1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. Refill!Copy !req
3. Kids,Copy !req
4. is there anything betterCopy !req
5. than when a restaurant
misprints a coupon?Copy !req
6. - And with the money we saved,Copy !req
7. your mom is getting
a Swedish massage.Copy !req
8. All the tension's goingCopy !req
9. out of my body.Copy !req
10. Now let's take one deep breath
of this classy placeCopy !req
11. before we go back
to our lousy car.Copy !req
12. Excuse me,Copy !req
13. that air is the property
of this restaurant.Copy !req
14. Fine, I'll give it back.Copy !req
15. - Good one.Copy !req
16. - Memory book.Copy !req
17. Okay, kids.
I admit we hustledCopy !req
18. the restaurant there,
but that's it.Copy !req
19. I don't want you to think
this is the wayCopy !req
20. you get ahead in life.Copy !req
21. Do not take advantage
of someone else's mistakes.Copy !req
22. - Your car, sir.
- But that's not...Copy !req
23. You see that, kids?Copy !req
24. It's the kind of car
they don't make anymore.Copy !req
25. Windshield that breaks into
a thousand glass razor blades.Copy !req
26. Your lap is the cup holder.Copy !req
27. Vinyl seats that can
melt your ass.Copy !req
28. God, do I want to drive it.Copy !req
29. Oh... so useless.Copy !req
30. This is the car
I've always wanted.Copy !req
31. You'll never have
a car this nice.Copy !req
32. You'll never have
a girlfriend this cute.Copy !req
33. That's right!Copy !req
34. And you'll never have
exhaust this toxic.Copy !req
35. Oh, I need this.
I've always needed this.Copy !req
36. Get in, kids, get in.Copy !req
37. Dad, what were you
just telling us?Copy !req
38. This is morally wr...Copy !req
39. Whee!Copy !req
40. Pull every knob.
Press all the buttons.Copy !req
41. Find out what things do.Copy !req
42. Don't you
"chitty chitty bang bang" me!Copy !req
43. Ooh, what's this crank for?Copy !req
44. Duh, rolling down the window.Copy !req
45. Hmm. How do I put on
the air conditioning?Copy !req
46. Uh, you're doing it.Copy !req
47. Aw, cool. An ashtray.Copy !req
48. A full ashtray!Copy !req
49. Uh-uh-uh!
Bad, bad, bad!Copy !req
50. Ah, smooth.
Bad, bad.Copy !req
51. Now, to tie them in a bow.Copy !req
52. My husband— he's doing
something incredibly stupid.Copy !req
53. Look at this beautiful color.Copy !req
54. Seafoam. This is what
cars used to look like.Copy !req
55. And what the sea
used to look like.Copy !req
56. Whee!Copy !req
57. Whoa!Copy !req
58. Put this on the list of things
we don't tell your mother.Copy !req
59. Including the fact
there is a list.Copy !req
60. Aw, it's over.Copy !req
61. Now, to teach you kids
a life lesson.Copy !req
62. Moments of pure joy
always have consequences.Copy !req
63. We already knew that.Copy !req
64. Yeah. Why do you think we exist?Copy !req
65. Quick!
Put on your innocent faces.Copy !req
66. Innocenter... innocenter.Copy !req
67. Uh, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm sorry,
you gave me the wrong car.Copy !req
68. The moment I realized,
I brought it back immediately.Copy !req
69. You stole my car.Copy !req
70. My precious 1957 Cadillac
Eldorado Biarritz convertibleCopy !req
71. in the original seafoam,
with the illegal brodie knob.Copy !req
72. Oh, God. Tell me right now you
did not touch my brodie knob.Copy !req
73. Absolutely not.Copy !req
74. This is the brodie knob.Copy !req
75. Oh. I was all over thatthing.Copy !req
76. You're in big trouble.Copy !req
77. They're gonna charge you
with grand theft auto.Copy !req
78. A lousy game
but a magnificent law.Copy !req
79. Listen, I'm sorry.
Really sorry.Copy !req
80. I just wanted to give
my kids a ride,Copy !req
81. show them the house
I was born in,Copy !req
82. show them the house
I'm gonna die in,Copy !req
83. then drive through
a cornfield for kicks.Copy !req
84. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
85. I gave you
the USS Enterprise,Copy !req
86. and you returned
with the Orville!Copy !req
87. I am so sorry.
You're absolutely right.Copy !req
88. I'll get it fixed by a pro.Copy !req
89. I'll get you a license plate
frame sayingCopy !req
90. "My other car is a..."
