1. Do you two have to sit
so close to the TV?Copy !req
2. Back up or it
will hurt your eyes.Copy !req
3. Oh, it will not.Copy !req
4. Oh, yes, it will.Copy !req
5. Our next movie is McBain.Copy !req
6. Another 'shoot-em-up push them
through the plate-glass-window'
splatterfestCopy !req
7. from the Hollywood
cookie cutter.Copy !req
8. Here's a typically
brainless scene.Copy !req
9. Senator Mendoza is one of the
most respected citizens in the
state, McBainCopy !req
10. and yet you ran his limo
off a cliff, broke the necks of
three of his bodyguardsCopy !req
11. and drove a bus
through his front door?Copy !req
12. Captain, I have proof that he's
head of an international drug
cartel.Copy !req
13. I don't want
to hear it, McBain!Copy !req
14. You're out of here!Copy !req
15. That makes two of us.Copy !req
16. All right,
McBain!Copy !req
17. "That makes two of us..."Copy !req
18. I can't believe we're
talking about the same movie.Copy !req
19. I thought McBainCopy !req
20. was a non-stop roller coasterCopy !req
21. of chills, thrills, spills
and kills.Copy !req
22. And that chase at the end,
my friend?Copy !req
23. Are you nuts?
That movie stinks like your
creepy one-bedroom apartment.Copy !req
24. Your mother didn't think
it was so creepy.Copy !req
25. My mother! Real mature. I'm sick
of your grade-school insults.Copy !req
26. I love watching
the bald guy argueCopy !req
27. with the fat tub of lard.Copy !req
28. Hey!Copy !req
29. What gives?Copy !req
30. Dad, do something!Copy !req
31. All right,
all right.Copy !req
32. Time for Doctor TVCopy !req
33. to perform
a little surgery.Copy !req
34. Umph!Copy !req
35. Looks like you lost
a patient, doc.Copy !req
36. Shut up, boy.Copy !req
37. Cheap Chinese TV.Copy !req
38. Why did I ever buy it?Copy !req
39. Is that better?Copy !req
40. No!
No!Copy !req
41. Stupid th- How's this?Copy !req
42. Oh, no. Okay.Copy !req
43. Everybody remain calm.Copy !req
44. Hey everybody. If you look
real close, you can kind of
make them out.Copy !req
45. Hey, yeah.
Yeah, I think I can.Copy !req
46. I think this is sick.Copy !req
47. You're staring at a dot.Copy !req
48. She's right!
She's right!Copy !req
49. Oh, how I miss TV!Copy !req
50. Dear God,
just give me one channel!Copy !req
51. Homer, it's not
the end of the world.Copy !req
52. You know, before
we got marriedCopy !req
53. we hardly ever
watched television.Copy !req
54. You lie.Copy !req
55. Bart!Copy !req
56. It's true, Bart.Copy !req
57. We used to shoot pool
and go dancing.Copy !req
58. How romantic.Copy !req
59. A lot of times we'd stay
at home, and talk
just like this.Copy !req
60. I'm living it,
but I ain't loving it.Copy !req
61. It's so hard
to picture you two then.Copy !req
62. Hand in hand
at the crossroads
of life.Copy !req
63. There's so many
questions.Copy !req
64. Pick one.Copy !req
65. Okay. Uh...Copy !req
66. How did Dad
propose to you?Copy !req
67. Oh, well...Copy !req
68. Well, uhCopy !req
69. Miss Bouvier,
I think we've found the reasonCopy !req
70. why you've been
throwing upCopy !req
71. in the morning.Copy !req
72. Congratulations.Copy !req
73. D-ohhh!Copy !req
74. Oh...Copy !req
75. Lisa, I'd rather
tell youCopy !req
76. a different story—Copy !req
77. How your father
and I first metCopy !req
78. and fell in love.Copy !req
79. We were seniors
in high schoolCopy !req
80. but we had never even met.Copy !req
