The Simpsons 2x21

Directed by Wesley M. Archer • Wes Archer

Cloris Leachman as Mrs. Glick (voice) • Daniel Stern as Narrator (voice) • Patty Maloney as (voice) • Frank Welker as (voice) • Russi Taylor as Martin Prince (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Van Houten / Jimbo Jones (voice)

Bart, Milhouse, and Martin pool their money to buy the new first issue of Radioactive Man, but their investment and their friendship are threatened when they can't agree on who will keep it.

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1. D-ohhh!

2. Aaahh!

3. y, Mom.

4. If we don't get to the convention soon,

5. all the good comics will be gone.

6. Aw, what do you care about good comics?

7. All you ever buy is Casper "The Wimpy" Ghost.

8. I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness,

9. and I hope it will keep you from ever achieving true popularity.

10. Well you wanna know what I think?

11. I think Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich.

12. Hey, they do look alike.

13. I wonder how Richie died?

14. Perhaps he realized

15. how hollow the pursuit of money is,

16. and took his own life.

17. Kids, could you lighten up a little?

18. Now Radioactive Man, he rules!

19. Never punches a bad guy without saying something cool.

20. He's no wittier than the next superhero.

21. Oh yeah? Look. He knocks a guy into the sun and says

22. "Hot enough for you?"

23. Heh, heh, heh...

24. I stand corrected.

25. We're here.

26. Too bad we didn't come dressed

27. as popular cartoon characters.

28. This looks like a discount for...

29. Hey!

30. Bartman!

31. Who are you supposed to be?

32. I'm Bartman.

33. Never heard of him— full price.

34. Lousy rip-off.

35. Is this on?

36. Young people of Springfield, as your mayor

37. I'd like to welcome you to our annual funny book convention.

38. And thank you for pumping almost $300 into the local economy.

39. Your youthful high spirits have imparted a glow

40. to this old war-horse.

41. You might say I feel like

42. Radiation Man.

43. That's "Radioactive Man," jerk.

44. I, uh... stand corrected.

45. Well, have fun and be sure to clear out by 6:00 for the Shriners.

46. Get that punk's name.

47. No one makes a fool out of Diamond Joe Quimby.

48. Excuse me, sir.

49. Has anyone turned in a left Vulcan ear?

50. Well, let's see.

51. We got a utility belt, a couple of tricorders

52. a light sabre...

53. Sorry, kid.

54. Hmm-mm, hmm-mm, hmm-mm.

55. Nhh-mm.

56. Hey, Bart dude.

57. Hey, Otto man.

58. Ooh, what's that?

59. My very own idea for a comic book, little man.

60. It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day

61. but by night, fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone.

62. Cool!

63. Come on, Bart.

64. We're going to see Buddy Hodges.

65. The guy who played Fallout Boy on TV? Yep!

66. Wow! I guess he wasn't killed in Vietnam.

67. Ahh, these Laramie cigarettes

68. give me the steady nerves I need to combat evil.

69. Gee willickers, Radioactive Man.

70. Wished I was old enough to smoke Laramies.

71. Sorry, Fallout Boy.

72. Not until you're 16.

73. Look out!

74. Will Radioactive Man

75. act in time to save the Earth?

76. Well, wasn't that great?

77. You know kids, I'm sure we'd all like to remember actor Dirk Richter

78. for his portrayal of Radioactive Man

79. and not the sordid details of his final years

80. so let's keep the questions tasteful, okay?

81. Now, how about a big welcome for Buddy "Fallout Boy" Hodges!

82. Any questions?

83. When Radioactive Man got injected with shrinking serum in issue 234,

84. how come his costume shrinks too?

85. I'm sure I don't know

86. but I did just finish playing Rum Tum Tugger

87. in the second national touring company of Cats. Anybody see it?

88. Oh, oh, over here, Fallout Boy! Me, me me!

89. Yes, you. The masked boy.

90. Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter haunts the bordello

91. where his bullet-riddled body was found?

92. ( crying: ) Dirk Richter was a beautiful man.

93. Can't you little vultures leave him alone?

94. Hey! Radioactive Man #72!

95. It's an imaginary tale

96. where Radioactive Man marries Larva Girl.

97. Wow, number nine!

98. That's before Fallout Boy became his ward.

99. Tell you what.

100. I'll show you something very special

101. if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there.

102. Behold!

103. Wow! Radioactive Man Number One.

104. None other.

105. I bet it's worth a million bucks.

106. It is, my lad.

107. But I'll let you have it for 100 because you remind me of me.

108. Oh, all I got is 30.

109. Then you cannot have it.

110. But I must.

111. Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this Earth

112. but now I know— to buy that comic book.

