Hee-hee-hee!

260. Aahh!

261. Didn't Itchy Junior look happy

262. playing with his father?

263. And didn't Scratchy Junior look happy

264. playing with his Dad

265. until they got run over by the thresher?

266. Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon?

267. For the love of God, cut to a commercial!

268. Poor Krusty!

269. The man who envies our family

270. is the man who needs help.

271. We've got to do something.

272. Let's move.

273. Reverend Lovejoy,

274. we need you to help us find a rabbi.

275. Well, before you make any rash decisions,

276. let me just remind you that the church is changing

277. to meet the needs of today's young Christians.

278. No, no. We're not converting.

279. We just want to find a Rabbi Krustofski.

280. Rabbi Krustofski. Wh...

281. I do a radio call-in show with him every Sunday night.

282. - Really? - I didn't know that.

283. I mention it in my sermon every week.

284. That radio show.

285. Yeah, it's all the kids talk about

286. on Monday at school.

287. Well, why don't you have a free T-shirt?

288. You'll be the coolest kids on the playground.

289. We'll put them on later.

290. Now, can you give us the rabbi's address?

291. Sure thing.

292. Let me check my non-Christian Rolodex.

293. I bet the rabbi misses Krusty.

294. He'll be so happy, he'll be crying in his beard.

295. Yes, yes.

296. Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofski?

297. What can I do for you, my young friend?

298. We came to talk to you about your son.

299. I have no son!

300. Great, we came all this way, and it's the wrong guy.

301. I didn't mean that literally!

302. And, in order to keep our broadcasting license,

303. we devote Sunday night dead time

304. to public service shows of limited appeal.

305. In that spirit, we bring you Gabbin' About God,

306. sponsored by Ace Religious Supply, where they say

307. "If we don't got it, it ain't holy."

308. With us tonight, once again, our very own three wise men,

309. Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, Monsignor Kenneth Daly

310. and Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.

311. - Good to see you again. - Nice to see you.

312. Okay, our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.

313. Yes, hi. With all the suffering and injustice in the world,

314. do you ever wonder if God really exists?

315. - No. - Not for a second.

316. Not at all.

317. Great. Good conversation there.

318. Our next call now is for the good rabbi.

319. Hello?

320. Anybody there?

321. I hear breathing, but I don't hear talking.

322. What's going on here? Hello, mister? Hello? Hello?

323. Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up.

324. There's all kinds of mishagoyim in the world.

325. Okay, let's clear the board. Our next caller is

326. a young boy from right here in Springfield.

327. Hello. My name is Dmitri.

328. I'm a first-time caller, long-time listener.

329. My question is...

330. if a son defies his father and chooses a career

331. that makes millions of children happy,

332. shouldn't the father forgive the son?

333. - I think so. - Yes, of course.

334. No way! Absolutely not! Never, never!

335. Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge?

336. They leave a building without people watching it? And anybody...

337. Don't worry, Lis, I got a plan that can't fail.

338. Yiddle, my man, you're a genius.

339. I love my work.

340. The best charity is to give and not let other people know.

341. But what if your example encourages others to give?

342. Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofski,

343. don't you think it's time you forgave your son?

344. Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart!

345. He turned his back on our traditions,

346. on our faith, and on me.

347. Get out of here, you little pisher.

348. Oy, this guy's tough.

349. Bart, we're gonna have to outsmart him.

350. I don't know. He's pretty sharp.

351. He saw right through this disguise.

352. What? Saul Bellow?

353. The Nobel Prize-winning Jewish novelist?

354. He wants to have lunch with me?

355. Ha ha! It's a date.

356. Izzy's Deli, 1:00. I'll be there.

357. The French government

358. wants to give me the Legion of Honor?

