The Simpsons 2x13

Directed by Rich Moore

Phil Hartman as Troy McClure (voice) • Tress MacNeille as Additional Voices (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Van Houten / Martin Prince / Additional Voices (voice) • Phil Hartman as Troy McClure / Additional Voices (voice)

Homer becomes the most popular guy in town when he gets an illegal cable hook-up, but Lisa fears he will go to hell for violating the Eighth Commandment.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Good evening, Ezron, carver of graven images.

2. Good evening, Homer the Thief.

3. How is business?

4. Been a little slow these past few months.

5. Not much to steal in the desert, you know.

6. Do not worry, my friend. I figure we'll be wandering out here

7. another two weeks tops.

8. Good evening, Zohar the Adulterer.

9. My wife sends her warmest regards.

10. Ah yes. She is a good woman— very good.

11. Thank you, my lusty friend.

12. Ooh, Moses is back.

13. Quick! Everybody look busy!

14. The Lord has handed down to us

15. ten commandments by which to live.

16. I will now read them in no particular order.

17. "Thou shalt not make any graven images."

18. Oh, my God!

19. "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

20. Ah, well.

21. Looks like the party's over.

22. Hey, Moses, keep them coming!

23. "Thou shalt not steal."

24. D-ohhh!

25. Sorry, Homer.

26. That is the most dishonest thing

27. I've ever heard!

28. I should box your ears!

29. You... you... sneaky Pete!

30. Easy, tiger.

31. Hey, you easy! Now get off my property! Off!

32. Hey Flanders,

33. who put that bug up your butt?

34. I wanted to subscribe to that new arts and crafts channel.

35. Well, sir. They send over this flimflam man to install it.

36. You know what he did?

37. He offered to hook me up illegally

38. to every cable channel for only 50 bucks.

39. Boy, what's this world coming to?

40. That's exactly what I...

41. Got to go!

42. Hey, stop, cable man!

43. Stop!

44. What do you want?

45. I want free cable.

46. So...

47. This is okay, isn't it? I mean everybody does it, right?

48. What? Oh, hey, if you're having second thoughts

49. just read this pamphlet.

50. Uh-huh.

51. "cable piracy is wrong.

52. "cable companies are big, faceless corporations

53. which makes it okay."

54. A treasure that will last a lifetime.

55. Cable— it's more wonderful than I dared hope.

56. Don't you hate it

57. when you go to the bathroom, and there's no toilet paper?

58. Oh, it's funny 'cause it's true.

59. Oh!

60. Hey. Hey, family.

61. Family, come here.

62. I have an announcement to make.

63. The Simpsons have cable!

64. Cable? Cable?

65. Far out, man!

66. That's right.

67. 68 channels.

68. MTV for the kids, VH-1 for us.

69. 1,600 hours of quality programming

70. every day.

71. We talked about cable before.

72. You really think we can afford it?

73. Nothing a month.

74. Yeah, I think we can swing that.

75. Are you sure this is legal?

76. Don't worry Marge. Take a look at this.

77. "it's only fair to pay for quality, first-run movies.

78. "most movies shown on cable

79. get two stars or less and are repeated ad nauseam."

80. Hmm, I don't know.

81. Marge.

82. Hear Me Roar, the network for women.

83. In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first aid bill in half

84. by making your own Band-Aids.

85. Oh, that's a good idea.

86. Now before we begin, you'll need five yards

87. of sterilized cotton...

88. El Momeo lo pone en el sleeper hold!

89. Donde estan los medicos De Mexico?

90. Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico.

91. You know, down there, it's a real sport.

92. Cool. This is where Jaws eats the boat.

93. Woah. This is where Die Hard jumps through the window.

94. This is where Wall Street gets arrested. Ha-ha.

95. Mr. Speaker, if I could call your attention

96. to the retroactive subsidy appropriations override bill.

97. I refer you to page 4,500 and...

98. They must think people will watch anything.

99. Live from New Orleans!

100. This is the World Series of Cockfighting.

101. Son of a gun, we'll have fun on the Bayou tonight.

102. We'd get there quicker if I drove my Dad's car.

103. I don't know, Davey.

104. Aren't you ready for church, Homer?

105. Huh? Wha-?

106. Oh, okay.

107. Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God.

108. He thinks he's got it made.

109. He's got his hi-fi, his boob tube

110. and his instant pizza pie.

111. Ooh, pizza.

112. All right, children.

113. Now, I don't want you

114. to get frightened

115. but it's my responsibility to teach you this.

116. Today's topic

117. will be hell.

