The Simpsons 16x18

Directed by Nancy Kruse

Fantasia Barrino as Clarissa Wellington (voice) • Karl Wiedergott as Additional Voices (voice) • Pamela Hayden as Milhouse (voice)

Lisa agrees to enter a Krusty-sponsored "Li'l Starmaker" competition and panics when another contestant (guest voice Fantasia Barrino) outperforms her.

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1. The Simpsons

2. D'oh!

3. Call the police.

4. I need change for a dollar.

5. No change without purchase.

6. What's the cheapest thing you've got?

7. A 2-ounce bag of chips, $5.99.

8. $5.99? What a rip-off! Someone should shoot you.

9. Aw! I was hoping we'd miss the 3:00 holdup.

10. I don't know what to do for dinner now.

11. Maybe we could shop somewhere else.

12. There's a farm stand next door.

13. Interesting.

14. It's like a corndog without the dog.

15. Put whatever you want in this burlap sack.

16. You may not. That's my baby carrier!

17. They so traumatized, I'm taking 'em for a walk in they's stroller.

18. Well, I think this family should try more vegetarian meals.

19. We'd feel better and live longer.

20. Vegetables, you've been promoted from side dish to entree.

21. I don't miss meat at all!

22. This Portobello mushroom eats like a steak.

23. A rubbery, fungus-like steak.

24. Oh, Marge, I'm giving birth to a food baby!

25. Oh!

26. I feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap.

27. Bart, don't use that word...

28. Crap!

29. I brought you some weak tea and dry toast.

30. No fair. Lisa didn't get sick.

31. It's 'cause your bodies are so used to processed food,

32. it's a shock when you eat vegetables full of vitamins, minerals,

33. and trace amounts of bug feces.

34. Uh...

35. Hmm.

36. I think it's staying down.

37. It's staying down!

38. It's not staying down! Wait, yeah. It's staying down!

39. Oh, no! It's not! Yes, it is.

40. No, it's not! Yeah.

41. No! Yep! No! Yep! No!

42. Yep, no, yep, no, yep, no.

43. Stop it!

44. You'll all feel better if you get a little sleep. Now, close your eyes.

45. Where's my bucket? Oh.

46. Hush, little baby don't say a word

47. Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird

48. And if that mockingbird don't sing

49. And if that diamond ring turns brass

50. Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass

51. Lisa sings so sweetly. And Bart is my pillow.

52. Everyone's good for something.

53. Looks like you guys are on the mend.

54. Yeah, 'cause we're through with vegetables.

55. From now on, I'm only eating food that I know had a soul.

56. Hey, hey, kids!

57. Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation?

58. A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents?

59. A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause?

60. Oh, God. I know that void.

61. Then you were born to enter

62. Krusty's Li'l Starmaker Singing Competition!

63. Not affiliated with American Idol.

64. We've never even heard of "American Idol."

65. The winner will be animated into an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon.

66. So, enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid

67. who doesn't know he sucks!

68. I'm a comin', Krusty!

69. Lisa, you should enter that contest. You've got a great voice!

70. It made us all feel better.

71. Thanks, Bart. That's really sweet.

72. I think I puked up all of my meanness.

73. Ow!

74. Praise the Lord! I'm on the road to recovery!

75. I hope we didn't camp out here for nothing.

76. It's like every kid in Springfield showed up.

77. Don't worry about the competition, sweetie.

78. Whenever I enter a contest, I tell myself I'm going to win.

79. Because sometimes, if you believe hard enough,

80. God cuts you a break.

81. After all, he works for us. Our prayers pay his salary.

82. And if I win, I'll be on Itchy & Scratchy.

83. Ha ha! En garde! Parry! Thrust!

84. Nicely done, Wind Dancer.

85. But seriously, cruelty to animals is no laughing matter.

86. You can make a difference.

87. Spay and neuter your pets!

88. And remember! Save the violence for cartoons!

89. For details, log onto peta.org.

90. All right, kids. Let's do this quick.

91. After this, I gotta record 27 seasons of DVD commentaries.

92. And I remember nothing!

93. Today, we'll pick the lucky children

94. who will get to compete on the air.

95. I was going to be your celebrity judge.

96. But then I realized, I'd have to pay attention.

97. So, instead, we'll use the Applause-O-Meter. Huh? Huh?

98. Now, let's get this over with!

99. A, B, C, D, E, F, G

100. How I wonder what you are

101. Thank you.

102. I can't believe I used to date him.

103. Lise, you're a shoo-in.

104. Hush little baby don't say a word

105. Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird

106. That's gonna sing

107. Yes it is, y'all

108. Ánd if that mocking bird don't sing

109. Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring

110. That's gonna shine, shine

111. Oh, it shines so bright I

112. Lisa, that sounds like a fancier version

113. of the song you're going to sing.

