The Simpsons 2x18

Directed by Jim Reardon

Ringo Starr as Ringo Starr (voice) • Jon Lovitz as Professor Lombardo / Donut Delivery Man (voice) • Maggie Roswell as Newsreader / Miss Hoover (voice)

Marge rediscovers her interest in art and takes up painting. When Mr. Burns hires her to paint his official portrait, Marge tries but fails to find his "inner beauty."

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D-oh!

2. Live, from Mount Splashmore,

3. the tri-county area's funnest water recreation facility

4. it's The Krusty the Clown Show.

5. Hey, kids.

6. You know, today's the last day of our special week

7. on location at fabulous Mount Splashmore.

8. I just want to say the people here have been super

9. to me and Sideshow Mel. ( squeaks horn )

10. The food, the grog...

11. Oh, they threw us a brunch yesterday with fresh fruit

12. and the most delicious melon.

13. We ate till we plotzed.

14. And of course, the thing I'm gonna miss most

15. is those special, special Mount Splashmore water slides.

16. God bless 'em. So much fun, so many memories.

17. Excuse me a minute.

18. It has been a great week, hasn't it Lise?

19. I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack this place

20. just to show them how grateful I am.

21. I told them you would.

22. Don't make me a liar. ( laughs )

23. Okay, kids

24. it's time to...

25. This is a rather shameless promotion.

26. Hey, it worked on me. Me too.

27. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.

28. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No

29. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.

30. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No!

31. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No!

32. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.

33. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.

34. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.

35. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No!

36. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No!

37. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No!

38. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! No!

39. Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No!

40. If I take you, will you two shut up

41. and quit bugging me?

42. Yeah. Of course.

43. Well? Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

44. ( screaming ) Yes! Thanks, Dad.

45. Come on, Homer, get the lead out!

46. Oh, gee...

47. Homer, that suit doesn't leave much to the imagination.

48. Heads up, kids. I'm moving the seat back.

49. It is back.

50. All right, everybody stick together.

51. We don't want to get separ...

52. D-ohhh!

53. Challenge the raging waters of death.

54. Dare to discover what water is really made of:

55. h2whoa!

56. Whoa. Whoa.

57. All right! No line.

58. Ay, caramba.

59. Okay, Lise, turn on the waterworks, babe.

60. Mommy!

61. I want my Mommy!

62. Step aside, come on.

63. Spread out, spread out. Lost kid comin' through.

64. Look out, fatso.

65. Coming through.

66. Moving to the front of the line.

67. Lis, nice work, babe.

68. No, Maggie, stay in the shallow end.

69. To hell with this.

70. Slide inspector coming through.

71. Please move to the right.

72. Out of my way!

73. I'm here for your safety.

74. God bless that man.

75. Hey!

76. Bitchin'!

77. Hey!

78. What?

79. Come on, you stupid tube.

80. Hmm, looks like there's a jam in Delta Sector.

81. It's too big to be human.

82. Send down a few kids.

83. That should dislodge it.

84. Roger.

85. D-oh!

86. Can't breathe...

87. too many kids...

88. Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight

89. at somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds.

90. And now on the lighter side of the news

91. and I use the term loosely...

92. D-ohhh!

93. No, the slide is perfectly safe.

94. It was an isolated incident.

95. I understand that Krusty, but isn't that exactly what you said

96. right before the recall of tainted Krusty brand mayonnaise?

97. Now, Kent

98. you know that question is out of bounds.

99. This interview's over.

100. All right, family. I want the truth.

101. Don't pull any punches.

102. Am I just a little bit overweight?

103. Well, am I?

104. Forgive us Dad, but it takes time to properly sugarcoat a response.

105. Ohhh!

106. Oh, 437..!

107. What?

108. Fifty-five..?

109. Oh, my God!

110. Three hundred and...

111. What's this— 150?

112. Ah! Oh. Ah! Oh.

113. Oh, my God!

114. It's 260 pounds!

115. I'm a big fat pig!

116. Now, Homer, you do have big bones.

117. Marge, no one gains 30 pounds of bone.

118. I'm going on a diet.

119. From this day forward

120. I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent

121. no doughnut too tasty

122. no pizza too laden with delicious topping

123. to prevent me from reaching

124. my scientifically determined ideal weight.

