The Simpsons 12x3

Directed by Bob Anderson

John Updike as John Updike (voice) • Stephen King as Stephen King (voice) • Amy Tan as Amy Tan (voice) • Jay Mohr as Christopher Walken (voice) • Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony (voice)

Krusty takes parenting lessons from Homer when, during an outdoor book fair, a girl tells Krusty that she is his long-lost daughter from a one-night stand with a female soldier who fought during the first Gulf War.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. The Simpsons.

2. This watermelon won't know what hit it.

3. I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.

4. Don't you two have a list of chores to do?

5. Hey, we just took care of that dangerous melon

6. that was threatening our garden.

7. Yeah, we're heroes.

8. But where's our parade?

9. All right. "Open stuck drawer."

10. All righty.

11. - It's hopeless. - Or is it?

12. Yeah, it's hopeless.

13. I said, "Or is it?"

14. I said, "It's..." Oh.

15. Homer, what are you doing?

16. Listen, do you want the job done right

17. or do you want it done fast?

18. Well, like all Americans, fast, but...

19. Clear!

20. You can't argue with results.

21. Ooh, baby!

22. Oh, don't worry.

23. You'll be sleeping in this beautiful new doghouse.

24. Target date, January 2007.

25. And now, the grand finale.

26. "Get Lisa's jammed tape out of VCR."

27. Wait... wait a minute.

28. There.

29. Fire in the hole!

30. It's going to take a lot of fireworks

31. to clean this place up.

32. What's going on here?

33. Uh, honey...

34. there's a point in every father's life

35. when he blows up his daughter's room.

36. Oh, yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room.

37. Oh, Lisa, this must be a rough time for you.

38. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with?

39. You've ruined all my stuff.

40. Oh, come on. Tell us how we can make it up to you.

41. Hey, pretend it's your birthday!

42. It is my birthday.

43. That's the spirit. Now, what do you want to do?

44. Well, the book festival starts today...

45. Anything at all. You name it.

46. What do you want to do?

47. Stupid Lisa.

48. Hear ye, hear ye!

49. One dollar off on all poetry books!

50. Their hands were everywhere.

51. Hello, Simpsons.

52. Care to try a sample from my new cookbook...

53. Someone's in the Kitchen with Jesus?

54. Mm, these stigmuffins are to die for!

55. Oh, if you like that, you should try.

56. Mary Magdalene's chocolate orgasm.

57. Ooh, OK.

58. So, Mr. King, what tale of horror

59. and the macabre are you working on now?

60. Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.

61. Oh, that's too bad.

62. I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin.

63. He's a fascinating man.

64. He discovered electricity

65. and used it to torture small animals

66. and Green Mountain men.

67. And that key he tied to the end of a kite?

68. It opened The Gates of Hell!

69. Well, let me know when you get back to horror.

70. Will do.

71. Hi. With my Info Cram 6000,

72. you can absorb books instantly

73. by attaching this electrode to the brain pan

74. and this one to the loi-ns.

75. Tolstoy... Searing... Brain...

76. With my diet you can eat all you want

77. any time you want.

78. And you lose weight?

79. Uh, you might. It's a free country.

80. Finally, books for today's busy idiot.

81. Network Programming for Dummies.

82. Christianity for Dummies.

83. Mo... Moby Dick?

84. "Call me Ishmael, dummy."

85. How did you write all these books?

86. Uh, I don't know.

87. Me got to go to bank now.

88. Look, Maggie. Christopher Walken's reading Goodnight, Moon.

89. "Good night, room.

90. Good night, moon.

91. Good night, cow jumping over the moon."

92. Please, children, scootch closer.

93. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching.

94. You in the red, chop-chop.

95. All right, does anyone have a question for our panel

96. that's not about how much money they make?

97. Uh, yeah. I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know,

98. is the B-2 Bomber more detectable when it rains?

99. - Oh-ho. What do you think, Tom Clancy? - Well, the B-2...

100. No, no, I was asking Maya Angelou.

101. The ebony fighter awakens

102. dappled with the dewy beads of morn.

