The Simpsons 11x22

Directed by Mark Kirkland

Buzz Aldrin as Buzz Aldrin (voice) • Tom Kite as himself (voice) • Tress MacNeille as Ms. Dare / Gwen / Homer's Cousin's Wife (voice) • Stephen Hawking as Stephen Hawking (voice) • Tom Kite as Tom Kite (voice) • Willie Nelson as Willie Nelson (voice) • Gary Coleman as Gary Coleman (voice)

A "Behind the Music"-style look at the Simpsons, narrated by VH1's Jim Forbes, shows their rise to stardom--and the "private hell" that followed.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'oh!

2. They were the first family of American laughter...

3. surfing a tidal wave of hilarity...

4. Look at her vacuum. - (laughing)

5. onto the sands of Superstar Bay.

6. But behind the chortles,

7. this funny fivesome was trapped

8. in a private hell.

9. Everybody wanted a piece of us.

10. They told us what to wear, how to dress,

11. which clothes we should put on.

12. The cops found me driving on the sidewalk.

13. I had no business hosting the Oscars.

14. After the show, Meryl Streep spit on me.

15. Tonight, the Simpsons as you've never seen them before

16. on Behind The Laughter.

17. The Simpsons' amazing journey began here

18. in the bustling heartland town of Springfield.

19. On this unassuming street, two nobodies

20. named Homer and Marge Simpson settled down to raise a family.

21. First came baby Bart...

22. then Lisa Simpson...

23. And finally, Maggie.

24. (gasps) Eh!

25. Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids.

26. They almost drove me to fortified wine.

27. Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV.

28. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.

29. I'd see them sitting on that couch all day long,

30. just staring at that Hollywood Hogwash.

31. Our favorite show was Hollywood Hogwash.

32. But we also loved The Dreck Squad.

33. The Malarkeys, Dumbin' it Down.

34. Sheriff Lowbrow.

35. Home Improvement.

36. But we never saw people like us on TV.

37. TV families were always hugging and tackling issues.

38. Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show.

39. Finally, I said, "So, do it."

40. Either (bleep) or get off the pot.

41. And (bleep) he did.

42. Using his home as the studio

43. and his family as the cast,

44. this penniless peckinpah

45. shot a crude five-minute video.

46. My Funny Family, take one.

47. And... action!

48. Honey, I'm home.

49. The boss is coming to dinner

50. and I need a clean shirt.

51. I haven't done the laundry yet.

52. Mama Mia! Now I'll have to do it.

53. Dad, that's too much detergent—

54. Not now.

55. I'm busy turning on

56. this washing machine.

57. (deep voice) Simpson!

58. Where's my dinner?

59. Mama Mia!

60. It was amazing how fast

61. Dad betrayed his vision

62. of a realistic show.

63. OK, the material was a little corny

64. but Homer and I had real chemistry onscreen.

65. Every day, I thought about firing Marge—

66. You know, just to shake things up.

67. Homer didn't fire Marge,

68. but he did shake things up...

69. show business things.

70. D'oh!

71. He tried to show his demo tape to the major networks...

72. But couldn't get past the guards.

73. Fortunately, I had a network connection.

74. The man who cut my hair was also President of Fox.

75. The Simpsons had their foot in the door.

76. Fox ordered 13 episodes.

77. But would the public respond?

78. M, E, R.

79. - OK. R, U, P...

80. You're almost there. Good! - ... E, R, T.

81. I first knew the show was a hit when I walked

82. into school and a kid was wearing

83. a Bart Simpson t-shirt.

84. Fox had an endless supply of clever slogans, man.

85. Suddenly, I was invited to every birthday party.

86. Sometimes, I'd have to read the cake

87. just to know who I was singing to.

88. The Simpsons was a smash.

89. Viewers couldn't get enough of the show's fractured take

90. on the modern family.

91. The funniest stuff came right out of real life.

92. Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes.

93. Cowabunga, dude.

94. And... Cut.

95. Dad, I've never said "cowabunga" in my life.

96. Your script sucks.

97. Why, you little...

98. Hey, that's funny.

99. And that horrible act of child abuse

100. became one of our most beloved running gags.

