The Simpsons 12x3

Directed by Bob Anderson

Krusty takes parenting lessons from Homer when, during an outdoor book fair, a girl tells Krusty that she is his long-lost daughter from a one-night stand with a female soldier who fought during the first Gulf War.

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1. D'oh!

2. This watermelon won't know what hit it.

3. I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.

4. Don't you two have a list of chores to do?

5. Hey, we just took care of that dangerous melon that was threatening our garden.

6. Yeah. We're heroes. But where's our parade?

7. All right. "Open stuck drawer."

8. All righty.

9. - It's hopeless. - Or is it?

10. - Yeah, it's hopeless. - I said, "Or is it?"

11. I said, "It-" Oh.

12. - Homer, what are you doing?

13. Listen, do you want the job done right or do you want it done fast?

14. Well, like all Americans, fast. But-

15. Clear!

16. Hmm. Well, you can't argue with results.

17. Oh, baby.

18. Oh, don't worry. You'll be sleeping in this beautiful new doghouse.

19. - Target date: January 2007.

20. And now, the grand finale. "Get Lisa's jammed tape out of VCR."

21. Whoops. Wait a minute. There.

22. Fire in the hole!

23. Hmm.

24. It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up.

25. What's going on here?

26. Uh, honey, there's a point in every father's life...

27. when he blows up his daughter's room.

28. - Oh, yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room.

29. Oh, Lisa. This must be a rough time for you.

30. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with?

31. You've ruined all my stuff.

32. Oh, come on. Tell us how we can make it up to you. Hey, pretend it's your birthday!

33. - It is my birthday! - That's the spirit. Now what do you want to do?

34. Well, the book festival starts today-

35. Anything at all. You name it. What do you want to do?

36. Stupid Lisa.

37. Hear ye! Hear ye! One dollar off on all poetry books!

38. - All right!

39. Their hands were everywhere.

40. Hello, Simpsons.

41. Care to try a sample from my new cookbook-

42. Someone's in the Kitchen with Jesus.

43. Mmm! These stigmuffins are to die for.

44. Oh, if you like that, you should try Mary Magdalene's Chocolate Orgasm.

45. Ooh, okay.

46. Mmm!

47. So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?

48. Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.

49. Oh, that's too bad.

50. I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man.

51. He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men.

52. And that key he tied to the end of a kite?

53. It opened the gates of hell!

54. Well, let me know when you get back to horror.

55. Will do.

56. Hey, with my Info Cram 6000...

57. you can absorb books instantly by attaching this electrode to the brainpan...

58. and this one to the... loins!

59. Tolstoy... searing... brain-

60. With my diet, you can eat all you want anytime you want.

61. - And you lose weight? - Uh, you might. It's a free country.

62. Finally, books for today's busy idiot.

63. Network Programming for Dummies.

64. Christianity for Dummies. Mo- Moby Dick?

65. "Call me Ishmael, dummy."

66. How did you write all these books?

67. Duh, I don't know. Me gotta go to bank now.

68. Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading Goodnight Moon.

69. "Good night, room. Good night, moon.

70. Good night, cow jumping over the moon."

71. Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooching.

72. You in the red, chop-chop. Hmm.

73. Eh.

74. All right, does anyone have a question for our panel...

75. - that's not about how much money they make? - Uh, yeah.

76. I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know...

77. is the B-2 bomber more detectable when it rains?

78. - Oh. What do you think, Tom Clancy? - Well, the B-2-

79. No, no, no. I was asking Maya Angelou.

80. The ebony fighter awakens dappled with the dewy beads of morn.

81. - Maya Angelou is black? - It is a Mach-five child...

82. forever bound to suckle from the shriveled breast of Congress.

83. Oh, Maya, you're a national treasure.

84. Ms. Tan, I loved TheJoy Luck Club.

85. It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond can triumph over adversity.

86. No. That's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong.

87. - But- - Please, just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us.

88. Mmm.

89. Ew.

90. Book writing, what a scam, huh?

91. It's only 20 pages long, and this guy wrote it for me. What's your name again?

92. - John Updike. - Whoa, whoa. I didn't ask for your life story.

93. So you really know Krusty? What's he like?

94. Oh, he's wonderful. He would do anything for his fans.

95. Hurry up, kid.

96. - Name? - Hey, it's me, Bart.

97. - Your biggest fan. - Hey, good for you, 'cause I wanna...

98. uh, know that all my fans are, you know-

99. "K the C"?

100. Hey, this pen's gotta last me all day!

101. Now if you could bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, yeah.

102. - Name? - My name is Sophie.

103. - Hey, good luck with that. - I'm your daughter.

104. - What? - I finally found my daddy.

105. Ohh! I think I just "seltzered" myself.

106. - Shut up, Updike!

107. Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy.

