The Simpsons 3x14

Directed by Rich Moore

Phil Hartman as Troy McClure / Jimmy Apollo (voice)

Lisa's ability to pick winning football teams kicks off a strong bond with Homer.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'

2. Aah!

3. I am not cleaning that.

4. Who am I kidding?

5. Now, Maggie...

6. when you grow up

7. you can suck your pacifier all you want.

8. Extra mustard for Bart's

9. sliced diagonally, not length-wise.

10. Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust.

11. Double bologna for Homer...

12. Where's my lucky red cap...

13. Mom, I hate those pimento things...

14. Marge, I split my pants again.

15. Ooh! Can I have two sandwiches today?

16. - Make them bologna... - Mom, I can't eat those...

17. One at a time! One at a time!

18. - Double bologna! - No pimentos!

19. - Don't forget to make it... - Mom, where's my...

20. That's enough!

21. There you go, Lisa... No pimentos.

22. Bart, your hat's where you left it... behind the toilet.

23. Homer, I'll sew your pants, but I'm out of bologna.

24. - Thanks, Mom. - Thanks, Mom.

25. D'

26. Videos to return

27. grocery list, flea dip for the cat

28. Homer's dry cleaning...

29. I think that's everything.

30. Marge, can you take my ball to Nick's today?

31. A bottle cap got lodged in the finger hole.

32. Homer, I'm running late as it is.

33. Can't you just use one of the balls at the alley?

34. Alley balls?

35. All right. Don't whine.

36. Just put it in my left hand.

37. Kids, hurry up or you're going to miss your bus.

38. - No way. - Never happen.

39. Well, I'll be damned.

40. Mom, bart's making faces at me.

41. It's a nervous twitch,

42. and I'm a little sensitive about it

43. if you don't mind.

44. Mom, he's doing it again!

45. Bart, quit it. Quit it!

46. Hey, quit it, quit it, quit it.

47. Mom!

48. Get... out!

49. Fruit leather...

50. tree fresh imitation orange drink...

51. Krusty brand duck sausage pizza...

52. Sorry lady, you've got the wrong Nick's.

53. You want Nick's on the other side of town.

54. I don't know what Nicky's telling you.

55. I haven't flushed a ball in years.

56. This miserable stress headache.

57. Feels like there's a rat in my brain!

58. It's time for another Bill and Marty

59. classic crank call.

60. Hello, is this Mr. Justin Sherman?

61. Yes.

62. Sir, your wife is dead.

63. God, no!

64. That's right.

65. She just walked through a plate glass window.

66. There's blood everywhere.

67. But I just talked to her.

68. Bart's making faces.

69. Where's my lucky red cap?

70. - Alley balls? - Your wife is dead.

71. I haven't flushed a ball in years.

72. Noooo!

73. Look, lady, this better be good.

74. This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky.

75. We've got big problems

76. on the Springfield Memorial Bridge, people.

77. Traffic going waaay back in both directions.

78. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm

79. 'cause I just dropped my bagel.

80. She's locked in the car and refuses to move.

81. Did you flash your lights?

82. Yes.

83. Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.

84. All right!

85. A chance to catch some rays.

86. Come on! Come on!

87. I got a body in the trunk.

88. Mr. Genie, stop fiddling with the buttons.

89. Now you've gotten chocolate all over everything!

90. This is Kent Brockman

91. reporting live from Arnie Pie's traffic copter

92. but I can assure you, this is no mere morning traffic report.

93. Hey!

94. Face the facts Arnie.

95. An overworked and under-appreciated housewife

96. has snapped and parked her car on the bridge,

97. refusing to budge.

98. This reporter is now going to be lowered down

99. in the Channel 6 sky harness for an exclusive interview.

100. Hey!

101. Hey sweetheart, what's the matter?

102. Not getting enough of the good stuff at home?

103. D'

104. Let me through. Let me through.

105. I'm her husband.

106. That explains a lot.

107. Try to talk her out of there

108. but don't put your lips on it or anything.

109. Hello.

110. Hello!

111. Is this thing on?

112. Hello?

113. Homer, is that you?

114. What should I say?

115. Well how about, "Yes, it's me"?

116. Yes, it's me.

117. Tell her you love her.

118. I love you very much.

119. Awww.

120. And...

121. later tonight, I think you and I should...

122. snuggle?

123. Ha, ha!

124. Why don't you just wrap it up?

125. Look, Marge, I can tell something's bothering you

126. but if you come out of that car

127. I promise to do whatever it takes

128. to make it better.

