1. Mmm, doughnuts.Copy !req
2. Hey, Homer, slow down.Copy !req
3. You're going to choke or something.Copy !req
4. Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts.Copy !req
5. Hey, Homer's choking again.Copy !req
6. Isn't there a first aid
chart around here somewhere?Copy !req
7. Somebody scare him.
- That's for the hiccups.Copy !req
8. Hey, look at this.Copy !req
9. Softball starts this week.Copy !req
10. Softball?Copy !req
11. Who's next?Copy !req
12. Count me out.
- Not me.Copy !req
13. No way.Copy !req
14. What's the matter with you guys?Copy !req
15. Last year we were 2 and 28.Copy !req
16. It wasn't our best season.Copy !req
17. Actually, it was.Copy !req
18. This year it's gonna be different.Copy !req
19. What makes you so damn sure?Copy !req
20. I have a secret weapon.Copy !req
21. Hey, he's been holding out on us, huh?Copy !req
22. A secret weapon?Copy !req
23. I wonder what it could be.Copy !req
24. Hmm.Copy !req
25. Count me in.
- I'm there.Copy !req
26. Come here, boy.
I want to show you something.Copy !req
27. What's that?
A homemade bat?Copy !req
28. It's something very special--Copy !req
29. a homemade bat.Copy !req
30. It all started last year...Copy !req
31. during a terrible thunderstorm...Copy !req
32. when I locked myself...Copy !req
33. out of the house.Copy !req
34. Sheltering myself with
a large piece of sheet metal...Copy !req
35. I ran for cover under
the tallest tree I could find.Copy !req
36. Something told me
this was a very special...Copy !req
37. very magical piece of wood
that I could make a bat out of.Copy !req
38. I put my homemade football on hold...Copy !req
39. and set to work making
the world's greatest bat.Copy !req
40. Homie, come to bed.Copy !req
41. Homer, go back to the garage.Copy !req
42. And here it is.Copy !req
43. Wow! How many home runs...Copy !req
44. you going to hit with that?Copy !req
45. We play 30 games,
10 at bats a game-- 3,000.Copy !req
46. Hit one here, Charlie!Copy !req
47. Let's go over the ground rules.Copy !req
48. You can't leave first until you chug a beer.Copy !req
49. Any man scoring has to chug a beer.Copy !req
50. Chug a beer at the top
of all odd-numbered innings.Copy !req
51. And the fourth inning is the beer inning.Copy !req
52. Hey, we know how to play softball.Copy !req
53. Play ball!Copy !req
54. Attention all units!
Attention all units!Copy !req
55. Armored car being robbed
at Fifth and Main.Copy !req
56. Turn off that damn radio!Copy !req
57. And the next man wants to hit the ball too.Copy !req
58. And there he goes off in that direction.Copy !req
59. And everyone is happy.Copy !req
60. Mom, why don't you let me call the game?Copy !req
61. That's all right, dear.
I can do it.Copy !req
62. Men, stop that!Copy !req
63. Okay, Homer, bases loaded,
and you're up.Copy !req
64. Where's that secret weapon?Copy !req
65. Check it out, boys.Copy !req
66. My magic bat.Copy !req
67. That's it?Copy !req
68. Yeah, I got a magic bat too.Copy !req
69. And I got an enchanted jockstrap.Copy !req
70. -Copy !req
71. Yeah. Just watch.Copy !req
72. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
73. All right, Homeboy!Copy !req
74. Yeah!Copy !req
75. Ha-ha! Cops can't win!Copy !req
76. Get his license and registration.
- Right, Chief.Copy !req
77. Wow, Dad.Copy !req
78. Homer, can I get you a beer?Copy !req
79. No. I want to get him a beer.Copy !req
80. Kids, kids,
you can each get me a beer.Copy !req
81. But first, let's see it again
in super slow motion.Copy !req
82. Why, you--Copy !req
83. Huh?Copy !req
84. Ooh!Copy !req
85. Such a mighty wallop.Copy !req
86. I got my magic bat off a piano.Copy !req
87. My sister let me use her wooden leg.Copy !req
