1. D'Copy !req
2. Aah!Copy !req
3. Doughnuts.Copy !req
4. Hey, Homer, slow down.Copy !req
5. You're gonna choke or something.Copy !req
6. Don't tell me
how to eat doughnuts.Copy !req
7. Hey, Homer's choking again.Copy !req
8. Isn't there a first-aid chartCopy !req
9. around here somewhere?Copy !req
10. Somebody scare him.Copy !req
11. That's for the hiccups.Copy !req
12. Hey, look at this.Copy !req
13. Softball starts this week.Copy !req
14. Softball?Copy !req
15. Who's next?Copy !req
16. - Count me out.
- Not me.Copy !req
17. No way.Copy !req
18. What's the matter with you guys?Copy !req
19. Homer, last year
we were two and 28.Copy !req
20. - Look, I know it wasn't our best season.
- Actually, it was.Copy !req
21. Well, this year,
it's gonna be different.Copy !req
22. Yeah? What makes you
so damn sure?Copy !req
23. I have a secret weapon.Copy !req
24. Hey, he's been
holding out on us?Copy !req
25. A secret weapon?Copy !req
26. I wonder what it could be.Copy !req
27. - Count me in.
- I'm there.Copy !req
28. Come here, boy,
I want to show you something.Copy !req
29. What's that?
A homemade bat?Copy !req
30. It's something very special...Copy !req
31. A homemade bat.Copy !req
32. It all started last yearCopy !req
33. during a terrible thunderstormCopy !req
34. when I locked myself
out of the house.Copy !req
35. Sheltering myself with
a large piece of sheet metal,Copy !req
36. I ran for cover under
the tallest tree I could find.Copy !req
37. Something told me
this was a very special,Copy !req
38. very magical piece of woodCopy !req
39. that I could make a bat out of.Copy !req
40. I put my homemade
football on hold,Copy !req
41. and set to work making
the world's greatest bat.Copy !req
42. Homie, come to bed.Copy !req
43. Homer, go back to the garage.Copy !req
44. And here it is.Copy !req
45. Wow! How many home runs
you gonna hit with that?Copy !req
46. Let's see, we play 30 games,
ten at bats a game... 3,000.Copy !req
47. Hit one here, Charlie!Copy !req
48. Okay, lets go over
the ground rules.Copy !req
49. You can't leave first
until you chug a beer.Copy !req
50. Any man scoring
has to chug a beer.Copy !req
51. You have to chug a beer at the
top of all odd-numbered innings.Copy !req
52. And the fourth inning
is the beer inning.Copy !req
53. Hey, we know how
to play softball.Copy !req
54. Play ball!Copy !req
55. Attention all units!Copy !req
56. Attention all units!Copy !req
57. Armored car being robbed
at 5th and...Copy !req
58. Turn off that damn radio!Copy !req
59. And the next man wants
to hit the ball too.Copy !req
60. And he does.Copy !req
61. And there he goes off
in that direction.Copy !req
62. And everyone is happy.Copy !req
63. Mom, why don't you
let me call the game?Copy !req
64. That's alright dear,
I can do it.Copy !req
65. Men, stop that!Copy !req
66. Okay, Homer, bases loaded,
and you're up.Copy !req
67. Where's that secret weapon?Copy !req
68. Check it out, boys.Copy !req
69. My magic bat.Copy !req
70. That's it?Copy !req
71. Yeah, I got a magic bat too.Copy !req
72. And I got
an enchanted jockstrap.Copy !req
73. Yeah. Just watch.Copy !req
74. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
75. All right, Homeboy!Copy !req
76. Yeah!Copy !req
77. Ha-ha! Cops can't win!Copy !req
78. Get his license
and registration.Copy !req
79. Right, Chief.Copy !req
80. Wow, Dad.Copy !req
81. Homer, can I get you a beer?Copy !req
82. No. I want
to get him a beer.Copy !req
83. Kids, kids, kids,Copy !req
84. you can each get me a beer,Copy !req
85. but first, let's see it again
in super slow motion.Copy !req
86. Why you...Copy !req
87. Ooh!Copy !req
88. Such a mighty wallop.Copy !req
