The Simpsons 3x22

Directed by Wes Archer

Michael McKean as David St. Hubbins / Jerry Rude (voice) • Christopher Guest as Nigel Tufnel (voice) • Michael McKean as David St. Hubbins (voice)

Spinal Tap hits Springfield, and Otto the bus driver hits the skids after being fired, taking refuge in the Simpsons' garage.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'

2. Aah!

3. Why, you little...!

4. What the...? D'

5. Hey, Bart, look at this.

6. My dad took me to Circus of Values last night

7. and said I could get anything I wanted.

8. Cool... An oversize novelty billiard ball.

9. Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future.

10. Really?

11. Will I pass my English test?

12. "Outlook not so good."

13. Wow, it does work!

14. Let me try.

15. Will... I get beat up today?

16. "All signs point to yes."

17. That ball knows everything.

18. Hey, I got a good one.

19. Will Milhouse and I be friends

20. till we're toothless old men

21. with hair coming out of our ears?

22. "Don't count on it."

23. Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts

24. living off Uncle Sucker?

25. "It looks doubtful."

26. Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?

27. What could come between two bestest buddies like us?

28. Samantha, I've always been suspicious

29. of transfer students.

30. Other principals try to unload problem cases that way.

31. Lord knows I do.

32. I'm a good student, Principal Skinner.

33. Yeah, sure, and they told me I'd get a big parade

34. when I got back from 'Nam.

35. Instead, they spat on me.

36. I can still feel it searing.

37. So, let's just see

38. what the permanent record has to say, shall we?

39. No detention, fairly good attendance record...

40. I see you beat that bed-wetting problem in the second grade.

41. That's in there?

42. Don't worry. They'll forget...

43. just like they forgot about me

44. in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months.

45. Every night I wake up screaming.

46. Well, let's meet your classmates.

47. Hey, Bart, was this thing right about your test?

48. To those who doubt the power of the magic eight ball

49. I say, behold my "F".

50. Attention, class.

51. I have a new student for you.

52. Great, another student.

53. Just keep packing them in, Seymour.

54. I think we should discuss this later, Edna.

55. Now, it's never easy to come to a new school,

56. so let's make her feel right at home.

57. Please say a big elementary school hello

58. to Samantha Stinky.

59. Stanky.

60. Right.

61. How embarrassing for you.

62. Well, good-bye.

63. I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear.

64. So, why don't you

65. stand up in front of the class and tell us about yourself?

66. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.

67. We just moved here from Phoenix.

68. My dad's owns a home security company.

69. He came to Springfield because of its high crime rate

70. and lackluster police force.

71. All my friends are back in Phoenix

72. and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to

73. but I'm not.

74. It'll take you about six weeks, dear.

75. Hey, Milhouse, would you like a Wet Willie?

76. Sure.

77. Eww!

78. Victim number four.

79. Hey, Louis, can I interest you in a Wet Willie?

80. Sure... Aah!

81. When I find out who hit me with that ball

82. I'm gonna tear them a new...

83. Whoa!

84. Class, in order to explain why your hormones

85. will soon make you an easy target

86. for every smooth-talking lothario

87. with his own car and tight jeans,

88. I will now show a short sex education film.

89. Ezekiel and Ishmael,

90. in accordance with your parents' wishes

91. you may step out into the hall

92. and pray for our souls.

93. Hello. I'm actor Troy McClure.

94. You kids might remember me from such educational films

95. as "Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly"

96. and "Here Comes the Metric System."

97. I'm here to provide the facts about sex

98. in a frank and straightforward manner.

99. And now, here's...

100. This is Fuzzy Bunny.

101. About a year ago

102. he noticed his voice was changing,

103. he had terrible acne,

104. and had fur where there was no fur before.

105. He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.

106. Boring.

107. Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park,

108. the ice cream social, the boat show,

109. and various other wholesome activities,

110. and they never ruined their fun

111. by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.

112. Then came the big day.

113. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married.

114. That night came the honeymoon.

115. Eww!

116. She's faking it.

117. The most satisfying part of the night

118. was knowing that they waited.

119. Nine months later

120. Fluffy gave birth to 14 beautiful bunnies.

121. Eight survive.

122. And now that you know how it's done...

123. don't do it.

124. - Any questions? - Mrs. Krabappel,

125. how come you don't live with Mr. Krabappel?

126. Because Mr. Krabappel

127. chased something small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.

128. How do we know when we fall in love?

129. Don't you worry.

130. Most of you will never fall in love

131. and marry out of fear of dying alone.

132. How would I go about creating

133. a half man, half monkey-type creature?

134. I'm sorry, that would be playing God.

135. God, shmod... I want my monkey man.

136. That's a nice dress.

137. My dad makes me wear it.

138. I hate it.

139. Well, I hate it too.

140. - Can I walk you home? - Okay.

