1. D'Copy !req
2. Aah!Copy !req
3. Would you turn off
that rock n' rock music?Copy !req
4. Hey, don't have
a stegosaurus, man.Copy !req
5. These talking dinosaurs
are more realCopy !req
6. than most real families on TV.Copy !req
7. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
8. Hee hee hee. Look, Maggie,
they have a baby too.Copy !req
9. It's like they saw our lives
and put it right up on screen.Copy !req
10. Now kids, I know
you're all excitedCopy !req
11. about meeting Aunt Selma's
new boyfriend tonight.Copy !req
12. But I think that before he gets hereCopy !req
13. I should tell you
something about him.Copy !req
14. Something disturbing.Copy !req
15. Ooh!Copy !req
16. Ooh!Copy !req
17. Eyugh!Copy !req
18. You see, Aunt Selma has
this crazy obsessionCopy !req
19. about not dying alone.Copy !req
20. So in desperation,Copy !req
21. she joined this prison
pen pal program.Copy !req
22. Her new sweetie is a jailbird.Copy !req
23. Cool, he can teach usCopy !req
24. how to kill a man
with a lunch tray.Copy !req
25. Now, now, he's an ex-convict.Copy !req
26. He's paid his debt to society.Copy !req
27. Then how come you're not usingCopy !req
28. the good silverware?Copy !req
29. I'm just not.Copy !req
30. That's them.Copy !req
31. Remember, everyone,Copy !req
32. be understanding and forgivingCopy !req
33. for the sake of family unity.Copy !req
34. Everyone,
I'd like you to meet...Copy !req
35. Aah! Sideshow Bob!Copy !req
36. What the...Copy !req
37. Selma, dear, I'm afraid
the children's reactionCopy !req
38. is quite understandable.Copy !req
39. You see, Bart here is
the shamus in short pantsCopy !req
40. who sent me to prison.Copy !req
41. That's right, Aunt Selma.Copy !req
42. Your new boyfriend here
framed Krusty the ClownCopy !req
43. for armed robbery.Copy !req
44. Gee, if some snot-nosed
little kid sent me to prison,Copy !req
45. the first thing out,
I'd find out where he livesCopy !req
46. and tear him a new belly-button.Copy !req
47. Lousy snitch.Copy !req
48. Yaah!Copy !req
49. Mr. Simpson, you're forgettingCopy !req
50. the first two noble truths
of the Buddha.Copy !req
51. - I am not.
- Yes, you are.Copy !req
52. Existence is suffering.Copy !req
53. The cause
of suffering is desire.Copy !req
54. In this case, my desire
to do high-qualityCopy !req
55. children's programming.Copy !req
56. When prison put
an end to that dream,Copy !req
57. I became a seething cauldronCopy !req
58. of rage and recrimination.Copy !req
59. When I was nominated
for best supporting performerCopy !req
60. in a children's program
at the daytime Emmy awards,Copy !req
61. my bitterness ruinedCopy !req
62. what should have been
the greatest night of my life.Copy !req
63. And the nominees are:Copy !req
64. Droopy drawers,Copy !req
65. Colonel Coward,Copy !req
66. Pepito, the biggest cat
in the whole wide world,Copy !req
67. Sideshow Bob,Copy !req
68. and Suckup the Vacuum.Copy !req
69. And the Emmy goes to...Copy !req
70. I don't believe this...Copy !req
71. Sideshow Bob.Copy !req
72. This is one more Emmy
than you'll ever win,Copy !req
73. you bantering jack-in-the-box!Copy !req
74. Just don't drop that thing
in the shower, Bob.Copy !req
75. - No-talent, shill!
- Second banana!Copy !req
76. - Panderer!
