The Simpsons 2x17

Directed by David Silverman

Audrey Meadows as Beatrice Simmons (voice) • Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz (voice) • Maggie Roswell as Nurse / Receptionist (voice)

When Grandpa's new girlfriend at the Springfield Retirement Castle dies, he inherits her savings and must decide the best way to spend his windfall.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D-oh!

2. Dad, the next time we see you

3. we'll do something more fun.

4. Oh, what could be more fun

5. than today's trip to the liquor store?

6. Thanks for the beef jerky.

7. Say good-bye to Grampa, everyone.

8. Bye.

9. You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage

10. where the bottom's all wet.

11. Nah, he smells more like a photo lab.

12. Stop it! Both of you.

13. Grampa smells like a regular old man

14. which is more like a hallway in a hospital.

15. Homer, that's terrible. We should be teaching the children

16. to treasure the elderly.

17. You know, we'll be old someday.

18. My god you're right, Marge! You kids won't put me in a home like I did to my Dad

19. would you?

20. Well...

21. Marge, what do we do?

22. Well, I think we better set an example.

23. Absolutely.

24. Our third Sunday of every month should be a pleasure

25. not a chore.

26. Where's someplace fun we can take Grampa next time?

27. To the pony ride.

28. No. He can't sit on ponies.

29. Well, I always enjoy the glass blower

30. at old Springfield town. Aw, he saw that.

31. Big yawner.

32. The Museum of Barnyard Oddities.

33. No, Bart, no.

34. Bart, gross.

35. I got it.

36. The Springfield Mystery Spot.

37. Dad, it's just a dumb mud puddle.

38. Discount Lion Safari!

39. Hey!

40. These aren't my pills.

41. Now, now, Mr. Simmons.

42. Don't make me call Nurse Bronski.

43. That's Simpson, damn it, and these aren't my pills!

44. Excuse me, nurse.

45. My name is Simmons

46. and I think I have the wrong pills.

47. I get two red ones for my back spasms

48. a yellow one for my arrhythmia

49. and two of the bluest eyes

50. I've ever seen in my life.

51. Then these must be...

52. I have your...

53. They must have...

54. Look at us.

55. We're staring at each other

56. like a couple of stupid, punk teenagers.

57. I wasn't staring.

58. It's... my lazy eye.

59. I'm Beatrice Simmons, but my friends call me Bea.

60. Well, I'm Abraham J. Simpson.

61. Care to tip the wrist with me?

62. Oh, I would be delighted.

63. So, um...

64. tell me about yourself.

65. Widower, one son, one working kidney.

66. And you?

67. Widowed, bad hip and liver disorder.

68. You left something out.

69. Ravishing.

70. Mmm!

71. Ohh!

72. Ummm!

73. Mmm!

74. And what are you doing tonight?

75. Sitting alone in my room.

76. Oh, well, you've got plans already.

77. No. What were you going to say?

78. Oh, nothing.

79. Oh, Abe.

80. You were going to say something.

81. I was wondering if you and I...

82. you know, might go to the same place at the same time.

83. Geez, you think this would get easier with time!

84. I'd love to.

85. Okay.

86. Now where's that Pomade?

87. "... Never fly solo again."

88. Ah, damn, out of Pomade.

89. Oh, well.

90. Ooh, hello, young lady.

91. Is your grandmother home?

92. Oh, Abe, I can tell I better keep my good eye on you.

93. Damn straight.

94. Herman, a very special lady is having her birthday tomorrow.

95. The battleship New Jersey.

96. No, you idiot!

97. My girlfriend Bea.

98. Since this is the only store I know...

99. Grampa, nothing says "I love you" better

100. than a military antique.

101. Let's take a look at the bayonet case.

102. Hey, what's that?

103. That, my friend, was Napoleon's hat.

104. It doesn't look like Napoleon's hat.

105. It's not the famous hat. It's the one he wore for a week in April, 1796

106. just before he defeated the Sardinians.

107. Ooh, how much?

108. $400.

