1. Busted my hump all week.Copy !req
2. Stupid grass!Copy !req
3. Supposed to be
the boy's job.Copy !req
4. Now, now, HomerCopy !req
5. Bart's busy working
on his science project.Copy !req
6. You heard the lady, HomerCopy !req
7. so please mow quietly.Copy !req
8. Genius at work.Copy !req
9. 1:00, still just a potato.Copy !req
10. Hey there, neighbor.Copy !req
11. The Lord's certainly given us
a beautiful day today, huh?Copy !req
12. Hello, Flanders.Copy !req
13. Doing a little
yard work, huh?Copy !req
14. Who told?Copy !req
15. Marge, beer me.Copy !req
16. Say, SimpsonCopy !req
17. I've got some
time-released granulesCopy !req
18. that will get rid of that
crabgrass in just half a jiff.Copy !req
19. Crabgrass?Copy !req
20. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
21. Where?Copy !req
22. Well, there...Copy !req
23. and there's
a big patch over there.Copy !req
24. There's nothing wrong
with crabgrass.Copy !req
25. It just has a bad name,
that's all.Copy !req
26. Everyone would love itCopy !req
27. if it had a cute name
like "elfgrass."Copy !req
28. Well, you may be right.Copy !req
29. Marge, where's the Duff?Copy !req
30. Oh, we're all out, Homer.Copy !req
31. D-ohhh!Copy !req
32. Would you like some fruit juice?Copy !req
33. Don't toy with me, woman.Copy !req
34. I couldn't help
overhearing, Simpson.Copy !req
35. I've got some ice-cold suds
in the rumpus roomCopy !req
36. if you'd like
to join me.Copy !req
37. Well uh, okay, what the heck?Copy !req
38. I've earned a little break.Copy !req
39. ( gasps ) Holy moley.Copy !req
40. It's beautiful.Copy !req
41. Say, that's right.Copy !req
42. This is your first visit
to the Flanders homestead.Copy !req
43. Well, we've
only been neighbors...Copy !req
44. what?Copy !req
45. Eight years.Copy !req
46. There's my little
popcorn ball.Copy !req
47. Kissy-kissy.Copy !req
48. Oh, hello, sponge cake.Copy !req
49. I thought you boys
might be hungryCopy !req
50. so I whipped up
some club sandwiches.Copy !req
51. Ain't she wonderful, Simpson?Copy !req
52. Yeah yeah yeah, but aren't we
forgetting something, Flanders?Copy !req
53. Oh, your beer.Copy !req
54. Is draft okay?Copy !req
55. Just put in the tap
last week.Copy !req
56. Here's a tasty little lagerCopy !req
57. that came all the way
from Holland.Copy !req
58. Well, beggars
can't be choosy.Copy !req
59. Hey Dad, thanks for helping meCopy !req
60. with my science project.Copy !req
61. Mwah!
Oh, my pleasure,
study buddy.Copy !req
62. I got the best Dad
in the whole world.Copy !req
63. You know how
that embarrasses me.Copy !req
64. I know.Copy !req
65. Toodley-doodley.Copy !req
66. Kids can be
a trial sometimes.Copy !req
67. All right,
knock it off!Copy !req
68. Knock what off, Simpson?Copy !req
69. You've been rubbing
my nose in it since I got here!Copy !req
70. Your family is better
than my family!Copy !req
71. Your beer comes
from farther away than my beer!Copy !req
72. You and your son
like each other!Copy !req
73. Your wife's butt is higher
than my wife's butt.Copy !req
74. You make me sick!Copy !req
75. Simpson, I'm afraidCopy !req
76. I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.Copy !req
77. I hope you understand.Copy !req
78. I wouldn't stay on a bet!Copy !req
79. One for the road.Copy !req
80. Homey, quit tossing.Copy !req
81. Sorry, Marge.Copy !req
82. But it's just that
I'm still steamed upCopy !req
83. about that jerk Flanders.Copy !req
84. Lousy, bragging
know-it-all, show-off.Copy !req
85. What exactly did he say?Copy !req
86. Get this.Copy !req
87. He said...Copy !req
88. No, he said...Copy !req
89. It wasn't so much
what he saidCopy !req
90. it was how he said it.Copy !req
91. How did he say it?Copy !req
92. Well, he...Copy !req
93. Was he angry?Copy !req
94. No.Copy !req
95. Was he rude?Copy !req
96. Okay, okay.
It wasn't how he said it either,Copy !req
97. but the message
was loud and clear.Copy !req
98. Our family stinks!Copy !req
99. Homer, I'm your best friendCopy !req
100. but I've gotta say,
I've never seen him be
anything but a perfect neighbor.Copy !req
101. Oh, he's perfect now, is he?Copy !req
102. Well, he's not perfect,
but he is very...Copy !req
103. No no Marge, don't backpedal!Copy !req
104. You were right the first time.Copy !req
105. He's perfect!Copy !req
106. Perfect in every way.Copy !req
107. I'm just gonna go take a walk
around the block to calm down.Copy !req
108. I got a little excited.Copy !req
109. I'm not perfect...Copy !req
110. like Ned Flanders.Copy !req
111. ( door slams )
