The Simpsons 2x20

1. D-ohhh!

2. Ahhh!

3. Mmm. "hors do-vers."

4. Homer!

5. You promised.

6. I promised I wouldn't eat?

7. Never. You lie.

8. Homer, please. We've never thrown a party.

9. Now we're gonna pay back all the friends

10. who have invited us to their homes.

11. Never thrown a party?

12. What about that big bash we had

13. with all the champagne, musicians and holy men and everything?

14. - That was our wedding. - Oh.

15. Children, it's time for you to go to bed.

16. Mom, I want to hear the witty banter of sophisticated adults.

17. Yeah, you can't have any fun in bed.

18. Son, when you're older, you'll know better.

19. Mmm.

20. Oh, baby.

21. Mmm.

22. Yeah.

23. - ( doorbell rings ) - Oh, they're here!

24. How does everything look?

25. How do I look?

26. - Do we have enough glasses? - Do we have enough gag ice cubes?

27. Homer, put a record on!

28. What are our friends' names, again?

29. Children, go!

30. Hi, Homer. Please come in.

31. You look lovely tonight. Aw Marge, you're looking swell.

32. And the house—

33. you've done... whatever.

34. Hey, anybody mind if I serve as bartender?

35. I have a Ph.D. in Mixology.

36. ( disdainfully: ) College boy.

37. Hey, Homer, care to try

38. some of my Flanders Planter's Punch?

39. Why not? I paid for it.

40. Flanders, Next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it?

41. Au contraire, Simpson.

42. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon

43. and a little dab-a-roo of Crème de Cassis for flavor.

44. Really? I do have a warm sense of well-being

45. and I seem to be slurring my speech.

46. You're right. Give me another.

47. Go easy on the alc-e-hol.

48. Remember last year, at the Winfield's party

49. when you threw up in the laundry hamper?

50. No. ( groans )

51. Hey, you're Homer's sister-in-law, right?

52. I remember you.

53. I don't remember you being so beaut- ( belches ) - iful...

54. Ow! Hey..!

55. Is that a new kind of mace? Really painful.

56. Oh, Dr. Hibbert.

57. Enjoying the party?

58. Uh, no, not really.

59. Someone seems to have slipped one of those novelty ice cubes

60. with a fake fly

61. in my drink.

62. ( laughing ) It was me.

63. You fell for it.

64. These novelty ice cubes are often made

65. from highly toxic chemicals.

66. Ironically, a real fly would have been much more sanitary.

67. You should see the look on your face. It's priceless.

68. Hmm.

69. Bart! Come over here.

70. What? You little monkey.

71. You're a little monkey, aren't you?

72. Yes, sir.

73. Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute.

74. What?

75. That thing you know how to do.

76. What?

77. Go to bed.

78. Hey, everybody!

79. Whoa.

80. Look!

81. I'm the funniest guy in the world!

82. Whoa.

83. Homer, you're the king.

84. Hmm..

85. ( slurring: ) I have been wanting to tell you off for years

86. but I never had the nerve.

87. I don't know you.

88. My wife and your wife are friends.

89. We just met just three hours ago.

90. You stink!

91. You and your whole lousy operation stinks.

92. I quit!

93. Gee, don't quit.

94. All right then.

95. Could you...

96. give me a...

97. handful of peanuts...

98. Maude?

99. Oh, sure.

100. Not those peanuts.

101. The ones at the bottom.

102. Oh, okay.

103. Ah...

104. Hey, thanks for inviting me.

105. I had a wonderful time.

106. I must apologize for my husband.

107. If you want him to live through the night

108. I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

109. Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibbert.

110. Thanks for coming.

111. Remember, I said if.

112. I have never been so embarrassed

113. in my life.

114. Why?

115. What did you do?

116. Ooh. Ow.

117. Ooh.

118. Marge..! Huh? ( cat shrieks )

119. Come here.

120. Where are we going?

121. Shh!

122. I want to make sure the kids don't hear.

123. When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting.

124. They're fighting in the car again.

125. That music always sends a chill down my spine.

126. Homer, do you remember the way you acted at the party last night?

127. The way I acted?

128. so I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes

129. and into a dry martini." ( group chuckles )

130. Well-said, indeed.

131. Good Lord, there's a fly in my drink.

132. I put it there. You did?

133. I slipped it into your glass as a gag.

134. Pure hilarity.

135. Pure Homer.

136. I pronounce it to be

137. the most whimsical joke of the season.

138. Homer?

139. I like to think

140. I'm a patient, tolerant woman

141. and that there was no line you could cross

142. that could make me stop loving you.