89. I got my magic bat off a piano.Copy !req
90. My sister let me use
her wooden leg.Copy !req
91. Good news, sir.Copy !req
92. The plant softball team
has won again.Copy !req
93. If we beat Shelbyville
next week,Copy !req
94. we capture the pennant.Copy !req
95. Did you hear that, Ari?Copy !req
96. My boys need only to
thump your tub,Copy !req
97. and the title is ours.Copy !req
98. Ha! The Gladiators
from my power plantCopy !req
99. will crush your team
like nine flabby grapes.Copy !req
100. I disagree.Copy !req
101. Would you care to bet
a million dollars on that?Copy !req
102. If we're going to bet,
why don't we make it interesting?Copy !req
103. What. A million dollars
isn't interesting to you?Copy !req
104. Did you say a million?Copy !req
105. I'm sorry.
My mind was elsewhere.Copy !req
106. I thought you would start
with a small amount,Copy !req
107. and we would
bait each other, and...Copy !req
108. Well, you know how it goes.Copy !req
109. Yes, certainly.
A million will be fine.Copy !req
110. Smithers, I've been thinking.Copy !req
111. Is it wrong to cheat in order
to win a million dollar bet?Copy !req
112. Yes, sir.Copy !req
113. Let me rephrase that.Copy !req
114. Is it wrong if I cheat in order
to win a million dollar bet?Copy !req
115. No, sir.
Who would you like killed?Copy !req
116. No, Smithers. I've decided
to bring in a few ringers...Copy !req
117. Professional baseballers.Copy !req
118. We'll give them
token jobs at the plantCopy !req
119. and have them play
on our softball team.Copy !req
120. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson,Copy !req
121. Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown...Copy !req
122. Sir?Copy !req
123. What is it, Smithers?Copy !req
124. I'm afraid all those
players have retiredCopy !req
125. and, passed on.Copy !req
126. In fact, your right fielder
has been dead for 130 years.Copy !req
127. Damnation!Copy !req
128. Alright, find me
some good players.Copy !req
129. Living players.Copy !req
130. Scour the professional ranks,Copy !req
131. the American League,
the National League,Copy !req
132. the negro leagues.Copy !req
133. I'm on my way, sir.Copy !req
134. And, Smithers..Copy !req
135. You have 24 hours.Copy !req
136. I get $50,000 to play one game?Copy !req
137. That's right,
Mr. Canseco.Copy !req
138. Well, it's a pay cut,
but what the hey.Copy !req
139. It sounds like fun.Copy !req
140. Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer.Copy !req
141. That's okay.
Happens all the time.Copy !req
142. Are you Mike Scioscia?Copy !req
143. That's me.Copy !req
144. How do you like working
for the Dodgers?Copy !req
145. Well, it's okay, but sometimesCopy !req
146. I wish I had something
a little more blue collar.Copy !req
147. You know, with big machines
and cool dials and stuff,Copy !req
148. like an oil refineryCopy !req
149. or hydroelectric plant.Copy !req
150. We should talk.Copy !req
151. And this is Elvis' rec room.Copy !req
152. When the king wasn't
rehearsing or exercising,Copy !req
153. he'd like to unwind by watching
up to three TVs at once.Copy !req
154. Man, man, what a lifestyle.Copy !req
155. Excuse me.
Are you Ozzie Smith?Copy !req
156. - Yes.
- I have a proposition for you.Copy !req
157. Hello.
Are you Don Mattingly?Copy !req
158. Yes, yes, I am.Copy !req
159. Come in. Come in.
Can I get you something?Copy !req
160. What's your name?Copy !req
161. How would you
like to be a ringerCopy !req
162. on a small-town
company softball team?Copy !req
163. Would I?Copy !req
164. And now I'd like
to introduce the new membersCopy !req
165. of our happy power plant family.Copy !req
166. - Our new security guard, Roger Clemens.
