The Simpsons 3x23

1. D'

2. Aah!

3. Forgot there was a physical today?

4. Yeah.

5. Hey, Homer, can I borrow your underwear?

6. Nah.

7. This can't be right.

8. This man has 104% body fat.

9. Hey, no eating in the tank.

10. Go to hell.

11. How was your day at work, dear?

12. The usual... Stand in front of this.

13. Open that. Pull down this.

14. Bend over. Spread apart that.

15. Turn your head that way. Cough.

16. Sir, I'm afraid

17. Homer Simpson is sterile.

18. - Who? - One of your cabbageheads from sector 7-G.

19. Take a look at this sperm sample from his recent physical.

20. Eww.

21. Now, compare this with a normal sperm sample.

22. Yes.

23. I'm afraid radiation from the plant

24. is the reason he's shooting blanks.

25. He could sue us for millions.

26. Mother of pearl. Call my lawyers!

27. Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you.

28. I want your legal advice.

29. I even pay for it,

30. but to me, you're all vipers.

31. You live on personal injury, you live on divorces.

32. You live on pain and misery!

33. But I'm rambling.

34. Anybody want any coffee?

35. I'll have some coffee.

36. Want it black, don't you?

37. Black like your heart.

38. It's so hard for me to listen to you.

39. I hate you all so much!

40. I'm sorry. It's my problem.

41. I'll deal with it. Please continue.

42. If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum... Say a couple thou,

43. he'll be so dazzled,

44. he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.

45. Brilliant. A cash settlement.

46. I could have figured that out, you button-down maggot!

47. - Do you have any cream? - Yes, of course.

48. Where are my manners?

49. Yeah, I used to be rich.

50. I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors.

51. Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down.

52. I said, "Look, I'll change the logo,

53. put Mickey's pants back on."

54. Some guys you just can't reason with.

55. Well, I used to own a successful car company.

56. My strategy was giving them Japanese names.

57. You guys ever drive a Tempura hatchback?

58. - Yeah. - Sure.

59. Yeah, I got hit by one of those.

60. Yeah, life was sweet.

61. Then I found out I had a long-lost half brother.

62. - Homer? - Herb?

63. I let him design a car that would

64. make or break my company.

65. Presenting the Homer.

66. I'm ruined!

67. Forbes magazine called it:

68. Little overblown, don't you think?

69. What about New Coke?

70. Hey! I invented that.

71. Yeah, but all that's in the past

72. because this is America, and in America,

73. you're never finished as long as you've got a brain in your head,

74. because all a man really needs is an idea.

75. - Well, I'm licked. - Me too.

76. And now, the next event

77. in our living room olympics,

78. the always controversial couch vault.

79. I do this for Stainmaster Carpets,

80. proud sponsor of the living room olympics.

81. What the hell are you two...

82. My couch!

83. The arms, the seat...

84. the dream is over.

85. All right, who did this?

86. We were just sitting on the couch quietly chatting

87. when we heard a creaking noise.

88. We leapt off just in time to see it collapse.

89. There, there,

90. you're safe now, little sister.

91. Well, why did this have to happen now during prime time

92. when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?

93. Good-bye, old girl.

94. We've had a lot of great memories.

95. That's right. I shot J.R.

96. Except for huge gaps in the western states,

97. Hands Across America was a complete success.

98. Well, I never thought I'd see it.

99. They're dancing on the Berlin Wall.

100. These live and lively lovers of liberation...

101. Boring.

102. Sorry I ruined your date, Sergeant Carter.

103. Pyle!

104. Well, friend, you're going back where you came from,

105. the curb in front of Flanders's house.

106. Now, let's see.

107. I need an idea.

108. Idea... idea!

109. What's the matter with me?

110. I used to have hundreds of ideas.

111. What do you want?

112. I just changed your diaper.

113. Are you hungry?

114. Are you cold?

115. Do you want to go home?

116. Lady, you just gave me

117. the idea of a lifetime.

118. - How do I thank you? - Please don't hurt me.

119. Consider it done.

120. Hey, pal, I heard about the couch.

121. Yeah, you gonna be okay?

122. Yeah. You know, my life just can't get any worse.

123. That's right.

124. There's no way my life could possibly get any worse.

125. Simpson, report to Mr. Burns's office at once.

126. D'

127. Is this the one with the lazy sperm?

128. Simpson, you big, virile son of a gun,

129. how would you like a check for $2,000?

130. - Would I! - All you have to do

131. is sign this form.

132. Wait a minute.

133. I'm not signing anything until I read it

134. or somebody gives me the gist of it.

135. Ooh. All right.

136. Well, it just explains that you've...

137. won... Yes, that's it...

138. Won the first annual...

139. Montgomery Burns...

140. Award for...

141. Outstanding Achievement in the Field of...

142. Excellence.

143. Don't I get some kind of trophy?

144. And a big award ceremony?

145. Yes. That was Bonita Dewolf

146. from the Springfield Nuclear Plant Soft-Shoe Society.

147. This award is the biggest farce I ever saw.

148. What about the Emmys?

149. I stand corrected.

150. And now, to present the award

151. here's former heavyweight champion

152. Smokin' Joe Frazier.

153. Webster's Dictionary defines excellence

154. as "The quality or condition of being excellent."