113. Your emotion is out of place here, son.

114. So, did you kids have fun?

115. Yeah Mom. Guess what? For a dollar, a man sold me 35 Caspers

116. and a dozen Lois Lanes.

117. Ooh. I never knew what Superman saw in her.

118. Give me Wonder Woman!

119. And that golden lariat— she can tie me up anytime.

120. Homer!

121. I was just kidding, Marge.

122. Hey! What does everyone say to dinner at Krusty Burgers?

123. ( cheering ) My treat.

124. Alright Homer! Woah, you really are a sport, Dad

125. taking us out to a fine restaurant

126. like Krusty Burger.

127. Alright, what are you getting at?

128. I need $100 for a comic book.

129. 100 bucks? For a comic book? Who drew it, Michael Malangelo?

130. Oh please Dad. I want this more than anything in the world.

131. Well, T.S.

132. Please, Dad... No. Please, Dad... No.

133. Please, Dad... No... No... Please, Dad...

134. Please, Dad... No... no! Please, Dad...

135. No! Now look, son.

136. We all know that usually when you bug me like this, I give in

137. so I'm not mad at you for trying—

138. shows you've been paying attention—

139. but we all know I'm not gonna give you $100.

140. Now are you going to stop bugging me?

141. No... no... Are you? are you?

142. Are you? are you? No... no...

143. No... no... Are you? are you?

144. Okay!

145. Hee-hee! I win!

146. In your face!

147. Yeah! How do you like them apples?

148. Hoo-hoo!

149. Don't gloat, Homer.

150. You know Bart, when I was your age

151. the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world,

152. was a child-size, electric-light bulb oven.

153. My parents wouldn't give me the money

154. so I went to my sisters, Patty and Selma.

155. We'll give you half our allowance.

156. Uh-huh, but you have to be our slave.

157. Okay.

158. This gives us a lot more free time. Uh-huh!

159. Let's take up smoking.

160. For months I worked and worked

161. while my sisters smoked and smoked.

162. We want those dress shields hand-washed

163. and drip dried.

164. But the big day finally came

165. and because I'd worked for it

166. all those lightbulb-warmed treats always tasted extra good.

167. So maybe a part-time job is the answer.

168. Oh Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that.

169. You already take care of Maggie, and Lisa is such a handful.

170. She means you should get a job, stupid.

171. Me?

172. The Wonder Years narrator: Get a job? Were they serious?

173. I didn't realize it at the time,

174. but a little piece of my childhood

175. had slipped away... forever.

176. Bart! What are you staring at?

177. Uh... nothing.

178. He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment

179. my Dad and I were closer than we've ever—

180. Bart! Stop it.

181. Sorry.

182. Ah!

183. Empty bottles... empty bottles.

184. Well, it's practically empty.

185. Here you go, Apu.

186. Very good. Would you like the deposit

187. defrayed from the cost of a jumbo cherry squishy?

188. No, not today. I need the dime.

189. It is good to see you are learning a trade.

190. Ching, ching, ching!

191. Aha!

192. Americanize this, my good man.

193. Okey-dokey.

194. All those coins were only worth three lousy cents?

195. Let the good times roll.

196. This is so humiliating.

197. I feel like such a geek.

198. How's it going, Bart?

199. Terrible.

200. Cars slow down to laugh at me

201. but no one's buying.

202. Maybe you need to play

203. on their sympathies more. Let's see...

204. Ha, now you look pathetic.

205. Ha-ha!

206. Aw, lemonade sucks!

207. I need a new product.

208. Let's see... ah!

209. Form a line. No crowding.

210. Cheap beer and a sympathetic ear. Step right up.

211. Hey Bart, can you give me one on credit? I'm a little short this week.

212. Beat it.

213. Hey, you got a liquor license here, young fella?

214. Uh... my dog ate it.

215. Got to have a license to sell beer.

216. Writing all those tickets must make you guys thirsty.

217. How about a couple

218. on the house?

219. Seeing how it's a first offense...

220. I guess we can overlook this.

221. So long, officers.

222. Uh-oh.

223. Hey, what's all the..?

224. My beer! My beer!

225. My beautiful beer!

226. The poor boy is so desperate.

227. He wants to earn money to buy a comic book.

228. A comic book?

229. Oh, my. Boys never change.

230. Which one is it, Nazi Smasher?

231. I don't think so.

232. Send him over to my house.

233. I got a few chores he can do.

234. He knows how to mix whitewash, don't he?

235. Mrs. Glick?

236. You must be Bert Simpson.

237. You look like you got a strong, young back.

238. Would you like something to eat?

239. I got dried apricots, almond paste

240. sauerkraut candy.

