The Simpsons 11x17

1. D'oh!

2. How much farther to the campground?

3. Let's see, judging from the bug buildup

4. we're getting close.

5. I'm not sure mosquito season

6. is the best time to visit Larva Lake.

7. Folks, you're gonna want to turn around.

8. The bugs are firmly in charge.

9. - What? - Please, just go.

10. They've taken the Visitors' Center.

11. (stammers) They ate the comment book!

12. All right. Geez.

13. Ay! Hey! My class ring!

14. Oh, thanks a lot.

15. Hey, an Indian casino.

16. God bless Native America.

17. Let's go, Marge. Come on, come on, come on.

18. Homer, you know I had a gambling problem.

19. Well, what better place to celebrate your recovery

20. than amidst the frenzied excitement

21. of the casino floor?

22. Hmph.

23. Lisa?

24. Ah, something troubles me about Indian gaming.

25. On the one hand, the revenue helps the tribe...

26. Sure we can't talk you into it?

27. - No minors. - Yeah, but I really want to—

28. Sorry, son.

29. Although they seem strange to us

30. we must respect the ways of the Indian.

31. (chanting) Hi-how-are-ya, hi-how-are-ya,

32. hi-how-are-ya, hi-how-are-ya.

33. (sighs) I got to get in that casino.

34. The Great Gabbo demands a free night

35. in the Presidential Suite while performing.

36. We'll give you a free pass to the pasta bar.

37. The Great Gabbo accepts your terms.

38. Ooh.

39. Quiet, Gabbo.

40. I'd like to introduce you to my little wooden friend.

41. He's in his box, pining away.

42. Say hello to...

43. Gabbo, you've become a real boy!

44. All right!

45. Time for some underage gambling.

46. So long, sucker.

47. Your linen service has broken many promises to us.

48. Laundry bills soar like eagle.

49. Jerk.

50. So...

51. You like to sneak into casinos.

52. I wasn't going to gamble.

53. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.

54. Listen to me.

55. Unless you change your deceitful ways

56. I foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you...

57. Bart Simpson.

58. How'd you know my name?

59. Your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs.

60. You're listed as collateral.

61. Oh, I thought maybe you were some kind of Indian mystic

62. who could tell the future.

63. Who says I'm not?

64. Whoa!

65. If you want to see your future

66. throw a treasured personal item into the fire.

67. OK. (exclaims)

68. Not a firecracker!

69. Hey, I bought it from a guy on your reservation.

70. That's Crazy Talk.

71. - No, it's true. - No, I know.

72. That's my brother, Crazy Talk.

73. We're all a little worried about him.

74. Now, look into the flame.

75. Look ahead 30 years

76. to the man you will become.

77. Ew, that's me in the future?

78. Quiet. You're about to say something.

79. Check, check.

80. Hello, Capital City.

81. Oh, way to make a guitar, Sears.

82. Hey, Bart, any clean towels?

83. Nah. Use this.

84. I'm sick of having to dry myself with a newspaper.

85. You could at least do some laundry.

86. I pay the rent.

87. Dude, you know I'm good for it.

88. I'll have plenty of money when my lawsuit pays off.

89. You mean the spider bite at Disneyland?

90. Or the incident with the over-salted fries.

91. Hologram for Bart Simpson.

92. Hey, dingus, your band can play at my club tonight.

93. Yes!

94. But I can only pay you in popcorn shrimp.

95. Smell you later.

96. I can't believe "smell you later"

97. replaced "good-bye."

98. Smell you later.

99. - Smell you later. - Smell you later.

100. All right, we got our first gig!

101. But you traded your amplifier for a Boogie Board.

102. No prob. I'll just mooch some green off my folks.

103. Should we take the hover bus or the non-hover bus?

104. Non-hover.

105. Bleh! This virtual fudge tastes like crap.

106. Mmm. Mmm. Not half as good as cyber-fudge.

107. Yo, it's me.

108. Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in!

109. Don't you mean "present"?

110. Right, right, present.

111. Anyway, can I get you some Soylent Green?

112. Isn't that made of people?

113. Oh, here we go.

114. Hey, Dad. My band finally got a break.

115. I just need a little moolah to get my amp out of hock.

116. How about a little loan-ski?

117. Oh, I'm tired of giving you money.

118. Why can't you be more like Lisa?

119. Ugh. I am so sick of hearing about Lisa.

120. Just because she's doing a little better than me...

121. She's President of the United States.

122. President-elect.

123. I could have been president, but I'm too real.

124. People can't deal with what I'm laying down.

125. They're like, "Whoa, dude, you can't say that"

126. And I'm like, "Watch me."

127. We're not giving you money.

128. Oh, but I want some.

129. You should have thought of that

130. before you dropped out of the DeVry Institute.