118. All right.

119. I've sat through mercy and forgiveness.

120. Finally, we get to the good stuff.

121. Oh, hell is a terrible place.

122. Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket.

123. There's a lake of fire burning with sulfur.

124. You'll be tormented day and night forever and ever.

125. As a matter of fact, If you actually saw hell

126. you'd be so frightened you would die.

127. Oh, Miss Albright? Yes, Bart?

128. Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?

129. No.

130. Yes, Bart.

131. Are there pirates in hell?

132. Yes, thousands of them.

133. Ooh-ooh, baby.

134. So what you're saying is, there's a down side to the afterlife.

135. How does one steer clear

136. of this abode of the damned?

137. By obeying The Ten Commandments.

138. Ten simple rules

139. that are easy to live by.

140. So... what did you children learn about today?

141. Hell. Bart!

142. Well that's what we learned about.

143. I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell

144. unless I say hell, can I?

145. The lad has a point.

146. Hell, yes.

147. Bart!

148. Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School.

149. Don't swear.

150. Hey, anybody up for a little so-called pay TV?

151. Are you sure this isn't stealing?

152. Read the pamphlet, honey.

153. Hello, I'm Troy McClure.

154. You may remember me from such movies as

155. Cry Yuma and Here Comes the Coast Guard.

156. But today, I'd like to talk to you about a pleasant tasting candy

157. that actually cleans and straightens your teeth.

158. Oh, goody, a program-length advertisement.

159. Wait a minute, Troy.

160. I'm a little confused.

161. Did you say, "Cleans and straightens"?

162. There's no confusion, Tina— just good science.

163. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor—

164. Dr. Nick Riviera.

165. Thank you, Troy.

166. Hi, everybody!

167. Hi, Dr. Nick!

168. Now, could I have a volunteer?

169. Somebody with crooked, yellow teeth.

170. Come on, Lisa.

171. Watch a little cable with us.

172. It won't cost you a thing...

173. except your soul!

174. What's gotten into Lisa?

175. Beats the hell out of me.

176. Bart! Ah!

177. Mom, what are you doing?

178. What? What do you mean?

179. Don't you remember the eighth commandment?

180. Well, of course.

181. It's "Thou shalt not..."

182. um... "covet... graven...

183. images."

184. Something about "covet."

185. Thou shalt not steal!

186. Oh.

187. Anything else?

188. Yes, I ate two grapes.

189. Please charge me for them.

190. Oh, two grapes?

191. Who cares?

192. Just charge me something, please.

193. Okay, all right.

194. I need a price check on two grapes.

195. Yeah, you heard me, Phil—

196. two measly, stinking grapes.

197. If you didn't catch it in the theater

198. or rent it, or see it someplace else, we've got it on The Blockbuster Channel!

199. Dad, why is the world

200. such a cesspool of corruption?

201. Oh, great.

202. All right, what makes you say that?

203. Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.

204. Well, duh.

205. But everybody does it.

206. I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.

207. Oh, uh... look at it this way—

208. when you had breakfast this morning, did you pay for it?

209. No. And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?

210. No, I didn't.

211. Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker

212. before I call the feds!

213. Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.

214. Well thank you, honey.

215. Friday night

216. live from Las Vegas, the ultimate matchup:

217. Ooh!

218. It's Watson-Tatum Two.

219. This time, it's for money!

220. Oh, boy!

221. Only on the Blockbuster Channel!

222. How can one, little insulated wire

223. bring so much happiness?

224. Hey, big fight coming up.

225. Yeah, you want to come over to my house and listen

226. to round-by-round updates on the radio?

227. Oh, yeah, okay, and then after the fight, we can watch the still photos

228. on the 11:00 news.

229. Not too shabby.

230. What do you say, Homer?

231. Eh... we could do that, uh, yeah...

232. or we could go over to my house

233. and watch the whole thing live on cable TV!

234. Wow! Get off! You're kidding me!

235. Heh-heh.

236. Pass the pumice, please.

237. He's Homer Simpson, sir— one of your drones from Sector 7G

238. Excellent!

239. I'm so keen on seeing Watson vs. Tatum Two

240. I'd even go to an employee's house.

241. I can picture it now—

242. the screen door rusting off its filthy hinges

243. mangy dog staggering about

244. looking vainly for a place to die.

245. Permission to speak frankly sir?

246. Permission granted.

247. Well, you are quite wealthy...

248. Thank you, Smithers.

249. Your candor is most refreshing.

250. No, I mean, why don't you pay for the fight yourself?

251. Dah! Smithers, a big title fight is one of those rare occasions

252. that I savor the sights, sounds and...