Oh, no.Copy !req
112. Neddy, you're tossing.Copy !req
113. What's the matter?Copy !req
114. I feel terrible.Copy !req
115. Sometimes I forgetCopy !req
116. that we have things
a little better
than the Simpsons.Copy !req
117. I drag him over here,
he has a few beers.Copy !req
118. You can't blame him
for erupting and then..Copy !req
119. I turn into a snarling beast.Copy !req
120. Talk about flunking the old
turn-the-other-cheek test.Copy !req
121. Well Ned, maybe I'm not the one
you should be talking to.Copy !req
122. You're right.Copy !req
123. Hello, Reverend Lovejoy?Copy !req
124. No, this is Mrs. Lovejoy.Copy !req
125. Just a minute.Copy !req
126. Honey, honey, wake up.Copy !req
127. It sounds like Ned Flanders
is having some sort of crisis.Copy !req
128. Oh, probably stepped
on a worm.Copy !req
129. Hello, Ned.Copy !req
130. Reverend, I'm sorry
to bother you at this hourCopy !req
131. but I threw a man
out of my house today.Copy !req
132. I feel like I violated
Matthew 19:19.Copy !req
133. Huh?Copy !req
134. "Love thy neighbor."Copy !req
135. Oh, oh.Copy !req
136. Matthew 19:19, right.Copy !req
137. Well, you know, Ned,
the good book saysCopy !req
138. "A gentle answer
turneth away wrath."Copy !req
139. A gentle answer?Copy !req
140. Well, that is a jim-dandy idea.Copy !req
141. Bless you, Reverend.Copy !req
142. "Dear neighbor..."Copy !req
143. Flanders!
Ah!Copy !req
144. I don't blame you
for being upset with me, Homer.Copy !req
145. I just wanted to give you
this letter.Copy !req
146. I'll leave now.Copy !req
147. "Dear neighbor...Copy !req
148. "... You are my brother.Copy !req
149. "I love you.Copy !req
150. "... and yet I feel
a great sadnessCopy !req
151. in my bosom."Copy !req
152. Bosom.Copy !req
153. Wait, wait, there's more.Copy !req
154. I think that's terrible.Copy !req
155. A man opens his heart,
and you make fun of him.Copy !req
156. "... neighbors forever."Copy !req
157. Oh, no.Copy !req
158. "Ned Flanders."Copy !req
159. What a sap.Copy !req
160. Read the bosom part
again, Dad.Copy !req
161. Now just a minute!Copy !req
162. Bosom.Copy !req
163. Bart!Copy !req
164. I wish this family was
as close as the Flanders.Copy !req
165. Okay, all right.Copy !req
166. She's right.Copy !req
167. Let's do something together.Copy !req
168. What does everyone say
to some miniature golfCopy !req
169. followed by a round
of frosty chocolate milk shakes?Copy !req
170. All right.Copy !req