insert dumb movie reference.Copy !req
91. Tron Legacy Light-Cycle.
Well, okay.Copy !req
92. I suppose I could allow you to—
oh, God!Copy !req
93. No!Copy !req
94. My mint condition copy
of Radioactive Mannumber one!Copy !req
95. This was the comic
I always wanted mostCopy !req
96. since I was an athletic,
popular child.Copy !req
97. Look, you're a nice guy.Copy !req
98. When have you ever seen me
be a nice guy?Copy !req
99. I am pressing charges!Copy !req
100. Is this yours?Copy !req
101. Yes.Copy !req
102. Simpson, get on the bike.Copy !req
103. Put your arms around me.Copy !req
104. Now, head on my shoulder.
Yeah... aw, that's nice.Copy !req
105. And don't lean the same way I doCopy !req
106. or we're both dead.Copy !req
107. Uh, by the way,
you're under arrest.Copy !req
108. Uh, doesn't the law say
I need a helmet, too?Copy !req
109. Another law you're breaking.Copy !req
110. Why are you riding a motorcycle?Copy !req
111. It's not for fun!
I got arrested!Copy !req
112. That's worse!Copy !req
113. Your Honor, I'm scared.
Okay, I screwed up.Copy !req
114. If you'll permit, may I read
a speech in my defense?Copy !req
115. Did your daughter write it?Copy !req
116. Absolutely not.Copy !req
117. Sir, if an opportunity
came alongCopy !req
118. to give your kids
a memory they'll never forget,Copy !req
119. - wouldn't you hop
in the driver's seat?Copy !req
120. A golden day with their dad.Copy !req
121. What could be more innocent?Copy !req
122. All I know is that
as that gas gauge read empty,Copy !req
123. our hearts were full.
Full of love.Copy !req
124. Love of what our country does
build cars 60 years ago!Copy !req
125. I'm a judge.
But I'm also a father.Copy !req
126. A father whose ex-wife
only lets him see the kidsCopy !req
127. on summers and Christmas.
I don't need you to rub it in.Copy !req
128. I find the defendant guilty.Copy !req
129. Your Honor, I'm not the one
on trial here.Copy !req
130. Yes, you are.Copy !req
131. "Hire a lawyer," I said.
"Waste of money," he said.Copy !req
132. This is what I spend my time
in courtroom audiences for.Copy !req
133. This is my Starbucks.Copy !req
134. Two weeks.
Two weeks to turn this around.Copy !req
135. Lisa, can we get the stateCopy !req
136. to change its sentencing
guidelinesCopy !req
137. in the next two weeks?Copy !req
138. Ah, the legislative calendar
is pretty full.Copy !req
139. And they take off
the second week for Easter.Copy !req
140. RomanEaster! To the Byzantine
world, it's nothing!Copy !req
141. I'm afraid we have to prepare
for the possibilityCopy !req
142. that you might go to prison.Copy !req
143. The Arts and Incarceration
Channel presents...Copy !req
144. What advice would you give
to a new inmate?Copy !req
145. Everything can be a weapon.Copy !req
146. I saw a guy get his eye gouged
with uncooked spaghetti.Copy !req
147. You sound
like you've seen a lot.Copy !req
148. I've seen things and done things
I ain't proud of.Copy !req
149. And I'm the chaplain.Copy !req
150. I can't take this, Marge.Copy !req
151. Maybe I can make peace
with Comic Book Guy.Copy !req
152. Do you think so?
He's an angry man.Copy !req
153. His favorite thing is Star Wars,
and he hates Star Wars.Copy !req
154. I'll talk to him.Copy !req
155. Careful, Marge.
He's a lazy, overweight slob.Copy !req
156. Don't fall in love with him.Copy !req
157. Comic Book Guy,
my husband is reallysorry.Copy !req
158. Okay, he screwed up.
But he doesn't belong in prison.Copy !req
159. I beg to differ.
That car is very special to me.Copy !req
160. When I was young,
my father took me in it to...Copy !req
161. - Buy comic books?