125. As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again!

126. D-oh, shut up!

127. This old attic's kind of spooky

128. isn't it, boy?

129. I said, isn't it, boy?

130. Ahh!

131. Don't ever do that to me again.

132. Okay.

133. D-ohhh!

134. Aagh! Get away from that thing

135. and help me find my athletic equipment.

136. Hey Homer, I found your weights.

137. Oh, the glutemus maximizer.

138. Hey!

139. Who's the mop top with the big schnozz?

140. Don't you know anything, boy? That's Ringo Starr.

141. What is this?

142. Hey, your mother must have painted this.

143. I guess she thought he was kinda cute.

144. What..? Hey!

145. What the..?

146. Marge!

147. No, Homer. Don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl.

148. The Beatles were very popular and I had a crush on them.

149. Likely story.

150. Why did I have to start my diet

151. on pork chop night?

152. Now Homer, we've got steamed vegetables

153. and rice cakes for you.

154. Well, wait a minute.

155. I've been setting my drinks on these things.

156. They're only 35 calories apiece.

157. Hello? Hello?

158. Hello, taste?

159. Where are you?

160. You can put a little something on top

161. for flavor.

162. Now you're talking.

163. Hey Mom, these paintings are good.

164. While I know firsthand how fragile

165. young talent is

166. I'd love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed.

167. Well...

168. No, not another portrait

169. of that bongo-beating Liverpudlian.

170. But Mr. Schindler...

171. Someone might have used this canvas

172. to create a masterpiece.

173. Instead, you've soiled it forever.

174. Now, this is art.

175. Thank you, Mr. Schindler.

176. Oh, Mom, I can't believe you gave up painting

177. because of one small-minded art teacher.

178. I was so upset

179. I decided to send the portrait to the only man on Earth

180. whose opinion I could really trust.

181. And what was Ringo's response?

182. I never got any

183. and I never painted again.

184. Maybe you could take a class

185. at Springfield Community College.

186. I think it's a very nice idea.

187. Don't you, Homer?

188. Do I have to do anything?

189. No.

190. Great! Fine! Go nuts!

191. Mmm...

192. only 35 calories.

193. Hello, Mrs. Homer.

194. Apu, what are you doing here?

195. I've just enrolled in the screenwriting class.

196. I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu

197. pushed too far by convenience store bandits.

198. I call it Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey.

199. Clever title.

200. Thank you. Actually my brother Sanjay thought of it.

201. Next up.

202. My mother would like to enroll

203. in "Painting From Life" 2-B, please.

204. Woah, woah, woah. Not so fast there, pint-size.

205. I'm afraid no one can enroll until Professor Lombardo

206. personally inspects and approves their portfolio.

207. Lisa, this was a bad idea.

208. Mom!

209. Ah... very good.

210. Fabulous!

211. Ah, even better.

212. You have real talent.

213. Do you really think so? My high school art teacher hated them.

214. What? The man was a fool.

215. But still, one must admire

216. the force of his conviction.

217. Then I'm in the class?

218. Oh, my dear

219. there couldn't be a class without you.

220. Now if you'll excuse me, nature calls.

221. Marvelous!

222. Stupid weights.

223. The heavy hands don't work unless you move, Homer.

224. I can't move, boy.

225. Oh, really.

226. ( grunting: ) Whoa!

227. Now, using the Lombardo method

228. you learn to see everyday objects

229. as a simple grouping of geometrical shapes.

230. Here, we see how two concentric circles

231. various trapezoids, ellipsis—

232. and yes, even a rhombus!--

233. can create an adorable little bunny rabbit.

234. It's just that easy!

235. Go! Go! Go!

236. Bravo!

237. Walk away from it. Now it belongs to the ages.

238. You. Not another stroke.

239. Oh, maybe one more.

240. That's it! Perfect!

241. Mmm... indeed.

242. Marge, you find the inner beauty

243. of your subject and bring it out for all to see.

244. Thank you, Professor Lombardo.

245. Well, you're welcome, my dear.

246. ( quietly ) Marge, walk with me.

247. Marge, they've asked me

248. to submit the best painting from my class

249. to the Springfield Art Exhibition next week.

