The Simpsons 30x3

Directed by Rob Oliver

H. Jon Benjamin as Bob Belcher (voice) • Dan Mintz as Tina Belcher (voice) • Kristen Schaal as Louise Belcher (voice)

God and St. Peter contemplate what merits a soul getting into heaven, while citizens of Springfield remember their divine encounters.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Huh?

2. - (Bob's Burgers theme song playing) - Huh?

3. Rats!

4. - Hey, is there someone in the restaurant? - Oh, yeah.

5. - Aw, he looks scared. - Can we keep him? Can we keep him?

6. No.

7. We'll name him Bob Number One.

8. And, Dad, you can just go by Bob Number Two,

9. - or maybe no name at all.

10. Wait. Why would I be Bob Number Two or no name?

11. - I am Bob. - Well, yeah, but this is Bob,

12. so now we're, like, Bob and Bob.

13. - I don't like it. - You can't just name a guy Bob.

14. - Yeah, you can. Somebody did it to you. - That's true.

15. Bob Number Two is throwing out some major 'tude right now.

16. - Isn't he, though? - Yeah, lose the 'tude.

17. It is kind of nice to have someone in the restaurant. Yeah.

18. - What's he doing? - If he's robbing us,

19. I feel sorry for him.

20. No. Don't say that. We're fun to rob.

21. Maybe he's just looking for the bathroom.

22. You're overthinking it, bro!

23. Just go anywhere! I'll clean it up!

24. No way.

25. ♪ The Simpsons

26. ♪ In Heaven!

27. Where is everybody?

28. Didn't we just build a whole new mixed-use complex

29. for the baby boomers?

30. Ugh.

31. I'm just following the admissions criteria.

32. Can't we just tweak them a bit?

33. It's easier to get in to Upper West Side preschools.

34. All we're getting up here are little old ladies

35. and Promise Keepers.

36. Have you accepted the Lord?

37. I'm here, dimwit.

38. Frankly, those guys weird me out.

39. We have interesting people. Look, Tracy Morgan's here.

40. Tracy, what are you doing here?

41. - You're all better. - Nobody tells me these things!

42. - You gonna stop that? - Eh, it'll stop on its own.

43. We've got to get more people in here.

44. Ned Flanders is about to talk about that very topic.

45. Do the people my daddy shoots go to Heaven?

46. They do if they haven't done anything wrong.

47. So, a lot of them, yes.

48. Come on, kids, think about it. Why do people get into Heaven?

49. Clayton Kersh...

50. ♪ I seem to find

51. ♪ Dancing cheek to cheek.

52. Well, nobody said Sunday school kids were geniuses.

53. Kids, there's only one way into Heaven.

54. Never stray from the path of righteousness.

55. Easy for you to say.

56. With a mustache like that, you're an obvious narc.

57. The truth is, this mustache is a memento

58. of the awful sinner I used to be.

59. I was raised with no religion. Our house was a den of bebop.

60. Neddy, you're coloring inside the lines.

61. Rules are for fools, man!

62. That's right, baby.

63. Be free! Be free!

64. Go off the page. Write on the wall.

65. Color a cloud purple.

66. Jack and Jill are on the pill, man!

67. Godless and Maudeless,

68. each job I took became more depraved.

69. Finally, I became one of the most iniquitous men

70. that ever blew a wrapper off a straw: door-to-door salesmen.

71. Now, here's how I move these Karpet Kings.

72. I make my pitch, then I start crying, bawling like a baby.

73. The trick is I'm secretly clinically depressed.

74. - Haven't thought of that.

75. Not bad.

76. Slices of pie all around, Mabel!

77. So, rookie, your first day.

78. What do they have you pushing, water beds?

79. Well, I am reaching for the stars

80. with Vertebreaker trampolines!

81. - What's so funny? - They got you slingin' springs!

82. The kid's a hop jockey.

83. Don't worry, you'll be fine.

84. I know someone who sold two of those tot tossers.

85. In his whole career!

86. What those door-to-door ding-dongs

87. didn't count on was a little extracurricular activity

88. during Apollo 14.

89. Whee!

90. Over.

91. Whee! Over.

92. America caught bounce fever.

93. Trampolines were just what people were looking for

94. to forget the long quagmire that was Gunsmoke.

95. Before I knew it, I was the king of springs.

96. But after spring comes the fall.

97. Mabel! A slice of pie for all my friends!

98. Better yet, leave the tin.

99. - Well! - Well, how about that!

100. Big man, are ya? Real big man.

101. Well, big man, I got a headline for ya.

102. They just found out those things are a death trap.

103. Oh, sure, there's broken bones, concussions,

104. the occasional kid who goes up and never comes down,

105. but I wouldn't call them a death trap.

106. I mean electrocution, smart guy.

107. Those little angel makers you've been slingin'

108. generate static electricity with every bounce.