141. Everybody on.

142. No shoving.

143. Just kidding.

144. You can shove all you want.

145. Hey, wait, Otto man, you can't leave.

146. Milhouse isn't here yet.

147. Sorry, Bart dude, no time.

148. My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar

149. from 4:15 to 4:20.

150. Hey, Bart.

151. Milhouse, what a pleasant surprise.

152. Hi.

153. Hey, what's with the skirt?

154. I've brought friends to this tree house before.

155. Yeah, but never a girl.

156. What if I want to strut around nude?

157. Maybe I should go.

158. No, that's okay, you can stay.

159. You can read comics with us.

160. Let's see, something for the lady...

161. "Radioactive Man vs. The Swamp Hag".

162. Got any girl comics

163. like "Bonnie Crane, Girl Attorney,"

164. "Punkin and Dunkin, the Twinkle Twins,"

165. or "Li'l Knee Socks"?

166. No, but my sister's got a wide selection

167. of crappy comics.

168. Eww!

169. You guys want to see something gross?

170. Tonight on Smartline:

171. "I'm okay. You're too fat."

172. Here's your host, Kent Brockman.

173. Good evening.

174. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese?

175. Taken together that excess blubber

176. could fill the Grand Canyon two-fifths of the way up.

177. That may not sound impressive

178. but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon.

179. This sucks. Where's that channel changer?

180. I'll give it a chance.

181. Americans have grown up

182. with the image of the jolly fat man...

183. Dom Deluise

184. Alfred Hitchcock, and, of course,

185. Santa Claus.

186. But in real life

187. Santa would be suffering from gall stones,

188. hypertension, impotence, and diabetes.

189. I wish they had never invented fried cheese.

190. We got to widen the hole.

191. Make it snappy... The chain's starting to give.

192. We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef...

193. Ooh!

194. And soak it in rich creamery butter.

195. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg.

196. We call it The Good Morning burger.

197. I've got to help him.

198. Okay, Milhouse,

199. I'll trade your Carl Yastrzemski baseball card

200. for my Omar Vzocel. Deal.

201. Next on the trading block, your Mickey Mantle, 1958,

202. for my picture of Homer on the couch.

203. Milhouse, I've got to go.

204. My dad thinks I'm having my braces examined.

205. Well, you kind of sort of are.

206. Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties.

207. I can't believe the risk you're running.

208. Besides, what's so great about kissing?

209. Bart, it's not just the kissing.

210. A lot of it is waiting to kiss.

211. You know, like when you open an Eskimo Pie

212. and you wait just a little bit for it to melt?

213. But she doesn't melt.

214. Yes, she does.

215. We start with pure milk chocolate...

216. Chocolate...

217. add a layer of farm-fresh honey...

218. Sweet.

219. Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar...

220. and dip it in rich creamery butter.

221. Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight

222. without dieting or lifting a finger?

223. I'd say you're a lying scumbag.

224. Why, sweetie?

225. According to Eternity magazine

226. you can lose weight through subliminal learning.

227. That's where an idea is subtly implanted in your head

228. without you even knowing it.

229. Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.

230. They'll send you tapes you listen to

231. while you sleep.

232. As you hear new age music,

233. a powerful message goes to your brain

234. telling you to eat less.

235. Lose weight and listen to new age music? Wow.

236. What do you think, Marge?

237. Homer, I love you just the way you are.

238. Lisa, what's that number?

239. Operator, I'd like to place an order for my husband.

240. Would he like to lose weight, stop smoking,

241. learn the state capitals, master hostage negotiations...

242. Hostage negotiations.

243. Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands.

244. What do you say to that?

245. Better give me the weight loss tape.

246. We're out of "Subliminally Slim."

247. Just send them the vocabulary builder.

248. Here you go, fatso.

249. So long, stomach.

250. We've had a lot of great memories.

251. Hello. This is Dr. Marvin Monroe.

252. Let's build your vocabulary. "A."

253. Slaughterhouse.

254. "The cow was slaughtered in the abattoir."

255. Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?

256. Lamentably, no.

257. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

258. Don't you usually play with Milhouse after school?

259. He has a girlfriend.

260. Milhouse?

261. Yeah. All they do is kiss.

262. How cute.

263. They don't open their mouths, do they?

264. No.

265. How cute.

266. - Hey, Martin. - Bart?

267. This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me

268. since I successfully lobbied

269. to have the school day extended by 20 minutes.

270. Listen, Martin, right now I'm looking for a friend

271. who won't leave me for a girl.

272. That's me. I'm just as unpopular with the ladies

273. as I am with the chaps.

274. Yeah, right.

275. Anyway, do you wanna do something after school?

276. It's a date.

277. Everyone, Bart and I would like to announce

278. that we are friends.

