1. A dash of rosemary
Copy !req
2. A smidgen of thyme,
a pinch of marjoram...
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3. Ya' know, Marge.
You make the best pork chops
in the whole world.
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4. Oh, now Homer,
they're nothing special.
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5. The extra ingredient
is care.
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6. A sprinkle of chervil
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7. half a teaspoon
of turmeric
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8. and a whisper of M.S.G.
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9. Marge, I'm gonna
build you a spice rack.
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10. You don't have to go
to all that trouble just for me.
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11. It's no trouble—
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12. I got a whole garage full
of tools I never use.
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13. Hey, kids!
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14. I spy Itchy and Scratchy
off the port bow.
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15. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!
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16. Hey, down in front.
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17. Shut up, boy.
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18. I knew all this stuff
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19. would come in handy someday.
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20. Lets see now.
Copy !req
21. Ah, here it is—
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22. The Complete
Handyman's Bookshelf
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23. Volume One: spice racks.
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24. "Pick up a hammer..."
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25. It's not as easy
as I thought it was.
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26. Ooh!
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27. Wow!
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28. Hey, Dad, can you
move your head?
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29. No, I can't.
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30. It's broken.
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31. Where would an innocent child
get the idea
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32. to attack her father
with a mallet?
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33. No, Maggie!
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34. Bad baby!
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35. Keep her away from me, Marge!
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36. She's got that crazy look
in her eyes again!
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37. So, television's responsible.
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38. Hey, we were
watching that!
Mom, what
are you doing?
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39. Well, you won't be watching
these cartoons anymore.
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40. Ever.
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41. But, Mom if you take
our cartoons away,
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42. we'll grow up without
a sense of humor
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43. and be robots.
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44. Really?
What kind of robots?
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45. I heard
about the cartoons.
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46. Tough break, man.
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47. Thanks, Nelson.
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48. Hey, what if you watch
Itchy and Scratchy
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49. over at my house?
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50. Hey, that's just
crazy enough to work.
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51. You heard me.
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52. I won't be in
for the rest of the week.
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53. I told you.
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54. My baby beat me up.
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55. Oh, it is not the worst excuse
I ever thought up.
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56. Wise guy.
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57. I wonder why
Bart and Lisa
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58. are so late getting home
from school?
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59. Hey, how come you
can watch cartoons
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60. but the kids can't?
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61. - Because.
- Because why?
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62. Because I said so.
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63. Because you
said so why?
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64. Homer, I'm trying to work.
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65. Oh. What are you doing?
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66. I'm cataloguing the violence
in these cartoons.
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67. I don't think adults have
ever actually sat down and
watched them before.
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68. What kind of warped human being
would find that funny?
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69. This is the kind
of entertainment
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70. they think is
suitable for younger
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71. and more impressionable viewers?
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72. Yeah, but what
are you going to do?
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73. I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.
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74. I'm going
to write a letter!
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75. "Dear purveyors
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76. "of senseless violence:
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77. "I know this may
sound silly at first
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78. "but I believe
that the cartoons
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79. "you show to our children
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80. "are influencing their behavior
in a negative way.
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81. "Please try to tone down
the psychotic violence
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82. "in your otherwise
fine programming.
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83. Yours truly,
Marge Simpson."
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84. Take a letter, Miss White.
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85. "Dear valued viewer,
thank you for taking an interest
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86. "in the Itchy
and Scratchy program.
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87. "Enclosed
is a personally
autographed photo
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88. "of America's favorite
cat and mouse team to add
to your collection.
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89. "In regards to your specific
comments about the show,
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90. "our research indicates
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91. "that one person
cannot make a difference
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92. no matter how big
a screwball she is.
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93. "So let me close by saying.."
Copy !req
94. "... and the horse
I rode in on."?
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95. I'll show them
what one screwball can do!
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96. Everybody's looking
at us, Marge.
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97. That's what we want them
to do, Homer.
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98. Oh.
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99. How long are we going
to have to be doing this?
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100. Well, I've never changed
the world before
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101. so I don't know
how long it takes, exactly.
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102. But if enough people
take an interest...
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103. Hello, Marge.
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104. Oh, what is S.N.U.H.?
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105. Snuh.
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106. Oh.
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107. It stands for "Springfieldians
for Non-Violence
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108. Understanding and Helping."
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109. I've started a crusade
against cartoon violence.