81. Ugh. Gross.Copy !req
82. Hey, Homer,
you're late for English.Copy !req
83. Pfft. English. Who needs that?Copy !req
84. I'm never going
to England.Copy !req
85. Come on.
Let's go smoke.Copy !req
86. I'm for equal rightsCopy !req
87. but do we really need
a whole amendment?Copy !req
88. Come on, Marge.
Don't you think you deserveCopy !req
89. to earn just as much as
a man who does the same job?Copy !req
90. Well, not if I have to do
heavy lifting or math.Copy !req
91. Oh, Marge.Copy !req
92. You really ought
to read this.Copy !req
93. Oh, the shop kids
are smoking again.Copy !req
94. Oh no. We're late
for wood shop.Copy !req
95. But we're early for lunch.
Let's go grab a burger.Copy !req
96. Boy, you never
stop eatin' and you
don't gain a pound.Copy !req
97. It's my metabomalism.Copy !req
98. I guess I'm just one
of the lucky ones.Copy !req
99. Well, well, well.
If it isn't Homer Simpson
and Barney GumbleCopy !req
100. Springfield's answer
to Cheech and Chong.Copy !req
101. Allow me, gentlemen.Copy !req
102. You just bought yourselves
three days of detention—
you know where and when.Copy !req
103. 3:00, Old Building, Room 106.Copy !req
104. In another article, I found outCopy !req
105. that to hire professionalsCopy !req
106. to do all the jobs
of a housewife—Copy !req
107. who, incidentally,
is not married to a house—Copy !req
108. would cost $48,000 a year.Copy !req
109. Right on, sister!Copy !req
110. The first step to liberation
is to free ourselvesCopy !req
111. from these
male-imposed shackles.Copy !req
112. I didn't think it
would burn so fast.Copy !req
113. I guess it's
the tissue paper inside.Copy !req
114. Miss Bouvier,
I am surprised.Copy !req
115. You just bought yourself
one day of detention.Copy !req
116. You know where and when.Copy !req
117. Well, no, I don't.
Actually I've never—Copy !req
118. 3:00, Old Building,
Room 106.Copy !req
119. Hi, Estelle?Copy !req
120. Will you go
to the prom with me?Copy !req
121. I wouldn't go to the prom
with you if you were
Elliott Gould.Copy !req
122. Oh, shot down again.Copy !req
123. Hey, don't worry,
Barney. It's a big school.Copy !req
124. There's got to be a girl
nobody else wants
to take to the prom.Copy !req
125. Excuse me,
is this room 106?Copy !req
126. Hey, who's that?Copy !req
127. I...Copy !req
128. I don't know.
( "Close to You" playing )Copy !req
129. Oh.Copy !req
130. Hey. Would you
like to go..?Copy !req
131. She's mine.Copy !req
132. So, what are you in for?Copy !req
133. I'm a political prisoner.Copy !req
134. Last time I ever take a stand.Copy !req
135. Well, I'm here
for being me.Copy !req
136. Every day I show up.
I act like meCopy !req
137. and they slap me in here.Copy !req
138. Simpson, be quiet.Copy !req
139. I haven't seen you
in school before.Copy !req
140. Okay, Simpson.Copy !req
141. What?Copy !req
142. You just bought yourself
another day of detention.Copy !req
143. Maybe we should
get together sometime-Copy !req
144. Two days.Copy !req
145. I'm sorry.
I don't even
know your name.Copy !req
146. Three days.
I'm HomerCopy !req
147. Four days.
J.Copy !req
148. Five days.
Simpson.Copy !req
149. It was worth it.Copy !req
150. Six days!Copy !req
151. Okay, Simpson,
to the back of the room.Copy !req
152. So, it was love at first sight.Copy !req
153. It was a jailhouse romance, man.Copy !req