131. What happened to you, man? You used to be cool.

132. I'm still cool.

133. Nah. You've changed, man.

134. Well, I do have this robotic prostate,

135. but you can't see it.

136. Oh, you can.

137. Flanders is a soft touch.

138. He'll give us the money for sure.

139. Jesus, is that you?

140. Mr. Flanders, you're blind-e-ded.

141. Ah, yeah, I never should have had that trendy laser surgery.

142. (laughs) It was great at first, but, you know,

143. at the ten-year mark your eyes fall out.

144. - Listen, dude... - Oh, hi, Bart.

145. How much this time?

146. Dude, you got me all wrong.

147. Yeah. (scoffs) Just answer me this.

148. Are you holding your mooching sack?

149. My little one.

150. Bart, you're never going to grow up

151. if I keep bailing you out.

152. Then, please, help me help myself.

153. Oh, all right,

154. but only because you haven't outed Rod and Todd.

155. Hey, y'all ready to party?

156. Now, we'd like to play a Jimmy Buffet song,

157. but he un-coolly charges people to cover them.

158. So here's a Captain Bart...

159. Original.

160. Rip-off!

161. Get off the stage!

162. We need more power.

163. The shield won't hold much longer.

164. Oh, no, I've got half a beer in there

165. and Bewitched is on.

166. Now we've got no home, no money

167. and our band's going nowhere

168. and it's all your fault.

169. Smell you later, Bart.

170. Smell you later forever.

171. Oh, he's right.

172. I'm a loser.

173. There's only one way out of this mess.

174. From around the globe to your frontal lobe,

175. this is Brain Vision News.

176. Tonight's winning lotto number: 4-4-6.

177. Damn! I was so close.

178. I had 3-2-7.

179. In other news, President-elect Lisa Simpson

180. moves into the White House tomorrow.

181. The 17-bedroom home features free long-distance,

182. laundry service and three food kitchens.

183. So, I'm the President's no-good brother.

184. "Moochie-moochie."

185. Lisa's the President?

186. I'm a pathetic loser?

187. I got to be honest.

188. I'm not loving this vision.

189. The fire has more wisdom to impart to you

190. in three, two...

191. 1596...

192. 1598...

193. 1600.

194. Sweet.

195. Excellent question.

196. Yes, I am proud to be

197. America's first straight female president.

198. - (reporters chattering) - Helen?

199. Wasn't I wearing a hat?

200. Yes. Yes, you were.

201. Now, in conclusion,

202. my administration will focus on the three R's—

203. Reading, writing, and refilling the ocean.

204. Thank you very much.

205. As you know, we've inherited

206. quite a budget crunch from President Trump.

207. How bad is it, Secretary Van Houten?

208. We're broke.

209. The country is broke?

210. How can that be?

211. Well, remember when the last administration decided

212. to invest in our nation's children?

213. Big mistake.

214. The balanced breakfast program just created a generation

215. of ultra-strong super criminals.

216. And midnight basketball taught them

217. to function without sleep.

218. What about my pledge to build the world's largest bookmobile?

219. Isn't there any money left for that?

220. No. And we borrowed from every country in the world.

221. Quick, Lisa, call off your... (screams and thuds)

222. - Bart! - Ow! Watch the ponytail.

223. Let him up, please?

224. What are you doing here?

225. I knew you'd need some help keeping it real

226. so I figured I could be, like, your... co-president.

227. Co-president?

228. Are you crazy?

229. Mom, Lisa won't share!

230. Be nice to your brother, Lisa.

231. Don't you think we should wait for Lisa?

232. She is the President.

233. She knows what time dinner is. (chomping)

234. Sorry I'm late. I've been racking my brain

235. trying to think of something to cut from the budget.

236. Hey, where's Maggie?

237. Here she is...

238. And look how big she's gotten.

239. Aw, just like her mommy, Maggie Senior.

240. So, what did everyone do today?

241. Appointed a Supreme Court justice.

242. Oh!

243. - Bewitched marathon. Mmm.

244. Searched for Lincoln's gold.

245. Dad, that's just a myth.

246. Lincoln didn't hide any gold in the White House.

247. Then what is his ghost protecting?

248. Hey, that's my helicopter.

249. Yeah, I sent it to pick up Ralph,

250. no one was using it.

