1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. Welcome to the Magic Palace.Copy !req
3. - Okay. You can park my car. But no joyriding!
- Mmm.Copy !req
4. Wait a minute.Copy !req
5. Hello, I'm Questo. I'll be your waiter
and mentalist for this evening.Copy !req
6. I'm receiving a drink order.
Something foamy. Is it a "B"-Copy !req
7. Beer, yes! How did you know?
Hmm? Ahh.Copy !req
8. And for the lady,
a Long Island Iced Tea.Copy !req
9. Wow.Copy !req
10. Oh, they oughta call that
a'Large" Island Iced Tea.Copy !req
11. - No, "Long" is better.
- Are you really gonna drink that?Copy !req
12. Well, maybe a sip.
I don't want to offend our mentalist.Copy !req
13. If she doesn't like it, I'll just die!Copy !req
14. Mmm.Copy !req
15. - Mmm!Copy !req
16. Mom, you're missing a great show.Copy !req
17. You don't know what I'm missin'.Copy !req
18. Mmm! I'd like to visit that Long Island place,
if only it were real.Copy !req
19. Now for my next illusion,
I'll need a volunteer.Copy !req
20. I'll do it!
I always end up doing it.Copy !req
21. - Hi.
- I'm Diablo. What's your name?Copy !req
22. - Marge.
- Okay, Marge. And who's
that gentleman you're with?Copy !req
23. That's no gentleman.
That's my husband.Copy !req
24. - Wow. Mom got a laugh.
- I wish she drank every day.Copy !req
25. Do we love Marge or what?Copy !req
26. Oh, please.
I didn't say that for clapping.Copy !req
27. - Now, Marge, I have a problem.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
28. You see, the emperor of China's coming over
and I don't have enough colorful silks.Copy !req
29. - Oh.
- So what I need of you is-Copy !req
30. You talk too much.
Abraca-blab-ra. Am I right?Copy !req
31. - See, the ladies know what I'm talking about.Copy !req
32. Ha. Ha. Tell you what?
Let's get this ball gag on ya.Copy !req
33. There we go.
And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-O-Tine.Copy !req
34. Whoa, baby!Copy !req
35. Don't worry, Marge.
You won't feel a thing.Copy !req
36. You'll feel four things.Copy !req
37. - He's very good.Copy !req
38. So she was made of chimps.Copy !req
39. Man, magic can do anything!Copy !req
40. What happened to Mom?Copy !req
41. - I'm right here!Copy !req
42. - No! No! Get off of me!Copy !req
43. Folks, this is not
part of the act. Please help her.Copy !req
44. No! Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off! Get 'em off!Copy !req
45. Cool gift shop.
"Ages eight to 80."Copy !req
46. Huh. That's me!
Dad, will you get me this magic kit?Copy !req
47. Gee, I wish I could, Son.
But we already left the gift shop.Copy !req
48. D'oh!Copy !req
49. Wow. It's approved by
the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.Copy !req
50. - That's a party magic college.
- It is not.Copy !req
51. - Yah-huh.
- Nuh-huh.Copy !req
52. - Yah-huh.
- Would you cut it out, you two?Copy !req
53. Mommy needs
some quiet right now.Copy !req
54. What the hell is that?Copy !req
55. It looks like a sturgeon.Copy !req
56. But where did it come from?Copy !req
57. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm.
Well, there's your problem.Copy !req
58. I know that.
How much to fix it?Copy !req
59. Oh. Well, that's a foreign fish
we're looking at.Copy !req
60. So, uh, 6,500.Copy !req
61. - Plus 350.
- Oh, I can't afford that.Copy !req
62. Maybe I can make some money, Dad.
The magic act is really coming along.Copy !req
63. - He couldn't breathe.Copy !req
64. Step right up!
See the magic boy!Copy !req
65. Witness mystifying feats that
will leave you scratching your head...Copy !req
66. until it's raw and bloody!Copy !req
67. - Mmm. Look.
- Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
68. Come on. Pony up, Flanders.
The kid's not turning tricks for nothin'.Copy !req
69. - Oh, no. I could never support the black arts.