- No, not comic books.Copy !req
162. Everything in my life
is not comic books, okay?Copy !req
163. We bought baseball cards.Copy !req
164. Look, we'll detail your car
and fix your comic book.Copy !req
165. This is not about my car.
It is about me getting respect.Copy !req
166. I want all the Little Lulus
five dollars can buy.Copy !req
167. And make it snappy,
Blobba the Hutt.Copy !req
168. Jabba is actually quite slim!
For a Hutt.Copy !req
169. Just get the Lulus.Copy !req
170. Or I'll take my business
to Build-A-Bear.Copy !req
171. Here you go. Five dollars'
worth of Little Lulus.Copy !req
172. As for you, I am not budging.Copy !req
173. Like the door of Superman's
Fortress of SolitudeCopy !req
174. when the Beatles tried to visit.
Pure folly.Copy !req
175. That comic is noncanonical.Copy !req
176. The only thing noncanonical
in my store is SnoopyCopy !req
177. dressed as Sgt. Rock
for an ill-timed Vietnam war ad.Copy !req
178. I see. Well, I'm sorry
to have bothered you.Copy !req
179. Yes, don't let the door hit you
on the way out.Copy !req
180. No, seriously.
It's just been painted.Copy !req
181. Oh. That's what
being nice gets you.Copy !req
182. Mom, Dad, I think I found
the answer on the Internet!Copy !req
183. Lisa, nothing good
ever comes from YouTube.Copy !req
184. Except ducks eating watermelon.Copy !req
185. No, no.
Sentencing mitigation videos.Copy !req
186. People have had
their jail terms reduced,Copy !req
187. or even gotten off death rowCopy !req
188. by producing slick
video appeals to the judge.Copy !req
189. Finally, a way for rich people
to bend the system their way.Copy !req
190. Mr. Burns got off the hook onceCopy !req
191. by using a video directed
by Guillermo del Toro.Copy !req
192. Hello, I am, uh, film director
Guillermo del Toro.Copy !req
193. Uh, when I was a young boy,
I fell in love with monsters.Copy !req
194. Frankenstein's monster,
King Kong, Son of Kong,Copy !req
195. Nosferatu, Godzilla,
Mechagodzilla,Copy !req
196. Godzilla's nephew Godzooky,Copy !req
197. Mothra the caterpillar,
Mothra the moth,Copy !req
198. the Blob fromThe Blob...Copy !req
199. and Godzilla's cousin,
Sheldon Godzilla.Copy !req
200. Lesser known
but equally horrifying.Copy !req
201. Monsters, yes.
But they are capable of love.Copy !req
202. Which brings us
to Montgomery Burns.Copy !req
203. Oh, hello.Copy !req
204. Did someone mention me?Copy !req
205. From birth, he was not wanted.Copy !req
206. Then came the real monsters:Copy !req
207. the bullies that hated him
just because he was wealthy.Copy !req
208. And maybe he rubbed it in
a little.Copy !req
209. But no one knows
the real Mr. Burns.Copy !req
210. I love Señor Burns.Copy !req
211. Who are you?Copy !req
212. He combines the ancient evil
of CthulhuCopy !req
213. with the trim physique
of Slender Man.Copy !req
214. Señor Burns demonstrates
that in all so-called monstersCopy !req
215. beats a heart.
