The Simpsons 2x10

1. Gah!

2. Uh-oh.

3. I think the boy's hurt.

4. For crying out loud.

5. Just give him a nickel, and let's get going.

6. ( honks horn ) I think we should call an ambulance, sir.

7. Hey, cool.

8. I'm dead.

9. Please hold on to the handrail.

10. Do not spit over the side.

11. Por favor, aguantese en la baranda.

12. No escupa...

13. Aunt Hortense... Great Grampa Simpson.

14. Snowball.

15. Do not spit over the side.

16. We told you to hold on to the handrail.

17. We asked you not to spit over the side.

18. Howdy, stranger.

19. I'm Bart Simpson.

20. Who the hell are you?

21. Please allow me to introduce myself.

22. I'm the devil.

23. ( evil laugh ) And you've earned eternal damnation

24. for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart.

25. Spitting off the escalator just clinched it.

26. Hey, I'm innocent, man.

27. Innocent, huh?

28. Everybody's innocent.

29. Okay.

30. Let's just pull up your file here.

31. Hmm... seems to be a mistake.

32. According to this, you're not due to arrive here

33. until the next time the Yankees win the pennant.

34. That's nearly a century from now.

35. Boy, is my face red.

36. Bart? Bart?

37. Say, is there anything I can do

38. to avoid coming back here?

39. Oh, sure, yeah, but you wouldn't like it.

40. Okay. See you later, then.

41. Good-bye, Bart.

42. Remember... lie, cheat, steal

43. and listen to heavy metal music.

44. Yes, sir.

45. Doctor Warner, you're wanted in radiology, please.

46. He's awake!

47. Oh, Bart, we thought for a minute

48. you'd gone away from us.

49. I did go away, Mom.

50. I was miles and miles and miles away

51. writhing in agony in the pits of hell

52. and you were there.

53. And you and you and you...

54. You I've never seen before.

55. Yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.

56. Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.

57. Here's my card.

58. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.

59. Ooh, classy.

60. I'd like to talk to you about bringing legal action

61. against the fiend who did this to your boy.

62. Well, the fiend who did this to my boy is my boss.

63. Besides, the doctor says

64. it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe. Nothing serious.

65. Doctors. Doctors are idiots.

66. There's no telling what kind of permanent injuries he might have.

67. You might have to wait on him hand and foot

68. for the rest of his natural life.

69. That's the downside.

70. Now here's the good part.

71. - You can ching, ching, ching, cash in on this tragedy. - Wow.

72. Excuse me, Mr. Hutz.

73. Are you a shyster?

74. How does a nice little girl like you, know a big word like that?

75. Mr. Hutz, this is hardly the time or place

76. to discuss this.

77. You're right, you're right. When you feel up to it

78. come over to my office and we'll talk about it.

79. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.

80. What's that, a broken neck? Great!

81. Hello, Dr. Hibbert.

82. Hello, Lisa.

83. Well, we've got a nasty bump on our head, haven't we?

84. Ow! Quit it.

85. And a little tiny broken toe.

86. Ow. quit it.

87. Is he well enough for me to mother him unbearably?

88. Mmm, better let him rest up a while first.

89. Hey, Simpson

90. I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.

91. Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless

92. I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...

93. Simpson.

94. - Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now. - Uh-oh.

95. Ah, Simpson, at last we meet.

96. Nice to meet you too, sir.

97. My attorneys have advised me

98. to pay you for running over your child

99. so I'm cutting you a check.

100. Really? Great.

101. $100. Of course, you'll have to sign a waiver

102. relinquishing your right to sue and so forth. Merely a formality.

103. A hundred bucks?

104. It's a very generous offer, sir, but medical bills alone...

105. Oh, so extortion is the name of your little game, is it Simpson?

106. Very well. Then you get nothing.

107. I have the finest lawyers in Springfield.

108. Tangle with me

109. and I'll crush you like a paper cup.