109. I'll give you five bucks.

110. That's not the kind of offer you should make to a man

111. with a Gatling gun under the counter.

112. Why don't you try Grandma's World?

113. Yo, active wear.

114. I need a price check on a wool shawl.

115. Dad, it's the third Sunday of the month. You know what that means...

116. Go away!

117. Oh, come on, Dad.

118. I promise we'll have more fun this time. We're gonna see lions!

119. I can't go.

120. It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday.

121. Oh, you have a girlfriend.

122. Heh-heh. Well, happy birthday, Bea.

123. She can come with us.

124. Hey, there's room for all your friends in the car.

125. Oh! She's not invisible, you idiot!

126. See, it's her birthday tonight.

127. Yeah, right.

128. Hey! You kids, stop kicking the seat.

129. I'm kicking the seat.

130. Dad, don't you want to know where we're going?

131. No.

132. Discount Lion Safari!

133. Damn these child-proof doors.

134. Hello.

135. That will be 18.50, partner.

136. "Do not feed animals."

137. "Do not allow animals in the car."

138. "Do not make eye contact with animals."

139. ( sarcastically ) Are we in Africa yet?

140. Did anybody notice

141. this place sucks?

142. It seems that most of the animals are sleeping.

143. Let them sleep on their own time.

144. Homer, are you sure this is the right way?

145. The road seems to have gotten awfully bumpy.

146. What a wingding.

147. This is much better

148. than my girlfriend's birthday party.

149. - Homer - Bart, get out and push.

150. Yeah, Bart. Get out and push.

151. No way, Jose.

152. Okay, we've seen the lions.

153. Can we go now?

154. Oh, Bea!

155. Mr. Simpson, I presume.

156. Out of my way.

157. I got a date with an angel.

158. You don't know how right you are, Abe.

159. What?

160. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this

161. but Bea passed away last night.

162. Oh, no.

163. It was her ticker.

164. The doc said her left ventricle burst.

165. Oh, no, Jasper.

166. They may say she died of a burst ventricle

167. but I know she died of a broken heart.

168. I can tell she really cared for me.

169. She didn't make me a pallbearer.

170. I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.

171. Is someone talking to me?

172. I didn't hear anything.

173. Oh, no, Dad's lost his hearing!

174. No, you idiot, I'm ignoring you!

175. You made me miss the last precious moments

176. of Bea's life.

177. I'll never speak to you again!

178. I have no son!

179. Oh, Bea.

180. It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr. Simpson?

181. Who the hell

182. are you?

183. Lionel Hutts, Attorney at Law.

184. I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate.

185. Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman

186. and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you.

187. Really?

188. There is one catch.

189. You must spend one night in.. a haunted house.

190. Just kidding.

191. Here's a check for $106,000

192. "To enjoy as you see fit."

193. Oh, I'm touched.

194. $106,000?

195. Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson.

196. By the way, old-timer, I do wills.

197. Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it.

198. It looks just like a cigar.

199. Isn't that something?

200. Hello.

201. Hello, Homer?

202. Whoo hoo! It's Dad on the phone, he's calling me!

203. Oh, Dad, I knew you'd forgive me.

204. I haven't forgiven you.

205. I just inherited $106,000, and I just had to tell you

206. that you're not getting one thin dime!

207. D-ohhh!

208. Mr. Simpson?

209. What is it?

210. I couldn't help overhearing about your new-found fortune

211. and let me assure you

212. that here at the Springfield Retirement Castle

213. money does make a difference.

214. I mean, there are rubdowns

215. and then there are rubdowns.

216. Listen, you bloodsucker, has it ever occurred to you

217. that old folks deserve to be treated like human beings

218. whether they have money or not?

219. Yes, but it passes.

220. You lousy son of a..!

221. I'll take it.

222. Hey, big spender, why the change of heart?

223. Bea told me to enjoy my moolah

224. and I'm going to, dagnabit!