101. With Simpson merchandise selling like crazy

102. and Simpson Gin wetting whistles worldwide,

103. the money was pouring in.

104. We were using $50 bills as toilet paper

105. and toilet paper as dog toilet paper.

106. Convinced that the good times

107. would never stop rolling,

108. the Simpsons moved out

109. of their trademark house

110. and into M.C. Hammer's.

111. We found a secret room that was filled to the ceiling

112. with parachute pants.

113. I'm wearing some now.

114. But pants or no pants, the Simpsons were flying high.

115. Yeah, I've seen all the overnight sensations—

116. Brad Hall, Rich Hall, Rich Little, Little Richard—

117. But the Simpsons blew them all away.

118. They even had a hit record.

119. Meanwhile, "Krustophenia" sits on the shelf.

120. None of us had ever sung before

121. but Mr. Geffen believed in us.

122. "Simpsons Boogie,"

123. "Lovely to love your lovin',"

124. and "Simpsons Christmas Boogie" went mega-platinum

125. and swept the Grammys.

126. Right,

127. and the award for

128. "Best Hardcore Thrash Metal" goes to...

129. "Simpsons Christmas Boogie"?

130. For America's favorite family,

131. everything was coming up roses

132. but those roses contained ready-to-sting bees.

133. When we come back...

134. I want to set the record straight.

135. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

136. When Behind The Laughter continues.

137. By the end of their first season,

138. the Simpsons were burning up

139. Nielsen Boxes in the U.S.

140. and creating a sensation overseas.

141. Hello, Mr. Lobster.

142. D'oh!

143. Oh, dear...

144. Bathtubs of money,

145. wheelbarrows of awards,

146. fire hoses of respect—

147. The Simpsons had it all.

148. But behind the streamers and confetti,

149. storm clouds were gathering.

150. Figurative storm clouds.

151. Oh, Homer was spending money like a teenage Arab, heh.

152. He bought me a Rolex and Cashmere jeans.

153. I felt kind of guilty

154. 'cause I was always trying

155. to score with his wife.

156. So, when do we start filming?

157. Oh.

158. Even Bart was throwing dough around.

159. He paid me and Carl a 1000 bucks

160. to kiss each other.

161. Hey, did we ever get that money?

162. But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism

163. were just volume one

164. of The Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.

165. Even more harrowing were the events

166. of one April afternoon.

167. The script originally called for me to jump the gorge,

168. but I'd been up all night paying people to kiss,

169. so Dad volunteered to do the stunt.

170. Everything was going great at first.

171. I felt like I was king of the world.

172. I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

173. Right about here I realize something's wrong.

174. Yup, there I go.

175. Then came the rocks...

176. Jagged rocks...

177. - Hitting me with their jags. - (groaning)

178. The sequence became an instant comedy classic

179. but what the audience didn't see

180. was the unfunny aftermath.

181. Mmm.

182. Somehow, Homer became

183. addicted to painkillers.

184. It was the only way he could perform

185. - the bone-cracking physical comedy... - Ow! My leg!

186. that made him a star.

187. This is the worst pain ever.

188. Stop pummeling me!

189. It's really painful!

190. Why did I take such punishment?

191. Let's just say that fame was like a drug.

192. But, what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

193. But despite their mounting problems,

194. the Simpsons' star continued to rise

195. like a plastic bag caught in an updraft.

196. It was such an honor

197. to be on the Walk of Fame.

198. I mean, there we were

199. with Hollywood royalty

200. like Milton Berle

201. and Nelson Mandela...

202. And just a few stars down from the Cheerios Honey Bee.

203. Awards and honors are great,

204. but they don't pay the pickle man.

205. We were earning millions,

206. but we were always strapped for cash.

207. One time, Lisa bought a first edition

208. of Susan B. Anthony Man.

209. Her check bounced higher than Rubber Girl.

210. Where did the money go?

211. Marge lost much of the family fortune

212. investing in birth control products.