- Hello.Copy !req
167. - Our new janitor, Wade Boggs.
- How you doing?Copy !req
168. Our lunchroom cashier,
Ken Griffey Jr.Copy !req
169. Hey, what's up, guys?Copy !req
170. Our new, well...Copy !req
171. we'll make up jobs
for these fellas later.Copy !req
172. Please say hello to Steve Sax,
Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry,Copy !req
173. Ozzie Smith, Mike Scioscia,
and Jose Canseco.Copy !req
174. By the way, you new fellas,Copy !req
175. there's a sign-up sheet
for the companyCopy !req
176. softball team on the
bulletin board over there,Copy !req
177. just in case you wish to play.Copy !req
178. Mr. Burns, with them
on the team, you won't need us.Copy !req
179. Well, duh.Copy !req
180. You, Scioscia, sign up.Copy !req
181. Thanks just the same,
but I'm here to runCopy !req
182. the solid contaminate
encapsulator.Copy !req
183. One more outburst like thatCopy !req
184. and I'll send you back
to the big leagues.Copy !req
185. - You're Darryl Strawberry.
- Yes.Copy !req
186. - You play right field.
- Yes.Copy !req
187. - I play right field too.
- So?Copy !req
188. Well, are you better than me?Copy !req
189. Well, I never met you,
but... yes.Copy !req
190. It's not fair. Me and the guys
worked so hard to getCopy !req
191. to the championship game,
and now we'll be sitting on the bench.Copy !req
192. You hit so many
home runs this year.Copy !req
193. What makes you think this
Darryl Strawberry characterCopy !req
194. is better than you?Copy !req
195. Marge, forget it.Copy !req
196. He's bigger than me, faster than me,
stronger than me,Copy !req
197. and he already has more friends
around the plant than I do.Copy !req
198. You make me sick, Homer.Copy !req
199. You're the one who told me
I could do anythingCopy !req
200. if I just put my mind to it.Copy !req
201. Well, now that you're a
little bit older,Copy !req
202. I can tell you that's a crock.Copy !req
203. No matter how good
you are at something,Copy !req
204. there's always about
a million people better than you.Copy !req
205. Gotcha... Can't win, don't try.Copy !req
206. As your new manager,
I want to say this up front.Copy !req
207. No one is assured a spot
in the starting line-up.Copy !req
208. I don't care
if you're name is Steve SaxCopy !req
209. or Darryl Strawberry, or...Copy !req
210. Smithers, what's one of
the bad players names?Copy !req
211. Homer Simpson, sir.Copy !req
212. Or Homer Simpson.Copy !req
213. Secondly, instead of beer,Copy !req
214. from now on, you will
all be drinking this.Copy !req
215. It's a brain and nerve tonicCopy !req
216. rich in proteins
and electromagnetic juices.Copy !req
217. It promotes robust health.Copy !req
218. Of course it has been known
to cause gigantism,Copy !req
219. but only in rare cases.Copy !req
220. Try some.Copy !req
221. Wow. It's like there's
a party in my mouthCopy !req
222. and everyone's invited.Copy !req
223. Excellent.Copy !req
224. Now, let's begin
our training, shall we?Copy !req
225. Smithers...Copy !req
226. the medicine balls.Copy !req
227. Here.Copy !req
228. What are you gonna do
with your million dollars, sir?Copy !req
229. I don't know.
Throw it in the pile, I suppose.Copy !req
230. You are all very good players.Copy !req
231. We are all very good players.Copy !req
232. You will beat Shelbyville.Copy !req
233. We will beat Shelbyville.Copy !req
234. You will give 110%.Copy !req
235. That's impossible.Copy !req
236. No one can give more than 100%.Copy !req
237. By definition, that is
the most anyone can give.Copy !req
238. I got it!
I got it!Copy !req
239. Yes.Copy !req
240. Hey!Copy !req
241. I called for that.Copy !req
242. Put a lid on it. Simpson!Copy !req
243. There's no "I" in "team."Copy !req
244. Some of these guys
have a bad attitude, Skip.Copy !req
