1. Good evening, Ezron,
carver of graven images.
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2. Good evening,
Homer the Thief.
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3. How is business?
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4. Been a little slow
these past few months.
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5. Not much to steal
in the desert, you know.
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6. Do not worry, my friend.
I figure we'll be
wandering out here
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7. another two weeks tops.
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8. Good evening,
Zohar the Adulterer.
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9. My wife sends her
warmest regards.
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10. Ah yes.
She is a good woman— very good.
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11. Thank you,
my lusty friend.
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12. Ooh,
Moses is back.
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13. Quick!
Everybody look busy!
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14. The Lord has handed down to us
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15. ten commandments
by which to live.
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16. I will now read them
in no particular order.
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17. "Thou shalt not make
any graven images."
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18. Oh, my God!
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19. "Thou shalt not
commit adultery."
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20. Ah, well.
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21. Looks like
the party's over.
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22. Hey, Moses,
keep them coming!
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23. "Thou shalt not steal."
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24. D-ohhh!
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25. Sorry, Homer.
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26. That is the most
dishonest thing
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27. I've ever heard!
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28. I should box
your ears!
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29. You... you...
sneaky Pete!
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30. Easy, tiger.
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31. Hey, you easy!
Now get off my property!
Off!
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32. Hey Flanders,
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33. who put that bug
up your butt?
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34. I wanted to subscribe to that
new arts and crafts channel.
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35. Well, sir. They send over this
flimflam man to install it.
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36. You know what he did?
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37. He offered
to hook me up illegally
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38. to every cable channel
for only 50 bucks.
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39. Boy, what's this world
coming to?
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40. That's exactly what I...
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41. Got to go!
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42. Hey, stop, cable man!
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43. Stop!
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44. What do you want?
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45. I want free cable.
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46. So...
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47. This is okay, isn't it?
I mean everybody does it, right?
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48. What? Oh, hey, if you're
having second thoughts
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49. just read this pamphlet.
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50. Uh-huh.
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51. "cable piracy is wrong.
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52. "cable companies
are big, faceless corporations
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53. which makes it okay."
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54. A treasure
that will last a lifetime.
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55. Cable— it's more wonderful
than I dared hope.
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56. Don't you hate it
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57. when you go to the bathroom,
and there's no toilet paper?
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58. Oh, it's funny 'cause it's true.
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59. Oh!
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60. Hey. Hey, family.
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61. Family, come here.
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62. I have an announcement to make.
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63. The Simpsons have cable!
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64. Cable?
Cable?
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65. Far out, man!
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66. That's right.
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67. 68 channels.
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68. MTV for the kids,
VH-1 for us.
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69. 1,600 hours
of quality programming
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70. every day.
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71. We talked about
cable before.
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72. You really think
we can afford it?
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73. Nothing a month.
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74. Yeah, I think we can
swing that.
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75. Are you sure this is legal?
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76. Don't worry Marge.
Take a look at this.
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77. "it's only fair to pay
for quality, first-run movies.
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78. "most movies shown
on cable
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79. get two stars or less
and are repeated ad nauseam."
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80. Hmm, I don't know.
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81. Marge.
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82. Hear Me Roar,
the network for women.
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83. In the next half-hour,
we'll show you how to cut
your first aid bill in half
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84. by making
your own Band-Aids.
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85. Oh, that's
a good idea.
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86. Now before we begin,
you'll need five yards
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87. of sterilized cotton...
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88. El Momeo lo pone
en el sleeper hold!
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89. Donde estan los medicos
De Mexico?
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90. Ooh, pro wrestling
from Mexico.
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91. You know, down there,
it's a real sport.
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92. Cool. This is where Jaws
eats the boat.
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93. Woah. This is where Die Hard
jumps through
the window.
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94. This is where
Wall Street gets arrested.
Ha-ha.
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95. Mr. Speaker,
if I could call your attention
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96. to the retroactive subsidy
appropriations override bill.
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97. I refer you to page 4,500
and...
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98. They must think people
will watch anything.
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99. Live from New Orleans!
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100. This is the World Series
of Cockfighting.
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101. Son of a gun, we'll have fun
on the Bayou tonight.