253. Ah, yes— the smells of other men.

254. You haven't lost the common touch, sir.

255. So, Homer, I hear you got the fight.

256. Yeah, that's right.

257. 8:00, my place.

258. Come one, come all.

259. All right!

260. All right! Moe, how come you never got cable for the bar?

261. Well, it was either cable or the mechanical bull.

262. I made my choice and I stand by it.

263. Ooh! Somebody's having a party.

264. Friday night— you want to come over?

265. Thank you

266. but this store is open 24 hours.

267. It puts great demands on my time.

268. Too bad. It's going to be a great fight.

269. Oh, the fight!

270. Why didn't you say something?

271. I'll get my brother Sanjee to cover for me.

272. He deplores all violence of all kinds.

273. So, even if a man takes bread

274. to feed his starving family, that would be stealing?

275. No... well, it is if he puts anything on it.

276. Jelly, for example.

277. I see.

278. Lisa, you're here for a reason.

279. Is your father stealing bread?

280. Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.

281. But what I am sure of is, we're getting cable for free.

282. Well, I'm afraid that is stealing, Lisa

283. and I think you must do something.

284. Should I have my father arrested?

285. Well Lisa, on the surface, that would appear

286. to be an ideal solution to the problem

287. but remember the fifth commandment—

288. "Honor thy father and thy mother."

289. Lisa, I would like to see you set an example

290. by not watching

291. the offending technology yourself.

292. Thank you, Reverend Lovejoy.

293. You're watching Top Hat Entertainment—

294. adult programming, all day, every day

295. except in Florida and Utah.

296. Coming up next: Stardust Mammaries

297. Ay, caramba!

298. Bart!

299. Dad!

300. Oh!

301. Here's what I was looking for.

302. Blue chips closed up 3 and 3 quarters.

303. Oil service stocks slumped slightly...

304. Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel.

305. It's only for Mommies and Daddies who love each other very much.

306. I want you to promise me you won't watch that channel ever again.

307. - Okay. - Promise me.

308. I promise.

309. I will never watch that channel again.

310. Good boy.

311. Hi Dad. I think stealing cable is wrong

312. so I'm choosing not to watch it

313. in the hope others will follow my example

314. It's the last you'll hear from me on the matter. Thank you for your time.

315. Hey, Lisa...

316. Racing from Belmont?

317. Horsies!

318. Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.

319. There's something wrong with that kid.

320. She's so moral.

321. Why can't she be more like..?

322. Well, not like Bart

323. but there's gotta be a happy medium.

324. Well, you know

325. Bart was looking at that racy movie today

326. and Lisa's losing a little respect for you.

327. Maybe we should think about... unhooking the cable.

328. Unhook it?

329. But I love cable.

330. Then maybe you should pay for it.

331. D-ohh! Look, Marge

332. I can't afford it. When I can afford to pay for it, I will

333. but I can't, so I'm not going to.

334. Homer

335. I'm afraid that

336. cable has become

337. an evil presence in our home.

338. - Marge, I never put my foot down about anything,

339. No...

340. but I am severely tempted

341. to do it over this.

342. Oh, Homer.

343. Marge, I'm sorry. I think it's coming down.

344. No, Homer...

345. It's coming down..My foot... That's it, Marge!

346. It's coming down.

347. The cable stays.

348. The foot has spoken.

349. Please.

350. Seen it.

351. Cleans and straightens...

352. Seen it.

353. Seen it.

354. I was poor... Seen it.

355. Ugh, soccer.

356. Seen it.

357. Hey, Simpson.

358. What?

359. How did you get in here?

360. Your door wasn't locked in any serious way.

361. I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo?

362. A $500 value, but I'll let you have it for 40 bucks.

363. Get out of my house! I don't want to associate with criminals.

364. Maybe I'll go see your neighbor.

365. He's not home.

366. Even better.

367. Are you sure you want do this?

368. It doesn't look friendly.

369. We can't be too careful.

370. There are thieves are everywhere

371. and I'm not talking about the small, forgivable stuff.

372. Come one, come all.

373. Top Hat Theater is on the air.

374. The most beautiful women in the world.

375. Just 50 cents.

376. I am your host, Bart Simpson.

377. ( in a disclaimer voice ) You must be at least eight years old to enter.

378. And now, the Top Hat Channel is honored to present

379. Broadcast Nudes.

380. Ooh.

381. Gross!

382. Yet strangely compelling.

383. Huh?

384. It's a raid!

385. What the..?

386. What are these kids..?

387. Hey!

388. I know you.

389. Come back here!

390. Bart, you promised me you wouldn't watch that trash.

391. Now go to your room!

392. Man, I wish I was an adult

393. - so I could break the rules. - Oh great.

