1. D'
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2. Aah!
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3. Now, class, I promised you
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4. a surprise today.
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5. Wow!
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6. I knew it!
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7. And here it is.
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8. We're going to take a test.
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9. We're going to take a test.
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10. All right! A test!
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11. It's called the Career Aptitude
Normalizing Test...
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12. Or "CAN'T."
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13. Some of you may discover
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14. a wonderful vocation
you never even imagined.
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15. Others may find out
life isn't fair.
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16. In spite of your masters
from Bryn Mawr,
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17. you might end up a glorified
baby-sitter
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18. to a bunch of
dead-eyed fourth graders
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19. while your husband runs naked
on a beach with your marriage counselor!
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20. First question...
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21. "If I could be any animal,
I would be:
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22. ("A) A carpenter ant.
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23. ("B) A nurse shark.
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24. (Or C) A lawyer bird."
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25. Question 60...
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26. "I prefer the smell of:
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27. ("A) Gasoline.
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28. ("B) French fries.
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29. (Or C) Bank customers."
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30. Well, that was a waste of time.
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31. Janie, school is never
a waste of time.
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32. Since we have 15 minutes
until recess,
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33. please put down your pencils
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34. and stare
at the front of the room.
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35. Here for the tests.
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36. Come on, Emma.
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37. Here's your scientifically
selected career.
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38. Architect!
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39. Insurance salesman.
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40. Salmon gutter?
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41. Military strongman!
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42. Systems analyst, systems analyst,
systems analyst.
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43. Systems analyst.
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44. All right!
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45. Homemaker?
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46. It's like a mommy.
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47. Police officer?
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48. Well, I'll be jiggered.
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49. If you'd like to learn more,
I could arrange for you
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50. to ride along in a police car
for a night.
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51. Hey! I don't need you to get me
in the back of a police car.
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52. I really think you should
consider this.
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53. You know, before I saw
these test results,
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54. I had you pegged as a drifter.
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55. Wow. A drifter.
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56. Lousy sheriff.
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57. Run me out of town.
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58. He's lost my vote.
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59. Cool.
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60. A homemaker!
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61. I might as well be dead.
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62. Lisa, it's not that bad.
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63. So what are you gonna be, boy?
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64. Policeman.
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65. That's nice, Bart.
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66. You know, your father wanted
to be a policeman for a little while,
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67. but they said he was too heavy.
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68. No, the Army said
I was too heavy.
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69. The police said I was too dumb.
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70. Well, I'm going to be
a famous jazz musician.
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71. I've got it all figured out:
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72. I'll be unappreciated
in my own country,
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73. but my gutsy blues stylings
will electrify the French.
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74. I'll avoid the
horrors of drug abuse,
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75. but I do plan to have
several torrid love affairs,
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76. and I may or may not die young.
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77. - I haven't decided.
- Honey, if that's what you want,
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78. - we'll do anything we can to help.
- Wait a minute.
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79. Isn't anybody going
to follow in my footsteps?
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80. Can you tell me
if I have what it takes
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81. to be a blues musician?
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82. Sure can.
Show me your chops.
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83. Yeah.
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84. Cool.
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85. So, you think she has talent?
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86. Sure.
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87. Do you think she could be
a professional someday?
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88. Lord, no.
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89. But I'll practice every day.
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90. Yeah, well, I'll be
frank with you, Lisa,
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91. and when I say frank, I mean,
you know, devastating.
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92. You've inherited
a finger condition
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93. known as stubbiness.
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94. It usually comes
from the father's side.
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95. D'
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96. Stupid fingers.
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97. You're wrong! You're wrong!
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98. You don't need long fingers
to play the blues.
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99. The blues come from in here.
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100. My God, they are stubby.
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101. Look, I didn't steal
that copper wire.
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102. I just thought
they were throwing it out.
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103. Here. Take it.
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104. Heh, no, no, sir.
We're here for your son.
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105. He's coming on a ride-along.
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106. Good for you. Maybe this
will straighten the boy out.
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107. Wow! Can I see your club?
