The Simpsons 12x11

Tom Savini as Tom Savini (voice) • Richard Nixon as Self (voice) (archive footage)

Bart and Milhouse are banned from The Android Dungeon after stopping Comic Book Guy from buying a box of priceless Star Wars memorabilia for $5, but are hired as his replacements when Comic Book Guy has a heart attack and is advised to leave his job in order to make friends.

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1. The Simpsons.

2. D-oh!

3. Mmm... good pancakes, Mom.

4. Well, thank you, honey.

5. They come in a squeeze bottle now.

6. I better put on the silencer.

7. You know what would be good with these

8. is some Ms. Butterworth.

9. Let's have a breakfast meeting.

10. How long has this baking soda been in here?

11. I don't know. It came with the house.

12. Hey, Dad, bet you five bucks you can't eat the whole box.

13. Five? Why don't we make it $50?

14. You're going to regret this.

15. I'll call Poison Control.

16. Fran? It's me.

17. Just a heads-up.

18. Wow...

19. The absorbed odors of a million meals.

20. Oh, so many flavors.

21. All those tasty memories flooding back...

22. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.

23. Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency...

24. That's one small step for man...

25. one giant leap for mankind.

26. Dad's having an antacid trip.

27. And I won 50 bucks.

28. Can I see the 50, Bart?

29. Can I? Huh?

30. Milhouse, my friend

31. you and I are going on a spending spree.

32. My doctor says

33. I'm not supposed to go on sprees.

34. What about jags?

35. Jags are fine.

36. Wonderful.

37. A $50 bill!

38. Gentlemen...

39. let us shop.

40. Our wide variety of gum

41. comes in both stick and ball.

42. I'm not really about gum

43. but I like the whole chewing thing.

44. Are you averse to crispy centers, sir?

45. - Not at all. - Then we have much to discuss.

46. Oh... too much raw bacon.

47. Come on, Bart.

48. We can't stop spending now.

49. There's one thing I've always wanted to do.

50. My Mom doesn't believe in fabric softener,

51. but she's not around.

52. I'm picking the next thing.

53. It looks like we're down to our last ten bucks.

54. Hello.

55. Radioactive Man number 1000, please.

56. Ten dollars? I laugh at you.

57. Please to note, this is no ordinary comic book.

58. It is in Perma-Mint condition.

59. If you spill soda on it

60. the drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics.

61. Whoa!

62. Yes, you are quite correct to gasp.

63. Also note the price, $25.

64. We had to buy lunch for that homeless guy.

65. While my son's at fat camp

66. I cleaned out his room.

67. How much will you give me for this?

68. Probably nothing, but let us see.

69. Oh... handwritten script for Star Wars by George Lucas?

70. Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape?

71. Film reel labeled.

72. "Alternate Ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca"?

73. I'll give you five dollars for the box.

74. Sold.

75. Don't do it, lady. That stuff's worth thousands.

76. Yeah. He's ripping you off.

77. Well! If this is valuable

78. then back to the leaky basement it goes.

79. Smile, please.

80. Thank you.

81. Son, I know it hurts.

82. I still remember my first lifetime banning.

83. Hey, where's my melon?

84. What the...

85. And you are banned for life

86. from all of my performances and TV specials.

87. But I can still see your movies, right?

88. And I never saw Gallagher again.

89. Ooh, it says here

90. that special effects whiz Tom Savini

91. is going to be appearing at the comic book store tonight.

92. Tom Savini?

93. Yes. It says here

94. he's the movie magician behind Creepshow.

95. Friday the 13th, and Dawn of the Dead.

96. Oh... I can't believe I'm going to miss that.

97. Don't worry your spiky little head.

98. I've got it all planned out.

99. How could you have it planned out?

100. You just heard about the problem.

101. You're right. Give me a minute.

102. Mr. Simpson, it hurts.

103. Yeah, and why did we have to do this

104. all the way from home?

105. For once in my life, I'm tall.

106. Don't take that away from me.

107. Hello...

108. I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

109. Let us in, please.

110. You two are not welcome.

111. Sorry, son.

112. - Thanks for the tip-off. - No problem.

113. Appearing exclusively here at the Android's Dungeon...

114. Take that, Messieurs Barnes and Noble.

115. the king of splatter, Tom Savini.

116. Good evening.

117. Sorry. I had a really big dinner.

118. Whoo! Dinner!

119. But I'm sure one more French fry wouldn't hurt.

120. Oh, we missed "the gut-buster."

121. Yeah, that should be us covered with blood.

122. Sure, computer technology is here to stay

123. but there'll always be a place

124. for the practical special effects wizard.

125. I love the theater.

126. Oh, please.

127. I saw Paul Lynde

128. do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched.