- Bore!Copy !req
77. Stop it! I can...
Release me!Copy !req
78. Now for the highlight
of the evening,Copy !req
79. best film-to-video transfer.Copy !req
80. Do you know what prison is likeCopy !req
81. for a life-long,
conservative Republican?Copy !req
82. In our overcrowded cellCopy !req
83. we became little more
than beasts.Copy !req
84. Who used my chap stick?Copy !req
85. I did.
Here you go.Copy !req
86. I don't want it.Copy !req
87. My only joy came with plotting
a horrible revengeCopy !req
88. against the boy
who put me there.Copy !req
89. Ay, caramba!Copy !req
90. Bart, if I wanted to kill you,Copy !req
91. I'd have choked you
like a chickenCopy !req
92. as soon as I walked in
that door.Copy !req
93. But then what kind of a guestCopy !req
94. would I have been?Copy !req
95. Now, where was I?Copy !req
96. Yes. My lowest ebb.Copy !req
97. You can't take my Emmy.Copy !req
98. Hey, you know the rules.Copy !req
99. Awards for excellence
in entertainment are contraband.Copy !req
100. No Emmys, no Oscars,Copy !req
101. not even a Golden Globe.Copy !req
102. But kismet can be kind,
as well as cruel.Copy !req
103. I received an answer
to my letterCopy !req
104. from the prison pen pal program.Copy !req
105. "Dear #24601...Copy !req
106. "I need a man
and I cannot find oneCopy !req
107. "among the law abiding.Copy !req
108. "I have a steady job
and a lucrative hobby:Copy !req
109. "filing nuisance lawsuits.Copy !req
110. "I share an apartment
with my twin sister.Copy !req
111. "Enclosed is a photo of usCopy !req
112. "on a tandem bike.Copy !req
113. I forget which one I am."Copy !req
114. "Dear Selma...Copy !req
115. "your latest letter
set off a riotCopy !req
116. in the maximum-security wing
of my heart."Copy !req
117. Like the lone crocus
that pokes through the prison yard,Copy !req
118. our love bloomed
despite all obstacles.Copy !req
119. Selma, may I?Copy !req
120. On the cheek.Copy !req
121. Inspired by the love
of a good woman,Copy !req
122. I resolved to beCopy !req
123. the best darned inmate
#24601 I could be.Copy !req
124. I bade farewell to my cellmates,Copy !req
125. and left with the woman I loved.Copy !req
126. Cutter.Copy !req
127. Icepick.Copy !req
128. Snake.Copy !req
129. I'm going to miss you
most of all.Copy !req
130. Aww!Copy !req
131. What a beautiful story,
sideshow Bob.Copy !req
132. You're living proofCopy !req
133. that our revolving-door
prison system works.Copy !req
134. Selma, I've never
seen you so happy.Copy !req
135. Giggling like a schoolgirl.Copy !req
136. I've got to admit it, Selma,Copy !req
137. he's a once-in-a-lifetime catch.Copy !req
138. Yes, I hope the police
are saying that as well.Copy !req
139. I can't believe you guys.Copy !req
140. This man framed
Krusty the Clown.Copy !req
141. - Bart!
- Indeed, I didCopy !req
142. and I'd like to thank you
for catching me, Bart.Copy !req
143. You seized the wheelCopy !req
144. of my slow boat to hell,
and pointed itCopy !req
145. straight towards
the sunny shores of Selma.Copy !req
146. Hear, hear.Copy !req
147. Selma, would you mindCopy !req
148. if I did something
bold and shockingCopy !req
149. in front of your family?Copy !req
150. All right, but no tongues.Copy !req
151. Although kissing youCopy !req
152. would be like kissing
some divine ashtray,Copy !req
153. that's not what I had in mind.Copy !req
154. Selma, will you marry me?Copy !req
155. Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma.Copy !req
156. That man is scum.Copy !req
157. Then call me "Mrs. Scum."Copy !req
158. Could you... pumice
my corns for me?Copy !req
159. Avec plaisir.Copy !req
160. "A"... "G"...Copy !req
161. "Q"... Seven...Copy !req
162. Close enough.Copy !req
163. May you drive safely
and find true love.Copy !req
164. We now return to the 27th annualCopy !req
165. Krusty the Clown telethonCopy !req
166. for motion sickness.Copy !req
167. Tympani.Copy !req
168. Whoo-hoo! I love you people!Copy !req
169. I love my kids!Copy !req
170. Poor little guys.Copy !req
171. So tragic.Copy !req
172. So nauseous.Copy !req
173. You should see the bus
they came to the studio in.Copy !req
174. What's next?
Yeah.Copy !req
175. And now, a man who needs
no introduction,Copy !req
176. "The Chairman of the Company"...Copy !req
177. You know who I'm talking about.Copy !req
178. Get out here, you gumba!Copy !req
179. Krustelah, there's
an old friend backstageCopy !req
180. - who wants to say hello.
- What?Copy !req
181. - I can't believe it!