110. Throw him out, Smithers.

111. You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns.

112. I can throw myself out.

113. Ooh... Lionel Hutz.

114. Right in here, Mr. Simpson.

115. Any calls, Della?

116. Calls? Oh, calls.

117. Yes, uh, the Supreme Court called again.

118. They need your help on some freedom thing.

119. Tell them to sit tight.

120. I'll get back to them.

121. This way, Mr. Simpson.

122. You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz.

123. Yes, Harvard, Yale

124. M.I.T., Oxford, The Sorbonne, The Louvre...

125. ( siren begins wailing ) Oh. Oh, well.

126. Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me

127. from promising you a big cash settlement

128. but just between you and me

129. I promise you a big cash settlement.

130. My fee is 50%.

131. 50%?

132. You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson.

133. You'll also be getting

134. this exquisite fauxpearl necklace— a $99 value—

135. as our gift to you.

136. Well, I don't know.

137. You and I might have different ideas

138. about just how big a big cash settlement is.

139. A million dollars?

140. Whoo, hoo! I stand corrected.

141. A million bucks is a-okay.

142. Now we'll get a real doctor's opinion.

143. Bad news.

144. Oh?

145. Your son is a very sick boy.

146. Just look at the x-rays.

147. You see that dark spot there?

148. Whiplash.

149. Whiplash? Oh, no.

150. And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint?

151. No, that's trauma.

152. Mmm.

153. Am I gonna die?

154. Yes, son.

155. Homer!

156. No, of course you're not going to die.

157. Everything's fine.

158. Will I ever play baseball again?

159. No!

160. But I played baseball this morning.

161. That's right, he did.

162. Excuse me, but Dr. Hibbert has been

163. our family physician for years

164. and he thought Bart was fine.

165. Oh, Dr. Hibbert

166. ( sarcastically ) from Johns Hopkins Medical School.

167. With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson.

168. you're not a doctor.

169. The boy's not a doctor. I'm not a doctor.

170. The only person in this room who even comes close

171. is this man.

172. Stop, you're embarrassing me.

173. Doctor, are you sure there isn't soft tissue trauma

174. in the facial area?

175. Oh, yeah, tons of it.

176. Just say when.

177. A million dollars?

178. Smithers! I want this Homer J. Simpson fired.

179. Do you think that's wise?

180. Think of the headlines.

181. Hmm?

182. Hmm?

183. Ooh.

184. What about the headlines?

185. The press might be critical of you

186. for firing the crippled boy's father so soon after the accident.

187. Well, all right then.

188. I don't want to seem like an ogre.

189. I'll bide my time.

190. Let him twist in the wind slowly, slowly.

191. Then, when the papers have found their new flavor of the month

192. they'll find out this cat has claws!

193. Good thinking, sir.

194. Mr. Now let's pretend

195. you're on the witness stand.

196. - How are you, Bart? - Fine.

197. ( pleasantly ) Oh fine, isn't that nice? Bart says he's fine.

198. Wrong! You are not fine!

199. You're in constant pain!

200. I am in constant pain.

201. Dad, may I please make an observation?

202. What is it?

203. I think this is all a charade

204. to make Bart look more injured

205. than he really is.

206. Maybe Lisa does have a point.

207. I don't mind you boys doing this in the living room,

208. but in court, doesn't Bart have to tell the truth?

209. Yeah, but what is truth? If you follow me..

210. Now Bart, can you roll your eyes back in your head like this?

211. You mean like I'm dead?

212. Yeah, sure.

213. The kid's a pro.

214. Springfield Municipal Court is now in session

215. Judge Multon presiding.

216. Your honor, my client has instructed me

217. to remind the court how rich and important he is.

218. That he is not like other men.

219. I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

220. Mr. Burns

221. I must warn you

222. that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way,

223. I will have to cite you for contempt.

224. You wouldn't dare.

225. Well, no, I guess I wouldn't.

226. Calling Bartholomew J. Simpson to the stand.

227. Aw...

228. Oh, please.

229. Hello, Bart.

230. Now you know the difference

231. between telling the truth and telling a lie

232. don't you, son?

233. Maybe.

234. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States

235. would you, Bart?

236. No. No.

237. No.

238. Good.

239. Proceed, Mr. Hutz.

240. Thank you, your honor. Bart, tell the jury

241. in your own words

242. exactly what happened on the day of the accident.