103. Maya Angelou is black?

104. It is a Mach 5 child

105. forever bound to suckle

106. from the shriveled breast of Congress.

107. Oh, Maya, you're a national treasure.

108. Ms. Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club.

109. It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond

110. could triumph over adversity.

111. No, that's not what I meant at all.

112. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong.

113. - But... - Please, just sit down.

114. I'm embarrassed for both of us.

115. Book writing.

116. What a scam, huh?

117. It's only 20 pages long.

118. And this guy wrote it for me.

119. - What's your name again? - John Updike.

120. Whoa, whoa! I didn't ask for your life story.

121. So, you really know Krusty?

122. What's he like?

123. Oh, he's wonderful.

124. He would do anything for his fans.

125. Hurry up, kid.

126. - Name? - Hey, it's me, Bart.

127. - Your biggest fan. - Hey, good for you, 'cause I wanna...

128. know that all my fans are all...

129. "K the C"?

130. Hey, this pen's got to last me all day.

131. Now, if you could up, bup, bup, bup, bup! Yeah.

132. - Name? - My name is Sophie.

133. Hey, good luck with that.

134. I'm your daughter.

135. What?

136. I finally found my daddy.

137. Ohh... I think I just seltzered myself.

138. Shut up, Updike!

139. Listen, honey, a lot of kids

140. think of me as their daddy,

141. but I'm just a simple TV legend.

142. Here, have a keychain.

143. No, I'm sure you're my father.

144. You met my mom during the Gulf War.

145. Oh. Was your mother an Israeli flight attendant?

146. - No. - Cokie Roberts?

147. No, she was a soldier.

148. Chestnut brown hair, kind of shy,

149. thirty-two confirmed kills.

150. Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy... Now it's coming back to me.

151. Saddam Hussein?

152. They should call him "so damn insane." Ha ha...

153. Hey, you're just fanning the flames of hatred.

154. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

155. Now, just when you thought the desert couldn't get any hotter,

156. it's the Cincinnati Bengal cheerleaders!

157. Hey, I can't look at that. I have a girlfriend back home.

158. This is an insult to our Muslim hosts.

159. During the show, a desert wind kicked up.

160. I sought shelter in a nearby tent.

161. There was your mother

162. looking like a beautiful mirage.

163. Maybe it was the anthrax in the air.

164. Maybe it was the fact the Arab women weren't biting.

165. Whatever it was, it was magic.

166. We slept late into the morning, and then...

167. My God, I'm late for my mission!

168. Here's your mission... Get down with the clown!

169. - Oh, come on, baby. - No, not now!

170. I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam.

171. Wait a minute, you can't kill Saddam.

172. He's half my act!

173. Oh, stop.

174. No!

175. I just saved my baseball bit.

176. Who's Sayin's on first, Iya Tol'ya's on second, and...

177. You stupid clown!

178. When I came to, she was gone

179. and the war had been over for eight months.

180. Anyway, how'd you finally find me?

181. All my mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown.

182. So, I typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine

183. and your name popped right up.

184. It's Mom.

185. Hey, how you been? Remember me?

186. Uh... You better get going.

187. It was nice meeting you. Thanks for coming out.

188. But I was hoping maybe we could do some stuff together

189. like go to the beach and junk.

190. Look, you're a sweet kid,

191. but I'm not exactly father material.

192. I curse, I gamble,

193. I pick fights with homeless people,

194. I... What's wrong with your eyes?

195. You need a Claritin or something?

196. Oh, all right.

197. You get one trip to the beach, with my assistant.

198. OK, I'll take you.

199. Yay!

200. Dear Lord, bless this humble meal.

201. And did you hear about Krusty?

202. Whoo, man.

203. I mean, I knew he was a player, but, geez, a kid?

204. Homer, that's not a prayer. That's gossip.

205. Fine, I'll just discuss heavenly matters.

206. So, how's Maude Flanders doing up there?

207. Is she playing the field?

208. Ooh, yeah, really?

209. All those guys?

210. Amen.

211. OK, kid, there's the water.

212. - Knock yourself out. - Come on, Dad.

213. Let's go bodysurfing or boogie boarding.

214. Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad

215. who, you know, does things

216. or says stuff, or looks at you.

