The Simpsons 2x4

Maggie Roswell as Gov. Mary Bailey (voice)

Bart catches a three-eyed fish in a river downstream of the Nuclear Power Plant. This causes the plant to become inspected, and in order to prevent it from being shut down, Mr. Burns decides to run for governor. After a hard campaign which sees Burns rise from being universally despised to running neck and neck with popular incumbent Mary Bailey, it is decided that Burns will have dinner with a random employee the night before the election. Homer is chosen, much to Marge's chagrin.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. So, kids, caught anything?

2. Not yet, sir.

3. What are you using for bait?

4. My brother's using worms

5. but I, who feel the tranquility

6. far outweighs the actual catching of fish

7. am using nothing.

8. I see. What's your name, son?

9. I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

10. I'm Dave Shutton.

11. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot.

12. I must say, that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.

13. Well this is my day, and we do, sir.

14. All right, we eat tonight!

15. Hooah!

16. Wait a minute.

17. One, two...

18. three?

19. Leave it to good 'ol Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something

20. about that hideous genetic mutation.

21. Mary Bailey! Well, if I was governor

22. I'd sure find better things to do with my time.

23. Like what?

24. Like getting Washington's birthday

25. and Lincoln's birthday back as separate paid holidays.

26. President's Day...

27. Pfft! What a rip-off.

28. I bust my butt day in and day out—

29. You're late for work, Homer.

30. So? Someone will punch in for me.

31. Try not to spill anything, Dad.

32. Keep those mutants coming, Homer.

33. I'll mutant you.

34. Oh, man! Plain cake doughnuts.

35. Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys!

36. Why can't I

37. ever get here on time?

38. Hi-ho, faceless employees.

39. In a few moments

40. the government inspection team will be touring our plant.

41. So look busy and keep your mouths shut!

42. That is all.

43. Very stirring, sir. Uh-oh—

44. Here they come.

45. Hold me, Smithers.

46. Okay men, Geiger counters on.

47. Huh? Huh? Huh?

48. I suppose that's normal background radiation—

49. the kind you'd find

50. in any well-maintained nuclear facility

51. or for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.

52. Sorry.

53. Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.

54. I'm as shocked as you are.

55. Plutonium rod used as paperweight.

56. Now that shouldn't be.

57. Yeah, well, that's always been like that.

58. Uh... just resting my eyes.

59. Well done.

60. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.

61. Monitoring station unmanned.

62. Look here, inspector

63. could I speak to you privately in my office?

64. Mr. Burns, in 20 years

65. I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable...

66. Oh, look.

67. Some careless person has left thousands

68. and thousands of dollars

69. just lying here on my coffee table.

70. Smithers, why don't we leave the room

71. and hopefully, when we return

72. the pile of money will be gone.

73. D-ohh!

74. Look, Smithers, the money

75. and a very stupid man are still here.

76. Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to bribe me.

77. Is there some confusion about this?

78. Take it, you poor shmo.

79. Mr. Burns, I'm going to overlook this felony.

80. However, I will not overlook the 342 violations

81. I have observed at your plant today.

82. Either bring this place up to code

83. or we'll shut it down.

84. Good day.

85. Oh, well.

86. A little dab of paint here

87. a little spackle there...

88. how much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?

89. Approximately $56 million, sir.

90. $56 million?

91. Don't hit me, sir.

92. Oh, that I had the strength

93. to take it out on you, Smithers.

94. Now, please go.

95. I would be alone.

96. Empty— bah!

97. Uh... just resting my eyes.

98. Oh.

99. Holy moly! 9:30.

100. Hello, Marge.

101. Sorry I didn't call, but it's been a madhouse down here.

102. Yeah, these 12-hour days are killing me.

103. Echo!

104. ( echoing: ) echo, echo, echo...

