The Simpsons 30x16

Directed by Steven Dean Moore

Wallace Shawn as Wallace the Hernia (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Jimbo (voice) • Tress MacNeille as Dolph / Shauna Chalmers (voice)

When a romantic night ends in injury, Marge recovers by taking up kite boarding while Homer bonds with his hallucinated hernia; Lisa attempts to fix her parents' strained relationship by seeking advice from an unlikely source.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'oh!

2. You sit on me.

3. There's a remote in my crack.

4. Uh, Problems I Have!

5. I could use a slip cover.

6. Um, uh, Things Your Sister Would Say!

7. No. Uh...

8. You haven't replaced me since 1989.

9. Things a Couch Would Say!

10. - Yes!

11. Hopefully, we won't be out too late, Shauna.

12. Whatever.

13. And just for the night,

14. could you lose the tongue ring?

15. Whatever.

16. Homer, is it too late to change babysitters?

17. Yes.

18. So I'll have to stay home.

19. I don't think we have to— Homer.

20. Yes, Marge?

21. We both have to go to Drug Awareness Night!

22. I guess we have no choice.

23. Here's the number for the poison control center,

24. the allergy hotline,

25. and, if the kids misbehave,

26. Papa John's Pizza.

27. Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson.

28. We'll take great care of your kids.

29. "We"?

30. Uh, me and God.

31. Okay, then.

32. We'll see you soon.

33. Want to watch videos of pythons swallowing stuff?

34. Uh, can't we watch something with kittens?

35. Oh, there's kittens in there.

36. This is pointless.

37. We learned all the new dangerous drugs last year:

38. sprack, zup, borzo, and crystal bam.

39. I hear they're mixing bam with zup.

40. Interesting.

41. Bam and zup.

42. This seminar's already paying for itself.

43. Homer Simpson, are you watching football

44. through your pants pocket?

45. But do you know how much love is lost between these teams?

46. None!

47. Turn it off!

48. This bag of concentrated death

49. is what the kids today call "blizzard."

50. Allow me to demonstrate.

51. On Skin-ner!

52. Superintendent, I-I must protest.

53. I'm an educational professional who...

54. - That's a good boy.

55. Take your medicine.

56. Oh, let's get out of here.

57. I guess we can watch the PowerPoint presentation

58. in bed tonight.

59. Oh, that sounds magical.

60. Just don't be conspicuous.

61. Ooh, it's Lenny.

62. Homer, I found my birth mom!

63. Her name is Cheryl, and she wants nothing to do with...

64. A wedding expo!

65. Marge, there is no way I'd ever be interested in—

66. Is there a girl in that cake?

67. No, just cake.

68. Oh... that is so sexy.

69. After you, Marge.

70. Ooh, a wedding expo!

71. It's like going to a thousand weddings at once.

72. Sneaking in will be the most romantic thing we've ever done.

73. More than our real wedding?

74. A thousand times more.

75. I was pregnant, and you had a fever of 103.

76. 103.4.

77. Aw, you remembered.

78. It's so beautiful.

79. Oh.

80. Even the prenups are gorgeous.

81. Your bride will look radiant

82. next to these hideous bridesmaids dresses

83. made in colors known to scare seagulls.

84. Oh, so beautiful!

85. Come back here, you.

86. You've got 12 more drugs to test.

87. I both see and am God.

88. Who will protect me when you die?

89. Nothing's gonna happen to...

90. Does this house have a mixer?

91. We could make face cookies.

92. Aw! You're gonna make such a good dad.

93. I feel like a walk.

94. You want to take a walk?

95. I feel glued to my seat for reasons I don't understand.

96. It's all over, sweetheart.

97. The curse is broken.

98. Grandma will take care of you from now o...

99. Ah!

100. Come on!

101. Let's see if we can both fit

102. in Homer's underwear.

103. This is very sobering.

104. Why did we think this would be cool?

105. What are you kids doing out so late?

106. Babysitter party at our house.

107. Why don't you come inside for a mug of cocoa?

108. - Coco-nut, that is,

109. to fill your belly with much-needed potassium.