213. I learned something.

214. When people reach for their diaphragm,

215. they don't want to see my picture.

216. As the Simpsons' money dwindled,

217. their expenses soared.

218. From the original group of five,

219. the cast ballooned to dozens...

220. then hundreds.

221. I'd never acted before in my life

222. but, uh, if the sea captain could be in the show,

223. why not me?

224. I've even got a catch phrase.

225. (imitating Edward G. Robinson) Nyah...

226. No. I lost it.

227. Then another bombshell.

228. An anonymous tipster alerted Uncle Sam

229. that the Simpsons were evading their income taxes.

230. (Apu's voice) Yes, I finked on Homer, but, you know, he deserved it.

231. Never have I seen such abuse

232. of the "take a penny, leave a penny" tray.

233. The tax men were merciless.

234. Hey! What the...

235. Hey, they can't take our house.

236. My potbellied pig is in there.

237. Oh, Mr. Porky.

238. Inevitably, the behind-the-scenes turmoil

239. took its toll on their TV series.

240. And... action!

241. Hold on. Cut.

242. - (groans) For crying out loud. - Oh, man.

243. Bart, if it's not too much trouble...

244. Fine. I'll do Teen Wolf III.

245. I've got fair-weather friends to feed.

246. Dad, I want to go to bed.

247. Aren't there child labor laws?

248. Who told you about those laws?

249. Was it Marge?

250. Hey, you've been riding me all day.

251. Why don't you poop in your hat?

252. Are you going to need us tonight?

253. I have ballet tickets.

254. Not that they'll do much good now.

255. With the family in disarray,

256. episodes increasingly resorted

257. to gimmicky premises

258. and nonsensical plots.

259. I'm... An impostor.

260. That man is the real Seymour Skinner.

261. Trendy guest stars

262. were shamelessly trotted out

263. to grab ratings...

264. (electronic voice) If you are looking for trouble,

265. you found it.

266. Just try me, you... Oh!

267. But there were bigger problems offscreen.

268. After judging a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Beauty Contest

269. at The Sheraton Haleakalualea,

270. Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian airline jet,

271. attacking several flight attendants.

272. While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played

273. by his good friend, Richie Rich.

274. Bart, what do you mean you have jury duty?

275. Don't have a cow, Mother.

276. Fans reacted to these slapdash episodes

277. - with yawns... - (man yawns)

278. - Angry yawns. - (angry yawns)

279. Desperate to polish their tarnished image,

280. the family agreed to a live appearance

281. at the Iowa State Fair.

282. Right from the start, I had a bad feeling about that gig.

283. It was an evening none of them would ever forget.

284. - Or would they? - (country music playing)

285. No.

286. Hello, Iowa!

287. Does anyone have a donut?

288. Now, Homer, this is no time

289. to be thinking about food.

290. Yeah, forget the donuts.

291. We're here to go nuts...

292. Musically, that is.

293. What kind of songs should we play?

294. Something that swings with the beat of New Orleans.

295. No. Something that rocks.

296. That's the sound of today.

297. - Swings. - Rocks.

298. - Swings. - Rocks.

299. Sadly, this argument

300. was not part of the act.

301. I'll kill you!

302. (groans) You don't have the guts, little man.

303. Folks, we're just having a little family tiff.

304. If you'll just bear with us...

305. Oh, shut up.

306. Always trying to act so mature.

307. I'm glad you make the least money.

308. Oh, that's it.

309. - Hey! Hey, stop it! - Stop it!

310. You— Ah, let go of me!

311. Before a riot could break out,

312. Jimmy Carter came to the rescue

313. with his comedy break dancing.

314. Oh, why you, I'll get ya... Oh!

315. The dream was over.

316. Coming up...

317. Was the dream really over?

318. Yes, it was.

319. Or was it?

320. And Homer finds a new passion...

321. Dusting and polishing mixing boards.

322. When Behind The Laughter continues.

323. The Simpsons' TV show started out

324. on a wing and a prayer,

325. but now the wing was on fire

326. and the prayer had been answered

327. by Satan.