Thank you for listening.Copy !req
216. And thank you,
Georgia Film Commission,Copy !req
217. for the 22% discount.Copy !req
218. I'll see you wherever
free people congregate.Copy !req
219. Like the Yale Club.Copy !req
220. Wow. Maybe I've been
all wrong about evil.Copy !req
221. Once again, Mr. del Toro
stripped away the darknessCopy !req
222. and found beauty at its core.Copy !req
223. Like that fish-snuggling movie.Copy !req
224. Excuse me.Copy !req
225. Ah... you told me you've
never been to Missouri.Copy !req
226. You're right, honey.
Hollywood can solve anything.Copy !req
227. Except its own lack
of creativity and diversity.Copy !req
228. Now, how do we make this thing?Copy !req
229. I think we should use
a videographer.Copy !req
230. There's one left in town.Copy !req
231. I will do anything
for your wedding video.Copy !req
232. Color, black and white, or
Polaroid Swinger, cha cha cha.Copy !req
233. I gotta warn you,
my camera hand is shakyCopy !req
234. because I have
a major vitamin E deficiency.Copy !req
235. No problemo.
It works fine if you justCopy !req
236. nod your head like this...Copy !req
237. You know, we could
just do it ourselves.Copy !req
238. Yeah. Those are the words
that are killing my profession.Copy !req
239. Now you say nice things
about me.Copy !req
240. So what is it
you're looking for?Copy !req
241. Words or something?
Uh, human words?Copy !req
242. Okay, uh, Homer Simpson,
uh, well, real family man.Copy !req
243. Yeah. Always brings his kids
into the bar.Copy !req
244. Not one of them aristocrats
who gets all bent out of shapeCopy !req
245. when there's a mouse
in his beer.Copy !req
246. Hey, Moe. I need you to file a
serial number off a wheelchair.Copy !req
247. Cut!Copy !req
248. Hmm... Homer Simpson?
How can I put this?Copy !req
249. Ah, we've never had an employee
get rehired so many times.Copy !req
250. Homer Simpson has two children
enrolled in our school.Copy !req
251. That's all I'm
comfortable saying.Copy !req
252. All right, let's see
what you got.Copy !req
253. I had to edit a little.Copy !req
254. Homer Simpson. Family man.Copy !req
255. Happy. Aristocrat.Copy !req
256. Too. Cool. Comfortable.Copy !req
257. Homer is a...
grace to the family.Copy !req
258. He is an ape... le father.Copy !req
259. I warned Marge... marry him.Copy !req
260. That's the best you can do?
I'm screwed!Copy !req
261. Not while I can use
Final Cut Pro.Copy !req
262. We'll start from scratch.Copy !req
263. Using the only two things
people still believe in:Copy !req
264. babies and dogs.Copy !req
265. Sorry, Snowball,
cats are polarizing.Copy !req
266. Please...Copy !req
267. just give us something
we can use.Copy !req
268. We're ready.Copy !req
269. Oh, now the dog
won't cooperate.Copy !req
270. There's a trick that always
works with Kevin James.Copy !req
271. He's a guy who gets off at 5:00Copy !req
272. and comes directly home
to be with his kids.Copy !req
273. He's incredibly generous
to his friends and neighbors.Copy !req
274. In his spare time,
he loves PTA meetings.Copy !req
275. Helping with the Cub Scouts.Copy !req
276. Or just going to the movies.Copy !req
277. This is Maggie, our baby.Copy !req
278. And she understands
what's going on.Copy !req
279. She's never said a word,
but I get the feelingCopy !req
280. she wants to say something now.Copy !req
281. Nee... Da... dy.Copy !req
282. What a man.Copy !req
283. And now we pray.Copy !req
284. Bless us, O Lord,
for this bountiful feast...Copy !req
285. Not that prayer.Copy !req
286. I must say, I am impressed.Copy !req
287. So, unless the prosecution has
a rebuttal, I'm inclined to...Copy !req
288. Not... so... fast.Copy !req
289. Do you have a video, too?Copy !req
290. No, that would be pretentious.Copy !req
291. - Very well, then.
- I have a speech.Copy !req
292. - Comic book sales is
a very fragile field.Copy !req
293. Kids hate to read,
the stores smell like fartsCopy !req
294. - and bubble gum...Copy !req
295. Then the things I cherish most—
my father's car,Copy !req
296. my precious, precious comic,
and most important,Copy !req
297. my dignity— were taken from me.Copy !req
298. I'm just your ordinary
small businessman.Copy !req
299. Never took anything from anyone.Copy !req
300. But I did dare to think
I would be treated with respect.Copy !req
301. I have so many fictional heroes,
Your Honor.Copy !req
302. For once, please
give me a real one.Copy !req
303. Best. Courtroom speech. Ever.Copy !req
304. Yes!Copy !req
305. I will render
my sentence tomorrow.Copy !req
306. I thank you.
Good night.Copy !req
307. Boom.Copy !req
308. Wait, wait, wait.
Do you want to go to a movie?Copy !req
309. I'll go to a movie
with you, Judge.Copy !req
310. - Youwon't be available.