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110. I can protect my own children,
but there are many others
whose minds are being warped
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111. every afternoon at 4:00.
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112. Oh.
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113. That reminds me.
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114. I got to get over to Milhouse's
and... play sports.
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115. All right.
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116. And I'm going to Janie's again.
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117. We're going to be...
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118. making the most
of our childhood years.
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119. Have fun.
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120. We will.
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121. What happens when a child
grows up
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122. with insanely violent
role models like these?
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123. The answer is all around you.
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124. How many of you
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125. were hit on the head
with mallets last week?
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126. Yeah!
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127. Yeah!
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128. I didn't know they still made
TV dinners this bad.
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129. After dinner,
can I watch cartoons?
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130. No!
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131. There's peas
in my fruit cobbler!
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132. There's peas everywhere.
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133. Well, I guess I'll just go
and watch some cartoons.
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134. No! I'm sorry
about the dinners.
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135. I'll make up for it
tomorrow night.
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136. Hey, who's up
for some cartoons?
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137. No one!
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138. All right.
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139. Tomorrow night,
how about baking
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140. some of your patented
pork chops?
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141. Sure.
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142. Oh, dear, I can't.
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143. I've got three
protest rallies tomorrow.
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144. D-ohh!
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145. 20 million women in the world
and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
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146. Hi, kids!
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147. Guess what,
Sideshow Mel?
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148. It's time
for Itchy and Scratchy.
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149. Hey, settle down, boys and girls
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150. or Krusty will have to bring out
his old friend
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151. Corporal Punishment again.
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152. Please, stop it!
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153. What's going..?
Who are you people?
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154. What do we want?
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155. Substantially less violence
in children's programming!
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156. When do we want it?
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157. Now!
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158. No! You're ruining the show!
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159. Stop!
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160. Please, stop.
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161. Oh, please, please, be quiet.
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162. I'm trying to earn
a living here, alright?
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163. Please, stop!
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164. That woman—
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165. That screwball Marge Simpson—
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166. we've got to stop her.
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167. But how?
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168. Drop an anvil on her?
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169. Hit her on the head
with a piano.
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170. Stuff her full of T.N.T.
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171. Then throw a match
down her throat and run?
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172. All your fancy degrees,
and that's the best you can do?
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173. You make me sick.
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174. ( crowd chanting )
Substantially less violence
in children's programming!
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175. When do we want it?
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176. Now!
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177. Substantially less violence
in children's programming!
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178. Hmm...
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179. Heh, I'm so funny.
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180. You know, some of
these stories are pretty good.
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181. I never knew mice led
such interesting lives.
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182. So much needless brutality.
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183. I don't know if I'm having
any impact at all.
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184. Don't do that!
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185. Don't do that!
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186. Hey! Don't do that!
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187. Take that,
you dumb squirrel!
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188. Where do they get
their ideas?
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189. What is it?
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190. What?
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191. Smartline?
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192. Yes, I've heard of your
late-night panel discussion
show.
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193. ( slams phone )
I'd love to!
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194. Smartline—
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195. with our local Emmy
Award-winning host
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196. Kent Brockman.
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197. Hello, I'm Kent Brockman
and welcome to another edition
of Smartline.
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198. Are cartoons too violent
for children?
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199. Most people would say
"No, of course not.
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200. What kind of stupid question
is that?"
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201. But one woman says "Yes—"
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202. And she's here with us tonight.
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203. Mrs. Marge Simpson.
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204. There she is!
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205. Also with us
for this "animated" discussion
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206. are Roger Myers
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207. - Chairman of the Board of
Itchy & Scratchy International.
- Thank you.
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208. Krusty the Klown,
whose delightful program
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209. brings us the antics
of Itchy and Scratchy every
afternoon at 4...
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210. Hi, Kent! Hyuk, hyuk!
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211. and joining us live
via satellite from Vienna—
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212. the home of Sigmund Freud, the
world's most famous psychiatrist
Copy !req
213. to give us an insight
into the human mind,
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214. Dr. Marvin Monroe.
Hiya.
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215. Now, first, let's see what all
the excitement is about.
Here's an example
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216. of the work
currently being turned out
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217. at I. & S. Studios.
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218. Hilarious.
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219. Now what in the world is wrong
with that, Mrs. Simpson?
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220. There's nothing
wrong with it.
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221. Excuse me,
he was addressing me.
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222. I know. There's nothing
wrong with it.
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223. Excuse me, there is!
