1. Busted my hump all week.
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2. Stupid grass!
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3. Supposed to be
the boy's job.
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4. Now, now, Homer
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5. Bart's busy working
on his science project.
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6. You heard the lady, Homer
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7. so please mow quietly.
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8. Genius at work.
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9. 1:00, still just a potato.
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10. Hey there, neighbor.
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11. The Lord's certainly given us
a beautiful day today, huh?
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12. Hello, Flanders.
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13. Doing a little
yard work, huh?
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14. Who told?
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15. Marge, beer me.
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16. Say, Simpson
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17. I've got some
time-released granules
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18. that will get rid of that
crabgrass in just half a jiff.
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19. Crabgrass?
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20. What are you
talking about?
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21. Where?
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22. Well, there...
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23. and there's
a big patch over there.
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24. There's nothing wrong
with crabgrass.
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25. It just has a bad name,
that's all.
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26. Everyone would love it
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27. if it had a cute name
like "elfgrass."
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28. Well, you may be right.
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29. Marge, where's the Duff?
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30. Oh, we're all out, Homer.
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31. D-ohhh!
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32. Would you like some fruit juice?
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33. Don't toy with me, woman.
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34. I couldn't help
overhearing, Simpson.
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35. I've got some ice-cold suds
in the rumpus room
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36. if you'd like
to join me.
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37. Well uh, okay, what the heck?
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38. I've earned a little break.
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39. ( gasps ) Holy moley.
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40. It's beautiful.
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41. Say, that's right.
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42. This is your first visit
to the Flanders homestead.
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43. Well, we've
only been neighbors...
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44. what?
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45. Eight years.
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46. There's my little
popcorn ball.
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47. Kissy-kissy.
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48. Oh, hello, sponge cake.
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49. I thought you boys
might be hungry
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50. so I whipped up
some club sandwiches.
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51. Ain't she wonderful, Simpson?
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52. Yeah yeah yeah, but aren't we
forgetting something, Flanders?
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53. Oh, your beer.
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54. Is draft okay?
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55. Just put in the tap
last week.
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56. Here's a tasty little lager
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57. that came all the way
from Holland.
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58. Well, beggars
can't be choosy.
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59. Hey Dad, thanks for helping me
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60. with my science project.
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61. Mwah!
Oh, my pleasure,
study buddy.
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62. I got the best Dad
in the whole world.
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63. You know how
that embarrasses me.
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64. I know.
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65. Toodley-doodley.
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66. Kids can be
a trial sometimes.
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67. All right,
knock it off!
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68. Knock what off, Simpson?
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69. You've been rubbing
my nose in it since I got here!
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70. Your family is better
than my family!
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71. Your beer comes
from farther away than my beer!
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72. You and your son
like each other!
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73. Your wife's butt is higher
than my wife's butt.
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74. You make me sick!
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75. Simpson, I'm afraid
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76. I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
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77. I hope you understand.
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78. I wouldn't stay on a bet!
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79. One for the road.
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80. Homey, quit tossing.
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81. Sorry, Marge.
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82. But it's just that
I'm still steamed up
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83. about that jerk Flanders.
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84. Lousy, bragging
know-it-all, show-off.
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85. What exactly did he say?
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86. Get this.
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87. He said...
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88. No, he said...
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89. It wasn't so much
what he said
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90. it was how he said it.
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91. How did he say it?
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92. Well, he...
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93. Was he angry?
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94. No.
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95. Was he rude?
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96. Okay, okay.
It wasn't how he said it either,
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97. but the message
was loud and clear.
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98. Our family stinks!
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99. Homer, I'm your best friend
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100. but I've gotta say,
I've never seen him be
anything but a perfect neighbor.
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101. Oh, he's perfect now, is he?
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102. Well, he's not perfect,
but he is very...
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103. No no Marge, don't backpedal!
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104. You were right the first time.
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105. He's perfect!
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106. Perfect in every way.
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107. I'm just gonna go take a walk
around the block to calm down.