114. And she's giving us the emotional experience of a lifetime.

115. Thank you for this angel, Lord.

116. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, no

117. This contest is moot!

118. A li'l star has been made!

119. When she sings a C, it's a C!

120. Unlike a certain glee club I've wasted my life on!

121. Well, I may not know much,

122. but I do know talent when my producers point it out to me.

123. We have our first contestant! Clarissa Wellington!

124. Oh, there's no way I'm gonna beat her.

125. Why? Just because she sings

126. like Whitney Houston brought to life?

127. Don't lose hope, sweetie.

128. I'm gonna write you a song so great, you can't lose.

129. And that's not just the beer talking. Your father's in here, too.

130. When a man loves a woman

131. Which one are you? The man or the woman?

132. Questioning the kid's sexuality? Well done. Ha! Ha!

133. Here you go, honey! Sing this.

134. How did you write a song so quickly?

135. Much of the tune is plagiarized. Now, go, go, go!

136. I've been to Paris and London And Tokyo town

137. But one crazy burg Has 'em all beat hands down

138. Jacksonville?

139. I'm talkin' Springfield You can buy chimichangas

140. Talkin' Springfield The chicks have big gazongas

141. There's tires on fire A guy named Apu

142. And Skinner, and Grampa and old Disco Stu

143. Did I forget to mention you?

144. You? That's me!

145. I'm talkin' Springfield

146. Where nobody sucks

147. Except for Flanders

148. I get it! I get it! She's good!

149. Looks like they love ya, kid.

150. And the audience is always right.

151. I wish I could say the same about my stockbroker.

152. Ah, what do you jerks know? That's a quality joke.

153. You did it, sweetie!

154. No! We did it, Dad!

155. She's right. It was all me.

156. I really do like working with you, Dad. Will you keep helping me?

157. Of course, sweetie.

158. You and I are gonna write and sing our way

159. out of this godforsaken hellhole.

160. But your song said you liked Springfield.

161. I wrote it about Shelbyville, then changed the names.

162. La, la, la la, la, la, la, la

163. Good job, sweetie!

164. Every time you hit that note, I'll shoot a glass with my BB gun.

165. I really appreciate you taking such an interest in me, Dad.

166. Honey, our time together is precious to me.

167. I didn't want to say anything

168. but I don't think I'm gonna be around much longer.

169. Really? What's wrong?

170. Well, Moe's getting a big screen TV in February.

171. Just in time for the Pro Bowl.

172. Maybe this time my beloved blue shirts will win.

173. Is it possible to get a green spotlight?

174. Sorry, sweetie. We don't have green.

175. Let Daddy go talk to the man.

176. May I have a word with you?

177. Is that green enough for you, sweetie?

178. Because I can make it greener.

179. No, it's fine.

180. Alas, my love you do me wrong

181. To cast me off discourteously

182. That's Cameron. Girls go crazy over him.

183. He's cute, unthreatening,

184. And his smile brought a puppy back to life.

185. Don't worry, honey. The song I wrote you is so schmaltzy,

186. it'll make Moon River sound like a farting orangutan!

187. My kitty died on Christmas Eve

188. Daddy told me to be brave

189. But instead of singing carols

190. I was digging Snowball's grave

191. Oh!

192. Oh, God. I miss Lisa's cat so much.

193. All right, you know how it works.

194. Every week we eliminate one contestant

195. based on the votes cast by you, the audience.

196. Disclaimer. All ballots were lost and vote totals made up.

197. The first contestant eliminated is

198. Katie Anderson!

199. Katie, you were the first victim of the Buzz Cola trap door.

200. Fall into the flavor hole!

201. And the next contestant to be eliminated

202. is Clarissa!

203. Yeah, it's you, honey. Please don't cry.

204. Keep crying. It's dynamite.

205. Sweetie, tonight you were perfect!

206. Marge, Lisa and I were just discussing

207. how to improve tonight's performance.

208. Now, you're confusing her by telling her she was perfect.

209. Mr. Simpson, I brought those Twizzlers you asked for.

210. My little girl likes Red Vines! You little...

211. Mr. Simpson, please stop!

212. You think I can't kill you?

213. There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year

214. that would beg to kiss my ass! Get outta here!

215. He's crazy!

216. Hey, these are Red Vines!

217. There you go, sweetie. Daddy got you your candy.

218. Homie, I'm worried you're turning into

219. some kind of super cuckoo stage mother.