108. But I'm just a simple TV legend. Here, have a key chain.

109. No. I'm sure you're my father.

110. You met my mom during the Gulf War.

111. - Ohh. Was your mother an Israeli flight attendant? - No.

112. - Cokie Roberts? - No, she was a soldier.

113. Chestnut brown hair, kind of shy, 32 confirmed kills-

114. Oh! Oh, boy. Now it's coming back to me.

115. Saddam Hussein? They should call him "So-Damn-Insane!"

116. Hey! You're just fanning the flames of hatred!

117. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

118. Now just when you thought the desert couldn't get any hotter...

119. it's the Cincinnati Bengals cheerleaders!

120. Hey, I can't look at that! I have a girlfriend back home!

121. This is an insult to our Muslim hosts!

122. During the show, a desert wind kicked up.

123. I sought shelter in a nearby tent.

124. Huh? Ohh.

125. There was your mother looking like a beautiful mirage.

126. Maybe it was the anthrax in the air.

127. Maybe it was the fact the Arab women weren't bitin'.

128. Whatever it was, it was magic.

129. We slept late into the morning. And then-

130. My God! I'm late for my mission!

131. Here's your mission. Get down with the clown.

132. - Oh, come on, baby. - No, not now!

133. - I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam! - Wait a minute!

134. You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act!

135. - No, stop! - No!

136. No!

137. I just saved my baseball bit.

138. "Who-say-in's on first, lya-toll-ya's on second and-" Aah!

139. Stupid clown!

140. When I came to, she was gone, and the war had been over for eight months.

141. Anyway, how'd you finally find me?

142. All Mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown.

143. So I typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine and your name popped right up.

144. - It's Mom!

145. Hey, how you been? Remember me?

146. - You better get going.

147. It was nice meeting you. Thanks for coming out.

148. But I was hoping maybe we could do some stuff together, like go to the beach and junk.

149. Look, you're a sweet kid. But I'm not exactly father material.

150. I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people, l-

151. What's wrong with your eyes? You need a Claritin or something?

152. Oh, all right.

153. - You get one trip to the beach... with my assistant. - Mmm.

154. - Okay, I'll take you. - Yea!

155. Dear Lord, bless this humble meal.

156. And did you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man!

157. I mean, I knew he was a player, but geez, a kid?

158. Homer, that's not a prayer. That's gossip.

159. Fine. I'll just discuss heavenly matters.

160. So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? She playin' the field?

161. Ooh! Yeah, really? All those guys?

162. Amen.

163. Okay, kid, there's the water. Knock yourself out.

164. Come on, Dad. Let's go bodysurfing or boogie boarding.

165. Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things...

166. or says stuff, or looks at you, but the love is there.

167. Where are you? Give Daddy a clue.

168. Aw, that's my girl.

169. Okay, you just sit there and I'll throw the Frisbee to you.

170. Ohh! I gotta sit up now?

171. Ohh! What am I, Baryshnikov? Ohh!

172. Hey, you beat me! What a great day we've had, huh?

173. You know, for a clown, you're not really a lot of fun.

174. - Ohh.

175. Boy, fatherhood is one tough gig. I don't get how other guys do it.

176. Ready, switch!

177. Hey, uh, careful, boys. That arch is looking a little Romanesque.

178. Sorry, Daddy. How should I punish myself?

179. No, Son. You let 'em finish, then you smash it. That's a good boy.

180. - Mush, Homer! Mush! - Catch, Dad! Catch!

181. Okay, that stings daddy's eyes, honey.

182. Hmm. I think I found my mentor.

183. Heads up!

184. You know, Homer, I've spent my whole life entertaining kids.

185. But I just realized I don't know the first thing about 'em.

186. Well, I won't lie. Fatherhood isn't easy- like motherhood-

187. but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

188. Except for some mag wheels. Oh, man. That would be sweet.

189. Dad! Dad!

190. Just a second, honey! Daddy's on his high horse!

191. - Dad! - Yeah, I'm watching, honey! Nice cannonball!

192. Anyhoo, the key to fathering is don't overthink, because overthinking is, um-

193. What were we talking about? Ooh, a clown!

194. Kid, I gotta admit.

195. You're starting to grow on me.

196. Same here, Dad. It's nice that you don't always have to be on.

197. I thought I was on! When was I off? That bit about the tide pool?

198. I tell ya, it killed at Jacques Cousteau's funeral.

199. Dad, relax. Just enjoy the sunset.

200. Hey, I know that song. My dad used to play that when I was a boy.

201. - It's beautiful. - Do you play?