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108. I got a little excited.
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109. I'm not perfect...
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110. like Ned Flanders.
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111. ( door slams )
Oh, no.
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112. Neddy, you're tossing.
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113. What's the matter?
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114. I feel terrible.
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115. Sometimes I forget
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116. that we have things
a little better
than the Simpsons.
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117. I drag him over here,
he has a few beers.
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118. You can't blame him
for erupting and then..
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119. I turn into a snarling beast.
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120. Talk about flunking the old
turn-the-other-cheek test.
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121. Well Ned, maybe I'm not the one
you should be talking to.
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122. You're right.
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123. Hello, Reverend Lovejoy?
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124. No, this is Mrs. Lovejoy.
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125. Just a minute.
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126. Honey, honey, wake up.
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127. It sounds like Ned Flanders
is having some sort of crisis.
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128. Oh, probably stepped
on a worm.
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129. Hello, Ned.
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130. Reverend, I'm sorry
to bother you at this hour
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131. but I threw a man
out of my house today.
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132. I feel like I violated
Matthew 19:19.
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133. Huh?
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134. "Love thy neighbor."
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135. Oh, oh.
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136. Matthew 19:19, right.
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137. Well, you know, Ned,
the good book says
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138. "A gentle answer
turneth away wrath."
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139. A gentle answer?
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140. Well, that is a jim-dandy idea.
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141. Bless you, Reverend.
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142. "Dear neighbor..."
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143. Flanders!
Ah!
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144. I don't blame you
for being upset with me, Homer.
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145. I just wanted to give you
this letter.
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146. I'll leave now.
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147. "Dear neighbor...
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148. "... You are my brother.
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149. "I love you.
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150. "... and yet I feel
a great sadness
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151. in my bosom."
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152. Bosom.
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153. Wait, wait, there's more.
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154. I think that's terrible.
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155. A man opens his heart,
and you make fun of him.
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156. "... neighbors forever."
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157. Oh, no.
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158. "Ned Flanders."
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159. What a sap.
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160. Read the bosom part
again, Dad.
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161. Now just a minute!
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162. Bosom.
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163. Bart!
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164. I wish this family was
as close as the Flanders.
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165. Okay, all right.
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166. She's right.
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167. Let's do something together.
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168. What does everyone say
to some miniature golf
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169. followed by a round
of frosty chocolate milk shakes?
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170. All right.
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171. Hmm, I was going
to wash my hair.
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172. And I'm studying
for the math fair.
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173. If I win, I'll bring home
a brand new protractor.
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174. Too bad we don't live
on a farm.
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175. Let's go, boy.
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176. Fore!
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177. But I got it in the middle.
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178. D-oh!
That was just
a practice shot, boy.
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179. Play where it lays, Homer.
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180. Hey, there's Homer Simpson.
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181. What a perfect opportunity
to follow up on my letter.
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182. Give up, homeboy.
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183. There's a six-stroke limit.
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184. I know. I can
still make this for five.
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185. Come on, baby, please,
please, go in, please.
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186. D-ohhh!
( grunting )
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187. Hi, Simpson.
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188. Having fun?
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189. Flanders,
what are you doing here?
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190. Just playing a little mini-golf
with the Todd-meister.
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191. Hi, Bart.
Get bent.
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192. Say, now that we're all friends
again, why don't we make a
foursome?
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193. That sounds great.
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194. All right. This will be fun.
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195. Say, you looked like
you were having a little
trouble there.
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196. That shot is impossible!
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197. Jack Nicholson himself
couldn't make it.
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198. It is difficult,
Mr. Simpson.
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199. The best strategy is to
play conservatively.
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200. Hug the rail.
It won't go in
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201. but you set yourself up
for an easy deuce.
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202. Oh, well.. hmm.
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203. It went in.
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204. Good shot, Toddski.
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205. Luck.
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206. Final score, Bart 41
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207. Homer, let's see...
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208. Six plus six plus six
plus six plus six...
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209. Never mind.