- Black arts?Copy !req
70. Yeah, you know: Magic,
fortune telling, Oriental cooking.Copy !req
71. Hey, you guys!Copy !req
72. You're in our spot.Copy !req
73. What? Oh, okay, we'll move.
We don't want any trouble, fellas.Copy !req
74. Dad, only one of them is real.Copy !req
75. - I know, but which one?
- Ohh.Copy !req
76. Sixty cents? I would have made more
if I had gone into work today!Copy !req
77. Hey, don't blame me.
I gotta compete with TV and the Internet.Copy !req
78. A good son would come
through for his dad.Copy !req
79. Yeah. And a good dad wouldn't miss
his son's little league games.Copy !req
80. I told you!
Lfind them boring!Copy !req
81. Well, I showed up for all
your stupid interventions!Copy !req
82. Oh, that's it!
You can walk home!Copy !req
83. Dad, come back! Ohh.Copy !req
84. I can't walk home
with all this stuff.Copy !req
85. - Ohh.
- Poor boy. Here's some money for bus fare.Copy !req
86. - My father was a monster too.
- Hmm.Copy !req
87. Come on, brothers.
Dig deep.Copy !req
88. Stupid non-magical son
can't pay to fix my car.Copy !req
89. - Hey, Homer! Check it out!
- What the-Copy !req
90. - Is that a steak?Copy !req
91. - Yeah. I know a little place.
- Who gave you all this money?Copy !req
92. Mmm, people. I guess they
thought I was a charity case.Copy !req
93. Really?Copy !req
94. Hey, maybe we could do that again.Copy !req
95. - Can you look even more pathetic?Copy !req
96. Oh, that's beautiful!
We could make a fortune!Copy !req
97. But wouldn't that
make us con artists?Copy !req
98. Well, yeah.Copy !req
99. But God conned me out of
6,500 bucks in car repairs.Copy !req
100. So, in a way, we'd just be
balancing out the universe.Copy !req
101. There you go!
We'd be stealing from people we know.Copy !req
102. It's just like the seasons.Copy !req
103. Sounds good.
You want to eat my fat?Copy !req
104. I think you know the answer to that.Copy !req
105. This book has all the classic cons.Copy !req
106. There's the Pigeon Drop,
the Ear Wigger, the Brillstein grab-Copy !req
107. Do they have any
father-and-son grifts?Copy !req
108. - Well, there's the Albany Ham Scam.
- Interesting.Copy !req
109. Oh, wait.
Here we go.Copy !req
110. - Oh.
- What are you doing? Why are you
frosting that old throw pillow?Copy !req
111. I could ask you
the very same question.Copy !req
112. Uh, should I just
back out of the room?Copy !req
113. - Would you?Copy !req
114. Okay, Dad, ready for our first con?Copy !req
115. You bet.
Let's trim the mark.Copy !req
116. Nice use of the lingo, Homer.Copy !req
117. - 10-4, kemosabe.
- Ohh.Copy !req
118. Good night and have
a pleasant tomorrow.Copy !req
119. - Oh!
- Oh, excuse me.Copy !req
120. What happened?
Where's my cake?Copy !req
121. - It's all right, isn't it?
- Uh-Copy !req
122. What have you done,
you clumsy little ox?Copy !req
123. That cake was for your deaf sister!Copy !req
124. - Sir, it was my fault.
- No, no. Don't protect him.Copy !req
125. You'll work off that cake
in the acid mines!Copy !req
126. No! No, no!
I'll pay for the cake.Copy !req
127. Well, you're the mark... of integrity.Copy !req
128. Wow! Look at all this loot!
What should we buy first?Copy !req
129. A singing rubber fish, of course.Copy !req
130. There you are.
How was the magic act?Copy !req
131. What in the hell
are you talking about?Copy !req
132. Oh, right. The magic.Copy !req
133. The magic was great!
It's really the way to go.Copy !req
134. How'd you do your act?
You left your magic kit here.Copy !req
135. Or so it would seem.Copy !req
136. - Suckers.Copy !req
137. I don't know, Mom.
I think they're up to something.Copy !req
138. Oh, it sure looks that way.Copy !req
139. But at least Bart and Homer
are spending quality time together.Copy !req
140. Is that a Long Island Iced Tea?Copy !req
141. Oh, this? Hmm.
I think it is.Copy !req
142. Mmm. You're a pretty girl.Copy !req
143. Here, boy!
Here, doggie!Copy !req
144. - Oh, where has my little dog gone?