143. But last night you didn't just cross that line

144. you threw up on it!

145. I'm sorry, honey.

146. Can't we just forget it, and go to church?

147. I'm going to church alone today.

148. You're going to stay here and explain to Bart

149. why you scarred him for life.

150. No, I didn't!

151. I... oh, you mean inside, don't you?

152. About last night—

153. you might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange,

154. and you probably don't understand why.

155. I understand why. You were wasted.

156. I admit it. I didn't know when to say when.

157. I'm sorry it happened.

158. I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.

159. Dad, I respect you as much as I ever did or ever will. Aw..

160. Now, before I give you all a sneak preview of next week's sermon,

161. I have some announcements to make.

162. We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack

163. including Bible Bafflers, Satan's Boners

164. Good Grief, More Satan's Boners

165. and for the teens, It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell.

166. Marge? Marge?

167. I'm sorry, the Lord and I can't compete

168. with the squeaking of Homer Simpson's shoes.

169. Why don't we just put everything on hold until he takes a seat.

170. Sorry, Reverend.

171. Sit down, Homer.

172. Mrs. Lovejoy and myself will be holding

173. our third annual marriage retreat next weekend at Catfish Lake.

174. It's psychological counseling

175. for couples whose marriages are hanging by a thread

176. or those just in need of a tune-up. Hmm?

177. Now, if you wish to participate, please sign up in the lobby

178. after the service is over.

179. Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat?

180. Oh, well, it's very tempting.

181. Really a wonderful idea.

182. Marge!

183. What are you doing?

184. Are you insane?

185. No! Give it to..!

186. We'll be there. D-oh!

187. Marriage encounter weekend, here I come.

188. Now you want to go?1

189. They're holding it at Catfish Lake.

190. They couldn't call it Catfish Lake

191. if it didn't have a catfish in it.

192. We're going to this retreat to give our marriage a tune-up and that's all.

193. No fishing. Oh!

194. That must be the baby-sitter.

195. Hello. I'm Mrs. Simpson.

196. Simpson...

197. Simpson...

198. Come back for more, eh?

199. Hey! What?

200. Oh my! Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice?

201. Oh dear, if we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go.

202. What a kick in the teeth.

203. What do you need a baby-sitter for?

204. I'm almost 10 and a half.

205. Mom, you wouldn't dare.

206. Don't take that tone with me young lady,

207. or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand.

208. No you don't!

209. Grandpa?

210. Hey! Yow! What?

211. Grandpa, could you do something?

212. I can dress myself.

213. Oh. Well I was wondering

214. Do you think you could baby-sit the kids this weekend?

215. I wouldn't ask, except I'm desperate.

216. Oh, sure.

217. Last resort— old Grampa, the feeb—

218. the guy who can't be counted on for nothing, nohow, dag-nab it.

219. Everyone's against me.

220. I'll do it.

221. Marge, just putting a few last things in the trunk.

222. Now, if Maggie runs a fever, call this number.

223. If she sticks her finger in an electrical socket

224. call this number.

225. And if she drinks pine cleanser, call this.

226. Just give the list! I can read.

227. Alright, alright.

228. Good-bye, children, and behave yourselves.

229. Mwah

230. Call this number if Grampa falls in the bathtub.

231. I heard that.

232. Bye.

233. Grandpa

234. Mom was in such a hurry, she forget to give you this.

235. It's a list of things Lisa and I can and can't do.

236. Uh-huh... uh-huh...

237. You're allowed to smoke cigars?

238. Hmm... bait.

239. Uh-oh.

240. Better get some gas.

241. Fill 'er up.

242. I guess I'll go and stretch my legs.

243. Where are you headed?

244. Catfish Lake.

245. Oh, after General Sherman, are you?

246. Wait a minute. Who's General Sherman?

247. He's only the biggest catfish in these parts. Oh yeah?

248. They say he weighs upwards of 500 pounds.

249. Who says that?

250. They do.

251. Oh.

252. That's the only known picture of the general.

253. Can't see what he is, exactly.

254. He's freakishly big, though.

255. Hmm...

256. Gentlemen, I am going

257. to catch General Sherman.

258. Ooh...

259. Oh, my.

260. After the supermarket

261. we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty Burger

262. and head for the arcade.

263. Grandpa's a kindly old man who trusts us.

264. Are you sure it's right to take advantage of him?

265. Lise, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times

266. who's to say what's right or wrong?