250. I've decided to choose your Bald Adonis.

251. Really? You're so supportive.

252. I wish every teacher was like you.

253. Please, I don't take praise very well!

254. Oh, another triumph!

255. Hmm...

256. Hmm...

257. Hmm...

258. Hmm...

259. Yeah.

260. I can't believe it!

261. Go Mom!

262. Whoo-hoo!

263. I'm a work of art.

264. Last supper, eat your heart out.

265. Garbage!

266. What matchbook art school

267. did you flunk out of?

268. You ham-fisted nearsighted house painter.

269. Smithers, throw this on the dung heap.

270. I'm sorry. This isn't working out. I quit.

271. I guess that's what you call your artistic temperament.

272. Sir, I must remind you that the dedication of the Burns Wing

273. of the museum is only

274. six days away.

275. Damnation, Smithers. This idea of yours to

276. immortalize me in a portrait was as half-baked

277. as your idea about me having children.

278. Find me an artist.

279. Sir, I'm afraid you've systematically alienated

280. Springfield's art community.

281. The only one left is this

282. Mrs. Homer Simpson.

283. Who?

284. She won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair

285. and is the wife of an employee.

286. She'll be easily intimidated.

287. Excellent.

288. Once again, the wheel has turned

289. and dame fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns

290. to her sweet, perfumed bosom.

291. Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.

292. Somebody down here likes you too, sir.

293. Shut up!

294. D-ohhh!

295. Whoo!

296. D-ohhh!

297. Whoo!

298. D-ohhh! Whoo!

299. D-ohhh! Whoo!

300. D-ohhh! Whoo-hoo!

301. Whoo-hoo!

302. 249.

303. Yeah! Wa! Wa! Wa!

304. Marge! Marge!

305. Look at me.

306. My clothes are just hanging off me.

307. That's wonderful, isn't it, kids?

308. Pass the moo juice.

309. Remember what I said about showing a little support?

310. Way to go, Dad!

311. You look marvelous.

312. Oh, what a family.

313. Hey, what gives?

314. These doughnuts are piling up.

315. Homer Simpson went on a diet.

316. Oh, my God, and I just bought a boat.

317. Well, don't people answer the door these days?

318. Allow me, sir.

319. Open up! Open up!

320. Mr. Burns.

321. Oh... would you like to come in?

322. Mr. Burns would like to commission you to do a portrait of him.

323. Have you ever painted the rich and powerful?

324. Well, no. Just Ringo Starr.

325. Ringo?

326. He was the drummer for a rock and roll combo

327. called The Beatles.

328. Beatles, eh? Oh, yes.

329. I seem to remember

330. their off-key caterwauling on the ol' Sullivan show.

331. What was Ed thinking?

332. Mrs. Simpson, this commission

333. and all of its glory can be yours

334. but first you must look me straight in the eye and answer one, simple question.

335. Okay, shoot.

336. Can you make me beautiful?

337. I don't think that will be a problem.

338. I'm no matinee idol, you know.

339. Well, maybe not

340. but I have the gift of being able to see inner beauty.

341. Mrs. Simpson, you may immortalize me.

342. Ah, sir, at last the world will see you as I always have.

343. Yes, yes, yes.

344. Don't be stingy with the blush, Smithers.

345. Now, you— paint.

346. Honey, I'm home.

347. There's an original sentiment.

348. Take it outside, Simpson.

349. I'm male modeling.

350. I'm painting his portrait, Homer.

351. ( laughing: ) Isn't that wonderful?

352. My work and my home life come together

353. in such a nice way.

354. May I see you in the other room?

355. Honey, he's nuts.

356. He thinks he's handsome. Please, you've got to make him look handsome.

357. Please, please, please, please.

358. Homer, don't worry.

359. All I need to do is find Mr. Burns' inner beauty.

360. Ohh! Okay.

361. What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns?

362. Did you have a dog that you loved?

363. Well... dahh!

364. There's something on my leg.

365. Get it off!

366. Mr. Burns, she's just a baby. Ugh!

367. All right, all right.

368. Who took the funny pages?

369. So Ziggy goes to the repair shop

370. and there's a sign on the doorbell reading

371. "Out of order."