105. Huh?

106. Hmm? What the..?

107. Uh... Mr. Burns?

108. Sorry sir, it's just me, Homer Simpson.

109. Is everything all right?

110. Working late, Simpson?

111. Yes, sir.

112. You and I are a dying breed, Simpson.

113. I'm going to share something with you.

114. Hop in.

115. Ooh! Cushy.

116. Homer, they're trying

117. to shut us down.

118. They say we're contaminating the planet.

119. Well, nobody's perfect.

120. Can't the government just get off our backs?

121. I was just telling the wife that if I was governor, I'd do things a lot differently.

122. Oh, get off your soapbox, Simpson! Do you realize how much

123. it costs to run for office? More than any honest man could afford!

124. I bet you could afford it, though.

125. Don't g-get me wrong.

126. You're an honest man.

127. I just meant that you could afford to run for governor if you felt like it.

128. Of course, I'm just rambling because you keep staring at me like that, but it's true.

129. I mean, if you were governor

130. you could decide what's safe and what isn't.

131. Where we going, sir?

132. To create a new and better world.

133. If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?

134. Well, he's got my vote.

135. Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.

136. Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.

137. I'm for Monty Burns.

138. Ooh! A political discussion at our table.

139. I feel like a Kennedy.

140. Frankly, I don't see how one of the most despicable men who ever lived

141. has a chance against Mary Bailey,

142. the most beloved governor

143. our great state has ever known.

144. Now, here's the problem as I see it.

145. While Governor Bailey is beloved by all

146. 98% of the voters

147. rate you as despicable or worse.

148. That's why we've assembled

149. the finest campaign team money can buy.

150. This is your speech writer

151. your joke writer, your spin doctor

152. your makeup man and your personal trainer.

153. Their job— to turn

154. this Mr. Burns...

155. into this.

156. Why are my teeth

157. showing like that?

158. Because you're smiling.

159. Ah, excellent!

160. This is exactly the kind of trickery

161. I'm paying you for.

162. But how do we turn your average Joe Six-pack against Mary Bailey?

163. With this team of investigators—

164. your muckraker, your character assassin

165. your mudslinger, your garbologist.

166. Hello.

167. Their job is to turn Mary Bailey

168. from this...

169. into this.

170. Visually, it's helped so much. Thank you.

171. But first

172. there's a burning issue that we need to address and to neutralize immediately.

173. D-ohh!

174. I hate that fish.

175. Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon.

176. Please stay tuned for a paid political announcement

177. brought to you by the friends of Montgomery Burns.

178. Burns? Change the channel.

179. You change it.

180. No, you change it.

181. I changed it last week.

182. Fine, be a jerk.

183. We'll just sit here and watch it.

184. Oh, no, an election?

185. It's one of those deals

186. where they close the bars, isn't it?

187. Sorry, Barney.

188. I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish?

189. Oh Marge, what's the big deal? I'll bet before the papers

190. blew this out of proportion

191. you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.

192. 30 seconds to air, Mr. Burns.

193. Remember to smile.

194. I am smiling.

195. You'll have to do better than that.

196. How's this?

197. There you go.

198. I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

199. Well, we've done all we can, Mr. Burns.

200. The rest is up to you.

201. Oh, don't worry. By the time this paid political announcement is done,

202. every Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state

203. will be eating out of my hand.

204. Oh, hello, friends.

205. I'm Montgomery Burns, your next governor.

206. I'm here to talk to you about my little friend, here, Blinky.

207. Many of you consider him to be a hideous genetic mutation.

208. Nothing could be further from the truth.

209. But don't take my word for it. Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin

210. what he thinks.

211. Hello, Mr. Burns.

212. Oh, hello, Charles.

213. Be a good fellow, and tell our viewers

214. about your theory of natural selection.

215. Glad to, Mr. Burns.

216. You see, every so often, mother nature changes her animals

217. giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs

218. or, in this case, a third eye.

219. And if these variations

220. turn out to be an improvement

221. the new animals thrive and multiply

222. and spread across the face of the Earth.

223. So you're saying this fish

224. might have an advantage over other fish?