88. Good news, sir.Copy !req
89. The softball team won again.Copy !req
90. If we beat Shelbyville,
we capture the pennant.Copy !req
91. Did you hear that, Ari?Copy !req
92. My boys need only to thump your tub,
and the title is ours.Copy !req
93. Ha!Copy !req
94. The Gladiators from my power plant...Copy !req
95. will crush your team
like nine flabby grapes.Copy !req
96. I disagree.Copy !req
97. Would you care to bet a million dollars?Copy !req
98. Why don't we make it interesting?Copy !req
99. What, a million dollars isn't interesting?Copy !req
100. Did you say a million?Copy !req
101. I'm sorry.
My mind was elsewhere.Copy !req
102. I thought you would start
with a small amount...Copy !req
103. we would bait each other and--Copy !req
104. You know how it goes.Copy !req
105. Certainly.
A million will be fine.Copy !req
106. Smithers, I've been thinking.Copy !req
107. Is it wrong to cheat
to win a million dollar bet?Copy !req
108. Yes, sir.Copy !req
109. Let me rephrase that.Copy !req
110. Is it wrong if I cheat
to win a million dollar bet?Copy !req
111. No, sir.
Who would you like killed?Copy !req
112. No, Smithers.Copy !req
113. I've decided to bring in a few ringers--Copy !req
114. professional baseballers.Copy !req
115. We'll give them token jobs at the plant...Copy !req
116. and have them play on our softball team.Copy !req
117. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson...Copy !req
118. Mordecai Brown--Copy !req
119. Uh, sir.Copy !req
120. What is it, Smithers?Copy !req
121. I'm afraid all those players have retired...Copy !req
122. and, uh, passed on.Copy !req
123. In fact, your right fielder
has been dead for 1 30 years.Copy !req
124. Damnation!Copy !req
125. Find me some good players-- living players.Copy !req
126. Scour the professional ranks--Copy !req
127. the American League,
the National League...Copy !req
128. the Negro leagues.Copy !req
129. I'm on my way.Copy !req
130. Oh, and, Smithers...Copy !req
131. you have 2 4 hours.Copy !req
132. I get $50,000 to play one game?Copy !req
133. That's right, Mr. Canseco.Copy !req
134. It's a pay cut,
but what the hey.Copy !req
135. It sounds like fun.Copy !req
136. Uh... oh--Copy !req
137. Hey, sorry.Copy !req
138. I thought you were a deer.Copy !req
139. Oh, that's okay.Copy !req
140. Happens all the time.Copy !req
141. Are you Mike Scioscia?Copy !req
142. That's me.Copy !req
143. How do you like working for the Dodgers?Copy !req
144. It's okay...Copy !req
145. but sometimes I wish I had
something more blue collar...Copy !req
146. with big machines
and cool dials and stuff...Copy !req
147. like an oil refinery...Copy !req
148. or hydroelectric plant.Copy !req
149. We should talk.Copy !req
150. And this is Elvis'rec room.Copy !req
151. When the King wasn't
rehearsing or exercising...Copy !req
152. he liked to unwind by watching
up to three TVs at once.Copy !req
153. Man, oh, man, what a lifestyle.Copy !req
154. Are you Ozzie Smith?Copy !req
155. Yes.Copy !req
156. I have a proposition for you.Copy !req
157. - Hello. Are you Don Mattingly?Copy !req
158. Yes. Yes, I am.
Come in. Come in.Copy !req
159. Can I get you something?
What's your name?Copy !req
160. How would you like to be a ringer...Copy !req
161. on a small-town company softball team?Copy !req
162. Would I?Copy !req
163. Now I'd like to introduce...Copy !req
164. the new members of our
happy power plant family.Copy !req
165. Our security guard, Roger Clemens.
- Hello.Copy !req
166. Ourjanitor, Wade Boggs.
- How you doing?Copy !req
167. Our lunchroom cashier, Ken GriffeyJr.
- Hey, what's up, guys?Copy !req
168. Our new, well, uh...Copy !req
169. we'll make up jobs for these fellas later.Copy !req
170. Say hello to Steve Sax,
Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry...Copy !req
171. Ozzie Smith, Mike Scioscia
andJose Canseco.Copy !req
172. Ooh.
- Wow.Copy !req
173. Geez.Copy !req
174. By the way, you new fellas,
there's a sign-up sheet...Copy !req
175. for the softball team
on the board over there...Copy !req
176. just in case you wish to play.Copy !req
177. Wait a minute.
- What's going on?Copy !req
178. With them on the team,
you won't need us.Copy !req
179. Well, duh.
You, Scioscia, sign up.Copy !req
180. I'm here to run the solid
contaminate encapsulator.Copy !req
181. One more outburst, and I'll
send you back to the big leagues.Copy !req
182. You're Darryl Strawberry.
- Yes.Copy !req
183. You play right field.
- Yes.Copy !req
184. I play right field too.
- So?Copy !req
185. Are you better than me?Copy !req
186. Well, I've never met you,
but... yes.Copy !req
187. It's not fair. We worked so hard
to get to the championship game...Copy !req
188. and we'll be sitting on the bench.Copy !req
189. You hit so many home runs.Copy !req
190. What makes you think...Copy !req
191. this Darryl Strawberry is better than you?Copy !req
192. Marge, forget it.Copy !req
193. He's bigger than me,
faster, stronger...Copy !req
194. and he already has more friends
around the plant than I do.Copy !req
195. You make me sick, Homer.Copy !req
196. You're the one who told me I could
do anything if I put my mind to it.Copy !req
197. Now that you're older,
I can tell you that's a crock.Copy !req
198. No matter how good you are...Copy !req
199. there's always a million people better.Copy !req
200. Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try.Copy !req
201. As your new manager,
I want to say this up front--Copy !req
202. No one is assured a spot
in the starting lineup.Copy !req
203. I don't care if you're Steve Sax...Copy !req
204. or Darryl Strawberry or--Copy !req
205. What's one of the bad players' names?Copy !req
206. Homer Simpson, sir.Copy !req
207. Or Homer Simpson.Copy !req
208. Secondly, instead of beer,
you will all drink this.Copy !req
209. It's a brain and nerve tonic...Copy !req
210. rich in proteins and electromagnetic juices.Copy !req
211. It promotes robust health.Copy !req
212. It has been known to cause gigantism...Copy !req
213. but only in rare cases.Copy !req
214. Try some.Copy !req
215. It's like there's a party in my mouth...Copy !req
216. and everyone's invited.Copy !req
217. Excellent.Copy !req
218. Let's begin our training,
shall we?Copy !req
219. Smithers...Copy !req
220. the medicine balls.Copy !req
221. Ugh.Copy !req
222. Ugh.Copy !req
223. Here.Copy !req
224. What are you gonna do
with your million dollars?Copy !req
225. Throw it in the pile,
I suppose.Copy !req
226. You are all very good players.Copy !req
227. We are all very good players.Copy !req
228. You will beat Shelbyville.Copy !req
229. We will beat Shelbyville.Copy !req
230. You will give 1 1 0%.Copy !req
231. That's impossible.Copy !req
232. No one can give more than 1 00%.Copy !req
233. By definition, that is
the most anyone can give.Copy !req
234. I got it!Copy !req
235. I got it!Copy !req
236. Yes.Copy !req
237. Hey!Copy !req
238. I called for that.Copy !req
239. Put a lid on it.Copy !req
240. There's no 'I' in 'team.'Copy !req
241. Some of these guys
have a bad attitude, Skip.Copy !req
242. They sure do, Strawberry.Copy !req
243. ##Copy !req
244. Scioscia, I don't get it.Copy !req
245. You're a ringer,
but you're here every night...Copy !req
246. busting your butt
hauling radioactive waste.Copy !req
247. It's a relief from the pressures...Copy !req
248. of playing big league ball.Copy !req
249. There, you make any mistake, and boom--Copy !req