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102. We'd get there quicker if
I drove my Dad's car.
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103. I don't know, Davey.
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104. Aren't you ready
for church, Homer?
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105. Huh? Wha-?
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106. Oh, okay.
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107. Now, today's Christian
doesn't think he needs God.
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108. He thinks he's got it made.
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109. He's got his hi-fi,
his boob tube
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110. and his instant pizza pie.
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111. Ooh, pizza.
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112. All right, children.
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113. Now, I don't want you
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114. to get frightened
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115. but it's my responsibility
to teach you this.
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116. Today's topic
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117. will be hell.
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118. All right.
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119. I've sat through mercy
and forgiveness.
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120. Finally, we get to
the good stuff.
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121. Oh, hell is
a terrible place.
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122. Maggots are your sheet,
worms your blanket.
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123. There's a lake
of fire burning with sulfur.
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124. You'll be tormented
day and night forever and ever.
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125. As a matter of fact,
If you actually saw hell
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126. you'd be so frightened
you would die.
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127. Oh, Miss Albright?
Yes, Bart?
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128. Wouldn't you eventually
get used to it,
like in a hot tub?
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129. No.
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130. Yes, Bart.
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131. Are there pirates in hell?
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132. Yes, thousands of them.
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133. Ooh-ooh, baby.
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134. So what you're saying is,
there's a down side
to the afterlife.
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135. How does one
steer clear
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136. of this abode
of the damned?
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137. By obeying
The Ten Commandments.
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138. Ten simple rules
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139. that are easy
to live by.
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140. So... what did you children
learn about today?
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141. Hell.
Bart!
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142. Well that's what we
learned about.
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143. I sure as hell can't tell you
we learned about hell
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144. unless I say
hell, can I?
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145. The lad has a point.
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146. Hell, yes.
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147. Bart!
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148. Bart, you're no longer
in Sunday School.
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149. Don't swear.
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150. Hey, anybody up for a little
so-called pay TV?
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151. Are you sure
this isn't stealing?
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152. Read the pamphlet, honey.
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153. Hello, I'm Troy McClure.
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154. You may remember me
from such movies as
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155. Cry Yuma and
Here Comes the Coast Guard.
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156. But today, I'd like
to talk to you about a
pleasant tasting candy
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157. that actually cleans and
straightens your teeth.
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158. Oh, goody,
a program-length advertisement.
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159. Wait a minute, Troy.
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160. I'm a little confused.
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161. Did you say,
"Cleans and straightens"?
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162. There's no confusion, Tina—
just good science.
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163. Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like you to meet
the inventor—
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164. Dr. Nick Riviera.
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165. Thank you, Troy.
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166. Hi, everybody!
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167. Hi, Dr. Nick!
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168. Now, could I have a volunteer?
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169. Somebody with crooked,
yellow teeth.
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170. Come on, Lisa.
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171. Watch a little cable
with us.
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172. It won't cost you
a thing...
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173. except your soul!
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174. What's gotten
into Lisa?
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175. Beats the hell
out of me.
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176. Bart!
Ah!
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177. Mom, what
are you doing?
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178. What? What do you mean?
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179. Don't you remember
the eighth commandment?
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180. Well, of course.
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181. It's "Thou shalt not..."
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182. um... "covet... graven...
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183. images."
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184. Something about "covet."
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185. Thou shalt not steal!
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186. Oh.
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187. Anything else?
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188. Yes, I ate two grapes.
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189. Please charge me for them.
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190. Oh, two grapes?
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191. Who cares?
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192. Just charge me
something, please.
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193. Okay, all right.
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194. I need a price check
on two grapes.
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195. Yeah, you heard me, Phil—
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196. two measly,
stinking grapes.
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197. If you didn't catch it
in the theater
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198. or rent it, or see it
someplace else, we've got it
on The Blockbuster Channel!
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199. Dad, why is the world
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200. such a cesspool of corruption?
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201. Oh, great.
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202. All right, what
makes you say that?
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203. Well, in Sunday School,
we learned that stealing
is a sin.
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204. Well, duh.
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205. But everybody does it.