394. Here.

395. I brought some imported generic beer.

396. Thank you, Barney.

397. How many people are coming?

398. Just a select circle of my friends.

399. Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer.

400. I brought an assortment of jerkies.

401. Ooh, did you swipe those from work?

402. Certainly not.

403. What has been implied here?

404. No, there is no love lost between these two warriors.

405. In fact, we almost had a scuffle

406. earlier today at the weigh-in.

407. I understand you have a special motivation

408. going into this bout.

409. Yeah. I wanna dedicate this fight to my manager Vinnie

410. who got me here, and then

411. passed away just two weeks ago.

412. Any response to that?

413. Yeth, I would altho like to dedicate thith fight

414. to the memory of his deceased manager.

415. You can't do that.

416. I can do whatever I want.

417. You dedicate the fight to your manager.

418. I just want to call attention to the fact

419. that I'm not watching this fight.

420. It's my form of nonviolent protest.

421. Hi, Homer. I brought...

422. Quick!

423. It's Moe!

424. I got to hide the mugs.

425. Will you..?

426. Hey, go protest outside, will you?

427. Now!

428. Hi, Homer.

429. I brought you a mug.

430. Ooh!

431. Thank you, Moe.

432. I always wanted one of these.

433. Mr. Burns!

434. Bart, quick—

435. Hide the stuff I borrowed from work.

436. Borrowed?

437. Alright, the stuff I stole from work.

438. Oh, okay.

439. Take all this and this— put it in the closet.

440. Will you quit staring at me like that?

441. Oh, hello, Simpson.

442. We were just in the neighborhood

443. and thought we'd drop by.

444. Hello, Mr. Burns.

445. Would you like to watch the fight?

446. The fight?

447. Don't mind if I do.

448. Oh, Simpson, good news.

449. I brought some munchies.

450. Smithers, the Cheetos.

451. ( both scream ) Our main event is set to commence

452. in but a few scant minutes.

453. The anticipation...

454. ( screams ) You Homer Simpson?

455. Yeah.

456. Word on the street

457. is that you have an illegal cable hookup.

458. No. It wasn't me.

459. It was my wife's idea.

460. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

461. Settle down, big fella.

462. We're just wondering if we could watch the fight.

463. Oh, sure, sure.

464. Be my guest.

465. Lisa, I brought you some lemonade

466. for your protest.

467. Thanks, Mom.

468. It doesn't seem to be going very well.

469. Well, don't give up. When you love somebody

470. you have to have faith that in the end

471. they will do the right thing.

472. The challenger learned how to fight

473. in the notorious projects

474. of Capitol City, and honed his skills

475. while serving time

476. for aggravated assault and manslaughter

477. in Springfield Prison.

478. All right!

479. A local boy.

480. For five years, I was incarcerated

481. away from my family and the mother to my children...

482. Aggravated assault

483. manslaughter

484. stealing cable.

485. ( echoing: ) cable, cable...

486. Marge! Lisa!

487. Maggie!

488. Shake hands.

489. Keep it clean.

490. Come on, boy.

491. Excuse me.

492. I hate to interrupt your judging me

493. but I wanted you to know

494. I've made a couple of really important decisions.

495. Number one, I'm cutting the cable

496. as soon as the fight's over

497. and number two

498. I'm not very fond of any of you.

499. Well, back to the fight.

500. Get down, boy.

501. Dad, we may have saved your soul.

502. Tatum is reeling from the exquisite haymaker...

503. Yeah, at the worst possible time.

504. Eight, nine, ten.

505. This fight is history.

506. Stick a fork in it— it's done.

507. A stunning knockout by a thunderous bolo punch

508. in the closing seconds of the 12th round

509. and Frederick Tatum is the new champion of the world.

510. Everyone to my place for blueberry Squishees

511. and microwave burritos.

512. The greatest fight ever

513. and I missed it.

514. We're really proud of you, Dad.

515. What a donnybrook, eh?

516. Hogwash. Why I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett

517. fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled

518. for 113 rounds.

519. Back then, of course, if a fight lasted less then 50 rounds

520. we demanded our nickel back.

521. Cable clippers, please.

522. Here you go, Homey.

523. Go for it, Dad.

524. Dad, I beg you to reconsider.

525. Tractor pulls, Atlanta Braves baseball

526. Joe Franklin.

527. Hmm...

528. Whoops.

529. Third time's a charm.

530. Shh!