225. It may in fact, be a kind of superfish.

226. I wouldn't mind having a third eye. Would you?

227. Heh-heh-heh... no.

228. You see friends, if our anti-nuclear nay-sayers and choose-up-siders

229. were to come upon an elephant frolicking in the waters

230. next to our nuclear power plant

231. they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose

232. on the nuclear bogeyman.

233. The truth is, this fish

234. is a miracle of nature

235. with a taste

236. that can't be beat.

237. Mm-mmm!

238. So, to summarize...

239. say what you want about me.

240. I can take the slings and arrows

241. but stop slandering poor, defenseless Blinky.

242. Good night

243. and God bless.

244. Wow! Superfish!

245. I wish the government would get off his back.

246. That Burns is just what this state needs—

247. young blood!

248. I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey?

249. Homer, I'm a Bailey booster.

250. Oh yeah? Well, I'm a Burns booster.

251. Ow!

252. Congratulations Mr. Burns,

253. The latest polls show you're up six points.

254. Giving me a total of..?

255. Six... but we're on our way.

256. Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent seems to think that the voters

257. of this state are gullible fools.

258. I, however

259. prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgment.

260. Interesting strategy. Good luck.

261. I say taxes are too high!

262. Have you found any dirt on Mary Bailey?

263. Well, we've gone through her garbage.

264. We talked to her maid.

265. And so far, the only negative thing we have found

266. was from some guy who dated her when she was 16.

267. Ah! and?

268. He uh, he felt her up.

269. Bah! Not good enough.

270. We're going to send a message

271. to those bureaucrats down there in the state capital!

272. Is your boss governor yet?

273. Not yet, son, not yet.

274. The voters now see you

275. as imperial and God-like.

276. Hot dog!

277. But there's a downside to it. The latest polls indicate

278. you're in danger of losing touch with the common man.

279. Oh, dear. Heaven forefend!

280. Which is why the night before the election

281. we want you

282. to have dinner at the home of one of your workers.

283. Oh, I get your angle.

284. Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat

285. in this God-forsaken state will see me

286. hunkering down chow with Eddie Punchclock.

287. The media will have a field day.

288. The only question is—

289. can we find someone common enough?

290. Ugh.

291. Well, I knew there would be sacrifices.

292. crunching )

293. Oh, great toast, Marge!

294. Mm.., oh by the way

295. the night before the election

296. Mr. Burns is coming over for dinner.

297. What?

298. And some reporters and camera crew, but you don't need to feed them.

299. Cool man! A media circus.

300. Absolutely not.

301. Come on, Marge.

302. I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.

303. D-ohh!

304. Kids, please leave the room.

305. I don't want you to see this.

306. Uh-oh.

307. Please, please, please, please, please, please.

308. We're hoping that one of the children

309. might pop up with a question about the upcoming election.

310. Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime tomorrow?

311. "Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have

312. "the momentum of a runaway freight train.

313. Why are you so popular?"

314. Very good.

315. Well as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears

316. that he's contaminating the planet

317. in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable?

318. No dear, the card question will be fine.

319. I think the non-card question is a valid...

320. Marge!

321. Don't worry. My daughter's very bright.

322. I'm sure she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.

323. And finally,

324. Mr. Burns wants you to appear very affectionate to him

325. but we must remind you, he hates being touched.

326. Mmm?

327. Marge, get back in bed.

328. No, I'm just fine right here.

329. What's wrong? I just want to snuggle.

330. Well, I don't feel like snuggling.

331. What's that got to do with it?

332. I don't wanna snuggle with anybody who's not letting me express myself.

333. But you do get to express yourself

334. and the lovely home you keep and the food you serve.

335. Hmm... okay, Homer.

336. Fair enough.

337. You got it.

338. All right.

339. Good. That's it.

340. That's how I'm going to express myself. That's right.

341. Good night.

342. Huh?

343. Well, what do we think?

344. Hey, hello, handsome.

345. Hey, get that stuff off his face.

346. We're here to have dinner with a common man

347. not Tyrone Power.

