The Simpsons 2x9

Directed by Jim Reardon

Alex Rocco as Roger Meyers, Jr. (voice) • Alex Rocco as Roger Meyers Jr. (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Van Houten (voice) • Maggie Roswell as Helen Lovejoy / Maude Flanders / Animator #3 (voice)

Maggie attacks Homer with a mallet after seeing it on Itchy & Scratchy. Marge begins a protest outside the production offices, demanding the show be retooled to prevent further violence.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. A dash of rosemary

2. A smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram...

3. Ya' know, Marge. You make the best pork chops in the whole world.

4. Oh, now Homer, they're nothing special.

5. The extra ingredient is care.

6. A sprinkle of chervil

7. half a teaspoon of turmeric

8. and a whisper of M.S.G.

9. Marge, I'm gonna build you a spice rack.

10. You don't have to go to all that trouble just for me.

11. It's no trouble—

12. I got a whole garage full of tools I never use.

13. Hey, kids!

14. I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow.

15. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!

16. Hey, down in front.

17. Shut up, boy.

18. I knew all this stuff

19. would come in handy someday.

20. Lets see now.

21. Ah, here it is—

22. The Complete Handyman's Bookshelf

23. Volume One: spice racks.

24. "Pick up a hammer..."

25. It's not as easy as I thought it was.

26. Ooh!

27. Wow!

28. Hey, Dad, can you move your head?

29. No, I can't.

30. It's broken.

31. Where would an innocent child get the idea

32. to attack her father with a mallet?

33. No, Maggie!

34. Bad baby!

35. Keep her away from me, Marge!

36. She's got that crazy look in her eyes again!

37. So, television's responsible.

38. Hey, we were watching that! Mom, what are you doing?

39. Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore.

40. Ever.

41. But, Mom if you take our cartoons away,

42. we'll grow up without a sense of humor

43. and be robots.

44. Really? What kind of robots?

45. I heard about the cartoons.

46. Tough break, man.

47. Thanks, Nelson.

48. Hey, what if you watch Itchy and Scratchy

49. over at my house?

50. Hey, that's just crazy enough to work.

51. You heard me.

52. I won't be in for the rest of the week.

53. I told you.

54. My baby beat me up.

55. Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

56. Wise guy.

57. I wonder why Bart and Lisa

58. are so late getting home from school?

59. Hey, how come you can watch cartoons

60. but the kids can't?

61. - Because. - Because why?

62. Because I said so.

63. Because you said so why?

64. Homer, I'm trying to work.

65. Oh. What are you doing?

66. I'm cataloguing the violence in these cartoons.

67. I don't think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before.

68. What kind of warped human being would find that funny?

69. This is the kind of entertainment

70. they think is suitable for younger

71. and more impressionable viewers?

72. Yeah, but what are you going to do?

73. I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

74. I'm going to write a letter!

75. "Dear purveyors

76. "of senseless violence:

77. "I know this may sound silly at first

78. "but I believe that the cartoons

79. "you show to our children

80. "are influencing their behavior in a negative way.

81. "Please try to tone down the psychotic violence

82. "in your otherwise fine programming.

83. Yours truly, Marge Simpson."

84. Take a letter, Miss White.

85. "Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest

86. "in the Itchy and Scratchy program.

87. "Enclosed is a personally autographed photo

88. "of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection.

89. "In regards to your specific comments about the show,

90. "our research indicates

91. "that one person cannot make a difference

92. no matter how big a screwball she is.

93. "So let me close by saying.."

94. "... and the horse I rode in on."?

95. I'll show them what one screwball can do!

96. Everybody's looking at us, Marge.

97. That's what we want them to do, Homer.

98. Oh.

99. How long are we going to have to be doing this?

100. Well, I've never changed the world before

101. so I don't know how long it takes, exactly.

102. But if enough people take an interest...

103. Hello, Marge.

104. Oh, what is S.N.U.H.?

105. Snuh.

106. Oh.

107. It stands for "Springfieldians for Non-Violence

108. Understanding and Helping."

109. I've started a crusade against cartoon violence.

110. I can protect my own children, but there are many others whose minds are being warped

111. every afternoon at 4:00.

112. Oh.

113. That reminds me.

114. I got to get over to Milhouse's and... play sports.

115. All right.

116. And I'm going to Janie's again.

117. We're going to be...

118. making the most of our childhood years.

119. Have fun.

120. We will.

121. What happens when a child grows up

122. with insanely violent role models like these?

123. The answer is all around you.

124. How many of you

125. were hit on the head with mallets last week?

126. Yeah!

127. Yeah!

128. I didn't know they still made TV dinners this bad.

129. After dinner, can I watch cartoons?

130. No!

131. There's peas in my fruit cobbler!

132. There's peas everywhere.

133. Well, I guess I'll just go and watch some cartoons.

134. No! I'm sorry about the dinners.

135. I'll make up for it tomorrow night.

136. Hey, who's up for some cartoons?

137. No one!

138. All right.

139. Tomorrow night, how about baking

140. some of your patented pork chops?

