The Simpsons 2x3

Directed by David Silverman • Wes Archer • Rich Moore

James Earl Jones as Moving Man / Serak the Preparer / Narrator (voice)

The Simpson kids hide in the family treehouse and tell each other spooky stories. The first regards haunted houses, the second introduces Kang and Kodos for the first time in an alien abduction, and the third is a Simpson-adapted retelling of The Raven.

Request examples:

!req The Simpsons 2x3 [02:32]
!req The Simpsons 2x3 [The Simpsons 2x3]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Simpsons 2x3 [10-11]; !req The Simpsons 2x3 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. ( clears throat ) Hello everyone.

2. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday.

3. Personally, I don't understand it.

4. Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils..

5. Things on TV that are completely inappropriate

6. for younger viewers.

7. Things like the following half-hour.

8. Nothing seems to bother my kids

9. but tonight's show—

10. which I totally wash my hands of—

11. is really scary.

12. So, if you have sensitive children

13. maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight

14. instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow.

15. Thanks for your attention.

16. Ooh, what a haul this year.

17. I love Halloween.

18. Heh, heh.

19. Wait a minute.

20. Let's see what the kids are up to.

21. and the policeman on the other end of the phone said

22. "We have traced the call.

23. "It's coming from the floor below you.

24. "Get out of the house!"

25. But it was too late.

26. End of story.

27. Yawn..I heard that when I was in third grade.

28. It's not scary.

29. Is too!

30. Is not.

31. Is too!

32. - Is not! - Is too.

33. Fine.

34. Then you tell one scarier.

35. Flashlight, please.

36. Here's a story that's really scarifying.

37. Oh, brother.

38. I call it...

39. That's all of it.

40. Sign here.

41. There you are, my man

42. and a dollar for yourself.

43. A buck.

44. I'm glad there's a curse on this place.

45. Well, it's all ours.

46. I still can't believe how inexpensive it was.

47. Motivated seller, Marge.

48. He certainly must have been motivated.

49. Prime location, 18 bedrooms, a moat.

50. We shouldn't be able to afford this.

51. So we got a good deal for once.

52. Quit fighting it.

53. It just seems too good to be true.

54. Ow! Mom, Bart threw a book at me!

55. Did not.

56. Did too!

57. Did not!

58. Did too!

59. Male voice: Get out!

60. What on Earth was that?

61. Probably just the house settling.

62. Hmm, this kitchen certainly could use a woman's touch.

63. Homer!

64. What's this thing in the corner? I dunno.

65. It looks like a vortex—

66. a gateway into another dimension.

67. Ooh, a vortex.

68. Catch!

69. Hey, pretty slick.

70. Huh?

71. "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension."

72. Mom, Dad

73. Help!

74. Get out.

75. Okay, boy, let's see you talk yourself out of this one.

76. I can feel an evil presence in this house.

77. Evil?

78. Quiet, Lisa.

79. You're scaring your mother.

80. Children, get your coats.

81. We're leaving this house right now.

82. Wait a minute, Marge.

83. It's only natural there would be some things wrong

84. with an old house like this.

85. It's a fixer-upper.

86. What's the problem? We get a bunch of priests in here...

87. I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.

88. Don't be so stubborn!

89. We're not talking about a few dollars.

90. We're talking about a few thousand dollars!

91. It's got great

92. high ceilings.

93. Tell you what, let's sleep on it, okay?

94. All right, but if anything happens...

95. What could happen?

96. Mmm...

97. male voice: They are all against you, Bart.

98. You must kill them all.

99. They all must die.

100. Are you my conscience?

101. I...

102. Yes, I am.

103. Lisa, Lisa.

104. The butcher knife, Lisa.

105. They are all against me.

106. They all must die.

107. Marge.

108. Oh, Marge?

109. I'm in the kitchen, Homer.

110. Die!

111. Die!

112. Everybody, die.

113. What's going on out here?

114. Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, stop it!

115. Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Bart. Sorry, Dad.

116. That does it.

117. Children, get dressed. We're leaving.

118. C'mon Marge, you said you'd sleep on it.

119. I don't care what I said.

120. This family has had its differences, and we've squabbled

121. but we never had knife fights before

122. and I blame this house.