250. the press is all over you.Copy !req
251. Uh-oh.Copy !req
252. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
253. Oh, man, is this ever sweet.Copy !req
254. Me, me.Copy !req
255. Pick me.Copy !req
256. Pick me, pick me.Copy !req
257. I pick Ken GriffeyJr.Copy !req
258. Aw, geez.Copy !req
259. Okay, I'll take Millhouse.Copy !req
260. Mr. Boggs,
will you be on my team?Copy !req
261. You got yourself a player.Copy !req
262. Damn!Copy !req
263. All right, I'll take Louis.Copy !req
264. I'll takeJose Canseco.Copy !req
265. D'oh!Copy !req
266. Mattingly,
get rid of those sideburns.Copy !req
267. What sideburns?Copy !req
268. You heard me, hippie.Copy !req
269. These guys aren't so tough.Copy !req
270. I've got Wonderbat.Copy !req
271. Take a knee, boys.Copy !req
272. Tomorrow is the biggest day of your lives--Copy !req
273. The Shelbyville game.Copy !req
274. So lights out at 7::30...Copy !req
275. and abstain from coffee,
tea and cola drinks.Copy !req
276. They pack a wallop.Copy !req
277. Sure do, Skip.Copy !req
278. Before I post the starting lineup...Copy !req
279. I want to assure those
who are not on the list...Copy !req
280. that I'm very disappointed in you.Copy !req
281. Something was lacking.Copy !req
282. Let's call it heart.Copy !req
283. No hustle either, Skip.
- That's right, Darryl.Copy !req
284. All right.Copy !req
285. Way to go.Copy !req
286. Aw, nuts.Copy !req
287. Please, please, please.Copy !req
288. Clemens, did I make the team?Copy !req
289. You sure did.Copy !req
290. I did?Copy !req
291. Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
292. In your face, Strawberry.Copy !req
293. Are you Ken GriffeyJr.?Copy !req
294. No.Copy !req
295. Didn't mean to get your hopes up.Copy !req
296. Ohhh.Copy !req
297. Smithers, there's no way
I can lose this bet...Copy !req
298. unless, of course,
my nine all-stars...Copy !req
299. fall victim to nine separate misfortunes...Copy !req
300. and are unable to play tomorrow.Copy !req
301. But that will never happen.Copy !req
302. Three misfortunes,
that's possible...Copy !req
303. seven misfortunes,
there's an outside chance...Copy !req
304. but nine misfortunes-- I'd like to see that.Copy !req
305. What a nice little town.Copy !req
306. Maybe I'll buy a home here when I retire.Copy !req
307. What seems to be the problem, officers?Copy !req
308. That's enough, smart guy.Copy !req
309. Reach for your license.Copy !req
310. Slowly.Copy !req
311. Well, well.Copy !req
312. Steve Sax from New York City.Copy !req
313. I heard some guy got killed in New York...Copy !req
314. and they never solved the case.Copy !req
315. But you wouldn't know
anything about that...Copy !req
316. now, would you, Steve?Copy !req
317. But there's hundreds
of unsolved murders...Copy !req
318. in New York City.Copy !req
319. You don't know when
to keep your mouth shut...Copy !req
320. do you, Saxy boy?Copy !req
321. Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm.Copy !req
322. Can't... lift... arm...Copy !req
323. or... speak...Copy !req
324. at... normal... rate.Copy !req
325. I'm afraid you have a case...Copy !req
326. of acute radiation poisoning,
Mr. Scioscia.Copy !req
327. Will... I...Copy !req
328. be... able...Copy !req
329. to... play...Copy !req
330. softball... tomorrow?Copy !req
331. No. By tomorrow...Copy !req
332. you'll barely be able to breathe.Copy !req
333. Oh... man.Copy !req
334. Dr. Hibbert...Copy !req
335. Ken GriffeyJr. needs
to see you immediately.Copy !req
336. We think it's an overdose of nerve tonic.Copy !req
337. Good Lord!Copy !req
338. Gigantism!Copy !req
339. ##Copy !req
340. My baby! My baby!
- Don't worry, ma'am.Copy !req
341. I'll save your baby.Copy !req