154. I reached step one—
she knew I existed.Copy !req
155. The only problem was
she didn't care.Copy !req
156. What's the matter, boy?Copy !req
157. Nothing.Copy !req
158. You haven't said 'booh' all
night,Copy !req
159. and usually I have to wrestle
the bucket out of your greasy
mitts.Copy !req
160. Dad, I'm in love.Copy !req
161. Uh-oh.Copy !req
162. Grab yourself a beer, boy.Copy !req
163. But Dad, I don't drink.Copy !req
164. Cut the crap.Copy !req
165. "I just collect the cans,
Daddy."Copy !req
166. Now grab yourself a beer
and get me one too.Copy !req
167. Now. This girlfriend of yours—
is she a real looker?Copy !req
168. Uh-huh.Copy !req
169. A lot on the ball?Copy !req
170. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
171. Oh, son, don't overreach.Copy !req
172. Go for the dented car,
the dead-end jobCopy !req
173. the less
attractive girl.Copy !req
174. Oh, well, I blame myself.Copy !req
175. I should have had this talk
a long time ago.Copy !req
176. Thanks, pop.Copy !req
177. A-b-c-d-e-f-g-h-i-
j-k-l-m-n-o-p-s.Copy !req
178. Hi, I'm Homer Simpson.Copy !req
179. I need some guidance, counselor.Copy !req
180. Okeydokey.Copy !req
181. Good Lord.Copy !req
182. Simpson, you should have come
to see me a long time ago.Copy !req
183. Yeah, maybe, but I just met
this girl Marge BouvierCopy !req
184. and I want to force
her to like me.Copy !req
185. That's not exactly the
type of guidance I give.Copy !req
186. Oh...Copy !req
187. I like to think
I do something helpfulCopy !req
188. for every student
"N" through "Z."Copy !req
189. The only advice I can
give you is..Copy !req
190. try to share
common interests
and spend, spend, spend.Copy !req
191. What interests does she have
that I could make common?Copy !req
192. Oh, I believe she's very
active on the Forensics Team.Copy !req
193. They meet in the
new building.
Room 219.
Far out!Copy !req
194. Homer, do you have any plans
for after graduation?Copy !req
195. Me? I'm going to drink a lot of
beer and stay out all night.Copy !req
196. Oh, no, I meant career wise.Copy !req
197. That nuclear power plant
will be opening soon.Copy !req
198. It's one of the
few outfits aroundCopy !req
199. that won't require
a college education.Copy !req
200. Me? In a nuclear power plant...Copy !req
201. Kaboom!Copy !req
202. But bringing up a son—Copy !req
203. even a blind one—Copy !req
204. isn't a lifetime
occupation.Copy !req
205. Now the more
you help himCopy !req
206. the more you hurt him.
( class applauds )Copy !req
207. Woe unto ShelbyvilleCopy !req
208. should they
underestimate
our strengthCopy !req
209. in dramatic
interpretation.Copy !req
210. Thank you, Artie.Copy !req
211. My name's Homer Simpson.
I'd like to sign up
for something.Copy !req
212. Well, we have an opening
on the Debate team.Copy !req
213. Debate? Like arguing?Copy !req
214. Yes.Copy !req
215. I'll take thatCopy !req
216. you stinkpot!Copy !req
217. Just warming up,
Mrs. Bloomenstein.Copy !req
218. This year's topic isCopy !req
219. The national speed limitCopy !req
220. should be lowered
to 55 miles per hour.Copy !req
221. 55? That's ridiculous.Copy !req
222. Sure, that will save a few livesCopy !req
223. but millions will be late.Copy !req
224. Why don't you take 'con'.Copy !req
225. Hmm...Copy !req
226. No way.Copy !req
227. Our current speed limitCopy !req
228. - is an anachronism.