- Oh, you lost your doggie?Copy !req
145. Yeah. I saw him playing in the water,
and then he was gone.Copy !req
146. He had a bright red leash
with bells on it.Copy !req
147. Oh, I'm sure he's around here
somewhere.Copy !req
148. Oh, dear Lord.Copy !req
149. He's the bestest dog ever. He's light brown
and he has a spot on him shaped like a heart.Copy !req
150. - Sorry, son. But-
- I just gotta get him back!Copy !req
151. Or if not him,
a similar dog.Copy !req
152. Dog for sale!Copy !req
153. Dog for sale!Copy !req
154. - How much for the dog?
- Oh, he's not for sale.Copy !req
155. - Oh, well.
- Although, if the right offer came along-Copy !req
156. Here's for the repairs
and a little extra for you.Copy !req
157. Hey. Thanks, chief.Copy !req
158. Uhh! My bar mitzvah cake!Copy !req
159. Oy! I'll never be a man.Copy !req
160. Uhh.Copy !req
161. - Dad?
- Yeah, Son?Copy !req
162. Why are we still grifting? The car's paid for.
Doesn't that balance out the universe?Copy !req
163. In a way. But I also remembered
some other stuff.Copy !req
164. Like my bike that
was stolen in third grade.Copy !req
165. - Plus the baldness.
- Okay. I'm sold.Copy !req
166. Hello.
Is the lady of the house in?Copy !req
167. Oh, no! Homer, remember?
Maudie got called up to heaven.Copy !req
168. - Oh. Of course. Of course. It's just that-
- What?Copy !req
169. Well, before she died, she ordered
this Bible especially for you.Copy !req
170. Why, there's my name, in gold.Copy !req
171. Now you weren't home,
so we had to pay the delivery man.Copy !req
172. Well, I'll just reimburse you right-Copy !req
173. Wait a minute. This seems an awful lot
like that movie Paper Moon.Copy !req
174. - Run, Dad!
- Okay!Copy !req
175. - We'll be safe in here.
- That was too close.Copy !req
176. - Maybe it's time to quit the game.
- Amateurs!Copy !req
177. - Huh?
- Dad?Copy !req
178. That's right.Copy !req
179. - You don't smoke a pipe.
- That's right.Copy !req
180. - How'd you get wise to us?
- Are you kiddin'?Copy !req
181. They used to call me Grifty McGrift.Copy !req
182. I wrote the book on flimflammin'.Copy !req
183. Wow! He did!Copy !req
184. Yeah. In the Depression, you had to grift.
Either that or work.Copy !req
185. - So what's the pitch, old man?
- Team up with me, boys...Copy !req
186. and we'll go for the biggest
honey pot of'em all!Copy !req
187. Oh, my God!Copy !req
188. I don't know.
Fleecin' old people?Copy !req
189. Oh, why not? If we don't take their money,
they'll just give it to some televangelist.Copy !req
190. Let's dust a few fossils.Copy !req
191. Now this scam was in The Sting, Part Two,
so nobody knows about it.Copy !req
192. Now as I recall, Jackie Gleason-Copy !req
193. - Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson?
- I'm Abe Simpson.Copy !req
194. You've just won $10 million
from that publisher's "cleary-dealie"!Copy !req
195. - What?
