The Simpsons 2x2

Directed by Rich Moore

Harvey Fierstein as Karl (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Applicant / Milhouse Van Houten / Woman in Audience (voice) • Russi Taylor as Martin Prince / Lewis / Others (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Van Houten / Applicant / Woman in Audience (voice)

Homer uses his medical insurance to buy Dimoxinil, a miracle hair-growth formula. After growing luxurious locks, he's given a promotion which allows him to hire a secretary named Karl and makes grand promises to his family at home.

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1. Okay, the capital of North Dakota

2. is named after what German ruler?

3. Hitler!

4. Hitler, North Dakota?

5. - Bismarck. Bismarck

6. Hitler?

7. Hey, I'm still beating you, boy.

8. Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are red, white and what?

9. - Blue! - Yellow

10. Red! Purple! Green.

11. Orange! Black! Green!

12. Green.

13. I was right!

14. Okay, we'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge,

15. after this important message.

16. I used to think that losing my hair was as inevitable as the tides.

17. Then I found out about Dimoxinil

18. the new miracle breakthrough in hair regrowth.

19. (gasps) Miracle breakthrough?

20. There's been a miracle breakthrough?

21. The odds are Dimoxinil can help me grow

22. as much or as little hair as I want to.

23. Hey, today I'm going to do it.

24. For your free brochure, send five dollars to Dimoxinil

25. 485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah.

26. Hair.

27. Hair.

28. Just like everybody else.

29. You know, some women

30. find bald men quite virile.

31. Marge, weren't you listening?

32. This is a miracle breakthrough

33. not one of these cheap-o, sucker deals.

34. Allow me to present the Dimoxinil action set in its entirety.

35. A six-month supply of the drug

36. the gravity boots

37. scalp massager

38. and your t-shirt.

39. Great, great, great. How much? How much?

40. $1,000.

41. A thousand bucks?

42. I can't afford that.

43. Well, we do have a product

44. which is more in your price range.

45. However, I must assure you that any hair growth

46. you experience while using it

47. will be purely coincidental.

48. A thousand bucks...

49. Of all the rip-off

50. screw job, gyp joint...

51. Forget you, pal.

52. Thanks for nothing.

53. So I say, "Forget you, pal!

54. Thanks for nothing!"

55. and I stormed right out of there.

56. Ha! That's telling him, Homer.

57. D-oh! I'm out of tartar sauce.

58. They call this a portion?

59. Hey, Lenny, are you going to use all of your tartar sauce?

60. Dry fish sticks. This sucks.

61. Quit complaining, chrome dome.

62. If I had hair

63. you wouldn't be calling me that.

64. Homer, don't be a sap all of your life.

65. Just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively.

66. Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company.

67. But it's a thousand bucks.

68. Burns would can my butt in no time flat.

69. A thousand bucks— so what?

70. To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher.

71. Yeah. Besides, you pay into the insurance fund every week.

72. What do you ever get out of it?

73. Nothing. Well, that newsletter.

74. Exactly. Why should you get nothing

75. while some guy who loses a finger

76. hits the jackpot?

77. You got me.

78. Uh, I'd like to charge

79. that Dimoxinil stuff

80. to my health insurance.

81. Look buddy, I don't know who put you up to this

82. but no insurance plan in this state

83. covers something as frivolous as Dimoxinil.

84. Meet me in the alley in 15 minutes.

85. Come alone.

86. Dear God, give a bald guy a break.

87. Amen.

88. I have hair.

89. I have hair!

90. I have hair!

91. Look!

92. Look!

93. Good morning, Springfield!

94. Good morning, Mr. And Mrs. Winfield!

95. Why don't you get a haircut, you hippie!

96. Good morning, Moe's Tavern!

97. Hey, it's the president.

98. Good morning, everybody!

99. Good morning.

100. Good morning, everybody!

101. Good morning, Springfield!

102. Dimoxinil! Dimoxinil!

103. Well, Homer Simpson.

104. Why, you haven't been here in 20 years.

105. Hey, you got rid of the sideburns.

106. ( chuckling ) Give me the usual.

107. He's much happier at work

108. and, well, just between us girls

109. he hasn't been this frisky in years.