245. They sure do, Strawberry.Copy !req
246. Hey, Scioscia, I don't get it.Copy !req
247. You're a ringer, but you're here
every night in the coreCopy !req
248. busting your butt
hauling radioactive waste.Copy !req
249. Well, Carl, it's such a relief
from the pressuresCopy !req
250. of playing big league ball.Copy !req
251. I mean there, you make
any kind of mistake, and boom,Copy !req
252. the press is all over you.Copy !req
253. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
254. Man, is this ever sweet.Copy !req
255. - Me, me.
- Pick me.Copy !req
256. Pick me, pick me.Copy !req
257. I pick Ken Griffey Jr.Copy !req
258. Aw, geez.Copy !req
259. Okay, I'll take Milhouse.Copy !req
260. Hey Mr. Boggs, will
you be on my team?Copy !req
261. You got yourself a player.Copy !req
262. Damn!Copy !req
263. All right, I'll take Louis.Copy !req
264. I'll take Jose Canseco.Copy !req
265. D'Copy !req
266. Mattingly, get rid
of those sideburns.Copy !req
267. - What sideburns?
- You heard me, hippie.Copy !req
268. These guys aren't so tough.
I've got Wonderbat.Copy !req
269. Take a knee, boys.Copy !req
270. Tomorrow is the biggest day
of your lives.Copy !req
271. The Shelbyville game.Copy !req
272. So lights out at 7:30,Copy !req
273. and abstain from coffee,
tea, and cola drinks.Copy !req
274. Make no mistake,
they pack a wallop.Copy !req
275. Sure do, Skip.Copy !req
276. Yes. Now, before I post
the starting lineup,Copy !req
277. I want to assure those of you
whose names are not on the listCopy !req
278. that I'm very
disappointed in you.Copy !req
279. Something was lacking.
Let's call it heart.Copy !req
280. - No hustle either, Skip.
- That's right, Darryl.Copy !req
281. - All right.
- Way to go.Copy !req
282. Aw, nuts.Copy !req
283. Please, please, please.
I want to make the team.Copy !req
284. Clemens, did I make the team?Copy !req
285. You sure did.Copy !req
286. I did?
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
287. In your face, Strawberry.Copy !req
288. - Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey Jr.?
- No.Copy !req
289. Sorry, didn't mean
to get your hopes up.Copy !req
290. Smithers, there's no way
I can lose this bet,Copy !req
291. unless, of course,
my nine all-starsCopy !req
292. fall victim to nine
separate misfortunes,Copy !req
293. and are unable to play tomorrow,Copy !req
294. but that will never happen.Copy !req
295. Three misfortunes,
that's possible.Copy !req
296. Seven misfortunes,
there's an outside chance.Copy !req
297. But nine misfortunes?
I'd like to see that.Copy !req
298. What a nice little town.Copy !req
299. Maybe I'll buy a home here
when I retire.Copy !req
300. What seems to be
the problem, officers?Copy !req
301. That's enough out of you,
smart guy.Copy !req
302. Reach for your license.Copy !req
303. Slowly.Copy !req
304. Well, well. Steve Sax,
from New York City.Copy !req
305. I heard some guy
got killed in New York City,Copy !req
306. and they never solved the case,Copy !req
307. but you wouldn't know
anything about that,Copy !req
308. now, would you, Steve?Copy !req
309. But there's hundreds
of unsolved murdersCopy !req
310. in New York City.Copy !req
311. You don't know when
to keep your mouth shut,Copy !req
312. do you, Saxy boy?Copy !req
313. Mike, try to lift your arm.Copy !req
314. Can't... lift... arm...Copy !req
315. or... speak...Copy !req
316. at... normal... rate.Copy !req
317. Well, I'm afraid you have a caseCopy !req
318. of acute radiation poisoning,
Mr. Scioscia.Copy !req
319. Will... I...Copy !req
320. be... able...Copy !req
321. to... play...Copy !req
322. softball... tomorrow?Copy !req
323. No, by tomorrow, you'll
barely be able to breathe.Copy !req
324. Man.Copy !req
325. Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey Jr.