155. And now the winner

156. of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award

157. for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

158. Please, please, please, please...

159. Dad, you know you won.

160. Don't jinx it.

161. The winner: Homer Simpson.

162. My God!

163. Woo-hoo! I win!

164. Hey!

165. MWah, mwah, mwah...

166. Keep those pickled eggs coming, Moe.

167. You cleaned me out, Smokin' Joe.

168. What's the matter, Homer?

169. Cummerbund too tight?

170. I miss my couch.

171. I know how you feel. You lost the couch.

172. I lost the heavyweight championship.

173. Heavyweight championship.

174. There's like three of those.

175. That couch was one of a kind.

176. Homer, I know things are tough now,

177. but one day, you'll be walking along

178. and you'll see a piece of furniture

179. you can love just as much.

180. Hey, Frazier, shut up!

181. Barney, you been riding my back all night.

182. Yeah? Care to step outside?

183. Let's do it.

184. I think I'm going to take a walk.

185. All right! A peanut.

186. I'm telling you, all a man needs is an idea,

187. and I've got an idea.

188. Then how come you're still a bum?

189. All right. A man needs two things:

190. An idea and money to get it off the ground.

191. Hello, what's this?

192. Any of you guys know

193. which freight goes to Springfield?

194. No.

195. No.

196. That's the one!

197. I feel so empty, so alone, so couchless.

198. Wow! The Spinemelter 2000.

199. Give me full power.

200. - But, sir... - Damn it!

201. I said full power.

202. Dad? Dad?

203. I'll take it.

204. This chair is $2,000.

205. We can buy a whole living room set for that.

206. Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me.

207. I tried to fill it with family, religion

208. community service, but those were dead ends.

209. I think this chair is the answer.

210. This money was a blessing.

211. We can't just spend it on some creature comfort.

212. All right, we won't get the chair.

213. Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

214. Yes?

215. Sorry, I must have the wrong house.

216. Ho, that's where you're wrong, friend.

217. Aren't we in luck? Today's our tithe day,

218. and we've got ourselves a transient.

219. Come in, my friend. Let us feed and bathe you.

220. Hey, wait a minute.

221. Dad, can I anoint the sores on his feet?

222. I think it's Mom's turn, son.

223. No fair.

224. Thanks for the suit.

225. Well, if you ever want to spend the night,

226. Maude and I can sleep on card tables.

227. They're singing again.

228. Lousy neighbors. Wish I was deaf.

229. What am I gonna say?

230. This is the guy who ruined me.

231. But on the other hand, he's family.

232. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?

233. Herb?

234. Uncky herb!

235. Bart! Lisa!

236. I'm so glad to see you.

237. You weren't so glad to see me.

238. I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you.

239. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face.

240. Well, while you're a guest in my home,

241. could you just kick me in the butt?

242. I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

243. Herb! How have you been?

244. I've been living in a cardboard box,

245. sleeping on grates, eating out of dumpsters. You?

246. Can't complain.

247. Herb, let me give you the grand tour.

248. This is one of our many light switches.

249. It functions in both the on and off mode.

250. On, off. On, off.

251. Homer, he knows how to work a light switch.

252. Yeah, right.

253. I don't know what's this switch does.

254. This is really good, Marge.

255. I got the recipe from the Utility Grade Beef Council.

256. They do good work.

257. Uncky Herb, what advice would you give to a boy

258. who will most likely become a bum like yourself?

259. Discarded pizza boxes

260. are an inexpensive source of cheese.

261. Lisa, aren't you happy to see me?

262. Why didn't you write, Unky Herb?

263. Hey, if I wrote to you what was I supposed to say?

264. "Dear Lisa, last night

265. I used a rat for a pillow thanks to your pop"?

266. I see your point.

267. Maggie, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

268. You're gonna make me rich again.

269. Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

270. One, two, three... Ventnor Avenue.

271. And while on Ventnor Avenue

272. you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel Lisa.

273. A valet will be around shortly

274. to park your thimble.

275. Of course, there is the unpleasant matter of the bill.

276. Get to the point.

277. 1150 bones.

278. That's all I got.

279. Broke again, Herb? Just like in real life.

280. I guess you're just not much of a businessman.

281. Maybe we should play another game.

282. Why are we playing games when we got two grand in the bank?

283. Remember when Dad won the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award

284. For Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?

285. Well, I think we should invest

286. in a set of the "Great Books of Western Civilization."

287. Look at this ad from New Republic for Kids.

288. "Each month, a new classic will be delivered to our door."

289. "'Paradise Regained, ' Martin Chuzzlewit

290. or Herman Melville's twin classics, 'Omoo " and 'Typee.'"

291. Wait, Marge, didn't you want to spend that money on a vibrating chair?

292. That was your idea.

293. I think we should get a machine gun.

294. We could use it to hunt game, spell out things,

295. or ring in the new year.

296. Well, I really think

297. we need to replace the washer and dryer.

298. How would you like to spend $2,000

299. to give a broken man a second chance?

300. - Nah. - Wait, Herb,

301. what are you talking about?