171. Hmm, I was going
to wash my hair.Copy !req
172. And I'm studying
for the math fair.Copy !req
173. If I win, I'll bring home
a brand new protractor.Copy !req
174. Too bad we don't live
on a farm.Copy !req
175. Let's go, boy.Copy !req
176. Fore!Copy !req
177. But I got it in the middle.Copy !req
178. D-oh!
That was just
a practice shot, boy.Copy !req
179. Play where it lays, Homer.Copy !req
180. Hey, there's Homer Simpson.Copy !req
181. What a perfect opportunity
to follow up on my letter.Copy !req
182. Give up, homeboy.Copy !req
183. There's a six-stroke limit.Copy !req
184. I know. I can
still make this for five.Copy !req
185. Come on, baby, please,
please, go in, please.Copy !req
186. D-ohhh!
( grunting )Copy !req
187. Hi, Simpson.Copy !req
188. Having fun?Copy !req
189. Flanders,
what are you doing here?Copy !req
190. Just playing a little mini-golf
with the Todd-meister.Copy !req
191. Hi, Bart.
Get bent.Copy !req
192. Say, now that we're all friends
again, why don't we make a
foursome?Copy !req
193. That sounds great.Copy !req
194. All right. This will be fun.Copy !req
195. Say, you looked like
you were having a little
trouble there.Copy !req
196. That shot is impossible!Copy !req
197. Jack Nicholson himself
couldn't make it.Copy !req
198. It is difficult,
Mr. Simpson.Copy !req
199. The best strategy is to
play conservatively.Copy !req
200. Hug the rail.
It won't go inCopy !req
201. but you set yourself up
for an easy deuce.Copy !req
202. Oh, well.. hmm.Copy !req
203. It went in.Copy !req
204. Good shot, Toddski.Copy !req
205. Luck.Copy !req
206. Final score, Bart 41Copy !req
207. Homer, let's see...Copy !req
208. Six plus six plus six
plus six plus six...Copy !req
209. Never mind.Copy !req
210. Hey, look.Copy !req
211. Wow! First prize, $50.Copy !req
212. Wow! Free balloons
for everyone who enters.Copy !req
213. So my little Bartly,
thinking of entering
the tournament?Copy !req
214. Yeah, he's enteringCopy !req
215. and what's more, he's going
to win, aren't you, boy?Copy !req
216. I guess it's possible.Copy !req
217. Hey, I like that confidence.Copy !req
218. But I hope you're not
putting too much pressure
on the boy.Copy !req
219. My Todd's awfully good.Copy !req
220. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
221. I think the fruit
of my loinsCopy !req
222. can beat the fruit of your loins
any day of the week.Copy !req
223. - Come on, boy.
- Hyuh!Copy !req
224. ( Homer slurps loudly )