279. Now, Bart, would you care to listen to me play the lute?

280. Sure.

281. I don't know if that tape is working.

282. You ate three desserts tonight.

283. Forbearance is the watchword.

284. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.

285. There's another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about.

286. Tut, tut, gentle Marge.

287. For here in the boudoir

288. the gourmand metamorphosizes into...

289. the voluptuary!

290. What in God's name are you talking about?

291. Heh...

292. Hey, guys.

293. Wow, that really took my mind off

294. those awful, transforming space mutants.

295. Good.

296. Man, I could sure go for a snack.

297. Me too.

298. D'

299. Hey, I've got an idea.

300. Why don't the three of us go spit on the principal's car?

301. Listen, Bart, there's such a thing

302. as spending too much time together.

303. Fine.

304. I'm tired of watching you two lip wrestle.

305. There's plenty of other ways to be grossed out in this town.

306. - Bart, wait. - Yeah?

307. Could we still use your tree house?

308. What? Get bent.

309. If her father catches us, he'll kill her.

310. All right, Milhouse.

311. You can use my tree house.

312. Thanks, Bart.

313. Samantha and Milhouse sitting in a tree,

314. about to lose their privacy.

315. Now there's a Machiavellian countenance.

316. Ooh, a sextet of ale!

317. Hello, Mr. Stanky?

318. I have some shocking news about your daughter Samantha.

319. Who am I?

320. Let's just say I'm a concerned prude

321. with a lot of time on his hands.

322. I bet you had peanut butter for breakfast.

323. Yeah.

324. - Samantha! - Dad!

325. Noooooo!

326. Samantha, you're my little girl

327. and sometimes my imagination runs away with me.

328. Just... Just tell me what happened.

329. - Well, Milhouse and I... - That's enough!

330. I'm putting you in an all-girl school.

331. You're never going to see that boy again.

332. Milhouse!

333. Samantha!

334. Well, Milhouse, 'tis better to have loved and lost...

335. yadda, yadda, yadda.

336. Let's go to the arcade.

337. How could this happen?

338. We started out like Romeo and Juliet

339. but it ended up in tragedy.

340. Predicting the future

341. through the study of animal entrails.

342. Dad! Do you know what today is?

343. The vernal equinox?

344. No, it's two weeks

345. since you got that subliminal weight-loss tape.

346. Let's get you on the scale.

347. You've gained 13 pounds.

348. Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery...

349. A pox on them!

350. There stands a broken man.

351. It's recess everywhere but in his heart.

352. Hey, Bart, according to this magazine

353. in another million years

354. man will have an extra finger.

355. Five fingers? Ooh... Freak show!

356. Listen, Lis, I need some advice and Mom's not here.

357. - Why didn't you go to Dad? - I did,

358. but I couldn't understand what the hell he was saying.

359. Lisa, I feel terrible.

360. I ratted on my best friend

361. and he doesn't even know I did it.

362. Well, according to Eternity magazine

363. the feeling of guilt has been linked

364. to the neural-transmitter gamephenomene.

365. Dow chemical is developing a minty gel

366. which will eliminate excess guilt,

367. but unfortunately it won't be on the market

368. for another six months,

369. so I guess you're gonna have to bite the bullet

370. and confess to Milhouse.

371. Bart, I'm glad you're here.

372. Milhouse could use a friend like you.

373. Milhouse?

374. Bart, I didn't want you to see me cry.

375. Come on.

376. I've seen you cry a million times.

377. You cry when you scrape your knee.

378. You cry when they're out of chocolate milk.

379. You cry when you're doing long division

380. and you have a remainder left over.

381. Well, I didn't want you to see me cry this time.

382. Listen, Milhouse, I got a confession to make.

383. I'm the one who narked on your kissing.

384. What?

385. Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans.

386. Whoa, it's a miracle!

387. Well, I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming.

388. Yeah.

389. Marge...

390. where's that...

391. metal dealie...

392. you use to...

393. dig... food?

394. You mean, a spoon?

395. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

396. This is good.

397. Are you sure you want to do this?

398. I can't stop thinking about her.

399. Even these gates remind me of her braces.

400. How are we gonna find her?

401. She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.

402. Milhouse!

403. Samantha!

404. I went to Circus of Values

405. and bought you a ten-gallon tub of gummi bears.

406. Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about

407. getting you thrown in the penguin house.

408. That's all right, Bart.

409. I love Saint Sebastian's.

410. It's run by a group of French Canadian nuns.

411. They're very nice except they never let me out.

412. Samantha, ne pas des boys.

413. I have to go now, Milhouse.

414. I'd better not.

415. It's 50 rosaries a kiss.

416. Okay.

417. What the heck.

418. Bart, think I can ever find another one like her?

419. You're asking the wrong guy, Milhouse.

420. They all look alike to me.

421. Now, let's go whip donuts at old people.

422. Shh!

423. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.