123. Mom, Dad, look!

124. It's an ancient Indian burial ground.

125. Man, this place has got everything.

126. An ancient Indian what?

127. Mr. Plute, Homer Simpson here.

128. When you sold me this house

129. you forgot to mention one little thing.

130. You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground!

131. No, you didn't!

132. Well, that's not my recollection.

133. Yeah, well... all right, good-bye.

134. He says he mentioned it five or six times.

135. Let's go, children.

136. Aw, gee, Marge.

137. Homer.

138. You will die.

139. You will die slowly.

140. Your stomach will swell.

141. Your intestines will rise and boil.

142. Your eyes will burst

143. and some horrible stuff—

144. possibly your brains—

145. will start coming out through your nose.

146. Shush!

147. Shut up!

148. Quit trying to push us around!

149. Stop saying those horrible things

150. and show some manners!

151. Look at me. I've never been so angry.

152. My hands are shaking.

153. Better than your eyes bursting.

154. - Do it again. - What?

155. Make the walls bleed.

156. No.

157. Hey, man, we own you.

158. Let's see some blood.

159. I don't have to entertain you.

160. Come on, man, do it.

161. Do the blood thing.

162. C'mon! Do it! Do it! Do it!

163. Why are you trying to scare us?

164. Are you trying to keep us from getting close to you? Maybe even loving you?

165. Leave me alone.

166. Don't talk to her like that.

167. Hey listen, lady...

168. Don't call me lady.

169. My name is Marge Simpson.

170. This is my family and we're not going anywhere.

171. We're all going to have to live together

172. so you better get used to it. Please.

173. Can I have a minute to think about this?

174. Sure.

175. Hmm...

176. Life with the Simpsons.

177. What choice do I have?

178. Wow.

179. Bitchin'!

180. It chose to destroy itself

181. rather than live with us.

182. You can't help but feel a little rejected.

183. That wasn't scary at all, Bart.

184. Oh yeah? Well how about... this severed finger?

185. Eww, baby spit.

186. Well that last story was just a warm-up

187. for this macabre tale

188. which I call...

189. Homer, all these flies.

190. Not to worry.

191. I'll just turn on the trusty bug zapper.

192. Ooh, that was a big mama.

193. That should just about do it.

194. Man alive, there's nothing better

195. than a hamburger grilled to perfection...

196. Cool, man!

197. Your burgers are getting cold...

198. Holy moly.

199. Huh?

200. Greetings, Earthlings.

201. I am Kang.

202. Do not be frightened.

203. We mean you no harm.

204. You speak English.

205. I am actually speaking Rigellian.

206. By an astonishing coincidence

207. both of our languages are exactly the same.

208. Well what are you gonna do with us, man?

209. Kodos and I are taking you to Rigel Four—

210. a world of infinite delights to tantalize your senses

211. and challenge your intellectual limitations.

212. Look, I know that to you

213. we Simpsons are a lower order of life.

214. We face that prejudice every day of our lives,

215. but we are happy on our little planet.

216. We throw ourselves on your mercy. Please return us to...

217. Dinnertime.

218. Hey, get a load of that spread.

219. Here you go, Earthlings. Take all you want, but eat all you take.

220. Thank you very much, mister..?

221. To pronounce it correctly

222. I would have to pull out your tongue.

223. Eww.

224. Fried shrimp.

225. Sloppy Joes.

226. Smothered pork chops.

227. Look Homer, radish rosettes.

228. These are hard to make.

229. They're a very advanced race.

230. Come, Earthlings, eat.

231. Grow large with food.

232. There's something not quite right about this.

233. The girl's right.

234. Let's get some apple sauce out here for these pork chops.

235. What are you looking at, buddy?

236. Your wife is quite a dish.

237. Ooh, thanks.

238. It is our great pleasure to provide you

239. with unlimited entertainment on your intergalactic journey.

240. On this cable system we receive over one million

241. channels from the furthest reaches of the galaxy.

242. You get H.B.O.?

243. No. That would cost extra.

244. Here is our crowning achievement

245. in amusement technology— an electronic version

246. of what you call table tennis.

