The Simpsons 2x5

Directed by Mark Kirkland

Tom Poston as Capital City Goofball (voice) • Tony Bennett as Tony Bennett (voice) • Daryl Coley as Bleeding Gums Murphy (voice) • Ken Levine as Dan Horde (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Van Houten / Janey Powell / Ex-Wife (voice)

Homer fires up the crowd at a Springfield Isotopes baseball game and is chosen to be the team's new mascot. He immediately becomes a popular attraction and the Isotopes start a winning streak. As a result, Homer is promoted to a team in Capital City, the Capital City Capitals.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. So, Homer, what happened

2. in Capital City?

3. Oh, Barney.

4. Come on, Homer. We're dying of curiosity.

5. Look, there's only one thing worse

6. than being a loser.

7. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar

8. telling the story of how he became a loser.

9. And I never want that to happen to me.

10. Please Homer. Come on, Homer.

11. Well, okay.

12. It all started on nuclear plant employee, spouses

13. and no-more-than- three-children night

14. down at Springfield Stadium.

15. Well, I think we lost him.

16. Hey, and we're at the ball park.

17. All right!

18. Two birds with one stone.

19. Okay, everybody out.

20. Ya know, boy, some of the players you see tonight

21. may make it to the big leagues one day.

22. What? Aren't we going to see

23. any washed-up major leaguers?

24. Sure, we get a nice mix here.

25. I can't think of a better place to spend a balmy summer's night, than the old ball yard.

26. There's just the green grass of the outfield

27. the crushed brick of the infield

28. and the white chalk lines that divide the man from the little boy.

29. Lisa, honey, you're forgetting the beer.

30. It comes in 72-ounce tubs here.

31. I hope you'll space out the tubs this year, Homer.

32. What are you getting at?

33. Well, last year you got a little rambunctious

34. and mooned the poor umpire.

35. Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat.

36. It also gives me the right—

37. no, the duty—

38. to make a complete ass of myself.

39. Hmm.

40. Ah, the Gammills.

41. Good to see you.

42. You're an inspiration

43. to all of us in waste management, sir.

44. Well, take your mind off contaminates for one night

45. and have a hot dog.

46. Put a little smile

47. on his card, Smithers.

48. Already there, sir.

49. It's the Simpsons.

50. Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps.

51. Uh, Simpsons, sir.

52. Huh?

53. Oh, yes.

54. Homer and Marge Simpson.

55. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and expecting.

56. The card needs to be updated, sir.

57. Well...

58. Oh, that's okay.

59. The baby's name isn't important. Let's go, Marge.

60. Peanuts! Get your peanuts here!

61. Oh, wow!

62. There's Flash Baylor.

63. I gotta get his autograph.

64. He used to be a star.

65. Hey Flash, will you sign my ball?

66. No.

67. Lousy, washed-up broken-down tub of guts.

68. Who does he think he is, anyway?

69. What's the matter, boy?

70. He wouldn't sign my ball.

71. Well, he's a fine role model.

72. Bart, give me that ball.

73. Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail headin' this way.

74. Hey, there, little lady.

75. What can Flash do for you?

76. Here you go, Bart.

77. Hmm.

78. "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel

79. "Room 26.

80. How 'bout it? Flash."

81. Wow!

82. Flash Baylor came on to my wife.

83. You've still got the magic, Marge.

84. Dad, look! You're on Jumbovision.

85. Whoa!

86. Hey, everybody, how you doing?

87. Look at me.

88. I'm Homer Simpson.

89. Homer, X-Y-Z.

90. Examine my zipper? Why?

91. Whoops!

92. Thanks, everybody.

93. Game announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball

94. the man whose name is synonymous

95. with our nation's safest and cleanest energy source—

96. Mr. Montgomery Burns!

97. They love you, sir.

98. As well they might.

99. You know, Smithers, when I was a young buck

100. my patented fadeaway pitch was compared by many

101. to the "trouble ball"

102. of the late, great Satchel Paige.