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210. Hey, look.
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211. Wow! First prize, $50.
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212. Wow! Free balloons
for everyone who enters.
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213. So my little Bartly,
thinking of entering
the tournament?
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214. Yeah, he's entering
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215. and what's more, he's going
to win, aren't you, boy?
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216. I guess it's possible.
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217. Hey, I like that confidence.
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218. But I hope you're not
putting too much pressure
on the boy.
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219. My Todd's awfully good.
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220. Oh, yeah?
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221. I think the fruit
of my loins
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222. can beat the fruit of your loins
any day of the week.
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223. - Come on, boy.
- Hyuh!
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224. ( Homer slurps loudly )
But Dad, I've never won
anything in my life.
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225. Son, this is the only time
I'm ever gonna say this.
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226. It is not okay to lose.
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227. Stay, stay. Good dog.
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228. Now, keep your head down.
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229. Not you.
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230. I'm talking to the boy.
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231. Keep your head down.
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232. Follow through.
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233. Okay, that didn't work.
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234. This time, move your head
and don't follow through.
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235. Oh, man.
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236. What are you doing?
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237. That putter is to you
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238. what a bat is
to a baseball player.
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239. What a violin is to the...
the guy... the violin guy.
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240. Now come on!
Give your putter a name.
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241. What?
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242. Come on. Give it a name.
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243. Mr. Putter.
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244. Oh! You want to try
a little harder, son?
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245. C'mon, give it
a girl's name.
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246. Mom.
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247. Your putter's name is Charlene.
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248. Why?
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249. It just is, that's why.
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250. Now this is a picture
of your enemy
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251. Todd Flanders.
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252. Every day, I want you
to spend 15 minutes
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253. staring at it
and concentrating
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254. on how much you hate him
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255. and how glorious it will be
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256. when you and Charlene
annihilate him.
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257. Who's Charlene?
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258. I'll show you
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259. who Charlene is.
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260. Now start hating.
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261. Hi, Bart.
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262. Homer, I couldn't help
overhearing you
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263. warp Bart's mind.
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264. And?
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265. I'm worried that you're making
too big a deal
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266. over this silly little
kiddie golf tournament.
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267. But Marge, this is our
big chance to show up
the Flanderses.
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268. I'm sure it is
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269. but why do we want to do that?
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270. Because sometimes the only way
you can feel good about yourself
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271. is by making
someone else look bad.
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272. And I'm tired of making
other people feel good
about themselves.
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273. Hmm.
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274. Hi, Bart.
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275. What are you doing?
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276. Lise, what do you call those
guys in chess that don't matter?
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277. Well, a black-headed bishop
is of little value
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278. but I think you're
referring to a pawn.
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279. Right.
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280. I am a pawn.
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281. I know. It's times like this
that I'm thankful
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282. Dad has little to no interest
in almost everything I do.
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283. Bart, I think I can help you.
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284. Our journey begins here
at the library.
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285. Hi, Lisa.
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286. Hi, Mrs. Norton.
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287. Hi, Lisa.
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288. Hi, Ralph.
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289. Hi, Lisa.
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290. Hi, gang.
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291. Okay, Bart, this is
the card catalogue.
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292. Let's see. Golf.
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293. Anecdotes, Eisenhower and...
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294. profession, humor,
Japanese obsession with...
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295. Ah, here it is.
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296. Putting.
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297. And finally
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298. the most important book of all—
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299. The Tao-Te Ching by Lao-Tzu.
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300. Lisa, we can't afford
all these books.
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301. Bart, we're just
gonna borrow them.
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302. Oh. Gotcha.
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303. I want you to shut off the
logical part of your mind.
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304. Okay.
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305. Embrace nothingness.
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306. You got it.
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307. Become like
an uncarved stone.
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308. Done.
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309. Bart! You're just pretending to
know what I'm talking about.
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310. - True.
- Well it's very frustrating.
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311. I'll bet.
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312. Bart, I have
a riddle for you.
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313. What's the sound
of one hand clapping?