But Dad, I've never won
anything in my life.Copy !req
225. Son, this is the only time
I'm ever gonna say this.Copy !req
226. It is not okay to lose.Copy !req
227. Stay, stay. Good dog.Copy !req
228. Now, keep your head down.Copy !req
229. Not you.Copy !req
230. I'm talking to the boy.Copy !req
231. Keep your head down.Copy !req
232. Follow through.Copy !req
233. Okay, that didn't work.Copy !req
234. This time, move your head
and don't follow through.Copy !req
235. Oh, man.Copy !req
236. What are you doing?Copy !req
237. That putter is to youCopy !req
238. what a bat is
to a baseball player.Copy !req
239. What a violin is to the...
the guy... the violin guy.Copy !req
240. Now come on!
Give your putter a name.Copy !req
241. What?Copy !req
242. Come on. Give it a name.Copy !req
243. Mr. Putter.Copy !req
244. Oh! You want to try
a little harder, son?Copy !req
245. C'mon, give it
a girl's name.Copy !req
246. Mom.Copy !req
247. Your putter's name is Charlene.Copy !req
248. Why?Copy !req
249. It just is, that's why.Copy !req
250. Now this is a picture
of your enemyCopy !req
251. Todd Flanders.Copy !req
252. Every day, I want you
to spend 15 minutesCopy !req
253. staring at it
and concentratingCopy !req
254. on how much you hate himCopy !req
255. and how glorious it will beCopy !req
256. when you and Charlene
annihilate him.Copy !req
257. Who's Charlene?Copy !req
258. I'll show youCopy !req
259. who Charlene is.Copy !req
260. Now start hating.Copy !req
261. Hi, Bart.Copy !req
262. Homer, I couldn't help
overhearing youCopy !req
263. warp Bart's mind.Copy !req
264. And?Copy !req
265. I'm worried that you're making
too big a dealCopy !req
266. over this silly little
kiddie golf tournament.Copy !req
267. But Marge, this is our
big chance to show up
the Flanderses.Copy !req
268. I'm sure it isCopy !req
269. but why do we want to do that?Copy !req
270. Because sometimes the only way
you can feel good about yourselfCopy !req
271. is by making
someone else look bad.Copy !req
272. And I'm tired of making
other people feel good
about themselves.Copy !req
273. Hmm.Copy !req
274. Hi, Bart.Copy !req
275. What are you doing?Copy !req
276. Lise, what do you call those
guys in chess that don't matter?Copy !req
277. Well, a black-headed bishop
is of little valueCopy !req
278. but I think you're
referring to a pawn.Copy !req
279. Right.Copy !req
280. I am a pawn.Copy !req
281. I know. It's times like this
that I'm thankfulCopy !req
282. Dad has little to no interest
in almost everything I do.Copy !req
283. Bart, I think I can help you.Copy !req
284. Our journey begins here
at the library.Copy !req
285. Hi, Lisa.Copy !req
286. Hi, Mrs. Norton.Copy !req
287. Hi, Lisa.Copy !req
288. Hi, Ralph.Copy !req
289. Hi, Lisa.Copy !req
290. Hi, gang.Copy !req
291. Okay, Bart, this is
the card catalogue.Copy !req
292. Let's see. Golf.Copy !req
293. Anecdotes, Eisenhower and...Copy !req
294. profession, humor,
Japanese obsession with...Copy !req
295. Ah, here it is.Copy !req
296. Putting.Copy !req
297. And finallyCopy !req
298. the most important book of all—Copy !req
299. The Tao-Te Ching by Lao-Tzu.Copy !req
300. Lisa, we can't afford
all these books.Copy !req
301. Bart, we're just
gonna borrow them.Copy !req
302. Oh. Gotcha.Copy !req
303. I want you to shut off the
logical part of your mind.Copy !req
304. Okay.Copy !req
305. Embrace nothingness.Copy !req
306. You got it.Copy !req
307. Become like
an uncarved stone.Copy !req
308. Done.Copy !req
309. Bart! You're just pretending to
know what I'm talking about.Copy !req
310. - True.
- Well it's very frustrating.Copy !req
311. I'll bet.Copy !req
312. Bart, I have
a riddle for you.Copy !req
313. What's the sound
of one hand clapping?Copy !req
314. Piece of cake.Copy !req
315. No Bart, it's a 3,000-year-old
riddle with no answer.Copy !req
316. It supposed to clear your
mind of conscious thought.Copy !req
317. No answer?Copy !req
318. Lisa, listen up.Copy !req
319. Let's try another one.Copy !req
320. If a tree falls in
the woods, and no one's aroundCopy !req
321. does it make a sound?Copy !req
322. Absolutely.Copy !req
323. But Bart, how can sound existCopy !req
324. if there's no one there
to hear it?Copy !req
325. Whoo!Copy !req
326. It is time.Copy !req
327. The basis of this game
seems to be simple geometry.Copy !req
328. All you have to do
is hit the ball here.Copy !req
329. I can't believe it.Copy !req
330. You actually found a
practical use for geometry.Copy !req
331. Bart, what are you doing?Copy !req
332. Get down before
the neighbors see...Copy !req
333. - Hey, Simpson.