251. I fell out two times.

252. Bart, you do not send a billion-dollar helicopter

253. to pick up your drinking buddy.

254. You've changed, Lisa, you used to be cool.

255. No, I didn't.

256. I am proud to honor the players of

257. the Negro Leagues of Rollerball

258. And as we strive

259. for the desegregation of all death sports,

260. we cannot help but be inspired by...

261. Heads. - (grunts)

262. Hey, you guys owe me a Frisbee... a new one.

263. Bart, get out of here.

264. Relax, Lis, you'll live longer.

265. I can't relax.

266. Being president is hard work.

267. Maybe you should try doing something with your life.

268. - I'm gonna. - Yeah, did you even call

269. about that messenger job?

270. Yeah, but they said I wouldn't get

271. my first check for two weeks.

272. Meanwhile, they're making major interest on my salary.

273. - Hey, maybe I could sue 'em. - (sighs)

274. Four score and four,

275. four score and five, four score and six,

276. four score and seven paces. (grunts)

277. Wait! How do you know

278. this is where Lincoln buried the gold?

279. You just started counting from an arbitrary place.

280. I started what from a what?

281. Your plan makes no sense.

282. Gold bars discovered by Marge— Zero.

283. Gold bars discovered by Homer...

284. Well, let's just see.

285. - (grunts) - Oops. Sorry, honey.

286. Gold bars discovered by Homer...

287. Shut up.

288. If I'm going to bail the country out,

289. I'll have to raise taxes.

290. But in my speech, I'd like to avoid

291. calling it a "painful emergency tax."

292. What about "colossal salary grab"?

293. See, that has the same problem.

294. We need to soften the blow.

295. Well, if you just want to out-and-out lie...

296. OK.

297. We could call it

298. a "temporary refund adjustment."

299. - I love it. - Really?

300. What else do you love, Lisa?

301. Fiscal solvency.

302. Oh... Yeah. Me, too.

303. Thirty seconds, Madam President.

304. Hey, Lis, I need a favor.

305. Not now, Bart. I'm about to speak to 100 million people.

306. This speech could make or break my presidency.

307. I hear you. All I want you to do

308. is play my demo tape in the background

309. while you're yakking about whatever.

310. Now, this play button is a little screwed up,

311. so you got to hold it down.

312. - Are you insane? - What?

313. You told me I should do something with my life.

314. Five seconds.

315. Mom!

316. (clears throat) My fellow Americans

317. and voting illegal aliens,

318. I will not mince words.

319. Your country needs you.

320. That's why today I'm proposing a temporary refund adjustment.

321. "Refund"? Hey, sounds good to me.

322. Sure beats a tax.

323. We love you, President Simpson.

324. The months ahead will be long and arduous

325. But it is only through arduousity that—

326. Uh, this is my brother, Bart,

327. who doesn't seem to realize

328. this isn't the best time for his music.

329. He's one of the people I want to help with my programs.

330. Hey, Lis, my music is gonna make it a lot easier

331. for America to swallow your big tax hike.

332. - (gasps) - "Tax hike"?

333. Hold the phone, Mabel.

334. You know, I never trusted her.

335. Don't blame me.

336. I voted for Chastity Bono.

337. Good night, America.

338. And we're out.

339. - Why you little... - (choking)

340. Help! Secret service!

341. According to polls, Americans have emphatically said

342. "smell you later"

343. to President Simpson's refund adjustment.

344. And that's the news.

345. We'll smell you later at 11:00.

346. Thanks a lot, Bart.

347. All right. How do we pay off our foreign debt?

348. I'm afraid it looks pretty grim.

349. We're going to have to give them the amber waves of grain,

350. the purple mountains' majesty and the shores of Tripoli.

351. We don't own the shores of Tripoli.

352. Shh. By the time they find out

353. we'll have taken our cyanide pills.

354. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

355. Why don't we just invite our creditor nations here

356. and gently remind them of America's past generosity?

357. - (murmuring agreement) - Yeah, now that I like.

358. Oh, but Bart could screw everything up.

359. You want him eliminated?

360. No. Just keep him out of my hair.

361. Out of your hair with extreme severity?

362. - No. - Come on. Every president

363. gets three secret murders. If you don't use them

364. by the end of the term... Pbft! They're gone.

365. All right, which one of you suits

366. ran over my moped?

367. I just put a dollar's worth of gas in that thing.

368. Bart, we're having a meeting.

369. You had a meeting this morning.

370. I have a lot of meetings. I'm the President.

371. Of what? The United States of Dorksylvania? (snickers)

372. Don't leave me hanging, Greenspan.

373. You know something, Bart?

374. You're right. My lack of coolness

375. is really holding America back.