- Oh.Copy !req
311. Dad, the computer says...Copy !req
312. That computer has brought me
nothing but troubleCopy !req
313. and sports scores
while I'm at church!Copy !req
314. A store in Ogdenville
just put upCopy !req
315. the same Radioactive Mancomic
that we destroyedCopy !req
316. in perfect condition.Copy !req
317. It's my last hope at freedom.Copy !req
318. I mean, how much could
an old comic cost?Copy !req
319. - Are you done?
- No.Copy !req
320. You can't be closed.
It's Tuesday at 4:30!Copy !req
321. Do you not see the "closed" sign
written in Wakandan?Copy !req
322. And I wasted high school
learning German.Copy !req
323. Was fur eine Schande!Copy !req
324. Well, German is Earth's closest
language to Klingon.Copy !req
325. Come on in.Copy !req
326. What do youwant?Copy !req
327. I'm extremely busy.Copy !req
328. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
329. I want to talk to you.Copy !req
330. I see we have reached the
epilogue of our little drama.Copy !req
331. No, not the epilogue.
Still plot. Still plot!Copy !req
332. Look, I know we've had
our differences,Copy !req
333. but we can still be friends.Copy !req
334. Like when Superman teamed up
with Lex Luthor.Copy !req
335. That was an imaginary story
written by Harlan EllisonCopy !req
336. because he wanted to get fired.Copy !req
337. Well, maybe thiswill
tickle your ponytail.Copy !req
338. The Ogdenville copy!
It lives!Copy !req
339. Am I forgiven?Copy !req
340. I'm afraid not. No.Copy !req
341. I don't have a choice.
The grudge is still inside me.Copy !req
342. Which is also the name of
a low-budget Roger Corman movie.Copy !req
343. Oh! What does it take?Copy !req
344. How to explain
what I am feeling.Copy !req
345. Uh... look around.
What do you see?Copy !req
346. Uh... a bunch of stuff
that other people threw out?Copy !req
347. Like a mirror,
you see everythingCopy !req
348. but understand nothing.
Get out.Copy !req
349. Let's go.Copy !req
350. Oh, my God! Oh!Copy !req
351. Is that a season one Welcome Back, Kotter
key chain?Copy !req
352. It is! The proof...Copy !req
353. a John Travolta
who is happy to be there!Copy !req
354. How did youget this?Copy !req
355. Did I ever tell you
about my Uncle Max?Copy !req
356. He was the halfback
in the family.Copy !req
357. If you gave him a sandwich,
you got half back.Copy !req
358. This is for you, son.Copy !req
359. Don't say I never
gave you nothing.Copy !req
360. Are you gonna give me
anything else?Copy !req
361. Nope. One thing.Copy !req
362. Homer, when you look
at your precious totem there,Copy !req
363. how does it make youfeel?Copy !req
364. I never thought of it before.Copy !req
365. I touch it all the time.Copy !req
366. I feel unhappy
if I don't have it.Copy !req
367. Sometimes I dream about it.Copy !req
368. I think I love it!Copy !req
369. Well put. Now understand this.Copy !req
370. Dah!Copy !req
371. That is how youmade mefeel!Copy !req
372. Now you see.Copy !req
373. And you may consider
the charges dropped.Copy !req
374. Let us shake hands,
drink rice wine,Copy !req
375. and enjoy Swedish Fish candy.Copy !req
376. Are you saying I'm off the hook?Copy !req
377. Yes.
In fact, you may be surprised,Copy !req
378. but you are now my best friend.Copy !req
379. So I'm not going to prison?Copy !req
380. No, you are going
to Comic-Con with me.Copy !req
381. Oh. Hmm.Copy !req
382. Let me see, let me see.Copy !req
383. Dad, just say yes.Copy !req
384. Is prison still an option?Copy !req
385. No. Not until you hold down
Harrison FordCopy !req
386. while I clip off
his fingernails.Copy !req
387. - Let's get to it.Copy !req
388. - What's this?
- Mitigation video.Copy !req
389. When I first met Bart, I was
just a nerdy kid with glasses.Copy !req
390. But now this
blue-haired butterfly'sCopy !req
391. ready to emerge from his pupa!Copy !req
392. Simpson, you think
this is helpingyou?Copy !req
393. Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.Copy !req
394. Skinner's
a jerk. Skinner's a jerk.Copy !req
395. Skinner's a jerk.Copy !req
396. Skinner's
a jerk.Copy !req
397. Skinner's a jerk.Copy !req
398. Shh!Copy !req