217. But the love is there.

218. Where are you? Give Daddy a clue.

219. Oh, that's my girl.

220. OK, you just sit there

221. and I'll throw the Frisbee to you.

222. Oh, I got to sit up now?

223. Oh! What am I, Baryshnikov?

224. Hey, you beat me.

225. What a great day we've had, huh?

226. You know... for a clown,

227. you're not really a lot of fun.

228. Boy, fatherhood is one tough gig.

229. I don't get how other guys do it.

230. Ready? Switch!

231. Hey, careful, boys.

232. That arch is looking a little Romanesque.

233. Sorry, Daddy. How should I punish myself?

234. No, son. You let them finish, then you smash it.

235. That's a good boy.

236. Mush, Homer, mush!

237. Catch, Dad! Catch!

238. OK, that stings Daddy's eyes, honey.

239. Hmm, I think I found my mentor.

240. - Heads up! - You know, Homer,

241. I've spent my whole life entertaining kids

242. and I just realized I don't know the first thing about them.

243. Well, I won't lie. Fatherhood isn't easy, like motherhood,

244. but I wouldn't trade it for anything...

245. except for some mag wheels.

246. Oh, man, that would be sweet.

247. Dad! Dad!

248. Just a second, honey, Daddy's on his high horse.

249. Dad!

250. Yeah, I'm watching, honey.

251. Nice cannonball.

252. Anywho, the key to fathering is don't overthink

253. 'cause overthinking is, um...

254. What were we talking about?

255. Ooh, a clown!

256. Well, I like that girl.

257. She's the cutest little thing I know.

258. Plus she likes me back.

259. And all mine from head to toe.

260. Yeah, she never makes me wonder when it comes to that.

261. When my head's in a whirl.

262. 'Cause I like that girl.

263. At a beauty contest.

264. She's the kind just couldn't lose.

265. She ain't lost one yet.

266. Kid, I gotta admit

267. you're starting to grow on me.

268. Same here, Dad.

269. It's nice that you don't always have to be on.

270. I thought I was on! When was I off?

271. That bit about the tide pool?

272. I tell you, it killed at Jacques Cousteau's funeral.

273. Dad, relax.

274. Just enjoy the sunset.

275. Hey, I know that song.

276. My dad used to play that when I was a boy.

277. - It's beautiful. - Do you play?

278. No, I guess musical talent skips a generation,

279. like diabetes.

280. You might want to watch out for that, too.

281. Mom, I had the best time!

282. Can Dad come in for milk and cookies?

283. Why, I'd love to... Whoa!

284. Oskar Homolka!

285. That's OK. I think I'll go somewhere friendlier

286. like beautiful Downtown Grozny!

287. Zoom.

288. My little girl's sharp as a tack.

289. I tried the "Got your nose" bit on her...

290. Didn't fool her for a second.

291. My uncle still has my nose.

292. Oh, what a lousy hand.

293. - I'll stand. - I raise. Two G's.

294. - I'm out. - Fold-a-rama.

295. Can we make this hand high-low?

296. - No. - I fold.

297. Krusty, are you in, or are you out?

298. Oh, man, I'm totally tapped.

299. Would you consider taking my Rolex?

300. You mean, this one?

301. Oh, yeah, right.

302. Just let me go to my car.

303. A weema-way, a weema-way, a weema-way, a weema-way...

304. Don't do that.

305. Let's see, the sweater,

306. the custom floor mat...

307. the stereo!

308. Theft alert. Deploy airbag.

309. Best hand of my life, and I can't even...

310. Huh? Sophie's violin? Oh, no, I couldn't.

311. Do it do it do it do it.

312. She'll never know.

313. Well, it won't bring much cash,

314. but its sentimental value is through the roof.

315. It is acceptable.

316. Then I'm in, and I call!

317. Four aces.

318. - Read them and... - Straight flush.

319. Oh, no! No!

320. You can't!

321. My daughter will never forgive me!

322. Oh, wait. Now I can do it for real.

323. - Hey, hey, Dad. - Hey, hey!