241. No, thanks.

242. Who's that?

243. Oh, that's my brother Esa.

244. He was killed in the great war.

245. Held a grenade too long.

246. This one's for you, Kaiser Bill.

247. Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the boys in "D" company—

248. Yeah, Johnny, Harrison, Brooklyn Bob and Reggie.

249. Yeah, even Reggie.

250. He ain't so stuck up once you get to..

251. Here, have some ribbon candy.

252. Boys love candy.

253. No, thanks.

254. Boys love candy!

255. Eww!

256. I think I'd rather just get to work, ma'am.

257. We'll start with a little light yard work,

258. and when you're done, you can have a nice barley pop.

259. I want you to clear out all the weeds.

260. You do know which ones are weeds?

261. All of them?

262. Good boy.

263. Now be careful with these.

264. I'll be inside watching my stories.

265. Ow!

266. Ow! Ooh!

267. Jack, please.

268. I'm married.

269. That must be what's turning me on.

270. Oh, stop it... some more.

271. Filthy...

272. but genuinely arousing.

273. Finished.

274. Merciful heavens!

275. You're bleeding.

276. I'll get the iodine.

277. ( mumbling: ) Now, let's see...

278. bunion pad... liver...

279. iodine.

280. Now don't fidget.

281. Listen, lady, you don't have...

282. Mrs. They never improved on iodine.

283. Hi, Mom.

284. Did you make any money?

285. Not yet, but at least I'm in a lot of pain.

286. Well, I think what you're doing for Mrs. Glick is very nice.

287. Poor old thing doesn't have anybody.

288. There's a reason.

289. The sludge certainly collects

290. around those downspouts, don't it?

291. I'll sludge you, you old bat.

292. Today, we wash Beulah.

293. You know what that is?

294. Some old lady thing nobody's heard about for fifty years?

295. No.

296. It was my wedding dress.

297. But then I dyed it black

298. and it became my mourning dress.

299. Great story, lady.

300. Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms.

301. No, no, not the iodine!

302. Burn the germs off with a torch

303. amputate my arm, but not the...

304. Well, it's payday.

305. I'll wager you've been looking forward to this.

306. Oh, yes, ma'am.

307. Here we are— two quarters.

308. Two quarters?

309. You deserve every penny.

310. You know, I've told a lot of my girlfriends about you

311. and they have chores too.

312. Two quarters?

313. Bart, you didn't say thank you.

314. Listen lady, I can leave without screaming,

315. and I can leave without saying a bad word.

316. But there is no way that I am saying thank you.

317. You're welcome.

318. All right then, off you go

319. to spend it on penny whistles and Moon Pies.

320. Moon Pies, my butt.

321. Somebody ought to Moon-Pie her.

322. What's the problem, boy?

323. I been bustin' my hump all week for that withered old clam

324. and all I got was 50¢.

325. Hey, when I was your age, 50¢ was a lot of money.

326. Really?

327. Nah.

328. Dad, I've done everything I could

329. and I've only got 35 bucks.

330. I am through with working.

331. Working is for chumps.

332. Son, I'm proud of you.

333. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

334. Can you let me have it for $40?

335. 40 bucks? Forget it. You made me get off my stool for that?

336. It's all I've got.

337. I sold seeds.

338. I visited my aunt in the nursing home.

339. I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake!

340. No way.

341. What do you want?

342. Can I have it for 35?

343. No! No. Freaking kid. I do not need this.

344. I've got a Masters in Folklore and Mythology.

345. Do you have the Carl Yastrzemski baseball card from 1973,

346. when he had big sideburns?

347. Show me the 30 bucks

348. because if you ain't got it, I ain't getting off the stool.

349. Okay.

350. Wait a minute.

351. Martin, if you, Milhouse and I went in together

352. we could buy a copy of Radioactive Man #1 right now.

353. Wow! Wow!

354. Here you go. Muttonchop Yaz. I don't want it.

355. Freaking kids.

356. Look pal, we got 100 bucks

357. and we'd like to buy Radioactive Man #1.

358. So why don't you just waddle over there

359. and get it!

