1. The Simpsons
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2. D'oh!
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3. Bill, bill...
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4. Bill.
Homer, you got a letter.
Hmm. It's from the library.
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5. Overdue book?
This is the biggest
frame-up since O.J.
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6. Wait a minute.
Blood in the Bronco,
the cuts on his hands,
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7. those Jay Leno monologues!
Oh, my God! He did it!
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8. Here's the book.
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9. "Classics for Children"?
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10. Yeah. I checked that out
when Bart was born.
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11. I was gonna read
to him every day.
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12. What happened?
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13. Stuff kept coming up.
Mostly car-related.
Piece of crap.
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14. Why don't you
read to us now?
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15. I decide who reads and when!
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16. How about now?
Mmm.
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17. Homer's Odyssey.
Is this about that
minivan I rented once?
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18. No, Dad.
It's an epic tale
from ancient Greece.
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19. That minivan had
the biggest cup holders.
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20. And change slots
for every coin,
from penny to quarter.
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21. Dad, I loved it, too,
but it was seven years ago.
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22. Fine.
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23. "It was the end
of the Trojan War.
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24. "Clever Odysseus had
come up with a plan
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25. "to destroy the Trojans
once and for all."
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26. Hi, odiddily-Odysseus!
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27. Stupid king of Troy.
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28. I think I speak
for all the Greeks
when I say
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29. this war has gone
on for too long.
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30. I'll say.
I'd really like to go
out and get the mail.
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31. Anyway, over torture,
one of your soldiers
mentioned
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32. that you collect
giant wooden animals.
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33. We hope you
don't have a horse.
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34. Well, I don't have
one from you.
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35. Bring it in!
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36. Now throughout history,
when people get wood,
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37. they'll think of Trojans.
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38. Trojans.
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39. What are you
laughing at, Dad?
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40. If I'm laughing at
what I think I am,
it's very funny.
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41. Anyway, "As night fell,
the Greek soldiers crept
from the wooden horse."
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42. Aw, look at them.
Sleeping like little angels.
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43. Spare no one.
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44. Remember, just 'cause
their heads are off,
it don't mean they're dead.
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45. Now I can return to Ithaca
and my sweet wife, Penelope.
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46. Odysseus, do not forget
to thank the gods
for our victory
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47. with an appropriate
animal sacrifice.
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48. Forget it!
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49. Sacrificing animals
is barbaric.
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50. Now have the slaves
kill the wounded.
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51. No sacrifice?
We'll teach that mortal
to trifle with the gods.
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52. I got it.
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53. You fat lush.
You just destroyed Atlantis.
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54. You used to be fun.
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55. Where's the Zeus
who used to turn into a cow
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56. and pick up chicks?
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57. He grew up.
Maybe you should, too.
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58. Poseidon,
you take care of Odysseus.
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59. Yarr. I'll send him far.
Off course.
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60. "Greece"
is the word.
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61. Is it "vase" or "vase"?
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62. You gonna be asking
that the whole trip?
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63. Gentlemen,
I must be wasted,
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64. 'cause it looks like
that cloud is mad at me.
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65. Yarr!
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66. Yarr!
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67. On the island
Island of Sirens
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68. Our hot sex
Will leave you perspiring
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69. Hey, that's kind of catchy.
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70. It's coming from that island.
Let's steer heedlessly
towards it.
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71. Heedlessly it is.
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72. The feta is cheesy
The Sirens are easy
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73. Boy, if they kiss
as good as they lure, wow!
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74. On the island
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75. We'll sex you up
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76. Island of Sirens
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77. Oh, God!
They're hideous!
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78. Someone gouge my eyes!
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79. Save me
from the ladies!
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80. It's been so many years
since I've seen your father.
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81. I hope he's
still the magnificent
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82. physical specimen
he was when he left.
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83. Mom, maybe it's time
to choose a suitor.
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84. Discus Stu has
ouzo for twozo.
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85. I'll leave you guys alone.
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86. Discus Stu was
talking to you.
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87. Oh, where could
your father be?
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88. Almost home.
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89. Ain't I a stinker?
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90. Welcome to my island.
I am Circe, the sorceress.
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91. Boy, who decided
to give every
weirdo an island?
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92. You must be thirsty.
Drink from my cauldron.
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93. Well, I was in the mood
for something bubbling.
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94. Out of the way, slim.
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95. Thanks for your help
with the anchor, guys.
Guys?
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96. That pig looks like Lenny.
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97. Hey!
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98. Mmm. That's the next best
thing to eating Lenny.
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99. I'm still hungry.
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100. Didn't you eat
enough of your friends?
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101. Those were my friends?
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102. Yes. I've been
saying that for hours.
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103. That's it! I'm going home!
Which way to Ithaca?
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104. It's not so easy.
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105. You must go through Hades,
crossing the River Styx.
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106. You're my lady
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107. Of the morning
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108. Oh, this truly is hell!