- They've been feuding for years.Copy !req
182. Come here, you.Copy !req
183. You old clown, you.Copy !req
184. I missed you.Copy !req
185. This guy is a national treasure.Copy !req
186. That jerk I got to replace you,Copy !req
187. he isn't fit to hold
your slide whistle.Copy !req
188. All I can be is myself.Copy !req
189. Krusty, can you ever
forgive me for framing youCopy !req
190. and putting you in jail?Copy !req
191. Hey, if they ever open
the books on this telethon,Copy !req
192. I'm right back in there.Copy !req
193. That sideshow BobCopy !req
194. is a no-good show biz phony.Copy !req
195. Come on, Bart.Copy !req
196. If Krusty can find it
in his heart to forgive him,Copy !req
197. surely you can, too.Copy !req
198. Krusty, I can't tell youCopy !req
199. how much I missed this.Copy !req
200. Ha-ha!Copy !req
201. Now, about your wedding dress...Copy !req
202. I'm not sure how to put this...Copy !req
203. - White!
- White.Copy !req
204. And what would you like
for appetizers?Copy !req
205. Ooh, appetizers.Copy !req
206. Well, Homer, you seem
to be a trencherman.Copy !req
207. What should we serve?Copy !req
208. Well, you can't go wrong
with cocktail weenies.Copy !req
209. They taste as good as they look,Copy !req
210. and they come in this
delicious red sauce.Copy !req
211. It looks like ketchup,
it tastes like ketchup,Copy !req
212. but, brother, it ain't ketchup!Copy !req
213. Well, Selma,
he makes a good case.Copy !req
214. Get whatever you want.Copy !req
215. It all tastes
like Styrofoam to me.Copy !req
216. Selma, dear, I'm confused.Copy !req
217. Well, when I was a kid,Copy !req
218. we were playing
with bottle rockets,Copy !req
219. and one shot
straight up my nose.Copy !req
220. I permanently lost my sense
of taste and smell.Copy !req
221. Okay, we've got cocktail weenies
and Swedish meatballs.Copy !req
222. Selma, this wedding is
spinning out of control.Copy !req
223. Can we really afford it?Copy !req
224. I've already run through
eight of the ten dollarsCopy !req
225. they gave me when I left prison.Copy !req
226. Hey, relax.
I told you I got money.Copy !req
227. I bought stock in a mace companyCopy !req
228. just before society crumbled.Copy !req
229. Selma, that's wonderful!Copy !req
230. I just hope people don't thinkCopy !req
231. I'm marrying you for your money,Copy !req
232. instead of your...
less tangible qualities.Copy !req
233. Tomorrow we'll be
Mr. and Mrs. Bob Terwilliger.Copy !req
234. Isn't it grand?Copy !req
235. Hey, Bob, give some
of that honey this way.Copy !req
236. Holy frijoles!Copy !req
237. We've got ten minutes
till "MacGyver".Copy !req
238. Driver, here's a fin.Copy !req
239. Get me home,
and don't spare the whip.Copy !req
240. Whatever you say, mum.Copy !req
241. What did I miss?Copy !req
242. MacGyver was wearing a tank top.Copy !req
243. Dang.Copy !req
244. Why, Selma, I thought I was
the only man in your life.Copy !req
245. Sit down and shut up!Copy !req
246. Thank you, Señor MacGyver,Copy !req
247. you saved our village.Copy !req
248. Don't thank me.Copy !req
249. Thank the moon's
gravitational pull.Copy !req
250. That MacGyver's a genius.Copy !req
251. First of all, he's not a genius.Copy !req
252. He's an actor.Copy !req
253. And second, he's
not much of an actor.Copy !req
254. You're lying.
You're lying!Copy !req
255. No, Selma, this is lying:Copy !req
256. That was a well-plotted piece
of non-claptrapCopy !req
257. that never made me
want to retch.Copy !req
258. No!Copy !req
259. He was so cruel.Copy !req
260. The things he said...Copy !req
261. They're just not true.Copy !req
262. There, there.Copy !req
263. Well, I guess the wedding's off.Copy !req
264. Fiddle-dee-dee.
Tomorrow's another day.Copy !req
265. - Bart, stop that!
- No, he's right.Copy !req
266. We're a package.Copy !req
267. Love me, love "MacGyver".Copy !req
268. I guess the wedding's off.Copy !req
269. Selma, I don't know what to say.Copy !req
270. Just tell me
you like "MacGyver".Copy !req
271. Very well. I...Copy !req
272. I...Copy !req
273. I can't do it!Copy !req
274. Even that car chase
seemed tacked on.Copy !req
275. Would you two knock it off?Copy !req
276. I hate all the programs
Marge likes,Copy !req
277. but it's no big deal.Copy !req
278. You know why?Copy !req
279. - No.