243. Yes, sir.

244. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

245. I was playing in my wholesome, childlike way

246. little realizing that I was about to be struck down

247. by the luxury car of death.

248. Defenseless child at 3 o' clock.

249. Luckily, I was not killed that day

250. although sometimes, I wish I had been.

251. Oh, he's lying.

252. Now that's believable testimony.

253. Hmmm. Hmmm.

254. Mr. Burns, would you please relate in your own words

255. exactly what really happened on the day of the accident?

256. Certainly. It was a beautiful day.

257. The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys.

258. Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy

259. darted in front of me.

260. Ahh!

261. Oh, my goodness.

262. Look what's happened.

263. It's not important, sir.

264. Let's drive on.

265. Why, you despicable, cold-blooded monster.

266. Regardless of what you think, we will summon help and comfort the dear boy

267. until an ambulance arrives.

268. No!

269. Take me!

270. I'm old!

271. That's what happened.

272. What are you

273. looking at me like that for?

274. You believed his cock-and-bull story.

275. It's looking good, Mr. Simpson.

276. It's looking very, very good.

277. They hate me?

278. What trial were you watching?

279. Maybe a settlement...

280. Oh, yes, settlements, fine.

281. Hang your heads in shame

282. you over-priced, under-brained, glorified notary publics!

283. Just get that big ape to my house tonight,

284. and we'll buy him off with a banana or two.

285. and that ugly customer

286. was the last Indonesian rhino on Earth.

287. I didn't know you liked animals.

288. Oh, I don't like everything about them—

289. just their heads.

290. Would you care for some wine, old buddy?

291. Don't mind if I do.

292. Go, go.

293. Bottoms up, Simpson.

294. There's plenty more

295. where that came from.

296. - Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk? - Yes.

297. Now then Homer, old chum. I'm sure you'll agree with me that this trial

298. is an affront to our collective dignity.

299. What do you say we settle this man-to-man?

300. You mean duke it out?

301. Oh, no.

302. I mean I'm prepared to offer you

303. a most generous cash settlement.

304. A princely sum...

305. well, a handsome sum

306. that can end this little imbroglio

307. once and for all.

308. $500,000.

309. Goodness.

310. Don't answer me now.

311. Relax, talk it over with the missus.

312. Soak in the opulence of your surroundings

313. and dream of what might be.

314. Smithers, let's go powder my nose.

315. Well, Marge, what do you think?

316. Well I don't know. Maybe we should take his money

317. and put all this ugliness behind us.

318. The fish is in the pan.

319. What do you think, Homer?

320. I'll tell you what I think.

321. I think he thinks I'm an idiot!

322. The only reason

323. he's offering us this

324. is because he knows he's gonna lose at trial

325. and have to pay us a cool million.

326. Oh! I feel faint.

327. $500,000!

328. I spit on his $500,000!

329. Hmm.

330. Homer, what's happened to you?

331. All this greediness and lying

332. and shifty lawyers and phony doctors...

333. Phony doctors? Hello.

334. Do you know what I'd settle for, if it was up to me?

335. Bart's medical bills and an apology.

336. And you won't even get that.

337. Sorry. Offer's expired.

338. I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide. 12 good men and true.

339. Good day.

340. Smithers, release the hounds.

341. Your honor

342. I would like to call to the stand

343. Mrs. Homer J. Simpson.

344. uth

345. and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

346. Yes, I do.

347. She sounded like

348. she was taking that awful seriously.

349. Oh, the truth.

350. Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert

351. mean anything to you?

352. Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend

353. ever since the day I became a mother.

354. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo

355. with competence and loving care.

356. But wait a minute.

357. I'm confused.

358. This court heard expert testimony

359. from one Dr. Nick Riviera.

360. What is your opinion of him?

361. Mmm.

362. Mrs. Simpson?

363. I'm sorry, but my mother always said

364. if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

365. Will that hold up in court?

366. No, I've tried it before.

367. Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion of Dr. Riviera?