342. Oh, thank you, Mr. Canseco.Copy !req
343. - My cat!Copy !req
344. Never fear, ma'am.
I'll save your cat.Copy !req
345. ####
- My player piano!Copy !req
346. Oh, man.Copy !req
347. Ohh, one thing I'm good at,
and I can't do it anymore.Copy !req
348. Homie, you're good at lots of things.Copy !req
349. Like what?Copy !req
350. Like snuggling.Copy !req
351. Yeah, but none of my friends
can watch me.Copy !req
352. And I say...Copy !req
353. England's greatest prime minister...Copy !req
354. was Lord Palmerston!Copy !req
355. Pitt, the Elder.Copy !req
356. Lord Palmerston!Copy !req
357. Pitt, the Elder!Copy !req
358. Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.Copy !req
359. Uh!Copy !req
360. Yeah, that's showing him, Barney.Copy !req
361. Pitt, the Elder.Copy !req
362. Lord Palmerston!Copy !req
363. Nice work, boys.
We can close the book...Copy !req
364. on every unsolved crime in our fair city.Copy !req
365. Don't I get to call my lawyer?Copy !req
366. You watch too many movies, Sax.Copy !req
367. How long does it take to see this thing?Copy !req
368. I'm in a hurry.Copy !req
369. It's hard to say.Copy !req
370. Once you go in,
you may never come out.Copy !req
371. Wow! One, please.Copy !req
372. Where do you think you're going?Copy !req
373. To the game.Copy !req
374. No. I don't want you to see me...Copy !req
375. sitting on my worthless butt.Copy !req
376. We've seen it, Dad.Copy !req
377. For the last time,
get rid of those sideburns.Copy !req
378. I don't know what you think
sideburns are, but--Copy !req
379. Don't argue with me!Copy !req
380. Just get rid of them!Copy !req
381. It's almost game time.Copy !req
382. Where the devil are my ringers?Copy !req
383. Mike Scioscia may not live
through the night.Copy !req
384. Steve Sax is looking at six life sentences.Copy !req
385. Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished
off the face of the earth.Copy !req
386. Cool!Copy !req
387. What about Canseco?Copy !req
388. The dryer goes on the right.Copy !req
389. Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
390. What about Clemens?Copy !req
391. Sir, he's in no condition to play.Copy !req
392. That damn hypnotist!Copy !req
393. You! Look what you've done.Copy !req
394. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken.Copy !req
395. I'm going to report this...Copy !req
396. to the American Hypnotical Association.Copy !req
397. But I did a good job...Copy !req
398. a good job.Copy !req
399. I guess it's not your fault.Copy !req
400. You did a good job.Copy !req
401. Mattingly!Copy !req
402. I told you to trim those sideburns.Copy !req
403. Go home!Copy !req
404. You're off the team!
For good!Copy !req
405. Fine.Copy !req
406. I still like him better than Steinbrenner.Copy !req
407. All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits.Copy !req
408. You hate me,
and I hate you even more.Copy !req
409. But without my beloved ringers...Copy !req
410. you're all I've got.Copy !req
411. So I want you to remember...Copy !req
412. some inspiring things...Copy !req
413. that someone else may have told you...Copy !req
414. in the course of your lives...Copy !req
415. and go out there and win.Copy !req
416. Not so fast, Simpson.Copy !req
417. The man who plays your position is here.Copy !req
418. Hit the pine.
- Ohhh!Copy !req
419. You stink, Strawberry!Copy !req
420. We want Home Run Homer!Copy !req
421. Darryl.Copy !req
422. Darryl.Copy !req
423. Darryl.
- Darryl.Copy !req
424. Darryl.
- Darryl.Copy !req
425. Children,
that's not very nice.Copy !req
426. Mom, they're professional athletes.Copy !req
427. They're used to this.Copy !req
428. It rolls right off their backs.Copy !req