141. Sure.

142. Oh, dear, I can't.

143. I've got three protest rallies tomorrow.

144. D-ohh!

145. 20 million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

146. Hi, kids!

147. Guess what, Sideshow Mel?

148. It's time for Itchy and Scratchy.

149. Hey, settle down, boys and girls

150. or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend

151. Corporal Punishment again.

152. Please, stop it!

153. What's going..? Who are you people?

154. What do we want?

155. Substantially less violence in children's programming!

156. When do we want it?

157. Now!

158. No! You're ruining the show!

159. Stop!

160. Please, stop.

161. Oh, please, please, be quiet.

162. I'm trying to earn a living here, alright?

163. Please, stop!

164. That woman—

165. That screwball Marge Simpson—

166. we've got to stop her.

167. But how?

168. Drop an anvil on her?

169. Hit her on the head with a piano.

170. Stuff her full of T.N.T.

171. Then throw a match down her throat and run?

172. All your fancy degrees, and that's the best you can do?

173. You make me sick.

174. ( crowd chanting ) Substantially less violence in children's programming!

175. When do we want it?

176. Now!

177. Substantially less violence in children's programming!

178. Hmm...

179. Heh, I'm so funny.

180. You know, some of these stories are pretty good.

181. I never knew mice led such interesting lives.

182. So much needless brutality.

183. I don't know if I'm having any impact at all.

184. Don't do that!

185. Don't do that!

186. Hey! Don't do that!

187. Take that, you dumb squirrel!

188. Where do they get their ideas?

189. What is it?

190. What?

191. Smartline?

192. Yes, I've heard of your late-night panel discussion show.

193. ( slams phone ) I'd love to!

194. Smartline—

195. with our local Emmy Award-winning host

196. Kent Brockman.

197. Hello, I'm Kent Brockman and welcome to another edition of Smartline.

198. Are cartoons too violent for children?

199. Most people would say "No, of course not.

200. What kind of stupid question is that?"

201. But one woman says "Yes—"

202. And she's here with us tonight.

203. Mrs. Marge Simpson.

204. There she is!

205. Also with us for this "animated" discussion

206. are Roger Myers

207. - Chairman of the Board of Itchy & Scratchy International. - Thank you.

208. Krusty the Klown, whose delightful program

209. brings us the antics of Itchy and Scratchy every afternoon at 4...

210. Hi, Kent! Hyuk, hyuk!

211. and joining us live via satellite from Vienna—

212. the home of Sigmund Freud, the world's most famous psychiatrist

213. to give us an insight into the human mind,

214. Dr. Marvin Monroe. Hiya.

215. Now, first, let's see what all the excitement is about. Here's an example

216. of the work currently being turned out

217. at I. & S. Studios.

218. Hilarious.

219. Now what in the world is wrong with that, Mrs. Simpson?

220. There's nothing wrong with it.

221. Excuse me, he was addressing me.

222. I know. There's nothing wrong with it.

223. Excuse me, there is! I think that it's a bad influence on children.

224. Oh give me a break!

225. I think that is a bunch of baloney, and here's why.

226. In preparing for this debate, I did a little research,

227. and I discovered a startling thing.

228. There was violence in the past

229. long before cartoons were invented.

230. I see. Fascinating.

231. Yeah, and there was something called the Crusades, for instance.

232. Tremendous violence, many people killed!

233. The darned thing went on for 30 years.

234. And this was before cartoons were invented?

235. That's right, Kent.

236. So much for your viewpoint. Hmmph.

237. Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment on all this?

238. Well Kent, to me, the hijinks of a few comic characters

239. absolutely pale in comparison

240. with the crippling emotional problems

241. a psychiatrist runs into every day.

242. I'm referring to women who love too much

243. fear of winning, sex-aholism, stuff like that.

244. So you have no professional objection

245. to Itchy and Scratchy?

246. No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures

247. is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn

248. dim the lights, turn on Itchy and Scratchy and laugh myself silly.

249. What the hell is wrong with that?

250. Not a thing.

251. Now, for another opinion...

252. Hyuk! Hyuk!

253. Hi, kids!

254. ( chuckling ) Krusty, please. We're giving you an opportunity

255. to participate in a serious discussion here.

256. Oh, I'm sorry, Kent.

257. It's just when the camera gets on me...

258. Hey hey! Hyuk! Hyuk!

259. - Krusty! - ( squeaks toy ) Oh.

260. Well, it looks like we're not going to settle this tonight.

261. Mrs. Simpson, in the nine seconds we have left,

262. can you summarize your position for us?

263. Yes. I'd like to ask all the parents in Springfield

264. who are concerned about this to write in

265. and let the cartoon makers know how you feel. Thank you.

266. I don't believe this.

267. "I will never watch your show, buy any of your products

268. or brake if I see you crossing the street."

