1. Hey Homer, it's Barney.Copy !req
2. Did I wake you?Copy !req
3. ( slurring)
I'm up, I'm up. Whadda ya want?Copy !req
4. All I wanted to tell you about
was this new barbecue joint.Copy !req
5. Ooh, barbecue!Copy !req
6. It's called Greasy Joe's
Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit.Copy !req
7. Ooh, I can still taste the sauce
between my fingers, and—Copy !req
8. are you ready for this?--Copy !req
9. It's all you can eat!Copy !req
10. This is like
some beautiful dream.Copy !req
11. And one and two
and three and reachCopy !req
12. and five and six...Copy !req
13. Marge, honeyCopy !req
14. I got five words
to say to you.Copy !req
15. Greasy Joe's
Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit.Copy !req
16. Homer, remember you promisedCopy !req
17. you'd try to limit pork
to six servings a week.Copy !req
18. Marge, I'm only human.Copy !req
19. Now look. Here's what
we're gonna do.Copy !req
20. We'll unload the kids
on Patty and SelmaCopy !req
21. Saturday night,
and then we'll eatCopy !req
22. until they kick us
out of the place.Copy !req
23. Just like old times.Copy !req
24. Hmm. Saturday night?Copy !req
25. I'm not even sure my sisters
will be available.Copy !req
26. I'll take that bet.Copy !req
27. Hello, Marge.Copy !req
28. This Saturday?Copy !req
29. We're going
to Stanley Peterson's wedding.Copy !req
30. The way he's going at herCopy !req
31. you'd think
they were already married.Copy !req
32. Hey, alley cats!Copy !req
33. Save it for the honeymoon.Copy !req
34. Well, if you have
other plans...Copy !req
35. D-ohh!Copy !req
36. It's no problem.Copy !req
37. We'll beat it
before they throw the bouquet.Copy !req
38. "F,"L..."Copy !req
39. Oh, no, I'm sorry.Copy !req
40. That's a "C," isn't it?Copy !req
41. If that was an oncoming vehicleCopy !req
42. you'd be dead now.Copy !req
43. Next!Copy !req
44. But driving is my livelihood.Copy !req
45. Take it like a man.Copy !req
46. FriendsCopy !req
47. RelativesCopy !req
48. Work-related acquaintances...Copy !req
49. We are gathered here todayCopy !req
50. to join Stanley and Martha
in holy matrimony.Copy !req
51. Martha, my dearCopy !req
52. I remember the first day
that I met you.Copy !req
53. HelloCopy !req
54. Selma.Copy !req
55. Hello, Stanley.Copy !req
56. Is this seat taken?Copy !req
57. Yes, it is.Copy !req
58. Hey, beat it!Copy !req
59. Had I not chosen the seat
that was next to youCopy !req
60. Martha, my loveCopy !req
61. who knows what woman
I might have ended up with.Copy !req
62. Hmm.Copy !req
63. Poor Brandy.Copy !req
64. Aunt Selma, do you think
you'll ever get married?Copy !req
65. Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
66. Why? You know somebody?Copy !req
67. No, and since I'm sure that
you'd only resent the pity
of an eight year-old niece,Copy !req
68. I'll simply hope that you'reCopy !req
69. one of the statistically
insignificant numberCopy !req
70. of 40-year-old, single women
who ever find their fair prince.Copy !req
71. Patty, Selma,
we're home.Copy !req
72. Yeah.Copy !req
73. I'll tell you one thing.Copy !req
74. Greasy Joe is sorry
he ever saw the likes of me.Copy !req
75. Marge, I need
to speak with you alone.Copy !req
76. Oh, and that sauce, Barney—Copy !req
77. I could have drunk a bowl of it
by itself.Copy !req
78. Oh, Barney,