I think that it's a bad
influence on children.
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224. Oh give me a break!
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225. I think that is a bunch
of baloney, and here's why.
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226. In preparing for this debate,
I did a little research,
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227. and I discovered
a startling thing.
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228. There was violence in the past
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229. long before
cartoons were invented.
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230. I see. Fascinating.
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231. Yeah, and there was something
called the Crusades,
for instance.
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232. Tremendous violence,
many people killed!
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233. The darned thing went on
for 30 years.
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234. And this was before
cartoons were invented?
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235. That's right, Kent.
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236. So much
for your viewpoint.
Hmmph.
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237. Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna,
would you care to comment
on all this?
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238. Well Kent, to me, the hijinks
of a few comic characters
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239. absolutely pale in comparison
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240. with the crippling
emotional problems
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241. a psychiatrist runs into
every day.
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242. I'm referring
to women who love too much
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243. fear of winning, sex-aholism,
stuff like that.
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244. So you have
no professional objection
Copy !req
245. to Itchy and Scratchy?
Copy !req
246. No, not at all. In fact, one of
my guilty little pleasures
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247. is to snuggle up with
a big bucket of buttered popcorn
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248. dim the lights,
turn on Itchy and Scratchy
and laugh myself silly.
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249. What the hell
is wrong with that?
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250. Not a thing.
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251. Now, for
another opinion...
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252. Hyuk! Hyuk!
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253. Hi, kids!
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254. ( chuckling ) Krusty, please.
We're giving you an opportunity
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255. to participate
in a serious discussion here.
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256. Oh, I'm sorry, Kent.
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257. It's just when the camera
gets on me...
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258. Hey hey!
Hyuk! Hyuk!
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259. - Krusty!
- ( squeaks toy ) Oh.
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260. Well, it looks like we're
not going to settle this
tonight.
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261. Mrs. Simpson, in the nine
seconds we have left,
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262. can you summarize
your position for us?
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263. Yes. I'd like to ask all the
parents in Springfield
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264. who are concerned about this
to write in
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265. and let the cartoon makers
know how you feel. Thank you.
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266. I don't believe this.
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267. "I will never watch your show,
buy any of your products
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268. or brake if I see you
crossing the street."
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269. Wow! That's cold.
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270. "Dear sleaze merchant..."
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271. Oh, come on, that hurts.
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272. Gentlemen, the screwballs
have spoken.
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273. Hello?
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274. Is this Marge Simpson?
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275. Yes.
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276. The Marge Simpson who fixed it
so cartoons can't be
violent anymore?
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277. Yes.
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278. This is Myers.
I'm here with the writers.
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279. Listen, you're so smart,
how do we end this picture?
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280. Hmm, well, what's the
problem you're having?
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281. Okay, here it is. Itchy just
stole Scratchy's ice cream cone.
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282. Make it a pie.
Pies are easier to draw.
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283. Okay, a pie!
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284. - Anyway, Scratchy is
understandably upset,
- Um-hum.
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285. so we figured he could
grab Itchy and toss him
in a bucket of acid.
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286. Oh, dear!
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287. But then we remembered
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288. that this might be
interpreted as violence
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289. which is morally wrong now,
thanks to you.
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290. So what's your big idea?
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291. How do we end this?
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292. Let's see, um...
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293. Oh, couldn't Itchy
share his pie with Scratchy?
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294. Then they would both have pie.
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295. It's different,
I'll give you that.
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296. It's a tool that every home
handyman needs:
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297. It's a jigsaw.
It's a power drill.
It's a wood-turning lathe.
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298. It's an asphalt spreader.
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299. It's 67 tools in one.
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300. How much would you pay
Copy !req
301. for a machine
that could do all this?
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302. $1,000.
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303. Oh, don't answer yet.
Oh sorry.
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304. Because you also get—
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305. Hey, I was
watching that.
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306. It's time for Krusty.
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307. You mean we can watch
cartoons again, Mom?
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308. Yes, dear, all you want.
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309. All right!
All right!
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310. Turn it up.
Copy !req
311. Hey kids. It's time for
Itchy and Scratchy.
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312. Lemonade?
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313. Please.
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314. I made it
just for you.
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315. You are my best friend.
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316. Itchy and Scratchy seem
to have lost their edge.
Copy !req
317. I think it conveys
a very nice message of sharing.
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318. I think it sucks.
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319. Oh, thank you, Maggie.