376. Thank you. Down low.

377. Too slow.

378. (laughs nervously) You're too much, Bart.

379. That's why I'm appointing you Secretary of Keeping It Real.

380. Wow. You're really asking for my help?

381. Absolutely.

382. I want you and your pals

383. to go away to Camp David

384. and write up a report on coolness.

385. Well, if my country needs me...

386. Can we skinny dip?

387. At Camp David? Sure.

388. They couldn't keep pants on Kissinger.

389. Phew.

390. Peace, peace. Settle down.

391. Settle down!

392. I invited you guys here to help me with this report.

393. Any ideas?

394. Let's start off with a joke.

395. I got one. Give me that.

396. Uh, "What's the difference

397. between Pakistan and a pancake?

398. I don't know any pancakes that were nuked by India."

399. Ha-ha.

400. What? Too soon?

401. Come on, people. We got to buckle down here.

402. When we're finished,

403. we can go through Bill Clinton's porno stash.

404. (sighs) Lisa's counting on me for this coolness report.

405. - Coolness report? - (gasps)

406. Huh! You been had, boy.

407. Billy Carter's ghost?

408. Damn straight, and I'm here to tell you

409. you've been sent on a wild goose chase.

410. You mean Lisa wanted to get rid of me?

411. Well, that's a big 10-4.

412. When my brother Jimmy was making peace in the Middle East,

413. He sent me to Belly Flop Academy.

414. - I guess I am an embarrassment. - You sure are.

415. And, hey, there's an embarrassment of riches

416. at the Caesar's Pow-Wow Indian Casino.

417. You can bet on it. (clicks tongue)

418. You put an ad in my vision?

419. Yeah, Crazy Talk came up with that.

420. He got idea from Dances with Focus Groups.

421. Marge, I did it! I found Lincoln's gold!

422. - (gasps) - Huh?

423. "Dear countryman,

424. you have come in search of my gold

425. - and I will not disappoint you." - Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

426. "My gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving American."

427. Aw, crap!

428. "It's in our mighty rivers, our majestic..."

429. Well, isn't that clever?

430. It's a metaphor.

431. That lying, rail-splitting,

432. theater-going freak! (groans)

433. - Pay your debt! - (speaks French)

434. We demand remittance.

435. Please! Calm down.

436. We can work something out.

437. (German accent) We Germans are not a warlike people,

438. but even we have limits.

439. Right! Let's bash her noggin.

440. - Yeah, get her! - That's the spirit!

441. You guys should relax.

442. You'll live longer.

443. Bart, you're supposed to be at Camp David.

444. You're meeting with debt collectors

445. and you don't want my help?

446. Do you know how crazy that is?

447. Guys, the thing is, we totally have the money

448. and we tried to wire it to you,

449. but you know how banks screw up.

450. (French accent) I do not understand.

451. We tried to call you all day Saturday.

452. We were there Saturday.

453. Dude, I know.

454. I left a message with some guy named Hans.

455. Hans?

456. He might have been a temp. Very surly.

457. We have had a lot of turnover.

458. You pay now. Now!

459. What happened to you, China.

460. You used to be cool.

461. Hey, China is still cool.

462. You pay later. Later!

463. Solid. The rest of you,

464. go on home and look in your mailboxes,

465. 'cause I totally remember sending checks out.

466. Thanks, Bart.

467. You bought us some time.

468. What can I do to thank you?

469. Legalize it.

470. Legalize what?

471. Oh. Oh, consider it done.

472. Tasty. That calls for some tune-skis.

473. - (warped music) - Oh, great.

474. Anyone have a paper clip?

475. It gets kind of hazy after that.

476. Why did a vision of my future

477. include a story about Homer and Lincoln's gold?

478. I guess the spirits thought

479. the main vision was a little thin.

480. Anyway, the point is

481. you still have the power to change your future.

482. I'll do my best.

483. You're a good kid.

484. Here's a coupon for some crab claws.

485. Hey, this is expired.

486. There you are.

487. Come on. We have to go.

488. Dad pushed a waitress, and Mom lost $20,000.

489. You're not going to believe it, Lis.

490. This cool Indian guy showed me our future.

491. Really? Anything good?

492. I'll say. I've got my own band

493. and a moped.

494. What about me?

495. Eh, some government job.

496. Shh!

497. Moochie-moochie.

498. Captioned by Visual Data Media Services