103. Spit on this for me, Smithers.

104. One hocker coming up, sir.

105. Wuah!

106. What a lame-o.

107. I think I could actually hear the air being torn, sir.

108. Oh, shut up.

109. Hey, Burns!

110. Hey, rag arm!

111. You throw like my sister, man!

112. Yeah, you throw like me!

113. Ladies and gentlemen, to honor America

114. will you please rise for our national anthem

115. sung tonight by Springfield's rhythm and blues sensation

116. Bleeding Gums Murphy.

117. I'm asking—

118. Hi-tee-hi Springfield. Dan Hoard, mikeside.

119. Tonight our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians.

120. The 'Topes are looking to snap that darn 26-game

121. losing streak— longest in professional baseball.

122. How 'bout that? Our sleepy town is in the record book.

123. Sitting with the employees—

124. I guess this proves I'm their friend.

125. You did get me something on an aisle, Smithers?

126. I don't want to be surrounded by them.

127. Let's go now!

128. Swing, batter!

129. We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!

130. We want a catcher

131. not a belly scratcher!

132. Here we are, sir.

133. Oh, no.

134. Oh Marge, sitting next to the boss.

135. The best night of the year, and it's ruined.

136. Of all the lousy, rotten...

137. All this means is you can't wave your fanny in public.

138. Oh, rub it in.

139. Beer here!

140. Duff beer!

141. Beer.. Did you hear that, Marge?

142. Delicious, frosty beer.

143. Fat lot of good it does me, sitting next to old man Burns.

144. Now, Homer.

145. I suppose you want a beer.

146. Me, sir?

147. Oh, no, not a chance.

148. Only idiots drink beer.

149. Actually I was wondering if you'd join me?

150. My treat.

151. Oh. Well, if someone of your stature

152. can enjoy a beer

153. maybe I'm all turned around on the subject.

154. Wait a minute.

155. We're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?

156. No.

157. Vendor, two, please.

158. $2.50.

159. The hitter's off his rocker, kissing Betty Crocker!

160. Good one, sir.

161. I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack

162. with that one at old Shibe Park.

163. Little baby batter can't control his bladder!

164. Crude, but I like it.

165. What do you say

166. we freshen up our little drinkie-poos?

167. Don't mind if I do.

168. Well, Simpsy, you up for another wave?

169. All right, Burnsy.

170. Wo! Wa!

171. Wa! Wo!

172. Wo! Wa!

173. Bases loaded.

174. 'Topes have one out, down by three.

175. Here's the pitch.

176. Swung on and missed.

177. Strike three. Of course.

178. Damnation.

179. These banjos couldn't carry Pie Traynor's glove.

180. Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out

181. we'll go right to the postgame show.

182. C'mon, all we need is a grand slam.

183. My one game of the year

184. ruined by pathetic incompetence.

185. What's wrong with you people?

186. Let's show some spirit! Come on, get up!

187. Your team needs you!

188. Come on!

189. As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication

190. that had nothing to do with alcohol.

191. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.

192. There's some nut

193. down in right field

194. dancing up a storm.

195. He's really got the crowd going.

196. Let's see if he can shake up mediocre slugger Big Bill McCloskey.

197. Swung on and belted to deep left field!

198. It's going, going...

199. It's gone! It's out of here!

200. Oh, my God! The Isotopes win a game!

201. The Isotopes win a game!

202. The Isotopes win a game!

203. That was certainly exciting.

204. Yes. Unfortunately

205. Homer Simpson's shameless display of exhibitionism

206. tainted the entire evening.

207. I want him banned for life from all company outings.

208. Way to go, Homer.

209. Hey, thank you.

210. You're too kind.

211. Glad you enjoyed it, but I can't take all the credit.

212. The batter did his part, too.

213. Excuse me. You, sir— the dancing fella.

214. I'm Antoine Tex Ohara.

215. I own the Isotopes.

216. Would you be interested in becoming our official mascot?

217. Me? A mascot for a bush league team?

218. I should have slept on it

219. or at least stared blankly for a while.

220. Perhaps if I had been unable to think of a nickname

221. all our lives might have been spared.

222. Get on the bus, Dancin' Homer.

223. Will you shut up!

224. I'm trying to think of a name.

225. Well, I'm ready to punch in.

226. Huh-ho.. hey, cool, man.

227. Our lives have taken an odd turn.

228. Did the team ask you to dress like that, Homer?

229. Nope.

230. This was my own bright idea.

231. Come on, we gotta hurry. Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids.

232. Save room for your nachos.

233. All right!

234. For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me

235. they were laughing towards me.