429. Who wants peanuts?Copy !req
430. Hey, whoa!Copy !req
431. Ho, peanuts!
Hey, peanuts!Copy !req
432. We got peanuts!
Need some peanuts? Heads up!Copy !req
433. All right, Monty...Copy !req
434. it's up to your managerial skills.Copy !req
435. What to do--Copy !req
436. Smithers, massage my brain.Copy !req
437. Yes, sir.Copy !req
438. You, Strawberry-- Hit a home run!Copy !req
439. Okay, Skip.Copy !req
440. I told him to do that.Copy !req
441. Brilliant strategy, sir.Copy !req
442. Ohhh!Copy !req
443. Oh, dear! Hmm.Copy !req
444. Children, tell me...Copy !req
445. when your father stops scratching himself.Copy !req
446. Kids?Copy !req
447. We'll tell you, Mom.Copy !req
448. All right, tie game.Copy !req
449. Bottom of the ninth.Copy !req
450. Two outs, bases loaded.
Strawberry coming up.Copy !req
451. They're gonna win the city championship.Copy !req
452. No thanks to me.Copy !req
453. Wait.Copy !req
454. You! Strawberry!Copy !req
455. Good effort today.Copy !req
456. Take a lap and hit the showers.Copy !req
457. I'm putting in a right-handed batter.Copy !req
458. Pinch-hitting for me?Copy !req
459. Yes. You're a left-hander...Copy !req
460. and so is the pitcher.Copy !req
461. If I send up a right-handed batter...Copy !req
462. it's called playing the percentages.Copy !req
463. It's what smart managers
do to win ball games.Copy !req
464. I've got nine home runs.Copy !req
465. You should be very proud.
Sit down.Copy !req
466. Simpson!
You're batting for Strawberry.Copy !req
467. I am? Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
468. That a boy, Homer.Copy !req
469. You can do it.Copy !req
470. All right, Simpson.
Let's go over the signals.Copy !req
471. If I tug the bill of my cap like so...
- Yeah.Copy !req
472. it means the signal is a fake.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
473. I can take that off
by dusting my hands thusly.Copy !req
474. Got it.Copy !req
475. If I want you to bunt,
I'll touch my belt buckle...Copy !req
476. not once, not twice,
but thrice.Copy !req
477. I don't understand a word he's saying.Copy !req
478. Why doesn't he just let me bat?Copy !req
479. I wish I was home with
a big bag of potato chips.Copy !req
480. Mmm... potato chips.Copy !req
481. Got that, Simpson?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
482. Now batting for Darryl Strawberry--
Homer Simpson.Copy !req
483. All right!
- Yea!Copy !req
484. Boo!
- Boo!Copy !req
485. Huh?Copy !req
486. Ugh!Copy !req
487. Oh, dear!Copy !req
488. No, Mom.
It counts as a hit.Copy !req
489. Dad just won the game.Copy !req
490. Well, I guess he'll be happy...Copy !req
491. when he comes to.Copy !req
492. We won! We won!Copy !req
493. All right!Copy !req
494. Homer! Homer! Homer!Copy !req
495. Well, Mr. Burns had done itCopy !req
496. The power plant had won itCopy !req
497. With Roger Clemens
clucking all the while.Copy !req
498. Mike Scioscia's tragic illness
made us smileCopy !req
499. While Wade Boggs lay unconsciousCopy !req
500. On the barroom tileCopy !req
501. We're talking softballCopy !req
502. From Maine to San DiegoCopy !req
503. Talking softballCopy !req
504. Mattingly and CansecoCopy !req
505. Ken Griffey's
grotesquely swollen jaw.Copy !req
506. Steve Sax and his run-in
with the law.Copy !req
507. We're talking HomerCopy !req
508. Ozzie and the Straw.Copy !req
509. Copy !req
510. We're talking softballCopy !req
511. From Maine to San DiegoCopy !req
512. Talking softballCopy !req
513. Mattingly and CansecoCopy !req
514. Ken Griffey'sCopy !req
515. grotesquely swollen jaw.Copy !req
516. Steve SaxCopy !req
517. And his run-in with the law.Copy !req
518. We're talking HomerCopy !req
519. Ozzie and the Straw.Copy !req