that's just my sister-in-law.Copy !req
79. I'll get right to the point.Copy !req
80. I'm getting older,
fatter and uglier.Copy !req
81. Please, Marge,
help me find a manCopy !req
82. before it's too late.Copy !req
83. Well, I'll try.Copy !req
84. Homer, do you remember
our last family vacationCopy !req
85. when you made us go
to the Bowlers Hall of FameCopy !req
86. in St. Louis, MissouriCopy !req
87. so you could see
that carCopy !req
88. shaped like
a giant bowling pin?Copy !req
89. Remember?
Who could forget?Copy !req
90. Then you'll
also rememberCopy !req
91. that you owe me a favorCopy !req
92. to be called up whenever
and for whatever reasonCopy !req
93. I desire.Copy !req
94. But that was just
an idle promise.Copy !req
95. Not to me.
Ohhh...Copy !req
96. I want you to find a husband
for my sister, Selma.Copy !req
97. Find a husband?Copy !req
98. Wait. Which one's Selma again?Copy !req
99. She's the one who likes
Police Academy moviesCopy !req
100. and Hummel figurinesCopy !req
101. and walking through the park
on clear, autumn days.Copy !req
102. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
103. But I thought
she was the oneCopy !req
104. that didn't like
to be, you know, touched.Copy !req
105. It's Patty who chose
the life of celibacy.Copy !req
106. Selma simply had celibacy
thrust upon her.Copy !req
107. But, Marge...Copy !req
108. Homer, you will find her a man!Copy !req
109. All right.Copy !req
110. And not just any man.Copy !req
111. Okay.Copy !req
112. He should be
honest and caringCopy !req
113. and well-off
and handsome...Copy !req
114. Hey, why should she have
a better husband than you do?Copy !req
115. Mrs.
Sodium tetra sulfate
is highly causticCopy !req
116. and can remove your skin.Copy !req
117. Say when.Copy !req
118. That will do.Copy !req
119. What's this stuff for?Copy !req
120. It's chiefly used
in the manufacture of
rayons, filmCopy !req
121. and as a preservative
in fast foods.Copy !req
122. It's also
a potent herbicide.Copy !req
123. What's a herbicide?Copy !req
124. It kills grass.Copy !req
125. Excellent.Copy !req
126. Must find man.Copy !req
127. Must find man.Copy !req
128. Must find man.Copy !req
129. Boy, a good man
really is hard to find.Copy !req
130. Gentlemen, according
to my sources,
you are planningCopy !req
131. to simultaneously
drop your pencilsCopy !req
132. at 2:15 this afternoon.Copy !req
133. Do so,
and you will be suspended.Copy !req
134. Hey, who squealed?Copy !req
135. - You can't get anything past
Principal Skinner.
- He knows everything.Copy !req
136. Vandalism fans,
hold onto your hats.Copy !req
137. Who does he think
he is, anyway?Copy !req
138. He's not going
to get away with that.Copy !req
139. Sometimes that kid just
goes too far.Copy !req
140. One seafood burrito, Apu.Copy !req
141. I am loathe to interruptCopy !req
142. your meditation, sir.Copy !req
143. But the time has come
for money to change hands.Copy !req
144. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
145. Say what they will
about our cafeteriaCopy !req
146. I still think they're the best
Tater Tots money can buy.Copy !req
147. Mmm...Copy !req
148. Wait a minute.Copy !req
149. It smells like...Copy !req
150. sodium tetra sulfate
bonding with chlorophyll.Copy !req
151. Sweet Lord, it is!Copy !req
152. Principal Skinner
( screaming: )