109. The mats are made of birthday balloon rubber and cat hair.

110. If you get to 500 bounces, zappo! French-fried kid.

111. I've put innocent lives in danger.

112. And my sales pitch strongly implied that wouldn't happen.

113. Eh, that's the game we're in.

114. If you don't like death, get out of children's toys.

115. I've got to stop him!

116. 401... 402...

117. - Wow! I knew he could bounce,

118. but I had no idea he could count.

119. 412... 413...

120. Oh, the brake pedal won't go down!

121. Why did I get these super shag floor mats? Why?

122. - 495...

123. 496...

124. 497... 498...

125. 499...

126. - Jesus. - 'Sup?

127. Lord? Why am I here?

128. Uh, Ned Flanders, you have been a sinner,

129. but you have taken the first step on the road to redemption,

130. and if you accept the word of the Lord— that's me—

131. I shall return you to Earth to carry forth my word of hope.

132. And, uh, like that.

133. Jimi Hendrix is here for your guitar lesson.

134. Hey, man. You been practicing what I told you?

135. Uh, yeah, uh, I meant to,

136. but, uh, I lost the pick in the hole.

137. - Of the guitar? - Oh. I wish.

138. I don't care, baby. Jimi gets paid either way.

139. Praise the Lord, I am reborn!

140. It's a miracle! He recovered without help!

141. In retrospect, I should have tried CPR.

142. Well, I'm a believer.

143. Come on, fellas, let's go spread the good word.

144. God is alive!

145. Anyone need a vacuum?

146. God gave me a second chance,

147. and as a sign of his mercy, he permanently scarred

148. my beautiful, beautiful philtrum.

149. Whoa!

150. And that's why I'm wearing this mustache till I'm just ash.

151. It wasn't till God seriously deformed me

152. that I fully understood his love.

153. So, Ned Flanders gets into Heaven.

154. It'll be interesting to see which wife he goes with.

155. Eh, either way, it'll be tough sledding.

156. Well, you know, Lord, if you want more people here,

157. there's a category you're not considering.

158. People who bring their dogs on planes

159. and say they're therapy pets?

160. I can hear you.

161. Oh, and nice to meet you, finally.

162. So, you made me in your image.

163. Well, it's like looking in a mirror.

164. - Not! - Who did that?

165. - It wasn't me. - Oh, you traitor!

166. Actually, I'm talking about people

167. who don't believe in God but are still righteous.

168. I'm talking about atheists, Lord.

169. Atheists?

170. I refuse to believe they exist.

171. Well, they do. Maybe they deserve a place here, too.

172. I'd like to talk about someone who should be in Heaven:

173. my grandmother.

174. My grandmother's 36, and she's got eight grandchildren.

175. Strong woman.

176. My grandmother was an atheist.

177. I'll just flip this.

178. Her name was Genevieve.

179. She lived in occupied France

180. in the darkest days of World War Two.

181. And she no longer believed in God.

182. How could a god allow this awful war to happen?

183. I stopped a thousand wars that would've been worse.

184. Nobody ever talks about that.

185. Perhaps her mélancolie came from her marriage

186. to the village's most notorious Nazi collaborator.

187. Bonjour, bonjour, Commandant!

188. And may I say, you put the "ja" in "jawohl!"

189. Ah, my dear wife. I'm just here collaborating,

190. mixing in a little treason.

191. You know, stuff that'll look really bad

192. in a documentary if we lose.

193. Now, with business booming, you can no longer deny your husband

194. the sweet fruits of marriage.

195. Mmm, oh, yeah, yeah.

196. I'm hooked. Mmm.

197. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah.

198. Kissing with your eyes closed never goes awry. Ever.

199. Why did I marry the model for the town gargoyle? Ugh!

200. Quiet.

201. Qui est là? Qui! Qui!

202. We're U.S. paratroops.

203. We've been roaming the countryside

204. disguised as French farmers.

205. You must leave now. My husband is a collaborator.

206. Well, I've got a screenplay

207. I've been looking for someone to help me write.

208. Not that kind.

209. If he just gets something on the page, that's progress.

210. Germans.

211. We're cooked. Worse than the Cubs in the '32 Series.

212. I'm not a sports guy. Do you have an art metaphor?

213. We'll be chopped up worse than a Picasso nude!

214. Now my alarm is palpable!

215. What are you gonna do, help us or turn us in?

216. Because I don't believe there is a God above,

217. we must make our own Heaven down below.

218. Ah!

219. Hurry now!

220. - Do we get tips? - Not in Europe.

221. Damn it. Now I know what we're fighting for.

222. Quoi?

223. Ooh-la-la! Dinner is served.

224. What an odd accent.

225. Are you really French?

226. Stinking customers!

227. You can't ask me personal questions.

228. Ah, you are French.

229. American fool. They'll see right through you.

230. You don't know the first thing

231. about world-class dinner service.