110. Grins, people.

111. Thanks.

112. Potassi-yum.

113. This was a great idea.

114. It's like all the fun of a wedding

115. without the boredom of a wedding!

116. And who are you two?

117. Um, why, we're...

118. wedding planners!

119. Yes, and we're wondering about your products.

120. For our clients.

121. Well, the Toast Master is an AI-powered microphone

122. that guarantees your best man's toast

123. will be heartwarming and tasteful,

124. no matter how drunk or passive-aggressive he is.

125. Ooh. Give it a try, Homie.

126. Oh, I couldn't.

127. Pretend one of my sisters is getting married.

128. That hairy-legged ashtray?

129. Give me the mic.

130. When I heard a guy was marrying Selma,

131. - I thought, That poor... Genius.

132. - ... must be... - Fully sighted.

133. - ... and... - Not marrying her

134. to harvest her organs.

135. Thank God. The Heffernans.

136. Oh, right. That's me.

137. D.R. Heffernan.

138. That's "Doctor." - Right.

139. Dr. D.R. Heffernan.

140. The keynote speech is in two minutes.

141. - What's a keynote speech?

142. Imagine Dr. Heffernan asking me what a keynote speech is.

143. This way.

144. Finally, things are looking up

145. for the person I'm pretending to be.

146. And the number one new wedding trend is...

147. True love!

148. True love! True love!

149. Buy our book if we have one.

150. I'm starting to think that's not Dr. Heffernan.

151. What a...

152. perfect night.

153. You wait here while I go...

154. pay the babysitter.

155. I'm not paying you!

156. Get out of my house!

157. - Later. - And now, my lady, to the boudoir,

158. which I believe is somewhere near the bedroom.

159. Ooh!

160. Ooh!

161. Have I picked you up yet?

162. I can't te— Oh!

163. You're so light!

164. - Ow!

165. Perfect end to...

166. perfect night!

167. Voulez-vous coucher avec...

168. - What the? - Ow!

169. I guess we should stop listening now.

170. No one's making you stay.

171. Marge, I'm afraid your days of walking are over.

172. Oh, my God!

173. For about 36 hours.

174. By then, this mild ankle sprain should be good as new.

175. It's my fault.

176. Homie wouldn't have dropped me if I hadn't put on a few pounds.

177. Nonsense. It's not your fault you're married to a...

178. this.

179. And it was such a good date night.

180. Well, now it's a hernia morning.

181. See, you've got a tear in your abdominal wall

182. and a section of your intestine has pushed through.

183. Aren't you going to chuckle?

184. An inguinal hernia is no laughing matter.

185. "Inguinal."

186. Will I need surgery?

187. Possibly. But don't be alarmed.

188. It's just some scalpel work around your scrotum.

189. - A little more.

190. - Little more.

191. - Little more...

192. No, those are the wipers!

193. Oh, you just called OnStar.

194. Now, look, you two, you're not kids anymore.

195. Listen to your body. It'll tell you what to do.

196. OnStar operator.

197. What is your emergency?

198. Every comedian I thought is funny

199. is dead.

200. Hmm. "Possible side effects

201. may include hallucinations..."

202. mm, "irritability,

203. inability to fo... cus."

204. Blah, blah, blah.

205. "Do not mix with alcohol"?

206. Fine, I'll drink it separately.

207. Boy, get me a beer.

208. - Huh? What are you doing?

209. Helping you get better.

210. I was watching Animal Planet,

211. and they said, if it can't reach its own food,

212. the hippo dies.

213. Why, you little...!

214. Bart, honey, your father and I need you

215. to be a little more grown-up.

216. Can you do that?

217. I bet you can.

218. You got it, Mom.

219. Honey, I signed us up for physical therapy this afternoon.

220. They sound terrific.

221. Even booking the appointment,

222. they told me, "Great job."