328. After the state fair fiasco,

329. none of the family were speaking to each other.

330. Fox put the show on hiatus

331. and replaced it with hidden camera footage

332. from the dressing room at Ann Taylor.

333. That slugfest at the state fair was really a blessing.

334. It gave us a chance to pursue solo projects.

335. I returned to my first love, the legitimate theater.

336. As a young female artist,

337. I really love living in this East Village loft.

338. - (knocking) - Oh,

339. that must be our new landlord,

340. Mr. Stingeley.

341. I literally chewed the scenery.

342. The other family members

343. were also spreading

344. their creative wings.

345. Bart replaced Lorenzo Lamas

346. in the syndicated action series, Renegade.

347. If Esposito thinks he's gonna muscle us, he's wrong!

348. I hear that, Renegade.

349. Let's do this thing.

350. Marge put together a nightclub act.

351. So the next time you see a sheriff,

352. - shoot him... - (all gasping)

353. - ... a smile! - (all sighing)

354. Good night, Laughlin!

355. Lisa "sang," too,

356. in a tell-all book blasting the family.

357. To prolong the run of the series,

358. I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.

359. That's ridiculous.

360. How could I even get all five necessary drops

361. into her cereal?

362. What?

363. In that family, nobody trusted nobody.

364. They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner.

365. So, uh...

366. How's everybody doing?

367. You don't have to answer that.

368. Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue!

369. Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch.

370. That's assault! That is assault!

371. It was the best Thanksgiving ever.

372. I mean, emotionally, it was terrible.

373. But the turkey was so moist.

374. The carcass of The Simpsons' empire

375. had been picked clean.

376. But then came help from an unexpected source.

377. I knew there was only one person

378. who could reunite this troubled clan—

379. My old fraternity brother, Willie Nelson.

380. I'd do anything for Kegmeister Julius,

381. so I cooked up a phony awards show.

382. Not again!

383. Time-saver, my ass!

384. When Willie asked me to be a presenter

385. at the New Awareness Awards,

386. I had to think about it...

387. for about a microsecond!

388. You just don't say "no" to the redheaded stranger.

389. And when I heard it was for awareness,

390. that sealed the deal.

391. Would Willie's fence-mending eggs

392. bear fruit

393. or would his olive branch

394. be torn apart

395. by woodpeckers of mistrust?

396. That night, fate wore

397. a cumberbund of suspense...

398. Thank you, Taco, for that loving tribute to Falco.

399. And now to present the award for "Most Violent Rap Group,"

400. Homer Simpson!

401. - Hi. - (applause)

402. And Marge Simpson!

403. What?

404. What's she doing here?

405. And Bart and Lisa Simpson.

406. Hey, what's going on?

407. Well, I'll be honest.

408. The New Awareness Awards

409. are all an elaborate sham.

410. What? (sputters) I knew it was too good to be true.

411. So this whole thing was just a trick to get us back together.

412. I'm also trying to patch things up

413. between Van Halen and Sammy Hagar.

414. But the main thing is for you folks

415. to stop this silly feud.

416. Isn't that right, people?

417. Hug! Hug! Hug!

418. Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug!

419. Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug!

420. Hug! Hug! Hug! (cheering)

421. The Simpsons' bitter past was forgotten,

422. and now the future looks brighter than ever

423. for this Northern Kentucky family.

424. We put all the craziness behind us

425. and now it's time to get back to what matters,

426. the show and the Sunday comic strip.

427. Which Homer writes himself.

428. So you know it's great.

429. Why, you little...

430. So whether choking their son or poking some fun,

431. the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come.

432. I can't believe it.

433. We won another contest.

434. The Simpsons are going to Delaware.

435. I want to see Wilmington.

436. I want to visit a screen door factory.

437. This will be the last season.

438. Next week on Behind the Laughter.

439. Huckleberry Hound.

440. I was so gay, but I couldn't tell anyone.

441. - (murmuring) - Shh!

442. Captioned by Visual Data Media Services