1. Ooh!
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2. D'oh!
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3. So, what prank are you
going to lead off with?
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4. The exploding pen.
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5. Don't think
I've heard of it.
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6. Let the games begin.
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7. Simpson, that is a rebuilt
Yugoslavian engine.
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8. There isn't even
a Yugoslavia anymore!
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9. Bring it back at once!
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10. You're the boss.
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11. Stupid punishment.
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12. I hate hard work,
unless it's on pranks.
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13. Shiny enough to see
Skinner's ugly face.
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14. Come with me.
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15. I'll grill your cheese yet, boy.
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16. You weren't the first prankster
to destroy
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17. the car I rent from mother,
and you won't be the last.
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18. "Rent"?
Rent to own.
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19. Just 35 more payments,
and it's halfway mine.
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20. The point is, I've seen
hooligans like you come and go.
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21. You're all just a big blur
of short pants
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22. and sinister smiles.
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23. Well, maybe so,
but I'm the best.
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24. The best of your era, maybe.
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25. Are you saying there was a
kid that was worse than me?
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26. Way worse.
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27. Anyway, think
no more about it.
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28. You're dismissed.
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29. Wait! Wait!
If there's someone worse,
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30. I have to know who he is.
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31. "He"?
It's a she?
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32. Just kidding,
it's a guy.
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33. But let's not dwell
on a mysterious figure
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34. from the past who was
your superior in every way.
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35. Out you go.
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36. Milhouse, there was
a guy who pulled
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37. even bigger pranks than me!
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38. Wow! Imagine his sidekick.
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39. Man, if he lost
that giant inhaler,
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40. he'd really be in trouble
with his parents.
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41. Hmm.
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42. Okay, everyone!
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43. Snack time!
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44. I've got milk and cookies.
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45. Hydroxeos?
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46. Marge, how could you?
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47. Those cookies are full of
high fructose corn syrup
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48. and partially
hydrogenated oils.
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49. Have you even read
the books I've read?
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50. But this is
from the Kwik-E-Mart.
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51. You and your husband
work there.
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52. I would sooner pour
the polluted water of the Ganges
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53. down their gullets than give
them this carton
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54. of cow cancer
you call "milk."
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55. Sorry. I didn't know.
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56. Marge, until you start
serving healthy food,
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57. the Midday Mommies are
pulling you from snack rotation.
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58. Hydrogenated, ugh!
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59. Mm-hmm.
A prankster that awesome
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60. must've made
the school paper.
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61. Hmm. Lis,
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62. I just discovered
something weird.
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63. Ten years ago,
this paper didn't publish
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64. for two whole weeks.
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65. Now, before the gap,
look at Skinner.
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66. Hmm.
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67. And here he is
after the gap.
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68. Hmm, something must've
happened during those two weeks
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69. to turn Skinner from cool to,
as you would say, "tool."
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70. I know what happened:
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71. the ultimate prank.
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72. A prank that changed
Skinner from cool to tool.
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73. Is that a backhoe
behind him?
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74. Huh.
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75. It is!
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76. Zoom in and enhance.
Mm.
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77. Willie!
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78. He must know the answer.
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79. Before you go,
can you distribute
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80. these newspapers
throughout the school?
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81. Well, I'd be a pretty
lousy brother if I didn't.
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82. Willie, I know
you witnessed
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83. the most awesome prank
since creation.
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84. Can you tell me about it?
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85. I'll nae speak to ye
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86. of those dark times,
Bart Simpson.
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87. But if there was
a more awesome dude than I,
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88. I've got to know who he was,
what he did
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89. and how many days
detention he got.
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90. Something happened.
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91. Something that changed
Skinner and you.
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92. I haven't changed!
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93. I've always been
Swim Teacher Willie
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94. and I always will be!
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95. See, oh...
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96. All right, I'll tell ya.
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97. Years ago,
this school had a pool.
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98. I was an eager, young swim
coach, teaching American youth
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99. the revolutionary
Aberdeen crawl.