Simpson!Copy !req
153. Bart,
I'm flabbergasted.Copy !req
154. Surely, you knew,
as you writing your own nameCopy !req
155. in 40-foot high
letters on the fieldCopy !req
156. that you would be caught.Copy !req
157. Maybe it was one of
the other Bart's, sir.Copy !req
158. There are no other Barts!Copy !req
159. Uh-oh.Copy !req
160. The sheer contempt
demonstrated by this incidentCopy !req
161. makes me wish
I could pullCopy !req
162. the Board of Education
out of retirement.Copy !req
163. Call your father,
immediately.Copy !req
164. Hello, is Homer there?Copy !req
165. Homer, who?Copy !req
166. Homer... sexual.Copy !req
167. Wait one second.
Let me check.Copy !req
168. Uh... Homer sexual?Copy !req
169. Come on, come on.Copy !req
170. One of you guys
has got to beCopy !req
171. Homer sexual.Copy !req
172. Don't look at me.Copy !req
173. Oh, no—
you rotten little punk.Copy !req
174. If I ever get a hold of youCopy !req
175. I'll sink my teeth
into your cheek
and rip your face off!Copy !req
176. You'll do what, young man?Copy !req
177. What, what, wait.Copy !req
178. Who is this?Copy !req
179. I think the real question is
who is this and where is Homer
Simpson?Copy !req
180. Whoa, whoa, sorry,
Principal Skinner, sorry.Copy !req
181. It's a bad connection,
I think.Copy !req
182. It's for you.
I think Bart's
in trouble again.Copy !req
183. D-ohh!Copy !req
184. What's he done now?Copy !req
185. I'm afraid this time the victims
are the innocent blades of grassCopy !req
186. on Grounds Keeper Willy's
award-winning play field.Copy !req
187. If it's alright with you.
I'd like to have Bart
repay his debt to societyCopy !req
188. through back-breaking
physical laborCopy !req
189. resodding the field
manuallyCopy !req
190. seed by seed.Copy !req
191. Enough about Bart.Copy !req
192. Tell me, Principal Skinner,
are you married?Copy !req
193. Only to my job.Copy !req
194. But if you weren't married
to your job, you tend to go
for a girl, right?Copy !req
195. Well, of course.Copy !req
196. These pads come off at night
just like everybody else's.Copy !req
197. But tell me,
why all the questions?Copy !req
198. No reason.Copy !req
199. I was just wonderingCopy !req
200. if you'd like to come
over to my house for dinner.Copy !req
201. A payback for all
the crummy thingsCopy !req
202. Bart has done
to your school.Copy !req
203. A home-cooked meal would be
a nice change of pace.Copy !req
204. I'd be delighted.Copy !req
205. Excellent.Copy !req
206. Good evening,
Principal SkinnerCopy !req
207. and welcome to our home.Copy !req
208. Thank you, Bart.Copy !req
209. I only hope
for the next few hoursCopy !req
210. you and I can leave
our differences in the
school yard.Copy !req
211. Fine. Just get inside already.Copy !req
212. He's here.Copy !req
213. What are you waiting for?Copy !req
214. Get out there
and shake your
moneymaker.Copy !req
215. I'm too nervous.Copy !req
216. You do it.Copy !req
217. No, you do it.Copy !req
218. You do it.Copy !req
219. No, you do it.Copy !req
220. No, you do it.Copy !req
221. Now, SimpsonCopy !req
222. I had a discomforting thought
on the way over here.Copy !req
223. This dinner wouldn't be
a master plan of yoursCopy !req
224. to set me up with some
unmarried relation, would it?Copy !req
225. Because I can assure you
that I...Copy !req
226. I...Copy !req
227. Oh, be still, my foolish heart.Copy !req
228. Here we go.Copy !req
229. Boy meets beast.Copy !req
230. Ahem.
Principal Skinner,Copy !req
231. allow me
to introduce youCopy !req
232. to my wife's lovelyCopy !req
233. and available sister,
Selma.Copy !req
234. Hey, tubs, I'm Patty.Copy !req
235. What?Copy !req
236. Pat-ty.Copy !req
237. D-ohh!Copy !req
238. Wrong one.Copy !req
239. So, Patty, tell me...Copy !req
240. tell me more
about your trip to Egypt.Copy !req
241. Nothing more to tell, really.
The Nile smells like
cattle rotCopy !req
242. and they've got horseflies
over there the size
of your head.Copy !req
243. Marvelous.Copy !req
244. Just marvelous.Copy !req
245. Well, Selma hated Egypt too.Copy !req
246. A camel spit on her.Copy !req
247. Oh yes, I've heard they
can be difficult.Copy !req
248. Patty, the Parents
Advisory Board has askedCopy !req
249. that I attend the premiereCopy !req
250. of Space Mutants, Part V
tomorrow night.Copy !req
251. Would you be.. interested in
joining me?Copy !req
252. I don't really...Copy !req
253. She'd be delighted.Copy !req
254. I'm going to cancel.Copy !req
255. No, you're not.Copy !req
256. We already have plans
for tomorrow night.Copy !req
257. Patty, your first date
in 25 yearsCopy !req
258. is a little more important
than playing hearts with mother.Copy !req
259. I tried to repel him,
I really did.Copy !req
260. Pack of Lady Laramie 100's,
please.Copy !req
261. We both know it could
have easily been me.