- Everybody, come quick! Abe Simpson is rich!Copy !req
196. I can't believe it!Copy !req
197. I can finally afford
a young, crazy, stripper wife.Copy !req
198. - Yeah. I'm gonna get me the craziest, "strippiest"-Copy !req
199. - He's dead.Copy !req
200. Oh, this is terrible.
Now who do we give the money to?Copy !req
201. I guess we'll just have to haul
the check back to headquarters.Copy !req
202. Too bad we couldn't just give it
to these nice folks.Copy !req
203. Forget it, Ed. Do you know what
it costs to sign over a check this big?Copy !req
204. Why, the wealth transfer fee would run
at least a hundred dollars a head.Copy !req
205. You're right. We better just
take this check back for shredding.Copy !req
206. No, wait. We got a hundred bucks each.
Hang on.Copy !req
207. Thank you.
No shoving.Copy !req
208. That's right. Put your money in here.
All of it. Is that everyone?Copy !req
209. What's your problem, sport?
Afraid to be rich?Copy !req
210. Hold your horses.
I'll get to ya!Copy !req
211. F.B.I. You're under arrest for fraud.Copy !req
212. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
213. Throw the book at him, sonny.
D'oh!Copy !req
214. Now, where's the inside man?Copy !req
215. Mmm?Copy !req
216. Call me mint jelly,
'cause I'm on the lam! Ahh!Copy !req
217. So we're under arrest for fraud?Copy !req
218. - Yes, fraud.Copy !req
219. Well, this is about the flashiest car
I've ever impounded.Copy !req
220. Thanks. Whew!
It took a lot of grifting. Ooh!Copy !req
221. Please, F.B.I. Man, don't throw us in jail.
We just made one mistake.Copy !req
222. Yeah. We're not criminals.
We're just two crazy, mixed-up kids.Copy !req
223. Mmm. Okay, tell you what.Copy !req
224. I'll let you turn yourselves in.
Maybe they'll go easier on you.Copy !req
225. - You'd do that for us?
- Well, I did ruin the boy's birthday cake.Copy !req
226. Go on in.
But I'll be watching!Copy !req
227. Okay. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
228. Don't worry, Son.
I have an idea.Copy !req
229. Chief, I'd like to
scare my son straight.Copy !req
230. Could I show him a jail cell?Copy !req
231. Oh, sure. I'll put you in the RickJames suite.
It's super freaky.Copy !req
232. Okay, we're all locked up now.Copy !req
233. Yeah. You big idiot.Copy !req
234. - Excellent. I guess I'll just be swiping your car now.
- What?Copy !req
235. Oh, and this lovely bag of cash.Copy !req
236. So long, suckers!
Woo-hoo!Copy !req
237. - That's not an F.B.I. Badge.
- "Colgate Cavity Patrol"? Ohh!Copy !req
238. - That guy was a grifter.
- Yeah. He conned us good.Copy !req
239. Well, at least we still have our jobs
at the sweepstakes place.Copy !req
240. - Ohh!
- What?Copy !req
241. Mom's gonna wonder
where the car went.Copy !req
242. - We better have a good story.
- Well, lies got us into this mess, Son.Copy !req
243. From now on,
it's honesty all the way.Copy !req
244. You were carjacked
in the church parking lot?Copy !req
245. Absolutely. We had stopped in for a quick prayer
when- Bart, would you call him a crazy man?Copy !req
246. Definitely.
Well, crazy about carjacking.Copy !req
247. - What did he look like?
- Uh, mmm, let's see.Copy !req
248. He was foreign, and he had-Copy !req
249. - Wild, bushy hair, like an animal.
- Anything else?Copy !req
250. Uh, well, he seemed like a loner.
Kept to himself mostly.Copy !req
251. And he said if we went to the cops,
he'd come back for Maggie.Copy !req
252. Oh, dear! We don't want that!Copy !req
253. Anyhoo, the whole nightmare's
really made us sleepy.Copy !req
254. Let's hit the hay.Copy !req
255. Homie! Homie, wake up!Copy !req
256. - They've captured your crazed foreign carjacker!
- Huh?Copy !req
257. - But that's impossible.
- They're arresting him right now.Copy !req
258. - I did not do it, I tell ya!
- Uh-oh.Copy !req
259. At least, let me comb me hair.
It's all wild and bushy.Copy !req
260. What do you care, Loner.Copy !req
261. Well, look at that.
But who called the police?Copy !req
262. - We did.