247. Your paddles have been replaced by an electronic...

248. That's just Pong.

249. Get with the times, man.

250. Marge and I played that old game before we were married.

251. We did build this spaceship, you know.

252. Anyone from a species

253. that has mastered intergalactic travel

254. raise your hand.

255. All right, then.

256. Sorry.

257. Your game is very nice.

258. Dinnertime.

259. Hey, how come we never see you guys eat?

260. Oh, we wouldn't want to spoil our appetite

261. for the great feast when we land on Rigel Four.

262. Ooh, a feast!

263. Will we be invited?

264. Oh, you'll be at the feast.

265. I have a feeling you'll be the guests of honor.

266. Tell us more about this feast.

267. No, no, eat now.

268. When we arrive

269. there will be plenty of time

270. to chew the fat.

271. Very good, Earth boy.

272. Excellent, Mr. Simpson.

273. Excellent.

274. This will give the humans the perfect flavor.

275. Stop! Don't you see

276. what's happening here?

277. They're fattening us up so they can eat us!

278. Oh, come on, Lisa.

279. If you don't believe me, then just look at this book that I found.

280. Look! She's right!

281. Humans, you have stopped eating.

282. Listen, you big, stupid space creature.

283. Nobody, but nobody eats the Simpsons.

284. I beg your pardon?

285. Don't play dumb with me.

286. We found your book.

287. You mean this?

288. It's a harmless cookbook.

289. It's just a little dusty.

290. Wait a minute.

291. Aha!

292. Wait.

293. There's still more space dust on here.

294. Let me get this straight.

295. You thought...

296. They thought we were going to eat them.

297. Good God, is this some kind of joke?

298. No. They're serious.

299. Well why were you trying to make us eat all the time?

300. Make you eat?

301. We merely provided a sumptuous banquet

302. and, frankly, you people made pigs of yourselves.

303. I slaved in the kitchen for days

304. for you people and...

305. Well, if you wanted to make Shiroc the Preparer cry

306. mission accomplished.

307. You aren't the only beings who have emotions, you know.

308. We offered you paradise.

309. You would have experienced emotions

310. 100 times greater than what you call love

311. and 1000 times greater than what you call fun.

312. You would have been treated like gods

313. and lived forever in beauty

314. but, now, because of your distrustful nature

315. that can never be.

316. For a superior race, they really rub it in.

317. There were monsters on that ship

318. and truly we were them.

319. Lisa, see what we mean when we say 'you're too smart for your own good?'

320. Way to go, Lise.

321. Yeah, thanks, Lisa.

322. Hello.

323. Something scary happening.

324. Hey, poindexter, it's Halloween.

325. Put the book away.

326. For your information

327. I'm about to read you a classic tale of terror

328. by Edgar Allan Poe.

329. Wait a minute.

330. That's a school book.

331. Don't worry, Bart, you won't learn anything.

332. It's called "The Raven".

333. "Once upon a midnight dreary

334. "While I pondered, weak and weary

335. "over many a quaint and curious volume

336. "of forgotten lore—

337. "while I nodded, nearly napping

338. "suddenly there came a tapping

339. as of some one gently rapping

340. rapping at my chamber door.

341. 'Tis some visitor..."

342. I muttered,

343. "... tapping at my chamber door;

344. Only this, and nothing more."

345. Are we scared yet?

346. Bart, he's establishing mood.

347. "Ah, distinctly I remember

348. "it was in the bleak December

349. "and each separate dying ember

350. "wrought its ghost upon the floor.

351. "Eagerly I wished the morrow;

352. "vainly I had sought to borrow

353. from my books surcease of sorrow—"

354. Huh?

355. Sorrow for the lost Lenore—"

356. Oh, Lenore.

357. "For the rare and radiant maiden

358. "whom the angels named Lenore—

359. nameless here forevermore."

360. Ah!

361. "And the silken, sad

362. "uncertain rustling

363. "of each purple curtain thrilled me—

364. "Filled me with fantastic terrors

365. "never felt before;

366. "so that now, to still the beating of my heart

367. "I stood repeating

368. 'tis a visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;

369. This is it, and nothing more.

370. "Presently my soul grew stronger;

371. "hesitating then no longer

372. Sir..

373. "Said I

374. or madam

375. truly your forgiveness I implore;

376. but the fact is, I was napping

377. and so gently you came rapping and so faintly you came tapping

378. tapping at my chamber door.