129. Try to explode this out of my belly.

130. That's not a cookie.

131. That's a time-release blood pack.

132. You, sir, are a perfect patsy.

133. Let me shake your hand.

134. Ugh. To the gag, I will give a D-plus.

135. As for the workmanship on the hand...

136. That's not right.

137. You mocking me.

138. Oh, that is rich.

139. Stop your laughing!

140. You're all banned!

141. Banned, I tell you!

142. Ooh... Breath... short

143. left arm... numb.

144. Can't go on...

145. describing symptoms much longer.

146. I think he's had a heart attack.

147. Young man, you've had what we call

148. a "cardiac episode."

149. Worst... episode... ever.

150. Oh, not even close.

151. If these boys hadn't called 911

152. I'd be wearing that watch right now.

153. I'm just kidding.

154. But you would be dead.

155. You saved my life?

156. Yeah, after you were so mean to us.

157. So now we're even.

158. My prognosis... or is it diagnosis?

159. Whichever. You need to avoid stress.

160. Now, what kind of work do you do?

161. I run a comic book store.

162. Oh, dear Lord!

163. We call that profession "The Widowmaker."

164. Or we would, if any of the proprietors were married.

165. You should close down the store for a while.

166. But I'd lose all my business to Frodo's of Shelbyville.

167. Well, then get a friend to run it for you.

168. You... do have friends, don't you?

169. Well, the Superfriends.

170. You should get some friends

171. who aren't printed on paper.

172. What? You mean action figures?

173. We'll run the store for you.

174. Two ten-year-olds running my store?

175. W... what is this? Bizarro World?

176. Calm down.

177. Don't make me put a dog heart in there.

178. Can you believe it, Bart?

179. We're actually running a comic book store.

180. Looks like our lifetime ban just expired.

181. Sorry. Sorry.

182. OK, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions,

183. "A carton of malted milk balls

184. "one box confectioner's sugar

185. a can of chocolate frosting..."

186. That's just his shopping list.

187. No, it's his instructions.

188. Well, we're going to make some changes around here.

189. This store is going to be run by kids

190. and for kids.

191. You said it, partner.

192. Oh, nice to see you.

193. Hey, how about that Bloodzilla?

194. Vampire Dinosaur.

195. Oh... you can't make that stuff up.

196. The Death of Sad Sack.

197. This better not be another fake-out.

198. Uh-uh. You've got to be 40 inches tall

199. for the adult section.

200. Please!

201. OK, but get on your tippy-toes.

202. Everybody's hugging.

203. Hey, Bart, I finished

204. organizing the stockroom.

205. Mark down the Poochie crap.

206. Then unstick all the Supergirls.

207. You know, if we're partners, maybe you should do some of the work.

208. Less barking, more marking.

209. Yes, sir, partner.

210. Now, when you've got a bum ticker like we do

211. you need all the friends you can get.

212. And Moe's is the friendliest place in the Rum District.

213. Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with you.

214. I'll give you till three.

215. One...

216. Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?

217. Oh, now be nice, Moe.

218. This guy just got out of the hospital.

219. Oh, sorry. Let me buy you a drink.

220. Very well.

221. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps.

222. Uh, these, uh... they're just painted on there.

223. Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings.

224. I'll pass.

225. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.

226. Hey... you knocking beer?

227. Nobody badmouths Duff.

228. Oh, piece of crap.

229. Come on. You're here to make friends.

230. Please, if I wanted to hear mindless droning

231. I'd befriend an air conditioner.

232. Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners.

233. Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal.

234. Get him!

235. And stay out!

236. Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness"?

237. Ah, yes.

238. Garrlll dak!

239. Milhouse, I'm impressed.

240. The store is so busy.

241. You and Bart are really great businessmen.

242. Well, I'm really the brains.

243. Bart's just the eye candy.

244. Hi. Eric Reynolds, Plan Nine Comics.

245. Is the manager here?

246. Well... I'm kind of the co-manager.

247. Tough break, Toots.

248. I need a man who answers to no one.

249. A full manager.

250. Hatchi-matchi!

251. I can help you, sir.

252. And I answer to no one.

253. Well, then, you'll want to stock up

254. on our new superhero.

255. Would you say he's the ultimate superhero?

256. Oh, very ultimate indeed.

257. Point your peepers

258. at Biclops.

259. A superhero with glasses!

260. Oh, yeah, thick glasses...

261. kind of like yours.

262. So, how many do you need? 500? 600?

263. Six hundred sounds good.

264. Oh, that's too bad.

265. There's a price break at 1,000.

266. Oh, man.

267. I'll take 2,000.

268. Human contact... the final frontier.

269. Out of the way, Tubby.

270. Oh, pardon me, "Oldie Hawn."

271. Wh... ah!

272. Why you ill-mannered sack of crap!

273. Oh, goody.

274. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

275. You are the rudest man who ever...

276. bought me dinner.

277. Correction. I do not believe

278. I have ever bought you... Oh.

279. So, how many issues of Biclops would you like?

280. Biclops?

281. Who's his girlfriend? Lois Lame?

282. He's kinda afraid of girls.

283. Ah, it doesn't even smack good.

284. How could you spend all our money

285. on a comic book published by LensCrafters?