220. Yeah. For once, couldn't you just turn into a good father?

221. Would that be so hard?

222. Hey, give me a break.

223. Living through Lisa is the healthiest thing

224. that ever happened to me.

225. But, Dad, you don't need to help me by humiliating people!

226. You love sausage, but you hate to see it getting made.

227. I don't love sausage!

228. Then would you like to see it getting made?

229. Dad, you're fired!

230. Fired? Me?

231. Everything I did, I did for you!

232. Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt, but you left me no choice.

233. You were obnoxious at a level

234. not even permitted in show business!

235. Do you know the hours I worked?

236. The people I had to yell at?

237. The tires I had to slash?

238. No one asked you to yell and slash!

239. It's called "schmoozing!"

240. Bart, you want to go to the video arcade?

241. Hell, I'll even go shoe shopping.

242. Hey! Come back!

243. I'm calming down!

244. We'll have family fun! Family fun!

245. Hey, everybody, I brought a guest.

246. Someone who appreciates my in-your-face management style.

247. Ha! Smart move!

248. Soon the whole world will be lining up to suck my nose

249. after I make my new client a star.

250. Hey, Simpson family

251. How can I touch your hearts tonight?

252. You're working with Cameron now?

253. His name isn't Cameron anymore. He's now Johnny Rainbow.

254. Mr. Simpson, about that...

255. I'm not Mr. Simpson! That ship has sailed.

256. I'm Colonel Cool!

257. And I'm the captain on this rocket to the stars!

258. So, are you a colonel or a captain?

259. Neither, I'm both.

260. All right, I'm gonna teach you a little something

261. about jazz hands.

262. Now, don't stop until it's as natural as breathing.

263. Dad looks so happy.

264. Actually, I think your father's still upset

265. about the way things went down.

266. Marge, Bart, Maggie, Santa's Little Helper...

267. Lisa.

268. Dad, I don't want things to be awful between us.

269. I made you some cookies.

270. I don't think cookies are gonna make me feel better.

271. Oh! Oh, God! Oh! Mmm.

272. They're delicious! Mmm. Oh.

273. So happy! Oh, God, they're...

274. They're gone.

275. Hi. This lighting's a little bright.

276. And could I get a red wash in the background?

277. Sorry, hon. This is all we got. Who's next?

278. We are.

279. Okay, Morty, give me a rose-colored spot, tight to the mid-chest,

280. And an aqua background with an astronaut on a surfboard.

281. Sure. Sure thing, Mr. S.

282. Lisa. Um...

283. At the end of your song, remember to look into the spotlight.

284. It makes your eyes twinkle.

285. Aw.

286. Thanks, Dad.

287. You're welcome.

288. This is our final night.

289. Thirty contestants have already fallen

290. Through our Buzz Cola trap door.

291. Let us out!

292. Hey, you're supposed to clean this out every night!

293. What do you mean, "Talk to your shop steward"? Bah!

294. Now, let's welcome the first of our two finalists,

295. Lisa Simpson.

296. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make.

297. I didn't have my usual songwriter tonight.

298. So, I took a stab at writing my own song.

299. Something that expresses what's really in my heart.

300. Bernie, if you please?

301. I'm in the final two

302. I should be happy

303. But all I want to do

304. Is spend more time

305. with my pappy

306. Now that you're gone, Dad

307. I miss you so much

308. And your threats against teamsters and techies, and such

309. Your management style is like Attila the Hun

310. You were vicious, malicious but you got the job done

311. I'm sorry I hurt you

312. but please don't be sad

313. You're no longer my coach

314. but you're always my dad

315. Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying.

316. Oh, God! That's battery acid!

317. Dad, you know, the best part about this whole thing

318. has been the time we've spent together.

319. I don't care if I win just as long as you're in my corner again.

320. I always was, honey.

321. Look! Cameron's about to sing the song I wrote for him!

322. He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business.

323. Don't trust people in the music business.

324. I'm a privileged boy It's great, I gotta tell ya

325. Privileged boy My dad can buy and sell ya

326. It really doesn't matter that you're on the list in front of me

327. I'm gonna get your table 'cause I always tip the maitre d'

328. And then I'll go to Yale because I am a legacy

329. I'm better than you

330. You suck, Johnny Rainbow!

331. I believed in you!

332. No!

333. You sabotaged Cameron for me.

334. Sure did.

335. I'd do anything for you, honey. Especially if it's easy.

336. Well, I think you're the sweetest dad in the whole world.

337. I'll always be there.

338. Not even death will stop me.

339. Now, you're getting creepy.

340. How about, I love you, honey?

341. Good.