379. That I scarce was sure I heard you.

380. "Here I opened wide the door;"

381. This better be good.

382. "Darkness there, and nothing more."

383. Huh?

384. You know what would have been scarier than nothing?

385. What?

386. Anything!

387. "Back into the chamber turning

388. "all my soul within me burning

389. "Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before:

390. Surely

391. " said I

392. surely that is something

393. at my window-lattice;

394. Let me see then, what thereat is

395. and this mystery explore.

396. "Open here I flung the shutter

397. "When, with many a flirt and flutter

398. "in there stepped a stately raven

399. "of the saintly days of yore.

400. "Not the least obeisance made he;

401. "Not a minute stopped or stayed he

402. "but with mien of lord or lady perched above my chamber door—

403. "Perched upon a bust of pallas just above my chamber door—

404. "perched, and sat, and nothing more.

405. Though thy crest

406. be shorn and shaven, thou

407. "I said

408. art sure no craven;

409. ghastly, grim and ancient raven

410. wandering from the nightly shore

411. Tell me

412. tell me what thy lordly name is

413. on the night's Plutonian shore.

414. Quoth the raven..."

415. Eat my shorts.

416. Bart, stop it.

417. He says "Nevermore"

418. and that's all he'll ever say.

419. Okay, okay.

420. Ooh.

421. Hmm.

422. "Then methought the air grew denser

423. "perfumed by some unseen censer...

424. D-oh! Stupid censer.

425. "... swung by seraphim

426. "whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.

427. Wretch.

428. "I cried

429. thy God hath lent thee—

430. By these angels he hath sent thee

431. respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!

432. Quaff, o, quaff this kind nepenthe

433. and forget this lost Lenore!

434. "Quoth the raven

435. Nevermore!

436. Doh!

437. Be that word our sign of parting

438. Bird or fiend!

439. "I shrieked, upstarting—

440. Get thee back into the tempest

441. and the night's Plutonian shore!

442. Leave no black plume as a token of the lie

443. thy soul hath spoken!

444. Leave my loneliness unbroken!

445. Quit the bust above my door!

446. Take thy beak from out my heart

447. and take thy form from off my door!

448. "Quoth the raven"

449. Nevermore!

450. Take thy beak from out my heart

451. and take thy form from off my door.

452. "Quoth the raven

453. Nevermore!

454. Why you little...

455. Uh-oh!

456. No!

457. Come back here, you little raven!

458. Dooh!

459. Eeyyaghh!

460. Get out!

461. Get out of my..!

462. D-oh!

463. Ugh!

464. D-oh! It missed.

465. ( echoing: ) Nevermore... nevermore... nevermore... nevermore...

466. Arrghh!

467. Eeyough!

468. I got him!

469. Got him..!

470. Yarrugh!

471. Ow!

472. Doh!

473. "And the raven

474. "never flitting

475. "still is sitting

476. "still is sitting on the pallid bust of pallas

477. "just above my chamber door;

478. "And his eyes have all the seeming

479. "of a demon's that is dreaming

480. "And the lamplight o'er him streaming

481. "throws his shadow on the floor;

482. "And my soul from out that shadow

483. "that lies floating on the floor

484. "Shall be lifted—

485. nevermore!"

486. Heh, heh, heh.

487. Lisa, that wasn't scary.

488. Not even for a poem.

489. Well it was written in 1845.

490. Maybe people were easier to scare back then.

491. Oh yeah. Like when you look at Friday the 13th, Part One.

492. It's pretty tame by today's standards.

493. Children, bedtime!

494. I'll guess I'll have no trouble getting to sleep tonight.

495. Oh, no, Marge!

496. Come on, please.

497. Homer, I'm not sleeping with the lights on.

498. They're just children's stories.

499. They can't hurt you.

500. Heh, heh, heh!

501. Oh...

502. Oh, I hate Halloween.

503. Shh!