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206. I mean, we're stealing
cable as we speak.
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207. Oh, uh... look
at it this way—
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208. when you had
breakfast this morning,
did you pay for it?
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209. No.
And did you pay for
those clothes you're wearing?
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210. No, I didn't.
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211. Well, run for the hills,
Ma Barker
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212. before I call the feds!
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213. Dad, I think that's
pretty spurious.
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214. Well thank you, honey.
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215. Friday night
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216. live from Las Vegas,
the ultimate matchup:
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217. Ooh!
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218. It's Watson-Tatum Two.
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219. This time, it's for money!
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220. Oh, boy!
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221. Only on the
Blockbuster Channel!
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222. How can one,
little insulated wire
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223. bring so much happiness?
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224. Hey, big fight coming up.
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225. Yeah, you want to come over to
my house and listen
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226. to round-by-round updates
on the radio?
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227. Oh, yeah, okay, and then
after the fight, we can watch
the still photos
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228. on the 11:00 news.
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229. Not too shabby.
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230. What do you say, Homer?
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231. Eh... we could do that,
uh, yeah...
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232. or we could go over to my house
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233. and watch the whole thing
live on cable TV!
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234. Wow!
Get off!
You're kidding me!
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235. Heh-heh.
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236. Pass the pumice, please.
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237. He's Homer Simpson, sir—
one of your drones
from Sector 7G
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238. Excellent!
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239. I'm so keen on seeing
Watson vs. Tatum Two
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240. I'd even go
to an employee's house.
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241. I can picture it now—
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242. the screen door
rusting off its filthy hinges
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243. mangy dog staggering about
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244. looking vainly
for a place to die.
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245. Permission to speak frankly sir?
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246. Permission granted.
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247. Well, you are quite
wealthy...
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248. Thank you, Smithers.
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249. Your candor is most refreshing.
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250. No, I mean, why don't you pay
for the fight yourself?
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251. Dah! Smithers, a big title fight
is one of those rare occasions
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252. that I savor the sights,
sounds and...
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253. Ah, yes—
the smells of other men.
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254. You haven't lost
the common touch, sir.
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255. So, Homer,
I hear you got the fight.
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256. Yeah,
that's right.
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257. 8:00, my place.
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258. Come one, come all.
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259. All right!
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260. All right! Moe, how come you
never got cable for the bar?
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261. Well, it was either cable
or the mechanical bull.
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262. I made my choice
and I stand by it.
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263. Ooh! Somebody's
having a party.
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264. Friday night—
you want to come over?
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265. Thank you
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266. but this store is open 24 hours.
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267. It puts great demands
on my time.
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268. Too bad. It's going
to be a great fight.
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269. Oh, the fight!
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270. Why didn't you say
something?
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271. I'll get my brother Sanjee
to cover for me.
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272. He deplores all violence
of all kinds.
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273. So, even if a man takes bread
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274. to feed his starving family,
that would be stealing?
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275. No... well, it is if
he puts anything on it.
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276. Jelly, for example.
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277. I see.
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278. Lisa, you're here
for a reason.
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279. Is your father
stealing bread?
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280. Maybe. I don't watch him
every minute.
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281. But what I am sure of is,
we're getting cable for free.
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282. Well, I'm afraid that
is stealing, Lisa
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283. and I think you
must do something.
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284. Should I have my
father arrested?
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285. Well Lisa, on the surface,
that would appear
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286. to be an ideal solution
to the problem
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287. but remember
the fifth commandment—
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288. "Honor thy father
and thy mother."
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289. Lisa, I would like to see
you set an example
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290. by not watching
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291. the offending technology
yourself.
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292. Thank you, Reverend Lovejoy.
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293. You're watching
Top Hat Entertainment—
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294. adult programming,
all day, every day
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295. except in Florida and Utah.
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296. Coming up next:
Stardust Mammaries
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297. Ay, caramba!
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298. Bart!
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299. Dad!
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300. Oh!
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301. Here's what I
was looking for.
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302. Blue chips closed up
3 and 3 quarters.
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303. Oil service stocks
slumped slightly...
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304. Son, you shouldn't watch
that other channel.