- After we got Maggie to a safe house, of course.Copy !req
263. Hmm.
She hasn't touched her Manwich.Copy !req
264. You cannot do this to Willie!Copy !req
265. I'm innocent, I tell ya!Copy !req
266. They always say they're innocent.
It's such a turnoff.Copy !req
267. Dad, Willie got arrested 'cause of us!Copy !req
268. Of course he did, Son. He's a filthy crook.
Now let's all hit the hay.Copy !req
269. It's 10:00 in the morning.Copy !req
270. I guess you haven't
heard of chloroform.Copy !req
271. Will you tell the court your whereabouts
at the time of the carjacking?Copy !req
272. I was alone in me
Unabomber-style shack.Copy !req
273. I had nothing to do
with that carjacking.Copy !req
274. Carjacking? Who said anything
about a carjacking?Copy !req
275. - But didn't ya just say-Copy !req
276. - I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie!
- Objection!Copy !req
277. I'm gonna allow it. It characterizes
the defendant as a carjacker.Copy !req
278. - Dad, we've gotta tell everyone the truth.
- Let's see how this plays out.Copy !req
279. Mr. Simpson, could you
describe your assailant to the court?Copy !req
280. I told you my memory is fuzzy. Fuzzy!Copy !req
281. - Fuzzy like Willie's beard?Copy !req
282. Yes! Exactly! No, no. I mean
the whole incident is hazy.Copy !req
283. - Hazy like the moors of Scotland?Copy !req
284. - Yes, exactly!Copy !req
285. Ohh!Copy !req
286. Hey! Mountain Dew? Ohh!Copy !req
287. Mr. Foreman,
has the jury reached a verdict?Copy !req
288. I believe
we was promised $5.00 a day.Copy !req
289. - All right then. Guilty!Copy !req
290. Carjacker Willie, I sentence you
to 10 years in prison!Copy !req
291. - Dad, tell them!
- When the time is right.Copy !req
292. Ten years?
But I "didna" do it!Copy !req
293. - Sure you "didna." Now let's get you to Attica-
- No!Copy !req
294. You'll never send me up the river!Copy !req
295. - Dad.
- Let's see where he's going with this.Copy !req
296. - Willie, as your employer, I insist-Copy !req
297. - Oh!Copy !req
298. Stop! This has gone on
just long enough!Copy !req
299. Nobody carjacked me.Copy !req
300. I tried to pull a con
and got conned myself.Copy !req
301. And then I lied to you all.Copy !req
302. So did Bart.Copy !req
303. - Okay, players, that's a wrap!Copy !req
304. Huh?Copy !req
305. - Nice work, everybody.
- Wait a minute. This whole thing was a setup?Copy !req
306. But Skinner got shot. Aah!Copy !req
307. Yup. Blanks and a blood pack.Copy !req
308. - Hey, watch it!
- I look like cable TV.Copy !req
309. What about that bullet hole
in your hair?Copy !req
310. Squibs.Copy !req
311. Yeah, we hornswoggled you good.Copy !req
312. But what about the guy
who took my car?Copy !req
313. Devon Bradley. Character actor,
dancer, singer. I'm a triple threat!Copy !req
314. He's doing Dreamcoat
at the dinner theater.Copy !req
315. - I can't believe everyone was in on it.
- Willie wasn't!Copy !req
316. Wait a minute. You're telling me
the police force, the TV news...Copy !req
317. a courthouse full of people,
and a popular entertainer...Copy !req
318. had nothing better to do than
to teach me and Bart a lesson?Copy !req
319. I know it seems far-fetched,
even insulting to your intelligence.Copy !req
320. But there's a simple and highly
satisfying explanation. You see-Copy !req
321. Hey, everybody!
Surf s up!Copy !req
322. - Cowabunga!
- Woo!Copy !req
323. Hey!Copy !req
324. Ohh!Copy !req
325. - Hey!
- Aah!Copy !req
326. - Shh!Copy !req