223. Absolutely.

224. I want to get better.

225. I really do.

226. I know you do.

227. We'll start tomorrow.

228. Mwah.

229. I would caution against physical therapy.

230. Guys like us don't look good in shorts.

231. Oh, why is it never hair growth?

232. It's me, your hernia.

233. Homer, your doctor told you to listen to your body.

234. And I am telling you,

235. just take it easy.

236. Are you sure?

237. I just promised Marge.

238. Take it from your hernia.

239. Oh, you've got this, Marge!

240. Now, focus on your co-ah.

241. I guess I've been neglecting my key-aah.

242. Is it this?

243. No. All I can say is, if you have a muscle

244. and you know what it does, then that is not the co-ah.

245. Oh, the core.

246. Right, that's what I said— co-ah.

247. Now, what sports are we gettin' you ready for, Marge?

248. Rollerblading? Uh, Muay Thai?

249. No, nothing like that.

250. I only have to be in good enough shape

251. to take care of an immobile 240-pound man.

252. Ah, so Homer isn't coming, eh?

253. You know, I could go to him at work.

254. Oh, he's got enough stress at work.

255. All right, well, we'll get you into something.

256. Uh, mountain biking? Free bouldering?

257. I got it. Marge, we are going to get you kitesurfing!

258. Kitesurfing?

259. I could do that with Homie.

260. You know what?

261. I'm not letting Homer drag me down this time.

262. Yes, I want to learn kitesurfing.

263. Kitesurfing's a simple sport.

264. All you need is the wind and the waves.

265. And a spreader-bar, bindings, impact vest, chicken loop,

266. donkey stick, squirrel clip, and, of course, parking pass.

267. Yeah, ruining people's day at the beach.

268. We are worse than sand in a hot dog, eh, Lou?

269. You know there's a double murder downtown?

270. Well, now it's a triple, 'cause you just killed my day.

271. Keep the kite swooping, Marge.

272. Follow the timing of my pecs.

273. Left, right, left, right,

274. left, left, right...

275. Ah. Don't look me in the eyes, Marge.

276. My pecs are down here.

277. There you are.

278. Left, right, left, left, right...

279. So, Mom is kitesurfing

280. while Dad is eating three desserts.

281. Oh, your grandma and I had our differences,

282. but we stopped arguing when she disappeared for three decades.

283. Oh.

284. Oh, it's so nice

285. to get an evening out just with you.

286. Can I get you a baby chair?

287. No? You're good?

288. Homer's-a talking to nobody.

289. The Cat Lady is eating with cats.

290. Ralph is in-a the lobster tank?

291. I'm expensive.

292. Homer, you're doing great.

293. Look at those guys— eating half portions,

294. trying to stay fit.

295. They're just setting themselves up to meet my buddies

296. Torn ACL and Pinched Nerve.

297. Now, you, you're smart.

298. The most strenuous thing you're gonna do

299. is fart "The Star Spangled Banner."

300. Mm, that's got a difficult range.

301. Is there an easier anthem?

302. Hey, the riskiest thing we're gonna do is have lasagna.

303. We just had lasagna.

304. Have it again!

305. Nobody's gonna stop you.

306. I love you.

307. Who are you?

308. Cirrhosis. What's it to ya?

309. Homer, I'm going to the beach.

310. I packed lunch for two if you want to come.

311. Oh, the beach.

312. Sure. Let's get sunstroke,

313. a hyperextended tendon,

314. and wrap it up by getting decapitated by a Frisbee.

315. Hard pass.

316. Sorry, Marge. Hard pass.

317. It's been so long since you made a move on me.

318. Or any move.

319. Um, how about if I drone you a kiss?

320. Hurry up, Marge.

321. We're gonna catch big air all morning,

322. sleep all afternoon, then boil a sheep for breakfast.

323. I'm still on New Zealand time.

324. Been here 12 years but can't shake it.

325. Please, Homer, you're my husband.

326. Get up and live.

327. Sorry, Marge. I got to go with my gut.

328. If you don't come after me, there's a big problem.

329. The drone doesn't count.

330. Hey. Can you watch the kids this afternoon?

331. Sorry, Marge.

332. Hernia.

333. We make quite a team.

334. Who are you talking to?

335. Hey, I do not have voices in my head.

336. They're in my crotch.

337. - Ooh!