360. Yes, sir!

361. Wow!

362. Breathe it in, boys.

363. This is the stuff dreams are made of.

364. It smells like my Grampa.

365. Uh-oh, looks like rain.

366. We better get this baby home.

367. Uh-oh.

368. Looks like you bought more than you bargained for.

369. My pants... caught on barbed wire!

370. Good Lord! Choke! An A-bomb!

371. Yaarrgh!

372. becoming Radioactive.

373. ( deep, powerful voice:) From this day forward I shall call myself...

374. Radioactive Man!

375. So that's how it happened.

376. I would have thought being hit by an atomic bomb would've killed him.

377. Now you know better.

378. Turn the page, Bart.

379. Careful, careful... ah.

380. Listen, you guys are welcome to come over

381. and read it any time you like.

382. Why can't we keep it at my house?

383. Your house? That's crazy talk.

384. Well the comics' ours as much as it is yours.

385. How about this, guys?

386. Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays

387. Milhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays

388. and yours truly will take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.

389. Perfect.

390. Wait a minute.

391. What about Sunday?

392. Yeah. What about Sunday?

393. Sunday possession will be determined by a random number generator.

394. I'll have one through three, Milhouse, four through six

395. and Bart will have seven through nine. Perfect.

396. Wait a minute.

397. What about zero?

398. Yeah. What about zero?

399. In the unlikely event of a zero, possession will be determined

400. by rock, scissors, paper competition. Best three out of five, how's that?

401. All right. That's cool.

402. Excellent.

403. Well, today being Saturday, gentlemen, I guess I'll be taking my comic and...

404. Uh-uh-uh.

405. Nice try, Martin.

406. It almost worked

407. but tonight this comic book stays right here.

408. If the comic stays right here, then so do I.

409. Me too.

410. Fine. We're all going to stay here with the comic book.

411. It will be like a sleep-over.

412. Yeah, a sleep-over.

413. That's what pals do, right?

414. Real friendly-like.

415. I want to read it again.

416. Nice try, mister.

417. Milhouse, The acids in your hand

418. could damage the newsprint.

419. We want to keep this comic forever

420. so the last one alive

421. will have the honor of being buried with it.

422. What do you mean, "The last one alive"?

423. I meant years from now.

424. Yeah, sure you did.

425. Bart, don't push him.

426. I knew it— you're both against me.

427. Nobody makes a sap out of Bartholomew J. Simpson.

428. Quit it! You quit it.

429. No, you quit it.

430. I thought you boys

431. might like some milk and microwave s'mores.

432. ( gasping: ) Thank you, Mrs. Simpson.

433. Thanks, Mom.

434. Sweet dreams, boys.

435. One more step and you're a dead man.

436. I have to go to the bathroom.

437. Yeah right, so do I, but you don't see me getting up.

438. What's going on?

439. Our dear friend Martin was trying to steal the comic book.

440. Let's tie him up!

441. Bart, is this how you treat all your guests?

442. Quiet, Piggy, or we'll stick an apple in your mouth.

443. We can't take any chances. We'll have to take turns watching him.

444. Okay. I'll go first.

445. Ah! So that's your little game.

446. Let old Bart get nice and drowsy

447. then when his back is turned, wham!

448. Well, it will not happen, see?

449. You're going crazy.

450. I'm telling your Mom.

451. Hey Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.

452. I don't know. Is it worse than

453. what you do with people who have to go to the bathroom?

454. You can't stop me.

455. The hell I can't.

456. It's really coming down.

457. Could you check on the boys?

458. They're fine.

459. Whoa! Yeow!

460. Bart! The comic!

461. Don't let go of me, Bart!

462. Milhouse, it's not that far to the ground.

463. The rain's probably softened it up a bit.

464. No, Bart, no!

465. If you guys hadn't tied me up

466. I could be saving the comic as we speak.

467. Shut up... shut up!

468. Help me, Bart.

469. I didn't even want the comic.

470. I wanted Carl Yastrzemski with the big sideburns.

471. Boys, you better come in the house.

472. You don't want to get the sniffles.

473. Oh, Mom.

474. Now come on.

475. Hmm. You can play your little tie-up game inside.

476. I've got some cocoa on the stove.

477. Who wants imitation marshmallows?

478. I do! I do!

479. I'd raise my hand, Mrs. Simpson, if I could.

480. D-ohhh!

481. It's no use, fellas.

482. Another comic book

483. has returned to the Earth from whence it came.

484. We worked so hard and now it's all gone.

485. We ended up with nothing

486. because the three of us can't share.

487. What's your point?

488. Nothing. Just kind of ticks me off.

489. Radioactive Man: Well, the world is safe again

490. but... for how long?