110. I don't want to think about it.

111. Daddy's home, Sugar.

112. Come here, you.

113. Ah, dinner with three beautiful women.

114. I must be in heaven.

115. This is Homer?

116. Oh, my.

117. Patty, stop drooling.

118. Look who's talking.

119. Something's different about you, Homer.

120. You lose some weight?

121. Yeah, you look like you got a tan.

122. I know what it is: a new tie.

123. Morons...

124. pathetic morons in my employ

125. stealing my precious money.

126. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.

127. It's in the union contract, sir.

128. One token promotion from within per year.

129. Wait!

130. Who is that young go-getter?

131. Well, it sort of looks like Homer Simpson

132. only more dynamic and resourceful.

133. Simpson, huh?

134. Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image.

135. Our new junior executive.

136. Bring him to me!

137. Attention! Homer Simpson.

138. You have been promoted.

139. You are now an executive.

140. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friends

141. and report to room #503 for reassignment

142. to a better life.

143. Well, your resume seems in order.

144. Besides typing and stuff

145. do you have any other qualifications I should know about?

146. I give great back rubs to harried executives.

147. Here, let me show you.

148. Uh, no, no. That'll be fine.

149. Thank you. Good-bye.

150. Hello?

151. Hello, Homie. How's my big, important executive?

152. Oh Marge, every woman I interview for the secretary job

153. makes kissy faces at me.

154. Hmm...

155. Hello, Mr. Simpson.

156. I'm Karl.

157. He sounds good. Hire him.

158. I'll call ya' back, Marge.

159. Simpson. Meeting in the board room tomorrow at 2:00.

160. Just sit there and keep your mouth shut, got it?

161. Yes, Mr. Smithers.

162. He thinks he's so big.

163. You don't belong here.

164. Huh?

165. You don't belong here.

166. You're a fraud,

167. and a phony, and it's only a matter of time

168. until they find you out.

169. Who told you?

170. You did. You told me with the way you slump your shoulders.

171. The way you talk into your chest.

172. The way you smother yourself

173. in bargain basement lime green polyester.

174. I want you

175. to say to yourself

176. "I deserve this."

177. "I love it."

178. "I am nature's greatest miracle."

179. Go ahead, say it.

180. I deser...

181. Trust me, Homer.

182. Take a step and say it!

183. I deserve this.

184. Louder!

185. I deserve this!

186. Shout it!

187. I am nature's greatest miracle!

188. I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses.

189. You've got it, buddy!

190. Let's go shopping!

191. Oooh... beauty.

192. A man's suit

193. should make him feel like a prince.

194. It should cry out to the world, "Here I am."

195. "Don't judge me. Love me."

196. Do any of these suits do that?

197. No.

198. Woo! I like this.

199. No, no, no, stand naturally, Mr. Simpson.

200. Let it all hang out.

201. You, conceal it.

202. Mom and Dad have been smooching again.

203. Got to run, Marge. Can't be late!

204. Happy Anniversary, Homer.

205. What? Our anniversary?

206. Are you sure?

207. Don't worry, Homie.

208. This year you have an excuse for not remembering

209. what with your job and...

210. Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Homer Simpson!

211. Homer...

212. Hello?

213. Mr. Simpson, it's Karl.

214. Ah, it sounds like everything has arrived.

215. Wonderful.

216. You did this?

217. Yes sir. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds.

218. I love you, Homer!

219. I love you, Karl... Marge.

220. Proceed, Smithers.

221. Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity

222. and record-high

223. worker accident rate.

224. Guh! Any suggestions?

225. A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots.

226. We can put caffeine in the water cooler.

227. Those are my ideas!

228. You people don't think, you regurgitate!

229. That's why I promoted someone who's in touch with the workers.

230. You.

231. I think you mean him, sir.

232. You then. How would you improve the workers' situation?

233. Well, I...

234. well, sir, for one thing, we had a problem every Tuesday

235. when the cafeteria would serve fish sticks...

236. Fish sticks! What in blazes are you talking about?

237. Well sir, they cut the head off the fish

238. and chop up the rest of the sticks and then put seasoned bread crumbs—

239. I know what fish sticks are!

240. Get to the point!

241. You only get this tiny

242. little cup of tartar sauce to dip them in

243. and I always run out.