- D-oh!Copy !req
334. Flanders, I don't care
what this looks like.Copy !req
335. Bart's gonna mop the floor with
your son's ugly butt.Copy !req
336. Sir, may the best man win.Copy !req
337. "May the best man win."Copy !req
338. The mating call
of the loser.Copy !req
339. Just a minute, Simpson.Copy !req
340. I think my son has a very good
chance.Copy !req
341. Yeah? Want to bet?Copy !req
342. Yeah, well,
I'm not a betting man.Copy !req
343. Oh, I'm a chicken, am I?Copy !req
344. That's right.Copy !req
345. How's this for a wager?Copy !req
346. A batch of your wife's
delicious blueberry muffinsCopy !req
347. against one of my wife's
homemade wind chimes.Copy !req
348. Are you afraid to make
a real bet?Copy !req
349. No, I just...Copy !req
350. You know, SimpsonCopy !req
351. you're starting
to annoy me.Copy !req
352. How about this, henny penny?Copy !req
353. If Bart wins tomorrow,
you have to mow my lawn.Copy !req
354. All right, and if Todd wins,
you have to mow my lawnCopy !req
355. and do a decent job of it
for a change!Copy !req
356. Better yet, you have
to mow my lawnCopy !req
357. in your wife's
Sunday dress!Copy !req
358. You have yourself a bet,
you... jackaninny!Copy !req
359. Read that back to me, Marge.Copy !req
360. "The father of the loser
mows the lawn..."Copy !req
361. Just a minute.Copy !req
362. Loser is such a harsh word.Copy !req
363. Couldn't we say
the boy who doesn't win?Copy !req
364. Oh, man. Fine.Copy !req
365. "The father of the boy
who doesn't winCopy !req
366. has to mow the lawn
in his wife's Sunday dress."Copy !req
367. There you go.Copy !req
368. Now, I suppose you both
have to sign this.Copy !req
369. I hope blood
won't be necessary.Copy !req
370. I'm game if you are,
Flanders.Copy !req
371. Good gravy, what have I done?Copy !req
372. Keep your left arm straight,
Bart.Copy !req
373. Rotate your shoulders.Copy !req
374. Dad!
Dad!Copy !req
375. Look, son.Copy !req
376. All I'm asking
is that you try.Copy !req
377. Okay, I'll try.Copy !req
378. Anybody can try!Copy !req
379. I want you to win!Copy !req
380. Homer?Copy !req
381. Marge? Give me your honest
opinion.Copy !req
382. This or this?Copy !req
383. Ahhh!Copy !req
384. Good morning, son.Copy !req
385. Oh, by the way, today's the day
of the big tournament.Copy !req
386. And you'd better win!Copy !req
387. Dad!Copy !req
388. See you downstairs, boy.Copy !req
389. Heh, heh, heh.Copy !req
390. That crazy Marmaduke.Copy !req
391. Eighth hole.Copy !req
392. Aim for the octopus,
third tentacle.Copy !req
393. 12th hole.Copy !req
394. Bank it off
the pink tombstone.Copy !req
395. Nirvana.Copy !req
396. A state of bliss attained
through the extinction
of the self.Copy !req
397. Here you go, Bart.
A lumberjack's breakfast
for my little golfer.Copy !req
398. Mom, Bart is on a strict diet
of complex carbohydrates.Copy !req
399. Steak will make him logy.Copy !req
400. Well, what won't make him logy?Copy !req
401. Oatmeal.Copy !req
402. Oatmeal?Copy !req
403. Oats are what
a champion thoroughbred eatsCopy !req
404. before he or she wins
the Kentucky Derby.Copy !req
405. News flash, Lisa.Copy !req
406. Bart is not a horse.Copy !req
407. Eat your steak, boy.Copy !req
408. ( British accent )
Good afternoon, everybodyCopy !req
409. and welcome to the finale
of what has already beenCopy !req
410. a stirring afternoon
of miniature golf.Copy !req
411. The cream has risen.
The wheat has bid farewell
to the chaff.Copy !req
412. And now we approach
the championship match with but
two warriors remaining:Copy !req
413. the heretofore unknown
Bart SimpsonCopy !req
414. and Todd Flanders,Copy !req
415. one of the most skilled
ten-year-olds to ever
take back the blade.Copy !req
416. Bart, having never received
any words of encouragement
myself, I'm not sureCopy !req
417. how they're
supposed to soundCopy !req
418. but here goes.Copy !req
419. I believe in you.Copy !req
420. Thanks, man.Copy !req
421. Oh Lord,
we beseech thee...Copy !req
422. Hey Flanders,
it's no use praying.Copy !req
423. I already did
the same thingCopy !req
424. and we can't both win.Copy !req
425. Actually Simp-son, we were
praying that no one gets hurt.Copy !req
426. Oh, well, Flan-ders,
it doesn't matter.Copy !req
427. This time tomorrowCopy !req
428. you'll be wearing high heels.Copy !req
429. No, you will.Copy !req
430. - Afraid not.