129. Please, honey?

130. Okay.

131. Cuff her, boys!

132. Off the record, ma'am, all the gals on the force

133. - knew just how you felt. - That's nice.

134. Do you think you could loosen my cuffs?

135. No.

136. Don't you worry, Mr. Mayor.

137. This little bird'll be cracking rocks by the end of the week.

138. Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go!

139. But she broke the law.

140. Thanks for the civics lesson.

141. Now listen to me. If Marge Simpson goes to jail,

142. I can kiss the chick vote good-bye

143. and if I go down, you're gonna break my fall!

144. Word to the wise, Quimby.

145. Don't write checks your butt can't cash.

146. Hear me loud and clear Wiggum, you bite me, I'll bite back.

147. You talk the talk, Quimby, but do you walk the walk?

148. I hereby declare today to be Marge Simpson Day

149. in the city of Springfield.

150. They're like trained seals... Toss 'em a fish

151. and watch 'em slap their fins together.

152. Well, all's well that ends well.

153. Good night, Marge.

154. Many years ago the Spanish explorers

155. discovered a little piece of heaven

156. nestled in the Springfield mountains.

157. They called it Rancho Relaxo

158. and so do we.

159. Today, it's Springfield's only two-star health spa.

160. Swim, play tennis,

161. or just sit and stare at the walls.

162. At Rancho Relaxo, you're the boss.

163. Remember, you can't spell "Relaxo" without relax.

164. Homer?

165. - Homer! - What?

166. I need a vacation.

167. What? But, Marge, we just had a vacation.

168. Remember Mystic Caverns?

169. I need to unwind.

170. I know you do, Marge,

171. but come on, you know what our vacations are like...

172. Those three monsters in the back seat

173. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

174. And let's face it, I'm no day at the beach either.

175. "Marge, can I have another sandwich?

176. Marge, can I have another sandwich?"

177. No, I mean a vacation by myself.

178. What?

179. You mean we're getting a divorce?

180. Marge, I can change.

181. No, Homie, no.

182. I still love you.

183. A lot of couples take separate vacations.

184. Well, okay...

185. but you have to swear you're coming back.

186. I swear.

187. All right, then.

188. Thanks again for taking the children while I'm away.

189. Don't worry yourself.

190. We've got six months of maternity leave

191. we're never gonna use anyway.

192. Homer, can you bring Maggie out?

193. Wish I'd thought of that.

194. She's starting to give.

195. Homer! If Maggie

196. really doesn't want to leave the house

197. maybe she should just stay with you.

198. Are you sure that's wise?

199. He'll probably trade her

200. for a beer and a nudie magazine.

201. For your information, I can take care of my...

202. See? Got her on the first bounce.

203. All aboard for Shelbyville, Badwater,

204. Kettlestone Testing Grounds, and Rancho Relaxo.

205. Good-bye, Homie.

206. Good-bye? Where's my clean underwear?

207. Check the dryer.

208. How often should I change Maggie?

209. Whenever she needs it.

210. Marge, Marge, how do I use the pressure cooker?

211. Don't!

212. This is Koma... W-K-O-M-A.

213. Restful, easy listening.

214. Coming up next,

215. a super set of songs about clouds.

216. Hello, Maggie.

217. Sorry, honey.

218. Mommy went crazy

219. and went far, far away.

220. So it's going to be just you and me for a while.

221. Just you and me.

222. Kids, you haven't touched your tongue sandwiches.

223. Do you need something to drink?

224. We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb, and soy milk.

225. That's all right.

226. I think I'll just hit the hay.

227. It's 12:30 in the afternoon.

228. I'm aware of the time.

229. Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed.

230. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.

231. In your bed?

232. And I should warn you, I'm told I snore.

233. Ooh, Divorce Court is on in 15 minutes!

234. I'm scared, Lisa.

235. You think you know fear?

236. Well, I've seen them naked.

237. Hello,

238. and welcome to Rancho Relaxo.

239. I'm Troy McClure.

240. You might remember me from such films as

241. "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die,"

242. and "Gladys, the Groovy Mule"

243. but today you'll see me in my greatest role...

244. Your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo.

245. Our tour starts in your very own room

246. where Relaxo-Vision offers you the latest Hollywood hits

247. and after midnight

248. the finest "R" rated movies Europe has to offer.

249. Ooh-la-la!

250. Today's selections are:

251. Chef Rodrigo, what are you up to?

252. Taste for yourself, Troy.

253. That can't be good for me.

254. It tastes too good.

255. That's where you're wrong, Troy.

256. This whole pot is only 14 calories.

257. Gregory...

258. where have you been all my life?