368. And let me remind you that you're under oath.

369. Well, to be honest, he seemed a lot more concerned

370. about wrapping Bart in bandages

371. than making him feel better.

372. He mispronounced words that I know

373. like abdomen.

374. And his office was dirty.

375. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor.

376. D-ohhh!

377. And Mrs. Simpson

378. could you describe for us in your own words

379. Bart's intense mental anguish

380. and suffering?

381. I don't know how intense it was.

382. Uh-huh.

383. I guess he did miss three days of school

384. although he doesn't really like school

385. all that much, so I guess

386. that may not count as anguish.

387. No, it doesn't.

388. It was a little hard on me

389. having him around the house all that time.

390. Could you put a dollar amount on all these hardships?

391. We pay Bart five dollars a week to take out the trash.

392. I suppose if he'd been able to do it that week

393. we might have given him the $5.

394. Five dollars?

395. But your lawyer, assuming he is a lawyer

396. is asking for a million.

397. Well, we can't blame them for trying, can we?

398. Thank you very much, Mrs. Simpson.

399. ( sobbing: ) Oh, Marge!

400. I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper.

401. It's not quite as large as the last one

402. but I think you'll find it fair.

403. I think we should take it.

404. A million dollars.

405. My wife cost me a million dollars.

406. Homer, would you like more macaroni and cheese?

407. A million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman.

408. No, thank you.

409. Some string beans?

410. No I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing back-stabbing...

411. Uh-oh, better answer.

412. No, thank you.

413. Some celery with cream cheese on it?

414. Just mouth polite nothings.

415. No, thank you.

416. You know what would have really been cool?

417. If we got that million bucks.

418. Bart, please.

419. What? We could have bought tons of great stuff, Mom.

420. Maids, a pool, fancy sweaters—

421. Stop me if I'm wrong.

422. Marge, dear

423. would it be alright if I went over to Moe's for a drink?

424. Why, sure.

425. (thinking) I don't know

426. if I'll ever come back here.

427. Good night.

428. My woman's intuition is telling me something.

429. Oh, my God.

430. Well, that's it.

431. I guess this is the glass I'm gonna die in.

432. You're better off.

433. Rich people aren't happy.

434. From the day they're born till the day they die

435. they think they're happy, but trust me, they ain't.

436. Moe. I wish he'd shut up.

437. Hey. Hubba-hubba.

438. Yow! A chick!

439. And it's not even ladies night.

440. Hey, hey, guys.

441. Knock it off.

442. It's just my wife.

443. Well, hello.

444. Va-va-voom.

445. My name is Marge.

446. Homer, I'd like you to forgive me

447. for doing the right thing.

448. Oh, Marge.

449. We've squabbled over money before. Never this much.

450. I know this is different than that time

451. I washed your pants with the 20 in the pocket.

452. No, no, no.

453. You think this is about money?

454. Well, it's not.

455. It's worse, Marge.

456. I'm afraid that from now on, when I look at you

457. I'm not gonna see the wife by my side

458. or the mother of my children.

459. I'm just gonna see the dame who blew my one big chance.

460. - What are you saying, Homer? - I'm saying..

461. She's been your wife for ten years.

462. You've had three children together.

463. It's time to be honest with her.

464. I'm not sure

465. I love you anymore.

466. But don't worry.

467. I'll never let on.

468. I'll still do all the bed stuff.

469. Maybe it won't be so bad.

470. Oh, my Lord!

471. I don't want to wait another minute to find out

472. whether you love me anymore.

473. I think that you should look me in the eyes and find out.

474. No.

475. Homer, look at me.

476. Shut her up.

477. Start with the feet.

478. Still angry.

479. Good. Good, Homer. Good.

480. This is tough.

481. Need refreshment.

482. Ah, good old trustworthy beer.

483. My love for you will never die.

484. Got to look at the wife straight in the eyes

485. and tell her...

486. Oh, who am I kidding?

487. I love you more than ever.

488. I love you too.

489. Sorry to scare you like that, babe.

490. Okay, everybody.

491. For the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher.

492. Hey, one per customer.

493. Domestic beer only.

494. Hey, no sharing.

495. Shh!