Very easily.Copy !req
262. Laramie Hi-Tars hard pack,
and I don't have all day.Copy !req
263. Here you go.
Smoke them in good health.Copy !req
264. And will you be needing
any lottery tickets with that?Copy !req
265. No. All right, five.Copy !req
266. Stupid Principal Skinner.Copy !req
267. You've got to be kidding me.Copy !req
268. Save your strength, lad.Copy !req
269. There's a whole field
for you to resod yet.Copy !req
270. D-ohh!Copy !req
271. Bart, you wouldn't
happen to knowCopy !req
272. what sort of candyCopy !req
273. your Aunt Patty likes,
would you?Copy !req
274. Cherry cordials, sir.Copy !req
275. Very good.Copy !req
276. Now then,
regarding your punishment...Copy !req
277. Do you feel that you've
learned your lesson?Copy !req
278. Have I ever. Just the thought
of doing anything bad againCopy !req
279. makes my stomach turn.Copy !req
280. Well, then...
you're free to go.Copy !req
281. Well Willy, you can take it
from here.Copy !req
282. Adios, dude.Copy !req
283. You'll be back!Copy !req
284. You haven't seen
the last of Willy.Copy !req
285. I don't see why
all this is necessary.Copy !req
286. Come on Patty, you don't want
to show up for your big dateCopy !req
287. looking like Yosemite Sam.Copy !req
288. How do I look?Copy !req
289. Achingly beautiful.Copy !req
290. Hello.Copy !req
291. Cherry cordials.Copy !req
292. I hope you like them.Copy !req
293. I like them okay.Copy !req
294. Let's get this over with.Copy !req
295. Excellent suggestion.
I suggest we startCopy !req
296. with the Springfield
revolving restaurant.Copy !req
297. You know, food tastes better
when you're revolving.Copy !req
298. Yeah, right.Copy !req
299. Well I must say, so far, the
evening is a big disappointment.Copy !req
300. Indeed.Copy !req
301. Truly terrible.Copy !req
302. Hey, can we get
some serviceCopy !req
303. over here?Copy !req
304. I've asked for water
three times now.Copy !req
305. Is everything all right?Copy !req
306. Well, well, well.Copy !req
307. If it isn't
little Jimmy Pierson.Copy !req
308. Class of '71, I believe.Copy !req
309. Good evening,
Principal Skinner.Copy !req
310. Pierson, get this woman
a glass of water immediately.Copy !req
311. And tuck in your shirt!Copy !req
312. Nearly 30Copy !req
313. and still working
as a bus boy.Copy !req
314. I'll tell youCopy !req
315. the standardized testing
never lies.Copy !req
316. Doesn't surprise me.Copy !req
317. She's always been
the lucky one.Copy !req
318. Two minutes younger.Copy !req
319. Skin like a china doll
and bosoms till Tuesday.Copy !req
320. Well, don't worry.Copy !req
321. There's still plenty
of fish in the sea.Copy !req
322. Right, Homer?Copy !req
323. Oh, yes,
plenty of fish.Copy !req
324. You just don't
have any bait.Copy !req
325. What a shame.Copy !req
326. Out of gas.Copy !req
327. Hmm?Copy !req
328. Don't be stupid.Copy !req
329. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
330. Come on, love.Copy !req
331. Loosen up.Copy !req
332. I just can't forget
what happenedCopy !req
333. to that poor dingo
back there.Copy !req
334. Who or what could have done
such a horrible thing?Copy !req
335. It was probably
just a wallaby.Copy !req
336. Now come on.Copy !req
337. Well... okay.Copy !req
338. Ah!Copy !req
339. Hello, Dolly.Copy !req
340. Oh, that was
the worst movieCopy !req
341. I've ever seen.Copy !req
342. Not as bad
as the serviceCopy !req
343. at the revolving
restaurant.Copy !req
344. Isn't it nice
we hate the same things?Copy !req
345. So, see me again tomorrow?Copy !req
346. I'm afraid that's
my microwave cookery class.Copy !req
347. Then the day after that.Copy !req
348. Oh, gee, tae kwon do.Copy !req
349. The day after that, then.Copy !req
350. Seymour, you're touching me.Copy !req
351. Kiss me, Patty.Copy !req
352. I don't have cooties.Copy !req
353. Hi-ya!Copy !req
354. Thursday I'm going
food shopping.Copy !req
355. You can come along
if you like.Copy !req
356. Until then.Copy !req
357. Tell me every
filthy detailCopy !req
358. or is your tongue
too tired?Copy !req
359. Selma, it was lousy me,
the movie was awfulCopy !req
360. and he didn't
get anything.
Now g' night.Copy !req
361. Alright. One kiss, but I don't
want you bragging to yourCopy !req
362. friends about how you scored.Copy !req
363. Oh, I wish I could make
a P.A. announcementCopy !req
364. to the whole world.Copy !req
365. Attention everyone,
Seymour Skinner is in love.Copy !req
366. Oh, wow Simpson,
that's pretty cool.Copy !req
367. Bart, Skinner's
going to kill you.Copy !req
368. Skinner? Ha!
He works for me now.Copy !req
369. Simpson.Copy !req
370. What is that there?Copy !req
371. Mmm...Copy !req
372. Mmm.Copy !req
373. Ah, Patty.Copy !req
374. Bart, I hate to pull you away
from your daily exercise but..Copy !req
375. well I wanted you
to be the first to know.Copy !req
376. I'm going to ask for your
Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.Copy !req
377. Your funeral, Seymour.Copy !req
378. Homer, lighten up.Copy !req
379. You're making happy hour
bitterly ironic.Copy !req
380. Aw, Moe. I've got to find a date
for my big, fat, snottyCopy !req
381. sister-in-law, Selma.Copy !req
382. I'm intrigued.Copy !req
383. What does Selma
look like?Copy !req
384. Like my wife's
ugly sister.Copy !req
385. Wheel her in, Homer.Copy !req
386. I'm not a picky man.Copy !req
387. A good rule of thumbCopy !req
388. is two years salary, sir.