- Ignoramus.Copy !req
229. Will you shut up.Copy !req
230. Wait a minute.
That word you keep
calling me—Copy !req
231. Ignoramus.
Ignoramus?Copy !req
232. It means I'm stupid,
doesn't it?Copy !req
233. There is a difference
between ignorance and stupidity.Copy !req
234. Not to me there isn't...
you.. ignoramus.Copy !req
235. Homer...Copy !req
236. You're the ignoramus.Copy !req
237. Homer, would you like
to present your rebuttal?Copy !req
238. With pleasure.Copy !req
239. ( sighs )
Ay, caramba!Copy !req
240. Hello.Copy !req
241. Hello.Copy !req
242. You may not remember me.Copy !req
243. I'm Homer Simpson.Copy !req
244. I mooned for rebuttal.Copy !req
245. Yes, I remember.Copy !req
246. So, you want
to go out with me?Copy !req
247. Well, I, uh...Copy !req
248. I don't think
you're my type.Copy !req
249. Well, you seeCopy !req
250. the problem is
you don't know me.Copy !req
251. I have references.Copy !req
252. Just ask.. coach FlanaganCopy !req
253. and ask Mr. SakofskyCopy !req
254. and Barney Gumble.Copy !req
255. I don't know.Copy !req
256. I'm not asking you
to like me.Copy !req
257. I'm not asking you to put
yourself in the position
where I can touch your goodies.Copy !req
258. I'm just asking you
to be fair.Copy !req
259. Homer Simpson? Oh, yeah.Copy !req
260. Junior varsity shot-putter.Copy !req
261. I think if he applies himselfCopy !req
262. trains real hard,
hits the weightsCopy !req
263. he could go another foot.Copy !req
264. I had him for four years.Copy !req
265. Solid "C" student.Copy !req
266. Made a lamp last year.Copy !req
267. He's all things to all men
and maybe to one lucky gal.Copy !req
268. Want to go to the prom
with me?Copy !req
269. Good God, no!Copy !req
270. Well put.Copy !req
271. Well, what's the good word?Copy !req
272. I'm sorry.Copy !req
273. What?Copy !req
274. You seem like
a nice enough guyCopy !req
275. but I don't really
don't have the timeCopy !req
276. and the City Forensics
Championship is coming up.Copy !req
277. Yeah, so?Copy !req
278. And I tutor part time.Copy !req
279. You tutor?Copy !req
280. Yes.Copy !req
281. And anyone can be tutored?Copy !req
282. Just those who need help
with French.Copy !req
283. French.Copy !req
284. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
285. What a coincidence.Copy !req
286. Just the subject
I'm having trouble with.Copy !req
287. Why, you cagey old dog.Copy !req
288. Great story.Copy !req
289. Positively spellbinding.Copy !req
290. Work, damn you!Copy !req
291. Bart! Pay attention.Copy !req
292. You may be telling this
to your own son one day
if something breaks.Copy !req
293. Ooh, lost a few.Copy !req
294. Well, there's plenty more
where that came from.Copy !req
295. Uh-oh, a zit.Copy !req
296. No problemo.Copy !req
297. The perfect crime.Copy !req
298. Hello.Copy !req
299. Why is there
make-out music on?Copy !req
300. It helps me study.Copy !req
301. Well, not me.Copy !req
302. Shut it offCopy !req
303. and let's get
down to business.Copy !req
304. Crayon.Copy !req
305. Bien.Copy !req
306. Fen... etre.Copy !req
307. Bien.Copy !req
308. Femme.Copy !req
309. Tres bien.Copy !req
310. Well, I should
probably be going.Copy !req
311. I have a big forensics
meet tomorrow.Copy !req
312. Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
313. Don't go, don't go.Copy !req
314. Wait. Wait.Copy !req
315. Why don't we take
a little study break.Copy !req
316. Mr.
Keep it down!Copy !req
317. Homer, you're amazing.Copy !req
318. Before, you couldn't
say bonjourCopy !req
319. but now you can conjugateCopy !req
320. all the regular verbs,
two irregular verbsCopy !req
321. and sing the first verse
of "Alouette."Copy !req
322. Bien.Copy !req
323. I can't believe it.Copy !req
324. It's sticking.Copy !req
325. You're telling me new stuffCopy !req
326. and minutes later,
it's still there.Copy !req
327. And it's all thanks to you.Copy !req
328. Marge, when I see you forming
the vowels and continents...Copy !req
329. Consonants.Copy !req