236. 'Topes win! 'Topes win!

237. Two in a row! Two in a row!

238. A Simpson on a T-shirt.

239. I never thought I'd see the day.

240. Ooh, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie.

241. Hey, knock that off

242. or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine.

243. Oh, yeah? And where might that be?

244. Oh.

245. Helen, I'm in a Caribbean mood tonight.

246. How 'bout giving me "Baby Elephant Walk"

247. with a little reggae kind of beat.

248. ( with Jamaican accent: Go, Dancin' Homer. Git up man! Git up.

249. Lively up yourself, Dancin' Homer.

250. Bases loaded. Two outs.

251. The good guys trail by a run.

252. "S!"

253. "P!"

254. "R!"

255. "I!"

256. "N!"

257. "G!"

258. "F!"

259. "E - E - I - D!"

260. Springfield! Yay!

261. Here's the pitch.

262. Swung on and missed.

263. Strike three.

264. 'Topes lose.

265. 'Topes lose...

266. 'Topes lose...

267. You wanted to see me, Tex?

268. Homer, now we both knew when you began doin' this

269. you weren't gonna be here forever.

270. Oh, oh, oh, I get it.

271. You can't fire the players, so you fire the mascot.

272. You make me sick.

273. Homer, I'm not firing you. I just got the word:

274. You've been called up to Capital City.

275. Me? In the majors?

276. That's right.

277. Well wait a minute. Capital City has a mascot.

278. The greatest mascot there is—

279. the Capital City Goofball.

280. Yeah, but he's gettin' on in years and he needs someone to fill in for

281. a couple of innings a night.

282. Could be a big opportunity for ya'.

283. I'll say.

284. Why don't you talk it over with your family?

285. Because they might say no.

286. This was our biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced.

287. I should have listened to the kids

288. instead of my dumb wife.

289. I shouldn't have called her that. Bite my tongue.

290. Bite my tongue... ow!

291. I can't leave Springfield.

292. I was born here

293. and I thought I would die here.

294. It won't be so bad.

295. You'll die some place else.

296. What am I supposed to do about friends?

297. Pfft! You'll make new and better friends.

298. But, Dad, we're simple people with simple values.

299. Capital City is too big and too complex.

300. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us.

301. Homer, I'd be lying

302. if I didn't say that this scares me a little.

303. but we all have a calling—

304. a reason the almighty put us on this Earth—

305. and yours might be to dance on dugouts.

306. You mean..?

307. Let's do it, Homer.

308. Yeah, let's blow this pop stand

309. and never look back.

310. Whatever doesn't kill me

311. can only make me stronger.

312. It's not that simple. I've got to convince my supervisor

313. to give me a leave of absence.

314. Sure. What would you like?

315. Four years? Five years?

316. So, Simpson, you're really moving to Capital City?

317. That's right, Ned.

318. All this stuff is for sale?

319. I don't know how to say this, but...

320. Knock it off, Flanders.

321. Don't start blubbering on me.

322. I'm going to miss you too... not.

323. I don't know, Bart.

324. I'm going to miss you and all, but...

325. Come on, Milhouse.

326. This way we'll be friends forever.

327. Well... okay.

328. Eww! Eww!

329. I'm going to miss you, spit brother.

330. I'm going to miss you, spit brother.

331. I can't help but feel that if we had gotten to know each other better

332. my leaving would have meant something.

333. Yeah. Yeah, right.

334. Well, we have one quick stop

335. and then it's on to Capital City.

336. I can't believe it—

337. our baby sister in the big city.

338. I'll call every day. I'll call you too.

339. Look, he can use a horn.

340. Oh, shut up.

341. ( crowd applause ) Some may say

342. that I have been given a bad break in life—

343. little education

344. bald as a cue ball

345. ten years on the same job for the same salary.

346. But today, as I leave for Capital City

347. I consider myself

348. the luckiest mascot on the face of the Earth.