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305. It's only for Mommies and
Daddies who love each other
very much.
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306. I want you to promise me
you won't watch that channel
ever again.
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307. - Okay.
- Promise me.
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308. I promise.
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309. I will never watch that
channel again.
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310. Good boy.
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311. Hi Dad. I think
stealing cable is wrong
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312. so I'm choosing
not to watch it
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313. in the hope others
will follow my example
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314. It's the last you'll hear
from me on the matter.
Thank you for your time.
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315. Hey, Lisa...
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316. Racing from Belmont?
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317. Horsies!
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318. Sorry, I'd rather
go to heaven.
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319. There's something wrong
with that kid.
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320. She's so moral.
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321. Why can't she
be more like..?
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322. Well, not like Bart
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323. but there's gotta be
a happy medium.
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324. Well, you know
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325. Bart was looking
at that racy movie today
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326. and Lisa's losing
a little respect for you.
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327. Maybe we should think about...
unhooking the cable.
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328. Unhook it?
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329. But I love cable.
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330. Then maybe you
should pay for it.
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331. D-ohh! Look, Marge
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332. I can't afford it.
When I can afford
to pay for it, I will
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333. but I can't,
so I'm not going to.
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334. Homer
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335. I'm afraid that
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336. cable has become
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337. an evil presence in our home.
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338. - Marge, I never put my foot
down about anything,
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339. No...
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340. but I am severely tempted
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341. to do it over this.
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342. Oh, Homer.
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343. Marge, I'm sorry.
I think it's coming down.
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344. No, Homer...
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345. It's coming down..My foot...
That's it, Marge!
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346. It's coming down.
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347. The cable stays.
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348. The foot has spoken.
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349. Please.
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350. Seen it.
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351. Cleans and straightens...
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352. Seen it.
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353. Seen it.
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354. I was poor...
Seen it.
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355. Ugh, soccer.
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356. Seen it.
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357. Hey, Simpson.
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358. What?
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359. How did you
get in here?
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360. Your door wasn't locked
in any serious way.
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361. I wonder if you'd be
interested in this car stereo?
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362. A $500 value, but I'll let you
have it for 40 bucks.
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363. Get out of my house!
I don't want to associate
with criminals.
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364. Maybe I'll go see
your neighbor.
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365. He's not home.
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366. Even better.
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367. Are you sure
you want do this?
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368. It doesn't
look friendly.
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369. We can't be too careful.
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370. There are thieves are everywhere
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371. and I'm not talking about
the small, forgivable stuff.
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372. Come one, come all.
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373. Top Hat Theater
is on the air.
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374. The most beautiful women
in the world.
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375. Just 50 cents.
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376. I am your host, Bart Simpson.
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377. ( in a disclaimer voice )
You must be at least eight
years old to enter.
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378. And now, the Top Hat Channel
is honored to present
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379. Broadcast Nudes.
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380. Ooh.
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381. Gross!
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382. Yet strangely
compelling.
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383. Huh?
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384. It's a raid!
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385. What the..?
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386. What are these kids..?
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387. Hey!
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388. I know you.
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389. Come back here!
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390. Bart, you promised me you
wouldn't watch that trash.
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391. Now go to your room!
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392. Man, I wish I was an adult
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393. - so I could break the rules.
- Oh great.
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394. Here.
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395. I brought some imported
generic beer.
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396. Thank you, Barney.
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397. How many people
are coming?
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398. Just a select circle
of my friends.
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399. Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer.
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400. I brought an assortment
of jerkies.
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401. Ooh, did you swipe those
from work?
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402. Certainly not.
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403. What has been implied here?
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404. No, there is no love lost
between these two warriors.
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405. In fact, we almost had a scuffle
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406. earlier today
at the weigh-in.
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407. I understand you have
a special motivation
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408. going into this bout.
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409. Yeah. I wanna dedicate
this fight to my
manager Vinnie
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410. who got me here, and then
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411. passed away just two weeks ago.
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412. Any response to that?
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413. Yeth, I would altho like
to dedicate thith fight
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414. to the memory of his
deceased manager.
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415. You can't do that.
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416. I can do
whatever I want.