330. Consonants with
your beautiful mouthCopy !req
331. and your beautiful breathCopy !req
332. pushing them past
your beautiful teeth...Copy !req
333. Merci, I guess.Copy !req
334. Marge...Copy !req
335. would you go
to the prom with me?Copy !req
336. You know, HomerCopy !req
337. you're like no one
I've ever met before.Copy !req
338. You're dear,
honest and openCopy !req
339. without a trace
of pretension.Copy !req
340. I'll take that as a compliment.Copy !req
341. So will you
go out with me?Copy !req
342. Please say oui.Copy !req
343. Oui.Copy !req
344. Whoo hoo Marge!
This will beCopy !req
345. the greatest night
of your life.Copy !req
346. I've been saving up
for a new engine for my carCopy !req
347. but I'm gonna spend it
all on us—Copy !req
348. I'm renting
the biggest limoCopy !req
349. I'm gonna buy you
the biggest corsage.Copy !req
350. My tux is gonna have
the widest lapels,
the most rufflesCopy !req
351. and the highest
platform shoes you ever saw.Copy !req
352. Maybe I'll wear
my hair... up.Copy !req
353. Wait, wait, wait, Marge.Copy !req
354. If honest and open
is what you likeCopy !req
355. get a load of this.Copy !req
356. I'm not really
in any French class.Copy !req
357. This was just a brilliant scheme
to get to know you better.Copy !req
358. Hmm!
( smack )Copy !req
359. Ow.Copy !req
360. You knew the city Forensics
finals are tomorrowCopy !req
361. and you kept me here
until 1:00 a.m.Copy !req
362. pretending to be stupid!Copy !req
363. Homer J. Simpson,
I hate you!Copy !req
364. Hey, Barney.Copy !req
365. Guess who's got a date
for the prom!Copy !req
366. Everything I know tells me
this story doesn't endCopy !req
367. with us sitting here
and you telling it to us.Copy !req
368. Get off the edge of your seat.Copy !req
369. They got married, had kids
and bought a cheap TV, okay?Copy !req
370. Bringing up a son,
even a blind oneCopy !req
371. isn't a lifetime occupation.Copy !req
372. Now the more you.. help himCopy !req
373. - Terrible.
- the more you hurt him.Copy !req
374. Hmmm.Copy !req
375. Congratulations, Artie.Copy !req
376. Marge, this may not be
the most appropriate forumCopy !req
377. for what I'm about to put forthCopy !req
378. but, ahem.. would you go
to the prom with me?Copy !req
379. Well...Copy !req
380. I can think of a dozen
highly cogent arguments.Copy !req
381. The first is from Time Magazine.
Dated January 8th 1974.Copy !req
382. "America's love affair
with the prom.Copy !req
383. "Even wallflowers
can look forwardCopy !req
384. - to one date a year..."
- No Artie, Artie...Copy !req
385. The best argumentCopy !req
386. is that I've known and
respected you for eight yearsCopy !req
387. and I would be delighted
to go to the prom with you.Copy !req
388. If you pinch your cheeks,
they'll glow.Copy !req
389. A little more.Copy !req
390. Try to break
some capillaries, dear.Copy !req
391. Couldn't we just use rouge
for this?Copy !req
392. Ladies pinch.Copy !req
393. Whores use rouge.Copy !req
394. Is Marge here?Copy !req
395. Who...Copy !req
396. or what
are you?Copy !req
397. I'm her date.Copy !req
398. Um-hum.
I supposeCopy !req
399. you want to come in
and sit down?Copy !req
400. Okay.Copy !req
401. Marge's datesCopy !req
402. get homelier all the time.Copy !req
403. That's what you get
when you don't put out.Copy !req
404. You know, I usually insist
on approving Marge's datesCopy !req
405. but from what she's told me,
I'm sure you're a solid citizen.Copy !req
406. Thanks,
Mr. B.Copy !req
407. Mrs.
Here she comes.Copy !req
408. Get the camera ready.Copy !req
409. Homer!Copy !req
410. What are you doing here?Copy !req
411. You said you'd go
to the prom with me.Copy !req
412. I also said I hated you,Copy !req
413. and we haven't even
talked since then.Copy !req
414. I was afraid you'd
cancel our date,Copy !req
415. ( doorbell rings )
so I stayed away
from you completelyCopy !req
416. even though it meant
skipping school for three weeksCopy !req
417. and graduating this summer...