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100. It was a talented group,
and we were
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101. all set to go
to the state finals.
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102. I shaved and waxed
the boys myself.
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103. Then came
the Night of the Wigglers.
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104. What an awesome day!
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105. Yo, Skin-man!
Little help?
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106. Right back at you, Jason.
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107. Stay in school.
I will.
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108. I am so stoked
for my daily swim.
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109. Had he stopped whistlin'
and looked down,
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110. the world wouldn't
have changed that night.
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111. But he didn't, and it did.
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112. Worms!
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113. He spent all weekend in that
crypt full of creepy-crawlies.
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114. Monday was
teacher development day,
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115. so Skinner wasn't rescued
till Tuesday morn.
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116. And by then, he was the twisted
monster you see today.
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117. Shut this pool down,
Groundskeeper Willie.
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118. Willie. Bart.
Monster.
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119. So my ass isn't the baddest
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120. in the history
of this school!
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121. Who did it, Willie?
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122. His name is Andy Hamilton.
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123. Andy Hamilton.
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124. But whatever you do,
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125. never tell me where
you learned his name,
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126. or I'll kill
whoever told you!
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127. Marge, what
are you doing?
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128. This junk food has got to go.
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129. It's full of chemicals,
trans fats
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130. and hard-pore corn.
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131. No!
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132. Don't worry, my sweets!
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133. I'll put out the fire!
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134. Homie, no!
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135. That topping
is a petroleum by-product!
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136. Ow!
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137. "Andy Hamilton,
53 Hyperion Drive."
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138. Bart, it's not
always a good idea
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139. to meet your hero.
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140. I once followed Santa home
from the department store,
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141. and what I saw
wasn't pretty.
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142. I can't live my life,
knowing there might be
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143. someone better than me
at the one thing I'm good at.
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144. Entré and partay!
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145. Krazy Glue!
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146. Bart, you've been pranked!
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147. Eh, it needs a topper.
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148. And look, some idiot
left glue loosener
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149. just lying around!
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150. Ah! Here it comes.
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151. Ay, caramba!
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152. Man, it is an honor
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153. to meet the guy
who wormed Skinner.
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154. You know, when I was your age,
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155. we couldn't film
our pranks for YouTube.
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156. It was local news or nothing.
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157. Potato chip?
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158. Hmm, wait a minute.
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159. Are there spring snakes
in this can?
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160. No, no-no, no-no, no-no.
Give me some credit.
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161. It's a real snake.
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162. Whoa!
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163. Don't worry, it's defanged.
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164. Although he can still
rub poison on you
with his gums.
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165. I would really wash
that arm if I were you.
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166. Can I go home now?
You should probably wait.
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167. You're going to be
very sleepy for the
next few hours.
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168. Isn't this the best
day of your life?
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169. So, you want to be
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170. Springfield Elementary's
next Andy Hamilton?
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171. Then you'll have to top
these awesome pranks.
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172. The bear traps
in gym class.
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173. The fire in
the drinking fountain.
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174. And, of course,
the fake heart attack
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175. on an international flight.
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176. They had to land
the plane in Nairobi!
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177. Some chick missed
her own wedding!
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178. I am impressed.
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179. Oh, Andy has the perfect life.
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180. All he does is reminisce
about his pranks.
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181. And when his mom
gets home from work,
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182. she makes him whatever
sandwich he wants.
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183. This Andy sounds
like kind of a loser.
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184. How could someone so
much like me be a loser?
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185. Would a loser have showed me
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186. how to put printer's ink
in a bottle of shampoo?
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187. I've never felt so clean!
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188. Yeah, but, uh, uh...
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189. Dad, Lisa's making me see
things from both sides again!
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190. Lisa, I warned
you about that!
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191. Shouldn't Bart have all
the information he needs
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192. to make an informed decision?
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193. Well, you...
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194. Now you're doing
it to me!
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195. Oh!
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196. Mom, what would you do
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197. if someone you cared
about might be a loser,
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198. but they thought
they were awesome?