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314. Piece of cake.
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315. No Bart, it's a 3,000-year-old
riddle with no answer.
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316. It supposed to clear your
mind of conscious thought.
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317. No answer?
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318. Lisa, listen up.
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319. Let's try another one.
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320. If a tree falls in
the woods, and no one's around
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321. does it make a sound?
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322. Absolutely.
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323. But Bart, how can sound exist
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324. if there's no one there
to hear it?
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325. Whoo!
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326. It is time.
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327. The basis of this game
seems to be simple geometry.
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328. All you have to do
is hit the ball here.
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329. I can't believe it.
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330. You actually found a
practical use for geometry.
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331. Bart, what are you doing?
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332. Get down before
the neighbors see...
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333. - Hey, Simpson.
- D-oh!
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334. Flanders, I don't care
what this looks like.
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335. Bart's gonna mop the floor with
your son's ugly butt.
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336. Sir, may the best man win.
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337. "May the best man win."
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338. The mating call
of the loser.
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339. Just a minute, Simpson.
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340. I think my son has a very good
chance.
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341. Yeah? Want to bet?
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342. Yeah, well,
I'm not a betting man.
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343. Oh, I'm a chicken, am I?
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344. That's right.
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345. How's this for a wager?
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346. A batch of your wife's
delicious blueberry muffins
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347. against one of my wife's
homemade wind chimes.
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348. Are you afraid to make
a real bet?
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349. No, I just...
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350. You know, Simpson
Copy !req
351. you're starting
to annoy me.
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352. How about this, henny penny?
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353. If Bart wins tomorrow,
you have to mow my lawn.
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354. All right, and if Todd wins,
you have to mow my lawn
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355. and do a decent job of it
for a change!
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356. Better yet, you have
to mow my lawn
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357. in your wife's
Sunday dress!
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358. You have yourself a bet,
you... jackaninny!
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359. Read that back to me, Marge.
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360. "The father of the loser
mows the lawn..."
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361. Just a minute.
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362. Loser is such a harsh word.
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363. Couldn't we say
the boy who doesn't win?
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364. Oh, man. Fine.
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365. "The father of the boy
who doesn't win
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366. has to mow the lawn
in his wife's Sunday dress."
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367. There you go.
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368. Now, I suppose you both
have to sign this.
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369. I hope blood
won't be necessary.
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370. I'm game if you are,
Flanders.
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371. Good gravy, what have I done?
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372. Keep your left arm straight,
Bart.
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373. Rotate your shoulders.
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374. Dad!
Dad!
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375. Look, son.
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376. All I'm asking
is that you try.
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377. Okay, I'll try.
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378. Anybody can try!
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379. I want you to win!
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380. Homer?
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381. Marge? Give me your honest
opinion.
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382. This or this?
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383. Ahhh!
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384. Good morning, son.
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385. Oh, by the way, today's the day
of the big tournament.
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386. And you'd better win!
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387. Dad!
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388. See you downstairs, boy.
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389. Heh, heh, heh.
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390. That crazy Marmaduke.
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391. Eighth hole.
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392. Aim for the octopus,
third tentacle.
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393. 12th hole.
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394. Bank it off
the pink tombstone.
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395. Nirvana.
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396. A state of bliss attained
through the extinction
of the self.
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397. Here you go, Bart.
A lumberjack's breakfast
for my little golfer.
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398. Mom, Bart is on a strict diet
of complex carbohydrates.
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399. Steak will make him logy.
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400. Well, what won't make him logy?
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401. Oatmeal.
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402. Oatmeal?
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403. Oats are what
a champion thoroughbred eats
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404. before he or she wins
the Kentucky Derby.
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405. News flash, Lisa.
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406. Bart is not a horse.
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407. Eat your steak, boy.
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408. ( British accent )
Good afternoon, everybody
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409. and welcome to the finale
of what has already been
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410. a stirring afternoon
of miniature golf.
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411. The cream has risen.
The wheat has bid farewell
to the chaff.