Needs to see you immediately.Copy !req
326. We think it's an overdose
of nerve tonic.Copy !req
327. Good Lord!Copy !req
328. Gigantism!Copy !req
329. My baby! My baby!Copy !req
330. Don't worry, ma'am.
I'll save your baby.Copy !req
331. Thank you,
Mr. Canseco.Copy !req
332. My cat!Copy !req
333. Never fear, ma'am.
I'll save your cat.Copy !req
334. My player piano!Copy !req
335. Man.Copy !req
336. One thing I'm good at,
and I can't do it anymore.Copy !req
337. Homie, you're good
at lots of things.Copy !req
338. Like what?Copy !req
339. Like snuggling.Copy !req
340. Yeah, but none of my friends
can watch me.Copy !req
341. And I sayCopy !req
342. England's greatest
prime ministerCopy !req
343. was Lord Palmerston!Copy !req
344. Pitt, the Elder.Copy !req
345. Lord Palmerston!Copy !req
346. Pitt, the Elder!Copy !req
347. Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.Copy !req
348. Yeah, that's
showing him, Barney.Copy !req
349. Pitt, the Elder.Copy !req
350. Lord Palmerston!Copy !req
351. Nice work, boys.Copy !req
352. I think we can close the book
on just about every unsolved crimeCopy !req
353. in our fair city.Copy !req
354. Don't I at least get
to call my lawyer?Copy !req
355. You watch too many movies, Sax.Copy !req
356. How long does it take
to see this thing?Copy !req
357. I'm kind of in a hurry.Copy !req
358. Well it's hard to say,
my friend.Copy !req
359. Once you go in,
you may never come out.Copy !req
360. Wow! One, please.Copy !req
361. Where do you think you're going?Copy !req
362. - To the game.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
363. I don't want you to see me
sitting on my worthless butt.Copy !req
364. We've seen it, Dad.Copy !req
365. Mattingly, for the last time,
get rid of those sideburns.Copy !req
366. Look Mr. Burns, I don't know
what you think sideburns are, but...Copy !req
367. Don't argue with me!
Just get rid of them!Copy !req
368. Smithers, it's almost game time.Copy !req
369. Where the devil are my ringers?Copy !req
370. Sir, Mike Scioscia may not
live through the night.Copy !req
371. Steve Sax is looking at
six consecutive life sentences,Copy !req
372. and Ozzie Smith seems to have
vanished off the face of the Earth.Copy !req
373. Cool!Copy !req
374. Well, what about Canseco?Copy !req
375. The dryer goes on the right.Copy !req
376. Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
377. What about Clemens?Copy !req
378. Sir, he's in
no condition to play.Copy !req
379. That damn hypnotist!Copy !req
380. You! Look what you've done.Copy !req
381. My starting pitcher
thinks he's a chicken.Copy !req
382. Make no mistake,
I'm going to report thisCopy !req
383. to the American
Hypnotical Association.Copy !req
384. But I did a good job...Copy !req
385. a good job...Copy !req
386. Well, I guess it's
not your fault.Copy !req
387. You did a good job.Copy !req
388. Mattingly!Copy !req
389. I thought I told you
to trim those sideburns!Copy !req
390. Go home!
You're off the team!Copy !req
391. - For good!