- Afraid so.Copy !req
431. Afraid not.
Afraid so.Copy !req
432. Afraid not, infinity.Copy !req
433. Afraid so,
infinity plus one.Copy !req
434. D-ohhh!Copy !req
435. Young Flanders has the honorCopy !req
436. and will tee off first.Copy !req
437. It's got a chance.Copy !req
438. ( ball clanking )
Yes, sir!Copy !req
439. Oh, man.Copy !req
440. ( exhaling )
Tree falling in the woods.Copy !req
441. Tree falling in...Copy !req
442. And the battle
is well and truly joined.Copy !req
443. Whoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
444. Mercy is for the weak, Todd!Copy !req
445. Yay!Copy !req
446. Yay!Copy !req
447. D-ohhh!Copy !req
448. Yay!Copy !req
449. If one were to look up
"courage"Copy !req
450. in the
Oxford English dictionaryCopy !req
451. They approach
the final hole
in the shadow ofCopy !req
452. The Great EmancipatorCopy !req
453. deadlocked at eight strokes
on the happy side of par.Copy !req
454. Soon, one man will
emerge triumphant.Copy !req
455. He will drink naught
but champagneCopy !req
456. while his opponent
tastes bitter defeat,
in this oft-cruel game.Copy !req
457. It's okay, son.Copy !req
458. You can recover.Copy !req
459. Come on, Bart.Copy !req
460. Remember what
Vince Lombardi said—Copy !req
461. 'If you lose,
you're out of the family.'Copy !req
462. Homer!
( smack )
Ow!Copy !req
463. Whew!Copy !req
464. Neither man
showing his best form.Copy !req
465. This sort of pressureCopy !req
466. can unhinge even the steeliest
of competitors.Copy !req
467. This is pretty tense,
isn't it, Todd?Copy !req
468. Yeah. My knees
are shakingCopy !req
469. I got butterflies in my stomachCopy !req
470. but I guess
this builds character.Copy !req
471. Who wants to build character?Copy !req
472. Let's quit.Copy !req
473. Okay.Copy !req
474. We decided
we're equally good.Copy !req
475. We wanna call it a draw, man.Copy !req
476. Hmm.
Hmm.Copy !req
477. Highly irregular.Copy !req
478. Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a draw.Copy !req
479. A draw?Copy !req
480. Forgive an old Brit for cryingCopy !req
481. but this is
the most stirring displayCopy !req
482. of gallantry and sportsmanshipCopy !req
483. since Mountbatten
gave Egypt back to the Punjabis.Copy !req
484. Put her there, man.Copy !req
485. Yeah, all right.Copy !req
486. Well, HomerCopy !req
487. our kids
showed us something today, huh?Copy !req
488. By working together,
we can both be winners.Copy !req
489. Thank heaven, neither of us
has to go throughCopy !req
490. with that silly wager.
Put her there, pal.Copy !req
491. Oh, so you're going
to welch on our bet?Copy !req
492. What are you talking about?
Neither boy lost.Copy !req
493. I got it in right here
in writing.Copy !req
494. "The father of the boy
who doesn't winCopy !req
495. has to mow the lawn
in his wife's Sunday dress."Copy !req
496. Yeah, but neith—
I mean we're both..
You have to do it too.Copy !req
497. It's a small price
to payCopy !req
498. to see you
humiliate yourself.Copy !req
499. Hmm, my best dress.Copy !req
500. Why do I get the feeling
that somedayCopy !req
501. I'll be describing this
to a psychiatrist?Copy !req
502. Listen to them laughing.Copy !req
503. This is so humiliating.Copy !req
504. I'm never gonna live this down.Copy !req
505. Damn Flanders.Copy !req
506. You know, Simpson,
I feel kind of sillyCopy !req
507. but what the hay?Copy !req
508. Kinda reminds me of my
good ol' fraternity days.Copy !req
509. D-ohhh!Copy !req
510. Oh, my God!Copy !req
511. He's enjoying it.Copy !req
512. Shh!Copy !req