232. Now listen here. I know we may not look like much,

233. but when a fish knife needs to be placed just so,

234. they're the mugs you want.

235. I am your, um, uh...

236. How do you say "sommelier" in French?

237. Café Meaux. Meaux speaking.

238. I'd like to speak to Monsieur Pants,

239. - first name Pierre. - Un moment.

240. Pierre Pants? Pierre Pants?

241. Oh, come on, anyone in this joint Pee Your Pants?

242. - Heil humor!

243. Laughing is for Germans only.

244. Ow!

245. Now, precisely what part of France are you from?

246. Eh... Normandy beach.

247. You know, where the invasion's coming.

248. We must warn our Panzers!

249. We got to stop 'em, but how?

250. Don't ask me. I believe in nothing, except my country.

251. Come with me, fraulein,

252. and everything will be Nietzsche keen.

253. You can drink our beer, you can take our gold,

254. you can take my wife.

255. No, you can't!

256. Oh. Well, the marriage counselor said

257. we should try to find a common interest, so, uh...

258. Oh, Meaux, I am so sorry I ever made you kiss a fish.

259. That was a fish?

260. But this isn't.

261. Mmm.

262. There's more in the bedroom.

263. We have a bedroom?

264. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

265. So, it goes to show atheists can do great things, too.

266. All right, I agree.

267. We will open Heaven to the deserving atheists.

268. And if you let them in, there are a few mistakes

269. I'd recommend getting rid of.

270. Christopher Columbus.

271. Hey, what are you two talking about?

272. Nothing. What are you doing here?

273. I was looking for a quicker route to the bathroom,

274. and I got lost.

275. Oh, it's him. - Hey, dudes.

276. Who wants to rub my belly?

277. Now, why don't you consider other faiths for your Heaven?

278. Like, oh— I don't know— the way of the Buddha?

279. I say no shirt, no shoes, no salvation.

280. I say we have Lisa Simpson.

281. Well, there is redemption, and there are good works.

282. But there is another path.

283. A path to enlightenment without ego or possessions.

284. I don't know. Jesus is pretty fond

285. of that plus sign he's always carrying around.

286. Let me share the Buddhist path to Heaven

287. with an enlightened tale I call

288. "The Princess Not Affiliated With Disney."

289. Unless we are now owned by Disney.

290. In the sixth century B.C.,

291. or zero in the Buddhist calendar...

292. Oh, you have your own calendar.

293. What's today, the fifth of Bibbity-boo?

294. zero in the Buddhist calendar,

295. lived the spoiled Princess Siddmartha.

296. Siddmartha, sweetie, look what we got you.

297. Oh. A pony.

298. - 50 ponies!

299. Oh. Somehow 50 ponies

300. - seem less than one. - Oh.

301. The princess wondered, if nothing was denied her,

302. - why was she not satisfied?

303. Why couldn't she be happy like her brother

304. with his stupid multiplayer games?

305. Brother, do you not grow weary of this opulence?

306. Sometimes, but there's always the decadence.

307. There must be a middle path between opulence and decadence.

308. - Flatulence?

309. No.

310. Please, somebody, think of the elephants!

311. Princess Siddmartha, hmm,

312. perhaps the stars hold the answer to your questions.

313. Why don't you take a look?

314. Meh.

315. Those children have nothing, but they're enjoying themselves.

316. Maybe all these riches have blinded me

317. to what really matters:

318. goats' heads. Hmm.

319. That's mine.

320. Less.

321. Oops.

322. Disguised as a poor boy, Siddmartha sought out

323. the most learned scholars in the kingdom.

324. But she soon learned

325. Kathmandu U, like Budhanilkantha Tech,

326. was just another party school.

327. Excuse me.

328. You're wasting your lives, man.

329. It's the year zero. How much is there to learn?

330. Come on, girl. Let's find inner peace.

331. I will sit under this Bodhi Tree because I am void of ideas.

332. So, Siddmartha sat and sat and sat and sat,

333. willing to wait forever and a day

334. until she found enlightenment.

335. - Namaste!

336. Even though she strayed from our faith, I'm proud of Lisa.

337. That Buddhist kid's a really good person.

338. What? I'm just sayin'.

339. Mm, if we've learned anything

340. from these three tangentially-related stories,

341. it's that there are many paths to Heaven.

342. Maybe we should let everybody in.

343. Great idea. I decree that all with good souls are welcome

344. in Heaven now and forever.

345. How did I get here?

346. Well, you see, you were Smithers' plus one.

347. I demand to get in on my own merits.

348. I'll talk to him.

349. Don't be scared, boys.

350. That's just angels bowling.

351. Oh, I'm sorry about that.

352. - Oh, we consider it a blessing. Kiss-up.

353. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

354. Shh!