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412. And now we approach
the championship match with but
two warriors remaining:
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413. the heretofore unknown
Bart Simpson
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414. and Todd Flanders,
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415. one of the most skilled
ten-year-olds to ever
take back the blade.
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416. Bart, having never received
any words of encouragement
myself, I'm not sure
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417. how they're
supposed to sound
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418. but here goes.
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419. I believe in you.
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420. Thanks, man.
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421. Oh Lord,
we beseech thee...
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422. Hey Flanders,
it's no use praying.
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423. I already did
the same thing
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424. and we can't both win.
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425. Actually Simp-son, we were
praying that no one gets hurt.
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426. Oh, well, Flan-ders,
it doesn't matter.
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427. This time tomorrow
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428. you'll be wearing high heels.
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429. No, you will.
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430. - Afraid not.
- Afraid so.
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431. Afraid not.
Afraid so.
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432. Afraid not, infinity.
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433. Afraid so,
infinity plus one.
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434. D-ohhh!
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435. Young Flanders has the honor
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436. and will tee off first.
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437. It's got a chance.
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438. ( ball clanking )
Yes, sir!
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439. Oh, man.
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440. ( exhaling )
Tree falling in the woods.
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441. Tree falling in...
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442. And the battle
is well and truly joined.
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443. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
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444. Mercy is for the weak, Todd!
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445. Yay!
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446. Yay!
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447. D-ohhh!
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448. Yay!
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449. If one were to look up
"courage"
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450. in the
Oxford English dictionary
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451. They approach
the final hole
in the shadow of
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452. The Great Emancipator
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453. deadlocked at eight strokes
on the happy side of par.
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454. Soon, one man will
emerge triumphant.
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455. He will drink naught
but champagne
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456. while his opponent
tastes bitter defeat,
in this oft-cruel game.
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457. It's okay, son.
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458. You can recover.
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459. Come on, Bart.
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460. Remember what
Vince Lombardi said—
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461. 'If you lose,
you're out of the family.'
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462. Homer!
( smack )
Ow!
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463. Whew!
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464. Neither man
showing his best form.
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465. This sort of pressure
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466. can unhinge even the steeliest
of competitors.
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467. This is pretty tense,
isn't it, Todd?
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468. Yeah. My knees
are shaking
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469. I got butterflies in my stomach
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470. but I guess
this builds character.
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471. Who wants to build character?
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472. Let's quit.
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473. Okay.
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474. We decided
we're equally good.
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475. We wanna call it a draw, man.
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476. Hmm.
Hmm.
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477. Highly irregular.
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478. Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a draw.
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479. A draw?
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480. Forgive an old Brit for crying
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481. but this is
the most stirring display
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482. of gallantry and sportsmanship
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483. since Mountbatten
gave Egypt back to the Punjabis.
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484. Put her there, man.
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485. Yeah, all right.
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486. Well, Homer
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487. our kids
showed us something today, huh?
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488. By working together,
we can both be winners.
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489. Thank heaven, neither of us
has to go through
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490. with that silly wager.
Put her there, pal.
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491. Oh, so you're going
to welch on our bet?
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492. What are you talking about?
Neither boy lost.
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493. I got it in right here
in writing.
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494. "The father of the boy
who doesn't win
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495. has to mow the lawn
in his wife's Sunday dress."
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496. Yeah, but neith—
I mean we're both..
You have to do it too.
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497. It's a small price
to pay
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498. to see you
humiliate yourself.
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499. Hmm, my best dress.
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500. Why do I get the feeling
that someday
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501. I'll be describing this
to a psychiatrist?
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502. Listen to them laughing.
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503. This is so humiliating.
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504. I'm never gonna live this down.
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505. Damn Flanders.
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506. You know, Simpson,
I feel kind of silly
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507. but what the hay?
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508. Kinda reminds me of my
good ol' fraternity days.
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509. D-ohhh!
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510. Oh, my God!
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511. He's enjoying it.
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512. Shh!
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