372. Ah, Ziggy, will you ever win?

373. Oh, my.

374. If you'll excuse me

375. I'm changing for a board meeting.

376. I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns.

377. Hey Mom, did he have those spots all over his body?

378. - I heard that. - Oops.

379. Would you feel more comfortable if I left too, Sir?

380. Of course not.

381. You're like a doctor.

382. Smithers, I want my tea!

383. Doesn't it bother you

384. that he orders you around like that?

385. Actually I value every second we're together

386. from the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning till I tuck him in at night.

387. He's not just my boss.

388. He's my best friend, too.

389. Bah!

390. Too hot!

391. You're right, sir.

392. It's scalding me as we speak.

393. Dear Sally.

394. In response to your letter of December 12, 1966

395. me favorite color is blue

396. and me real first name is Richard.

397. Thanks for the snapshot.

398. You're a real cute bird.

399. Love, Ringo.

400. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.

401. Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.

402. Just set it over there.

403. Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence,

404. your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.

405. Well Weatherby, they took the time to write me

406. and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years.

407. I'm going to answer

408. every one of them.

409. Hello. What's this?

410. From Springfield, U.S.A.

411. Gear.

412. Will you cease that infernal tootling?

413. I was just practicing.

414. It's hard to discover your inner beauty

415. while you're shouting at an 8 year-old girl.

416. We've got two days left, so I'd advise you to shut up and paint!

417. Alright scale, you don't like me and I don't like you

418. but I've been very good

419. so you'd better treat me right.

420. All right!

421. Whoa-ho-ho!

422. Whoo! Whoo!

423. Marge, I'm 239 and I'm feeling fine.

424. Look, I'm using the original notches that came with my belt.

425. That's wonderful, Homer. I'm so proud of—

426. Let me get this straight.

427. You're pleased with your current appearance?

428. Why, my good man

429. you're the fattest thing I've ever seen

430. and I've been on safari.

431. If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator.

432. Mr. Burns

433. I've had enough of your... posing.

434. I can finish the portrait myself.

435. Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare

436. and I would have needed half a white Valium.

437. Thank you for your gracious hospitality.

438. See you at the unveiling.

439. Homer, what are you doing?

440. Give me that.

441. No, Burns is right.

442. What's the use?

443. Don't you listen to him.

444. He's just a mean, little S.O.B.

445. Oh, Marge.

446. I thought there was good in everybody

447. until I met him.

448. Yeah, well just as long as you paint a nice picture of him by noon tomorrow..

449. I don't think I can.

450. What?

451. You have to.

452. I can't make that man beautiful.

453. I'm just not good enough.

454. I guess I'm no artist.

455. Hello. What's this?

456. It's for you, Marge, from merry old England.

457. "From the desk of Ringo Starr."

458. "Dear Marge.

459. "Thanks for the fab painting of yours truly.

460. "I hung it on me wall.

461. "You're quite an artist.

462. "In answer to your question

463. "Yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England

464. "but we call french fries 'chips.'

465. "Love, Ringo.

466. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply."

467. Come on, Marge, paint.

468. I think you can do it.

469. Okay, Homer, if you think I can.

470. Friends, art lovers, security personnel

471. today is a red letter day

472. for the Springfield Palace of Fine Arts.

473. The new wing for our museum... ooh, and a portrait

474. commemorating the man who ponied up the due.

475. Ladies and gentlemen

476. may I invite you to behold Montgomery Burns.

477. Smithers.

478. Oh.

479. D-ohhh!

480. I don't care for this at all.

481. Um... hello.

482. My name is Marge Simpson and I painted this.

483. Maybe you'd like to know

484. what possessed me to do it.

485. Well, I guess I wanted to show

486. that beneath Mr. Burns' fearsome head

487. with its cruel lips, spiteful tongue

488. and evil brain

489. there was a frail, withered body

490. perhaps not long for this world

491. as vulnerable and beautiful as any of God's creatures.

492. ( crowd applauding ) Hmm?

493. Yes!

494. Provocative but... powerful.

495. He's bad, but he'll die.

496. So I like it.

497. Hmm...

498. Marge, a word, please.

499. You know, I'm no art critic

500. but I know what I hate, and I don't hate this.

501. Your painting is bold but beautiful

502. and, incidentally

503. thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.

504. I thought I did.

505. Shh!