359. Where do I receive this prestigious award?

360. Izzy's Deli, 1:00.

361. Thank you, Monsieur President.

362. Au revoir.

363. Are you kids ready to order yet?

364. Sorry, no.

365. Just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles.

366. Watch how fast I go.

367. And for you, sir?

368. I want a nice sandwich, but the Joey Bishop...

369. Too fatty.

370. The Jackie Mason... I don't know. Sauerkraut makes me gassy.

371. The Bruce Willis?

372. I don't even like his work.

373. What is this... A Krusty the Clown?

374. Ham, sausage and bacon, with a smidge of mayo.

375. - What? - On white bread.

376. Listen! You tell Mr. Saul Bellow

377. the Nobel Prize-winning Jewish novelist

378. that I lost my appetite.

379. Could you direct me to President Francois Mitterand's table?

380. You think you're funny?

381. 50 million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

382. Bart, we've been going about this all wrong.

383. What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else?

384. Those stupid hats?

385. No, Bart... knowledge.

386. We're gonna hit him where it hurts...

387. Right in the Judaica.

388. Glub, glub, glub.

389. "Noah, Noah, save us, save us!"

390. "No!"

391. This looks good, Bart.

392. Take it to him.

393. You I told to go away.

394. But... But Rabbi, does it not say in the Babylonian Talmud,

395. and I quote:

396. "A child should be pushed aside with the left hand

397. and drawn closer with the right."?

398. Yes.

399. Then doesn't your religion command you

400. to make up with Krusty?

401. But in Exodus, the Fifth Commandment says,

402. "Honor thy father and thy mother."

403. End of story.

404. - It's hopeless. - Not quite.

405. I got some dynamite stuff from Rabbi Simon Ben-Eliazar.

406. "At all times let a man be supple as a reed

407. and not rigid as a cedar."

408. Bart, my short, learned friend, the Book of Joshua says,

409. "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

410. Is it not written in the Talmud,

411. "Who will bring redemption?

412. The jesters."

413. Sorry my friend, I'm still not convinced,

414. and this is hardly the time or place to discuss it.

415. Here you go, Bart.

416. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do

417. without learning ancient Hebrew.

418. Bart, I am not gonna learn ancient Hebrew.

419. Rabbi, did not a great man say,

420. and I quote, "The Jews are a swinging bunch of people.

421. "I mean, I've heard of persecution

422. "but what they went through is ridiculous.

423. "But the great thing is after thousands of years

424. "of waiting and holding on and fighting,

425. they finally made it."

426. End quote.

427. I never heard the plight of my people

428. phrased so eloquently.

429. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?

430. - Nope. - Judah the Pious?

431. - Nope. - Maimonides?

432. - Nope - Ooh, I got it!

433. - The Dead Sea Scrolls! - I'm afraid not, Rabbi.

434. It's from "Yes, I Can," by Sammy Davis, Jr.

435. An entertainer, like your son.

436. The Candy Man?

437. If a performer can think that way,

438. maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem.

439. All the years of joy that I've lost.

440. Why? Because of my stubborn ways.

441. There, there, Rabbi.

442. It's not too late.

443. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

444. Hi, kids.

445. Today's show's gonna be

446. the funniest, side-splittingest cavalcade of...

447. Aw, the hell with it.

448. Roll the cartoon.

449. Yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart.

450. Hey, such a filthy habit.

451. Who asked you? Father?

452. - Son. - Papa!

453. - Herschel! - Daddy!

454. Boychick!

455. Daddy!

456. You're on, Krusty.

457. Boys and girls,

458. I'd like to be serious for a moment, if I may.

459. Spotlight, please.

460. I just wanted...

461. I just want... Come on, guys.

462. I'm not doing the spotlight bit.

463. Let's have a warm Krusty welcome for my estranged father

464. Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.

465. Lenny,

466. a little reconciliation music, if you please.

467. Come on, Dad.

468. You know the words.

469. I got something in my eye.

470. Here, take my hankie.

471. We haven't seen each other in 25 years!

472. I love you, son.

473. I love you, too, Daddy.

474. Oy, a klop tsu deer!

475. Shh!

476. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.