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320. This really
hits the spot.
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321. Doesn't it, though?
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322. You make really good
lemonade, Scratchy.
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323. Oh, thank you, Itchy.
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324. Wasn't that funny,
boys and girls?
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325. Well?
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326. Wasn't it?
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327. Aren't you going to watch
the rest of your cute cartoons?
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328. Nah, come on, Lise.
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329. Maybe there's something else
to do on this planet.
Copy !req
330. But the third bowl
of porridge was just right.
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331. Hi, kids!
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332. Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!
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333. Uh... is this Saturday?
Copy !req
334. So, what did
you kids do today?
Copy !req
335. Me and the guys went fishing.
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336. I almost caught
a catfish this big!
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337. Oh.
Copy !req
338. And Janey and I went
bird-watching.
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339. We saw a grackle.
Copy !req
340. That's nice, dear.
Copy !req
341. C'mon, Lise. Let's go finish
our soap box racers.
Copy !req
342. Okay.
May we please be excused?
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343. Sure.
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344. Wow!
Copy !req
345. What great kids.
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346. This is a golden age, Marge
Copy !req
347. and the parents of Springfield
owe it all to you.
Copy !req
348. I didn't really expect things
to change this much.
Copy !req
349. I always knew you'd change
the world for the better.
Copy !req
350. This will be the art event
of the century.
Copy !req
351. The greatest masterpiece
of Italian renaissance.
Copy !req
352. Michelangelo's David
Copy !req
353. on a coast-to-coast tour
of the United States.
Copy !req
354. Sir, which cities
will be included
in your itinerary?
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355. New York...
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356. Springfield...
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357. and if we have time,
Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles.
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358. Marge, get the door.
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359. What in the world?
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360. Get dressed, Marge.
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361. You've got to lead
our protest
Copy !req
362. against this abomination.
Copy !req
363. But that's Michelangelo's David.
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364. It's a masterpiece.
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365. It's filth.
It graphically portrays
parts of the human body
Copy !req
366. which, practical as
they may be, are evil.
Copy !req
367. But I like that statue.
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368. I told you she was soft
on full frontal nudity.
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369. Come on, girls.
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370. What is this all about?
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371. What do you people want?
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372. We want you to get your big
Italian butt out of here.
Copy !req
373. Smartline, with our local
Emmy award-winning host
Copy !req
374. Kent Brockman.
Copy !req
375. Is it a masterpiece
Copy !req
376. or just some guy
with his pants down?
Copy !req
377. That's our topic tonight on
Smartline
Copy !req
378. Now, Mrs. Simpson,
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379. Why are you
against this statue?
Copy !req
380. I'm not.
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381. I think everyone in Springfield
should see it.
Copy !req
382. Wait a minute.
Aren't you Marge Simpson,
the wacko?
Copy !req
383. Yes and no.
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384. How can you be
Copy !req
385. for one form
of freedom of expression—
Copy !req
386. like our naked friend over
there— and be against another
Copy !req
387. form like Itchy and Scratchy?
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388. Good question.
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389. Well, I guess I can't,
which is a shame
Copy !req
390. because I really hate
those cartoons.
Copy !req
391. Oh yeah? What do you say
to all those Marge Simpson
wannabees out there
Copy !req
392. who wish to suppress
David's doodle?
Copy !req
393. Um, I don't know.
Copy !req
394. I guess one person
can make a difference
Copy !req
395. but most of the time,
they probably shouldn't.
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396. Well, I guess that
settles that.
Copy !req
397. I'd like to alert our affiliates
that we will be ending our show
early tonight.
Copy !req
398. Join us tomorrow, when our topic
will be
Copy !req
399. "which
is the one true faith?"
Copy !req
400. Well, there he is.
Copy !req
401. Michelangelo's Dave.
Copy !req
402. David.
Copy !req
403. Oh.
Copy !req
404. What's wrong, Marge?
Copy !req
405. Ah, Homie.
Here the kids had a chance
to see a great work of art
Copy !req
406. and instead, they're home
Copy !req
407. watching a cat and mouse
disembowel each other.
Copy !req
408. Hey, don't worry, Marge.
Copy !req
409. Pretty soon,
every boy and girl
in Springfield Elementary School
Copy !req
410. is gonna
come and see this thing.
Copy !req
411. Really? Why?
Copy !req
412. They're forcing them!
Copy !req
413. Well, isn't that nice.
Copy !req
414. Shh!
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