- Go on.Copy !req
280. Whenever Marge puts onCopy !req
281. one of her nonviolent programs,
I take a walk.Copy !req
282. I go to a bar, I pound a few,Copy !req
283. then I stumble home
in the mood for love.Copy !req
284. Very well, Selma.Copy !req
285. Whenever you watch "MacGyver,"Copy !req
286. I'll take
a vigorous constitutional,Copy !req
287. and return more in love
with you than ever.Copy !req
288. Bob.Copy !req
289. Bart no like.
Bad medicine.Copy !req
290. I could have been
the flower girl,Copy !req
291. and I wouldn't keep
falling down either.Copy !req
292. Hey, they chose Maggie, okay?Copy !req
293. Yeah, well, if you want
to go for cutesynessCopy !req
294. instead of competence, fine.Copy !req
295. Do you, Bob, take Selma,Copy !req
296. to have and to hold,
in sickness and in health,Copy !req
297. till death do you part?Copy !req
298. I do.Copy !req
299. Hey, wiener boy.Copy !req
300. Where do you think you're going?Copy !req
301. I'm the only single girl
left in the family.Copy !req
302. Well, I guess it could be worse.Copy !req
303. There's Krusty the Clown.Copy !req
304. Krusty! Krusty, say
something funny.Copy !req
305. Gee, a joke?Copy !req
306. Um... Funny...Copy !req
307. Okay, this guy walks into a barCopy !req
308. and takes out a tiny piano
and a 12-inch pianist...Copy !req
309. No, wait.
I can't tell that one. Ho!Copy !req
310. Dear friends, 41 years ago,Copy !req
311. God took 168 pounds of clay,
and he made me a woman,Copy !req
312. and for this, I thank him.Copy !req
313. I just wanted to say,Copy !req
314. on the advice of my new husband,Copy !req
315. I've decided
to give up smoking...Copy !req
316. except for after meals
and after "MacGyver".Copy !req
317. Why, Selma, dear, you'll bury us all.Copy !req
318. Chief Wiggum,
you've been around.Copy !req
319. You don't trust
sideshow Bob, do you?Copy !req
320. Lighten up, son.Copy !req
321. If he was going
to commit a crime,Copy !req
322. would he have invited
the number-one cop in town?Copy !req
323. Now, where did I put my gun?Copy !req
324. Yeah.Copy !req
325. I set it down when I got
a piece of cake.Copy !req
326. I don't know what to say.Copy !req
327. Just tell me what you
know I want to hear.Copy !req
328. I'm dying of jealousy.Copy !req
329. Thank you.Copy !req
330. That's right, dear.Copy !req
331. Enjoy your rest.Copy !req
332. The wedding was
very tough on you,Copy !req
333. and the honeymoon
is going to be...Copy !req
334. murder.Copy !req
335. Welcome to our video honeymoon.Copy !req
336. We're using the video camera
Cousin Doug gave us,Copy !req
337. and the video cassette
Homer gave us.Copy !req
338. Hey, and after we watch this,
we can tape over it.Copy !req
339. There's Shelbyville Falls,
rolling rock,Copy !req
340. and here's another
breathtaking sight.Copy !req
341. My brand-new hubby.Copy !req
342. I wanted a room
with a fireplace,Copy !req
343. you brainless luggage monkey!Copy !req
344. Like the one in your brochure!Copy !req
345. Selma, dear.Copy !req
346. I was just chatting with
my good friend... Dennis.Copy !req
347. Now, smile for the camera,
that's a good lad.Copy !req
348. Fire.Copy !req
349. Scourge of Prometheus,
toaster of marshmallows,Copy !req
350. eradicator of dead wood.Copy !req
351. Selma, dear,
you and your little camera.Copy !req
352. What do you say we
shut it off for a while?Copy !req
353. And make love?Copy !req
354. I suppose so.Copy !req
355. That's sweet.Copy !req
356. Why would Sideshow Bob
go so nuts over a fireplace?Copy !req
357. Because he wants his honeymoonCopy !req
358. to be romantic.Copy !req
359. Romantic? With Aunt Selma?Copy !req
360. I guess you're just
too young to understand.Copy !req
361. Bob, one of my fillings
fell out.Copy !req
362. Even murder has its ugly side.Copy !req
363. Bob, would you mind
rubbing my feet?Copy !req
364. Darling, you make it
sound like a chore.Copy !req
365. Ooh...
Good...Copy !req
366. Soon I will kill you.Copy !req
367. Son pieds sentit beau...Copy !req
368. French for
"Her foot smells lovely."Copy !req
369. Prepare to be murdered.Copy !req
370. That's... Sanskrit for
"Your toes are like perfume."Copy !req
371. - Voy a matar a usted.