- Fine.Copy !req
392. I still like him better
than Steinbrenner.Copy !req
393. All right, you ragtag
bunch of misfits.Copy !req
394. You hate me
and I hate you even more,Copy !req
395. but without my beloved ringers,Copy !req
396. you're all I've got.Copy !req
397. So I... want you
to rememberCopy !req
398. some inspiring thingsCopy !req
399. that someone else
may have told youCopy !req
400. in the course of your lives,Copy !req
401. and go out there and win.Copy !req
402. Not so fast, Simpson.Copy !req
403. The man who plays
your position is still here.Copy !req
404. Hit the pine.Copy !req
405. You stink, Strawberry!Copy !req
406. We want home-run Homer!Copy !req
407. Darryl.Copy !req
408. Darryl.Copy !req
409. - Darryl. Darryl.
- Darryl. Darryl.Copy !req
410. Children, that's not very nice.Copy !req
411. Mom, they're
professional athletes.Copy !req
412. They're used to
this sort of thing.Copy !req
413. It rolls right off their backs.Copy !req
414. - Who wants peanuts? I got peanuts!
- Over here!Copy !req
415. Hey, wha, ho,
peanuts taste good!Copy !req
416. Hey, peanuts!
We got peanuts!Copy !req
417. Need some peanuts?
Heads up!Copy !req
418. All right, Monty,Copy !req
419. it's up to your
managerial skills.Copy !req
420. What to do...Copy !req
421. Smithers, massage my brain.Copy !req
422. Yes, sir.Copy !req
423. You, Strawberry!
Hit a home run!Copy !req
424. Okay, Skip.Copy !req
425. Ha ha ha!
I told him to do that.Copy !req
426. Brilliant strategy, sir.Copy !req
427. Dear!Copy !req
428. Children, tell meCopy !req
429. when your father stops
scratching himself.Copy !req
430. Kids?Copy !req
431. We'll tell you, mom.Copy !req
432. All right, tie game.Copy !req
433. Bottom of the ninth.Copy !req
434. Two outs, bases loaded.Copy !req
435. Strawberry coming up.Copy !req
436. They're going to win
the city championship.Copy !req
437. No thanks to me.Copy !req
438. Wait.
You! Strawberry!Copy !req
439. Good effort today.Copy !req
440. Take a lap and hit the showers.Copy !req
441. I'm putting in a right-handed batter
to hit for you.Copy !req
442. - What?
- You're pinch-hitting for me?Copy !req
443. Yes. You see
you're a left-hander,Copy !req
444. and so is the pitcher.Copy !req
445. If I send up a
right-handed batter,Copy !req
446. it's called
playing the percentages.Copy !req
447. It's what smart managers do
to win ball games.Copy !req
448. But I've got
nine home runs today.Copy !req
449. You should be very proud of yourself.
Sit down.Copy !req
450. Simpson!
You're batting for Strawberry.Copy !req
451. I am? Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
452. That a boy, Homer.Copy !req
453. You can do it.Copy !req
454. All right, Simpson.
Let's go over the signals.Copy !req
455. If I tug the bill
of my cap like so...Copy !req
456. Yeah?Copy !req
457. It means the signal is a fake.Copy !req
458. However, I can take that off
by dusting my hands thusly.Copy !req
459. - Got it.
- If I want you to bunt,Copy !req
460. I will touch my belt buckleCopy !req
461. not once, not twice, but thrice.Copy !req
462. I don't understand
a word he's saying.Copy !req
463. Why doesn't he just let me bat?Copy !req
464. I wish I was homeCopy !req
465. with a big bag of potato chips.Copy !req
466. Potato chips.Copy !req
467. - Got that, Simpson?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
468. Now batting for Darryl Strawberry...
Homer Simpson.Copy !req
469. - All right!
- Yay!Copy !req
470. Oof!Copy !req
471. Dear!Copy !req
472. No, Mom.
It counts as a hit.Copy !req
473. Dad just won the game.Copy !req
474. Well, I guess he'll be happyCopy !req
475. when he comes to.Copy !req
476. We won! We won!
All right!Copy !req
477. Homer! Homer! Homer!Copy !req
478. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.Copy !req