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199. Are you talking
about your father?
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200. That loser? No.
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201. I'm talking about this guy who's
19 and never really grew up.
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202. Well, when you care
about someone,
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203. it's not out of line
to give them a gentle push
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204. in the right direction.
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205. Got it. Did you
wash those carrots?
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206. No.
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207. You could have washed them
after you cut them,
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208. but now they're
done for.
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209. Oh!
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210. Well, I don't like the looks
of this place, Marge.
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211. I don't see any standees
for chips, standees for soda.
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212. I don't see any standees at all!
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213. From now on, our family
is eating healthy food
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214. that looks bad on the shelf,
but good in our colon.
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215. Why is that man
carrying a purse?
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216. That's a reusable
grocery bag.
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217. This store doesn't
use plastic bags,
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218. because they end
up in the ocean
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219. and upset jellyfish
mating rituals.
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220. Stupid horny jellyfish—
neutering our dudes.
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221. Hmm.
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222. Almond butter,
soy milk,
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223. non-soy dairy-based
soy sauce,
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224. steel-cut spelt husk,
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225. Chef Soy-ar-dee soy-based
spaghetti and soy balls,
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226. free-range gluten,
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227. ultra-vegan
invisible cheese...
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228. You know, you don't have
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229. to read the items aloud.
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230. I know what they are.
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231. Okay, that comes to $790.
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232. 800 bucks?
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233. Oh, wait. I didn't see
these blueberries.
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234. $830.
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235. Fine, but we're going
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236. to a regular grocery store
next week.
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237. A week?
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238. Without preservatives,
this food won't last a day.
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239. Look.
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240. Oh!
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241. Huh.
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242. Well, I guess, uh,
they can go either way.
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243. Oh, God!
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244. Oh, I'm in
horrible pain!
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245. Andy, man,
is this the way
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246. you want to spend
the rest of your life?
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247. Having to borrow spray paint
from a ten-year-old kid?
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248. I told you, okay?
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249. I'll pay you back when
I get my allowance.
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250. I mean, not this one,
but the one after next.
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251. Oh, God,
you're right.
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252. Look, I think
I can get you a job.
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253. Krusty owes me a favor
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254. after I perjured myself for him
during a deposition.
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255. You would get me a job?
Thank you, man.
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256. Um, I would keep that on
for the interview.
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257. Hey, hey, if it isn't
my old friend... you!
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258. Krusty, I need a favor.
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259. For you kid, anything,
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260. anything at all!
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261. Although I won't
read screenplays.
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262. That's for your protection.
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263. Oh, and you can't ride
on my private jet.
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264. And I won't give a struggling
young comic his first chance,
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265. I won't give a broken-down hack
his last chance,
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266. I won't buy you kids booze.
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267. The judge was very clear
on that.
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268. Now, what can I do for you?
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269. Oh, and I don't sign footballs
unless you're dying,
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270. and it reverts back to me after
six months if you're not dead.
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271. As my new second assistant,
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272. you've got to drive me
from my office to the stage,
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273. and if you see anybody
I've screwed over on the way,
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274. avoid them!
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275. Whoa! Ex-wife!
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276. Former writing partner!
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277. Bookie!
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278. Dog I abandoned!
A.A. sponsor!
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279. Love child!
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280. Tiddly.
Wink.
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281. Tiddly.
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282. Wink. Didn't Andy
start work today?
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283. Yes. Tiddly.
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284. Then why is he standing
in our driveway?
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285. Wink.
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286. You're supposed
to be at work!
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287. I tried, man, but he was, like,
"Do this thing."
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288. And I'm, like, "Why, dude?"
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289. And he's, like, "I'm your boss!"
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290. And I'm, like, "I quit."
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291. Then you're, like, "You're
supposed to be at work, man."
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292. Then I'm, like, "What?"
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293. You quit after one day?
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294. Yeah.
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295. But today wasn't
a total loss.
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296. On the way home,
I got this—
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297. an ice cube with
a fly in it.