225. Huh!

226. Yeah.

227. Yeah.

228. So, where to, pappy?

229. Take me someplace fun.

230. You're the boss.

231. Next stop...

232. Funsville.

233. Ayah.

234. Ayah.

235. Ayah.

236. I miss Bea.

237. I miss you too.

238. Oh, Abraham, calm down.

239. I'm not here to scare you.

240. They've got me haunting a family in Texas.

241. Oh, I'm glad you're keeping busy.

242. Now listen Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness?

243. Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life.

244. Abraham, if you're not happy with the money

245. why don't you spread it around?

246. Make other people as happy as you made me.

247. Oh, thanks, Bea, I will.

248. And go see your son.

249. He misses you.

250. Oh, I miss him, too, the big, fat Dickens.

251. Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you.

252. What was death like?

253. Not as scary

254. as this!

255. I miss my Daddy.

256. This thing with your Dad

257. has had you moping around the house for days.

258. I think it's time for you to talk to someone who understands.

259. Hiya. You've reached

260. Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line.

261. If you have a sullen teenager, press one now.

262. If you're estranged from your spouse, press two, now.

263. If you have trouble maintaining...

264. Grampa!

265. Huh?

266. Dad!

267. Sonny boy!

268. Is there room at your table for a foolish old man?

269. Well, sure.

270. We'll have to move a chair in from the den, but it's no problem.

271. Bart!

272. Choose your corn cob.

273. En garde.

274. Challenge accepted.

275. All my precious stacks of gold...

276. Couldn't buy the pleasures of a simple family meal.

277. Pass the bug juice, Dad.

278. Wait your turn, you pig.

279. I have an announcement to make.

280. I've decided to give Bea's money away.

281. There are people who really need it.

282. I'm gonna let them come to me

283. and plead their case, and then I'll decide

284. who needs it most.

285. Grampa, that's the noblest thought that's

286. ever been expressed at this table.

287. Give it to us, Grampa.

288. Bart!

289. Forgive him, Dad.

290. He's just a stupid little kid,

291. who says the first thing that pops into his head

292. but you know, there's wisdom in his innocence.

293. You don't want it.

294. Yes I do.

295. Too bad, you ain't gettin' it.

296. Not since this reporter's marriage

297. to Stephanie the Weather lady

298. has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo.

299. All because of this man.

300. Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson

301. announced that he will give away over $100,000

302. to the person or persons he finds most deserving.

303. Is Grampa Simpson a modern day saint, a rich nut or both?

304. Only time will tell.

305. This is Kent Brockman, on-line for an old man's money.

306. Ah, you see, Gramp

307. I want to customize the bus.

308. You know, chop the top

309. jack it up, put mag wheels on it

310. psychedelic paint job from hell, man.

311. Jam the kids to school at 150 miles an hour.

312. Here's an artist's rendering.

313. Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick.

314. - Next. - Duh.

315. Grampa...

316. I can call you "Grampa," can't I?

317. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

318. Alright. I need that money, please.

319. Wait a minute. Wait.

320. You're that guy who owns the nuclear power plant.

321. The ownership is divided.

322. What the hell do you think you are doing?

323. Mr. Simpson, I dread the day

324. when $100,000 isn't worth groveling for.

325. Get out of here!

326. You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, old man.

327. Here's the deal, Grampa.

328. A guy I think was an explorer left this in the bar one night.

329. It may be a map to ancient treasure

330. or directions to some guy's house

331. but to find out, we'll need money, provisions

332. and a two-man diving bell.

333. It's pretty stupid

334. but so far, you're the front-runner.

335. It's a special isolation chamber.

336. The subject pulls levers to receive food and warmth.

337. The floor can become electrified

338. and showers of icy water randomly fall on the subject.

339. I call it the "Monroe Box."

340. Well, it sounds interesting. Uh-huh.

341. How much will it cost to build?

342. That's the beauty part.

343. It's already built.

344. I need the money to buy a baby

345. to raise in the box until the age of 30.

346. What are you trying to prove?

347. My theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted

348. and will harbor a deep resentment towards me.

349. Hmm, interesting.

350. Let's see. I want a tear gas pen

351. a blow gun with paralyzer darts...