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417. You dedicate the fight
to your manager.
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418. I just want to call attention
to the fact
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419. that I'm not watching
this fight.
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420. It's my form
of nonviolent protest.
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421. Hi, Homer.
I brought...
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422. Quick!
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423. It's Moe!
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424. I got to hide the mugs.
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425. Will you..?
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426. Hey, go protest
outside, will you?
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427. Now!
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428. Hi, Homer.
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429. I brought you a mug.
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430. Ooh!
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431. Thank you, Moe.
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432. I always wanted one of these.
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433. Mr. Burns!
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434. Bart, quick—
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435. Hide the stuff
I borrowed from work.
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436. Borrowed?
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437. Alright, the stuff
I stole from work.
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438. Oh, okay.
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439. Take all this and this—
put it in the closet.
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440. Will you quit staring
at me like that?
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441. Oh, hello, Simpson.
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442. We were just
in the neighborhood
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443. and thought we'd drop by.
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444. Hello, Mr. Burns.
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445. Would you like
to watch the fight?
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446. The fight?
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447. Don't mind if I do.
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448. Oh, Simpson, good news.
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449. I brought some munchies.
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450. Smithers, the Cheetos.
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451. ( both scream )
Our main event
is set to commence
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452. in but a few scant minutes.
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453. The anticipation...
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454. ( screams )
You Homer Simpson?
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455. Yeah.
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456. Word on the street
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457. is that you have
an illegal cable hookup.
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458. No. It wasn't me.
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459. It was my wife's idea.
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460. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
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461. Settle down, big fella.
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462. We're just wondering
if we could watch the fight.
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463. Oh, sure, sure.
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464. Be my guest.
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465. Lisa, I brought you
some lemonade
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466. for your protest.
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467. Thanks, Mom.
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468. It doesn't seem
to be going very well.
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469. Well, don't give up.
When you love somebody
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470. you have to have faith
that in the end
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471. they will do
the right thing.
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472. The challenger learned
how to fight
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473. in the notorious projects
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474. of Capitol City,
and honed his skills
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475. while serving time
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476. for aggravated assault
and manslaughter
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477. in Springfield Prison.
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478. All right!
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479. A local boy.
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480. For five years,
I was incarcerated
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481. away from my family
and the mother to my
children...
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482. Aggravated assault
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483. manslaughter
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484. stealing cable.
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485. ( echoing: )
cable, cable...
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486. Marge! Lisa!
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487. Maggie!
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488. Shake hands.
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489. Keep it clean.
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490. Come on, boy.
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491. Excuse me.
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492. I hate to interrupt
your judging me
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493. but I wanted you to know
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494. I've made a couple
of really important decisions.
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495. Number one,
I'm cutting the cable
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496. as soon as the fight's over
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497. and number two
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498. I'm not very fond
of any of you.
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499. Well, back to the fight.
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500. Get down, boy.
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501. Dad, we may have
saved your soul.
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502. Tatum is reeling from the
exquisite haymaker...
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503. Yeah, at the worst
possible time.
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504. Eight, nine, ten.
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505. This fight is history.
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506. Stick a fork in it— it's done.
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507. A stunning knockout
by a thunderous bolo punch
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508. in the closing seconds
of the 12th round
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509. and Frederick Tatum
is the new champion
of the world.
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510. Everyone to my place
for blueberry Squishees
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511. and microwave burritos.
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512. The greatest fight ever
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513. and I missed it.
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514. We're really proud
of you, Dad.
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515. What a donnybrook, eh?
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516. Hogwash. Why I once watched
Gentleman Jim Corbett
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517. fight an Eskimo fellow
bare-knuckled
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518. for 113 rounds.
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519. Back then, of course,
if a fight lasted
less then 50 rounds
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520. we demanded our nickel back.
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521. Cable clippers, please.
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522. Here you go, Homey.
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523. Go for it, Dad.
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524. Dad, I beg you to
reconsider.
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525. Tractor pulls,
Atlanta Braves baseball
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526. Joe Franklin.
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527. Hmm...
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528. Whoops.
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529. Third time's a charm.
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530. Shh!
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