244. Will you stop wasting our time, Simpson.

245. Shut up, Smithers.

246. Can't you see what he's saying? A happy worker is a busy worker.

247. Three cents' worth of tartar sauce

248. could save us thousands of man-hours in labor.

249. I like the cut of your jib, Simpson.

250. Let the fools have their tartar sauce.

251. Enjoy your tartar sauce, boys. Enjoy!

252. Give me your plates.

253. Don't crowd.

254. Plenty for everybody!

255. Hmm, brilliant.

256. Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms

257. would pay off so quickly?

258. You know sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number

259. that Simpson himself

260. has known or suspected to have caused last month.

261. And our output level was just as high

262. during Simpson's last vacation.

263. My dear, tired old Smithers...

264. do I detect a note of jealousy?

265. It is time.

266. Give Simpson...

267. the key.

268. Mr. Simpson

269. don't sit on that filthy thing

270. one second longer.

271. They've given you the key.

272. The key?

273. Who's got the key?

274. Stunning.

275. Absolutely stunning.

276. Hey, ho, men.

277. You know I was watching the Dumont last night

278. and I happened to catch a fascinating documentary

279. on Rommel, The Desert Fox.

280. Now there's a man who could get things done.

281. Towel, please, Simpson.

282. Allow me, sir.

283. I said Simpson.

284. Sure thing, Mr. Burns.

285. Well done, Simpson.

286. Now walk behind me down the hallway.

287. Can do, sir.

288. "$1,000?

289. "Dimoxinil?

290. Keep brain from freezing?"

291. Now I've got you, Simpson.

292. m Homer, between your hair care products and new wardrobe

293. we're not saving anything for a rainy day.

294. Rainy day! There's never going to be a rainy day, Marge.

295. There's not a cloud in the Simpson sky.

296. And what does my little girl want?

297. An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life.

298. How about a pony?

299. Okay.

300. I want you to weave

301. that patented Simpson magic with my executives.

302. A short speech.

303. Work, work, work. You know.

304. Okay, what the hey?

305. Excellent.

306. Set you to your task, Simpson.

307. Uh, Mr. Burns, it is my sad duty

308. to report that one of your executives

309. has bilked the company insurance plan out of $1,000.

310. What? Blast his hide to Hades!

311. I was going to buy that ivory back scratcher.

312. How did he do it?

313. He charged the company for Dimoxinil.

314. It's a baldness cure.

315. Thank you very much, professor science.

316. I know what Dimoxinil is.

317. Now, go make an example of this hooligan.

318. With pleasure, sir.

319. Karl, you got to help me.

320. Mr. Burns wants me to make some speech to his executives...

321. What do you want?

322. Just thought I'd drop by

323. to tell you that you're fired.

324. What?

325. Our company does not look kindly upon $1,000

326. worth of insurance fraud.

327. Clean out your desk by noon, Simpson.

328. Wait, Mr. Smithers.

329. Homer Simpson is innocent.

330. I did this.

331. You did? What are you talking about?

332. Mr. Simpson was unaware of any impropriety.

333. I take full responsibility.

334. Really?

335. Oh.

336. Well, then, you're fired, whoever you are.

337. Here's your $1,000.

338. Hey, what do you care if this guy's bald?

339. My reasons... are my own.

340. Karl, you saved me.

341. Why?

342. Have I done something extraordinary here today?

343. No.

344. I did what I was born to do—

345. what any good soldier would have done

346. when a live grenade

347. threatened his commander.

348. I threw myself upon it

349. and bore its terrible brunt.

350. Thanks, Karl.

351. I don't know what to say.

352. Just walk me to my car.

353. Bye, Karl.

354. I'm going to miss you.

355. Bye, Mr. Simpson.

356. Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today?

357. D-ohh! No.

358. Here.

359. Okay, okay, okay, you're broke. You're flat broke.

360. You don't have Karl anymore. He's not here, but you've got your hair.

361. That's right. It's all about hair.

362. Oh, that big speech.

363. Aha!

364. Hey, what's happening, hep cats?

365. No way!

366. It's gotta be a fake.

367. It's like realsville, Daddy-o.

368. Bart!

369. What are you doing?

370. Uh-oh.

371. ( screams ) Aaahh!