202. No. I guess musical talent skips a generation, like diabetes.

203. You might want to watch out for that too.

204. Mom, I had the best time. Can Dad come in for milk and cookies?

205. Why I'd love to- Ohh!

206. Oskar Homolka!

207. That's okay.

208. I think I'll go somewhere friendlier, like beautiful downtown Grozny.

209. Zoom!

210. My little girl's sharp as a tack.

211. I tried the "got your nose" bit on her, didn't fool her for a second.

212. My uncle still has my nose.

213. Hmm? Ohh, ohh, ohh!

214. Oh, what a- ha, ha- lousy hand. I'll stand.

215. I raise two G's.

216. - I'm out. - Fold-o-rama.

217. - Can we make this hand high-low? - No.

218. - I fold. - Krusty, are you in or are you out?

219. Oh, man. I'm totally tapped. Would you consider taking my Rolex?

220. - You mean this one? - Oh, yeah. Right. Just let me go to my car.

221. Hmm? Let's see, a sweater...

222. a custom floor mat- the stereo!

223. Theft alert. Deploy air bag.

224. Yaah!

225. Best hand of my life and I can't even-

226. Huh? Sophie's violin. Oh, no, I couldn't!

227. - Hmm.

228. Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value's through the roof.

229. It is acceptable.

230. Then I'm in and I call! Four aces!

231. - Read 'em and- - Straight flush!

232. Oh, no! Oh, no! You can't! My daughter will never forgive me!

233. Oh, wait. Now I can do it for real.

234. - Hey, hey, Dad!

235. Hey, hey! Now look, Sophie, I know you think your daddy's perfect.

236. - No, I don't. - But I did a bad thing. I lost your violin in a poker game.

237. - You what? - But don't worry! I got you an even better one!

238. - This is a ukulele. - Yeah, the thinking man's violin. Check it out.

239. - I want my violin. - But honey, l-

240. I can't believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.

241. Wait! Time out! Four aces is not a gamble.

242. Mom was right. I was better off not knowing you.

243. Word on the street is you dumped Dawson.

244. He's history, Jenda. Wait till he sees me with that new exchange student.

245. Hola, Harmony. ¿Que es el dilly-yo?

246. I'm all for ethnic diversity, but this is just pandering.

247. Maybe so. But Dawson's gonna be bummed.

248. You gotta help me! My daughter found out I'm a jerk!

249. Oh, Krusty. I'm sure she just needs time to get used to you.

250. - Marge, may I play devil's advocate for a moment? - Sure, go ahead.

251. - Come on! Get- Get in there!

252. - D'oh! Stupid game!

253. - Now what were we talking about? - My daughter's violin!

254. Oh, right. Why don't we just break into Fat Tony's compound and get it back?

255. Really? You'd help me take on the mob?

256. For a casual acquaintance like you? Absolutely.

257. It's some kind of Mafia summit!

258. Every mob family in the country's here.

259. The Cuomos, the Travoltas, the Lasordas, the Boyardees.

260. This is perfect. If I know Fat Tony, which I don't...

261. he'll be distracted by his hosting duties.

262. - Come on!

263. Idiots.

264. Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up.

265. Nah. For me it's solar or nothin'.

266. Welcome to my home. To answer your first question, yes, we do have pasta.

267. Hey, all right. I love pasta. That's good.

268. If you need money laundered, just set it outside your door.

269. - You can pick it up in the morning. - Oh, hey!

270. - Beautiful. - Now some unpleasant news.

271. I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer.

272. We've narrowed it down to either Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer.

273. Okay, it's me! I can't help it! I just like squealin'! It makes me feel big!

274. All right, come on. You're history.

275. The violin's gotta be around here somewhere.

276. - Had enough, Squealer?

277. Did you know Fat Tony's real name is Marion?

278. You just don't get it, do ya?

279. Bingo!

280. - D'oh! - D'oh!

281. Oh, it's gonna take forever to go through all of these.

282. I have a plan.

283. Well, that didn't work.

284. - Hey, Legs. Let's gojump on Tony's bed. - Sure.

285. - Uh-oh! - We gotta get outta here. Just take 'em all!

286. Then it's decided. Our Web site name will be crime. Org.

287. - I think we're in the clear.

288. Homer, I got it!

289. - Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit you? - I ain't sayin' nothin'.

290. - But what do I tell the doctor? - Tell him to suck a lemon.

291. - Hey.

292. You did it! You got it back!

293. Thanks, Dad.

294. Dad. That still sounds weird to me. But I'm glad we're friends again.

295. - And you've lined the case with money. - Huh?

296. Small bills, unmarked and nonsequential.

297. Holy samolians! There must be five grand in there!

298. Oh, which I intentionally put in there for you.

299. Hey, you lucky little Hamantaschen, you.

300. Come on. How about a tune for the old man?

301. That's him! That's the one! Homer Simpson!

302. - I said I was sorry.

303. - All right. Fair enough. - Class act.

304. Sorry you're such jerks! Ha, ha!

305. - Ow!

306. Ow! That bullet went in!

307. Shh.

308. - Shut up, Updike!