302. Buh, buh, buh, buh... Not here.

303. Come into the dining room.

304. I wanna give you a 20-minute presentation

305. that will change the world.

306. 20 minutes?

307. Okay, now before I tell you about my idea,

308. I'd like to show you this.

309. It's drinking the water!

310. Take it easy, Homer.

311. Now, this is an example

312. of how one little idea, carefully marketed...

313. This is the greatest invention in the world.

314. You'll make a million dollars.

315. No, Homer, that invention is out already.

316. I'm just using it as an example.

317. It's going back for more.

318. Homer, this is my invention.

319. Now of course, with these blueprints,

320. you'll have to use your imagination.

321. What the...

322. It's a baby translator.

323. It measures the pitch,

324. the frequency, and the urgency of a baby's cries.

325. Then it tells whoever's around, in plain English,

326. exactly what the baby is trying to say.

327. Everything from "change me"

328. to "turn off that damn Raffi record."

329. Ooh! That's a very clever idea.

330. All I need is a couple of thousand dollars

331. to build a prototype.

332. You'll have your money back

333. in 30 days, I swear.

334. I think we owe a debt to Uncky Herb.

335. He took us in to his home and Dad destroyed him.

336. Dad, you know some shyster's gonna bilk you out of your money.

337. It may as well be your brother.

338. All right, Herb, I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks,

339. but you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.

340. - No. - Okay, then

341. just give me the drinking bird.

342. Let's see, what could you be trying to say?

343. Nothing downstairs.

344. You just took a nap.

345. "I want to suck your nose."

346. Hooga-booga, hooga-booga, hooga-booga.

347. "I'm scared."

348. The amplitude of the sine wave

349. is insufficient for "burp me,"

350. and this sawtooth formation is something I've nev...

351. Blah!

352. Eureka.

353. Now, I bet you're all wondering

354. what lies under this sheet.

355. Not really. We peeked inside while you were in the john.

356. Well, here it is again...

357. my baby translator.

358. Ooh!

359. Marge, you don't have to humor me.

360. Well, it's pretty ingrained.

361. What do you think, Homer?

362. Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

363. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it,

364. when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.

365. Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?

366. I try, but I can't.

367. Lavish attention on me and entertain me.

368. Maggie, you talked!

369. You see? It tells you exactly

370. what's on the baby's mind.

371. Maggie. Maggie.

372. Where did you go?

373. Peek-a-boo!

374. There you are. Very amusing.

375. Well, Homer, now what do you think?

376. I don't know, Herb.

377. People are afraid of new things.

378. You should have taken an existing product

379. and put a clock in it or something.

380. Homer, every mother in the country

381. is going to want one of these.

382. I have soiled myself. How embarrassing.

383. I gave Herb all the money I had in the world,

384. and he still treats me like something he dug out of his ear.

385. Don't worry, he can't stay mad at you forever.

386. He is your brother.

387. But when is he going to act like it?

388. This radio-controlled plane

389. gives your baby the chance to fly,

390. just like my son here.

391. He can execute the barrel roll, the loop-de-loop,

392. Then bring it in for the perfect landing.

393. Dear.

394. My wife is going to kill me.

395. I only want to eat candy.

396. Then that's all you'll get.

397. This leash demeans us both.

398. - I'll take two! - I'll take a dozen!

399. I represent the Precious Baby discount stores.

400. I'll take 50,000!

401. I'm rich again!

402. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

403. U.S.A.!

404. Homer, here's a check for $2,000.

405. But I also wanted to give you each a little something

406. for believing in me.

407. Lisa, this is the first volume

408. of "The Great Books of Western Civilization."

409. You'll receive a new one every month,

410. from "Beowulf" to "Less than Zero".

411. Finally a copy of "Ethan Frome" to call my own.

412. Now Bart, I know you're too young

413. for that machine gun you wanted,

414. but I'm gonna give you something

415. that will make sure when you're old enough,

416. you can still buy one...

417. a membership in the National Rifle Association.

418. Wow! The N.R.A.!

419. Can I get armor-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets too?

420. It's in the Constitution, son.

421. Maggie, who brought me my fortune,

422. I'll give you anything you want in this world.

423. I want what the dog's eating.

424. - D' - I'll get you something nice.

425. Now, Marge...

426. Herb, I appreciate your generosity,

427. but I don't need any gift from you.

428. You're too late, Marge.

429. I got you a new washer and dryer,

430. and I sold the old ones for 50 bucks.

431. Go, go go!

432. Come on, washer!

433. You stupid dryer!

434. Herb, I don't think

435. there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me.

436. Homer, walk me to my car.

437. What do I get? What do I get?

438. It's not another punch in the face, is it?

439. Because if it is, I don't want it.

440. This is what you get, Homer.

441. I forgive you.

442. You can call me brother, and I can do the same.

443. - That's it? - That's it.

444. I see your point... brother.

445. Give me a hug... brother.

446. All right...

447. but I never really hugged a man before.

448. Homer, I bought you the damn chair.

449. Come on, come on, come on.

450. Go on, go on, that's enough.

451. All right, get out of here.

452. Shh!

453. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.