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298. If that was in your drink,
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299. you'd be, like,
"I'm not drinking that!"
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300. I stuck my neck out for you,
and you screwed it up!
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301. We're not losers!
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302. No, you two
are winners.
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303. Big winners.
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304. When I grow up,
I want to marry a big
winner like you guys.
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305. Shut up!
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306. It's healthy
snack time!
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307. Is it?
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308. We've got sulfite-free
grape juice
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309. and homemade, organic,
non-gluten,
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310. fair-trade zucchini cupcakes!
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311. Oh!
Oh!
They don't rise by themselves,
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312. so I was up all night
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313. blowing air bubbles into them
with a straw.
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314. Mmm! Delicious!
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315. What percent milk fat
unsalted butter did you use
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316. to grease the cupcake tray?
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317. None percent.
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318. I used a nonstick pan.
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319. Don't you know that nonstick
pans are made with P.F.O.A.s?
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320. Oh, boy, here it comes.
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321. There is only one thing more
dangerous than P.F.O.A.s, Marge.
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322. Plastics made with B.P.A.s.
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323. Never, ever let your child near
any product with the number...
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324. Seven!
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325. Good Lord,
they've been sucking seven! Oh!
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326. All right, Andy.
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327. It was not easy
to get your job back.
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328. You did me a solid, man.
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329. And I promise you,
I will not leave this job
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330. unless I flake
or it becomes bogus.
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331. No, that's not
good enough.
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332. I want you to shake my hand
as a fellow prankster
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333. and swear you will
try your best.
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334. Psych!
Psych!
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335. We have a deal.
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336. Marge?
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337. Sorry I'm late.
I was working overtime,
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338. so we'd have extra money
to buy fruit salad.
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339. Honey, what are
you doing?
Hmm?
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340. Nothing!
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341. Nothing!
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342. It's okay.
You can tell me.
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343. I found your stash.
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344. You found the precious!
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345. I know, I know.
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346. I've eaten
your trans fats,
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347. your red dye number two.
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348. Even this!
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349. Oh, Marge, I'm seeing
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350. a brand-new
side of you— me.
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351. More Lard Glug, my sweet?
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352. I never want to stop.
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353. Did you know
that Lard Glug
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354. contains neither
lard nor glug?
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355. From now on,
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356. we'll only make
the kids eat healthy.
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357. I can't believe
Andy's lasted a week.
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358. Yeah, to congratulate him,
I got him the most
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359. grown-up thing I could
think of: a Caesar salad.
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360. Excuse me, I'm looking
for Stage 6.
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361. I've got a delivery
for a Mr. Andy Hamilton.
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362. Right over there.
Oh, thank you.
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363. Louie, have you
seen Andy?
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364. I think he's gonna
ruin the show!
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365. Eh, he's about
20 seasons too late.
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366. Now, to dive in this pool
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367. of clear, blue water.
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368. Put me down!
You're ruining the bit!
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369. No! I won't see you end up
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370. like Skinner,
twisted and deranged.
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371. Watch the Krusty Show,
they tell me.
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372. You'll forget your troubles,
they tell me.
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373. Uh, how much
do you weigh?
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374. Oh, 180, maybe 190.
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375. Plus I'm wearing about 30
pounds of pancake makeup
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376. and I'm always packing heat.
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377. Plus the owner's manual
for my Cadillac.
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378. I wanted warm water,
not worm water.
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379. What's going on?
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380. Krusty needed a bit.
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381. And I got a great one.
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382. Thanks to my new
head writer, Andy Hamilton.
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383. Bart, thank you for believing
I could grow up.
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384. My pranking days
are over, for good.
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385. What's gotten into you, man?
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386. Andrew, I wanted
to show you something
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387. in the make-out room—
uh, makeup room.
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388. I'll be right there
in a minute, babe.
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389. Looks like I just bought
some property on Boner Way.
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390. So now Andy's a TV writer.
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391. Loser.
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392. Loser!
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393. Shh!
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