I hope.Copy !req
418. I'm Artie Ziff,
Marge's date for the prom.Copy !req
419. Well, hello.Copy !req
420. Well, hello, hello.Copy !req
421. Don't we look handsome?Copy !req
422. Yes, indeed, we do.Copy !req
423. Well, come in,
young man.Copy !req
424. Wait a second.Copy !req
425. If he's your date,
who are you?Copy !req
426. I'm... a spare.Copy !req
427. Excuse me.Copy !req
428. Now that that unpleasantness
is behind us foreverCopy !req
429. let's take a picture
of the happy couple.Copy !req
430. Say "cheese whiz."Copy !req
431. Hey, buddy,Copy !req
432. Where's your date?Copy !req
433. She's with him.Copy !req
434. Ouch.Copy !req
435. So I guess you want me to
take you home, huh?Copy !req
436. Hey! I paid for this carCopy !req
437. I paid for this tuxedo
and I paid for the two dinners.Copy !req
438. We're going to the prom.Copy !req
439. Prom it is.Copy !req
440. Don't dance too closely now.Copy !req
441. Have a good time.Copy !req
442. Wait a second.Copy !req
443. Is that a bong?Copy !req
444. You have asthma?Copy !req
445. All right,
move along.Copy !req
446. Homer Simpson.Copy !req
447. I thought you dropped out.Copy !req
448. You wish, Donderlinger.Copy !req
449. That's Mr. Donderlinger.Copy !req
450. Steak or chicken?Copy !req
451. One of each, please.Copy !req
452. Coming through!
Barney!Copy !req
453. That young man's bought himself
about a decade of detention.Copy !req
454. Children, we have
tabulated your votes.Copy !req
455. The king and queenCopy !req
456. of Springfield High School's
class of 1974 are...Copy !req
457. Artie Ziff and Marge Bouvier.Copy !req
458. Oh, isn't it great?Copy !req
459. Hail Queen Marge!Copy !req
460. Long live the queen!Copy !req
461. Hello, classmates.Copy !req
462. Instead of voting
for some athletic heroCopy !req
463. or a pretty boyCopy !req
464. you have elected me,
your intellectual superiorCopy !req
465. as your king.Copy !req
466. Good for you.Copy !req
467. Very well said.Copy !req
468. Now your king and queenCopy !req
469. will share
their first royal dance.Copy !req
470. I got to get out of here.Copy !req
471. Homer?Copy !req
472. What?Copy !req
473. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
474. Why can't you accept
that I'm hereCopy !req
475. with someone else?Copy !req
476. Because I'm sure
we were meant
to be together.Copy !req
477. Usually when I have
a thoughtCopy !req
478. there's a lot of
other thoughts
in there.Copy !req
479. Something says yes,
something says noCopy !req
480. but this time, there's only yes.Copy !req
481. How could the only thing
I've ever been sure about
in my life be wrong?Copy !req
482. Hmm... I don't know,
but it is.Copy !req
483. Well, where to now, Romeo?Copy !req
484. Inspiration Point.Copy !req
485. Okay, but I'm only paid
to drive.Copy !req
486. Gee, Artie... Artie, wait.Copy !req
487. I don't know. It was
a beautiful evening.Copy !req
488. Let's not ruin it.Copy !req
489. Just this.Copy !req
490. Artie, please...Copy !req
491. Come on, kiss me.Copy !req
492. Oh, Artie.Copy !req
493. No really, I mean it!Copy !req
494. Now stop it!Copy !req
495. I'm sorry, Marge.Copy !req
496. Take me home, Artie.Copy !req
497. Well, it's 1:00.Copy !req
498. If you want to keep meCopy !req
499. I'm afraid it's going
to be $45 an hour.Copy !req
500. Nah, that's okay.Copy !req
501. I'm broke.Copy !req
502. I'll walk home.Copy !req
503. Yeah, why spoil
a perfect evening?Copy !req
504. Marge, I would appreciate itCopy !req
505. if you didn't tell anybody
about my busy hands.Copy !req
506. Not so much for myself,
but I am so respectedCopy !req
507. it would damage the town
to hear it.Copy !req
508. Good night.Copy !req
509. Yeah, right.Copy !req
510. Mr.
You know, when that
Simpson boy showed up,Copy !req
511. it took years off my life.Copy !req
512. Mrs.
Will you stop it?
She went out with the good one.Copy !req
513. Shut up!Copy !req
514. I'm over as far as I can go.Copy !req
515. All right! All right!Copy !req
516. I'll walk in the mud!Copy !req
517. Homer?Copy !req
518. Marge?Copy !req
519. Yeah. You want a ride?Copy !req
520. Sure.Copy !req
521. You know, Homer.
When I got home,
I realizedCopy !req
522. who I should have gone
to the prom with.Copy !req
523. Who?Copy !req
524. Oh.Copy !req
525. Hi, prom date.Copy !req
526. Marge, pour vous.Copy !req
527. Why so glum?Copy !req
528. I got a problem.Copy !req
529. Once you stop this carCopy !req
530. I'm going to hug you
and kiss youCopy !req
531. and then I'll never be able
to let you go.Copy !req
532. And I never have.Copy !req
533. Shh!Copy !req