269. Wow! That's cold.

270. "Dear sleaze merchant..."

271. Oh, come on, that hurts.

272. Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.

273. Hello?

274. Is this Marge Simpson?

275. Yes.

276. The Marge Simpson who fixed it so cartoons can't be violent anymore?

277. Yes.

278. This is Myers. I'm here with the writers.

279. Listen, you're so smart, how do we end this picture?

280. Hmm, well, what's the problem you're having?

281. Okay, here it is. Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone.

282. Make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw.

283. Okay, a pie!

284. - Anyway, Scratchy is understandably upset, - Um-hum.

285. so we figured he could grab Itchy and toss him in a bucket of acid.

286. Oh, dear!

287. But then we remembered

288. that this might be interpreted as violence

289. which is morally wrong now, thanks to you.

290. So what's your big idea?

291. How do we end this?

292. Let's see, um...

293. Oh, couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy?

294. Then they would both have pie.

295. It's different, I'll give you that.

296. It's a tool that every home handyman needs:

297. It's a jigsaw. It's a power drill. It's a wood-turning lathe.

298. It's an asphalt spreader.

299. It's 67 tools in one.

300. How much would you pay

301. for a machine that could do all this?

302. $1,000.

303. Oh, don't answer yet. Oh sorry.

304. Because you also get—

305. Hey, I was watching that.

306. It's time for Krusty.

307. You mean we can watch cartoons again, Mom?

308. Yes, dear, all you want.

309. All right! All right!

310. Turn it up.

311. Hey kids. It's time for Itchy and Scratchy.

312. Lemonade?

313. Please.

314. I made it just for you.

315. You are my best friend.

316. Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge.

317. I think it conveys a very nice message of sharing.

318. I think it sucks.

319. Oh, thank you, Maggie.

320. This really hits the spot.

321. Doesn't it, though?

322. You make really good lemonade, Scratchy.

323. Oh, thank you, Itchy.

324. Wasn't that funny, boys and girls?

325. Well?

326. Wasn't it?

327. Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons?

328. Nah, come on, Lise.

329. Maybe there's something else to do on this planet.

330. But the third bowl of porridge was just right.

331. Hi, kids!

332. Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!

333. Uh... is this Saturday?

334. So, what did you kids do today?

335. Me and the guys went fishing.

336. I almost caught a catfish this big!

337. Oh.

338. And Janey and I went bird-watching.

339. We saw a grackle.

340. That's nice, dear.

341. C'mon, Lise. Let's go finish our soap box racers.

342. Okay. May we please be excused?

343. Sure.

344. Wow!

345. What great kids.

346. This is a golden age, Marge

347. and the parents of Springfield owe it all to you.

348. I didn't really expect things to change this much.

349. I always knew you'd change the world for the better.

350. This will be the art event of the century.

351. The greatest masterpiece of Italian renaissance.

352. Michelangelo's David

353. on a coast-to-coast tour of the United States.

354. Sir, which cities will be included in your itinerary?

355. New York...

356. Springfield...

357. and if we have time, Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles.

358. Marge, get the door.

359. What in the world?

360. Get dressed, Marge.

361. You've got to lead our protest

362. against this abomination.

363. But that's Michelangelo's David.

364. It's a masterpiece.

365. It's filth. It graphically portrays parts of the human body

366. which, practical as they may be, are evil.

367. But I like that statue.

368. I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.

369. Come on, girls.

370. What is this all about?

371. What do you people want?

372. We want you to get your big Italian butt out of here.

373. Smartline, with our local Emmy award-winning host

374. Kent Brockman.

375. Is it a masterpiece

376. or just some guy with his pants down?

377. That's our topic tonight on Smartline

378. Now, Mrs. Simpson,

379. Why are you against this statue?

380. I'm not.

381. I think everyone in Springfield should see it.

382. Wait a minute. Aren't you Marge Simpson, the wacko?

383. Yes and no.

384. How can you be

385. for one form of freedom of expression—

386. like our naked friend over there— and be against another

387. form like Itchy and Scratchy?

388. Good question.

389. Well, I guess I can't, which is a shame

390. because I really hate those cartoons.

391. Oh yeah? What do you say to all those Marge Simpson wannabees out there

392. who wish to suppress David's doodle?

393. Um, I don't know.

394. I guess one person can make a difference

395. but most of the time, they probably shouldn't.

396. Well, I guess that settles that.

397. I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight.

398. Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be

399. "which is the one true faith?"

400. Well, there he is.

401. Michelangelo's Dave.

402. David.

403. Oh.

404. What's wrong, Marge?

405. Ah, Homie. Here the kids had a chance to see a great work of art

406. and instead, they're home

407. watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other.

408. Hey, don't worry, Marge.

409. Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School

410. is gonna come and see this thing.

411. Really? Why?

412. They're forcing them!

413. Well, isn't that nice.

414. Shh!