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108. It's called a baton, son.
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109. What's it for?
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110. We club people with it.
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111. Well! It's about time.
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112. So you guys like being cops?
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113. It's great.
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114. You get to run red lights,
park wherever you please,
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115. hot-and-cold-running chicks.
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116. And when you go home at night,
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117. you know you've made
a difference.
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118. Hey Bart, you see
that Caddie over there?
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119. That's Mayor Quimby's car.
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120. Tonight, His Honor is
polling the electorate.
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121. How would you like
a street named after you?
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122. I tell you.
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123. They only come out at night.
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124. Dear log,
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125. this will be my last entry,
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126. for you were a journal
of my hopes and dreams,
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127. and now, I have none.
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128. Do you need straight A's
to be a cop?
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129. Hey, fellas,
let's go shoot some bad guys.
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130. Whoa, it doesn't quite
work that way, son.
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131. People see movies like McBain,
and they think it's all
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132. bang-bang, shoot-'em-up
cops and robbers.
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133. Let's roll.
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134. One-ocean-tango.
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135. We're in pursuit
of a speeding individual
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136. driving a red... car,
license number
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137. eggplant-xerxes
crybaby-overbite-narwhal.
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138. No.
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139. Cops.
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140. Whoo. They used
nylon rope this time.
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141. It feels so smooth
against my skin...
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142. Almost sensuous.
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143. Ooh, baby.
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144. Damn boxes.
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145. He's trapped.
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146. - Where's our backup?
- I don't know.
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147. Son, this is against
every regulation
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148. but would you cover us?
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149. Wow!
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150. See you in hell, punk.
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151. See you in hell, punk!
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152. Man, that was close.
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153. Good thing this alley got
so narrow in the middle.
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154. Well, that's nice work, boys.
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155. Looks like
you just bought yourself
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156. a lottery ticket, to jail.
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157. He's unconscious, sir.
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158. They can still hear things.
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159. Sir, I know
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160. what I want to be
when I grow up... a cop.
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161. Well, until then, son
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162. I'm gonna make you
an honorary police officer.
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163. - Eddie, give him your badge.
- Hey!
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164. Morning, honey.
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165. What's so good about being stuck
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166. in the house behind a stove?
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167. Lisa, I know
you're down on homemaking
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168. but it can really
let you be creative.
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169. See? This morning I turned
bacon, eggs, and toast
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170. into a nice smiley face
for Bart and Homer.
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171. What's the point?
They'll never notice.
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172. Well, you'd be surprised.
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173. Umm...
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174. Now just relax your hand.
Thank you, ma'am.
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175. You've been most cooperative.
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176. Bad dog!
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177. Very bad dog!
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178. Mom, before you blame the dog,
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179. I think you should take a look
at these surveillance photos.
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180. Bart!
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181. I don't know how
that got in there.
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182. Lisa, why aren't you
at band practice?
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183. I quit.
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184. Honey, right now
you're discouraged
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185. but deep down, you know
you love the saxophone.
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186. I think you should stay
in the band.
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187. If you think it's so great,
why don't you join the band?
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188. Lisa... There are a lot
of people in the world
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189. who like to tell you
what you can't do,
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190. but they don't always know
what they're talking about.
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191. You know what I want to be
when I grow up?
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192. The girl on the oatmeal box?
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193. No. I'm going to be
an astronaut.
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194. - Women can't be astronauts.
- Why not?
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195. They distract the men astronauts
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196. so they wouldn't keep
their minds on the road.
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197. There will too be
women astronauts.
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198. It's true
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199. and we'll all live
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200. in cities on the Moon.
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201. So, you see,
my sisters were wrong
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202. except about
the cities on the Moon.
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203. I was wrong about that, so...
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204. Well, you can see
how anyone can be wrong.
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205. Sleek, vigilant puma...
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206. Principal of the mountains.
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207. Hi, Lis.
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208. Want to quiz me on the vowels?
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209. Janey, I'm about ready to chuck
the whole stinkin' alphabet.
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210. Lisa, what are you doing?