Try this.Copy !req
389. I can't afford that,
I'm an educator.Copy !req
390. Seymour.Copy !req
391. I'll take it.Copy !req
392. Homer, my sister is
not going out with
Barney Gumble.Copy !req
393. Hey, Selma's
no prize pig herself, you know.Copy !req
394. Bart, come cheer up
your Aunt Selma.Copy !req
395. Okay.Copy !req
396. What did you learn
in school today?Copy !req
397. Principal Skinner's gonna
ask Aunt PattyCopy !req
398. to marry him.Copy !req
399. Mm. Thanks, kid.Copy !req
400. You made my day.Copy !req
401. But nothing, Marge.Copy !req
402. She's a heifer,
plain and simple, and...Copy !req
403. oh, there's
the little prom queen now.Copy !req
404. Can the sweet talk.Copy !req
405. You're right.Copy !req
406. It's time to ash can
my girlish hopes and dreamsCopy !req
407. and grab hold of
the next train out
of the station.Copy !req
408. Is that Selma?Copy !req
409. Ring-a-ding-ding.Copy !req
410. Oh, shut up.Copy !req
411. Why are you dolled up
like a chorus girl?Copy !req
412. Well, it take
a ripe piece of cheeseCopy !req
413. to catch the mouse.Copy !req
414. It's time to give away my love
like so much cheap wine.Copy !req
415. Take it to the hoop, Selma.Copy !req
416. Hi, look what I brought.Copy !req
417. Ah, schnapps?Copy !req
418. I'll take that.Copy !req
419. You seem preoccupied tonight,
my little... pudding cup.Copy !req
420. My sister's on a dateCopy !req
421. with a big, fat rummy.Copy !req
422. Well, there's something up here
that will pick up your spirits.Copy !req
423. "Marry me, Patty"?Copy !req
424. Geezum crow!Copy !req
425. Look at the size
of that rock!Copy !req
426. It's the second most precious
jewel in this bell tower.Copy !req
427. Patty, the question before you
is, will you marry me?Copy !req
428. I don't know.
This is so...Copy !req
429. Just say whatever's
in your heart.Copy !req
430. Okay.Copy !req
431. You see, it's not that
I don't love you.Copy !req
432. You love me!Copy !req
433. Kalloo kallay!Copy !req
434. Yes, yes, but...Copy !req
435. But?Copy !req
436. But I'm a twinCopy !req
437. and as such, I have
a special...Copy !req
438. special tie
to your sister. Yes.Copy !req
439. The only man I could marry
would have to understand...Copy !req
440. That you couldn't leave
your sister for any man.Copy !req
441. Oh.Copy !req
442. Yes, so I know
you appreciateCopy !req
443. why you can never...Copy !req
444. See you again?Copy !req
445. Exactly.Copy !req
446. It's a kind
of a catch-22.Copy !req
447. Farewell,
my Patty-cake.Copy !req
448. Good night, sweet Principal.Copy !req
449. Bart Simp...Copy !req
450. Oh, Springfield Elementary,
I will have you back again.Copy !req
451. After all...Copy !req
452. tomorrow is another school day!Copy !req
453. And thenCopy !req
454. when I got out
of the service, they, uh...Copy !req
455. well, the next few years
are a blur.Copy !req
456. Patty, where's Skinner?Copy !req
457. We decided
we loved each other enoughCopy !req
458. never to see
each other again.Copy !req
459. I hope I can find
a man like that.Copy !req
460. Are you throwing away
your last chance at happinessCopy !req
461. just for me?Copy !req
462. Yes.Copy !req
463. Thanks.Copy !req
464. Now let's go
get some pancakes.Copy !req
465. Listen, Barney...Copy !req
466. Nah.Copy !req
467. She broke my heart, Moe.Copy !req
468. Don't worry, Barney.Copy !req
469. Time heals all wounds.Copy !req
470. Well, what do you know?Copy !req
471. You're right.Copy !req
472. And look.Copy !req
473. A whole pitcher
to myself.Copy !req
474. ( mumbling )
Skinner.Copy !req
475. I told you
you'd be back.Copy !req
476. Shh!Copy !req