352. Oh, no.

353. Nunchakus.

354. Nunchakus? Yeah.

355. What the hell are those?

356. A copy of Radioactive Man, #27—

357. that's the first time he fights Dr. Crab—

358. and I wanna buy that baseball card

359. where the guy's flipping the bird.

360. Oh yeah, I've seen that one.

361. Oh, and a monkey.

362. What the hell is that?

363. Why, it's a death ray, my good man.

364. Behold.

365. Hey, feels warm.

366. Kind of nice.

367. Well, it is just the prototype.

368. With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby

369. could destroy an area the size of New York City.

370. But I want to help people, not kill them.

371. Well, to be honest

372. the ray only has evil applications.

373. You know, my wife will be happy.

374. She's hated this whole death ray thing from day one.

375. Oh, Lisa, what makes you think you deserve all that money?

376. I don't deserve it, Grampa.

377. No one here does.

378. The people who deserve it are on the streets

379. and they're in the slums.

380. They're little children who need more library books

381. and families who can't make ends meet.

382. Of course, if you really wanted to, you could buy me a pony.

383. You're right.

384. I'll name her Princess

385. and I'll ride her every day.

386. No, you're right about all the poor souls

387. who need a helping hand.

388. I need to take a walk to clear my head.

389. Oh, dear.

390. Ah, I'm exhausted.

391. Oh, poor baby.

392. Been lifting your wallet?

393. No— I'll have you know

394. I've decided to give my money away to truly needy causes.

395. Hmm.

396. But $100,000 just isn't enough.

397. I need more.

398. Why don't you go on the seniors' gambling junket?

399. I bet you could double your money or even triple it.

400. Well, it's tempting.

401. Plus, they got a 99¢ shrimp cocktail.

402. You sold me.

403. Slow down.

404. Are you trying to get us killed?

405. It's too hot, ya' maniac.

406. Turn on the air.

407. Hey, mellow out, old dudes

408. or I'll jam this baby into a river

409. all right?

410. Miss, I'm looking for Abe Simpson.

411. It's important I get a hold of him.

412. I have to tell him I don't care about his money

413. and I love him.

414. We get that a lot.

415. He left with the senior casino junket.

416. Casino?

417. Ah!

418. Come on, everybody!

419. Hello, I am Plato.

420. Please partake of keno, craps and the loosest slots in town.

421. My philosophy is "enjoy."

422. Change, please.

423. A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake

424. and, for God sakes, hurry.

425. $5,000 on...

426. What century is this?

427. The 20th.

428. Great. Put it on #20.

429. Excuse me.

430. Have you seen an old man with a lot of money?

431. He looks like me, but he's wrinkled.

432. Hello. Have you seen a... Dad!

433. No-o-o-o-o-o!

434. 20 black. ( Abe laughing )

435. Holy moley.

436. You're winning.

437. Beat it, boy.

438. You're cramping my style.

439. Dad, please, you gotta quit while you're ahead.

440. You got to take your money and leave, now.

441. Sorry, boy.

442. I have to get enough to help everybody.

443. But you could lose everything. Come on!

444. Homer

445. I think Rudyard Kipling said it best.

446. "If you can make one heap of all your winnings

447. "and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss, and lose

448. "and start again at your beginnings

449. "and never breathe a word about your loss

450. "yours is the Earth and everything that's in it.

451. And, which is more, you'll be a man, my son."

452. You'll be a bonehead. Come on.

453. Put it all on 41.

454. I've got a feeling about that number.

455. The wheel only goes to 36.

456. Okay, put it all on 36.

457. I've got a feeling about that number.

458. Dad! No! Give me that money.

459. Come on.

460. Stop it.

461. Ow! You're hurting me!

462. Thirty-six!

463. No more bets.

464. Son, if this lands on 36, I'll...

465. Double zero.

466. Son, you saved me from losing all my money.

467. For the first time in my life, I'm glad I had children.

468. So, uh, have you figured out

469. who gets the money?

470. Yes, Homer, I have.

471. Come on in.

472. Dignity's on me, friends.

473. Shh!