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211. That's a bad-girl bathroom.
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212. Duh!
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213. You want to egg Skinner's car?
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214. Okay.
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215. What are you looking at?
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216. Nothing.
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217. Then get out.
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218. 'Cause we're figuring out
stuff to egg.
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219. Okay, but if you really
want to honk Skinner off
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220. I suggest you attack
the one thing
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221. he truly believes in.
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222. I saw some awful things in 'Nam,
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223. but you really have to wonder
at the mentality
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224. that would desecrate
a helpless puma.
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225. I never thought I'd say this
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226. but the no-goodniks
rule this school.
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227. Get your hands off me!
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228. God, I could really use
a half day.
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229. Think you're big men
with your handcuffs
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230. and blasted Tasers!
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231. Get him out of here.
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232. I'll get you, Bart Simpson,
if it's the last thing I do!
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233. Now what is this all about?
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234. Well it's quite simple, really.
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235. I observed our friend,
Groundskeeper Willie,
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236. burning leaves with
a blatant disregard
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237. for our clean air laws.
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238. Ha! Bart Simpson
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239. on the side of law and order?
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240. Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
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241. That's right, man.
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242. I got my first taste
of authority
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243. and I liked it.
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244. Bart, there are a lot
of trouble makers
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245. in this school,
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246. and, Lord knows I can't
be everywhere at once.
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247. Go on.
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248. Look, let's can the euphemisms?
No more bull spit.
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249. How would you like to be
a hall monitor?
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250. Wouldn't that mean
squealing on other kids?
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251. That's the meat of it, yes.
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252. Now, Witness X
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253. would you please tell the court
what you saw?
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254. I'd be more than happy to.
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255. I saw Mr. Montone there
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256. seal the late
Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum
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257. and roll him off the pier.
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258. I kill you!
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259. Ay, caramba!
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260. I don't know.
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261. Now...
you get to wear a sash.
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262. You got yourself a narc.
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263. Hey Jimbo, keeping your nose
clean, dude? Thatta boy.
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264. Hey, Donna, who loves you, baby?
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265. Not in my hall, bub.
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266. I think you've had enough,
sister.
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267. Come on, let's keep it moving.
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268. Pink belly! Pink belly!
Pink belly!
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269. All right, break it up, boys.
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270. That belly ain't going
to get any pinker.
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271. Okay.
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272. Wedgie!
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273. Thanks, Bart.
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274. Bart's grades are up
a little this term,
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275. but Lisa's are way down.
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276. We always have one good kid
and one lousy kid.
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277. Why can't both our kids be good?
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278. We have three kids, Homer.
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279. Marge, the dog
doesn't count as a kid.
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280. No. Maggie.
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281. Yeah.
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282. Now take some paste
and spread it
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283. on the construction paper.
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284. Ralph, are you eating
your paste?
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285. No, Miss Hoover.
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286. Good. Now sprinkle
your sparkles on your paste.
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287. Lisa, you're not sprinkling
your sparkles.
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288. Shove it.
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289. I have never seen
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290. a good student
take such a slide.
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291. Lisa, what are you
rebelling against?
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292. What do you got?
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293. And she goes
"Lisa told Hoover to shove it."
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294. And I'm, like,
"No way..."
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295. And she's like "'Fraid so."
And I'm all "Whoa!"
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296. And she's like...
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297. Hey, Lisa, man.
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298. I'm, like, so impressed.
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299. When I was in second grade,
I was all "Hi there! I'm so good."
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300. Want a smoke?
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301. I'll smoke it in class.
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302. - Whoa!
- Whoa!
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303. Bart, you're doing
a bang-up job.
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304. You know, before, there were
some corridors in this school
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305. you'd just never go down.
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306. Now I feel safe anywhere.
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307. Every day is a new fight, sir.
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308. Bart, the school
is a police state.
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309. Students are afraid to sneeze.
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310. I have you to thank.
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311. Come with me.
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312. Madre de dios!
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313. The legends were true!
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314. Yes, Bart, whenever a teacher
confiscates something
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315. it ends up here.