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109. Okay. It has been 20 years,
and you suitors
have been very patient.
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110. We've been beyond patient!
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111. When we came here,
Helen of Troy was hot!
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112. Now look at her!
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113. This is the face
that launched
a thousand ships,
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114. the other way.
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115. Honey, I'm home.
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116. Well, look who
the fates dragged in.
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117. Oh, I'm sorry
I was gone so long,
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118. but I'm gonna do
something I haven't
done for 20 years.
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119. Take out the trash!
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120. Sweet Penelope,
you're just as beautiful
as you were when I left.
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121. Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
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122. Aw.
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123. Brave Odysseus,
it's been 20 long years.
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124. Regale me with tales
of your adventures.
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125. Quit suffocating me.
I'm going to Moe's.
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126. Oh, here's the story
of Joan of Arc.
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127. Ooh! Did you say
Joan Van Ark?
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128. No, Mom. Joan of Arc.
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129. It's never Joan Van Ark.
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130. This one takes place
in a make-believe
kingdom called France.
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131. "The French were
fighting the English
in the Hundred Years' War,
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132. "which was then called
Operation Speedy Resolution."
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133. Son, how's it going
with the breakfast pâté?
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134. I'm on it.
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135. Bartrand,
where is your sister Joan?
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136. Morning bells are ringing.
Morning bells are ringing.
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137. She's talking to her
invisible friend. God.
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138. And please
bless Mama and Papa
and Bartrand and Coco Chanel.
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139. Joan of Arc,
I am your God.
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140. I have chosen you
to lead the French army
to victory
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141. over the English invaders.
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142. But I'm just a little girl.
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143. I know.
I have three eyes.
Now get cracking.
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144. God wants you to lead
the French army to what?
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145. Victory.
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146. Victory?
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147. We're French!
We don't even
have a word for it!
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148. God spoke to me.
I must obey.
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149. Joan,
give me your dessert.
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150. That's just you, Bart.
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151. Joan,
give me your dessert!
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152. Yes, sir.
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153. That's going straight
to my five thighs.
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154. All right, garçons.
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155. Huh?
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156. No, un.
You know, French for "one."
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157. Well, you keep
switching back between
French and English.
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158. Just fire the damn thing.
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159. My fault this time.
I didn't tuck in my legs.
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160. Wait! I have been sent
to lead the French army
to victory!
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161. Yeah, really?
And how are you
gonna do that?
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162. With modern ideas,
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163. like putting
bigger, harder people
in the catapult.
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164. Or, how about rocks?
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165. Rock.
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166. I don't know how
to feel just now.
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167. And now, attack!
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168. Shouldn't we help her?
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169. Yeah, right behind you, Lou.
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170. Uh-oh.
There's my supervisor.
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171. Hello, hello, hello.
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172. What's all this then?
It's a little bird
with a knife, isn't it?
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173. What a thing to happen!
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174. Blimey!
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175. We welcome our savior,
Joan of Arc.
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176. It is customary to
kneel before the king.
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177. I would gladly kneel,
were you the real king.
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178. You are the true dauphin.
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179. You had this impostor
try to fool me
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180. to see if I was
truly sent by God.
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181. Bravo, Joan of Arc.
You are as brainsome
as you are toothsome.
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182. Quimbe, you may resume
your regular duties now.
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183. It would be my pleasure.
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184. Vibrate for me, footstool.
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185. Loyal subjects,
let us drink to Joan of Arc,
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186. who will conquer the English,
and has already
conquered my heart.
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187. Uh, God says we should
just be friends.
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188. I wouldn't say
King Milhouse is a loser,
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189. but that's the 12th girl
he's struck out
with this week!
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190. Boil him in oil!
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191. So no 10:30 show?
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192. Let us kill the English!
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193. Their concept of
individual rights
could undermine the power
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194. of our beloved tyrants!
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195. They're attacking again.
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196. I thought we had a truce.
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197. Just because
you keep saying it
doesn't make it so.
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198. Oh, my word!
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199. You can't stop me!
I was sent by God!
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200. I want my mommy!
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201. I captured a wee girl!
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202. I'm the greatest hero
in English history!
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203. Joan of Arc,
you are accused of heresy,
witchcraft,
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204. and that man told me
you pushed him.
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205. I would like to call
my only witness.
Almighty God.
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206. I told this maiden
to lead the French
to victory.
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207. Wait a minute,
you two-timing spot of light.
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208. You told me to lead
the English to victory!
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209. Is that true, Lord?
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210. Well, I never thought
the two of you
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211. would be in
the same room, actually.
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212. This is a little embarrassing.
Goodbye now.
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213. That was weird.
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214. Let's burn her!
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215. Yeah! Burn her!
Burn her!
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216. Don't burn her!
She's just an innocent child!
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217. Burn this guy!
He lost a good bucket!
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218. Joan, renounce your faith.
Save yourself.
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219. Don't worry, beloved parents.
God won't let
anything happen to me.