- Wha..?Copy !req
372. That's Spanish forCopy !req
373. "I am going to kill you."Copy !req
374. Say what?Copy !req
375. Why, dear,
I do believe it's timeCopy !req
376. for your beloved "MacGyver".Copy !req
377. Hey, you're right.Copy !req
378. Well, time for my walk.Copy !req
379. Don't forget to die.Copy !req
380. Ding-dong.Copy !req
381. I was feeling kind of
lonely without Selma.Copy !req
382. Mind if I watch TV with you?Copy !req
383. Go ahead, Patty.Copy !req
384. Tonight, on "MacGyver"...Copy !req
385. "MacGyver,"
"MacGyver,"MacGyver."Copy !req
386. Aunt Selma has one hour to live.Copy !req
387. Hey, down in front.Copy !req
388. Goodbye.Copy !req
389. Front desk, there's been
a terrible accident in my room!Copy !req
390. Poor Selma.
You were having such a lovely eveningCopy !req
391. Sideshow Bob,Copy !req
392. I'm afraid the only victims hereCopy !req
393. are the good people
at Best Western hotels.Copy !req
394. Bart!Copy !req
395. Selma!Copy !req
396. You tried to kill me.Copy !req
397. I want a separation.Copy !req
398. My best-laid plans
have gang agley.Copy !req
399. Chief Wiggum, think you
have room in your jailCopy !req
400. for a two-time loser?Copy !req
401. Well, no, frankly, but that never
stopped us before. Ha!Copy !req
402. Bart, I must know,
how did you untangle my web?Copy !req
403. Yeah, Bart, clue us in.Copy !req
404. Well, I'd hate to tell
the number-one cop in townCopy !req
405. how to do his job.Copy !req
406. No, no, please, it's
the only way I'll learn.Copy !req
407. All right.Copy !req
408. Sideshow Bob seemed so desperateCopy !req
409. to get that fireplace, but why?Copy !req
410. Then it hit me.
The gas!Copy !req
411. Surely anyone would have
noticed a gas leakCopy !req
412. except Aunt Selma.Copy !req
413. I permanently lost
my sense of taste and smell.Copy !req
414. She happily watched her "MacGyver,"Copy !req
415. unaware that her roomCopy !req
416. was silently filling
with natural gas.Copy !req
417. All it needed to explodeCopy !req
418. was a single spark,
say, from a cigarette.Copy !req
419. I've decided to give up smokingCopy !req
420. except for after meals
and after "MacGyver".Copy !req
421. Her only hope was a plucky young boyCopy !req
422. and his slow-witted father.Copy !req
423. Dad, when Aunt Selma
lights up her cigaretteCopy !req
424. at the end of "MacGyver,"Copy !req
425. she'll be blown to kingdom come.Copy !req
426. Come again?Copy !req
427. After trying four timesCopy !req
428. to explain it to Homer,
I explained it to Mom,Copy !req
429. and we were on our way!Copy !req
430. To the Simpson-mobile!Copy !req
431. No!Copy !req
432. But wait, if you saved Selma,
why did the room explode?Copy !req
433. I'll field that one.Copy !req
434. Me and the boys were
all celebrating a job well done,Copy !req
435. when I threw my matchCopy !req
436. in the vicinity
of the crime scene.Copy !req
437. Right!
The gas.Copy !req
438. I'll be back.
You can't keepCopy !req
439. the Democrats out of
the White House forever,Copy !req
440. and when they get in,
I'm back on the streetsCopy !req
441. with all my criminal buddies!Copy !req
442. I feel like such a fool.Copy !req
443. Well, he fooled almost everyone,Copy !req
444. but there was one little boy
who never lost his mistrust.Copy !req
445. Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
446. Now, let's get out
of this gas-filled hallwayCopy !req
447. before we all suffocate.Copy !req
448. Shh.Copy !req
449. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.Copy !req