338. Just call my sisters to watch the kids.

339. Let's drop him in the woods

340. and see if he can find his way back.

341. Our parents are drifting apart.

342. And as much as I don't enjoy doing this,

343. I need the advice of the only couple we know

344. that seems to like each other.

345. I'm stuck with you.

346. Relationships are simple, really.

347. Like, if Shauna's best friend Tiffany comes on to me,

348. I make out with Shauna,

349. but I pretend it's her friend.

350. Aw.

351. Tiffany. Oh, yeah.

352. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

353. Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Let's focus!

354. Focus.

355. Please give me something useful.

356. Okay. Your parents have just got to find

357. something they both like doing.

358. Like, I like laughing at losers.

359. And I make losers happen.

360. Common interests!

361. Of course.

362. Back now to live coverage

363. of Little XII college golf on ESPN-D3-2,

364. your second home for Division III sports.

365. Dad, can you drive us down to the beach?

366. I have a school project on... sea turtles.

367. Don't listen to them.

368. You can see me?

369. It's always the babies.

370. Hey. Where are the turtles?

371. There are no turtles, Homer. It's a trick.

372. These kids are trying to help you, 'cause they love you.

373. So there never were turtles?

374. No turtles!

375. I'm starting to think

376. there were no turtles.

377. Marge.

378. She looks so beautiful.

379. I've been such a fool.

380. And you forgot to get a parking pass. Heh.

381. Our work is done, Lou.

382. Oh...

383. I'll never let myself go like that!

384. I'm-a comin', Marge!

385. Ew! Gross!

386. Homer, you're making me mad.

387. And if there's one thing you don't want to aggravate,

388. it's a hernia!

389. I'm Marge's husband, Homer.

390. Homer! Good-o!

391. Would you like me to rehab you at work?

392. I could come right to you. Same price.

393. Maybe. But now I need your biggest, fastest kite.

394. - The Widdamaka? - What?

395. Can you say that without an accent?

396. The Widowmaker. - Oh! That's scary!

397. - Back to the accent! - The Widdamaka.

398. I'll take it!

399. When I got married, I took a vow:

400. "Something, something, something

401. till death something."

402. Homer! Rooster your gimbal!

403. Rooster your gimbal!

404. What does that mean?

405. Pull the rope!

406. The other rope.

407. Homie!

408. You came for me!

409. And I'll never leave you.

410. Except right now when the wind blows me

411. God knows where...

412. They're headed for a wind farm!

413. Whoa...!

414. Whoa...!

415. Whoa...!

416. Well, Mother, looks like we caught

417. a couple more kiteboarders.

418. - I'll get the big ladder. - I'll tell the hospital

419. their power's gonna be down for a while.

420. Strong woman, I love you.

421. And I love you.

422. And never again will I listen to a doctor.

423. Wait, that's not the takeaway.

424. Takeaway? That's a good idea!

425. Yello? Pizza Palace?

426. Can I get a Henry the Eight-Inch Pizza

427. with extra meat?

428. And a side of chocolate cheesy bread?

429. No such thing.

430. - Can you make it anyways?

431. Chief, I've got to make dinner for my kids. Could you please

432. - tell me what this is about? - Like most physical therapists

433. in America, this man is actually a Russian spy.

434. Nigel is a spy?

435. Dimitri Nigelovonovitch.

436. Did you ever wonder why he was so interested

437. in seeing your husband at work?

438. I thought it was close to his house.

439. Didn't you ever ask yourself how a beach bum like him

440. could afford a top-of-the-line 2007 Saturn SUV

441. with a full spare tire?

442. I guess I didn't want to know.

443. Just thank God, thank God your husband is entrapping him now.

444. Homer, I just need a few pictures of...

445. the co-ah.

446. - The what? - Goo-ah.

447. - The car? - Goo-ah.

448. Like a crow? Caw?

449. Co-ahr-car?

450. Damn it. Show me your reactor core.

451. All units, move in!

452. Shh!