324. Now, look, Sophie.

325. I know you think your daddy's perfect...

326. - No, I don't. - ... but I did a bad thing.

327. I lost your violin in a poker game.

328. - You what? - But don't worry.

329. I got you an even better one.

330. This is a ukulele.

331. Yeah, the thinking man's violin. Check it out.

332. I want to go back to my little grass shack.

333. In Kealakekua, Hawaii!

334. I want my violin.

335. But, honey, I...

336. I can't believe you would gamble with something

337. that meant so much to me.

338. Wait. Time out.

339. Four aces is not a gamble.

340. Mom was right.

341. I was better off not knowing you.

342. Word on the street is you dumped Dawson.

343. He's history, Jenda.

344. Wait till he sees me with that new exchange student.

345. I'm all for ethnic diversity, but this is just pandering.

346. Maybe so, but Dawson's going to be bummed.

347. You got to help me. My daughter found out I'm a jerk.

348. Oh, Krusty, I'm sure she just needs time to get used to you.

349. Marge, may I play devil's advocate for a moment?

350. Sure. Go ahead.

351. Come on, get in there!

352. Stupid game.

353. Now, what were we talking about?

354. - My daughter's violin. - Oh, right.

355. Why don't we just break into fat Tony's compound

356. and get it back?

357. Really? You'd help me take on the mob?

358. For a casual acquaintance like you? Absolutely.

359. It's some kind of mafia summit.

360. Every mob family in the country's here.

361. The Cuomos, the Travoltas,

362. the Lasordas, the Boy-ar-dees...

363. This is perfect.

364. If I know fat Tony, which I don't,

365. he'll be distracted by his hosting duties.

366. Come on.

367. Idiots.

368. Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight.

369. Maybe we should look up.

370. Nah. For me, it's solar or nothing.

371. Welcome to my home.

372. To answer your first question,

373. yes, we do have pasta.

374. Hey, all right! I like pasta. That's good.

375. If you need money laundered, just set it outside your door.

376. You can pick it up in the morning.

377. Whoa, hey!

378. Beautiful.

379. Now, some unpleasant news.

380. I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer.

381. We've narrowed it down to either.

382. Johnny Tightlips

383. or Frankie the Squealer.

384. OK, it's me. I can't help it.

385. I just like squealing.

386. It makes me feel big.

387. All right, come on, you're history.

388. That violin's got to be around here somewhere.

389. Had enough, Squealer?

390. Did you know fat Tony's real name is Marion?

391. You just don't get it, do you?

392. Bingo!

393. Oh, it's going to take forever to go through all these.

394. I have a plan.

395. Well, that didn't work.

396. Hey, legs, let's go jump on Tony's bed.

397. Sure. Ahh. Uh-oh.

398. We got to get out of here. Just take them all!

399. Then it's decided.

400. Our website name will be crime.org.

401. I think we're in the clear.

402. Homer, I've got it!

403. Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit you?

404. - I ain't saying nothing. - But what do I tell the doctor?

405. Tell him to suck a lemon.

406. Hey!

407. You did it!

408. You got it back.

409. Thanks, Dad.

410. "Dad." That still sounds weird to me,

411. but I'm glad we're friends again.

412. And you've lined the case with money.

413. Small bills, unmarked and non-sequential.

414. Holy Simoleons!

415. There must be five grand in there...

416. oh, which I intentionally put in there for you,

417. you... you lucky little hamantashen.

418. Come on, how about a tune for the old man?

419. That's him, that's the one... Homer Simpson!

420. I said I was sorry.

421. - All right, fair enough. - Oh, OK.

422. - Class act. - Sorry...

423. You're such jerks!

424. Ow! That bullet went in!

425. Just like Cinderella, the prince solved the mystery.

426. Well, I conducted the test myself.

427. And that slip looks just the right size to me.

428. Well, I like that girl.

429. She's the cutest little thing I know.

430. Plus, she likes me back.

431. And all mine from head to toe.

432. Yeah, she never makes me wonder when it comes to that.

433. When my head's in a whirl.

434. 'Cause I like that girl.

435. Shut up, Updike!

436. Captioned by Visual Data Media Services