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220. Huh. Getting kind of
hot around here.
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221. Wow.
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222. What happened, Dad?
They didn't really
burn her, did they?
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223. Of course
they didn't, honey.
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224. "Just then,
Sir Lancelot rode up
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225. "on a white horse
and saved Joan of Arc.
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226. "They got married and
lived in a spaceship.
The end."
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227. Well, that's easier to chew
than that Bambi video.
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228. Our next story is Hamlet,
by William Shakespeare.
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229. Dad, these old stories
can't compare
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230. with our modern
super writers.
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231. Steven Bochco could
kick Shakespeare's ass!
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232. Look, this story's
more interesting
than you think.
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233. It starts with
Hamlet's father
getting murdered.
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234. Cool. Does he get
to marry his mom?
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235. I don't know,
but that would be hot.
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236. "Once upon a time,
there was a young
Prince of Denmark."
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237. Hamlet! Avenge me!
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238. Dad?
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239. Yes. I have
returned from the dead.
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240. Looks like you've
returned from the buffet.
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241. Why, you little... D'oh!
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242. My son,
I have some shocking news.
I was murdered.
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243. Murdered, I tells you!
Really?
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244. Behold! As I slept,
your Uncle Claudius
poured poison in my ear.
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245. Poison most foul!
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246. So he could marry your mother
and become the king!
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247. Yeah,
that was quite a weekend.
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248. Now you must avenge me.
Avenge me!
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249. How?
I don't know.
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250. Surprise me.
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251. Surprise me!
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252. Could that fat ghost
be telling the truth?
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253. First, I've gotta
get Uncle Claudius
to confess.
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254. Then I've gotta kill him.
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255. It's cold outside.
You'll need a sweater.
A sweater!
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256. And if your idea
of a first date
is burning down her village,
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257. you just might be a Viking!
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258. That's what I get for
sitting up front, eh?
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259. I love these jesters.
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260. They're exactly
what I need to forget
about my first husband.
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261. Yeah,
I really miss the old guy.
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262. It was all I could do
to put on his jewels
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263. and score with his wife
every night.
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264. How are you doing, kid?
Nice to see you.
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265. Now we would
like to warn you,
our performances
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266. tend to make audience members
blurt out hidden secrets.
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267. Oh, boy.
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268. Aha! Methinks
the play's the thing
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269. wherein I'll catch
the conscience of the king.
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270. Catch my conscience? What?
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271. You're not
supposed to hear me.
That's a soliloquy.
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272. Okay, well,
I'll do a soliloquy, too.
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273. Note to self.
Kill that kid.
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274. Okay, we're gonna open it up
with a little improv.
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275. Somebody shout
out a location!
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276. This castle!
Okay.
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277. How about an occupation?
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278. Usurper of the throne!
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279. I think I heard
"usurper of the throne."
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280. Now finally,
I need an object.
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281. Ear poison!
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282. Hey, do you have diarrhea?
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283. I have diarrhea.
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284. Sit down!
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285. Wait a minute!
I didn't use
that much poison!
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286. I mean, I didn't use
that much poi, son,
at the royal luau.
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287. Daddy, it's true!
Uncle Claudius murdered you!
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288. Oh, great.
Now Hamlet's acting crazy.
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289. Well nobody
out-crazies Ophelia.
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290. Hey, nonny nonny,
with a hoo and a haw,
and a nonny nonny hey!
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291. Hamlet, what'd I tell you
about running with swords?
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292. Someone's behind the curtain.
It could be Claudius.
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293. Only one way to find out.
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294. Ow!
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295. Polonius? What are you doing
behind the curtain?
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296. I hide behind curtains
'cause I have a fear
of getting stabbed.
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297. Daddy's stomach is crying.
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298. Laertes, you gotta do
a special big-boy job
for Daddy.
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299. I need you to
avenge my death.
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300. I like revenging!
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301. I'm gonna kill Hamlet.
Here's my mad face.
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302. Cute kid.
But just in case
you don't kill Hamlet,
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303. I put some
poison on the food,
on the drapes,
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304. even on Rosencarl
and Guildenlenny here.
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305. If Hamlet touches
either of us, he's dead.
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306. Booyah!
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307. Now, Hamlet,
you know the rules.
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308. Laertes here gets
one practice stab.
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309. Oh, boy!
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310. Boy, did I bet
on the wrong horse.
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311. Now there's
nothing to stop me
from getting my vengeance.
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312. You sure you don't want
a nice piece of fish,
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313. or to finger
the drapes a little?
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314. This ends here!
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315. Remember me as a peacemaker.
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316. And now to celebrate life!
Whoa! Bloody floor!
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317. No way
I'm cleaning up this mess.
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318. And that's the greatest
thing ever written.
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319. Are you crazy?
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320. I can't believe
a play where every
character is murdered
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321. could be so boring!
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322. Son, it's not only
a great play,
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323. but also became a great movie
called Ghostbusters.
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324. English - US - PSDH
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