349. With the fickle fans already forgetting me

350. I was ready to take the biggest step of my life.

351. D-ohhh!

352. Well, kids, there it is—

353. Capital City!

354. Look!

355. The cross-town bridge!

356. Wow.

357. Wow.

358. The Penny Loafer!

359. Kids, look!

360. Street crime.

361. Wow!

362. That's service!

363. Look, it's Tony Bennett!

364. Hey, good to see you.

365. Fourth street and D!

366. The Duff brewery!

367. Capital City, yeah!

368. C...

369. A...

370. P...

371. Uh... I...

372. Come to bed, Homie.

373. Sorry, honey.

374. I'm just a little nervous.

375. We would talk about it always.

376. For the first time in our lives

377. Marge fell asleep before I did.

378. Okay, here are your tickets.

379. They are supposed to be good.

380. You're sitting with the players' wives.

381. Don't forget to cheer for me.

382. See you after the game

383. when you're a star.

384. Bart was strangely quiet.

385. Later, he explained he was confused by feelings of respect for me.

386. It wouldn't last.

387. Wow.

388. Oh my God! I don't believe it.

389. It's really you—

390. The Capital City Goofball.

391. Hello, Dancin' Homer.

392. Glad to have you aboard.

393. If there's anything I can do for you

394. ( honking ) Just squeeze the wheeze.

395. The fifth inning will be yours.

396. Everyone is settled in.

397. They've had a couple of beers.

398. The game is official.

399. It's a pretty important inning.

400. Wow, the fifth.

401. It's also the inning

402. I wish I had a zipper on the front of this thing, if you know what I mean.

403. Right, Mr. Goofball.

404. Call me plain old "Goof."

405. So, what exactly do you have planned for us?

406. Well, I get up, I dance, I spell out the name of the city

407. all to the tune of "Baby Elephant Walk."

408. Ah, Mancini— the mascot's best friend.

409. Well, see you on that field.

410. I'll set 'em up.

411. You knock 'em down.

412. Well, hello again everybody.

413. Dave Glass talking at you..

414. We got great weather here tonight under the dome.

415. Hmm, let's see.

416. Upper, upper, upper mezzanine.

417. Hmm.

418. Yes, these must be ours.

419. These seats stink!

420. You'd think players' wives would be a little closer to the action.

421. Actually, this section is for the players' ex-wives.

422. And then I found out that all the while

423. there was this bimbo in Kansas City.

424. Throw at his head!

425. Who'd have thought it? A free ticket to a big league park

426. but I was too tense to enjoy the game.

427. Every ounce of concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand.

428. Red Hots!

429. Get your Red Hots here!

430. Ooh, Red Hots.

431. Ladies and gentlemen

432. Capital City's newest sensation, Dancin' H-O-M-E-R!

433. Mmm, these do taste better at the ball park.

434. Uh-oh.

435. There he is!

436. I was graceful.

437. I was witty.

438. Brother, I was something.

439. But they didn't care.

440. What is with these people?

441. Why are they sitting on their hands?

442. Mom, what's he doing wrong?

443. I don't know.

444. It was so quiet

445. you heard each individual smart-ass remark.

446. This guy doesn't make me want to cheer.

447. Gee, I really pity him, making a fool of himself in front of so many people.

448. These cornball antics may play in the sticks, but this is Capital City.

449. The only applause I got was for dragging my carcass out of there.

450. Hey, Mr. Showmanship.

451. The owner wants to see you in his office right now.

452. I'm sorry, young man, but you're just not ready.

453. Pick up your check at the office

454. and for God's sake, put some clothes on!

455. Well, I guess it's back to good old Springfield.

456. But I can't go back!

457. Not after I've seen the bright lights of Capital City.

458. I'll wither and die like a hothouse flower.

459. Now stop it, you two, and don't look too down.

460. I'm sure this is hard enough for your father.

461. Yay! Yay!

462. Way to go!

463. Yay, Dad!

464. What a family.

465. My wife and kids stood by me.

466. On the way home

467. I realized how little that helped.

468. So that's it.

469. The costume's buried now.

470. As my son would say, I'm one sad

471. apelike dude.

472. Wow!

473. What a saga.

474. Hey. You guys are hanging on my every word.

475. I've become the center of attention.

476. Yeah, it's riveting.

477. Tell it again, Homer.

478. Okay.

479. I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation

480. make you more popular.

481. I don't know. They just do.