267. But right now, my gut's telling me "bleed Gramps dry."

268. Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson

269. Welcome.

270. Reverend, we're glad we could come.

271. Hello, Helen.

272. Hello, Marge.

273. Why, Homer Simpson.

274. Here to give your marriage a little spit shine?

275. None of your business, Flanders.

276. Say, Reverend, are we gonna get a chance to do any fishing?

277. Oh, I'm afraid not.

278. A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer.

279. It takes a whole weekend to do that.

280. We must bait our hooks with honesty

281. that way, a happy marriage won't be the one that got away.

282. I see.

283. I also understand bowling expressions.

284. Three couples— our best turnout yet.

285. Why don't we go around the room

286. and everyone can introduce themselves

287. and tell us a little bit about why they're here.

288. John, Gloria?

289. My name's Gloria.

290. I'm here because Johnny-boy

291. hasn't been able to cut it man-wise for some time.

292. Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat

293. pressed against me.

294. That's enough, Gloria!

295. Thank you, Gloria.

296. John, why don't you tell us a little about why you're here.

297. She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house

298. and she talks profanely.

299. She's the queen of the harpies.

300. No, I'm not.

301. Here's your crown, your majesty!

302. - Queen of the harpies! - Get away from me, you swine!

303. You've come to the right place.

304. First, I want you to look into each other's eyes.

305. Your eyes— I've forgotten how beautiful they are.

306. Let's never fight again.

307. We were fools to argue.

308. Let's not talk about that.

309. Let's not talk at all!

310. Remember my saving your lives and bringing you happiness

311. when we pass the collection plate next week.

312. All right, Ned, Maude, what brings you here?

313. Well...

314. Go on, Neddy.

315. Sometimes Maude— God bless her—

316. she underlines passages in my Bible

317. because she can't find hers.

318. Oh, lucky you don't keep guns in the house.

319. Homer, why are you here?

320. Because I got drunk and looked down her dress.

321. No, no, Homer. Marge is going to tell us all your faults.

322. Why don't you tell us about hers.

323. Oh, she's perfect.

324. Come on, Homer. What are her faults?

325. Sometimes it can be annoying.

326. Oh, Homer...

327. Marge? Don't interrupt.

328. You'll get your turn.

329. I'm done.

330. Okay. Marge?

331. Well, it's not that I don't love the guy.

332. I'm always sticking up for him.

333. It's just that he's so self-centered.

334. Wait! Oh!

335. Now, Homer.

336. He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays—

337. both religious and secular.

338. He chews with his mouth open. He gambles.

339. He hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes.

340. It's true.

341. It's all true.

342. - Homer, don't interrupt. - Sorry.

343. He blows his nose on the towels

344. and puts them back in the middle.

345. I only did that a couple of times.

346. Half a gallon of chocolate.

347. Check.

348. Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge.

349. Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chip.

350. Did your mom really write that shopping list?

351. Grampa, what a question.

352. What's next, Lise?

353. Sprinkles and syrups.

354. Hey Grampa, aisle six, and step on it.

355. All right, but put out the cigar.

356. He drinks out of the carton.

357. He never changes the baby.

358. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises

359. and when he wakes up, he makes honking noises.

360. Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys.

361. I guess that's it.

362. Oh, no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep

363. and his toenails are too long and yellow.

364. That's all I can think of right now.

365. I guess you're all tired.

366. I want to thank you for letting me get some things off my chest.

367. Well, we've missed the luau.

368. What's say we call it a night.

369. McBain ( on TV ): But, Captain

370. I can't avenge my partner's death

371. with this peashooter.

372. I don't want to hear it, McBain.

373. That cannon of yours is against regulations.

374. In this department, we go by the book.

375. Bye, book.

376. All right, McBain!

377. You know kids, it's getting pretty late.

378. Yeah, you should go to bed, Grampa.

379. We've had a big day.

380. You wise guy, little smart aleck...

381. It's no use kidding myself.

382. I'm having an ethical crisis.

383. Out at 5:00.

384. Catch General Sherman at 5:30.

385. Clean him at 6:00.

386. Eat him at 6:30.

387. Back in bed by 7:00 with no incriminating evidence.

388. Heh-heh-heh, The perfect crime.

389. Homer...

390. You're sneaking out to go fishing.

391. I can't believe your selfishness.

392. You can go fishing anytime

393. but we're here trying to save our marriage.

394. You're thinking about fishing

395. even when I'm talking right now, right?