286. We'll never sell these.

287. Birds won't even use them in their nests.

288. OK. So I made one bad decision.

289. It's my fault

290. for leaving you in charge.

291. Sometimes, I forget how young you are.

292. I'm only three months younger than you.

293. Oh, look, you're getting cranky.

294. You haven't had your juice.

295. Well, my straw broke off in the carton.

296. That's not the point!

297. We're supposed to be partners

298. and you're pushing me around

299. like a Playskool Corn Popper.

300. It's a vacuum cleaner, Milhouse.

301. Whatever! I demand respect!

302. I have feelings!

303. I'm a human boy!

304. Just like you!

305. Shh. Use your indoor voice.

306. OK, that's it.

307. En garde!

308. Eat watering can, partner!

309. Whoa!

310. Comic Book Guy's secret stash!

311. Look all these bootleg videos!

312. Alien Autopsy.

313. Illegal Alien Autopsy.

314. Godfather III, good version.

315. He's got the tape of Kent Brockman

316. picking his nose!

317. Look! He's picking his nose!

318. I'll be right down!

319. I'm just putting on my witch hazel.

320. So, uh, your mother tells me

321. you go to Springfield Elementary.

322. Exactly what is your interest in my mother?

323. She makes me laugh.

324. Here I come!

325. Good Lord, Mother, I can see your...

326. figure.

327. Oh, you see a lot more when you do my daily mole check.

328. What I do for my allowance money is nobody's business.

329. He's not nobody.

330. He might even be your new daddy.

331. "Police informant tape"?

332. These are never supposed to leave the station.

333. I really hate to be a snitch.

334. Don't worry.

335. Your yellow-bellied ratting will be held

336. in the strictest confidence.

337. Well, in that case...

338. My neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape in my house.

339. It's, uh, it's taken over the whole top floor.

340. It wasn't Dad's fault.

341. The ape tricked him.

342. What's next?

343. "Mr. Rogers drunk."

344. Well, what do you mean

345. I can't take off my sweater?

346. I'm hot!

347. You know, I'll bet kids would pay to see this stuff.

348. We could have a midnight screening right here in the store!

349. That's actually a great idea, Milhouse.

350. Really?

351. Well, I was due.

352. I'll say... partner.

353. So many restaurants.

354. Oh, I can't decide!

355. I throw myself on the mercy of the food court.

356. Um... I guess I'll have the chicken tandoori.

357. And I'll have the beef Wellington.

358. Oh, look at you two!

359. You look so couply.

360. Yes, we're a perfect match.

361. Her sneer just lights up my day.

362. And we're always finishing each other's insults.

363. And they called it.

364. Puppy love.

365. Oh, I guess they'll never know.

366. Oh, that does my heart good.

367. Really feels.

368. And I love her so.

369. Sunsets.

370. Thank God there's only one of these a day.

371. Could it be any more orange?

372. I must warn you that once this next tape starts

373. it will not stop, because that button is broken.

374. Let's watch.

375. If you are watching this tape

376. you are the President of the United States.

377. Hello, sir or ma'am.

378. Hopefully sir.

379. Got that right.

380. Yes!

381. The town of Springfield has been classified NWB

382. or "Nuclear Whipping Boy."

383. In the first moments of a nuclear war.

384. Springfield will be bombed at will by all friendly nations

385. to calibrate their missiles.

386. Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman.

387. Thanks a lot, Steve.

388. All right, this is a raid!

389. Well, well, well...

390. this place has got more pirated tapes than a...

391. A Chinese K-Mart?

392. Well, that'll have to do.

393. Uh, these yours, son?

394. No, sir.

395. We're just exhibiting them for profit without permission.

396. Fair enough.

397. But the owner is in more hot water than...

398. A Japanese tea bag?

399. Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou?

400. Baby, I'm-a want you.

401. Baby, I'm-a need you.

402. Well, you've changed me, Agnes.

403. Maybe there is room in my store for romance comics.

404. Nobody'll buy those.

405. Your store smells.

406. Now kiss me, Funny Face.

407. All right!

408. Oh, oh! Dear God!

409. Cover your eyes, boys.

410. It's OK, man.

411. If it doesn't affect you, you're not human.

412. Uh, Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest

413. for the possession of illegal videos.

414. But we'll reduce the sentence

415. if you put your pants on, fast!

416. God!

417. Come on, Romeo.

418. They can't lock me up for long, Agnes.

419. Will you wait for me?

420. Are you crazy?

421. My bones are half dust.

422. Well, we may not have the store

423. but at least we're friends again.

424. Yep.

425. And we haven't been to school

426. in days and days and days.

427. Oh, well.

428. Looks like everything's back to normal.

429. Look, if you want me to turn, just point.

430. That... ow!

431. It's one way!

432. Ow! Ow! Now what was that for?

433. Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!

434. Captioned by Visual Data Media Services