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316. Salacious halter tops,
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317. complete collections
of Mad, Cracked,
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318. and the occasional issue
of Crazy,
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319. and this fake plastic derriere.
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320. Now, to show my gratitude,
I want you
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321. to help yourself
to an item of your choice.
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322. All right!
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323. Ooh, now you be careful
with that crossbow.
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324. I will.
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325. Seymour.
This is an absence slip
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326. signed by Nelson's mother,
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327. and this is
Nelson's English homework.
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328. Notice the identical
elongated loops on the D's.
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329. Forgery!
So he didn't have leprosy.
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330. This is a great day for me.
I thought I could never teach again.
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331. Things have changed.
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332. There will be no mockery
of your name, Mr. Glasscock.
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333. Hey, Louis, watch this.
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334. Bart, do something!
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335. Let's go, Milhouse.
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336. Sure, we have order...
But at what price?
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337. Now let's correct
our homework exercises.
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338. Lisa, what 19th century figure
was nicknamed Old Hickory?
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339. I don't know. You?
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340. Lisa, if you'd bothered
to do the assignment
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341. you'd know the answer is...
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342. The Battle of New Orleans...
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343. I mean... Andrew Jackson.
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344. Well, you're earning
your 18 grand a year.
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345. Stupid Hoover.
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346. Thinks she's so smart.
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347. She wouldn't be so smart
without her teacher's edition.
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348. Ladies and gentlemen,
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349. the unthinkable has happened.
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350. Some sick, twisted individual
has stolen
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351. every teacher's edition
in this school.
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352. What do we do?
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353. Declare a snow day!
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354. Does anyone know
the multiplication table?
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355. Please, please, don't panic.
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356. They can smell fear.
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357. Children, I know this is
highly irregular,
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358. but for the rest of the day,
Martin will be teaching this class.
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359. I will? But I wouldn't
know where to begin.
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360. Just do it, brainiac.
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361. Have I ever told you kids
about the '60s?
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362. I've got to get out of here.
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363. Calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean.
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364. Calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean.
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365. I'm leaving the
profession again.
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366. Now Mr. Glasscock,
please reconsider.
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367. Bart, the police
haven't had any luck
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368. finding the teacher's editions.
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369. The dogs have picked up
the scent of books.
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370. Send in the battering ram.
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371. Here we go.
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372. We're going to have
to reorder every book.
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373. Seymour,
I'll bet you a steak dinner
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374. those books are still here.
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375. All we have to do is
search every locker.
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376. Bart, I'm not sure
random locker searches
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377. are permitted
by the Supreme Court.
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378. Pfft! Supreme Court.
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379. What have they done
for us lately?
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380. Let's move.
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381. Baa!
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382. Lisa!
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383. That's right.
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384. It was I.
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385. - Lis, why did you do it?
- Come on, Bart!
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386. In your pre-fascist days,
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387. you knew the giddy thrill
of futile rebellion.
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388. Yeah, but even I had my limits.
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389. You're looking
at expulsion for this.
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390. I know! I know!
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391. The books!
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392. Answers! Answers!
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393. Simpson, you've just saved
this school $120.
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394. Who's behind
this monstrous crime?
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395. I am.
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396. I've been so blind. In retrospect,
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397. the signs all pointed
to a rogue hall monitor.
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398. Sorry if I betrayed your
trust, Principal Sucker.
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399. Now, Bart, in light of your
recent service to the school
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400. I've decided to be lenient.
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401. 400 days detention.
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402. 400 days.
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403. I can do that
standing on my head.
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404. All right, 500 days.
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405. Ooh! Big man!
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406. 600 days.
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407. Maybe I'll just
shut my big mouth.
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408. Let's go, Simpson.
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409. Bart, why did you
take the blame?
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410. 'Cause I didn't want you
to wreck your life.
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411. You got the brains and the
talent to go as far as you want.
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412. And when you do,
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413. I'll be right there
to borrow money.
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414. Bart.
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415. Sounding good, Lis.
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416. Shh!
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417. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.
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