348. Latest polls are in.

349. It's dead even.

350. Fifty-fifty.

351. This cornball stunt is gonna put us over the top.

352. Whoa, he's here!

353. Hello, Homer.

354. Marge, you look dazzling.

355. Oh, and look, I've brought noodle kugel.

356. D-ahh!

357. Uh... bad dog!

358. Bad neighbor dog.

359. Here, let me help you up, Mr. Burns.

360. Watch it.

361. I love dogs.

362. Babies too.

363. Kitty, kitty.

364. Are you all right, Mr. Burns?

365. Oh, of course. A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite.

366. The latest polls are in.

367. The statesman-like way you handled the pet incident

368. has put you over the top.

369. You're ahead, 51 to 49.

370. Congratulations, "Mr. Governor."

371. Excellent.

372. Bart, would you like to say grace?

373. Dear God... we pay for all this stuff ourselves,

374. so thanks for nothing.

375. ( chuckles nervously ) Only an innocent child

376. could get away with such blasphemy.

377. God bless them all.

378. Amen.

379. He's smokin', he's smokin'.

380. Um, you know, Mr. Burns...

381. my family and I, um...

382. feel our taxes

383. are too high.

384. Where do you stand on this highly controversial issue?

385. Goodness, I didn't realize this casual dinner

386. was going to turn into a charged political debate.

387. I was only reading what the card...

388. Homer, I agree with you, and if I'm elected governor

389. I will lower taxes whether those bureaucrats

390. in the state capital like it or not!

391. Lisa, do you have a question

392. you would like to ask your Uncle Montgomery?

393. Yes, sir.

394. A very inane one.

395. Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum

396. of a runaway freight train.

397. Why are you so popular?

398. Ooh, a tough question, but a fair one.

399. Lisa, there's no single answer.

400. Some voters respond to my integrity.

401. Others are more impressed with my incorruptibility.

402. Still others by my determination to lower taxes

403. and the bureaucrats in the state capitol can put that in their pipes and smoke it!

404. Oh, Mom, that felt awful.

405. I'm sorry, dear.

406. It will all be over soon.

407. But Mom, we've become the tools of evil.

408. Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight

409. and one of them is

410. to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.

411. or even a square deal.

412. Mmm! Smells delightful.

413. All right— three-eyed fish!

414. Can I have your plate, Mr. Burns?

415. Ptui!

416. Get a shot.

417. I can't believe it.

418. He's blown it for sure.

419. Ruined before it hit the ground.

420. Get me the City Desk.

421. Here's your headline, Phil—

422. "Burns can't swallow own story."

423. The latest polls indicate Burns' popularity has plummeted to Earth

424. like so much half-chewed fish.

425. You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve.

426. Smithers, boil some coffee.

427. We're not licked yet.

428. Yes, we are.

429. Come on, boys, the old guy's finished.

430. Wait! Come back. You can't do this to me.

431. I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!

432. Smithers, tip over this table for me.

433. Yes, sir.

434. Homer...

435. Homer, make them stop.

436. Ahem!

437. Uh, Mr. Burns?

438. Uh, Mr. Burns?

439. Shut up and wreck something.

440. Mr. Burns?

441. I hardly see

442. what destroying our meager possessions

443. is going to accomplish.

444. She's right.

445. Take me home, Smithers.

446. We'll destroy something tasteful.

447. Ironic isn't it, Smithers?

448. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes

449. has cost me the election

450. and yet if I were to have them killed

451. I would be the one to go to jail.

452. That's democracy for you.

453. You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

454. Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years

455. that your dreams will go unfulfilled.

456. Uh-oh, you're busted, Dad.

457. My dreams will go unfulfilled?

458. Oh, no. I don't like the sound of that one bit.

459. That means I have nothing to hope for.

460. Marge, make it better, please?

461. Can't you make it better?

462. Homer, when a man's biggest dreams

463. include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling

464. and sleeping till noon on weekends

465. no one man can destroy them.

466. Hey, you did it!

467. Shh!