259. Feeling tense?

260. Then just push nine on your phone,

261. then the pound sign, then 4-8-3.

262. We'll do the rest.

263. Come on, Maggie.

264. Nummy-nummy-num.

265. Strained peas.

266. D'Let go!

267. Mmmmm...

268. Marge, it's times like this

269. I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.

270. Hi, Barney.

271. Thanks for keeping me company.

272. No problem.

273. Well, well...

274. if it isn't little Bart.

275. Remember your Uncle Barney?

276. Hey, Homer, let me hold him.

277. All right, but just be careful.

278. Whoa! Someone smells stinky.

279. It's me.

280. Bart, you really shouldn't be looking

281. through other people's things.

282. Find anything good?

283. I said it before, and I'll say it again.

284. Ay, caramba!

285. Hey, Lis, bang, bang!

286. Aw, Bart...

287. that's a blackhead gun!

288. Eww!

289. Best McGyver ever.

290. Richard Dean Anderson will be in my dreams tonight.

291. Good night, my little pork chop.

292. Maggie?

293. Time for your 9:00 a.m. feeding.

294. Heh, heh, heh.

295. Maggie?

296. Maggie?

297. Maggie?

298. Hoo...

299. Maggie!

300. Man.

301. You want a bad night?

302. Try sleeping on one of these.

303. Barney, I've lost the baby.

304. It's the worst thing I've ever done.

305. Don't worry. Don't worry.

306. You know what I'm gonna do?

307. I'm gonna make you an omelet.

308. Just help me look.

309. Are you sure?

310. I make them with two kinds of cheese.

311. - C'mon! - Whoa!

312. Hey, Homer, I think I've got her.

313. Come on!

314. Barney, you're gonna pull her arm off!

315. The sooner I get her out,

316. the sooner we can have omelets.

317. So, what's the verdict?

318. Dear God.

319. I can't even put a bag over my head.

320. Yes, you can.

321. Hello, I'd like the department of missing babies.

322. Please hold.

323. I guess I've done everything.

324. By now you've seen what Rancho Relaxo has to offer.

325. But remember, we can't tell you how to have a good time.

326. You have to tell us.

327. As I said to Delores Montenegro in "Calling All Quakers"...

328. "Have it your way, baby."

329. Hello, room service?

330. This is Marge Simpson.

331. I'd like a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream

332. and some chocolate chip cheesecake

333. and a bottle of tequila.

334. Let's get out of here, Thelma.

335. Okay, Louise.

336. What do you want?

337. I came to see the kids.

338. Wait here...

339. and don't steal any light bulbs.

340. Dad!

341. Hey, kids.

342. You haven't seen Maggie around anyplace, have you?

343. Well, I got to go.

344. Come on, kids.

345. It's time to rub Aunt Patty's feet.

346. Hello, Gov'nor.

347. Lube job while you wait?

348. Don't touch me.

349. - Yello. - Hi, Homie.

350. I feel much better.

351. Listen, Marge...

352. how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away?

353. Homer, that's awful.

354. Well, I got good news for you.

355. The dog didn't run away.

356. Well, good.

357. I'm coming home, honey.

358. You can pick me up at the train station in an hour,

359. and bring the kids. Bye.

360. D'

361. Please, don't jump.

362. I know you're going through some tough times

363. but you have your whole life ahead of you.

364. Well, Marge... Maggie was very young.

365. It's not like we got so attached to her.

366. No.

367. Marge, isn't life funny?

368. One day, they're babies,

369. the next thing you know, they're off on their own.

370. Are you the man who reported the lost baby?

371. - Yes. - Can you describe her?

372. She's small...

373. she's a girl...

374. - Bingo! - Maggie!

375. Not so fast.

376. You're wanted on three counts of criminal neglect.

377. You found my baby!

378. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

379. Schucks.

380. Just don't do it again, you big lug.

381. You're not going anywhere.

382. Hi! Did you miss me?

383. Never leave again! Never leave again!

384. Never leave again.

385. I missed you too.

386. And from now on, I hope you'll help me out

387. a little more than you used to.

388. You got it, sweetheart.

389. You have enough blanket, there?

390. Well, I could use a little more.

391. And sometimes, I want a little time to myself

392. and I expect you to help...

393. Mom...

394. I think I speak

395. for everyone in this bed

396. when I say you have nothing to worry about.

397. Now, let's just try and get

398. a little shut-eye. Okay?

399. Shh!

400. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.