372. Why, you little...

373. Uh-oh.

374. Boy... must...

375. die!

376. I love you, Dad.

377. D-oh!

378. Dirty trick.

379. Okay. I'm not gonna kill you

380. but I'm going to tell you three things

381. that are going to haunt you for the rest of your days.

382. You've ruined your father.

383. You've crippled your family

384. and baldness is hereditary.

385. It is?

386. Oh, Homer, why don't you just call the pharmacy.

387. I don't have 1,000 bucks!

388. But you do, don't you, Marge? You do. You do...

389. You've been squirreling it away, haven't you?

390. Saving it for a rainy day, that's what you've said, right, right?

391. Homer!

392. Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion.

393. Oh, Homie, I'm so sorry.

394. Got that big speech in five minutes, Simpson huh?

395. You're not going to hang yourself, are you?

396. D-ohh!

397. Huh?

398. "Dear Mr. Simpson

399. "I've taken the liberty of preparing your speech

400. "on the enclosed numbered three-by-five cards.

401. "all the big words are spelled...

402. "pho-en-ne-net-tically.

403. "God bless you.

404. "You are one of Springfield's very special creatures.

405. Your obedient servant, Karl."

406. Good luck, sir.

407. Ah! Karl.

408. So that wasn't just a sweet voice I heard inside my head.

409. What are you doing here?

410. I just came to say good-bye to the gals in the typing pool.

411. Yeah, well. Thanks for the speech, Karl but I can't give it.

412. Look at me.

413. I guess I haven't taught you anything.

414. What do you mean?

415. Don't you see? The tartar sauce, the bathroom key

416. drying your boss's hands.

417. You did it all.

418. It was never the hair.

419. You did it because you believed you could and you still can.

420. No I can't. I'm just a big fool.

421. Oh no, you're not.

422. How do you know?

423. Because my mother taught me to never kiss a fool.

424. Karl.

425. Now go get them, tiger.

426. And now with some fresh insights

427. one of the rising young stars of our nuclear family

428. Homer Simpson.

429. What in blazes?

430. Who is that old geezer?

431. What has he done with Homer Simpson?

432. He is Homer Simpson, sir.

433. Uh, a lot of you

434. would think I was crazy if I did this.

435. He's crazy!

436. Yet we at this power plant

437. are doing this every hour of every day.

438. Bloated inventories, outmoded production methods.

439. I can save this company millions of dollars a year.

440. How?

441. Through Jiko Kandri

442. the Japanese art of self-management.

443. This bald man has no ideas.

444. If this is a joke, I'm not laughing.

445. Some nerve— telling us how to run the plant.

446. He doesn't even have hair.

447. inefficiently mining uranium

448. that can be purchased quite cheaply on the foreign market.

449. The long-term benefits

450. more than offsetting the one-time cost

451. for a net savings of five thousand, two...

452. lots of money.

453. Mr. Burns' office.

454. Right now.

455. Dead man coming through.

456. Mr. Well, well, well

457. our dashing young "junior" executive.

458. You made a hollow mockery of our morning meeting, Simpson.

459. I should fire you on the spot.

460. But...

461. I'm not going to.

462. Uh, why?

463. Simpsons, how old do you think I am?

464. I don't know. 102?

465. I'm only 81.

466. You may find this hard to believe

467. but in my salad days

468. my crowning glory

469. was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls.

470. Oh, I was big man on campus until my senior year

471. when I became as bald as a plucked chicken.

472. You see, Simpson

473. I, too, know the sting of male pattern baldness.

474. That's why I'm giving you your old job back.

475. What?

476. Oh, thank you, thank you.

477. Now get out of here before I reconsider.

478. Oh.

479. Better hurry up.

480. Homer, are you still awake?

481. I've never been more awake in my life.

482. What's wrong?

483. Are you kidding?

484. I'm stuck in that dead-end job again.

485. The kids are going to hate me

486. 'cause I can't buy them all that stuff I promised them

487. and you're not going to love me as much

488. 'cause I'm ugly and bald.

489. Oh, Homer.

490. Your job has always put food on our table

491. and the kids will get over it.

492. And?

493. And what about loving me?

494. Oh, Homer, I...

495. Come here.

496. Why?

497. Come here.

498. Aw.

499. Shh!