396. Would this be a good time to be honest?

397. Yes.

398. You're right, I am.

399. Help me, Marge.

400. What do I do to be a good guy?

401. Get back in bed.

402. Oh, all right.

403. But I can't sleep.

404. Can I take a walk?

405. Sure.

406. Got to be a good husband.

407. Got to be a good husband.

408. I got to be a good husband.

409. Hey, kid, you forgot your...

410. Go ahead, General Sherman, foist your strength

411. you big, ugly catfish.

412. I got a skillet and a stick of butter with your name on it.

413. Homer?

414. Hmm?

415. Sugar?

416. Yes, ten please.

417. Hey Grampa, top me off.

418. Are you sure your Ma lets you kids drink coffee?

419. For the last time, yes!

420. Come on, give up.

421. Huh?

422. D-ohhh!

423. Hey Milhouse. Big blowout at casa de Simpson.

424. The only adult is frail and old.

425. Bart's joint.

426. Uh, two-ish.

427. Be there or be square.

428. Tell my friends?

429. All right, but I got some pretty funky friends.

430. All right.

431. I get out at noon

432. and I'm already invited to a party.

433. Now, this is a trust exercise.

434. You fall backwards

435. and rely on your spouse to catch you.

436. Do I have to do this?

437. No, even if your husband were here

438. I wouldn't recommend it.

439. As a marriage counselor, this is the first instance

440. where I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right.

441. It's all his fault.

442. I'm willing to put that

443. on a certificate you can frame.

444. ( blast of heavy metal music ) Ahh!

445. Okay, fish, you're probably wondering why I'm still here.

446. Catching you

447. will make me the most famous fisherman there is

448. right up there with... the, uh...

449. the bald guy on the cable fishing show.

450. Whoa!

451. Holy mackerel!

452. Milhouse, didn't see you, pal. Look out, my man.

453. Cherry party Bart. Any chicks over eight?

454. Not yet, but the afternoon is young.

455. Lisa, what's wrong?

456. Isn't it obvious? We've degraded ourselves

457. and set back the children's rights movement for decades to come.

458. You're great at a party, Lise. Really great.

459. Hey, you! Don't!

460. Shut that door!

461. Stop it!

462. Put that away!

463. No! Stop!

464. Oh!

465. Ow!

466. You young hellion.

467. You want me to take off my belt?

468. Yeah.

469. I'll show you.

470. Doggone it.

471. I love you

472. but I must kill you.

473. Thanks for coming.

474. Nice tie, Nelson.

475. Thanks. It's your dad's.

476. ( crying: ) I tried to be a good baby-sitter

477. but I failed.

478. I'm a feeb— a useless, old, worn-down...

479. Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling

480. I've never had before.

481. It's called remorse

482. you vile burlesque of irrepressible youth.

483. How do you make this feeling go away?

484. You grab a bucket and a brush

485. and you clean harder and faster than you ever have before.

486. Uh-oh.

487. Hi, honey.

488. Uh... how's the marriage retreat going?

489. We came to this retreat

490. because I thought our marriage was in trouble.

491. But I never thought for a minute that it was in this much trouble.

492. Homer, how can you expect—

493. Marge, you don't know what this fish means.

494. This fish represents a better life for both of us.

495. This fish makes me a champion and a hero.

496. To who?

497. To those weirdos

498. in the worm store.

499. All this fish represents is just how selfish you are.

500. Well if that's the way you feel, I'll throw it back.

501. Oh, yeah, sure.

502. Watch!

503. Wow, I did it.

504. I gave up fame and breakfast

505. for my marriage.

506. I fought it for six hours.

507. She says one word

508. and I toss it back.

509. And you're telling me our marriage is in trouble?

510. Come here, baby.

511. Oh, Homer.

512. Eww.

513. Eww.

514. Mmm.

515. We're back.

516. How's your marriage?

517. Same as usual— perfectomundo.

518. Oh my, the house looks wonderful.

519. Grandpa, what's your secret?

520. Pretending to cry.

521. That's right, you heard me!

522. Pretending to cry!

523. I can turn it on and off like a faucet.

524. Oh, I'm crying. I'm so sad.

525. Way to go, Grampa.

526. I'll never trust another old person.

527. I fooled you.

528. So long, suckers.

529. Yeah. General Sherman.

530. They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury.

531. No one knows how old he is

532. but if you ask me, and most people do,

533. he's a hundred years if he's a day.

534. No one's ever caught him?

535. One fella came close.

536. Went by the name of Homer.

537. Seven feet tall, he was, with arms like tree trunks

538. and his eyes were like steel: cold and hard.

539. Had a shock of hair—

540. red, like the fires of hell.